Ugh, I had an eye appointment after work yesterday. I used to go to one of those shopping center eye chains and I swear the doctor I had there was 18, it was so concerning. Like she got her license from the back of matchbook. I hated the broad in the front of the place though, the one in charge of upselling frames, etc. She reminded me so much of this drag of human being named Brenna that I used to know from LiveJournal. So then I tried going to one of their other locations and was called “kelly” the entire time even after pointing out that my name was “Erin” and receiving an empty apology.

So, then Henry was like, “I found a real eye doctor that we can all go to as a family” (see Monday’s post re: Chooch going to the eye doctor alone and blaming me for his forgetting the insurance and HSA cards). I’ve only been there once so far, in 2023, and it was fine but I’m positive my prescription was wrong. So, there’s that.

The appointment was scheduled for 6pm and they tell you to get there 15 minutes early SO I DID because if people remember one thing about me when I die, let it be that I was punctual to a compulsion. (OK, let it be something cooler and more impressive than that, but still.)

Henry drove me because I had taken my contacts out at home so I wouldn’t have to fuck around with that there, and I literally cannot drive in glasses. I can barely walk down the steps in them. In fact, it had been so long that I wore my glasses (probably April when we were flying home from Korea!?) that I was screaming, “DO MY LEGS ALWAYS LOOK THIS SHORT AND SQUAT???” while Henry was holding my hand as I slowly descended the steps in the house.

I hate hate hate the eye doctor. I get performance anxiety so bad! What is the right answer?! Better or worse?! Or the same?! I legit cannot tell!! It’s nearly 2025 – why do I have to tell THEM?? Can’t a compute just show them how my eyes are seeing the stupid farmhouse in the picture?! I can’t handle it. And as such, my prescription is never correct. I can see but not well. I always have to ask Henry, “What does that say?” when we’re watching TV and it shows like, I dunno, the texts on someone’s phone.

(Luckily, I can still handle the size of subtitles.)

Arriving 15 minutes early like the good, clock-abiding citizen that I am, I walked inside on trembling fawn legs, filled out the required paperwork, and then sat with my legs crossed ultra-tight to suppress the nervous pee sensation.

It was freezing in there and I made sure to text Henry about this numerous times. There was a space heater but some old man was hogging it. He got called back soon after so I moved over to his seat and realized that maybe it wasn’t a space heater after all but an air purifier? I don’t know, but it emitted no heat whatsoever.

I was alone in the drab waiting room (it is like a free clinic in there, if you know what I mean) and no music was playing, even. WHERE IS THE SOFT ROCK, BITTEL VISION FAMILY??

“They still haven’t called me back yet,” I texted Henry with frozen fingers.

“It literally just turned 6:00,” was Henry’s response, and I could already sense that he was changing into his knight’s armor in the car.

Then it was 6:o6 so I made sure to let Henry know that they were officially late.

In all of my eye doctor appointed-spare time, I watched some IG reels with the volume off.

Then, thanks to targeted ads, I started thinking of all the things that I needed Henry to buy for me. Like vitamins.

“Order my vitamins.”
“I can feel myself declining.”
“Since you have been depriving me of them.”

After what seemed like a fortnight, it was now 6:15. I had been sitting there for 30 minutes at this point, with no one popping by to say, “Sorry we’re running a bit behind! Be with you soon!” Had they had the courtesy to check in with me, I wouldn’t have been silently turning into a time bomb in their dirty, ugly waiting room. I started to get the shakes, like I was ready to tear off my skin and show the world my inner Karenwolf, baying at the manager.

I texted Henry: “I’m going to leave.”

Even I didn’t know at the time if I was bluffing or not, but the longer I stewed in the BITTEL VISION inefficiency, the more my blood was boiling and I was starting to picture myself with a “Plus Eight” coif. Could I pull it off?

I could hear the raucous laughter of men down the hall, behind closed doors. Presumably THE BITTELS. This made me even angrier. These assholes were back there yukking it up while I was being robbed of my VERY IMPORTANT TIME.

So I did it. I wasn’t a Karen about it. I didn’t stomp my feet and yell about the unfairness of it all. I didn’t shove the door open angrily on my way out. I just simply got up and quietly left.

Then RAN TO THE CAR.

“Are you fucking serious?” Henry asked as I threw myself in the car like I was being tackled from behind by the eye doctor himself.

Henry, who by this point had finished polishing his feather-topped helmet, white-knighted them the whole way home.

“You have to wait at all doctors! It’s not just them!” he cried.

“It’s the fact that no one came out and apologized for the delay!” I countered. “If the receptionist had bothered to open her stupid privacy window and acknowledge that I had been LEFT TO DIE OUT THERE, I would have gladly continued to wait! BY THE WAY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE WE ARE!”

Also, this was DURING PRIME DINNER TIME. I HAD DELAYED MY EVENING FEEDING FOR THESE PEOPLE TO DICK ME AROUND.

(We were at a red light at an intersection and since I had glasses on, all I could see was BOKEH and my eyes were crossing.)

“And I don’t know why you’re such a Bittel stan, they fucked your glasses up last time!” I cried, unwillingly to move on.

“Yeah, and then they fixed it,” Henry said calmly.

“A GOOD EYE DOCTOR WOULDN’T HAVE MESSED IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE!” I wheezed while clutching my chest.

We drove a bit in silence and then I started reading their reviews on Yelp. “They got shitty reviews, by the way,” I said in my patented, “JUST SO YOU KNOW” teenage lilt.

Then I said I was just going to go back to my old-old eye doctor down the street.

“You stopped going to him because he called you a crackhead!” Henry said.

“Yeah, but that was a long time ago. I’ve moved on from that, and he was really old then so maybe someone has succeeded him by this point.” You never know.

(He called me a crackhead because I was being neurotic as usual and self-diagnosing myself with obscure eye conditions.)

We came home and I immediately started chewing Chooch’s ear off about my mistreatment while Henry stood there with a smirk-frown on his face, waiting for his chance to white knight some more.

“OMG! Go take a bullet for the Bittels, for Christ’s sake!” I screamed. Chooch just shook his head and retreated to his room while CHUCKLING. Great, laugh at your mother’s trauma.

Eventually, Henry apologized to me for taking the side of the BITTELS.

I accepted his apology, but a few minutes later, I started giggling to myself. “Wanna know something funny?” I asked Henry, whose face immediately drained of color.

“WHAT. WHAT DID YOU DO.”

“Well, as I was walking out the door of the eye doctors—-”

“They fucking called your name, didn’t they?” Henry sighed in disappointment.

“Yeah, someone was totally walking down the hall calling my name,” I laughed. “But it was too late! I couldn’t turn around at that point! I had to stay committed to the cause.”

“omg,” Henry muttered.

———————

Later that night,  Henry and I were sharing a beer.  “That’s pretty good, I like it,” Henry said innocently.

“It’s no BITTEL VISION though!” I shouted mockingly and he floated out of the room on the pillowy bed of his deep sigh.

Seven years ago today, I woke up and looked at my phone as is the A.M. tradition for all of us in the 21st century. The first thing I saw was a news alert from Korean media saying that Jonghyun of SHINee had been found unresponsive in his apartment and rushed to the hospital. I remember thinking that no, this was wrong. It must be someone else. But as I got ready for work, I continued to check my phone until the news eventually broke that he had died.

I still feel the same way about this as I did that morning. Sick. Gutted. Devastated. This was the one celebrity death that really took me out and continues to upset me. Knowing that he felt that he had nothing else to give, couldn’t hold any longer while being the source of happiness for millions of people. Depression is such a silent killer – on some levels, I have felt similarly and knowing that he felt this way and worse breaks me. He was such a talented and bright light for so many people – I wish that could have provided him the hope that he needed.

Today always serves as a reminder to me to just be nice. Ask your friends and family how they are doing. Take time out of your day to really listen. You never know who around you are quietly suffering inside. <3

• “There’s nothing to eat in this house.” x26278344 throughout the day.
• Walking into the kitchen in the morning to a sink full of dirty dishes even though “there’s nothing to eat in this house.”
• Towels all over the bathroom floor.
• Globs of toothpaste in the sink.
• “I’m bored.” x1728383949 throughout the day.
• Maniacal laughter and screaming well into the night as he plays his dumb computer games with his friends.
• Household expenses ⬆️.
• “I want….” x373848484 throughout the day.
• “I need….” x383849494 throughout the day.
• Annoying YouTube videos featuring grown men screaming playing in the background while I’m working.
• “There’s nothing to do.” x9992827737 throughout the day.
• The rise in my blood pressure when he has an eye appt and I give him my insurance and HSA card and he OF COURSE leaves the house without it and then texts me angrily from the doctor demanding me to “take a picture of the insurance card” so I do and then I go back to work and about 30 minutes later he texts again this time needing my HSA card # and because it took me a whopping 10 seconds to retrieve the card, he then texts THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. Well yeah and good for the doof who WAS PROVIDED BOTH CARDS IN ADVANCE BY A RESPONSIBLE PARENT yet STILL LEFT WITHOUT BOTH.
• A text sarcastically thanking me for not telling him some road is one lane due to construction.
• Being in the middle of writing a work email while a rant about “and why did I have to pay anything anyway, isn’t that what insurance is for?!” is being tossed around behind me. Welcome to America, sonny boy. (It was a $10 copay but still, he was S H O C K E D by this.)
• Being told throughout the day that everything I do, say, an(d like is dumb like it’s my life’s theme song (omg is this how Henry feels lol).

But other than that, it’s been so nice having him home! 😆

Mark Lee from my fave NCT just released another solo today with the AMAZING Lee YoungJi. It has killed me dead. Mark is so underrated and should be a universal household name.

But yeah honestly can you guys let him rest, SM? He just finished an international tour with NCT Dream, got literally mobbed in NYC, flew back to Korea in time to perform at the end of the year shows, is going to be recording another NCT Dream album, has an NCT127 tour in March…and this is just what I know off the top of my head, I’m not his freaking manager.

But maybe I should be.

Earlier today, I was trying to get Henry to show off his Seventeen member knowledge to Chooch and he refused.

“Then I’m not talking to you for the rest of the day!” I cried.

“Can you not talk to me too?” Chooch asked with faux enthusiasm.

Just in case you were wondering how “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is working out for our family.

Somehow, some way, I had good luck on this Friday the 13th and managed to get tickets to TAEMIN’S FIRST US SOLO TOUR.

The venues for this tour were only just announced the other day and when Henry showed me, I felt instantly sick. I already knew there were only going to be 5 cities, but out of those 5 cities, 4 of the shows are being held in theaters with capacities between 3,000 and 3,800.

For Taemin.

Of course, LA’s is the KIA Forum which holds 17,000 so it was less of a bloodbath for them I imagine.

Tickets for the NYC show were being sold fire through the theater’s website, so our strategy was that Henry would try for that at work while Chooch (who arrived home last night via Amtrak and has been bitching up a storm ever since) and I would try for Chicago.

CHOOCH WAS BASICALLY NO HELP. He just stressed me out even more because he woke up at the very last minute, came downstairs in a huff, spat, “WHAT DO U WANT ME TO DO AGAIN??” and then put on some loud, screamy YouTube channel.

THEN right when it was time to enter the waiting room, TICKETMASTER WAS ALL, “HAHAHA WAIT UP WE NEED YOU TO CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD JUST FOR FUNSIES EVEN THO WE JUST MADE U DO THIS 2 WEEKS AGO TOO ISNT THIS IS A FUN GAME?”

I was SEETHING.

The same thing happened to Chooch.

But then, miracles of miracles, when I was put in the queue, there were only 600 ppl ahead of me??!!

“Well, there are like 5000 ahead of me, so no use in me trying, bye” Chooch said as he DITCHED ME! Super big help.

AND THEN I GOT IN and was able to actually get decent seats before the dynamic pricing entered the chat?! What sorcery…??

The way I was shaking. The way my Fitbit was like “hello rapid heart beat detected are you having a heart attack?” The way I burst into tears when the “you got the tickets!” image popped up on the screen.

Taemin has been my #2 ult bias since 2017. He has brought so much joy into my life. I sit next to a cardboard cutout of him everyday when I’m working at my home desk. He is so brilliant, my dream idol, a source of so much of my happiness. And now I will get to see him in Chicago in two mths.

I can’t even believe it. I feel so grateful.

Meanwhile I had the NY theater’s website open and I was 8000 in the queue with a wait time of over an hour. For fun, I let that play out and of course it was sold out. I am sure there is a logistical reason why Taemin’s agency booked such small venues, or maybe they underestimated his popularity in the US, but I really feel like they did him and his fans dirty.

Almost 2 hours later, Chooch came downstairs and asked if I got the tickets.

“Yes! Didn’t you hear me screaming?”

“I tend to block you out,” he said with a half-shrug.

Wow.

Anyway.

This year was rife with many losses, but this was a win that I really needed and I fully know how lucky I am. I am so happy!

YOU GUYS IM GOING TO SEE LEE TAEMIN!!!! Am I dreaming???

It’s so funny how all these years we all thought I was just born to hate beer but here it was because people kept serving me swill. Now that I know I have a SOPHISTICATED PALATE it’s like a new level to my life has been unlocked. I’m having such a fun time with this! I like also that I’m not drinking to get drunk. I usually only have the equivalent of one or two beers which I split with Henry because I don’t like drinking full beers – I get bored and want to move on to something else.

Henry said this is probably just my latest phase and he’s probably right but let’s just enjoy it while it lasts because I’m still in the “ooh that’s a cool can let’s get it”‘ phase.

We procured some Korean craft beer from an H-Mart outside of Detroit yesterday and sampled two of them last night to make sure they’re good enough for our Chingumas guests. We liked both! Unforch, we are not rich people so we only got about 4 cans of everything we saw. (There wasn’t much to choose from. Maybe someday k-beer will be as easily accessible here as k-everything else.)

(The one I really wish I could find is from a Korean brewery called Magpie. Henry had one of their beers at our favorite vegan restaurant in Seoul – Plant – and I really liked it too which was a surprise because this was prior to my beer identity reveal.)

I recently dove headfirst into IPA-ville and some of my friends have been shocked snd awed over the speed of my advancement. I’m telling you – I just didn’t have the right people holding my hand down these hoppy paths all these years.

Chooch just came home from Philly tonight and as he walked by to immediately leave again, I cried, “chooch! Mommy likes IPAs now.”

“Great,” he said drily.

Belgians still have my have heart though. This my 2024 collectors Duvel glass! I think part of the reason why I like Belgian beer so much is the GLASS COLLECTING ELEMENT.

Ever since the bartender at Aston taught us about triple IPAs, I have been obsessed with trying more. We got this one last weekend at Duffy’s and I was actually really mad that I had to share it with Henry, it was THAT good.

Apparently, Smiling Moose has IPAs! The Smiling Moose is a local bar and at one time, in my pre-Kpop era, was one of my favorite music venues. I used to see so many shows there, solo, that I became on friendly terms with the bouncer. Wow, so cool, Erin.

Anyway, not surprising but this was great! I know the grapefruit bitterness is why people who don’t like IPAs, you know, don’t like IPAs but I’m obsessed with it. I mean, I also love grapefruit in general, just digging right in with a spoon, so…

And then a trio of more Belgian notches to the belt. I loved all of these! Janna is supposed to get me the St Bernadus gift shop for Xmas so I can have another glass for my collection – WE WILL SEE IF SHE COMES THRU.

the end.

Henry, first thing this morning in the hotel: Are you watching the videos you took from last night?

Me: ofc

——

Roadtrip food interlude! I would remiss to not give the vegetarian restaurant we ate at this morning a shout-out in its own post. Henry found this place when he was looking for nearby H-Marts in the Detroit area (we are still trying to build up a k-beer stock for Chingumas, so annoying like a treasure hunt).

Even the name – Spacecat V-stro – is fun!

Full transparency, I originally found myself hovering above the DANGER ZONE which is where I am hyper-focusing on stupid shit – did I gain weight, do I look ugly, should I start a fight, should I punish myself? Why am I like this. I came so close to being like, “just forget the original plan, let’s just go home.”

But I fought with myself quietly behind the scenes (i.e. in my head) and just kept my big mouth shut so that we could just for once have a good morning. I know I’m difficult. I can’t always control it but if I can, I will. OK?? Leave me alone.

Spacecat can be found on a really cool, Pride flag-prominent street in Ferndale, also in good company with cozy-looking bars that probably have beers I can actually enjoy unlike Harry’s, indie gift shops, and a plant store that I would have popped into if it was open.

We also had a pleasant encounter on the sidewalk with a doctor (HE WAS WEARING A DOCTOR COAT; maybe he was a doctor for Halloween and really grew attached to the jacket but I really feel like he was a legit doctor guys, so stop asking me questions about it) regarding the hours of street parking while Henry was trying to download the parking app. I tried to point out that it said right on the parking kiosk that parking was 11am-12am or something but no one listened to me and it was just like the time Henry and I went to this haunted adventure trail where we ended up losing because Henry and some other cis white male ignored me and my correct solutions to the quests but it’s not like that happened in 2003 and I still dwell on it 21 years later because that wouldn’t be like me at all.

Anyway, it was 8:45am when we eventually went inside while Henry was still fussing with the parking app. There was only one person there – presumably the owner – and she greeted us so casually yet warmly as though expecting us, and I immediately knew it was going to be a good experience.

She told us to have a seat anywhere and then asked with a friendly eye brow raise, “You ready for some coffee?”

BET.

Most of the artwork was CATS. Fully my style. And the soundtrack was a great retro punk mix.

When the Spacecat lady came over with coffee and menus, she noticed Henry struggling with the parking app and said, “oh you don’t need to worry about that until 11!”

Mmmmmmm. YA DONT SAY, HENRY.

Now, about that menu! It’s almost predominately vegan but they DO bill themselves as a vegetarian restaurant because some of the things do have eggs/dairy. Others are naturally vegan, and then the rest have the option to swap out dairy cheese with vegan cheese.

I like their transparency!

I also like that all of their protein is made in-house, so no Impossible or Beyond products being used there. I appreciated this because I feel like it’s a cop-out to just add some toppings to an Impossible patty and then charge $20. Granted, I think Impossible burgers are delicious but I almost never order them while out because they kill my stomach and make me feel overstuffed.

Even the chik’n here was housemade with tofu, similar to how Zenith makes their tofishy sandwiches. I came so close to getting one of the chicken sandwiches (yes, it was 9am but who cares) but ultimately Henry ordered the chk’n and waffles so I just stole some off his plate – it was DIVINE. Henry, an avid disliker of tofu, fully approved of how the tofu had transformed into fried chicken.

And as for me, I was torn between several items on the brunch menu and the weekly grilled cheese special, but ultimately asked our Spacecat tour guide what their favorite of the two veggie burgers was. She steered me toward the Red Dwarf because it has “more going on” as opposed to the other burger option which was a more traditional patty melt. I also opted for the vegan cheese.

It was HEAVENLY. SPACEY even. The party was made from beets (and quinoa I think) and carrot “bacon” and the most deliciously tangy homemade sauce. I got it with a side of warm garlic kale and I could not have been more satisfied. It left me feeling full but not gross and bloated.

This food is made with love (they’re actually closed on Mondays and Tuesdays to make all of the food for the week) and even though it was nutritious, it still had that “restaurant cheat meal” edge to it.

Even Henry was raving about how much he enjoyed it.

And again, while I would have given this place a solid thumbs up regardless, the way the owner (?) was so down to earth and genuinely interested in where we were from, what brought us to Detroit, what the veg scene is like in Pgh – it just made it so much more memorable. I’m sure we will be back at some point to visit Jessi and Bill and when that happens, I am making them go there with us!

This just really set the tone for the day, in the most positive way possible. Literally the rest of the day – hunting for Korean beer at HMart, stopping at Biggby for coffee, and just being in the car together as we made our way back home – was so enjoyable and pleasant. No complaints. I can’t say that every often!

9:08am good morning – we are currently in the Liberty tunnels attempting to leave Pgh for the third time this morning. First, we only made it down the street when I wanted to go back and say goodbye to Penelope (hate leaving her even for just overnight now that she’s an Only :/).

Then we made it about 10 minutes away when I realized I left my purse/wallet at home. Between me and Chooch, we are hopeless with our wallets!

Henry ran back into the house to get it and right as we were pulling out of the driveway, I shouted “WAIT! My poca holder!” So he had to go back in and get that too and now it is attached to my hip where it belongs.

Then just now it occurred to me that I should check to see if my light stick works and the batteries are DEAD. So now we have to do that before the concert at some point. Glad I checked! (I also emailed the venue to make sure lightsticks are allowed since this isn’t a kpop-specific concert and they said YES. I saved the email in case there are ISSUES.

10:49am: obligatory rest stop selfie

Looking haggard, my signature style for 2024.

Nothing much has been going on except for spending an hour trying to get today’s Spotle which was FOLK ugh. I did eventually get it but it was an annoying process of elim.

12:54pm: I thought we were there because we crossed a bridge and I saw a city but it’s just TOLEDO ugh fml.

2:32pm: Just left Brooklyn something where I had one of the most mediocre vegan meals of my life.

Vegan oyster mushroom po boy, no thank you. There was something weird about the sauce, I dunno. I did not enjoy it.

Henry got a house made veggie burger and it was also mid.

The servers were annoying. Our original server forgot about us. This was after she tried to offer Henry FAYGO who was like “yeah that’s just what I want to drink” (HE WORKS FOR FAYGO IN CASE U DIDNT KNOW.)

However, on the way inside, I made friends with a black squirrel and then the cook resembled Henry so all was not in vain.

However, I will never dine here again if ever in Detroit.

2:41pm: Now we’re checking into some Motor City casino hotel thing. It’s a vibe.

The lady checking in the people next to us asked if they were going to a concert and they said Justin something and she goes oh I thought maybe you were going to Jingle Ball and I legit leaned over the counter and , my arm shot up into the air, yelled, “We’re going to Jingle Ball!” And she was like “oh yay!” But our check in lady was like mmmmm. But then she explained the shuttle to us so there’s that.

3:10pm: view from the parking garage.

3:16pm: view from the elevator ceiling

We need batteries for my lightstick and Henry said he is going to ask at the front desk where is close by to get batteries and I was like NO THEY MIGHT THINK WE NEED THEM FOR A VIBRATOR because that is the first place my mind went obviously so why not the front desk people too.

UGH he still asked anyway and did it while LEANING into the counter toward the lady and paired it with the creepiest WINK WINK grin whyyyyy. She said the store in the hotel should have them but they’re sold out because everyone else needed them for their vibrators too.

3:46pm: Went to Walgreens where Henry had to push a CUSTOMER SERVICE button for someone to COME TO ELECTRONICS and unlock them for him and somehow I have actually convinced myself that we really are procuring batteries for some disgusting XXX action wtf is wrong with me lol.

4:52pm: the hotel and casino

We are currently walking to the venue because the casino bar is dumb.

5:16pm: Now we’re at Harry’s and Henry is being so annoying.

I’m an IPA girlie in case you didn’t know.

5:25pm: I made Henry check-in his beer with my lightstick in the background hahah.

He’s trying to be an IPA boy but it’s a struggle. He just has the palate of a plebe.

You guys. Why do I think coming to bars is ever a good idea I’m such a dumbo.

6:32pm: Got in line for Jingle Ball and immediately met other NCTzens and they gave me a Renjun pin <3

Effortless entry. Great venue so far.

6:58pm: Um hello

Signing off!!!!

Every time we have visited Korea, we stumbled upon protests nearly every day. There were elections happening during our visit in March so we encountered a lot then too and when I say that I never felt unsafe, I mean it.

Koreans are so resilient, strong and savvy. The ongoing protests to call for their president’s impeachment make me wish that our country could also come together in such peaceful, uplifting and safe ways, while also using humor and engaging in literal kpop sing-alongs. This is what community and unity looks like. I really hope Americans are paying attention.

The footage of citizens singing G-Dragon’s “Crooked” together at night gives me actual goosebumps. I love this country so much and I hope that everything turns out ok. I generally try to stay out of other countries’ politics but you know how much Korea means to me.

This was my memory of the day, Barb and me after dinner at Gianna Via’s in 2017. Barb insisted on wearing her sunglasses for the picture and I am positive that I am in the middle of mocking her here. I really really really miss her and her not being here still feels wrong, fake news, just a bad dream.

Henry performed some sort of emotional probe on me late last night which I guess I really needed because I started sobbing uncontrollably for a good hour, just so much death this year, the guilt of not being able to save Bambi weighing on me every minute of every day, the faking it until I make it because I feel like my window of time to talk about these things closed many months ago. And so on and so forth as my first grade teacher would say.

I really don’t know what else I need to be ok at this point. I’m in therapy. Time has passed. I cry every day. Every time I feel like maybe I’m getting better, I have a bad day that sets me back.

It’s not quite as bad as it was over the summer where I spent every day wishing I was dead and the only reason I didn’t act on it was because I was afraid Chooch wouldn’t go to college. I admitted that out loud last night for the first time and then wanted to throw up.

But I will say that I still feel like a shell, I feel like a visitor in my own skin, nothing is familiar. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling panicked. When does that stop.

Then today, one of my Buddys was killed on the street in front of our house. Henry picked him up off the street and buried him, and I really love him for that.

Fuck everything lol. I know–it could be so much worse and I should be grateful that it’s not but I can’t get a grip on these feelings, believe me, I’m trying.

1. Sister Hangs!

Henry and I had Monday off and it just so happened that my sister Amy did too! So we met up with her and Dick at Aslin in the Strip after our original choice in Lawrenceville was NOT open contrary to the hours posted on their website (UPDATE YOUR FUCKING WEBSITE/SOCIALS, JACKASSES). Aslin was a better choice, anyway, so eff off Lolev.

I like hanging out with Amy and Dick because Henry actually comes alive and participates in conversations, ESPECIALLY if the topic of THE SERVICE comes up. I tried to make him tell them about how he went AWOL but he shot that down super quick.

Apparently “early discharge” is something different.

“And it was only TWO MONTHS early!” he shouted. “BECAUSE THERE WAS NO CONFLICT.”

Wow, so “kicked out because you’re no longer needed” is better than “AWOL”??

OK, I am still in my beer discovery era and enjoyed everything I had that day, but this pizza stole the show. Squash, beets, creamy cheese, sweet sauce, and pillowy crust? Yeah. The pizza of my doughy dreams.

It’s my IPA season of life. Henry told me for YEARS that I wouldn’t like IPAs, you know why? Because HE didn’t like IPAs. But now that I like IPAs, he suddenly does too? Hmm.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how wonderful and sweet the bartender was – super patient (Henry went up to the bar FOUR TIMES with questions on HOW TO ORDER FROM THE QR CODE, get with the times please) and friendly.

Don’t mind my dopey-ass smile. I swear I wasn’t even drunk yet still somehow resemble a wino that they called over from a trashcan fire.

I would definitely go back here – it had a much better vibe and selection than that Chimera place Janna and I went to. EVEN THOUGH IT IS LIKE A CHAIN APPARENTLY. I am learning about breweries, too.

Also, Amy and Dick recently came back from a 2 week Italy trip with Perillo and now I am dying to go back there.

2. THE SECRET LIFE OF TEENAGED JANNA

NO FURTHER EXPLANATION NEEDED.

(Except that this conversation started because CHOOCH THE BRAIN got a 100 on his Calc exam, no sweat, etc.)

3. SPEAKING OF CHOOCH THE BRAIN

In therapy this week, we talked about the three states of the mind and it became HYPER APPARENT that Chooch and I butt heads all the time, not because our personalities are similar and that we are highly competitive (ok maybe those things too) but because we are on opposite sides of THE MIND SPECTRUM:

SADLY, you all know who is in the center. UGH even I can’t deny that.

I really, really, really hate how accurate this. Also, now when I accuse Chooch of being a sociopath, maybe you will understand why?!

4. K-Drama’d My Face Off

I started watching Family By Choice yesterday before work and the first episode made me cry so uncontrollably that I spent the first hour working through swollen eyes and shuddering breaths. Korea goes HARD when it comes to driving home emotion and trauma. Jesus Christ. Otherwise, this is super light-hearted and cute lol.

The kids who play the younger versions are so goddamn adorable and you know I don’t like kids so this is saying something.

5. Bambi’s Bias <3

Bambi’s bias The 8 released a video for his new single the other day and I have been watching it over and over. First of all, the song is perfection and “Spell” vibes, and secondly, his dancing. Jesus Christ. The 8 is such a captivating performer (even though Janna doesn’t like his hair, or his name).

6. Viridis Redemption Meal

After our lackluster Viridis-catered Thanksgiving, I was still somehow willing to give them a second try when they spammed my feed with pictures of their “chicken” sandwich. I LOVE chicken sandwiches made with mushrooms, therefor, resist I could not.

My phone has been taking shitty shots lately but this sandwich was everything I wanted and more. Pickle-heavy, tangy sauce, mushroom perfection. The only thing I could have done without was the strips of limp lettuce – whatever kind of lettuce that is. I would have preferred just regular lettuce.

The matcha pistachio donut was also delicious but not quite as good as Vegan Doughnuts in Cleveland.

Ugh, now I want to eat this again.

kbye.

Here is an intro to tell you that these are the books I read in November. Thank god for intros else you’d never have figured that out.

1. The Last One at the Wedding by Jason Rekulak

LEGIT OBSESSED WITH THIS BOOK. Maybe it was just because I was in a slump, but this was SO ENTERTAINING with a dad protagonist that was borderline surly and just exhausted and his narrative was hilarious even though this was a thriller. A little humor never hurt a thriller, if you ask me. I was rooting for him so hard and kept picturing him as a younger Bruce Willis trying to save his daughter from marrying into a VERY shady family. And then you throw in his sister and her emergency foster kid – golden dialogue. OMG my nose just started to burn because thinking about this book, especially the ending, has the tears threatening to spill.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book so much. I could barely put it down and stayed up way past my bedtime to finish it. MMMM. MMMM MMMM MMMM.

2. Everyone Who Can Forgive Me Is Dead by Jenny Hollander

Eh. I need to get it through my thick skull that dark academia is not for me, even when the academia portion is just via flashbacks. I also found this very hard to follow.

3. Hampton Heights: One Harrowing Night in the Most Haunted Neighborhood in Milwaukee, Wisconsin by Dan Kois

A cute, short read – kind of like Goosebumps for adults. I had higher hopes for this one especially because it was set in 1987 and I love me some radness. Anyway, this follows a bunch of paperboys as they find out that Hampton Heights is overrun by an array of monsters.

4. We Came to Welcome You by Vincent Tirado

What is it with book covers featuring pies?? They always lure me in and then disappoint me. This was such a bland domestic thriller. I could not force myself to care about the main character, her wife, no one. Your basic “new couple in a gated community” thriller, except there were very few thrills.

5. At Home with the Horrors by Sammy Scott

A short story anthology that I actually LOVED. Every story was between 4 to 5 stars, except for the last one which was actually a novella but – IMO – didn’t need to be. It was the only one that dragged on for me. But the rest? Shoooo—I actually really did get some chills out of these pages. It was like being a kid again and reading Christopher Pike, but for adults. “Scared Mary” was my favorite, an urban legend-ish tale for the current generation: being more and more extreme for the views.

Also, this cover! Coincidentally, I had checked this out of the library at the same time as “The Last One at the Wedding” and was so stoked at the similar covers. And then they both gave me great reading experiences, too! Thank you, lakeside book covers!

6. Sandwich by Catherine Newman

OK Ann Patchett, I’m disappointed in you for blurbing this and getting me to listen to the audiobook. I can’t believe how annoying it was. The MOST annoying family. The only character that wasn’t annoying was the cat. Who has these types of explicit yet casual sex conversations with their children? Granted, the kids were young adults but S T I L L – you know when something sexual makes ME uncomfy, then it’s gotta be weird.

Also, I must not have been paying attention because I just realized after the fact that the book is called Sandwich because it’s set in Sandwich, MA. The whole time, I was like, “They haven’t been eating that many sandwiches though, have they?”

Just so boring and whiny. And I too am boring and whiny –  but not like this, I hope.

7. The House That Horror Built by Christina Henry

I had really high hopes for this – a horror novel about a reclusive horror director? Yeah boi. But it was actually so boring, barely held my interest even after I tried switching to the audio. I think Christina Henry is just very hit or miss with me.

8. I’ll Stop the World by Lauren Thoman

OK I didn’t realize this was a time travel book until after I was already PRETTY INTO IT and that’s a good thing because I likely would have skipped it since we know how I roll (or stall) with time travel. But this was so good. Honestly, just very pure, the characters were so real, the 1980s vibes were vibin’ – I really enjoyed it.  4 stars.

9. Rest Stop – Nat Cassidy

Well this was a sick-fuck of a little book! I knew going into that it was going to be pretty violent and gross but it’s NAT CASSIDY and I am his FAN GWORL so I had to read it. 4 stars, a solid novella and made me feel like I had bugs crawling on me quite a few times.

10. Allow Me to Introduce Myself by Onyi Nwabineli

Five stars. The second book I’ve read from this author and she has me sold on her words, people. This book made me feel guilty about how much of Chooch’s life I have put online, but also grateful that I never actually got popular / become an influencer / etc. Because reading a book from the POV of a character who is fighting with her stepmom to take down posts and images of her as a child, and to see the continued trauma she is going through even as an adult was really upsetting and made me feel like an asshole.

My favorite part of this book though is the found family our main character has with her two best friends, and the sweet and pure relationship she has with her grandparents in Nigeria. I loved the parts of the book where she was there visiting and feeling her happiest and safest.

Nwabineli is an excellent writer. The emotion was there but also SO MUCH REALNESS in the dialogue and dynamics within the friend group.

11. Mr. Higgins Comes Home by Mike Mignola

A fun and spoopy little graphic novel that I read just to kill some time. I loved the illustrations!

That’s all for November.

God, I love this picture of her so much! She has such a teddy bear face. (Chooch says no.)

Penelope has really been out and about a lot more often lately so I feel less lonely but you know, still kind of weird because I have that guilt. Like, is Drew watching? Is she angry wherever she is, knowing that Penelope is sitting on my lap while I’m working or laying on me while I’m trying to sleep on the couch (BECAUSE IT WAS TOO HOT IN THE BEDROOM NOT BECAUSE THERE IS MARITAL DURESS OK? GOD, WAY TO START RUMORS, PEOPLE)?

What a shitty time I have been having these days, but at least I have Penelope to cuddle.

(Yesterday was an especially short-fused and dark mental day for me for some reason – do we even need a reason though – so I panic-bought a ticket to see NCT127 in March but to Henry’s chagrin. BUT! I did only buy myself a ticket so he is free to either sleep his face off in the hotel or buy a nosebleed seat the day-of. Aren’t I so nice? So, I guess we are going back to Chicago again.)

I spent a large portion of my last therapy session jawing off about how whack my childhood holidays were from middle school through high school and then even into my early adult years, and how because of that, I have been extra cautious about making sure holidays were normal for Chooch.

Then at the end of the session, she asked if I had any fun plans that weekend and I said, “Yeah, we’re decorating our Christmas tree, which is a mannequin!”

She was like, “omg.”

It just…feels so normal, though!

Janna and Corey came over to “help” by which I mean they sat with me and watched as Henry did 90% of the Trudying while I forced my favorite Belgian beer on them [GULDEN DRAAK, in case you ever need to get me a gift and don’t know (or care to know) how to navigate the world of Kpop merch].

Also, I made them download the link to my PARTY CAMERA so all of the pictures you see here are the cumulation of all three of our POVs.  I’m hoping to use this for Chingumas too but I know it will probably just be us three using it then too because I can never even get my friends to take pictures at my parties in general, let alone downloading a new camera app to use.

I don’t think these pictures are in order for some reason but who cares. All I know is that this was the nicest, funniest, most “normal” night that I have had possibly all year. No exaggeration. It almost felt like the way things used to be before everything started to fall apart this year. I can honestly say that I felt happy.

I mean look – that is the ugly face of laughter! Chooch had probably said something disparaging about Henry at this moment.

A different angle – probably laughing at the same thing!

I also made Corey and Janna watch the GD/BIGBANG performance at the MAMA Awards. I think it’s safe to say that they were not impressed but I was just happy to be watching it for the 87th time! Even Henry stopped what he was doing and loomed in the entry to the living room, watching from a distance like the plain-clothed Michael Myers that he is.

Ugh I hate this game so much but Chooch in was Game Master mode so we had to oblige him.

We all said “absolutely not” when he pulled out Trivial Pursuit.

My fancy Chouffe glass!

Chooch won, and that’s all that matters, I guess. If it can’t be me, it has to be him.

LOL Henry couldn’t use the party camera because he has an ANDROID.

I am clearly very into this glass – I didn’t even realize I took that many pictures of it.

We had Henry take non-party camera pics of us with Trudy.

What even is this lol.

Corey left around 10, Chooch bailed around 10:30 for a better party, and Janna stayed until 1AM learning 9 of the 13 members of Seventeen lol. It was a really solid night. I’m grasping at the fleeting memories of it, trying to hold on as long as possible before “real life” fully creeps back in. Sigh.