Forgive me Father, it has been x-number of days since my last bullet point post. I was going to just make up a number because I don’t feel like counting, but that would be LYING, and I can’t LIE while I’m blog confession.

Everyone knows that.

• Lady on the trolley behind me this morning made some annoyed exclamation when a lady came on and said something too loudly, but now this same lady is on the PHONE right behind my head and she is so fucking abrasive and I’m like “Hey remember when you thought that other lady was being loud? Well….” DONT TALK ON THE PHONE ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. No one wants to hear about your relaxing vacation and how you think you have a bug now.
  • From what I gathered though, some baby had been born and then there were no pictures of Laura and Ricky holding the baby and Trolley Lady kept muttering, “NO, THAT’S WEIRD. THAT SOUNDS WEIRD TO ME. THERE’S SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT THAT.”
• So last week, Henry’s Work Bromance told him that if the Pens/Sharks series went past 4 games, then he’s take Henry to Game 5 with him, since his wife gets tickets from work or something. I fucking threw a fit so hard that I almost had another baby, that’s how hard my body was contracting. The sheer incredulity of this proposal had literal foam seeping past my lips. Why should HENRY get to go to game 5 when he can’t even stay awake for an entire game? When he doesn’t care about watching the regular season games with me? WHEN HE CALLS IT OFFSIDES WHEN ANY REAL HOCKEY FAC KNOWS IT’S OFFSIDE?!  Ugh!! “And so I told him that if he goes, I will never talk to him again!” I huffed at work. “Sounds like a win/win to me,” Glenn said in his typical lifeless cadence.

• Penelope is super needy in the morning. The rest of the day, forget about it—she wants nothing to do with the humans. But man, in the mornings when I’m trying to get ready for work, she is all over me, like, “Hey lady, you don’t have enough cat fur on your wardrobe. I can help you with that.” I almost missed the stupid trolley shuttle the other morning because I had to run back into the house to fashion an impromptu fur-removal apparatus out of packing tape when I realized, after walking out into the bright light of day, how much fur was on my dumb pants.

• Hockey. I can’t stand it. Ugh, that’s a lie. I love it. But my fucking heart, man. The Penguins had a chance to clinch last night, to win the fucking Stanley Cup here at home, but things did not go as planned, because you can’t make plans when there are HOCKEY GODS watching diligently from above with steepled fingers. So you know what’s going to happen? I’ll tell you what is going to happen: the Penguins are win it in game 6 in San Jose. And do you know where I will be? At the House of Blues in Cleveland, trying to divide my attention between Pens alerts on my phone and Pierce the Veil performing their new album in its entirety right in front of me. Yep. The girl who watches every fucking regular season game (except for when she’s at a show, but even then she’s constantly checking her phone) is going to miss game 6 of the Stanley Cup finals.
  • DON’T GET IT TWISTED: I’m not saying I want them to lose so that I can be home to watch a game 7! No way. Get it done in San Jose, please. OMG.
  • Guess who didn’t go to game 5, by the way? HAHAHAHA. Not Henry, and not his work bromance either! Apparently work bromance’s wife was angry at him for not getting his hair cut so she ended up using the tickets anyway and guess who went to bed before the second period was over? HINT: Not me, not Chooch, not the dumb cats.

• NERD ALERT: On the way to Michigan a few weeks ago, Chooch practiced his Latin roots. Henry was all, “Have your mom help you, she took Latin.” Taking Latin and actually knowing Latin are not the same! I’m actually trying to find someone to translate “One Sixteen” for me because I don’t know if “One” should be Unum or Unus. And I mean, that’s pretty basic Latin 101 bullshit right there.
• The other night, Chooch pulled a Ziplock bag out of his backpack and I cried, “IS THAT WEED!?” “Yeah, it’s weed. Shaped like bread,” he said with an eye-roll. SORRY. MY EYES ARE BAD, REMEMBER.

• That time Chooch had a fan at some family restaurant in Howell, MI. The dad kept trying to get the baby to turn around and apologized to us. I was like, “Pfft, it’s fine; this one used to do that too.” And Henry mumbled, “He still does.”
  • I was only being nice and personable because this was The Breakfast before Bled Fest.
    • Ugh, I miss you Bled Fest. </3

•  I “published” issue #3 of the department ‘zine a few weeks ago and it turned into a Big Thing. Glenn recently got chickens and I thought that would be a fun activity for the ‘zine — find how many chickens are hidden in there. I had all sorts of chickens: ones that I drew, real chickens photoshopped in places where dogs and wedding bouquets should have been, a bucket of KFC, etc. So Lou came over and proudly announced that he had the correct answer and that I should add his name to the drawing I was having. Except that he was way off, because he was only counting the actual pictures and not the words (there were numerous chicken shout-outs!), so Lou threw a fit and said that the instructions were unclear and Glenn piped up that my contest was flawed and I was like, “MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T HAVE ANY MORE CONTESTS AT ALL THEN.” Ugh, this is what I get for telling lawyers to count chickens.
  • The moral of the story is: make shit as easy as possible or be prepared for the ensuing uproar.
    • Because of Lou, I had to start including ALL ANSWERS in the drawing, whether they were correct or not. I call it the Lou Clause.
      • Is that what clause means? I’m not a lawyer, lul.
• Speaking of lawyers, Todd said that he’s going to represent Glenn when Glenn sues me and for some reason this made me laugh to the point of tears.
• The other day, I went for a lunchtime stroll with my old work friend Debbie! She only just works right across the bridge from our building but I don’t see her nearly enough. We went to Market Square and there were all these giant games set up, so we decided to play giant Kerplunk. Look, I’m not trying to brag or anything, but I was so much better than the two little girls I was playing against.

• Henry said he doesn’t want to add anything to this bulletpoint extravaganza.

• Succulent serial killer. ^^^^

• Chooch took a stupid poll on Facebook to see which cat everyone thought was the cutest and of course almost everyone voted for DREW either because they know Chooch well enough to know that Drew is HIS cat and Penelope is MY cat, and also he used the worst, most blurry photo of Penelope. We had a legit fight over this and he was so smug and I cried.
  • But if this is a real contest, then come on, Marcy all day, err’day.
    • RIP, Marcy :(

• The above excerpt is from a blog post 2 years ago when I was just as bad at parenting as I am today. THIS IS LIKE A BLOG WITHIN A BLOG, WHOA.
• I was telling Lauren here at work that even before the hockey game started last night, I sat down on the couch and began weeping. Like, straight sobbing, you guys. Nerves, stress. Unwavering and unabashed love for the Penguins. It all just got to me and the emotions bubbled over. “You know what’s funny?” Todd piped up from two desks back. “The same thing happened to me.” SUCH A JERK.

• This was Drew’s reaction to the SHOPVAC Henry had to bring up from the basement in order to clean up all of the DIRT AND PLANT CARNAGE she created in the living room. I texted this picture to Wendy and she was like, “the fuck is a shot vac?” because auto-correct changed it, and she thought I was literally torturing my cat by shooting things at her. Then I realized it was spelled like that on Instagram too, so…great.
• I just got home from dinner with Barb, Jeannie, and Wendy. We were originally supposed to go to DeBlasio’s but then Wendy changed everything up at the last minute because a tunnel was going to be closed or something so we ended up going to Olive Garden instead and Jeannie was a big crybaby about chain restaurants but then was thoroughly impressed that the tables there are equipped with electronic thingies that you can order/pay/call your server/play games on, and Wendy was all, “Oh yeah, Red Robin has those too.” And Jeannie was all, “Oh wow, another chain restaurant.” And then I accidentally called our server and we all panicked but when she got there (like 10 minutes later, we clearly weren’t a priority), I blamed it on Barb. Barb just looks like the type of person who would accidentally push a call button. And then Wendy went to the rest room and we all stole Summer’s snacks because I was raving about how I used to eat them all the time when Chooch was a baby so then everyone had to try them. Puffs are the bomb, man. Summer was not thrilled with us.

• A few days ago, I had arrived to work just in time to see a large truck too long to make the turn next to my building. Henry would have had an erection if he had been there to help him.
• Henry and I wanted a Genesis documentary last Sunday night and it really put me in a lingering zone. I’ve seen Phil Collins solo, but never Genesis, and maybe that’s a good thing because I might actually drown on my tears and die. It could happen. You probably have never seen me cry over music.
• I went to lunch today with one of the groups in our department and the Muhammed Ali funeral procession was on all of the TVs the entire time and that was pretty morbid but we still couldn’t stop looking.
• Chooch just went outside to “think about life.” That lasted literally 2 seconds before he came bounding back in and screamed, “DADDY LET’S PLAY A GAME.” Monday is his last day of school. 4th grade was fucking terrible (not academically, at least) and I’m so ready for it to be over.

And now I leave you with #SexyCarWash:

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

What a goddamn series. I love hockey, but sometimes I honestly think it’s going to put me in an early grave. There were several times tonight where I thought I was going to punch myself in the face!

Most of the games in this Tampa series I wound up watching alone because Henry goes to bed so early because he’s almost 51 I guess. But this was Game 7 and he managed to stay awake for the whole thing, plus Chris came over and watched most of it with us so that really helped because conversation was a welcome distraction (oh bitch please, don’t worry, we still screamed our dumb faces off). Lucky for the Internet I didn’t have to use live-blogging as a distraction this time!

What a night. I’m so overheated and my heart palpitations are finally starting to subside so I’m going to dunk my head in a barrel of cold water and then go bed. PENS!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Panic starts all over again on Monday!!

I feel like I need to bullet-blog through the hockey game tonight because I can’t stand these games and I need something to keep me busy or else I will straight have a coronary right here in my stupid living room. So let’s pretend like we care about all the daily minutia that occurs in the life of this basic bitch.

• Terry ordered puppies last Thursday at work! It was a super exciting ordeal because who doesn’t want to abandon work for a few minutes to be kissed by some fucking adorable puppies? Goodamn serial killers and Donald Trump, that’s who. Uber was doing some charity thing with the Humane Society where you could literally call up an Uber and they’d bring you puppies to play with, and then the money you pay for the Uber went straight to the Humane Society. What a fucking genius idea! We all enjoyed it immensely, but no one more than Michele, who ended up being so smitten and puppy-drunk that she went out and adopted one a few days later! God, I love a happy ending. (All versions.)
  • I get really emotional around animals, so even though I was happy to pet some puppies, I still cried because crying is just what I do. It’s fine. I own it. I really miss having dogs, though!
  • guess who didn’t go outside to see the puppies? Glenn. But we already know he’s a serial killer.

• Here I am with my very first dog, WALLY.
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  WALLY WAS SO WONDERFUL! RIP IN WALLY! :(

• Emarosa’s new single “Helpless” has been getting some actual radio play on some Detroit radio station! Tonight, they were up against Brand New for some battle of the band thingie and Bradley was all, “Hey Twitter, call and vote” and when a band I like tells me to do something, I’m probably going to do it, even if that means using my phone as an actual phone which is like my least favorite thing to use my phone for. Ugh, what the hell, Emarosa. The first time I called, I HUNG UP WITH THE DJ ANSWERED BECAUSE OMG PANIC, ANXIETY, WILL I START STUTTERING, WHO CAN EVEN GUESS?! So then I called back and of course the dude couldn’t just take my vote and hang up, he had to start asking me questions like “what is your name” and “where are you from?” and I got a super fan-girl lilt to my voice and PLEASE I HOPE THEY DIDN’T PUT ME ON AIR UGH.
  • It’s hard to believe that I used to do this shit for sport! I can’t tell you how many mix tapes I’ve collected where each song is preceded by “This is SUSIE, from CLAIRTON.” That was my go-to name and location.
• Chooch has been really into Music.ally for a while now and I guess this is basically admitting that I’m out of touch, but I think it’s dumb as fuckkkkkk. Especially when he wants me to help him film shit. But then when we were at my grandparents house over the weekend, he roped Corey into assisting him and I have to admit, it was pretty funny.

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

And here is another one that I like:

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

• 10 more minutes until this stupid hockey game starts. I just can’t with Stanley Cup playoffs. Henry never stays awake for the end so I’m always alone, freaking out, and having no one to console me. Thanks, fuck boy.
• Speaking of Henry, he broke his phone so he’s been using some spare phone from work and it’s a FLIP PHONE with NO INTERNET ACCESS lol forever. I downloaded a new emoji keyboard just so I could send him a “cuz” emoji  because I always try to get him to say “Sup cuz” to his “friends” and he gets so mad because “I DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!” Anyway, he was so angry because he had to actually download the emoji to see it and it took him so long and then he was like, “REALLY, ERIN? ALL THAT FOR THIS?!”
  • Looks like Erin wins again!

• I had breakfast at Pamela’s with Jeannie, Wendy and Summer on Saturday. Wendy made us go to a different Pamela’s, one that was more convenient for her, god forbid, and I was so mad because there was construction and I had to go some weird way IN THE RAIN and I got all stressed out! And then on top of that, Wendy made fun of me because I apparently made a really excited face as I was showing Jeannie the picture of me with Carly Rae Jepsen! UGH! But I had a good banana walnut pancake and Summer is always nice to look at (but not hold, because I haven’t completely lost my mind).
  • I was going to pay for Wendy’s breakfast as a belated birthday thing but then she got the wrong order and the waitress took it off the bill so happy birthday, Wendy! I did that for you!  You’re welcome.

MEOWSEUM.

• GAME HAS STARTED. I FEEL SICK.CHOOCH WON’T STOP TALKING AND I’M LIKE “SON I MOSTLY LOVE YOU BUT GOOD GODDAMN SHUT YOUR FACE FOR A MINUTE.”
• Has anyone nicknamed Tampa’s goalie “Vagisilevski” yet?  This series has made me feel very disoriented. Nothing feels familiar. And Henry has already gone to bed?!?! It’s not even 8:30!
• WE ARE LOSING. I HONESTLY RIPPED OUT A CHUNK OF HAIR.
• We had cake at work and I didn’t eat any because diet but right about now I’d like to fucking suffocate myself in it.
• NO FUCKING GOAL!!!!!!!!!! OFFSIDE!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!

• Bought a bunch of new plants over the weekend and apparently the cats smoked crack yesterday and went on a fucking spree. Let’s just say it’s a good thing Henry came home before me and cleaned up the carnage because from what I could tell, there was a lot of plant guts and broken glass. For Henry to say, “It was bad, real bad” then you know it was spectacularly horrendous because homie don’t exaggerate.  So by the time I came home, I was ready to unadopt those little assholes. And you know what they did the rest of the night? SLEPT ON THE COUCH BECAUSE THEY WERE SOOOO EXHAUSTED.
  • I blame Henry for this because he hasn’t built me a myriad of shelves like I keep asking for and he also has ignored every hanging planter DIY I’ve sent him.
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• I’m going to have to give myself a pixie cut to even out my hair after hockey is done for the year.
• Also, I feel like I need to eat something. A stick of butter maybe.

• I found a stack of old photos in my Pappap’s desk, including several featuring y birth dad. This was a pretty big deal for me because I have very few photos of him and the ones I d have, his face is barely visible, almost like it was on purpose. LIKE MAYBE HE WAS A VAMPIRE. I can’t believe I have never considered this theory before. Anyway, I found this great photo of him and me at the circus and this image of me surrounded by so many clowns envelopes me in fuzzy wings made of joy and a slight echo of maniacal laughter. Man, I have just always loved those fucking painted-faced derelicts.
• Oh great, Geno got a fucking penalty. Time to hold my nose and dunk my head in water for 2 minutes.
• We’re leaving for Michigan after work on Friday and I am so fucking ready. (I mean, I still have to pack.) I’m beyond stoked for Bled Fest but also just as stoked for the next day when we get to hang out with our pals Bill and Jessi! We haven’t seen them since our poorly-planned road trip two summers ago so we are way past due for some quality friend-o time.
• 5-on-3 for a 1:19 — come on Pens! OMG my stomach. My bowels are going to start leaking. I can’t stand this stress.
• KESSEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• OK. 1-0 Pens. End of 1st period. This is good. I’m OK. I’m breathing.

• The original bae, Robert Smith. I GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN NEXT MONTH, LORD HELP ME. It’s hilarious to me that I drained my savings to go to Australia to see them play on what Robert claimed was their “last tour” ever. And yet I’ve seen them four, soon to be five, times since then. Still, I’m glad that happened! Easily the greatest moment of my life. I mean, um, after having Chooch. I guess.
  • Can I just say that it’s a tie?

• ^^^What I’m going to look like if the Penguins lose this goddamn game.
• Well, Chooch and I wanted to share an apple but we couldn’t find the apple corer and neither of us are allowed to use big knives so we tried to bully Henry into waking up and coming downstairs to cut the apple but then thank god I found the apple corer because it was starting to look grim for us, and I didn’t want to resort to Plan X, which was take the apple upstairs to Henry with a knife and then stab him with the knife.
  • Basically what I’m saying is that this night could have taken a much different, dark, dastardly turn instead of us sitting here eating an apple harmoniously.
    • Goddamn, this apple is a stunner. I just made Chooch go find out what brand it is and he has reported back that it’s a Gala. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
• There were some outlander broads on our floor last Friday. I guess Glenn knew one of them from another job he had so she stopped to chat with him (I know, I was surprised too); meanwhile the other broad was like, “Wow…” in kind of a disgusted tone, and I noticed she was looking at my adorable Fiji mermaid. “Yeah, welcome to the freak show,” Glenn mumbled but I think he was secretly smug, like, “yeah, that’s right, I get to sit behind the most interesting work space in this joint.” A few seconds after they left, I stood up, turned around, and cried, “WHO WAS THAT?” because randos don’t come on our floor very often and I was intrigued that Glenn knew these ones. Todd made some comment about how he didn’t realize I was at my desk for that, since I hadn’t chimed in with any retaliations to Glenn’s snide remarks. “I had jellybeans in my mouth,” I said with a shrug. #missedopportunity
  • Amber² said that the one broad was making googly eyes at Glenn while talking to him, AH HA HA HA!!!
• OH YOU GUYS, PENS SCORED!!! 2-0!!! Not getting my hopes up. I feel dizzy AF.
• I asked Henry if he will live blog during Bled Fest and he got all incredulous and indignant so that surely means yes.
  • Real talk, though, I hope I don’t get hurt at Bled Fest.
• Things with my mom are going well, thanks for asking!!
• Today I decided that if I do less work, I’ll probably make less mistakes, right? I sucked all-around today.
• Pens are on the power play now! I need my boo Malkin to score.
• HEY HAVE YOU SEEN “THE WITCH”? We watched it over the weekend and damn was I disappointed. Really boring and not even all that visually stimulating, plus I could barely understand most of the dialogue, stupid fucking Puritans. Super glad I ended up not wasting money on it at the theater! (#tightwad) Henry and I both mumbled, “That was dumb” at the same time and he and I rarely have the same movie reviews because he generally doesn’t like anything anyway unless it was made by the Wayans brothers or has “Bourne” in the title. OR IS PORNOGRAPHY. But that’s a given. Duh. Doi.
  • Speaking of pornography, in my dream last night, we were having a threesome with Frankenstein. I told Henry about it today and he made a disgusted face at me but I think he’d be into it.
• This period is almost over and then I am going to exercise. Don’t worry. I’ll be back.
• SID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3-0!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • LOL at the person who yelled “CROSBY SUCKS” as he walked down the runway. I bet that really shook him to the core.
• K I’M BACK. I woke Henry up and berated him briefly because he apparently can’t take me to work tomorrow and you know what that means – trolley time. :(
• FUCK Tampon scored. :( 3-1. IT’S OK KESSEL. NOBODY’S PERFECT. OMG stop with the Closeup of Shame, NBC.
  • Man, the momentum has shifted for sure and I do not like it. Pens need to get another goal and fast.
  • MAYBE I SHOULD TURN OFF THE TV.
• Hate me if you need to, but am I the only one who found that Chewbacca Mask bitch annoying as fuck? I didn’t even realize it was such a big deal at first and literally thought it was just one of my friend sharing a video of someone they actually knew, so I watched it before I realized there was hype around it and I was just like, “_______” Henry walked in and said, “What are you watching?” because I apparently looked irritated, and I just said, “I don’t know. Some really stupid video.” I mean, props to her for getting her 15 minutes and I swear I’m not a hater, but….man. Standards just get lower and lower.
• MY GENO BEST NOT BE HURT.

• “Call It Lust” by Dora Maar was my jammmmm back in 2005, but I lost the mp3 I had of it years ago. Then a few months ago, someone put it up on YouTube and I honestly fell to my knees and rejoiced. You can ask Henry (412-605-2143). He had to sit here and watch me freak out and scream, “ONE MORE TIME!!!!” every time it ended. I have a very obsessive personality.
  • AND I HATE YOUR BREATHING.
  • I was friends with these guys on LiveJournal but lost touch. I would give anything to hear them play this song live. Like, in my Pappap’s gameroom.
• Oh for Christ’s sake, this game is wrecking my stomach.
  • I hate all of the Lightning players’ names.
  • “Back-up goalie Marc-Andre Fleury” — still sounds so weird.
  • OH GREAT, 3-2. SHOULD I JUST GO TO BED.
  • Don’t worry, my hair is now in a bun so I can’t shred it any further. I might call Chooch downstairs so I can start pulling his hair out though. That’s what kids are for.
• Henry eats pretzels with every meal. And sometimes pretzels are his meal.
• YESSSSSS FUCKING RUST!!!!!!!!! 4-2!!!!!!!!! 2 MINUTES LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY FUCKING GOD. HEAVY FUCKING BREATHING. ALMOST LIKE FRANKENSTEIN IS HERE.
• BONINO!!! EMPTY NET!!! 5-2!!! THANK THE MOTHERFUCKING LORD CHRIST OUR HEAVENLY HOCKEY GOD!!!!!
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• Wow, how can I sleep after this. #THATSWHATFRANKENSTEINSAID
• Yay! Game over. Now I can start stressing about Game 7.

Gotta go. Frankenstein’s on the other line.

It was a Saturday morning on March 28th, and Henry was having his daily “you people are fucking helpless!” rant, all because I ran out of makeup at the exact moment Chooch suddenly needed a piece of toast. So now Henry had to decide which to do first: go to the store for makeup or make toast. This particular rant ended with “If I end up in the hospital someday, you two are NOT moving into that room with me!”

So it was pretty funny that several hours later, he was dropping off us downtown in order for us to go to the Penguins game.

Alone.

As in: WITHOUT HIM.

“BUT WHERE DO WE GO?!” I cried as Henry slammed on the brakes in order for us to catapult out of the car. It was an area I was unfamiliar with! (Like, all of them.)

“Just follow the people in hockey jerseys!” Henry barked, mumbling ‘idiot’ under his breath.

This day was notable for two reasons:

1. Chooch and I were going to put our big kid pants on and handle ourselves independently of Henry. DOWNTOWN.
2. This was going to be Chooch’s first ever hockey game!

It’s amazing that he agreed to go with me, especially since it was last minute (Barb gave me the tickets the day before — she is the best fairy god mother of all time and I still miss her EVERY SINGLE DAAAAAY), because Chooch hates hockey. And if there is one thing he hates more than hockey, it’s the Pittsburgh Penguins specifically.

I can pinpoint for you the exact moment this aversion, this fiery hatred, started: It was Friday, June 12, 2009. Chooch was three-years-old, and the Pens had just won the Stanley Cup. I was screaming. Like, lunatic-levels of verbal raving. And then I picked up Chooch and started jumping with him in arms, still screaming and woo-ing and crying tears of hockey happiness.

Chooch lost his shit. He started shaking and trying to pull away from the psycho broad shouting PENNNNNNNNNS in his face like some asshole being raptured, and then he was crying too, but not the same way I was. He was crying in the vein of a child in the throes of being scarred for life.

My friend Alisha was there that night, and she was like, “OMG put him down! You’re scaring him!” All of this in conjunction with the neighbors running into the streets outside, banging pots and pans and creating absolute sports-related pandemonium, paved the path for a very traumatic event in Chooch’s life. He probably thought the world was ending.

Ever since then, he has purposely rooted for every opposing team, especially the Flyers, oh how he loves to break my heart by cheering them on out of spite; one time I told him I was going to buy orange balloons for the birthday party HE WASN’T HAVING. But Barb was like, “Maybe if you take him to a game, he’ll change his mind.”

Right away, he said he would go with me and of course he had to wear one of my Penguins shirts because god forbid he should have any of his own. That annoyed him.

“You know I’m going to cheer for the Coyotes,” he warned on the way to Consol, and I promised that I would abandon him in an alley with nary a cardboard box if he even WHISPERED it.

But then we got there and he was like, “OK. This isn’t so bad.” Also, Henry gave me money so that I could buy him food to keep his mouth shut. That seemed to help.

He was really excited about singing the National Anthem and kept talking about it and talking about it and I was like, “Who gets excited over the Star Spangled Banner, you freak!?” But then he got to have the last laugh because some soldier had returned home from somewhere and surprised his family on the ice right before the game started, so I started crying because I just can’t handle life anymore. Chooch was like, “Are you CRYING? Jesus Christ.”

But then the best thing happened! The game started and everyone started screaming LET’S GO PENS and then CHOOCH was screaming LET’S GO PENS! My heart, oh my heart.

After the first period, we managed to go to the bathroom separately without losing* each other! WE ARE GETTING SO GOOD AT BEING….people.

*OK, I thought I lost him for a few minutes, but he was just waiting for me inside the helmet. Which is exactly where I told him to meet me.

Also, Chooch said to me, “I actually didn’t use the men’s room. The line was so long, so I just came back over here by the helmet and used the family restroom.” I love that he has way more ingenuity than me. If the line to the women’s room was too long, I would have just cried about it, peed my pants, felt rage, considered killing myself, and then blogged 87 paragraphs for no one to read about my ill-fated journey.

Chooch just rationally finds another place to piss.

I’M DOING SUCH A GOOD JOB RAISING HIM!

Here is Chooch coming back from buying a Dilly Bar after spending two periods wearing me down. “Now can I have a Dilly Bar? When can I have a Dilly Bar? Wait…what’s a Dilly Bar, again?” Then he would look at the scoreboard and cry, “IT’S STILL 0-0?!!?” The two older men next to me kept spitting out disparaging remarks about how boring the game was, Kunitz needs to go, Bennett needs to go, shoot the fucking puck. But they were surprisingly not too loud about it so I didn’t get all that upset. And every time they would leave their seats, they would high-five Chooch, so they weren’t all too bad.

I think what really won him over was Iceburgh, the Penguins’ mascot. We all know that Chooch is a future furry, and he gloms on to mascots every where we go. So, he spent most of the time searching the stands for Iceburgh.

But then in the third period, actual scoring finally started happening so Chooch was like, “Hmm. This is kind of cool.” Except for the times when I would accidentally scream in his ear and then he’d consider going back to hating hockey. I CAN’T HELP IT. I’M A SCREAMER.

“Man, I just really wish you could see Crosby score,” I lamented to Chooch. And then, no less than 10 seconds later, Crosby scored. I wish it always worked that way.

The Pens ended up winning (amazingly, considering the abysmal streak they’ve been on during this season’s homestretch) and Chooch got to see a fight and unfortunately, a grisly hit by Shane Doan on Letang, which stopped the game for a good 10 minutes before Letang was finally able to get and skate off to the locker room, with assistance. Chooch was outraged by all of this and become obsessed with flipping off Shane Doan’s picture in the game’s program.

Right when we were leaving our seats, some guy walked by and said, “YOUR SHIRT IS AWESOME!” except that he said it to ME and not CHOOCH, and you guys know how Chooch gets when shit like this happens. It was basically like this guy took my eyeball purse and beat Chooch with it, that’s how much it stung him. God, he is so attention-starved! He must get that shit from Henry.

Chooch was so pleasant all afternoon that I caved and bought him a plush Iceburgh. And then we managed to make it all the home on the trolley without accidentally giving the homeless people all of my money (Bleeding Heart Syndrome) or falling off a cliff.

Then we came home and I asked Henry if he missed us and he said no because we were only gone for a few hours. :(

It took three tries before Henry finally dropped his bitchy resting face.

One of the (very) few things Henry and I have in common is our love for hockey. Except that I love it waaaay more. Like, if he talks to me during a Penguins game, I consider back-handing him but I’m trying to move past that phase of my life. I’m all about keeping my hands to myself these days. (It’s a struggle.) And I’m the one who screams at the TV and throws babies at the wall when the refs make bad calls while Henry just calmly looks up from his American Crafter magazine and silently wonders what he missed. I very rarely miss a game even if it means listening to it on my phone at work (ugh) or being That Jerk who constantly checks their phone for updates when they’re supposed to be out with friends or something.

You would think that Henry and I go to hockey games like ALL OF THE DAYS since it’s the only thing we have to talk about late at night when we’re in bed knitting scarves. Well, you’re wrong—we’ve never been to one together ever! (Except for a Wheeling Nailers game in 2010.) Henry actually hasn’t even been to one since like 1991 I think he said, which made me laugh, but then I remembered that I haven’t been to very many more than that. My family used to have season tickets so I was kind of spoiled there for awhile in the 90s, but then my mom decided that having season tickets for hockey AND the Steelers was too excessive and the shitty STEELERS tickets won out. I have so much hate for her because of that. (And, you know, the fact that she all but abandoned me as a daughter, lol.)

Wow. This is quickly going down the wrong path. How about I save that for the memoirs.

Anyway, my Fairy Godmother Barb gave me two tickets to Sunday’s game against the Winnipeg Jets and it was honestly the nicest thing ever. It’s hard enough for me to go to a game because of my shitty work schedule, let alone us both going—tickets are like $$$$ for us blue-collareds and there is always something financially urgent that prevents us from splurging on our one true love. You know, things like rent. Fuck you, rent. So the last several games I went to, it was with friends. Sorry, Henry.

Of course, Barb assumed I would be taking Henry and I let her (and Henry) believe that but really I was monitoring Henry’s treatment of me over the last few days to determine if he had earned the honor to accompany me on such an important date. And he knew it too because he was fucking FAWNING over me Sunday morning. I sighed and let him go with me.

And I was mostly fine with my decision except when he nearly made me FALL INTO A SNOWBANK when we were walking out of the parking lot, ugh I hate you Henry.

Yay, I found a beer I could drink without grimacing! I was practically a Normal American at a Sporting Event! But then my friend Sean gently pointed out on Instagram that it’s not real beer, in so many words.

Chooch would have been pissed because while Henry was trying to pay for my not-beer, the cashier woman was going on and on about my purse and I was giggling because Yay, I’m awesome for buying a purse on the Internet! But, it does serve as a pretty accurate character evaluation, I guess.  Henry just stood there, frowning and trying to shove his money at her.

Even frowns at the hockey game. Fuck you.

I may have cried when the Penguins came out before the game. I JUST REALLY LOVE THEM SO MUCH. :( James Neal kept leaning against the glass straight down from us and I smugly said to Henry, “This is only the SECOND closest he’s ever been to me.” And then, “OMG DO YOU THINK HE REMEMBERS ME?!” Henry just flashed one of those patronizing frown/smirks that he does to wordlessly signify that he thinks I’m stupid.

We were losing 0-2 by the end of the first period and I was in panic-mode because if the Penguins won that day, they were on a home ice win-streak and about to break a record. And it would be all Henry’s fault if they lost, just because, and we would all wear our Blame Henry pins the next day, but I would feel shame too for not taking someone else.

I’m very superstitious.

But luckily, we won 6-5! And my Prom Date James Neal had two of those goals! But really what this means is that Old Man Henry had to stand up SIX TIMES, you guys.

What a great game—thanks Barb! And thanks Henry, for being mostly OK to sit next to.

(I asked Henry if there was anything he wanted to add and he almost sneezed in my face.)

Per my friend Sandy’s request, I am going to live-blog Game 2 of the Penguins/Islanders 1st round playoff matchup thing and pretend like I can string together professional sports-people words and not just HOLY FUCKING SHIT I LOVE YOU SIDNEY CROSBY!!!! and my usual brand of X-rated hockey heckles.

This should be really interesting, because I’m at work and listening to the game on my phone while, you know, working. So keep checking back for updates, OK?!

7:00PM: Mike Lange just reminded us that it is indeed a hockey night in Pittsburgh, so suck it, non-Pittsburghers.

7:01PM: I am going to make a quick cup of coffee. Hopefully I don’t fall into some stupid work conversation while I’m in the kitchen. Or worse — break the Keurig again.

7:04PM: Orange is my least favorite color.

7:11PM: I went to the kitchen and realized I forgot a K-cup so I had to come back to my office and then go back to the kitchen and LONG STORY SHORT I MISSED THE FIRST GOAL OF THE GAME. AND IT WAS A MALKIN GOAL.

7:12pm: This is significant because I am wearing a Malkin t-shirt right now at work.

7:13PM: Islander douchebag got called for slashing, and not the good Jason Voorhees kind either. What a fuck up!

7:16PM: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I LOVE YOU SIDNEY CROSBY!!!! 2-0 you guys!!

7:20PM: My prom date James Neal is not in the line up tonight but I’d still give him the Prom Night Special.

7:36PM: When they say the goalie stopped the hard slapper in his pads, it makes me think of menstruating girls stopping advancing penises.

7:37PM: I just lost about 25 updates. What you missed: The Islanders scored and all their fans probably listened to Nickelback in celebration and then Crosby scored 18 seconds later because he is the greatest hockey player in the world and that is just what he does. Oh, and I hate Fran Drescher. Unrelated.

7:42PM: Letang hammered it down the ice and every girl in Pittsburgh is left wishing that it was his penis he was hammering into their kookas.

7:46PM: Periods. PPs. Hammering. Squirting [pucks]. 2 minutes for receiving. My future hockey porn is going to be so successful.

7:53PM: Thank god, end of first period. Now I can eat my dinner. (Is that OK, Sandy?)

SECOND PERIOD

8:08PM: I’m trying to eat my Lean Cuisine, but how sad is Tavares that he’s stuck on such a shitty hockey team I mean really.

8:10Pm: Remember when our goalie punched their goalie in the face?

8:11PM: Mike Lange just said something about someone having a dozen something and all I can think about is a dozen cupcakes because I’m on a diet.

8:14PM: YESSS Niskanen is fighting Okposo who is essentially a sewer-dwelling black albino.

8:17PM: Guys really, WTF is this?

8:18PM: Of course the Islanders scored while I was busy finding a picture of this strange albino-hybrid for you, but at least it wasn’t him who scored. Albinos make me sick.

8:22PM: Penguins are on the power play for some unknown reason, woooooo!!! I’m sure it’s because one of the Islanders tried to slit someone’s throat with a hockey stick.

8:27PM: Fuck the Islanders. 3-3

8:29PM: I guess I’m not surprised that the Islanders are playing well. They probably don’t want to get deported to their coach’s secret puppy mill for washed up NHL players.

8:32PM: Don’t albinos have poor eyesight? Or am I confusing them with moles? But albinos are just like human versions of moles, right?

8:34PM: Forgot that my hockey porn will have a “back door” vignette, too. That will probably be Henry’s favorite scene.

8:40PM: Someone got hurt while I was washing my coffee mug. It wasn’t a Penguin though. Thank god.

8:42PM: Double minor what’s up bitches.

8:44PM: There should be an amusement park darkride that takes you on a psychedelic cruise through the last 3 decades of the Islanders’ Stanley Cup-less history. A true Laff In the Dark!

8:47PM: The three Islanders’ goals have mob ties.

End of second period. I’m going home and watching the rest of the game on a real life television. You guys are on your own. Check ESPN or something, I don’t give a fuck.

Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when I thought I was going to get stabbed on the trolley, so I got off one stop early and then Henry got all mad because he had to walk me to work via his cell phone? Well, I took the trolley to work today (trade off for Henry taking Chooch to school TWO DAYS IN A ROW, BEST BOYFRIEND EVER) and inadvertantly sat right across from that guy again! Jesus fuck. This time it wasn’t so bad: I was only entertained with a series of exaggerated yawns and some motorboating. I felt safe enough this time around to get his picture, right before we arrived at our stop. I know it’s not up to my usual stalking-par, but I took this through a plexi glass divider.

Then some tall, handsome man was all, “Ladies first” in a very seductive tone, and I was like, “Thank god people still recognize me as a lady.

”

Actually, all kinds of people were nice to me on the way to work today, which is weird considering I’m usually a trash receptacle for unwarranted sneers and snarls.

Today, the Law Firm is showing their Pens support, so I wore my Sid Vicious shirt that Andrea got me when she was visiting last December. Game 5 starts in less than two hours.

I have an eye twitch.

Between Stanley Cup Playoffs and Chooch’s looming birthday party (this Sunday!), my whole body is one big eye twitch.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:37 Could probably pass as a member of Rise Against. brizzly.com/pic/1SOS #
• 14:42 Henry & Chooch are across the playground, leaving me alone to look like a pedo-creeper in ridiculously large shades & bloody hair flower. #
• 15:09 Babies are essentially mutes until they become unmuted & join the human race. If you have any more questions, come to my symposium. #
• 15:20 I’m still at Brookline Park if anyone feels like getting on their horse to rescue me. #
• 15:27 There is the biggest ho of an 11yo here. (Had to ask expert child-ogler Henry her age.) Bet she got pregnant yesterday. #
• 16:31 At Bado’s for dinner, hoping Chooch doesn’t act bad-o. OH! brizzly.com/pic/1SQ8 #
• 17:08 Me, after refusing to eat my salad: Im a salad snob; I can’t help it. Henry: Youre just a snob in general. #
• 17:58 Designing a product label for Chooch. “Instant Asshole, just add sugar.” #
• ***
• 00:10 Bitch and cry on Facebook and Twitter, everyone, THAT’LL SHOW THE GOV’T!! #
• 00:21 Your beef may be with Obama, but MINE is still with “God” for only “creating” 2 genders. I want at least a third option. #
• 00:32 My mom tried to pull a While You Were Out on me once. I’ve been waiting 7 years for her to finish it. #
• 10:26 Monday’s like the wad of cum left to wipe up after Saturday & Sunday have sex. #
• 10:27 I’m going to start my own fortune company. Chinese dinners are about to get vagynafondued. #
• 11:49 It’s not a successful ab workout wi thout some puke involved. #
• 13:02 Everytime cancer touches someone I know I want to sucker punch my ex-bff for saying she wished she’d get cancer & die. Boo hoo, emo bitch. #
• 13:06 Somehow Kevin Smith brought up abortions on @nhllive. Almost makes me like him. Then he started his fat rant & I’m back to being annoyed. #
• 17:25 I sit in the car until the very last possible second. I’ll be damned if this company gets free work from me. #
• 17:53 Current job status: about to be unemployed again this week. Henry’s gonna have a fun time doing my taxes next year. #
• 19:35 Suck a cock, #redwings fans. #
• 20:31 My boss brought in frownies for our last night. :(. brizzly.com/pic/1T40 #
• 23:24 I’m glad I had the foresight to buy myself presents while still gainfully employed. #
• ***
• 01:31 It’s almost time to dust off #thingieball! I wish THAT could be my job. #
• 11:30 I hate Peeps. I hate Italian ice. I think maybe that means I might probably hate Peeps-flavored Italian ice. Won’t be testing this theory. #
• 11:59 The worst part of Steve Irwin dying is his asshole daughter being handed fame on a platter. Bindi Irwin: Australia’s Miley Cyrus. #
• 16:42 I wish more musicians were as genuine as @craigeryowens. #
• 20:10 My salad tastes like a haunted house. Mmm, fog machines, chainsaw fumes & the stench of scared teen girls. #
• 20:29 I like watching Celebrity Apprentice because it makes me feel less inferior as a person. But I can get that from watching Henry, too. #
• ***
• 00:56 Hay laundry boy @awoodhick: way to not wash the pink blanket again. You are always letting me down!!! #
• 09:02 I’m really kicking myself for not joining the Milledgeville police force back when I got that invitation 2 yrs ago. #
• 09:08 Who wants to dye eggie-eggs with me this weekend? #
• 09:43 Three years ago, my first ever tweet informed my 0 followers that I had just changed my tampon. Life was simpler then. #
• 09:58 2 yrs ago I had a heckle-filled post abt a Cleveland roller derby team. My blog stats show it being viewed a lot today by Clevelanders. WHY? #
• 10:03 Oh OK, I see now. Someone on their team found it, posted it on Facebook, & it’s spreading like wildfire. Preparing to get jumped now, thx. #
• 10:13 Practicing roundhouses on my child. I mean, flour sacks. Practicing on flour sacks. #
• 12:38 Ask me anything formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
• 13:50 I really pissed off the wrong people this time!!! Make sure lots of Cure is played at my funeral, will ya? #
• 15:29 I was just interviewed by a burgundy-haired Tea Leoni. She made me feel comforted. #
• 15:34 Henry, regarding my present fear of an ass beating: “it’s not your ‘stupid blog,’ it’s YOU.” #
• 18:33 Well. At least having no job means I can watch the #penscaps game tonight. #
• 19:42 God, these #penscaps games raise my blood pressure. One period played & my throat is already raw from screaming like an asshole. #
• 20:26 That was like watching a How To Score a Goal 101 video, thanks Guerin! #letsgopens #
• 21:23 Oh thank you, Staal! These games make me feel like I’m waiting for the dentist to start the root canal. #letsgopens #NHL #
• 21:36 Oh my heart. It’s like the #pens are my sons & I’m watching them ride their bikes w/o training wheels for the 1st time. #nhl #
• ***
• 09:40 I might have a job with Pittsburgh’s largest law firm. Can’t wait to meet a rich I mean nice lawyer & kick Henry t o the curb. #
• 13:34 I like Life Unexpected but I HATE the theme song. & Lux. I hate every scene w/ Lux. I’d send her whiny ass back to the orphanage. #
• 13:57 Fou nd in an old journal, 3-8-03: I can’t wait to be Henry’s wife. I hope it happens soon! (AHAHAHAHAHAHAH how naive of me) #
• 14:17 Chooch thinks a grilled cheese is a cheese sandwich that’s melted in the microwave. I may have had something to do with that. #
• 17:44 I wish my job was sitting in an arm chair on a stage, reading from my journal collection. Henry said “don’t u pretty much do that already?” #
• 21:41 Got the car stuck in mud. I’ll never hear the end of this one. #
• 21:51 That was fun, watching Henry blow blood vessels in his head as he pushed the car while I floored it. He keeps saying YOURE LUCKY. #
• 21:53 He just spilled Chooch’s chocolate milk. Thursday night vs Henry is turning out to be an exciting match-up. #
• 22:33 Previews for the girl-girl storyline on 90210 made Henry smirk, then frown. HENRY HATES GAYS. #
• ***
• 12:16 I have never been this nervous for an interview. Just drank some regurgitated veggie sausage juice. #
• 14:04 Pretty sure all I wanted for my 4th bday was crayons, maybe my mother’s love. Chooch? He wants a laptop & an iPhone. #
• 14:16 Friends, don’t seek reassurance from my son. Just asked him if he thinks the ppl at law firm will like me. “No. They won’t.” No hesitation! #
• 15:53 Um. I couldn’t even figure out how to open the door to the office. Great start!!!!! #
• 16:38 That might have been the best interview ever. They have a table full of candy in pretty bowls. And not the dumb kind of candy, either! #
• 17:49 I’m about to start calling up successful people I grew up with & saying, “Remember when you sunk my battleship in ’86? Yeah? Gimme a job.” #
• 17:51 Yelled at Chooch for leaving a stinky fart after which he had the audacity to tell me, “Oh well. Then go outside or sumpin’.” #
• 19:19 Watching Chooch count blocks, I reminded him that he always forgets 7. “Yeah,” he said, “because I don’t NEED seven.” Schooled as usual. #
• 19:43 Randomly flashbacked to when I got the staples removed from my C-section incision &, even after 4 years, almost passed out. #
• 21:53 Walmart’s loss prevention: reuniting Henry with his son Blake. Touching, like a Folgers commercial. #
• 21:59 Well like I always say: if you’re gonna get caught stealing, it better have been something worthwhile. Like K-Y. #
• ***
• 11:25 Jackie Warner just made me puke up my Special K. Losing weight is easy! #
• 13:19 I’m always half-expecting to walk into Chooch’s room and catch him with our cat Nicotina, mid-evisceration. #
• 13:25 I miss Rob Scuderi. #pens #NHL #
• 13:44 Thank you, Kunitz. My neighbors thank you too. They love hearing my big fucking mouth. #pens #
• 14:15 Pratfall by Hartnell, followed by a Dupuis goal – I lov e when we play the Flyers! #letsgopens #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Hey, so something you might not know about me is that I kind of like hockey. Yeah, a little bit. Here and there. So when I heard there was a Pitt vs Duquesne hockey game last Friday, first I said, “Pitt has a hockey team?” and then “Duquesne has a hockey team?” and then “Tickets are only $5? I’m going.”

The whole way to Bladerunners in Harmarville, Alisha asked questions like, “Wait, what are we going to see again? A lacrosse match?” and “Is there going to be nude entertainment of any sort” and her most oft-asked question “Do you know that you’re totally the coolest person I know? I’m so lucky.” So we get there and follow a pack of Pitt students who knew which way to go. I appreciated when the ticket guy had to ask hesitantly, “Adult?” instead of just assuming that this broad is clearly not a student. He didn’t ask Alisha. In fact, he tried to give her the Downs discount. I kind of felt bad.

Since both of us went to Pitt for a minute, it was logical that we root for the Panthers and not the snobby Duquesne Dukes. I made sure to ask which side of the rink was for the Pitt fans, so as not to have any tense situations like when I accidentally sat on the visitors side at a roller derby bout I once went to.

Initially we sat all the way down by Pitt’s goal, until Alisha reminded me of my poor eye sight, and we moved slightly closer to the middle to ensure both sides of the rink could be seen. We were actually seated right next to the glorified runway that the Pitt players used, and you just know how idiotic I acted about that. Alisha’s suggestion ended up being quite serendipitous because we moved seats right as the busloads of Pitt students poured into the rink and about 20 of the loudest skinny-jeans, Ugg-wearing girls with their respective frat boy partners all ascended on the side of the bleachers we had just moved from. Now, I’m all about getting rowdy at sporting events. That’s the POINT. But even I’m able to mute my asshole-isms during the National Anthem. Unfortunately, no one told this group of kids that, and they proceeded to yell and scream and heckle and sing along in mock tenors and I was so thankful to not be standing in their midst and get labeled as a douchebag by the dumb luck of proximity. There were groups of students behind us who were furiously shushing them.

How embarrassing.

Not that I was expecting slick NHL action, but goddamn is college hockey sloooow. I mean, time-wise it goes fast without the TV timeouts, but there was little action. The passing on both teams was pretty shakey and neither team had a good grasp of puck control. I teach hockey to mutes, so I know these things. However, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t fun for what it was. Alisha and I found ourselves heavily supporting Pitt, and we learned from the loud-mouths to our left that Steve, Brad and Mike were the popular players. I was frantically trying to check the roster on my phone and I still have no idea which ones were Steve, Brad and Mike. But you better believe I was a little minah bird every time I heard someone shouting their names. It was like this:

Pitt students in the know: “STEVE!!!!!”

Me, half a second later: “…..YEAH, STEVE!”

Alisha called me an asshole a lot.

During the first intermission, we went to the restroom, where I used the handicap stall after some older ginger woman in a mauve sweater inspected it and decided to pass. There was nothing wrong with it! She wound up in the stall next to me and when she sneezed loudly, I laughed out loud.

It made me feel bad at first, but later I spotted her across the ice on the visitor’s side, at which point I hoped she had heard me laugh and that she will now have a sneezing complex, fucking Duquesne bitch.

The second period was more of the same. We were hoping for a fight. I went so far as to hope someone would get their eye poked out and skidded across the ice. But it was during this period that Pitt scored and tied the game. I don’t know who scored, but I don’t think it was Steve, Brad or Mike. Actually, I’m pretty sure Mike was the goalie.

Duquesne has a midget on their team! A little fucking Napoleon named URSO. Hate him with me, everyone! Alisha pointed him out first. “Look at that small boy. He seems like he has an attitude, so I hate him.” I decided to hate him too, not so much for the solidarity, but because I hate short people. No I’m kidding.

I just hate midgets.

A Pitt student in a fuzzy yellow pullover, with a ditzy-looking brunette at his side, walked past us to take a seat in Section O (for those unfamiliar with the seat chart, that is O for Obnoxious). One of the boys behind me yelled, “HEY MIKE!” at which point Yellow Pullover turned to the side and acknowledged him with a drunken smile. Then under his breath, the boy behind me goes, “Oooh, I’m telling Michelle!” and I took that to mean that the ditzy-looking brunette was not Michelle. And I was right! Because whoever that girl was, Mike is like, IN LOVE with her but she only wants to BE FRIENDS and poor Mike isn’t taking the hint. “I feel sorry for him,” the boy behind me said to his friend, another boy behind me.

So then I was finding myself all wrapped up in this drama that I was barely paying attention to the game and Alisha started asking me questions like, “Wait, what does icing mean again?” and all  I do was blurt  things out like, “THAT’S NOT MIKE’S GIRLFRIEND OMG!”

Then Mike came and sat behind us! And I learned that he’s taking O Chem and some random biology that he doesn’t even need but just because he wants to, and he said it with this dismissiveness like it was merely some intramural kickball and not a fucking pre-med requisite, and my brain just couldn’t process it because he just exuded dumbness. He didn’t know jack about hockey though and even asked, “So, like, do you have to like, try out for this team?”

During the third period, I noticed that some cock roast on the enemy side was standing up and pantomiming in the direction of Section O. Then! Then, a boy from Section O started doing all these flashy finger-flippings back at the other guy and I was like, “Wow, finally maybe some shit will go down,” and I tapped Alisha on the shoulder to alert her of the drama but they had both stopped by then and she totally didn’t believe me.

“It’s true! That guy over there was gesticulating wildly and then this guy was all—”

“Shut up, I don’t believe you.” And then! Then she goes, “And I think it’s safe to say that none of my other friends ever say the things you say.” She wouldn’t tell me if that was good or bad and I found myself feeling paranoid and insecure.

Anyway, 3676489730954 penalties later, the game went into OT and we won less than a minute in! I was so excited about it, I don’t really know why. I don’t actually have much loyality invested in the Panthers, but at $5 a ticket, I’d sure go to another game.

For the remainder of the month, I’m donating 15% of all Somnambulant sales to Haiti. I know it’s not much, and I’m hoping that once I work a little bit and help Henry catch up around here, maybe I can give some more. So, I don’t know – have a look around my little shop if you want!

In other Somnambulant news, I was interviewed by Amber over at A Whole Lot of Whatever. In true Erin fashion, I had a thousand things going on around me, so I’m sure it’s peppered with nonsense.

And in ERIN news, I’m supposed to be meeting my sister tonight for the first time ever. I thought I would be scared, but I woke up feeling excited. Hopefully it pans out and I’ll have a great story to share with you guys!

That’s all I have for today, unless you want the rest of this post to be a hundred sentences like this: “OMG LAST NIGHT’S HOCKEY GAME WAS FANTASTIC!”

Now I have to try and “work” and pray that Chooch isn’t naked on the roof.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:30 Today, I’m pretending Lady Gaga is coming for dinner & Henry is making personal pumpkin pies in the shapes of spiked dildos. It’ll be fab. #
• 16:29 Seriously, how the fuck do you delete an Etsy shop?? I’m clearly too stupid to figure it out. #
• 17:27 My child won’t talk to me b/c he’s “tired of this shit, Mommy” but then he angrily spat “I love you, ok?!” I feel like I’m in a film noir. #
• 17:27 @MrsBsConfession that’s just absurd & insulting ! #
• 17:29 Witness! Check out my voice recording: voicesapp.com/sn4vwu #
• 20:15 Let’s go #pens! #
• 20:49 Chooch & I have a joint Xmas list & a Dippin’ Dot ice cream maker is definitely on it. #
• 22:25 I still don’t get WTF girls saw in Jaromir Jagr. Unless I just never learned the equation where mullet + snaggle-teeth = wet panties. #NHL #
• ***
• 13:41 The lovely @mrsevils sure has a great way of lifting my spirits! I just got the motherlode from her; Chooch & I don’t know where to start! #
• 13:50 Ayo! Candy up in the hizzy! yfrog.com/33oanlj #
• 13:51 Double fisting. yfrog.com/4ad46dj #
• ***
• 09:04 The more previews I see for MTV’s Teen Mom, the more similarities I see between them & my own parenting style. #
• 14:55 Our duplex is for sale & a realtor is walking someone thru it tonight. We tried to pretend I have h1n1 to deter them; mission failed. #
• 16:27 At least the situation has inspired Henry to clean. #
• 17:07 Chooch & Henry had an argument; now Chooch is collecting Henry’s personal effects to throw in the garbage. #
• 17:36 Chooch just gave a friendly & informative tour of our house all while in the comfort of his underroos. #
• 19:57 Hay look @ the dumb! Don’t Forget Your Holiday Cards: Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade noncompo… bit.ly/6CK9a2 #
• ***
• 00:42 Christmas seems to be approaching so quickly, but December 30th feels so far away. #
• 01:29 1:26am and I called Henry upstairs to inspect the bedroom closet because I was sure I heard the neighbor crouching in there. #
• 01:33 Was told to turn up radio so not to fixate on the floor creaking under my killer. I’m coming to your house to sleep; I’ll bring a pillow. #
• 11:23 For the first time in the 12 yrs of living on my own, I’m getting a Xmas tree. This is a good way to end a shitty year. #
• 15:01 My 3year old can surf the Internet, shop on Etsy, buy apps for my iPhone but god forbid he should comprehend the proper way to play Memory. #
• 16:29 I hate Home Depot. I hate Home Depot. I hate Home Depot. #
• 16:37 Henry is crying because the tree I chose is far superior to his pathetic choice. yfrog.com/33456qj #
• 16:39 Even Chooch is helping secure the tree to the car roof while I stand worthlessly off to the side, tweeting. #
• 19:41 My two favorite hockey teams are playing against each other tonight. I love you Matt Duchene, but I gotta side with the #Pens. #
• 19:44 I will clap covertly under my pillow if Duchene scores, though. Don’t tell. #NHL #
• 19:58 Not sure what the proper response is when your 3yo says you make him nervous but laughing evidently was not the way to go. #
• 22:11 It’s going to be a true test telling these “Jersey Shore” assholes apart. Aside from that, I already love this show. But you knew that. #
• 22:31 Henry just learned the reason for my December 30th anticipation and duly frowned. Real World DC, holla! #
• 22:38 I’m preparing to go all Brady/Horton family on these ornaments. (That’s a DAYS OF O UR LIVES reference for those of you with lives.) #
• ***
• 12:38 Henry reminded me how lucky I am that I don’t have to milk a cow every morning because i’d die. PERSPECTIVE. #
• 13:16 Henry, you can nap anytime. There are NHLicious Christmas tree ornaments waiting somewhere to be boughtededed. Let’s go. #
• 16:39 Had I lost my hearing in the factory explosion of ’81, I wouldn’t have the pleasure of hearing this Target broad call her kid moomoo cow. #
• 17:44 Nothing like the holiday season to bring out the aesthetically challenged. This might be the year I start ticketing Xmas light fouls. #
• 19:19 I need a brick, tin foil, Fixadent, a dead nun’s pacemaker, a slap bracelet & some Lee Press Ons. I’m making a tree topper, obviously. #
• 19:28 Watching Lach & Bouchard jerseys retired; they’re so old & cute it’s making me catch the humanity bug & cry a little. #NHL #
• 19:30 And I’m not sure they know they’r e at a hockey rink in Canada & not at God’s surprise party in Heaven’s really cold strip club. #
• 21:28 Hay look @ the dumb! Still thanks-giving, a week and a day later: In spite of everything going on with my grandma,… bit.ly/4Jcv8p #
• 21:44 It’s good to see the Canadiens playing so well on such a special night for them. Tim Thomas is going to skin albino babies after this one. #
• 21:46 When Henry came home at the start of the 2nd period, I joked that it was 6-0 instead of 1-0. 15minutes later & it very nearly is. Go Habs! #
• 22:46 Henry finally got his wish & will be partaking in a cookie exchange. I’m trying to lay low with the jokes because this benefits me well. #
• ***
• 17:51 I’m going to a Pens game tonite; trying not to be too annoying abt it. Last time I went I was 17 & started a fight w/ 3 guys from Buffalo. #
• 17:54 The tree so far. Trying to coax Henry into donating a testicle to use as a tree topper. Not going so well. yfrog.com/33mtirj #
• 19:08 Holla!!!! yfrog.com/4fl87rj #
• 19:20 It smells so good in here. #
• 19:58 I guess it’s a standing tradition for fans of the opposing team to be sitting behind me. #
• 21:25 I could burst I have so many snide remarks building up. #
• 22:09 Little Chicago bitches behind me left. Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh. #pens #NHL #
• 22:50 Pens lost in overtime but goddamn was that a fun time. I didn’t even lose my temper at any Blackhawk fans. Not sure if maturity is to blame. #
• ***
• 00:36 Realized my tree has a bunch of Stars of David dangling from its boughs. I need to represent some Kwanzaa now or I won’t be able to sleep. #
• 10:00 I would totally eat sausage for Giada DiLaurentis if she invited me to her holiday dinner party. #
• 12:14 Gun shot wound or jail t ime. I choose jail. Alisha would take the bullet. #
• 12:15 Although I also choose fashion over warmth. #
• 14:13 Alisha’s shitting on every toy I want for Xmas by saying it’s a waste of money; she’s telling Santa to get me a Hannah Montana throw. :( #

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The proposition of “Let’s go downstairs” seemed innocent enough. No, that’s a lie. I was actually quite taken aback and had visions of being knifed/blackmailed/tickled/forced to lick a shoe until I caught Alisha shaking her pack of cigarettes at me.

We were at her friend Mark’s apartment, watching the Penguins game, eating pizza and quickly drankin’ our way through three bottles of wine.

“I’ll come too,” Mark decided, since the first period had just ended. He and Alisha grabbed their wine glasses. Not wanting to seem like some wino who can’t be without a glass in her hand for five minutes, I left mine on the table.

I had never met Mark before, but he was very affable from the get-go and had good vanilla handsoap in his bathroom. And even though I usually get annoyed with girls who watch sports for the eye-candy factor, it wasn’t annoying when Mark gushingly admitted to thinking Sidney Crosby is cute.

After Alisha and only Alisha finished her cigarette because she was the only one smoking, not me, I don’t smoke, Mark swung his keys in his hand and went to unlock the front door.

“Oh, shit,” he spat. Alisha and I stood there waiting for an explanation, but all he had to do was open his hand to expose my car keys dangling from his finger.

Mark lives with his brother, who conveniently was in Ohio for the weekend. And of course, Mark’s phone was in the apartment, watching the hockey game that had resumed by that point. His landlord’s number was in his phone, along with his brother’s, which he didn’t know off by heart. Through a phone relay, Mark managed to acquire his landlord’s number, and it naturally went straight to voicemail.

And then a bunch of panicking happened. At one point, we found ourselves sitting in my car, where we at least learned that the score was 3-0 Penguins. I emitted a dialed-back, near-silent “yay….

” accompanied by a watered-down roof-raise, because I had a feeling maybe Mark was a little bit too stressed for someone to be punching the roof of a car in jubilation.

“I can always ask one of my neighbors for a ladder,” Mark postulated. Moments before, we had scoped out the back of the house. He lives on the second floor, and there’s a small roof beneath his kitchen window, which he admitted to not locking. Standing on the sidewalk in front of his neighbor’s house, Mark turned to us and asked, “Before I go and ask for a ladder, will one of you actually climb it?”

My hand shot up to the sky. “Me! I’ll do it.” I could sense Alisha looking at me in surprise. But probably it was adoration.

“Hold my glass,” Mark said, shoving it at Alisha’s hand. As he turned to walk to the neighbor’s house, I started jumping up and down in excitement.

“This is fantastic! I’m so excited!” I squealed.

But Alisha, turning somber, placed her hands on my shoulders. “I just want to say that, of all my friends, I am so glad that it’s you here tonight. You are the bravest person I know, and I feel safe in your presence. When this first happened, in fact, I thought to  myself, ‘A-Prid, you need to calm yourself right down, girlfriend. You’re going to be fine. Erin’s here, and she’s like MacGyver. She will get us through  this. And then you’ll have the rest of your life to bake her chocolate-covered rewards.'”

And then she thrust one of the empty wine glasses at me so she wouldn’t be mistaken for a drunken sidewalk-bound hobo.

Able to procure a ladder, Mark tramped around to the backyard. I followed, beginning to feel the onset of nerves manifesting as prickles in my fingertips. The ladder was sprawled out on the shadowed grass with Mark muttering, “How do you open this thing?” while I scoped out (with eyes stretched out to the size of porn-industry standardized tits) all the things I could potentially impale myself on. Like literal wooden stakes that were used to prop up flowers.

The ladder was opened to its fullest potential and propped against the back of the house. Making sure Alisha and Mark had firm grips on either side, I began my ascent. It was a wobbly ascent. The ground below seemed uneven and I can’t say I felt very secure. But I thought about some really awesome things to help me get through it and by the second rung I was already pretending I was on one of the Real World / Road Rules Challenges, about to win $10,000 for my team and a snowboard I’ll never use. And then I remembered my team was Mark and Alisha and I won’t lie – I considered throwing the challenge.

By the fourth rung, I began ruing the fact that I left my wine on the coffee table.

By the fifth rung, it occured to me that no one asked Mark why he wasn’t shimmying up to the roof to save us. I already knew why Alisha wasn’t – she’s not a team player. And also, I think she once told me she was raped by a ladder one time? Maybe I dreamt that? Oh right, I remember now what it was – she’s allergic to heroism.

I vaguely remember hearing forced and monotoned words of encouragement, in the style of “Bad Actor Reads From Cue Card.” Supportive gems such as “Oh yay. You are. Doing.  A great. Job. Yay. Woo.” and “Don’t worry if the a/c unit falls on you! I don’t care about it!” and “I see that weather vane just plunged into your thigh. Can you try to not get any blood on the walls though? Thanks.”

Finally, I was at the top. The only thing left for me to do was turn to my right and swing my body onto the roof. And for the record, I’d like to point out that from the ground, the roof looked flat. But with it half a foot in front of my face, I was able to see that it had a slight peak to it. Awesome. But I had two people below counting on me, and without even swearing once (I KNOW RIGHT), I did a gentle dive over the gutter, where I then landed with the grace of a prima ballerina. And I won’t even remark on how the ladder simultaneously started sliding to the left, except that I just did.

Crab-walking to the kitchen window, it dawned on me that I never thought about what I’d do if I couldn’t get the window open. No way was I going back down that ladder. I once sat in a treehouse for hoursbecause I was too scared to come down the ladder. Granted, I was four. But I haven’t grown up much. I was able to slide up the screen with ease, but the window was more stubborn.

Every time I would get a good grip on it with my palms, the top half of the window would jiggle, and I’ve watched enough Dario Argento movies to know that this is not a good sign. Finally, I held my breath and pushed up as hard as I could. The bottom window slid up high enough for me to drop my forearms under it and finally have something other than clammy palms to use as leverage.

And then something that had been hanging on the inside of the window fell and made a loud enough crash for Mark to scream from the ground, “Do NOT break my Fiestaware!” This was right as I was swinging a leg onto the ledge and kicked a bowl that had been placed decoratively on the sill. My arm shot out and grabbed it, which was probably enough of a talent-display to play for the STEELERS. Just as I set the bowl out of harm’s way, my other leg was en route though the gaping window and kicked another Fiesta piece. I saved that one too. I may be clumsy, but ain’t no one ever said nothin’ about bad reflexes. Safely in the kitchen, I straightened up the Fiestaware collection and noticed that the first thing that fell was actually a stained glass window hanging. A quick examination learned me it was unscathed. A good thing, as I would later learn it was the first piece of stained glass Mark made.

There was two and a half minutes left to the second period. I got to see Max Talbot attempt a penalty shot as I poured another glass of wine.

“Hey Mark, you know what’s funny?” I said once he returned from taking back the ladder. “I’ve never climbed a ladder before.” And oh, how we laughed. This was when Mark admitted to not wanting to climb it because he was wearing slippers. And really I have to agree that my ballet flats are way better for house-scaling.

It’s crazy to think about what might have happened had I not succeeded. We’d probably have had to fashion an igloo from leaves and Alisha’s cigarette butts, catch some rats to cook with her lighter. Maybe we could have eventually started a brand new colony down by the river. Oh, the homeless have already done that? Shit.

The “how” isn’t important, but I found Alisha’s diary entry from that night.

With all the roof-raising I do, it was only natural that I would wind up on a roof someday.

This is a reminder why I love hockey, posted mainly for my own sake.

You guys. I never thought I would say this, as someone who was so firmly mired in the post-hardcore / Warped Tour / goth scene for so many years, but Henry and I attended the IHeartRadio Jingle Ball in Detroit and had a fantastic time!

Granted, we only went because not only was NCT Dream performing with Renjun who has returned from hiatus (he sat out the US tour they recently did in September and he is my Dream bias, so I was bummed about that) but Wonho, formerly of Monsta X and currently a fabulous solo artist was also going to be there! His first time in the US without Monsta X! Henry knew before I even told him that we were going to be attending our first Jingle Ball because of this.

Aside from Jason Derulo, I didn’t know any of the western artists on the Detroit line up (the line up varies by cities and we very luckily dodged a MEGHAN TRAINOR bullet, as she is appearing at several of the dates) but I didn’t care. I figured we’d stay for Wonho and NCT Dream and then leave.

But then, we were having such a good time, our seats were fantastic, there were no apparent dickheads around us, so I decided that we should stay for the whole thing. We paid enough $$$ for the seats, and if we left early, we’d probably just end up sitting in the hotel room watching Friends reruns.

I will write about Wonho and NCT Dream separately. In this post, I want to just talk about the other artists and how, while a bit of a culture shock to see western pop artists perform (LOL culture shock like I’m not actually American, I’m so fucking annoying even to myself, don’t worry guys – we share the same opinion about this blogger).

The lineup, in order from opening to headliner:

1. Isabel LaRosa
2. Wonho <3
3. Madison Beer
4. NCT Dream <3
5. Jason Derulo
6. Saweetie
7. Teddy Swims
8. Jack Harlow

First of all, the show stared PROMPTLY at 7:30. It was actually borderline jarring because the lights went out and then Isabel walked on stage to the backdrop of thumping bass. I thought this would be like K-Con where there’d be an MC or something that came out first to do their spiel. They did in fact have the local Top 40 radio DJs there, but they came out after Isabel’s set, which…I honestly thoroughly enjoyed. It was definitely giving “sex scene in a student-made horror film that we would have rented from Incredibly Strange Video circa 2002”, that is to say: SEEDY, SLEAZY, CREEPY.

At one point, her hockey jersey came off and she performed the rest of her 4 song set in just a tiny bra and shorts. It was something.

She has a song about “wanting someone older” and the music video for it played on the screen behind her. It of course showed her at a school and her costar was A TEACHER.

“It’s your favorite trope,” I shouted in Henry’s ear and he frowned so hard. He hated all the inappropriate, statutory rapey relationships that peppered the TV series Pretty Little Liars, which we used to watch together, particularly a main story line that involved one of the Liars and her ENGLISH TEACHER. Hooo boy, did that boil Henry’s blood, lol.

(Speaking of, the English teacher was recently in a Netflix Christmas movie with Lindsay Lohan and his girlfriend in that movie was also much younger and there were some “jokes” about that which made Henry frown in disappointment all over again haha.)

Also, I really liked that it was just her and her guitarist on stage. It was minimalistic and somehow still so loud and unnerving.

The more I thought about in the days after Jingle Ball, the more I realized how much I liked this (???) and that it sort of reminded me of the metal-adjacent female-fronted stuff I used to listen to in the early 00s.

Then came Madison Beer after Wonho. I knew A LITTLE about her, like the fact that Justin Bieber made her go viral when she was just 13 and he reposted a video of her singing. And that she was one of the voices for some League of Legends virtual group called K/DA, along with some other broad and two of the (G)-Idle members. So, she’s played a minor role in the kpop realm!

I was SHOCKED by her though because she clearly can SANG and her voice actually had somewhat of an old-fashioned sound to it that I truly appreciated because I’m so tired of these pop girls singing in their fake breathy baby voices a la Halsey.

Did she make me uncomfortable at times? Oh, you know it. Her performance was also sexually-charged but I guess that’s just always been the nature of American pop and I’m so out of the loop that it was like sugar shock.

I guess this song was nominated for a Grammy. I REALLY liked it live, but then later when I watched the video, I didn’t like it as much. But it really works so well as a live performance – I had never heard the song before but when it started, I was fully invested and borderline obsessed. It was dark and thumpy.

I do really appreciate the Jennifer’s Body theme of the music video though, and Jesus Christ she could be Megan Fox’s sister, seriously.

I don’t think Jason Derulo needs any intro! I was seriously shocked that he wasn’t headlining though, because out of everyone, he’s been around the longest and is arguably the most well-known. His set was really energetic and dance-y, and he did a medley of some of his most popular songs too since everyone was really only allotted enough time  to perform 4 songs – he found the loophole lol.

It was during this set though when it occurred to me that it really felt like being in a giant strip club – all of the performances so far (with the exception of NCT Dream, but also even Wonho to an extent lol) were just like living, gyrating, pelvic thrusting billboards for SEX! SEX! SEX! and the only thing missing was poles, honestly. It was entertaining but I think I am officially of the age where I was thankful I didn’t have a young kid in attendance with me.

I’m pretty sure a large portion of the crowd left after Jason.

Then came Saweetie. I didn’t take any pictures of her and my review will be short & s(a)weet(ie):

She is SO BEAUTIFUL. She looked amazing in her adorable little Christmas outfit.

Her DJ was repetitive and annoying.

I guess this is what girl rap sounds like now? Sort of….not rapping, no flow? I was bored with her set (when she was pretending to straddle and ride an imaginary “Big big Santa” was pretty fun though haha) – I grew up on DaBrat and Foxxy Brown so that’s my bar, I guess. Again, just basing this on what I saw that night – I haven’t listened to her in any other context aside from the song she did with IVE last year (which is the only reason I even know who she is).

Teddy Swims was really good but I could never sit through an entire concert of his, I don’t think. All of his songs blended together and I couldn’t stop laughing because he reminded me so much of Christina.

Also, and this pains me to admit but I said it out loud later that night when we were walking back to the hotel, but I still think that the best male singer in North America, maybe even all of the western world, is fucking Jonny Craig. UGH. This Teddy Swims guy has A Voice, but he’s no Jonny Craig. It’s sad because if Jonny hadn’t made such poor life decisions, he could be a household name at this point and not still playing at tiny hole in the wall clubs in his 40s.

But yeah, enjoyed Teddy Swims more than I expected (when I looked up him prior to this and saw the genres he was known for, I scoffed, “YEAH NO I’M NOT GONNA LIKE THIS DOUCHEBAG.”) and at least I can admit this!?

Jack Harlow – whose name I knew but knew nothing else – was the last to perform. He came strutting out on stage alone in chinos and a fucking fitted black sweater like he just left his cubicle in the IT Dept. And then he started….rapping? Is that what that was? I have no idea but all I could think was, “Who the fuck is this white nerd?” You guys, I didn’t like him at all. Henry didn’t either. We were both pulling stank-face until I threw in the towel after two….songs? Whatever you want to call it. I turned to Henry and said, “Yeah, I’m ready to go if you are” and he was like, “TWIST MY ARM” as he practically pushed me out of my seat and into the aisle in his eagerness to never have to hear Jack Harlow again.

(When we were walking up the steps to leave our section, Jack was in the middle of talking to the audience and even that was getting on my nerves. “Oh boy and he’s a talker,” I mumbled and Henry made the “Pffft” sound in agreement with me because Henry always agrees with me unless I‘m pulling a runner at the eye doctor and then suddenly he’s dying on the Bittel Vision hill.)

We had a pleasant walk back to the hotel – there were cops at every intersection so we felt safe to be walking the several blocks back rather than take the hotel shuttle which Henry asked SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT at the hotel for us to just not bother using it lololol. Then we hit up the vending machines before going back to the room and I was SHOCKED that there was nary a Faygo in sight. Detroit!!

Oh, we also walked around the casino a few times because I thought I had seen a sign for gelato in one of our earlier strolls and it made me laugh that we had made at least 4 laps around the whole casino throughout the day and didn’t even consider to pull a lever on a machine. My brother Ryan, a huge Vegas aficionado, would have SHUDDERED TO THINK.

(My last two blog post titles ended in “Things” so I felt compelled to keep with the theme.)

Anyway!!! I woke up so excited yesterday because it was the official “Chooch Comes Home” day! We can’t trust him with basic things so Henry urged him to leave for the airport around noon even though his flight wasn’t until 6ish lol. He texted me around 1:30 to sarcastically thank me because he had made it through TSA super quick and was now faced with about 5 hours to kill hahaha. But I was relieved that he was at least where he needed to be and I could stop worrying about him arriving late and missing his flight.

And yes, I had begun nagging him a full week ago about not forgetting to bring his passport.

Just doing my job!

He randomly sent me this and it cracked me up because ew football. I asked him who took the picture and he said some random guy. Did Chooch actually….ASK for someone to take his picture? Please someone tell me who is this kid, FOR I DO NOT KNOW.

I was practically bouncing myself out of my desk chair all day, in anticipation. I wanted to leave for the airport as soon as I logged off from work at 5:30 but Henry was like HE HAS NOT EVEN BOARDED YET and Chooch was like THE PLANE ISN’T EVEN HERE YET. Boarding was delayed by nearly an hour, which was making me lose my mind.

As soon as Henry saw that the plane was over Harrisburg, he was like, “OK fine, we can leave for the airport now.” YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!

Even though there was an hour delay, he still somehow landed only 10 minutes later than scheduled. I hated almost every single person who walked past us while we were waiting, btw. Just lots of people I could tell that I would hate if I had to:

• live near them
• work with them
• stand in line somewhere with them

Henry was lecturing me about judging books by their cover (OK Mr. Rogers). But then he said, “Look, there’s Mark Madden” and I actually truly do hate that guy, so….see?!?!

(I used to listen to A LOT of sports radio when I was an uber hockey stan.)

As soon as Chooch texted me that he was on the shuttle, I got my phone ready like Dispatch in South Korea waiting for G-Dragon’s airport arrival. Chooch was T H R I L L E D.

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There was no hugging or anything like that – Chooch would never. LOL. And as soon as we got in the car, he read us a literal list of demands. Mostly necessities so I was OK with it, but then of course he tacked on, “and an iPhone 16” at the end, lol. Go away.

“I have to write a profile on someone for English while I’m home—” he started to say, to which I interrupted by shooting my hand into the air and grunting, “Oooh! Ooooh!” and he quickly cut me off with a curt, “Not you.”

WOW.

I guess he is going to ask the lady in charge of the Brookline teen center. Even though I am entirely more interesting, but OK.

I made him pose for a picture by the renovated Chooch Wall and when I said, “Ugh, smile properly!” this is what I got. He thought he did it fast enough that I wouldn’t get it BUT I DID and immediately posted it on Instagram much to his chagrin. :D

He had plans to hang out with his friend Isai but I made him watch the G-Dragon/BIGBANG performance from MAMA first and he actually sat through it and made comments like, “Is Seungri going to come out too?” KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THAT WOULD TRIGGER ME. But then when it was the BANG BANG BANG performance and G-Dragon come out with a new outfit on, Chooch goes, “UGH that is totally how he dressed me that one time!” and I knew exactly what he was referring to because I too made the comparison!

Also, Penelope seems mad that he is home. She was legit glaring at him on the steps last night and I said, “That’s because you’re her abuser!” He’s always telling her she looks like a rat and that she stinks!

I can’t wait to barely see him while he’s home!