We had a few hours to kill before the NCT127 concert so like true homebodies we went to a nearby beer store and got some IPAs to drink in our hotel room while eating HMart snacks and I walked back and forth forever to get steps after sitting in the car all day.

What extravagant lives we lead.

In all honesty though, I still get pre-concert gut gurgles even at this old and wizened age. You’d think I was the one going on stage.

If Henry is sitting with me, there’s much less anxiety but we typically DON’T sit anywhere near each other at Kpop concerts because I like to get the best seat as possible within reason and it’s just too much $$$ for us to get two tickets together. So, Henry will usually wait until the day-of and get the cheapest seat he can find which always puts him way in the back row of the upper level. He’s fine with that but I always have to get myself pumped up knowing that I’m going to be sitting alone and may need to make small talk with those around me.

This is part of the exorbitant price I pay to see my Kpop faves though. Worth it.

Anyway, we stayed at an Extended Stay near the Allstate Arena and it was OK. The room was outdated but clean. I hated the people in the room next to us who kept banging into the wall but Henry, in my interpretation of his non-action, was like YOU ARE OVERREACTING. OK, cool, whatever. I did feel guilty for a second because what if it was other NCTzens next door, but the thumping was still going strong when we came back that night too so I don’t think they were there for the concert.

Also, the fact that I am sitting here a week later, at 7:56am, typing furiously about a faint and sporadic thumping that bothered me really illustrates how neurotic and unreasonable I am.

Ugh. Moving on, here’s what I wore to NCT127: The Movement!

1. I am so happy that my Neobong has gotten so much use over the years! I know lightsticks can seem like a ridiculous splurge and my collection is growing to an embarrassing size, but it really is such a huge part of the concert culture! Shout out to my king, G-Dragon, for starting the trend.
2. I decided to go Haechan-biased this time. For NCT Dream, I lean toward Renjun, but Haechan is my overall bias across the whole NCT universe. I was so stoked to see him again that night! Twice in 2024 with Dream, and now this year with 127? Fuck yeah.
3. Also, this was the 4th NCT concert I got to wear my DIY NCT shoes to! And THE FIRST TIME someone complimented them, thank you for noticing, person in line to get into the arena!
4. Henry is getting better at taking pictures of me ever since I sent him a tutorial on Instagram where some young photographer was like, “Watch me teach my dad how to take photos of me.” I sent it to Henry and now he remembers to take the appropriate steps so that I don’t look like a mongoloid.
5. I wore my homemade Haechan pendant which is super outdated (look at baby Haechan!!) but I love it still. The other NCT necklace was made by my friend Danielle from The Idol Collective and it is the perfect neo-accessory.
6. The shirt features Haechan from the “Favorite” comeback special “The Vampire House” and this one of my favorite comeback cycles.

I’m sure I have posted so many versions of this in the past but this is one of my top NCT songs ever and it reminds me of fall 2021 which was a really nice time in my life as opposed to now which feels like life is flipped on its head but that’s ok, we’ll get through it one Kpop concert at a time, haha.

When we went to Chicago (specifically the Rosemont area, which is near the airport, F-Y-to-the-I) for the NCT Dream concert in 2023, we ate an early dinner at this vegan Korean place called Amitabul and when I say I still dream of this place…from the peaceful “om”s wafting down from the speakers, to the amicable Korean owner, and most importantly THE FRESH VEGGIE-LADEN FOOD. I was excited to stop by again before the NCT127 concert on Friday.

Dude, there are so many things to choose from, but I really don’t think you can go wrong. I got this delectable noodle dish and joined the Clean Plate Club – maybe a bit too fast, though. We both inhaled our food and ended up so stuffed, but not in a sickeningly way because this food is so healthy!

The only downside to this place is that since there is no music playing – just the “om”ing, and it was between lunch and dinner so aside from lone diner in the back and several people come in for take-out, it is QUIET.

Which means only one thing…

Henry’s mastication is amplified.

I tried to get a video to send to Chooch, who was born with the same aural affliction as me (actually, his was dormant until he learned about this on an episode of How I Met Your Mother and now he’s even worse than me about it) but Henry refused to chew until I put my phone down.

Jesus Christ, though – when he went back to eating it sounded like he was cutting down a forest with his molars.

The downside of eating such a filling meal was that we had NO ROOM for samples when we went to HMart afterward :( We did grab some snacks and samgak kimbap for later though.

And some hodu-gwaja! These are little cake-like balls filled with red bean and walnuts and made me so nostalgic for Korea. I mean, I always am anyway, but I was transported back as soon as I opened the bag. They were good but not as good as the ones I bought from a stand in the subway station by our hotel last year. Ugh and I got to order them in Korean too! I feel dumb doing that in America.

The next morning, we got up way early for some reason and went to Lost Larson before making our way home. Lost Larson is a Swedish-inspired cafe that has been on my list since our coaster vacation and played an integral part in why our August trip to Chicago for ATEEZ was so terrible because we didn’t get in to town in enough time to make it there and then drove out of the way to my back-up cafe where I had a legit emotional breakdown afterward and actually considered going to a hospital but then was worried about the bill.

All of that to say, we made it there this time! It was….cold and underwhelming. The vibe was not vibing. The coffee (I had it black) was mid. The pastries did not make me feel like I was back in Sweden and, for being pre-8AM, tasted day old.

Not impressed even a little bit. I know this is an entirely different country (but the pastries in all of Scandinavia and Finland just really hit), but the pastry we got FROM A GAS STATION IN NORWAY was a billion times better than whatever stale shit they plated for us – with absolute ambivalence, might I add – at Lost Larson.

Hate to be this person twice in one blog post (“I was in <x country> and it was better there” – you know that person lol) but I feel like even if I had no basis of comparison, I would have left this place feeling completely unsatisfied.

Which we both were.

My search for comparable Swedish pastries continues.

Luckily, our last memory of this trip to Chicago was a good one because DARK MATTER was a few blocks away!

Yooooo. You guys. I first had Dark Matter coffee in 2014 at Riot Fest. They had a booth set up there and I am ALWAYS CRAVING COFFEE but whoever goes to a concert or music festival where coffee is actually available?! Man, I loved it from the very first sip. The next year, they were set up again and I told them, like an eager puppy, that I’m from Pgh and that their coffee was one of my favorite things about Riot Fest, so they gave me a free t-shirt!

Honestly, great coffee and great people. You can’t beat that.

Hi, I’m channeling my dad again. God, I am such an old dad!!

Anyway, would you believe that of all the times we have gone to Chicago, this was our first time actually going to one of their storefronts?! I have even ordered bags from them online but have never set foot in a brick-and-mortar location. Well, that all has been rectified because not only did I get a bussin’ cup of coffee to go, but I also stocked up on some bags for home and got a can of their super potent cold coffee. Henry a/k/a Mr. Dunkin’ got nothing because he was a’scared. Poor little coffee poser.

As expected, the people working there were super chill and didn’t make me feel like I was wasting their time which, I’m sorry, you know that happens at some cafes!

My coffee was actually free since I bought two bags so that made me even happier. And then when I got back to the car and took my first sip, I basically screamed in caffeinated ecstasy, “IT TASTES LIKE RIOT FEST!”

I can’t explain it, but it brought back the stench of the muddy field, the joy-inducing blue sky, and the perfectly cozy chill in the air, and the clashing cacophony of multiple bands playing simultaneously on various stages. Ugh, Riot Fest used to be such a good time.

After that, we made our way out of town and started our drive home. Henry stopped at the very first rest area and got himself a big ol’ cup of sugary cold brew at Dunkin’ and was so smug about it too.

Last weekend this weekend! This might not even need its own post in hindsight because last weekend (the first of March, right?? I could have looked at a calendar in the amount of time it took me to type this sentence, oh well) wasn’t really that exciting, but I opened WordPress and now I’m committed.

If memory serves, Henry spent most of Saturday working on the NCT127 pins for the concert we went to on Friday – he was on a roll after making the Taemin ones so I took advantage of his craftiness and put some NCT faces on his plate. He is such a good Kpop Dad!

I let him take a break in the afternoon and we went to Mango Mango for some Hong Kong-inspired desserts. It was SO FUCKING COLD that day and I was not dressed for it. I for some reason didn’t anticipate that we’d have to walk to the place because to be frank, I actually had no idea where this place was, but Henry knew so he preemptively parked on another street knowing that it would be tough to find something closer, and I was such a little baby on the walk  there. I was cold and not dressed for it!!

But that didn’t stop me from getting a cold dessert, lol. I got the mango pomelo sago bowl with mango ice cream – it was perfect: refreshing and not overly sweet!

Henry’s had red bean and lychee jelly and was also really good. I want to go back and get one of the hot desserts which look porridge-y and similar to what I had at the tea house in Gyeongju, maybe?!?

Then we went to our fave Asian market in the Strip for some produce and I was on the hunt for more Korean candy to include with the NCT freebies. There were a lot of white people doing the whole “grocery tourism” bit and look, I know I too am a white person, but it was annoying and I didn’t the people working there to lump me in with those rubber-neckers.

I am also notorious for my gatekeeping, which Chooch loves to point out. :)

Came home, ate dinner, watched G-Dragon reaction videos, and this is where I want to give Henry a shout out because he truly gets it. It is so much fun to have something to obsess over together – yes, he actually is excited that G-Dragon is back; yes, he actually truly likes G-Dragon; yes, he actually looks forward to the new content that G-Dragon has been gifting to VIPs. And no, he doesn’t say anything judgey when I pay for GD fan club membership, panic over getting tickets for the upcoming world tour, or openly weep about how much I love him. Henry apparently had even quietly looked into going to Korea for one of the concerts there, but they sold out within minutes. And they’re also less than a month away, so that would logistically be a headache with requesting time off, etc.

Henry has even said that G-Dragon’s 2017 concert was one of the best ones he’s ever been to, and THE best one in the Kpop category. And he’s watched G-Dragon’s 2024 MAMA comeback performance video like 88 times since it came out.

THE POWER OF G-DRAGON.

Penelope, exhausting from us fangirling over G-Dragon and BIGBANG all weekend!

On Sunday, I met Janna for lunch at the new Blue Flame. You might remember that the original Blue Flame closed last year right around the time we went to Korea to get married, and I found out when my brother sent me an alarming and cryptic text which was totally uncalled for!

It has new owners now and was rebranded as the Steel 51 Grill or something generic. They didn’t really change a thing inside  – it still has that old Blue Flame stench when you walk in and the one section off to the side was still closed off as usual. So weird. The menu wasn’t much different except that now inexplicably have shrimp tempura as an appetizer and avocado toast for the millennials, I guess. I got the avo toast, lol.

Negatives: it felt very much like being in enemy territory IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Lots of men that looked like they stopped there on their way home from hunting, some old men who looked like they have certainly said the words, “women belong in the kitchen” more than once in their lives and definitely hate they/them pronouns, and some brassy-haired moms who looked like they have pictures of Majorie Taylor Greene as the background on their phones.

You know, if you know what I mean.

So, we had very hushed conversations about the crumbing state of the country. I mean, all I truly wanted to do was talk about G-Dragon but I understand that not everyone gives a shit about these things, so bashing President Musk and his puppet Trump it was!

Positives: I really liked our server. She was very friendly and just gave good vibes. She also complimented my Seventeen credit card, LOL. My avo toast was really good and the fruit cup it came with was full of fruit that was actually edible! They also have a full coffee bar now which was cool. I got a cinnamon latte and it was good!

Then I was trying to total my bill but couldn’t remember what 5+7 was so I had to ask Janna for assistance lol.

Then Henry and I went for a quick walk in some really small and uninteresting cemetery in the North Hills before hitting up another Asian market out that way because I struck out on the candy tip at the one on Saturday.

Then then then.

We came home. Ate dinner. Watched more G-Dragon stuff. Sometimes that’s all I really need for a weekend to be good – G-Dragon back in my life!

On our way back to Chicago for another concert! NCT127 this time and I am so excited – their last time in the US was 2022 and even though they’re down 2 members due to military enlistment and 1 due to being a garbage human, I gotta go and support the rest of them.

1. Corey Haim 2.0

G-Dragon’s return has made me feel alive again. The pure joy and excitement I have felt this past week after his new album dropped is reminding me of…well, what it used to feel like to be me before 2024 came and terrorized my soul. But with this has also come the ADMITTEDLY DELULU dream of GD being my soulmate (lol I can’t even type this without cracking up at how much of an asshole I am). Since Henry is my best friend, I told him that I have two fantasy scenarios in which I meet GD and he falls in love with me:

• 1. We meet TOTALLY BY RANDOM at the Warhol Museum where I pretend to not know him and we instantly imprint on each other probably in the cloud balloon room if that’s even still there after making eye contact in a balloon’s reflection and then we both smile at each other and for some reason he really likes my Sloth face. Then he comes to my house because he’s hiding from sasaeng fans and I have to run around hiding all of my kpop stuff when he’s not looking and then everything is going fine until he sees the pictures of Korea on the wall (I do tell him that I’ve been to Korea but not bc of Kpop) and he’s really impressed and happy that I admire his country’s culture but then he’s like “why do you have a picture with my dad.“

• 2. Pretend that I do know him but I’m very respectful and address him as Jiyong-ssi and speak to him in my jilted Korean and even though I’m a fan he can tell I’m NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS and we imprint on each other and then Dispatch announces on January 1 of the next year that G-Dragon has been secretly dating AN AMERICAN WHITE GIRL who is also kind of fat but love is blind to quote a classic GD track. Then we get married and Taeyang performs at our reception. I guess somewhere along the way I divorce Henry (I think we actually have to go back to Korea if we ever need to get divorced haha).

I mean to be fair this COULD happen because I have been sporadically commenting “Come to Pittsburgh – we have the Warhol Museum” on his IG posts since 2017.

(In case you didn’t know, GD is a big art enthusiast. Duh.)

I was just telling Henry that I haven’t felt this crazy maniacal desperate obsessed with a celeb since I was a kid and only had eyes and room in my head for thoughts about Corey Haim. I had it BAD and that is what this is. This is Corey Haim Syndrome, Adult Years.

And then:

“Wow, GD likes so many posts he’s tagged in on IG. Maybe that’s how I can bait him. What should I post a picture of though?

“You at the Warhol,” Henry mumbled.

2. Priestley Pillow

Piggybacking off the Corey Haim reference, when 90210 first came out I obviously was all about it. I mean, I was in middle school, come on. My dad INSISTED that I “had the hots” for Jason Priestley?! This boiled my blood because hello, Luke Perry?!

One day, of my idiot parents came home with a fucking heart-shaped pillow with Jason Priestley’s face on it and they would take turns whaling it at me.

It was so annoying to me BECAUSE I LOVED LUKE PERRY so I eventually gave the pillow to our German shepherd Rama who did his thang with that effer.

3. PARKING DRAMA REVISITED

There’s always some element of parking drama going on in my neighborhood but last year, the Catholic church across the street brought us all together by becoming our common enemy when they pounded a sign into the ground like a crucifix warning that NO OVERNIGHT PARKING WAS ALLOWED AND ALL VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED.

I thought I had bitched about that on here when it happened last winter but I guess not – all you need to know is that it threw a lot of in a tailspin because we live in duplexes with garages that are old and narrow so no one actually parks in them, and street parking is not recommended on our block because our street is basically a speedway and accidents happen A LOT.

So we had to work with our neighbors to basically Tetris our cars into one shared driveway. It was fine in the end but annoying.

Eventually, everyone started ignoring the sign and parking over there again with no consequences lol. What are they doing to do, sic God on us.

Anyway!!!! Last Friday I went out for my morning walk and noticed all the cars (mind you, there are only a handful of people who park over there and also the employees from the behavioral health house on our block and the lot is HUGE) had bright orange notices on the windshields. I threw ours out but it said something about NEW MANAGEMENT and NO PARKING WITHOUT A PERMIT IS ALLOWED.

Ok so now no parking AT ALL?! I will tell you right now that I do not like pulling our car down the driveway and parking next to the house because I’m so afraid I’m going to scrape it. One of my many issues.

HNC’s wife was like I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS because we all decided that if there was an option to just pay for a permit, that would be preferable. I mean not that I want to be giving money to CHURCH but I’d rather that than have my car sideswiped if I park on the street. Plus, it alleviates the future feuds that are bound to materialize with the neighbors while trying to share space.

Guess what the church said?? THAT THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

Turns out, it was the SMALLER EPISCOPAL CHURCH NEXT DOOR!! And it’s not their lot, it’s the Catholics’!!! They lease part of it to them I guess?! So the Catholic Church was like we don’t care if you park there, we’ll get the bottom of it. So now we created a religious turf war! This is so exciting. I wonder if they will stand in the parking lot and shout holy spells at each other.

Fucking Episcopalians. Also you can see the ignored “no parking” sign in the bottom left lol.

Hopefully when G-Dragon takes me back to Korea with him, I’ll never have to worry about these dumb things again.

4. When Henry Found Out Our Car’s Name

We were just talking about how we have to come back out this way again next month because I bought us tickets to see Onew (from SHINee) in Detroit.

“Do you even like Onew?” I asked Henry because I don’t think I ever actually asked him this before??!!

“I guess I do now,” he mumbled and I didn’t like his lack of enthusiasm.

“Well, I like him a lot!” I huffed. “I mean, our car is even named after him.”

“….it is?” Henry asked in a mumble deep fried in confusion.

“Um hello? Yes? I named the car Jinki the day we bought it?!” (Jinki is Onew’s real Korean name.)

So then I had to look up the blog post where the nomenclature was so declared along with a picture of an Onew poca with the car in the background. God!!!

Anyway, a little while later I put on an Onew song and Henry knew it was him so there’s that at least.

________________________________________

INTERLUDE: we’re discussing the upcoming G-Dragon tour and how it’s going to be scary trying to get tickets etc and for some reason Henry used the word “minuscule.”

“WOW, that’s a big word for you. Did you just learn it from one of your lame podcasts?” I instigated.

“I learned the word ‘cunt’ a long time ago and I’m fixin’ to use it,” Henry muttered. LOL WOW SLOW DOWN BUD.

________________________________________

5. ROADTRIP OREO SUCCESS

Our group chat at work yesterday was named after National Oreos Day and someone shared a picture of some new limited edition Post Malone flavor which sparked debate over classic v. Seasonal flavs. Now, I’m no Posty fan by any stretch of the imagination but when I saw that these are salted caramel & shortbread, I decided I could forget the Post Malone part.

My review that I sent to Nate to pass on to group chat:

I’m glad we didn’t have to buy a full pack. They’re not TERRIBLE but the salted caramel creme is an overwhelmingly powerful flavor and the smell of it was almost off-putting when I opened the package. One cookie is OG chocolate, the other side is shortbread. Worth trying once, will never buy again.

So, that’s that!

Also while we were at the rest stop, we were in line at Dunkin and two moms and their daughters got in line behind us and were practically hanging off my back they were so close AND LOUD. I even sidestepped around Henry to get away from them while saying “Jesus Christ those people are so close” – turns out they were DANCE MOMS with their teenaged DANCERS. Figures. I was like “Can you please not??!!” as they jostled me around in an effort to touch and manhandle every bejeweled coffee tumbler on display next to us.

Ok that concludes this edition of Friday Five.

We had a regrouping today for last month’s process mapping session at work and this time the theme was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We all got bandannas and had to choose a ninja name – it was ridiculous but totally cute and right up my alley because I’m a child who is also super serious about her job. When these things marry, count me in!

Also, everyone was given a sheet from a TMNT coloring book to work on when our brains needed a rest and you know I was on board with that.

I want to send this to Chooch in a role reversal type deal, like now it’s his turn to hang MY elementary school art on HIS fridge, right?

Anyway, that is all I got. I woke up at 6am because there was a G-Dragon fan club exclusive beanie I wanted to buy but I DID THE TIME MATH INCORRECTLY and it was actually on sale at 4am so ofc it was sold out by the time I arose at 6. F M L.

All of this is to say between an early wake up call and a full day of a meeting where I also had to present at one point (it’s fine – therapy has really helped me with my confidence and I am conquering my inferiority complex!), I am so fucking drained. It’s only 8:30pm but I might be going to bed super early tonight. Sheesh.

The moment the lights went out in the Chicago Theater, I knew I was cooked. Done for. Stick a fork in me, sir.

(Blog Post Interlude: Henry, being the respectful Kpop Dad that he is, was standing at first and then realized that the girl behind him was v. smol, so he apologized and remained seated for the whole concert. Sure, call him courteous, praise his nunchi, but I believe this was his excuse to sit and drink his beer while admiring Taemin’s abs in comfort.)

Taemin opened with Deja Vu and my heart was palpitating at dangerous levels. Taemin.

LEE TAEMIN.

!!!!

UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS ME!

This is from the Bangkok stop because I couldn’t find any good quality videos from Chicago, but this is a classic example of going from “liking a song” to “FUCKING OBSESSING OVER A SONG” after seeing it performed live. It expanded its real estate in my heart.

I have been struggling with how to effectively encapsulate the swirling feelings of this night into a blog post, but if you have ever seen one of your God Tier artists, you know how it is. It’s impossible. You just have to know that I was hyper-aware of the riotous thumping of my heart the whole entire night. The mask may have been stifling my maniacal screaming, but I was IN DEEP. I could not take my eyes off of him (except for when the broad in front of me would start to lean out of the aisle, forcing me to have to move into the aisle too – she was pissing me off so much because she HAD SO MUCH ROOM between her and the girl to her right and if she would have just fucking stood within the area of her actual seat, I would have had the perfect view that I paid for BUT WHATEVER. That was the only less than perfect part of the whole night.)

I just want to post ever live video from the concert that I can find but that would be ridiculous so I will just keep watching those on my own time and tell you that this one of the best nights of my life. Taemin is art in motion. I know he is not a machine but D A N G, I wish he would have performed for another 2 hours. It felt so short.

Set 1:

• • Intro video
• Deja Vu
• Guilty
• Advice
  • Ment 1
• Goodbye
• IDEA
• Heaven

Set 2: Ballads

• • VCR (Henry went and bought my shirt during this!)
• I’m Crying
• Clockwork (!!!!!!!!!! I never thought I would hear this live!!!!)
• Not Over You
  • Ment 2 (with snippets of a cappella fan-requested songs, including LOVE!!!!, Flame of Love, Pretty Boy – he gave Kai a shout out here, welcoming him back from the military!)
• The Unknown Sea
• Blue

Set 3:

• • VCR
  • Dance break with dancer intros (I thought this was so cool of him to give them props!)
• G.O.A.T.
• The Rizzness (!!!)
• Sexy In the Air
  • Ment 4
• Move (!!!!! LEGENDARY)
• Want
• Criminal (I died)
• Horizon

Fan-led Singalong organized by ChiWols – The Unknown Sea

ENCORE:

• Danger
• Crush
  • Ment 5
• Hypnosis
  • Ment 6
• Say Less

I started crying as I typed that last song, haha.

These pictures are trash because they’re basically just screenshots from my videos but I don’t care.

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

I go to concerts fairly often but this was the first time in quite some time when I actually had friends texting me the next day, and messaging me when I got back to work, asking me how it was because they knew what a major deal this was for me, and that made it even more special.

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OH LORD HELP ME.

I was texting Chooch like a maniac during the VCRs and when we got back to the hotel.

“Yeah, but did he even glance* at you?” he asked because he is such a little bastard lol.

*(I tried so hard to get VIP for the opportunity to “make eye contact” with Taemin, literally that was how one of the perks was described, and Chooch thought it was the funniest thing ever that 1. I was willing to pay $250 for this perk and that 2. VIP packages sold out in seconds.)

Songs I would have given up my blood to hear live:

• Love (he did sing a verse!)
• Rise
• Nemo
• Press Your Number
• Artistic Groove

But honestly, he could have sung nursery rhymes to us all night and I would have been happy.

And then the lights came on. I did not want to leave. :(

All I remember after this was walking back to the hotel in a daze, then being body-slammed by adrenaline and unable to fall asleep. I just lay there in bed, watching the video snippets I took on my phone, “Friends” playing on the hotel TV as is hotel tradition for us, feeling this insane mix of euphoria and a deep aching, which of course would grow legs by the next day and turn into full-fledged post-show depression.

On the drive home (which was actually pleasant, no fighting!) I just kept whispering, “I can’t believe we saw Taemin. He is so perfect. DID YOU SEE HOW PERFECT HE IS??”

My favorite part about him is his divine duality – when he is performing, he is this dark, sultry angel telling a story with every move he makes. right down to the intentional flexing of his fingers. No move is wasted, even the slightest twitch of his elbow matters. But then the music stops and he is LEE TAEMIN-AH, exuding precious innocence, being a dork, mocking us and himself – I can’t stand him, lol!

Ugh, it was so good. Taemin is a living legend and if you don’t know him by now, why?!

Our hotel (StayPineapple!) was a block away from The Chicago Theater and I kept looking out the window to see if people were lining up yet. There was a scary moment around 5PM when a bunch of firetrucks rolled up with their sirens on and parked directly across from the theater. I was like, “I SWEAR TO GOD, IF TAEMIN IS IN A BURNING BUILDING…..” but then they went into the building across from the theater. I don’t know what was happening but there didn’t appear to be a fire anywhere and hopefully it was nothing serious.

Yo, I was sooo paranoid and superstitious about this concert. Like, Lord just let me see Taemin tonight, Amen.

We left the hotel around 6 – doors were supposed to open at 6:30 and I wanted to have some time to pass out my freebies to my fellow Taemates. Dude, that took all of 10 minutes. My pins were gobbled up so quickly! It was fun getting to have some interactions with people in line and trading freebies with other people who also brought stuff – I got some fun bracelets :) And Henry, my placeholder in line, was also accumulating some swag for me too, what a dork lol.

I just want to say that this theater’s staff and security were so efficient with getting us inside quickly and safely. They had a side entrance opened as well so we were herded into that line, which then split into more lines for the security check points. Isn’t it sad that this is the world we live in, where we have to be searched before entering a theater? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, especially after seeing Ollie Wride at the Crafthouse where we walked right in and I can’t remember the last time I went to a concert where we could just “walk right in.”

Anyway though, it’s usually pretty quick with kpop concerts because these people know what not to have on their person but of course we managed to pick the ONE LINE that had the slug-slow security agent sifting through every item in every bag. Meanwhile, I WAS SO SICK TO MY STOMACH WITH PRE-TAEMIN JITTERS. I was so ready to see him / no, I’m not ready / OMG I can’t wait to see him / no, this isn’t real, I’m going to puke.

And so on and so forth, the internal angst went.

Once we were inside, it was mayhem. First order of business was merch procuring. This theater was not made for Kpop, lol. The merch line wrapped all the way down the first floor and up the steps to the balcony level, so Henry said he’d take one of the team and go back out to snag me a shirt during one of the VCRs — that’s the part of the concert where the artist/group leaves the stage to do a wardrobe change and pre-recorded videos play. To this day, the ones at the Winner concert in 2019 were the best because they were hilarious skits.

Our seats were OK. I can’t complain because I was able to get in as soon as they went on sale, managed to buy two before it sold out / went to premium prices. I want to say it was around $150 a seat, and almost immediately after that, all of the seats around our that were still available were triple that price. Fucking Ticketmaster. This whole tour was such a ticketing cluster. So many people missed out because they couldn’t afford the resale prices which of course dropped significantly days before the show (for the LA one at least, so I hear) but when so many people have to travel for Kpop concerts, it was gut-wrenching to see the disappointment in fans who just couldn’t viably drop everything and make that trip with less than a week’s notice.

I really fucking hate you, Ticketmaster.

Henry immediately left his seat to go to the bathroom and told me later that when he went to get my shirt, he wanted to use the bathroom again but the staff apparently realized that there were way more women there than men so they closed the mens rooms on the first floor and Henry had to go all the way upstairs to find an open one, lol. Anyway, he came back with this beer and it was pretty good! I was excited to post it on Untappd, haha.

He also got POPCORN for some idiotic reason (YOU DON’T EAT POPCORN AT A TAEMIN CONCERT HENRY) and this is him masticating his moustache into a twist while I attempted to take our picture. Ugh. Also, I wore a mask through the whole concert because I was on the tail end of a nearly two week illness and didn’t want to infect any fellow Taemin fans. I was also concerned for Taemin’s health too because I kept hearing about how many different flus and viruses were going around at the time, how it was the worst flu season we’ve had in decades, and all I kept thinking about was how now Taemin was here in the land of anti-vaxxers and mask-haters, and he was doing some VIP group pictures with fans. I really hope he was able to stay healthy and uninfected while he was here in fucking Dumberica.

This theater was so beautiful! And matched Taemin’s majestic aura.

The fans were a wide range of ages and ethnicities, and I will say that there were more men there than I have seen at most Kpop concerts. (Most of them were there with female counterparts but most of them seemed to also be fans, like Henry!)

Since doors opened earlier than 6:30, we ended up having to sit there for an hour waiting, and I will tell you that it was fucking FREEZING in that theater. Plus, I was wearing a thin blouse that billowed and fanned me every time someone walked by. And my legs wouldn’t stop shaking because of N E R V E S so Henry kept putting his hand on my knee to make me stop but I was sincerely about to catapult myself right out of my seat and through the ceiling, into the midwestern sky. It was really like that, I’m not exaggerating. The anticipation, the constant checking my phone for the time, trying to distract myself by texting Chooch who of course was just like “mm cool,” being annoyed by Captain Popcorn. It was all too much.

But then, finally, 7:30PM came and the lights went out…

Every week I’m like yeah boi, Friday Five, let’s get it. And then I quickly realize that I do not have five things to talk about. I am going to realllly try hard today though because Henry just left to go to Joann since they’re all closing and he’s trying to stock up on his crafty girl supplies.

1. Onew (!!!) announced a US tour for this spring and I am so stoked about it because you know how much I love SHINee but also, Onew’s solo work is to die for. You know I must really love him because I named our car Jinki which is his non-stage name! Anyway, tickets go on sale next Friday but we’ll be en route to Chicago then and I really don’t want to eff around with Ticketmaster on my phone in the car. Then! I saw that there is a Citi presale on Thursday so I signed up for a Citi credit card just for this. The way Kpop has a death grip on my life, yo. Anyway, wish me luck. We’re hoping to get tickets for the Detroit show at the Filmore!
2. I found out yesterday that DIANE WARREN – songwriting legend – wrote “Drama” with G-Dragon and I am speechless. It made me fall down the Diane Warren rabbit hole last night though because I knew some of her song-writing credits but there were a ton of songs on her “top 10 charting” songs that I loved and had no idea she wrote. “SHE WROTE LOVE WILL LEAD YOU BACK!!!” I screamed to Henry last night, who responded with a group of question marks Double Dutching above his head. “UM, TAYLOR DAYNE??” I scoffed, and then immediately put on the video. “There’s only one Taylor I listen to and that is DAYNE,” I said smugly and considered posting that on Threads but was too tired to deal with Swifties coming for me. Then I just got really pissed because how did she peak so long ago and not go on to be one of the leading Divas of our time!? Also, when I dated Jeff, he mentioned several times that he thought I looked like her (??? I don’t but OK???). And also, a lion. Which, OK. I can see that because I do get angry quite often.

2.5. I am still obviously really riding this G-Dragon wave hard. I can’t tell you how good it feels to wake up every day with G-Dragon in my feed, making TV appearances, smiling, radiating charisma, BEING A FUCKING KING. Ugh, I am still just as obsessed as I was in 2016.

3. OK this is probably somewhat dark but I found the below picture the other night and started laughing (it’s not funny at all actually but also it really kind of is) because I am fairly certain this was from my dad’s birthday in May 1995, after he and I had one of our signature knockdown drag-out fights and he slammed me into the ground in the backyard and then later, my mom was like, “Carry your dad’s birthday cake to Pappap’s house.” UM OK? Are you stupid? Why would you ask me to do that?? Anyway, we had a path that went from our backyard, through the woods (literally) to my Pappap’s backyard so that we wouldn’t have to cut through our neighbors’ backyard to get there. While walking on that path with my brothers, barely holding the cake box, I go – and I remember this V I V I D L Y – “Ooops” as I accidentally-on-purpose dropped the cake onto the ground. LOL Classic Erin, as they’d say! Anyway, I BELIEVE this picture is THAT DAY after everyone sat around to eat the smashed cake and TO BE FAIR only one side of it got ruined as I recall. I showed Henry and got to retell the story that I know I have told him before but he’s almost 60 and doesn’t remember anything. I was cracking up and he just frowned. Also, what was I thinking with that hair color?!!

(WAIT DID I LOOK TAYLOR DAYNE ADJACENT IN THE MID-90s??? I guess I’d have to see a picture of her after she intentionally spite-drops her dad’s birthday cake.)

4. Peenlop Time!!

5. I bought myself this jacket from Unlogical Poem as a Valentine gift to myself (and then I spammed Henry with a link of something else I wanted from Lala which was very annoying to him but he got the hint) and I love it! I wore it to the Abbey last week for our ladies lunch and the early 20s hostess LOVED IT and I was like YEAH YOU DO.

 But these are things I have been allowing myself to do lately – splurge a bit on clothes. When we were coming home from Chicago last week, I was wearing this fuzzy coat I have from Delia*s that has flowers on it and kind of looks vintage? We were at a really crappy Speedway outside of Toledo (I felt like JACK GRIFFIN from AP Bio) and some lady called out, “I LOVE YOUR COAT!” as I was getting back into the car. I KNOW THAT’S RIGHT. I had to immediately text Chooc to tell him this because you all know how much he loves it when strangers love things about me:

Some lady outside of TOLEDO told me she liked my coat today. // In a Speedway parking lot. // You would have been mad. // Maybe someday you’ll have a daughter. // And when I die she’ll be like ‘I want all grandma’s coats and purses.” // And then they’ll all be in your house again.

I know this is an unexpected response, but Chooch said, “Wow” to all of that and then “no” to the last part.

Here’s the aforementioned Delia*s coat from last March!

Welp! That was 5, I did it. I squeezed it out. Let’s end with my new favorite G-Dragon song??

I can’t do anything now that G-Dragon is back. Every time I sit down to update this thing, I am just like, “No….must watch G-Dragon’s new videos again. Must watch other people watching his videos. Must hound Chooch to watch his videos. Must throw my head back dramatically while hyperventilating thinking about the upcoming tour.”

I would throw myself down on the line for this man. I have no problems saying it.

Crying again. I missed his voice so much. I feel this song in every cell of my body.

I will sit in the very last row if I have to, Lord just help me get a ticket to see him.

Sorry, I am all-consumed. Cannot focus on anything else.

I have been driving my friends at work nuts with this too. They even changed the name of our group chat to this the other day and I love it:

All I want to do is talk about this album!!! Thank god Henry is into it because I have no one else, lol.

NEVER FORGET, ONE OF THE BEST BIRTHDAYS OF MY LIFE (only thing that topped this was when I got to spend my birthday in Korea!):

Act III:Motte, Part 2: Where I Left My Body On Earth & Wafted Up to the Heavens

Remember when he was mere feet away from me, Jesus Christ, how did I ever get that lucky.

Back at the start of the pandemic, I had somehow come across retrowave playlists on YouTube. Actually, I’m pretty sure the algorithm did its thang and my obsessive listening to the Black Queen organically planted me in the lap of this beautiful synth movement. I tend to not listen to Kpop while I’m working because it distracts me (I will start to try and translate what I’m hearing and then I need to stop what I’m doing to check if I’m correct, or I want to get up and jump around, or I will start daydreaming about Korea, etc etc etc) but there is something magical about retrowave because it’s soothing, nostalgic and it puts me in the right zone for working.

HOWEVER.

I accidentally began to associate this with Drew. I guess it’s natural since she was always with me while I was working, and I’d say things to her like, “OMG IT’S OUR JAM!” and try to make her dance lol.

Some of this stuff hits on a very emotional level to begin with – it itches the nostalgic side of my brain, you know? But, after she died, all of it became like that to me and I have not been able to listen to any of it since then. Which is sad because this was my happy place during the work week. Now, I’ve been struggling to find something else. Norwegian pop. Russian pop. Afrobeats. Romanian Club Hits.

But nothing hits like retrowave.

Then a few months ago, I saw that Ollie Wride was coming to PITTSBURGH on his US tour. Ollie Wride is one of the PRESTIGE singers in this genre. His voice sounds like he’s soundtracked the 80s high school coming-of-age movie from your dreams. He did a song with FM 84 several years ago and that song is basically at the top of the retrowave leaderboard of my heart. Probably the one I have listened to the most, and the first time that I really stopped and started looking more into these singers and bands. I found a version that was recording for a livestream during COVID and at that moment, I swore that I had to see Ollie Wride live if ever presented with the opportunity:

Please watch this and tell me it doesn’t plant you firmly into a pair of Jellies during the spring of 1987.

When I hear this song now though, I imagine Drew here with me, sitting on my work laptop because she liked the warmth. I am so broken over this, just the most pathetic sad sack.

Anyway, my likeminded retrowave friends Shawn and Jess were down to join us at this show so I felt good about it, like this could be a healthy step in the healing process. It’s either face it head-on or keep sitting here crying alone like a fucking maniac.

Shawn and I were dying because the show was held at the Crafthouse, which is a small venue across the street from a bar we used to be regulars at back in the early 00s, plus we were best concert buds back then too so this was such a fun “reliving our youth” moment.

And so, on Sunday evening, Henry and I arrived at the Crafthouse a bit before doors opened because we wanted to secure a good table. However, due to technical issues, the doors were delayed by about 45 minutes. We stood outside with a handful of other early birds and chatted about retrowave, darkwave and then bands I didn’t care about and then A LOT of stuff about the college where three of the people work and that stuff bored me so I lulled off into a happy place in my head – j/k the place in my head was where I retreat so that I can scream into a psychic pillow and start thinking about all the ways my life is being inconvenienced by things not starting on time. This is…who I am, you guys. I am working on it, and will probably talk about it tomorrow in therapy lol.

I do want to put out these things for remembering though:

• one of the guys mentioned Kraftwerk so I RAISED MY HAND and said, “My doorbell plays a Kraftwerk song.” Henry said later, “Yeah, I knew that was coming.”
• someone mentioned king gizzard and the lizard wizard and Henry and I chuckled to ourselves because Chooch likes that band too.
• I got to give The Black Queen a much-deserved promotion and was actually surprised that these guys hadn’t heard of them and simultaneously shocked that I wasn’t mansplained or talked over. The one guy even showed me his phone later and said, “Is this them? Cool, I’m adding them now – thanks!”

Anyway, we finally got to go inside around 6:20. We were in the third group that went in but there were VIPs who were already inside so all the good tables were taken. Then I was like, “NOPE” when we chose a table and a group with A BABY sat down at the next one. I just didn’t want to sit next to a baby, maybe I’M A MONSTER. So, we switched tables and it was much better.

I was excited to drink IPAs, who am I.

We were the coolest table in the house, except for maybe the one table that had a guy wearing a fitted leather jacket with SYNTH RIDER spelled out in studs on the back. I told Henry to get out the Bedazzler and do that to my pleather jacket.

I dunno what to say about my dumb pose other than I had two beers at this point and that is so many beers for me.

Henry went to the bathroom at one point and when he came back, I said I had to go too and asked him where it was. He told me and then said, “And say hello to your friend Bethany on the way there. She’s leaning against the wall.”

“Bethany??” I asked.

“Yeah, she said to me ‘your Erin’s husband Henry, aren’t you?’ and said she recognized me from Instagram.” That’s Henry’s most favorite thing to hear, btw. “Erin’s Instagram.” “Erin’s blog.” LOL.

Anyway, it was my friend Bethany from Balloon Ride Fantasy! I haven’t seen her since pre-pandemic when we met up for Korean food at Nakwon Garden (she used to live in Korea years ago as an English teacher!). She was there for the second opener, Vacances and came over to sit with us for a bit before Ollie Wride and it was so nice to catch up with her!

Speaking of openers, I’m not used to this because kpop concerts don’t have openers and it’s actually…nice lol. But that night, there were two and the other was Caleb Kopta. It was OK. I made eye contact with him a few times and tried to brag that we imprinted.  Henry was like, “That’s nice.” I did really like Vacances though and would be up to see them again since they’re local!

And then it was time for OLLIE WRIDE. “Sorry, Henry,” I said as I bolted for the floor by the stage. Jess quickly joined me and it was so nice to have a friend at a show with me! (Sorry again, Henry lol.)

I just want to say that Ollie Wride’s live vocals are immaculate. The high notes were done HIT, y’all. Sheesh. And the energy he brought onto that stage with him.

This jacket didn’t stay on long!

These pictures are so awkward because I was snapping them while recording but what can you do?! It was also amazing to be AT THE FRONT OF THE STAGE like in my other lifetime of going to shows. I’m always like, “no it’s fine, I don’t mind being back far” but then the show starts and I’m like SEE YA and I run to the front. It’s the FOMO in me, I’m a true Leo. And also not cool enough to just casually slink against a wall in the back and watch while texting. I can’t pull off that amount of effortlessly cool.

I don’t have the set list but I can tell you that he performed Back To Life and that was the first time during the night when I thought to myself, “Am I going to be OK? I’m OK…right?” I mean, I was screaming along and doing when Henry called my “happy sort of dance thing” because apparently, he was spying on me from the table like a creeper. And I can tell you for certain that I was very happy that night. Henry wasn’t being dumb, we had good beer, I was with two of my amazing friends, saw another friend….talked to strangers, even! If I can only make this a habit, maybe I’d feel less lonely on every other day.

Earlier in the night, I had made an offhanded remark about how I’m not outgoing and Jess stopped me.

“Yes, you are,” she said firmly.

“No, I’m not really,” I said, face scrunched.

“You are definitely outgoing, come on!” she argued. And you know what? I am fucking outgoing. I just let situations and people stifle me and I think it’s because I’m just too tired to fight it. But Jess is right, at my core, I am an extrovert and I am going to work on making that dominant trait again. (I’m also very obnoxious too which goes hand-in-hand with me being an extrovert so toning that down is a bridge I’ll cross when I get to it I guess.)

OK, the last song was, of course, Running In the Night which is when I did fully break. This fucking song.

I would have paid so much more just to hear this one song. But the entire night was so sublime. He performed Victoria too! And his band was incredible to watch, too. This night. Man.

We rejoined Henry at our table afterward. Most of the crowd had cleared out but we stayed and chatted some more, no one in any hurry to leave.

“Hey, there’s Ollie!” Shawn pointed over my shoulder, where Ollie was one table away with a tiny group of people. “He’s signing stuff! Go ask him to sign your record!” he urged. I didn’t even hesitate. I grabbed my record, purchased as soon as we arrived because I do not wait for merch, and waited my turn.

“What’s your name?” Ollie asked me when it was my turn.

“Erin,” I said, and then, “Can I tell you something weird?”

“Sure!” he said as he was signing my record.

“I associate your music with my cat,” I started, to which he said, “Oh, I have animals, too.”

“She died.”

He stopped signing.

“And tonight was really healing for me. Thank you,” I said as I was on the verge of tears all over again.

And he fucking hugged me.

“You got an Ollie Wride hug!” Shawn squealed (lol) when I came back to the table! And apparently, I hadn’t stopped recording after the last song, so there is a 20 minute long video of the ceiling of the Crafthouse with us chatting post-show. Sadly, I was a bit out of range for my phone to pick up my convo with Ollie but you can hear a hushed, “Aw!” from my table when he hugged me.

Unfortunately, you can also hear how fucking annoying I am talking about kpop scandals for 10 minutes straight but whatever – I’ll be keeping that ceiling rafter video for posterity!

I know everyone is so sick of hearing my cry and lament about my dead cat but I am really trying here. Tonight was a big step for me. I feel so emotional but in a good way because not only did I get to spend time with good friends, but I got to catch up with Bethany and also experience the fantastic Ollie Wride as the cherry on top. I’m really glad I didn’t pass this up. When I saw ten tour announcement last summer, I was scared because of what retro wave has become to me, but – safety in numbers. And I needed to rip the Band-Aid off so I can eventually go back to enjoying this amazing genre of music that used to be such a comfort to me.

And then maybe this can happen:

OK BYE I’M CRYING LOL.

I stayed up until midnight for G-Dragon’s new album drop – there are two MVs and I am fucking dead. “Drama” – are you fucking kidding, Jiyong? Chills, goosebumps, feels, etc etc. I am feeling this in MY BLOODSTREAM. “Untitled 2025” for real.

AND THEN THIS BANGER?! Anderson . Paak AND Karina?? Karina who once got to dance with Taemin and now GD? But also Karina who is a brilliant idol in her own right?! I can’t believe this. We have waited so long for Korea’s King to return and it was worth it, he delivered, he has STILL GOT IT. No one does it like G-Dragon.

HOW AM I GOING TO SLEEP NOW!!!????

Hey it’s Sunday. I feel OK. Henry just brought back a chocolate chip cookie and a chocolate cupcake to share from Potomac Station and that has perked me up. Sometimes, the body just really wants sugar, you know?

In other weekend news, I was supposed to have brunch at Lola’s with Mar, Debby, Megan, and Jill yesterday but when I got there the hostess said, to my utter non-shock, that it would be an hour wait. I get why some places don’t take reservations (I guess?) but it’s still annoying. When I walked back out, Marlene had just arrived so she honked and I jumped in her car to tell her the bad news. Then Debby arrived and got in the backseat while we decided on a backup plan – I suggested just going down the street to the Abbey but then we had to get a hold of Jill and Megan and I don’t know why but this was so stupidly hilarious to me. Jill ended up texting me at that exact moment to say she was running late and I was like Oh thank god because I only had her work email!?

Anyway, Mar left her car behind and rode with me down to the Abbey while Debby waited behind for Megan who was en route in an Uber. It’s a good thing that Mar rode with me though because once we walked inside the Abbey she was like, “Hmmm, maybe I haven’t been here before?!” and then the more she kept talking about the place she thought we were going, I said, “Mar, are you thinking of Church Brew Works?” and yes, yes she was. That’s exactly where she would have been headed if she hadn’t come with me, lol.

I was happy to sit inside. The last several times I have been to the Abbey, I’ve been with people who wanted to sit outside and look, the Abbey is an old funeral home – you want to be sitting INSIDE. All the vibes are INDOORS. But, I digress.

It was a nice time. I still feel like a shell of myself when I’m with a group of people and didn’t talk much, and then I felt like when I was talking, I was just being annoying, but that’s a me problem and we’re working on it. I just really didn’t want to talk about work and it always ends up going there.

I’m always so happy and excited to be meeting up with friends but then I focus on the tiniest things and flip them into something negative. And then I have myself convinced that some people don’t like me and I will spend days and nights dwelling on that. It is one of my toxic traits, of which I have many.

Like for instance, when we were ready to order, I asked the server if we could have separate checks and I felt immediately tacky for making the request especially based on the server’s and some others’ reactions and I tried to explain that we were recently out with Pam and her friend Greg and didn’t ask for separate checks until the end and the server literally yelled at us and I have been scarred ever since but no one was listening to me at that point because I never have anything valuable to say so I just shut up, lol. Story of my life.

But this is a thing that no one else probably thought about again after leaving yet here I am, a day later, crying about it on my bitch baby blog. I think one of the reasons that I have been feeling like I can’t be myself is that whenever I *am* myself, I am hyper-aware of how immature/weird/obnoxious I am coming across so I am trying to subconsciously not be like that by walling myself up? How am I middle-aged and still having these idiotic struggles? I really can’t stand myself. When is therapy going to fix me lol.

Then I came home and Henry, the One Man Kpop Street Team Operation, was hard at work on the NCT pins we’re making for the upcoming concert and that made me happy.

<3

Then we went for a walk at Jefferson Memorial where I once again started nagging him about getting our burial plots bought.

Then I had this B I G S A L A D for dinner and it was so good!

We spent the rest of the evening watching Seventeen vlogs and drinking BEER even though I am getting so fat due to my new beer hobby. (I usually only drink the equivalent of 1.5 beers on the weekend nights but I am such a lightweight that it feels like so much more!)

And then I saved one of my old Gmail addresses from being deleted, whew. I might need to use this one day!!

Well, that’s all for me. Nothing exciting has happened today aside from squirrel visits. But we are meeting up with Shawn and Jess tonight at the Crafthouse for a show so I’m really stoked for that because I haven’t seen them since last June!!

I am still collecting my thoughts on the Taemin concert so I can spew them all over this page like pea soup from Regan’s mouth but I wanted to post this picture that Henry took of me pre-concert in our hotel room with the Chicago Theater behind me because I never want to forget how I felt in that moment: the pre-concert jitters but also pure happiness and that has been such a rare feeling for me lately. I mean, look at all the whining I do here weekly – you know!

But sheesh – not only did it feel so good to be out and about after being sick, but I just FELT good too. I wasn’t worried about how I looked. I wasn’t depriving myself of food that day. I had some beer! I was..living. To put it bluntly. Living.

It was so cold that night in Chicago but I felt sincerely warm.

I still can’t believe we saw THEE 이 태민. Grateful for the opportunity and privilege to make the trek to Chicago for this beautiful, special, majestic night under the same roof as the most ethereal dancer and angelic singer I have ever known in my lifetime

My Pappap’s death defined me for YEARS. It happened so abruptly, a few short hours after I had just left his house where he had been sitting on his worn spot of the couch, watching TV and making work calls. Business as usual.

Then BAM – he was gone. Aneurysm. Didn’t even make it to the hospital.

I don’t want to say I’m over it but you know, almost 30 years later and I think it’s safe to say that I can look at photos of him and feel joy rather than grief. Because he was the greatest man I have known and loved. The father I didn’t have. My safe space.

These things are being rehashed in therapy. I didn’t realize how much unprocessed trauma I have in relation to his death. The residual grief that rears its head in odd places and times. Drew’s death over the summer was so similar to his and it opened something inside of me and now I have been grieving them both this whole time, trying to make sense of it. My Pappap’s untimely death was the #1 worst thing that ever happened to me, hands down, no contest. And Drew’s death is a close second. Maybe that will help illustrate why I have been such a shell of myself this last months. The triggers have been so real.

He was the only one in my family who ever showed me true unconditional love. He’s the reason why when I think of my childhood, I feel like I’m bursting with happiness and not dwelling on the bad things that were happening at my own house where I felt like an intruder, like I didn’t belong. I never felt like that at my Pappap’s. Which is why his house is my “happy place” that I think of to calm down when we’re doing EMDR in therapy. Except that after he died, my grandma and Sharon slowly ruined that for me.

If there is one thing I wish, it’s that he and Chooch would have had a chance to know each other. “If you think I was spoiled, I guarantee it would have been next level with Chooch and my Pappap,” I said to Henry, who mono-grunted in response.

He did everything for me, and gave everything to me.

When he died, NO ONE WOULD TALK ABOUT IT. I was dying on the inside. I needed my family more than anything then and everyone just shut down. Nothing was ever the same again and I am not being dramatic. You want to talk about an empire falling. This was exactly that. My family never bounced back. I have like, no relationship with any of them except for my brother Corey. It is so fucking sad.

While today is the anniversary of his death, I’m not sad per se. I mean, I shed a few quiet tears, but I think I am just more….introspective today. Just thinking about everything he taught me, how he was actually my saving grace, my role model, and the type of selfless and giving person that I still aspire to me. I hope that one day, I can be that for someone. (CHOOCH PLEASE GIVE ME GRANDKIDS SOME DAY, I WANT TO HAVE THAT CHANCE.)

This guy was literally the glue that held us together. He gave me such a strong love for travel, too and the desire to do everything possible to give Chooch experiences as he was growing up.

He wasn’t even ashamed of me when I got fat, braces, and fugly-ass bangs!

You know, another thing is that my Pappap was a very wealthy business owner so I had a very comfortable childhood and we all enjoyed a rich lifestyle up until he died, when money was mishandled, the business ran into the ground. But because of how he raised me, I was able to go my own way and live my own life without handouts. Henry and I struggled financially for YEARS but we worked hard, paid off debts, tried (still trying) to be smart(er) with our finances and while we aren’t rich and will likely never be higher than middle class, I appreciate everything that we have earned over the years and I get those values from my Pappap. I bounced back when the only other option was to do nothing and sink. I have been really sitting with these thoughts a lot lately, I guess it’s that season of life, and more than ever do I appreciate everything I learned from my Pappap. I don’t take things for granted, I didn’t stay spoiled (well….lol), and I don’t expect ANYONE to do anything for me. I have strong work ethics and I take pride in my work.

Because of my Pappap. The greatest man I have ever known.

Hey. I started off the new year pretty strong. Let’s recap SHALL WE.

1. Parasol Against the Axe by Helen Oyeyemi

This wasn’t my FAVE Oyeyemi book but it was still brilliant enough to keep her firmly planted at the top of my favorite author list. I don’t know how she writes these things, they are so quirky, smart, brain-bending, full of WTF. This is a weird one because I love her bizarre and insane writing style so much but there was a book-within-the-book going on here and I didn’t like those parts at all. But the present-day narrative was chef’s kiss – unhinged, smart, and thoroughly confusing as always.

There was a line that went like “my skull was full of souffle” and that is exactly how this book (any of her books!) made me feel, like CrossFit for the brain.  You gotta be prepared to put in the work, this book isn’t going to read itself to you.

2. High Fidelity by Nick Hornby

I mean, you know this book, or the movie, or the TV show. It was a solid read.

3. How to Kill Men and Get Away With It by Katy Brent

This was fun, especially if you hate men and believe me, I do. But it also wasn’t very unique or revolutionary. I have read better “female serial killer” books but this one was still a fun and quick read.

4. Howl’s Moving Castle (Howl’s Moving Castle, #1) by Diana Wynne Jones

I mean I must be broken because I only thought this was just OK and there is an entire sector of society out there who probably want to string me up for not having a glowing review.

I tried reading this years ago and was bored. Then this time around, I listened to the audio and was still not entertained. I will say though that I have NOT watched the animated film adaptation but it’s Japanese so already I feel like it’s gotta be better than the book.

5. The Reappearance of Rachel Price by Holly Jackson

Actually kind of wild for a YA mystery. I didn’t LOVE it, but it was like, the fuck is going on this is so far-fetched, what??

6. Love Interest by Clare Gilmore

OK so hear me out. The man character was Korean American so there would be like, Korean words and references thrown about here and there which makes me hope that the author either has a vested interest in Korea or has some relation to Korea so I will give her that but the narrator was BOTCHING it up big time. I was cringing every time she fuck up a Korean word like it was his first run-through, no going back.

Also, she pronounced subsidiary as “SUB-si-dairy” instead of “sub-SID-iary” which got under my skin because in my job, we were talking about subs A LOT and everyone uses the latter pronunciation.

Also x2 this book was just boring and I was not having any feels whatsoever.

7. Shiver: Selected Stories by Junji Ito

HELL YEAH. This has been on my TBR for years and I finally picked it up from the library. I loved almost every story, they were so creepy and affective, but “greased” seriously almost made me throw up it was so disgusting. I loved it.

8. Graveyard Shift by M.L. Rio

No. This was just bad. Worse than mid.

9. The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley

OK I enjoyed this way more than I thought I would being sci-fi adjacent I guess and while it remains true that as with most books in that genre, I oftentimes had NO IDEA what was going on, I genuinely loved the characters, their development, their relationships. It was a wild and inventive premise too, Bill & Ted’ish in that random people from the past are brought to the present day. Hilarity ensues.

10. Bottled Goods by Sophie van Llewyn

We are planning a Romania trip later this summer (this is pathetic but we can’t officially book our flight until I know when G-Dragon is touring the US lol) so I have been trying to add some Romanian novels to my TBR to help aid me in getting stoked. I LOVED THIS ONE. It had a bit of magical realism in it but mostly portrayed life in Communist Romania which I admittedly do not know much about so it provided a great historical bent as well.

I really enjoyed this one!

11. Sky Full of Elephants by Cebo Campbell

OK wow another sci fi, who is she. Anyway, this was fascinating – one day, almost all of the white people walk to the nearest body of water and drown themselves and now POC are running a post-racial America. There aren’t any zombies in this but it did give me some The Walking Dead vibes where you have a group of people trying to get to “the Kingdom.”

I really enjoyed this but I couldn’t stand the main character’s 19yo daughter. She was such a fucking brat and her chapters were a drag.

12.Things Don’t Break on Their Own by Sarah Easter Collins

My friend Lindsey recommended this one to me and it was a solid 5 stars, brother. The mystery / thriller element was such a page-turner but the characters. Robyn’s parents. The old lady in the house. The shit Willa endured. The HOLY SHIT moment at the dinner party. This book was so rich with trauma and palpable pain, but also so much love between friends. I loved it so much, every page of it.

13. The Pairing by Casey McQuiston

But then I read this next and it was sooooo bad. I have loved her books in the past but this was just actual trash and I did not care about either person. The European food tour aspect of it wasn’t even enough to redeem it – usually books like that will poke at my wanderlust and it will make the rest of the shit tolerable but this was, as I said, trash. I didn’t care why these people broke up and I didn’t care if they were going to get back together. In fact, I was kind of hoping they would both die. At least Theo. I hated them so much. Wah wah wah.

14. The Third Gilmore Girl by Kelly Bishop

I mean…come on. It’s Kelly freaking Bishop. I admittedly did not know much about her outside of the Gilmore Girls realm but wow has she lived a life. I love memoirs.

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OK bye for now!