We made it safely to Tennessee! Now we gotta convince Henry that he really really really wants to take us to the Gatlinburg haunted house.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend & eating lots of Thanksgiving leftovers!

Look man I was just happy to have some days off work where I didn’t have to trudge to the damn trolley in premature winter temps. Plus, we’re leaving for Tennessee later today (Dollywood!) so I was content having nothing to do on actual Thanksgiving. My mom and I are both pretty meh about the holiday so I don’t mind that she doesn’t want to host anymore.

But then Chooch pulled out his vegetarian cookbook the night before and was all, “Papa*, I’m going to find some recipes for you for tomorrow” and then I was like, “Oh shit. The kid. We should probably do something for the kid.” Lol.

*(What Chooch calls Henry when he’s trying to pretend like we’re like a wholesome family.)

So then Henry was like I GUESS I AM GOING TO THE STORE THEN and set off on Thanksgiving Eve to procure the tofurkey which is usually sold out because he waits too long. I remember way back in the day when we had to drive like 45 minutes to some weird health store to get one because regular grocery stores didn’t sell stuff like that and I got made fun of for eating it but no one bats an eye. Changing times, etc etc.

The first half of the day consisted of Leslie Sansone walking workouts (lol), kdramas but no family drama, watching Henry cook & clean, looking at Kpop idols, freaking out over a mystery bruise on my thumb, and planning all our amusement park trips for 2019. It was splendid! (Not the bruise part though, I’m mildly alarmed by it.)

I was in such a good mood that I even felt inspired to decorate for Christmas:

Chooch was all excited when I told him I decorated and then said, “…oh” when he saw it.

Since there was just the three of us and we’re going away this weekend, Henry kept the spread the simple: a tofurkey for Chooch and me (he made gross chicken for himself because he doesn’t like real turkey), whatever garlicky mashed potato recipe Chooch found, and a completely revamped version of the broccoli rabe & white bean casserole recipe that Chooch also requested, because Henry couldn’t find broccoli rabe at 8pm on Thanksgiving Eve so he used regular broccoli and brussels sprouts instead and it was delicious.

(I don’t even know what broccoli rabe is and I know for damn sure Chooch doesn’t either, so this made no difference to us.)

Henry kept yelling at us from the kitchen to start eating but we were like NO WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUUUUUU IT’S THANKSGIVING.

But it was really because we needed him to plate our Tofurkey.

Oh Lord, we got so giddy right away and Chooch had a Code Red laughing fit which caused him to flee the table in search of a Kleenex, so you know Henry was in a great mood! That combined with the fact that the same NCT 127 song was playing repeatedly in the background really completed the mood. Look at Henry’s delirious face! I think deep down, he’s thankful for us, lunacy and all, even if he sometimes must feel like he’s living in an asylum.

Tofurky looks like a giant hotdog butt.

After dinner, Chooch and I continued our tradition of watching birthday party videos on YouTube (4th year!). We found a whole slew of new million subscriber families to hate! I called the one birthday girl and all her friends “a bunch of bitches” and Chooch was like “Aren’t they like three?!”

OK now for the Friday Five portion, which is FIVE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR:

1. Korea (Henry and Chooch rolled their eyes when we went around the table and “gave thanks” and this was of course the first thing I said and whatever because Chooch just kept saying “Bambi” over and over and now that I think about it, I don’t think Henry said ANYTHING!?
2. Having a job that I like – yeah, I know, I complain about it at times, who doesn’t complain about having to leave the house to go to work?! But when you’ve had jobs that have made you sick to your stomach and have panic attacks while paying you pennies, getting one where you feel comfortable and needed is really something to be thankful for.  Thanks, job!
3. The willpower to get in shape – when I first started dieting in 2012 I was just about 200 pounds.  I did WW for a bit and got myself down to about 170 but it was a struggle. I had no energy! I was miserable! I can’t remember when I started spending my lunch break hour walking around downtown, but that helped me get my energy back and also kept my weight stable so I wasn’t gaining, but I also wasn’t really losing anything either. Since starting my own routine in 2016, being more mindful of what I eat and when I eat, and keeping up on those lunch break walks (even in the rain, even when I’m sick, even when it’s cold), I’ve managed to get myself down to 145. I never felt “unhealthy” even when I was heavier, but I do FOR SURE feel more “able.” Sure, I still have major body image issues that I need to work on, but baby steps!
4. Eternal Youth! – I’m going to be 40 next year, I have a shit-ton of gray hairs, but my brain refuses to accept that and still spends most of its time thinking about concerts and amusement parks and Kpop idols. I was talking to Amber about this at work the other day, how I’m trying to fit in a few days in Tokyo during my birthday Korea trip next summer because I want to go to DisneySea and how Henry is like dreaming of the day when we can plan a vacation that doesn’t include an amusement park, and Amber said, “I can’t believe you’re going to be 40. You’re like, ageless, to me.” YES.  I’m thankful that I have managed to maintain that part of myself because goddamn does it make life fun! Except for when you watch so many vlogs about roller coasters and are constantly hearing people talking about the “head chopper” elements and then you go to bed and have a horribly vivid nightmare that you’re watching a movie where some girl is walking down the steps of some Victorian mansion and gets her head lopped off by her dad, completely out of nowhere, but then it turns out to be YOU, you just had YOUR head chopped off, but later in the dream, you realize that your head was put back on, but apparently your ear had also been cut off and that was put back on much more jankily than your head, so it’s all bloody and it BURNS and also it’s not aligned properly with your head and you are FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS. I mean, that’s just something that might happen.
5. Henry & Chooch, le duh – Come on, this is a given. I have a guy who is mild-tempered and goes along with all my crazy ideas, he gets totally engrossed in every k-drama with me to the point where he’s mad when I start a new one without him (he’ll still watch it though), he sends me kpop-related texts on Kakao throughout the day (I made him download Kakao awhile back and it’s the only way we text now unless I’m mad at him then I use regular text and he’s like, “wow you must be mad”), he does whatever he can to make my life easier, and well, he’s just the best and I’m glad we’ve lasted together all these years because I can’t imagine many other people who would be like, “Yes, let me completely change the way I cook for you because now you’re on a make-believe Korean diet and sure, let’s go to Party City for new home decor so our house can continue to look like Pee Wee’s Playhouse and OK, let’s talk about going to some random town in the Netherlands so you can spend Easter 2020 at some weird amusement park.” Lol. And then Chooch! I couldn’t ask for a better kid. He is such a mini-Erin that it’s actually scary at times (or, “all times” if you’re Henry). He’s independent and self-motivated when it comes to school (he’s basically a genius but has ZERO COMMON SENSE though, oh my god, he is street-stupid), a mini-politician when it comes to the neighborhood (everyone knows him!), and he is SO ENTERTAINING. Janna was over here on Saturday for Kpop Fitness Night and afterward, he effortlessly had us cracking up just by being him, sitting there making his dumb Rainbow Loom bracelets. No, our life isn’t perfect, and we do all bicker with each other like normal TV families, but we never go to bed mad at each. (EXCEPT FOR LAST NIGHT BECAUSE WE GOT A BUNCH OF CARD ORDERS AND HENRY AND I DO NOT WORK WELL TOGETHER IN THE GREETING CARD FACTORY.)

Anyway, that’s my Thanksgiving 2018 recap and obligatory “thankful” list. I’ll end here with a video of Mini-Erin stalking his nemesis Larry:

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ETA: Chooch just woke up and said, “Well, I see the dining room table is back to its old self” and I screamed “WELL, WE HAD 80 MILLION CARDS TO MAKE LAST NIGHT OK, THANKS FOR THE HELP!”

Finally, after months of being put on the back burner because of supply issues, KPOPendants have finally debuted! I’m smitten with them. I wanted them to have a Victorian-esque cameo feel to them.

Here are the first four in the shop, but in the coming days, I’ll be adding Taemin, Jackson, Kai, Jin, and Jungkook, plus more!

First up, for your consideration, is the perfectly elven face of Kim Taehyung from BTS.

This is my friend Janna’s bias, only because I made her choose one.

Next up is Park Jimin, also from BTS (Armys, I hear you, and soon all 7 will be in pendant-form).

Please don’t mind the glare! These things are difficult to photograph.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t see enough Cha Eun-woo things out there. They don’t call him a face genius for no reason!

And the one that started it all, our king, Kwon Jiyong aka the legendary G-Dragon. This was my first pendant design and it was honestly because I wanted one to wear for myself, lol.

And it’s no surprise that he was the first one to sell!

All pendants set in a resin frame, capped off with a glass cabochon, and come ready-to-wear with a silver-plated 18 inch chain. Pendant itself measures 2.75in. x 1.5in.

These cuties can be found in the pendant section of Hello Hanguk and while you’re there, maybe grab a greeting card to go with it?! God, I’m such a great peddler.

Ugh, I have tried to keep Wanna One at arm’s length because I knew my heart would eventually be broken if I gave in and let full Wannable (their fan group name lol) mode take over. Wanna One are the product of a Korean music survival show, where trainees from different agencies compete to be in a Kpop group. I don’t watch those shows regularly (and there are numerous) so I’m not sure if they’re all this way, but the show Wanna One was born from gives their groups expiration dates.

And Wanna One’s is coming up quickly. There have been rumors of an extension but it still doesn’t seem like any rule is going to be broken for them to stay together as long as they want.

Once the contract is up, they’ll all go back to their respective agencies and hopefully have a bright future, like (most) of the winning girls from the first season of this show did.

Anyway, then they had to go and release this new song yesterday and I’m over here blubbering and finally admitting that Kang Daniel is my bias (I’m basic). But oh, this video! It sure lifts my bleak November mindset! I love the color palette and the choreo (when they do that plié/squat thing, my knees hurt for them) and the song and their cherubic faces and and and, ow my heart.

You know how sometimes, before you go to bed, your mind wants to narrate to you in full detail the specifics of C-sections? GIRL, that happened to me just last night!

I know it’s been like, what, 12+ years since I was sliced and diced but I swear I still have incision pain.

“That’s probably why I can’t get rid of this little belly-bulge! It’s my body’s way of shielding me from the incision scar!” I cried hysterically to Henry, who mumbled, “You don’t even have a scar there” at the same time I was describing the scar as my Ouchie Strip.

“Really? Ouchie Strip?” Henry repeated with something in the middle of disgust and disappointment. Look, it was the first thing I could think of ok.

“CHILD BIRTH IS UNNATURAL!” I wailed in my next breath. “People should be born from….SEEDS!”

“So what, men should just walk around ejaculating in the dirt?” Henry asked.

“No, men won’t have anything to do with this. Fuck those jackasses. God will just drop the seeds from a cloud in Heaven,” I said slowly, thinking about it as I went on. “Farmer God.”

Then Henry reminded me that I don’t even believe in God, AND THAT’S WHY! GOD MAKES CRUEL THINGS HAPPEN TO US LIKE DONALD TRUMP AND CHILD BIRTH.

Henry fell asleep soon after this, leaving me to lie there, thinking about how MY ORGANS* WERE POTENTIALLY SCOOPED OUT OF MY BODY CAVITY AND DUMPED INTO A TROUGH, THANKS CHOOCH.

*(I didn’t even know that this could happen until 2 years ago when I was watching some BuzzFeed video about men going through fake child birth and they were like dry heaving when they found that out about C-sections and I was like, “WAIT, DID THAT HAPPEN TO ME TOO?!” and Henry was like, “Maybe your intestines?” And then I was dry-heaving too.)

(Seriously my insides feel bruised right now at the thought.)

(I just asked Henry about it again and he said, “I don’t know if they took anything out. They grabbed him by his big head and—”

“OH MY GOD!!” I shrieked, wincing.

“You brought it up!!” Henry spat.)

***

 I was moderately annoyed when I first went out on my break today because I had to go to the dumb post office to mail my greeting cards since I have to stand there and watch the postal workers scan them in because I can’t trust them to always do their job properly! For it being such a bleak, rainy day today, people were fucking FRIENDLY out there on the streets of Pittsburgh. Like, people were actually SMILING at me when I would pause to let them pass me since sometimes the sidewalks don’t accommodate two people passing with umbrellas. And then I found that instead of stomping along with resting bitch face like usual, I was smiling too and then even more people were smiling back and I was like WHAT IS THIS SORCERY.

And then I started to CRY. Not like full-blown Hallmark TV movie sobbing but my eyes were for sure welling up and it BURNT, like Holy Water on the face of Satan.

(Or Saran, as I originally typed. You know, that motherfucker and his sinister kitchen wrap products. Hisssss.)

***

I think maybe I’m becoming weak and soft because basic things like humanity and compassion or whatever the fuck are starting to sneak through my wall of hate and I just don’t care anymore. Like, this one day last week, I was waiting for the trolley (i.e. how all of my Horror Stories start) when I heard this broad’s loud-ass mouth from many yards away (I forget how much of a distance a yard is but it was like distance between my desk and Wendy’s office away, which means nothing to you if you don’t work with me).

She had that terrible “smoking since 13” Pittsburgh trash voice that I loathe so much and immediately start prejudging, when I hear it LOOK I’M SORRY I’M NOT A FUCKING SAINT. But keep reading because maybe I’m changing, who knows.

Now, this broad had cut our distance in half and she was scream-talking to the fare attendant about the weather. As she shouted for him to have a good day, I began to pray to the trolley lords to help repel her from my area but apparently no fucking religion wants me because she pushed her stroller right up next to me and that’s when I realized I’ve seen her, but not heard her, on the trolley a few months ago.

Immediately, she started talking to me about her kid in the stroller who turned two in September, didn’t want to wear her gloves, and can count to 10 but skips 7 & 8 (Chooch always skipped 7 and said it was because he didn’t need it so I was softening up to this broad before I had a chance to stop myself). She was also a lot younger than her CDC Smoker Voice tv commercial made her out to be.

This broad was so chatty and usually I blanch at this but I robotically said things like “My son does not like to keep gloves on either” in an effort to balance the camaraderie. I even picked up the kid’s plastic Elmo phone one of the 18 she chucked it.

But then the T came and I sat five rows back her. She sat near the lady who looks like Phyllis from The Office aka the only person on the T who is ever charmed by that annoying family I sometimes bitch about on here. Immediately, this girl proceeded to tell Phyllis everything going on in her life, which is all pretty awful:

• she has an older daughter who is a super bad seed and was in Western Psych and basically sounds like she’s capable of murder except that she loves animals thank god so the therapists at Western Psych would use animal therapy on here
• her baby’s daddy sounds like a piece of shit
• she’s adopted and doesn’t have close family which is why she talks to strangers (GURL STOP)
• she had to check to see if she had homework due that day not because she’s in school but because she had to take weekly Bible classes in order for her rent to be paid — THAT WAS THE WORST PART!

Anyway there was so much more she was telling Phyllis and normally people flapping and wringing out their dirty laundry on pub-trans makes me so disgusted but this girl was like…still upbeat. Like, she wasn’t complaining or relaying any of this shit in a woe-is-me fashion, but she was being very matter-of-fact and conversational probably because that dumb boyfriend of hers doesn’t talk to her!!!

Look, this might have been another time in less than a week that my eyes spontaneously sprinkled. And when the trolley arrived at my stop, I went out of my way to walk by her just so I could tell her I hoped she has a good day. Henry said it’s like when the Grinch’s heart grew ten sizes or whatever. I guess.

Per-fucking-spective, bro.

If that girl can get off her ass and do the work expected of her to make her life better, in spite of all the hurdles and challenges in her way, then maybe I could at the very least take the T to work without acting like it’s the worst thing to ever happen to me…

Ok, baby steps, Erin. Tiny baby gnome steps.

I am back where I belong. An asylum. Specifically, Transallegheny Insane Asylum haunted house. This line wasn’t that long, but I bought time by playing a game on my phone, sort of like Scattergories. Janna, obviously had to go to the bathroom and I tricked her into going into the port-o-potty that was a trick.

It didn’t have a loud siren, though. Lats year, it was a prank and whenever you opened the door wide enough, a siren would sound and it would embarrass you. While waiting in line for the house, the people were looking for a group of 2 or 3, so we presented ourselves and we walked up to the entrance with a group of 4 other people. Immediately, when we were inside, we were going super slow, because the other people leading us were turtles through the whole thing. At some points, the dad, named Paul would stop to explain the certain rooms, because he worked there before, I guess. For example, in a closet room, we walked through clothes and Paul said, “This is where the old women were kept.”

When the guy at the beginning told us the rules, he clearly stated, “Do not stop, or run, because you might catch up to the group ahead of you,” then he said, “Do not stop because the group behind you can catch up to you.” Paul didn’t understand because he went slow the whole time instead of going a normal speed, you know walking pace.

My favorite part was when we were walking up a stairwell and his family started to yell at him about going too slow, but he said, “Gotta get your money’s worth.” He continued going super slow, despite what his family told him, he probably got spanked in the car by his wife.

We finally got to the rooms where the patients were kept. The first room we entered, the roommates were arguing about something, then started to pull each other’s hair and screamed at each other.

There was this one hall that had mannequins on each side, and I expected one of them to be a real person, and it was true. Then we had to hail to “him”, but we didn’t know who exactly we were hailing to, but I praised anyway. When we got to the demon’s lair, the walls were made of pallets. Mum was knocking hard on them and the people got mad and told us to, “Stop hitting the boards!

” She was as disobedient as Paul, she kept tapping the boards. The demon was a dog thing and it almost ate us, but it was still cute.

The spider nest was back again this year, and Paul had to stop to basically look at every string woven by the spiders, that was how slow he was going. Janna got really scared at some parts, like the part where we were walking through fog, then all of a sudden men on stilts were looking over and following us. She also got very scared by nothing, she doesn’t get scared by anything. We don’t know why she goes because she doesn’t care about the spooks.

Finally, as expected at the end, there was a chainsaw guy. He didn’t chase us, but he got very close to our feet and bodies. When it was time to leave, we had to find where dad parked.

We checked the spot he dropped us off in, but he was gone. We were freezing and I called him, but he didn’t tell us where he was. He kept saying he saw us, but he didn’t tell us his surroundings and where he was parked relative to where he dropped us off.

*******

EDITORS NOTE: Erin here. Like, a day after this dumb haunted house that PAUL ruined, I realized that perhaps his older daughter wasn’t actually calling him “Paul,” but the more sensible Pa. I mean, we were in West Virginia and they were all speaking with mountain drawls, so….

Meanwhile, Janna had recently rescued a tiny kitten from a tunnel on her way to work, two days prior to our attending this haunt. She has been trying to come up with the perfect name for him and I served her one on a silver platter decorated with maraschino apples: PAWL.

GET IT? Because we hated “Paul” and cats have paws, so PAWL?!

Omg I was so excited about this last night and she laughed real hard but didn’t actually confirm that this is the new official name of Tunnel Cat.

Chooch wasn’t laughing at all so I yelled DON’T YOU GET IT? And he mumbled, “yeah, I got your dumb joke.”

He is so jealous of my effortless humor.

It’s Friday and I’m still alive, so you know what that means! Here’s some 5 things.

1. Emarosa

You guys! Emarosa dropped a video for one of their new songs, and when I say new I mean NEW NEW. This is like a brand new Emarosa. Pop-infused. Dance-y. Ready to mingle with Carly Rae record collection.  I’m in love and already can’t wait for the full release in February! A super important fact about this video is that it was choreographed by my friend Lizzie, whom I actually met a few years ago through our shared love for Emarosa. I have really enjoyed getting to know her and watching her lightning-quick progression as a dancer and choreographer. She is amazing and I can only hope that I get to see her perform in person someday! She’s also in this video, and you’ll catch her in the middle of the formation in most of the dance scenes. Lizzie + Emarosa = <3<3<3

2. Taemin light stick

A few weeks ago, I went in on a group Taemin light stick order with the Canada SHINee Twitter group. This particular light stick was made specifically for his recent solo tour in Japan and I needed it like a preteen girl in the 80s needs the latest Bonne Bell or Lipsmackers flavor. Yeah, it was like that.

Henry texted me when I was work yesterday and said that there was package out for delivery and I knew it had to be the light stick, so I thought my shitty day was finally going to have a light(stick) at the end of the tunnel. But then he texted me again later that night because he got a notification that there was a delivery attempt, but no one was home so we’d have to reschedule — HE WAS SITTING RIGHT BY THE FRONT DOOR THE WHOLE TIME AND SAID THERE WERE NO FOOTPRINTS IN THE SNOW ON OUR SIDEWALK. USPS, you lying motherfuckers. So today I was working from home and I left a shitty note taped to the door saying they better not even try that shit again because someone was going to be home ALL DAY so maybe TRY KNOCKING?! Anyway, it was delivered today by the regualr mailman, who just stuck it in the mailbox so why that couldn’t have happened yesterday, who knows, but you better believe I was on the warpath about this and had my ink and quill all ready to go until I realized that sending a letter would just HELP THE USPS so I guess I will email them my totally level-headed complaint instead.

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WORTH IT!!

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3. Teen Center volunteers love me

Hey remember how I hate the Teen Center because they stole my son? Well I’ll cut them some slack because EVIDENTLY Chooch was talking to the volunteers about going to see Emarosa a couple weeks ago, and one of the guys there knows Emarosa too and thought that was cool, so Chooch told him about how we became friendly with Bradley and then showed them the article that Alternative Press wrote about his relationship with the band, and they were like, “WOW U R C00L” so then he stated showing them other pictures of concerts, etc and told them the most important part, which is that HIS MOM is the one who is into these things and takes him to concerts and they were like WHOA YR MOM IS C00L and then one of the girl volunteers said that she wished I was her mom too, so you know what? Teen Center’s not too bad.

4. Today’s lunch

As mentioned previously, I was working from home today which was fine but then came lunch time and I was like, “shit fuck piss what am I going to have for lunch?” I’m on a slight diet, nothing extreme, but I do need to log my food which is great when Henry is here and I chuck my phone at him and say, “Here, you do this” because only he knows how much hemlock he put in tonight’s dinner. So I called him freaking out and he was like, “Just eat the stuff I prepared for you” BUT I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO LOG THAT so instead, I grabbed a handful of ingredients that I could easily enter into my app and that is how I ended up with this plated slop for lunch:

The egg was supposed to be on top of the Boca burger, but it slid off and almost continued sliding right off the plate, but I saved it with my hand and then the yolk broke so that made me sad because I wasn’t ready for it to break yet, OK.

I thought I could heat up the sweet potato and Boca burger on the same plate, at the same time, but I GUESS I THOUGHT WRONG because I didn’t take Microwave Class in college.

Anyway, lunch was fine. I’m fine. It’s all fine. 괜찮아.

(This is why I eat OATMEAL for lunch every day at work.)

5. More roller coaster stuff

Watching theme park vlogs all week while sick has really saved me, I haven’t had the energy to watch K-dramas on account of having to read subtitles and you know, I HAVE BEEN SICK in case you missed every single post this past week where I have whined about it like I have an actual plague. Henry got really disgusted out of nowhere the one night and actually seemed mad that I’m not a vlogger?! “You would think that after spending your entire teenage years videotaping EVERYTHING that being on YouTube would have been something you’d have been into it early on!” I mean, it’s true — you can ask my family and any friend I still have from my high school years (surprisingly still quite a few of them) and they will surely tell you with absolute disdain that there was at least one occasion they had a camcorder shoved in their face. But to be honest, I hate my voice and it’s a blessing for the world that I never got into YouTube. I did actually upload a video a long time ago of the time I made Henry take me to Cleveland to see Tha Crossroads, literally E.99 and St. Clair where Bone Thugs n Harmony used to hang out (I was a huge Bone fan in high school, before MTV made it “cool” for dumb white people to like them), but I was SO ANNOYING in the video that literal strangers were commenting to say THAT BITCH IS ANNOYING. So…

But also, watching all these theme park vlogs made me remember this time when I was in middle school and my aunt, who worked at the University of Pittsburgh at the time, knew someone who worked in the marketing department for Kennywood and she was able to get a poster of what the park’s brand new coaster (Steel Phantom) was going to look like. She gave it to me to take to school and show everyone and I was so excited to share it! At the time, this was the world’s tallest steel coaster so it was a huge deal. But one of the guys in my class had a strong desire to one-up me so he CALLED Kennywood and got someone to tell him all of the stats for the coaster, just so he could come in the next day and piggyback off me with more information. It was clearly something that annoyed me enough to where I still harbor ill feelings about it. OK FINE I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY TIME I RIDE THAT DAMN RIDE.

In other coaster news, I have vacations planned around theme parks all the way to 2020. Henry is so excited!

In case any imaginary doctors out there are wondering about my health, I am still under the weather. Look, I know it’s just a cold. In fact, I’m certain  that’s all it is, but you would think I had tuberculosis the way I carry on about it.

I wanted to leave work early on Tuesday because I couldn’t keep my head up, and I’m certain Boss Amber would have been like, “byeeeeeee” if I had asked, but then I realized that even if I left early, I DON’T HAVE A HOUSEKEY because I STILL NEVER GOT ONE MADE because THE ONLY GOOD HOUSEKEY WAS LOST BY CHOOCH and all the other housekeys made since then SUCK and I 100% have NO LUCK GETTING THEM TO OPEN THE DOOR.

EVEN BLAKE STRUGGLES WITH IT WHEN HE HAS TO USE IT!

Spare me the suggestions, I know what I need to do! Just let me vent about it OK!? Ugh.

So then I thought, well, maybe I can leave a little bit before Chooch is done with school and text him to go straight home so that he will be there to open the door for me since he somehow has the magic touch and can persuade his fucking bastard key to unlock the door. But then I got caght up in something for work and ended up making it through the whole day and it’s a good thing too because when Henry and I got home at 6:00, Chooch was hanging out on  the front porch because he DIDN’T BRING HIS KEY WITH HIM. Don’t call CYS too hard on us though because he had literally just gotten home from the library, so no, he wasn’t out in the cold for THREE HOURS.

I did go home a few hours early yesterday though because Henry was home to open the door for me (look, I realize this sounds ludicrous, because it is, but this is just like…my life now) but then we had not one but THREE VISITORS!? Literally no one ever knocks on our door now that we’re not poor people with outstanding gas bills so usually if there is a knock, I can’t see a silhouette through the frosted glass because it’s some dummy looking for Chooch. But this time there were ADULT SHADOWS, you guys.

Don’t worry. It was just Blake (twice) and then my mom who stopped by to bring us charity deli goods. Then I told her that in my annual review at work that day, I was called “the special little unicorn of the department” and she promptly said, “GOODBYE” and left.

WOW.

(Seriously though, my mom knows how conceited these things make me and she probably had to vomit at least once out the window on her way home.)

This is such an exciting update!

Then we were told last night that if the weather today was shitty, we could work from home and I was like GOD ARE YOU THERE IT’S ME ERIN because I knew I wasn’t going to be feeling much better the next day (TODAY) and wow, call me motherfucking Miss Cleo because I woke up feeling like someone gutted my head and stuffed it like it was practice for next week’s thanksgiving turkey.

But, I still trudged on in to work (on the trolley, no less, THANKS HENRY) in freezing rain that wasn’t treacherous enough to warrant a WFH request and I was so whiny about it for about the first hour of my shift.

I kept imagining that I was at home with a hot washcloth covering my face but that just made it worse, like being on a diet and imagining yourself sensually eating a cake (like a good quality one, not some jacked up hillbilly supermarket sheet cake) in your underwear.

With the mailman.

Then! It was still raining/snowing (OMG IS THAT WHAT WINTERY MIX MEANS?? I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT!) when it was time to take my break so I didn’t think going outside for a walk would be in my best interests. A normal sick person probably would have kicked back with a book or amusement park map but I decided that this would be a good time for me to walk up the full 40 flights of steps inside my building for the first time! Margie was like “that doesn’t seem like a great id—-” but I couldn’t hear her because I was already imprisoned inside the stair well.

Since I was already on the 10th floor, I didn’t want to cheat so I first walked down to the first floor, all the way back up to 40 (there was a creepy security camera up there and I thought Interpol was going to come out from the door and arrest me), then all the way back to 1 and back up to 10.

I couldn’t breathe on account of BEING SICK but I did that shit with no break mostly because the stairwells are gross (Lauren and I saw a cockroach in there on Monday when we walked down from a meeting on 28) so no thanks steps, I won’t be sitting down on you.

Carrie told me if I wanted to sweat out my sickness, I should have just eaten spicy food and now I’m sad that I didn’t do that on my dumb break instead.

And that was today’s episode of Erin’s Poor Choices.

Oh and then guess what happened?! The weather actually turned bad and Henry was like “have fun taking the trolley home.

” I triple-hate him today. But then he bought our Dollywood tickets so now I’m semi-calm.

But, still stuffy and sniffly so goodbye.

PS this was the treasure I found at the end of my stair-climbing odyssey and yes it’s blurry because I was shaking lol. Walking up steps while congested is like, no joke.

And probably the opposite of drinking hot tea and honey.

You guys know how Chooch and I fight over everythang right? From semantics to the hue of the sky to Yanny or Laurel, we will bicker until Henry has to threaten to take away our privileges. I guess that’s what happens when you’re basically the same person. (This is why I can’t be friends with people who are too much like me!)

(Also, can you imagine if Chooch was also a Leo?!)

We even fight over cats, as in, whose cat is better/prettier/smarter/cuter/less smellier.

Last night, everything was pretty quiet. Chooch and I were coexisting peacefully, watching theme park YouTube videos, when I looked at Penelope who was sitting on her tower like a perfectly furry loaf.

“Penelope is so cute, she could be a Disney character!” I cooed. “Penelope, you could be Snow White’s kitty!”

Chooch fake-gagged on his water. “YEAH RIGHT, she’s more like Hunchback of Notre Dame!” And then he kept calling her Quasimodo (after he googled the name because HE WAS TOO DUMB TO KNOW.)

(YEAH I CALLED MY KID DUMB AND I’LL CALL YOU DUMB TOO SO GO AHEAD, REPORT ME.)

So in retaliation I looked at HIS CAT DREW and in my effort to come up with a better burn, I blurted out, “Yeah well Drew could be Ursula’s….SHOULDER PAD!”

Chooch gaped at me. “WTF?” he cried. “That doesn’t even make sense!”

“YES IT DOES!” I was now on my knees, laughing so hard that my eyes were birthing pure drops of comedy rain, picturing Drew perched on Ursula’s shoulders, a natural extension of her oceanic hideousness.

Chooch continued to scoff at me so I ran upstairs and woke up Henry so I could tell him my sick burn.

He too just stared at me. “You’re so dumb,” he murmured. But he just wasn’t awake enough to fully grasp the perfection of this insult, the smartly crafted nuances of my name-calling.

I came back downstairs and continuously called Drew “Ursula’s Shoulder Pad” until Chooch eventually blocked me out. Later, I laughed myself to sleep.

********

This morning, Chooch was still dwelling on it. “And Ursula doesn’t even wear a shirt that would have shoulder pads,” he argued, desperately grasping for straws but MAMA OWNS THIS SODA SHOP OF SICK BURNS, BOY. NO STRAWS FOR YOU.

On my lunch break, I was on the phone with Henry as usual. He’s like obsessed with me and makes me check in with him every afternoon. (Lolz.) He had just gotten home from work and was starting to say something about Drew.

“Ursula’s Shoulder Pad,” I corrected him and he flipped out about how dumb it is. So triggered!!

“Do you think it’s just as good or better as when I used to call Speck [RIP] ‘Breakfast Nook’?” I brayed which is how I talk when I’ve reached Critical Giddiness.

“THAT WAS JUST AS STUPID,” Henry barked. Wow, Henry’s got no jams.

I kept randomly thinking about this all day and I’d have to stifle my snort-laughs at my desk. Finally, I went over to tell Glenn and Todd. Todd stopped listening as soon as I said “cats” because he hates cats. But Glenn heard me out.

“That’s…really stupid,” he said, BUT HE WAS TRYING NOT TO SMILE. “It doesn’t even make sense. Why….?”

By the time I told Lauren, I was Bobcat Goldthwaiting all up in her space but she thoughtfully considered it and said, “No, you know what? It is funny. I don’t really know why, but it is. I’m on your side!”

YESSSSSSSS. I couldn’t wait to tell Henry.

“No, it’s still dumb, and Lauren is dumb too for encouraging you,” he sighed when I told him after work.

Just a few minutes ago, I was dancing to the Ursula’s Shoulder Pad jingle which I made up on the fly. “I really think this is the funniest thing I’ve ever said,” I said while sliding around in my socks. “I’ll never be this funny again!”

“It’s literally the dumbest thing you’ve ever said, so….” Henry sighed.

TOUGH FUCKING CROWD.

But seriously, look at those arm barnacles!

(Henry just said I’m dumb again and that’s literally all he ever says to me so I think that means he has a crush on me.)

(YOU GUYS I JUST MADE THAT PICTURE THE LOCKSCREEN ON CHOOCH’S PHONE HE IS GOING TO BE SO PISSED!)

ETA: Or is she really HENRY’S SHOULDER PAD?? Oh shit did I just … MAKE SENSE of this?! Did I just … TIE THIS ALL TOGETHER? Wow, that’s almost like real blogging.

I started to feel sick yesterday and whined about how I thought I had a fever and Henry was like YOU DONT HAVE A FEVER so then I made him take my temperature and guess who HAD A FEVER?

It wasn’t a big one but it was enough to make me feel like a slug so I spent most of last night writhing dramatically on the couch while watching theme park vlogs; I dragged Henry down into this with me – we’re really into the In The Loop YouTube channel.

My favorite vlogs are the ones with Legend and his girlfriend Molly. I LIKE HOW HER VOICE CRACKS and she seems like a nice person.

Oh! And I also like when Reese tags along in Clint’s videos. I have an open crush on Reese. Henry’s fine with it.

This In the Loop group is a freaking sausage party though, aside from the occasional appearance of wives/girlfriends. I briefly considered contacting them to see if they have any room for a girl correspondent or if that would rock the WHITE MALE boat too much, but then I realized that my amusement park reviews would be full of me screaming LOL LOOK AT THAT ASSHOLE’S HAIR (and then zooming in on Henry obviously) and likening thrill rides to Bathory’s Iron Maiden while the rest of them are like legit coaster nerds who say things like THAT IS A LABAMBA HYPER COASTER FROM ROMANIA WITH A JOJO SAWA ROLL AND -172 GRAVITY AIR TIME YEAH BOI.

I’m just like “There is a purple coaster. It has black cars and a bunch of douchebags in line. Let’s ride it.”

I am now also determined to go to DisneySea in Tokyo and I think Henry is half on board with it but we’ll see. One of us will likely have to get a second job lol.

But seriously, I wish I had jumped on that train a long time ago because my family literally plans trips around amusement parks (we’re going to Dollywood over Thanksgiving weekend!) and how amazing would it be if that was our actual job? Ugh I fucked up, man.

(I also berated Henry out of nowhere for not being a roller coaster engineer.

He took it stride.)

So that’s what I was doing again after work, watching theme park vlogs, until a few minutes ago when my friend sent me a message reminding me that the new Taemin video is out! I just watched it and it was like medicine being pelvic-thrusted into my system. NOW I WANT TO RIDE ROLLERCOASTERS WITH TAEMIN.

NEW LIFE GOAL, COME THRU.

We went to Castle Blood with my friend Lima. He wasn’t scared at all, but he never stopped talking in line, sort of like me. He was excited to go in, though, it was his first haunted house!

When we went in, we found out that the talismans were a spirit, a skull, and a staff. Castle Blood is a quest-type haunted house where we have objectives that need to be completed throughout the house. Immediately, I noticed that there were a whole bunch of new cast members. When we were presented with a puzzle, daddy was dazed and confused, but I understood most of them.

For example, in the new lab, there was a puzzle where we had to get a machine working to transform tissue in an organ. What we had to do to solve the puzzle was look around the room for what each letter is, for example A=⇑. The switches on the machine were labeled A.N.S.W.E.R.S. and we had to find out each letter. I ended up getting it, but I took too long, so it blew up…

In the fortune telling room, the gypsy told us that we were in grave danger! The spirits of the house didn’t like us being there and in order to protect our souls,  we needed a special item, the spirit! That was our first talisman collected! Now we were extra protected, with our weakest daddy having the Beads of Protection, and mum having the spirit, we were all safe! Well at least they were…

Later, we found out that when we die we will turn into zombies. We figured this out because we all had to pick up a skull and whatever it said under it, is what we are. Majority rules, so we were zombies. The librarian didn’t like that we were zombies, she preferred us to be ghosts, because she likes ghosts. She offered us a brain, because we needed one, but daddy needed one more so she gave it to him.

We entered the cemetery, the reaper told us to follow him, but we caught up to the next group, so we had to wait. Finally, we were able to go and the reaper told us to go up to the spider queen. She had many spider lings on her lap and she asked if we had anything for her.

I placed my foot on her stairs and she screamed at me and told me to take it off. Lima told her that he had something and she told him to give it to her. Instead of going up the stairs, he decided to just reach to her and hand it, but he got yelled at, too. He had to go up the stairs and give it to her, in return she gave him a spider.

Then, was the last puzzle, we were told to place a bunch of rocks in cauldrons so that the first one had 5, the second had 6, and the third one had “none”. In total, there were 15 stones. We put 5 in the first, 6 in the second, and had 4 left. We were stumped, then right when I was about to get it, mum put stones that spelled “none” in the third bucket. She got a stick, oh sorry I mean staff, and we were told to exit the cemetery and go back into the building. This was the part where we get our fangs! We showed that we got all of the talismans and we got our fangs! Lima put his in and he got his first picture at his first haunted house!

Sewickley Haunted Church is a cool haunted house because they really don’t care if they’re a church, all they care is if you don’t use profanity. We went in and mum was going way too slow, so I kept stepping on the back of her shoe, making it come off. The haunted house was actually jumpy because the walls were tarps, so people just jumped out from behind them. It was really creepy when we got into a large room with hanging objects and a girl singing the Lizzie Borden theme. Then it continued on in the next room, with her dad sitting at a table with an ax in his head. Other than that, though daddy got scared badly. He should’ve been the one holding the, “I peed a little,” sign.

Thanks for reading! Those were Castle Blood and Sewickly Haunted Church, I recommend these haunted houses, but for next year!

Moodiness & political drama aside, November has started off pretty nicely. Sometimes I get so bogged down by the news and the pissiness of people around me that I forget that things under my own roof are just fucking swell. So here are some things from the last week that have made me excited, smile, or just laugh my ugly face right off.

(Otherwise known as “I’m Trying To Clean Up My Camera Roll So Here Are Pictures.”)

• A SATURDAY NIGHT IN WEST VIRGINIA

Shit, I know what you’re thinking: How fun could a night in WV honestly be? But look, listen. There was one last haunted house I wanted to go to before slamming the door on another successful haunt season, but it’s TWO HOURS AWAY in Weston, WV. I’ve been twice before and I can tell you that it’s worth it, so I got Janna to agree to go too and Henry reluctantly drove us (I’m not great at night-driving, OK?! It’s a miracle I got us home from Fright Farm a few weeks ago). Chooch and I were rambunctious from the start because there is something about Janna that just seriously activates our Giddy Mode. It’s not even that she instigates us or anything, but more so that she is so freaking easy-going and basically ignores us that it just makes us react even harder. As you can imagine, Henry LOVES this. For instance, we stopped at a Sheetz in some rural area and Chooch was getting a “Hollywood Snack” pack and became deadset on getting Janna to buy one too. She eventually conceded and while we were cackling over this like hyenas in the car, Janna calmly said, “I HAVE HAD THIS BEFORE, CHOOCH, IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.”

OMG BUT IT WAS!

Then we were laughing because we she was taking so long inside Sheetz so we just left her in there. When she finally came out, she wasn’t even hurrying back to the car! SHE WAS IN THERE FOR SO LONG THAT HENRY WAS CHECKING THE OIL AND CLEANING OUT THE TRUNK!?

I’ll skip the haunted house part because I’m going to make Chooch write about that (lol, I love bossing him around) but we got stuck with an annoying family (I mean, aside from my own) so the haunt wasn’t as great because of that (the dad of all people was the one who ruined it for us because he was such a slow idiot and even the rest of his family was like “PAUL, GO FASTER!” because other groups were catching up to us, and it wasn’t until the next day when I was like,, “Oh shit, they were actually saying ‘Pa'” and then that just made it even funnier to me). By the time we got out of there, it was after 9 and we hadn’t eaten dinner yet, so Henry took us to DJs 50’s and 60s Diner, which is where we ate last year on the way home from the same haunt, but this time it was blessedly uncrowded. (Last year, it was after some football game so that place was packed with Trumpers.)

Chooch took this picture of his loving parents. Henry’s face was varying levels of anger and annoyance throughout the meal, especially when he summoned our waitress after we ordered because he wanted to tack on an appetizer for himself but when the waitress came over, Chooch cut him off to ask her what the wi-fi password was and then they were both talking to her at the same time and she was like WHAT TO DO but she ultimately chose to make Chooch’s request her priority and I thought Henry was going to flip the table especially later on when she came back with his appetizer and we all lunged for it so he ended up with only one deep fried banana pepper.

The trials and tribs of Henry J.

Chooch and I were fighting each other for Janna’s “good fries” because I am a super ridiculous fry snob with very narrow criteria that Henry hasn’t been able to decode in the 18  years I’ve been snatching “good fries” from his plates, and I managed to pass this trait down to Chooch which sucks because he knows EXACTLY the ones I like and has himself convinced that HE likes them the best too and now there is always a war over fries, even worse than when America was mad at France and took it out on french fries by renaming them FREEDOM FRIES.

But look, Chooch and I aren’t complete savages about this – we have enough civility to BARTER. Yes, that’s right, for every “good fry” we steal from someone else’s (read: Henry’s) plate, we toss in one of our own rejects. Janna was getting tired of us launching our unwanted fries onto her plate and eventually yelled, in her own way, “Oh my god, just take the ones you want! I don’t care!” and the fact that we managed to get Janna worked up over this made Chooch laugh so hard that he had to run to the bathroom to maybe-puke.

BUT HE TOOK A FRY WITH HIM!

Meanwhile, the waitress (a very sweet young girl who patiently endured our hour-long visit) came over to refill my coffee so I purposely held my cup over Henry’s lap and I was trying to hold back my giddy bray the whole time which only made it worse and the whole sitch ended up being awkward because I’m sure she thought I was laughing at her, but no, I was just being an asshole to my own people.

And then I got Janna to subscribe to my blog after 11 years!!

And then I took a picture of my gardenburger and cracked up all over again because who seriously takes a picture of a diner veggie patty.

AND THEN WHEN WE WERE LEAVING, WE SAW THIS PICTURE IN THE VESTIBULE. LOLOLOLOL..

Oh for god’s sake, I needed all that laughter. My cheeks felt like they were going to split!

• CUTE BLOUSES WITH THINGS ON IT

I’m a sucker for blouses with things on it. I don’t care how juvenile it is! I recently bought these two cutie shirts from F21 and they put me in a great mood:

The horse one has such great sleeves, which is another thAng I’m a sucker for.

(I had a friend who hated when I said thang instead of thing and even though I use it sparingly these days, it’s not without a bucket of smugness.)

CLOSEUP OF MY BEE BLOUSE. I love bees.

• OBLIGATORY CAT PICTURE

• MORE LIBRARY DRAMA

Well, Son of the Year finally had his library ban lifted so he went there the other night to get a book for his next genre report but he was DENIED when he went to check it out because he allegedly has three overdue books, about which I know NOTHING, and he naturally came home and couldn’t find them and look, I’m not dealing with this shit. He can rake some yards to pay off his library debt or go to Book Jail for all I care.

So then the other night I was like, “Oh yeah, when do you need to choose a book for your report?” thinking that maybe we could just go to like, Half Dollar Books this weekend but he said, “Tomorrow.”

TO-MOR-ROW.

Because they have to turn their books for the teacher’s dumb approval before they can start working on the reports, you know?

I was like, “YOU LITTLE SON OF A—-” and then stormed off into my bedroom to find him a book to use. (Luckily I have lots of young adult books, lol.) I intended to lend him Charlotte Sometimes (the book that inspired the Cure song of the same name!) but then he was like WHAT IS THIS ONE and that’s how Christopher Pike’s seminal classic Chainletter became the subject of Chooch’s genre report.

You’re welcome, 7th grade Communications Teacher.

• TAEMIN’S JAPANESE SELF-TITLED ALBUM

Look, you knew there was going to be at least one mention of Taemin in this post. He’s all I have while G-Dragon is fulfilling his military duties! Anyway, I have been loving Taemin’s latest release, which is Japanese and I usually don’t like Japanese versions of K-pop songs, but it’s TAEMIN so I’m OK with it. Plus, the new “just-for-Japan” tracks are killer. My favorite so far is HOLY WATER:

And also this immaculate performance of Eclipse. If I ever get to see him perform live in front of me, under the same roof,  I don’t know if my legs will be able to hold me up. Taemin, come  to America and let’s find out!

Well, on that note, I’m gonna peace right on outta here. Have a great weekend,  don’t jaywalk, etc etc etc.

It’s been a minute since I regaled this cobwebbed corner of the internet with stories from my dumb lunch break walks, but autumn has officially blanketed the city so I felt inspired to get snap-happy.

The blue skies have been very welcome after the dreariness we’ve been experiencing here in Pittsburgh, and I’m not just talking about the weather. Anyone here who says that Synagogue hasn’t affected the city clearly never leaves their house because the atmosphere downtown last week was solemn and at times just straight up electric with anger.

I witnessed two men verbally arguing about Trump, in front of the August Wilson Center, to the point where one of the men was chest-butting the other guy and screaming, “COME AT ME.”

The next evening, I was walking through Market Square after work and stumbled right smack in the middle of an argument about profiling between a small crowd of strangers. One of them screamed, “I’M A JEW!” and another one spat back, “SO AM I!” while the Christmas Market was being assembled several yards away.

‘Tis the fucking season.

Another day, I was walking back to work when I was approached by a middle-aged man. I saw it coming, he had that look of desperation and I have the look of GULLIBILITY, so I wasn’t shocked when he veered toward me.

“Excuse me, ma’am, can you do me a favor?” he asked.

My reflexes are so terrible in these situations because I always feel like I’m damned if I do, etc etc. Of course I always want to ignore these solicitors but at the same time, I’m afraid of angering the wrong person, so I generally at least pretend to be nice for a few seconds.

I figured he was just going to ask for money, because that’s what it always is if it isn’t the extremely rare request for my phone number from someone who is clearly blind. So I figured I would save him his whiskey-breath by shrugging and saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t have anything.”

Usually this works! But not on this day. As I turned to walk away, this ballsy man said, “Come here” as he grabbed me by the sleeve of my coat and attempted to pull me toward him!? OH BITCH HELL NO DO I NEED TO GET SCRAPPY?!

I wrenched my arm back until the fabric slipped from his fingers and, still trying to be SOMEWHAT POLITE because GOD FORBID A WOMAN DENIES A MAN SOMETHING, I said I was late for work an proceeded to walk backward because I was afraid to take my eyes off him. Women get stabbed for shit like this everyday, you never know what you’re dealing with out there!

He just kept talking, too! I think he even said he liked my leg warmers?! Like them all you want, just NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN, GOOD LORD.

I came back to work and was SHOOK. I went straight to Lauren’s desk and told what happened and only then did I realize that it  had upset me so much that I was near tears. I just kept thinking about all the ways that could have taken a turn for the worse.

However! Yesterday, I had quite the opposite experience. I was walking across one of them there bridges, headed back toward the office, when a man about my age stopped before passing me.

“Excuse me, are you from here?” he asked.

HOO BOY, HERE WE GO.

Like a moron, I said yes. For someone who hates people, I sure fucking engage with them willingly. #ContraryMary

“What’s the white building over there?” he said, pointing at something across the river. I braced myself but when I saw what he was pointing at, I was like YES I KNOW THIS. I KNOW THIS!!

“Oh, that’s um, the uh…convention center,” I said with zero conviction because I couldn’t remember the name of the convention center but at least I knew that it was a shelter for conventions!!! It’s also the biggest eyesore in downtown Pittsburgh, if you ask me, but no one ever does.

“Oh, that makes sense,” he said. “And what about that?” Now he was pointing a different direction, toward Mt. Washington.

Shit.

“Um, I think those are just condos?” I said, my tone the verbal embodiment of a shrug.

“And there’s a casino here, right?” he asked, like I was wearing some ASK ME ABOUT PGH sandwich board.

Now I felt like I was on some hidden camera quiz show.

I knew the general direction of the casino, so I felt like I was doing well, a lot better than the time the in-a-hurry businessman from NYC stopped to ask me where to catch a cab.

LOL, IN PITTSBURGH? Good luck.

Anyway, turns out this dude’s name is Adam and he came here from Vancouver for the dumb Steelers game which is tonight I guess, and I only know that because I accidentally walked to the dumb Heinz Field and got trapped in a mess of tents, some dumb THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL stage being set up, and people being excited about dumb football. This was actually where I was walking back from when I ran into Adam.

His friend’s flight wasn’t until later that afternoon, so he was killing some time by walking around the ‘Burgh when he ran into the city’s worst tour guide. He said that Pittsburgh was bigger than he thought (it’s small, you guys) and he thought it was “very nice.”

I did tell him about the incline on Mt. Washington though, because I do think that’s a thing that all visitors should do when they come here because who doesn’t like a good view of a city, you know? It’s our version of a sky tower, I guess. But Adam kept wanting to think  that the track I was pointing to was steps, so he was like, “Oh OK and so you can walk up that hill…” and I was like, “NO IT IS LIKE A FUNNICULAR, ADAM, YOU RIDE ON IT, PLEASE TRY TO KEEP UP.”

It was almost as bad as the firsts time Bill & Jessi visited and Bill was 110% convinced that the Incline was literally someone’s house that drove up and down a hill all day long. I think he’s the one that I also had convinced was going to go super fast like a rollercoaster whenever we were about to board.

I might not be a verified tour guide, but I am a verified motherfucker.

Adam and I shook hands and I was starting to walk away when he called my name with urgency.

SHIT, PLEASE DON’T ASK ME THE NAMES OF THE RIVERS. PLEASE DON’T ASK ME THE NAMES OF THE RIVERS. I’LL HAVE TO PHONE A FRIEND AND THEN THEY’LL THINK SOMEONE DIED BECAUSE I NEVER PHONE A FRIEND.

“What’s that sandwich place that everyone here likes…?” he asked, and I laughed to myself because I was literally just telling my friend Kyoung from Korea about this that morning in our Kakao chat when we were talking about food that our cities are known for.

(Of course, his town is known for legit dishes and I’m like, “I dunno…a sandwich that comes topped with fries and coleslaw?”)

“Oh, Primanti’s,” I laughed knowingly, like it was some inside Yinzer joke but it’s not because Primanti’s has expanded to like, dumb Ohio so it’s not exactly a secret.

Of course then he wanted to know how to get there and I wasn’t sure if there is one in Heinz Field because I have never been there because I don’t like football or anything else that would ever happen there unless it’s like, The Cure or a Kpop festival which will likely never happen. So I gave him weird arm-twisty directions to the one in the Strip because I think that’s like, the original?

And then he asked me what I get when I go and I started cracking up big time because this guy has no idea what a half-assed Pittsburgher I am, man.

“Well, I don’t eat meat, so I would just get cheese. But other people, um, get ones with lots of meat, I think,” was my super convincing answer. And actually, I have only gone to Primanti’s twice in probably 20 years because it does nothing for me.

I came back from my walk and went straight to tell Todd about my encounter because he loves listening to stories about me awkwardly interacting with strangers, and I knew he would think it was even more special that the conversation was about Pittsburgh Things.

“Well, if you were really on a game show and the question was ‘Most Popular Primanti’s Sandwich,’ you’d probably want to say pastrami,” Todd said and honestly it’s been so long since I was in the meat game that I can’t even think of what pastrami is so that’s what Henry and I talked about last night when he picked me up from work: how pastrami is not Pâté  (literally I was picturing a Primanti’s pâté  sandwich and couldn’t understand why that would be the most popular?!) and how Adam picked the wrong motherfucker to get insider tourist tips.

*******************

Bonus “reporting from work” fodder:

I went to visit my old area today for some Chatty Time.

“I was thinking earlier about how Glenn used to choke all the time for attention. Does he still do that?” I asked, since I don’t sit over there anymore to keep track and also Glenn was gone for the day so I couldn’t ask him to his face.

“Yeah, but I don’t think he’s doing it for attention,” Todd said, in full White Knight regalia. “In fact, he was actually choking earlier and I thought to myself, at what point do I step in?”

“That’s because he eats peanuts!” I cried, not willing to give up any pity. “Look, he has a huge industrial-sized jar on his desk right now!”

“Are you talking about how Glenn is going to choke to death someday and I’m not going to know?” Lauren said, pivoting in her chair.

“Ugh, he totally fakes it!” I cried, and Todd was behind me shaking his head at the camera. “Remember that one time I asked him if I could NOT get him a glass of water?” I asked. CLASSIC ERIN.

“I always feel really bad when it happens!” Lauren said, because she is a good person.

“One time, I told him to stop because it was annoying me,” I said with a shrug, and Lauren was like, “ERIN OMG!” Hahaha, I’m the best.

They totally miss me sitting over there.

It’s crazy to think that I was going to shows (alone, mostly) 5 or more times a month before my life did a 180. There just isn’t much in that scene that has grabbed my attention since I felt in love with Korean music, even though I thought I would be able to maintain both lifestyles. But then Emarosa announced a very small and limited run of super-intimate club shows and I was like, “OK, I’m in.”

Still, it was hard to get back into that “changing clothes and leaving for the show straight from work” groove that used to be my norm! It was a struggle man, especially when we got to the South Side and had a hard time finding a parking spot because there were at least two other shows going on Thursday night.

And it was raining.

And I was tired.

And I was hungry.

But…Emarosa.

The show was at Smiling Moose and I was stoked for that because I love that little spot so much. I feel at home there and not super anxious like some other venues make me feel – like Mr Smalls; I don’t mind that place when Henry is with me but anytime I went alone I felt like I was slowly dying.

This was Chooch’s first time at Smiling Moose, somehow! He’s been to nearly every other venue in the city but this one so I was excited to scratch it off his list (I don’t think he cared either way; he’s 12 and only cares about Fortnite and, thankfully, school).

The show started around 7 with local band Milly who I swear I have seen before but after googling, I think maybe not?! OMG I WAS WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? I have to be honest here and say that I was kind of in a mood and was sort of prepared to be unimpressed, but these guys proved as usual that I am a prejudiced asshole because they fuckin’ slayed, OK? At least I can admit when I’m wrong!

I saw Chooch pull out his phone and add one of their song names to a Note, so that is like the ultimate seal of approval – an opening band not only holding my kid’s attention, but inspiring him to make a note to check them out at home?! Well done, Milly.

Apparently, they toured with Bradley (Emarosa’s frontman) years ago, before they were Milly and before Bradley was in Emarosa, so that was interesting to know! I like full-circles.

I would definitely go see Milly again. They held my attention and I didn’t drift off into a daydream once, which is surprising because I was really tired that day.

After Milly’s set, I was reminded of the only thing I dislike about the Smiling Moose and that is the super awkward stowing of equipment along the sides of the room. There is no “backstage” so all bands have to load in and out from the front, which means that you’re in the way if you stand in the center of the floor, and then they stack all their shit along the walls near the stage, so you’re in the way if you stand to the side as well. The only place I haven’t been in the way was all the way in the back at the bar and in the bathroom.

SPEAKING OF THE BATHROOM, the last time I was there, I lost a brand new lipstick in there! It fell out of my pocket and I didn’t realize it until I got home and I was sad but at least it wasn’t any of my good Korean lip stuff, just some lame Cover Girl thing probably I think who cares, IT’S OVER NOW.

Oh, did I tell you that Henry wasn’t even with us for Milly? He was at the bar, being a cool boy. But then he encroached on our spot near the stage in between bands and was all cocky because Bradley saw him back there and said hi. Get over yourself, Hank.

The second and final opening band was another local one – Secret Eyes. Immediately, we were annoyed because one of their people, a very nice girl, kept asking us to move because she was setting up some extraneous, gratuitous light fixture on both sides of the stage, and of course one of them needed to be planted exactly where Chooch was standing. We all took a step back, but the guy next to me was unwilling to move so it was tight quarters during the entire soundcheck and set, but thankfully that was cut short due to technical difficulties which prevented one of their guitarists from performing with them so they had to play as a three piece and it really threw them off big-time. I felt bad but at the same time I was like maybe you shouldn’t have worried so  much about these dumb lights that aren’t even adding anything special to your set, boys.

I’m not sure if I would have liked them or not, and it was hard to tell based on the version of the band we got that night, but the singer did at times sound like the guy from A Skylit Drive, so I was into that. Until they played a cover of the Weeknd and then they lost me.

We were elated when the girl came back to retrieve those lights afterward,  freeing Chooch to dip back into his corner spot. That dummy next to me still wouldn’t move though even though he and his girlfriend had a wealth of space next to them, but whatever. I wasn’t trying to let my inner stodgy old person get the best of me on this night. TIME AND A PLACE, ERIN.

TIME AND A PLACE.

Emarosa came out, no frills, no gimmicks, and proceeded to rip our faces off. The stress almost immediately melted off my shoulders. I had no idea how much emotional weight I had been lugging around, and how much I needed to be there that night. My sanity needed it.

The music is obviously what keeps me coming back for more, after all these years, that long hiatus, lineup changes, and a gradual but progressive change in sound, but what REALLY sets these guys apart for me is the stage presence, the inter-band camaraderie, the fan engagement, and the easy-going humor that shines so naturally in between songs. Bradley could easily stand up there, belt out every song with the sheer perfection that we all know and love, and call it a day. But instead, he treats the audience like we’re in on a joke, like we’re part of a club (#peachclub represent), like we’re actual people and not just faces in a crowd. And he is FUNNY. Like Chris Pratt-funny. Like dad joke-funny.

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It’s been a bit over a year since we last saw them, and even longer since they delivered their last album to our eager ears (2016, I believe). But they’ve been hunkered down for the past year, writing the new record, and it’s scheduled to drop this February! In the meantime, they embarked on this super quick run of intimate shows before jumping on another tour to support Hands Like Houses, and Pittsburgh just happened to be the FIRST STOP on this tour. Which means that we were the first ones to get a sneak peek at the new jams! They performed two of them for us that night, and Bradley made us swear we wouldn’t record it.

He told us to just be in the moment, but then laughed and said it was also because they weren’t even sure if these new songs were in final form, lol.

I don’t have anything to share, and I wouldn’t do that to them even if I did, but I can tell you that one of the songs had major Carly Rae Jepsen vibes to it and it fucking slapped.  If it’s any indication to how the rest of the album is going to flesh out, then get ready to hear a lot more about Emarosa, you guys. I think they’re not going to be my little secret for much longer.

But I’m ready to share them! They deserve all the exposure.

I love that Bradley was wearing a vintage Michael Jackson shirt and that the two girls in front of the stage were dramatically singing every song to each other and that some guy in the back kept screaming, “YOUR DRUMMER LOOKS LIKE POST MALONE!” and finally Bradley was like, “I KNOW, MY DRUMMER LOOKS LIKE POST MALONE” and that the crowd was just so pure and involved and THERE FOR IT.

I’m awful at remembering set lists, but I looked at the one for the show after ours, and I’m 99% sure it was the same:

• Blue
• Young Lonely (I love screaming this one)
• Helpless
• *new song*
• Miracle
• People Like Me… (so stoked for an older jam!)
• Cloud 9
• *new song*
• A Hundred Crowns
• Hurt
• Sure

Afterward, we begged for more and Bradley said they had time to do one more, but everyone had to agree on it, and it had to be something they already played (wtf lol) so of course everyone started screaming their choices, which Bradley narrowed down to “Helpless” and “Cloud 9” but then we all had to agree on one of those and Helpless won so I was so excited!

But then they played Cloud 9 again too! I KNOW THAT SOUNDS DUMB LIKE WOW THEY DID THE SAME SONGS TWICE BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY AND THE ENERGY IN THAT ROOM WAS OFF THE CHARTS!

Oh I felt cleansed.

Afterward, we hung back so that we could say what’s up to Bradley, but he ended up coming over to us on his own and gave us all hugs (I was annoyed that Henry got one too, though, because it made Henry feel like he was special or something lol) and we got to chat with him a bit about Emarosa’s upcoming album, more tours, special surprises — it was just really cool and I was so happy to see them again. It’s always a pleasure and I’m so glad that this went from something that I was into by myself to a band that my whole family loves, as Kumbaya as that sounds (I’m still Satan, so don’t get too excited).

Is it weird to say that I’m proud of them? Because I really am. That band was nearly decimated by their old singer, but they forged ahead and haven’t looked back. They are so much more than the post-hardcore band I first fell in love with ten (!!!) years ago.  Long live Emarosa. <3

To conclude, here are some Emarosa videos that I love a lot, in hopes that maybe some stranger out there will too!

YES OR YES??

I won’t be voting until after work, but I am so fucking ready. I am also so fucking nauseous. Let’s do this, guys.