Standing in line for Flying Turns at Knoebel’s two weeks ago, Chooch spotted a kid at the front of the line, wearing a bacon costume.

“Wouldn’t it be funny if his name was Kevin?” Chooch asked, laughing. “And he’s wearing a BACON costume?” He was beside himself with laughter at this point. “GET IT, MOMMY? KEVIN…BACON!?”

YES I GET IT! GOD.

He watched Footloose once last year so obviously Mr. Bacon has been on Chooch’s radar ever since. I mean, it’s Kevin-fucking-Bacon.

In fact, earlier that same day, as Henry was driving around the town of Danville, PA in circles, Chooch piped up from the backseat, “Don’t Kevin Bacon your way around.” It makes less and less sense the more you think about it, but goddamn did we laugh at the time!

And then, after seeing the bacon kid at Knoebel’s, Chooch said that’s what he wanted to be for Halloween: a bacon suit with a Hello My Name Is: Kevin name tag. You guys. Finally. A simple goddamn Halloween costume. With two weeks to go! No makeup needed! No DIY crossbows or cardboard boxes to turn to mush in the rain! No ONELASTTHING that has one of us running to CVS 15 minutes before trick-or-treating begins.

Last weekend, we went to the Halloween store and bought the bacon costume. I had no problem spending $30 on it because even though it seems like we’re being so economical with all of our DIY costumes of Halloween-past, all the bits and pieces that we have to collect from Goodwill and eBay add up, not to mention the stress of putting it all together. But the best part was the Chooch was so excited and proud of this costume! I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he’s not the first person to do this. But he might be the first 8-year-old to come up with the idea on his own!

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Halloween was a wet mess. It started raining late-morning and basically never let up, so the parade at Chooch’s school was moved to the gym. At first I was really pissed off about the parade in general because Henry kept saying he would probably be able to make it but of course at the last minute, his mistress showed up a truck driver showed up at work, so he couldn’t leave in time to make the parade. But then when I got to the school, I quickly forgot about being mad because THE GYM TEACHER WAS THERE AND I AM SO HOT FOR THAT GUY! So instead of sending Henry death-threats via text, I occupied myself with taking stealth-shots of my gym teacher crush while Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” played on a loop in my slutty head.

Don’t worry! There was still room for me to judge 3/4 of the parents in the room.

The parade only lasted about 15 minutes. Once the adults realized Chooch’s entire costume, there was a ton of snickering and he seemed pleased. I figured most people assumed this was a costume that his bossy parents forced on him.

“None of your friends are going to get it,” I told him the other day.

“No…but the teachers will,” he shrugged. Because that’s all he cares about: impressing grown-ups.

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It was still raining by the time trick-or-treating started and I was completely upset about it. Chooch didn’t give a fuck, but I was all, “HALLOWEEN IS RUINED! AGAIN! WAHHHH!” But really it was because I was mad that I had half-assed a baby doll costume (I was wearing a donuts-in-space baby doll dress, even) and then had to cover everything up with a rainjacket, ugh. I hate everything!

Anyway. We wound up going around the neighborhood with our neighbor Sam and her son, Markie. Markie is kind of like the little brother that Chooch always says he wants until he spends too much time with Markie and then he turns into a little jerk-bully and it is so infuriating. I hate kids with superiority complexes and Chooch definitely has one that rears its head every now and then. I spent most of the time saying things like, “CAN’T YOU JUST BE NICE?! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO MARKIE? STOP BEING A JERK.”

Ugh.

Stop making me be a MOM on HALLOWEEN.

Henry was absolutely no help whatsoever.

Markie’s mom has trick-or-treating on LOCK. She would quickly point out if they missed a house or if they only took one when the sign said TAKE TWO and she was on top of things when it came to crossing the street. Have you seen me cross the street? Thank god for Markie’s mom.

A few Halloweens ago, Chooch completely bit it down a set of stairs not unlike these ones. And this year, he was practically making the trek in a DRESS. He did fall once, not down any steps at least, and Markie’s mom was on top of it. That’s just one of the reasons why everyone assumed she was my kid’s mom that night.

Sigh.

AFTER THIS HOUSE GO TO THAT HOUSE. DON’T WALK THROUGH THEIR YARD! YOU MISSED THAT HOUSE! THE LIGHT IS OFF BUT THERE IS A BOWL ON THE PORCH!!!!

Ah, the sounds of hyper-bossy trick-or-treating parents. They should have their own show on TLC.

And I thought Henry was a candy-fetching militant.

Seriously, Chooch’s costume. It’s like a breakfast gown. I had the ingenious foresight to pin it up, but that brilliant mom-idea came the day before, so by Halloween, I had forgotten to do it. But still, people freaked out over his costume. One lady even asked to take his picture. I was happy to stand in the background and not take any credit. This was all Chooch and I let him have it all. (There were times when people would laugh and say to each other, “Oh, he’s bacon, how cute” and, after fisting their candy bowl, he would snap, “I’m KEVIN Bacon” and then sauntered away while they let that sink in.

Toward the end of the night, we parted ways with the neighbors, and if there was a house Chooch felt like skipping, we let him skip the everloving FUCK out of it. It was cold and wet and we wanted to go home and eat candy, you know? Leave us alone.

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All in all, it was a pretty “meh” Halloween, and I hate the word “meh” so now you know how “meh”-ish Halloween must have been for me to say it was “meh.” Chooch was kind of like, “I have a headache, can we be done now?” with about 30 minutes left to go and I wanted to go to a haunted house afterward but Henry was all, “YOU HAVE BEEN TO ENOUGH GODDAMN HAUNTED HOUSES, DAUGHTER” and it just didn’t feel like Halloween, you guys. The weather was so dreary and I was tired and something just felt…off. It felt off the whole entire month, if we’re being honest with each other here. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on it: Did I not watch enough horror movies? Didn’t go to enough haunted houses? Was it because we didn’t carve pumpkins (or even BUY any for that matter)? Not enough pointless trips to the Halloween store?

It hit me over the weekend. I miss my mom. My stupid fucking mommy. Wait. Let me rephrase that: I miss the person my mom used to be. You guys, she had a lot of really great moments, and Halloween was always one of them. She was so into it: our yard decorations were on point. My homemade costumes were award-winning. She’d host costume parties for her friends and she would make sure the cheese trays never ran out of perfectly-cubed bites of colby and cheddar. And when I was older, we would have Halloween bonfires at her house, all of my friends and my brother Ryan’s friends, with beer and Woodchuck and autumnal revelry…and it hasn’t been the same since then. I try to distract myself with all of the haunted houses and the crazy-detailed Halloween desk themes at work, and it mostly works. It does! But that slippery depression is there in the shadows, waiting for me to forget to busy myself for a few minutes so that it can slip in and remind me of everything that I try so hard to forget.

Next year, I’ll just have to try harder.

A few weeks ago, Janna and I were in the car, talking about dementia and memory-loss in general, and I mentioned that one of the main reasons why I blog is because I am so goddamn scared of forgetting. I jokingly tweeted not too long ago that my #1 blogging tip is to blog like no one is reading, because probably no one is. But all joking aside, it’s true: I don’t blog because I want to be some creepy Internet celebrity and I certainly don’t expect anyone to give a shit about my life or what bands I’m currently into or what weird fruit I just ate. But some people do and I’m thankful for the friends I’ve made through my sloppily-typed words!

The point is that this is like a time capsule for me. So I do get stressed out occasionally when there is something that I want to blog about but haven’t found time and then before I know it, a month has passed and I find myself questioning if it’s even still worth it. The answer is yes. Memories are always worth it! Blah blah blah, you’ve read all of this before.

But the memory-aspect makes me think about Chooch. I know he might not see it this way right now, but someday, when he’s a grown-up, he might be happy that he guest-blogged on here about haunted houses or losing a raffle at the Hollywood Theater.

So lately, I have been trying to gently nudge him toward blogging here and there. I think in addition to helping him retain his memory, it also provides an outlet for him to constructively vent and express his opinion (which is what he did last night and then said he felt better after!), all while also being a valuable education tool. (Hello, spelling & stuff.) Chooch gets all huffy about it, and I don’t want to nag him like Henry nags me (oh god, even I couldn’t type that with a straight face), so I have found that a good way to go about this is promising to play Call of Duty: Ghosts with him.

He loves that game and I think it’s stupid.

I love blogging and he thinks it’s stupid.

So this is the trade-off: him asking me how to spell certain words and me asking him how to aim my fucking gun. Me playing Call of Duty is apparently so pathetic and hilarious, that Henry sometimes likes to sit there and watch as I murder the FUCK out of brick walls and the sky. Chooch likes to play “gun game,” which took me a long time to figure out means that you start with a shitty gun and then upgrade to better guns as you kill people. Except that it’s virtually impossible for me to get any kills with this gun because you have to get all up on your target and I can’t do that without getting a cap in my ass. So I sit there and bitch about it and then Henry will sometimes defend me by telling Chooch he’s being mean for making “making your mother play ‘gun game’l when everyone knows I suck too much to get a better gun.

Chooch thinks this is fucking hilarious and will laugh to the point of pants-pissing. And then he’ll say shit like, “I saw someone standing there and I got scared….then I realized it was just Mommy, HAHAHA” because I’m the furthest thing from a threat in this dumbass game. And then Chooch’s favorite part is the end where it shows everyone’s score and I’m always ranked last with zero kills and 618182 deaths (sometimes less if I can find a place to camp).

“It’s not my fault!” I cry. “What the fuck do you expect when I’m playing with Fisher Price: My First Gun?! It’s like goddamn Santa left it under the Xmas tree for me!” And then Chooch dies laughing but I’m really mad! He fucking cheats!

And then Henry yelled at me for saying I shot some guy in the dick and I was like “BUT I DID!” And he calmly said, “No. Another guy shot him. And then shot you.”

I am so awful at this game.

But then yesterday I was at work and I found myself THINKING ABOUT CALL OF DUTY. I really like the Mexican map with the pretty cemetery!

And then, the other night, Chooch asked me if he can just have his own blog.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US.

I HATE EVERYTHING!!! First, We walked to The Hollywood Theater to watch Halloween. There was a Michael Myers statue that moves but doesn’t have the knife. Sadly! We got Popcorn and M&M’S. Also we got Raffle Tickets 2 raffle Tickets. Next, We were watching the movie. These kids said to Tommy a little boy that the Boogy Man was going to come after him. Tommy kept saying he saw the Boogy Man but it was Michael Myers. The Sheriff came in this house that the babysitter that baby sitted Tommy came in because Michael was in there and at the end of the movie The Sheriff shot Michael in the head about 16 time and Michael fell off of the balcony. He looked down and Michael was gone. Last, The movie ended and it was time for Raffle the last prize was a Michael Myers mask and we were 716770 and the winner was 2 Goth people with the number 716771 I freaked the eff out! I almost cried I said to mommy for the Goth people to BURN IN HELL!!! I knew they were Goth because they had black hair,the makeup Goth people wear, and they were black spiked shoes. Finally, We walked out and I forgot my jacket and a bunch of people came out and Brad and his Fiancee Casey I told them everything I was so mad about! I calmed down after passing the Fragile Stuffs store because there was a FLUFFY NICE KITTY CAT THAT WAS BLACK AND FREAKING WHITE!!! We were walking home and we ran half the way and on the other side of the street there was the scary guy that was like “Have you ever tried WEED? I HAS IT WAS SO GOOD ALSO HAVE YOU EVER HAD WHISKEY? That’s good to! I just got high and drunk yesterday!” (That’s not really what he said he was singing Ring Around The Rosy like a Drunk and high idiotic moron. We thought Henry was going to be in his underwear playing Xbox1 but he wasn’t. We got home and Henry was like HOLD ON! Because we were banging on the door! I told him everything and he was like You would of won if I was there. JK I never win anything! We would of won actually! Because we would of had 3 tickets and the one would be 716771 and we would of won! Laugh Out Loud!!! Wow that was a horrible and dreadful day.

CASTLE BLOOD:

I like the castle blood this year. First,  We got back from Knoebles and I was fricking tired.  We got FREE Tickets, Yay! So we went in and this guy was telling us stuff. He said we were on a quest to find a Broken Heart, Blue Sapphire, and a Brain. He asked who wanted to be the leader I said I wanted to. So we were walking and I held Erin’s hand. Next, We entered this Gravely’s Office and a Butler was cleaning Gravely’s desk and bookshelf. He gave us a ghost named Destiny she with us to protect us. Then we went into a Mausoleum where there we bones of animals, mermaids, and human skin. This guy said is we looking for anything and I said “Yes a Blue Sapphire. a Broken Heart, and a Brain. He said that we wouldn’t want the blue sapphire because it was stolen and said you wouldn’t want a stolen sapphire would you? We said no. So he gave me the thief’s hand. And we went on with our journey. Last, We went into the Gypsy Room but before that I got a ring from some girl to give to the gypsy. So we went in and I had to go sit on a chair and give her the ring but it wasn’t hers. So we went into the next room and there was a girl showing us the rings she got from her husband that she killed after. She said she was missing one so I gave the I had. That was the one she lost. She gave me a broken heart because the ring I gave her was from someone that left her. After that we entered the Cemetery and that was the last part and nothing really happened there then we went into the Gift Shop and I lost the Broken Heart there and so I got a FREE Pumpkin. I was bad after that and I had to go to bed when we went home. All in all, Castle Blood Is awesome the way it is now.

WEST DEER NIGHTMARE:

West Deer Nightmare was good and cool this year. We were in line and my shoe was untied and so I went into the light and I heard people laughing so I looked beside me and there was a clown standing right next to me. I said “Good day mate.” and then said “Hows your day mate?” Then I walked back in line. It took awhile to get to the front but then we did a lady opened a door and made us watch a video of dead people like Lizzie Borden’s mom and dad. I got a flashlight and kept shining it in GODFORBID HENRY’S eyes and he was pissed off. Then we went to an adult with a baby mask on and it was acting like a baby too. It was following us and mommy was so scared I laughed. We came into this room where there were REAL people under blankets, (Maybe they were supposed to come out) but they were sleeping. We were walking and Freddy Kruger came out of the wall and I said “Hi.” and then “Bye!” Mommy was scared. We went into this room where nothing happened but then I gave the flashlight back. (We were outside now) I warned mommy there was something behind us but she didn’t listen. Then about 5 seconds later VROOOOM VROOM (That’s my chainsaw noise) I ran so it could get mommy and GODFORBID HENRY. But it kept coming after me! Thats how good or may i say cool West Deer Nightmare was!

HAUNTED EXPEDITIONS:

It was so awesome! But daddy didn’t want to go because he was being a wussy but then he realized he was to jealous and didn’t want to be a wussy and be on NBC News! We went on a hayride but it wasn’t a hayride it a trail. We waited in line for about 20 mins. But this guy with a pumpkin mask tried to scare mommy but i ruined it because i kept saying Hi to him. He was talking to me about the Krampus and scared me about the Krampus. We went in  and watched a video of the rules and then walked mommy got scared about 500,000,000 times. One time she got scared i peed my pants. No really i actually did. I’m not joking. Then we came to this thing that popped out from behind a tree and scared mommy so bad she ran and punched me in  the face. Oh god I hate her! Then a WEREWOLF came out and scared mommy I tripped, fell down the hill and Henry was so mad he yelled at me and said GET UP kind of like SHUT THE DOOR if you’ve never seen Erin’s Youtube.  Then the manager scared us! Then we waited for the other group. He went to go scare them and so I did too. I was the last scare. The manager said F*** and he said sorry i’m so sorry but mommy said i don’t care he has a mouth on him. So he said I mean FIDDLESTICKS. The hayride came back to pick us up and so we went on and drove and this guy came out of the woods and said Wheres Angie? WHERES ANGIE? Angie was scared and he saw her and pulled her into the woods. And daddy lost his hat on a tree like a LOSEERR*. That’s how cool and awesome I think Haunted Expeditions is.

 *(Erin here: Normally I wouldn’t care if Henry lost his hat because they’re just dumb Faygo hats but this time it was an EMAROSA VERSUS HAT! Luckily, the nice Haunted Expeditions kid leapt off the wagon like a goddamn hero, found the hat and rode his trusty golf cart back to the parking lot, where Henry’s dumb head was reunited with the best goddamn beanie in the world. PEACE OUT, BITCHES.)

I have been dying to go back to Knoebel’s ever since I was there on opening day in 2013 with the DAFE crew. I know this sounds weird coming from the likes of me, and that this is the opposite of what I should like, but this park is ADORABLE. It’s all quaint and family-friendly, far away from the Big City and rife with fluffy dogs on leashes. And that’s just on a regular day! They have Halloween-themed weekends in October, so Henry earned a million brownie points (do those still exist? is there an app to keep track of them now?) by taking us there last weekend.

It was goddamn precious. Leaves on the ground. Hay bales painted like pumpkins. Ghosts hanging from the trees. A Halloween-music light show on the front of some building. There were no chainsaw guys or zombies popping out from behind garbage cans, but who the hell cares? Sometimes a little Halloween Lite is just as magical.

Also, the novelty of amusement park rides in the fall!

On the way through the parking lot, Chooch declared that whoever stepped on a leaf first loses. Because I am an 8-year-old too, I was all about this game and nimbly tip-toed past crisp leaves skipping across the pavement in front of me, all while giving Chooch sharp shoves to try and make him trip up, Once we crossed the threshold into the park, though, I decided that we should stop playing because I wanted to look around at the seasonal decor instead of keeping my eyes on the ground.

“Besides,” I added. “Everyone knows I won anyway, Chooch.”

“Hey! I didn’t step on any leaves either!” Henry cried from in front of us, and I laughed because what the fuck, guys? Who invited Henry to our reindeer games?

I didn’t know this until we got there, but Chooch could have worn a costume and participated in the trick-or-treating stops around the park. I am always so woefully unprepared.

CHOOCH: I thought the skeletons in the car were Ron and Jim from the tombstone right in front of it.

First up, Chooch waited in line for the much-anticipated new ride of 2014, Flying Turns. It was the longest line we’d wait in all day, because this bitch is a hot commodity. (It took something like 8 years to build it, I think.) They had cute Halloween decorations set up along the line though, so we at least had things to distract us from the violent thoughts and ideas our minds were drawing up regarding the three teenagers in front of us who were totally obnoxious and kept rough-housing (ladies and gentlemen, I’m officially my dad) and every time they would lower their voices and side-eye me, I was certain they were making fat jokes.

(Chooch can’t write his thoughts on those kids because I won’t let him swear of make violent statements, so he said he has nothing to say then.)

Did I mention that there were signs along the way that threatened an approaching weigh-in? Because of the type of coaster this is, and physics that make my brain bleed, the ride attendants have to make sure that the weight is dispersed between the cars in a very precise manner and that SOME RIDERS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO RIDE TOGETHER. I texted Henry and said, “Great. I have to get weighed just to ride this thing? I want to die.” And he was all “lol.” I’m sorry, how is my body dysmorphia/eating disorder/obesophobia FUNNY? Fuck you, Henry. Have fun sitting on benches all day with the old people.

Turns out, it wasn’t that big of a deal. There were three large metal plates on the coaster platform that you had to stand on with your riding partner while waiting for your turn, and the weights weren’t displayed, and even if they were, it was a combined total anyway. Chooch and I got the front car and several pre-teen kids filled up the other two and I guess my thunder thighs didn’t break the ride because we made it back in one piece.

All of that for a ride that seemingly lasted for all of 40 seconds and was just OK.

Meanwhile, Henry had been roaming about like a child predator on the loose, and won Chooch some stupid plush peace finger thing, but it says YOLO on it. I kept hoping Chooch would lose it.

CHOOCH: I had it put in my sleeve and I kept acting like it was my hand and just holding it up.

I think that the Phoenix might be my favorite wooden coaster of all time. It makes me laugh so hard that my face hurts (I KNOW, I KNOW: AND IT’S KILLING YOU). The second time Chooch and I were in line for this, we had an actual argument over where we sat the first time (he said it was the third car, BUT IT WAS THE FOURTH).

Anyway, the first part of the Phoenix has you going through a tunnel, which is fun on its own, but at night it was all foggy and lit up with Halloween shit! IT WAS SO EXCITING! CHOOCH AND I SCREAMED LIKE ASSHOLES!!!

CHOOCH: When it was nighttime, me and mommy were just talking and then we didn’t even know a hill was coming up and we screamed like idiots.

This park is really not that big at all but Chooch and I would have been lost, literally, without our maps. Except that later that night, we had our maps and still got lost, literally, when Henry was naïve enough to think we could handle finding a bathroom on our own. Yeah, good one, Henry.

After Chooch and I went on a ride called Fandango and he continually cried YOLO instead of POLO when the ride operator wanted us to play Marco Polo, I decided it was time to break for food before I lost consciousness or murdered some nearby campers. Whichever came first. So Henry got in line to procure food for us (pierogies and potato pancakes!) while Chooch and I went to find somewhere “nearby” to sit but apparently it wasn’t near enough for Henry, who had a hard time finding us. MAYBE IT WAS INTENTIONAL, HENRY.

We took pictures of ourselves while sitting next to two scarecrows who were apparently on break. Remember when we all carried around 35mm film cameras and practically no one took selfies because what a goddamn waste of film? Those were the days.

Then Henry pouted because he didn’t want anything from the place Chooch and I chose to get food from, like he wasn’t grazing the entire time Chooch and I were on the rides. No one’s crying for you, Henry.

CHOOCH: While we were in line for the Black Diamond, daddy was creeping on us and everybody else. He went on the side of the Black Diamond to look at the eagles, I guess. That’s what he said. Nobody else had a group of two and they needed a group of two for the coaster, and we were the only ones that had two and we got to line jump and it was so awkward. But I was happy because we actually got to go on quickly.

CHOOCH: This lady was eating an apple and it was so awkward because she was creeping on people and I was laughing.

I only took this picture because I’m jealous of people who can eat apples without cutting them up first. SORRY THAT I WASN’T RAISED ON A FARM!!!!

I know, it sucks to be at an amusement park!

We got Chooch’s school pictures back and I’m pleasantly surprised to report that he kept his cat bowtie on. (Actually, he took it off as soon as he got to school and then put it back on right before pictures were taken.)

Then a week later, Henry finally took him to get his hair cut, so now he looks like a completely different kid. (I don’t know why he’s mean-mugging in this photo; he was so happy to be wearing his new cat Vans!)

Henry bought Chooch the latest Sia album today (he sings “Chandelier” with such unabashed moxie that it actually brings tears to my eyes, WTF is happening to me) and you would have thought it was a puppy the way Chooch reacted. Then he immediately pulled out the liner notes and started reading the lyrics. One of the many reasons physical copies of albums will always trump digital.

And now I will leave you with this interesting quote that happened during pre-haunted house dinner at King’s tonight:

I asked Chooch what he would do if he woke up in an orphanage. He said, after killing the “orphanager,” he would “Annie his way home.” I wonder if that’s similar to last week when he accused Henry of “Kevin Bacon’ing” his way around.

(He’s been obsessed with Kevin Bacon ever since he watched Footloose last year.)

(I’m so behind on blogging that I pathetically wrote this in the car in between haunted houses.)

Fright Farm was scary 10/10. First, It took 1 HR to get there but I survived. When we got there the line was like 25 minutes long. There was a dj on a stage and then Taylor Swifts Shake it Off came on and i started twerking. And then 5 minutes for the Hayride to start. We have to sit at the edge of the Hayride it was like we would fall off.

Next, after 45 or something minutes after the Hayride we went in the haunted house.

It was scary 10/10. But Janna almost had a seizure. But she actually didn’t. Mommy was scared when I warned her about there was someone going to pop out. Then we went on the slide. I loved it. Janna almost fell on the steps so I warned her. She tripped on the steps one time. Last year, Erin and GOD FORBID JANNA said it took them forever to get through the maze. But when I was with them I said follow me but I purposely ran into a clown and he trapped me and Mommy in a corner and I ran.

But the clown said to mommy Do you want to play death? She said No but the clown chased her in the maze. GODDFORBID JANNA tried to save her but the clown pushed her out of the way. She had a seizure. I said follow me again and they did and I lead to victory. Finally, We went to the last part. We got blindfolded and had to follow a rope. But sometimes it got higher and I couldn’t reach it so mommy said she had it and then It got lower and I could touch it again. I was scared like so bad I could cry and my eyes were closed and I almost fell asleep. We kept touching people and they said we were in line. But Erin’s blindfold fell off and they pulled it back up. We finally got out of terrifying death creepy maze like idiotic mean place. Then I had Hot Coco because it was freezing like a Winter Wonderland. Walking In A Winter Wonderland. When we were leaving Chandelier came on and that was my favorite part. In conclusion, That’s how I felt at Riches Fright Farm.

Last night, Janna and I took Chooch to Rich’s Farm. This post is not really about that. (Chooch claims he will be guest-blogging about this and Castle Blood tonight; WE’LL SEE.)

This post is actually about how he and Janna could have easily filled in as Dorothy and Rose for Kristy’s Golden Ghouls group costume at Zombiefest last week.

Before we left Fright Farm, Janna decided to be nice and buy Chooch some hot chocolate. On the way back to the car, he spilled some of it.

“Did you spill your hot chocolate?” Janna asked, noting that he had stopped and was looking at his pants.

“No, I pissed myself, Janna,” Chooch said dryly. “YES, I spilled my hot chocolate!”

I mean, that haunted house was fucking awesome, but this might have been the highlight for me.

Hey fellow viewers today i’m going to  tell you about The Zombie Fest 2014. First,We had to take forever because daddy couldn’t find a parking spot dumb him lol. So yeah that’s really bad.

Next, We found a parking spot YAY!So we got in and talked to Kristy and her 5yr old Daughter Sarah. We had to wait forever for Kristy’s Friend Bethany. I was a Zombie Clown Mommy was Rose from The Golden Girls, Kristy was Dorthy from The Golden Girls, Bethany was Blanche from The Golden Girls, Sarah was Sophia from The Golden Girls.

Last,  Bethany finally got here and we went into the convention and when we were walking in i saw Foxxy from 5 Nights At Freddy’s a horror game its very scary. I told mommy i wanted to say ” I like your 5 Nights At Freddy’s Foxxy Costume but I was Scared of him. So we got in there were Rita stands, Games, other stands like Zombears, necklaces, Um that’s really it for that. Kristy bought or won an inflatable brain and me and Sarah and Bethany played soccer with it I won obviously. So then Mr.Claus and Mrs.Claus, 6 elves, and 3 daughters were giving out presents a lot of people were taking pictures with them. One of the elves wanted to take a picture with me so bad. So i guess I had to. All in all, Now you know all about The Zombie Fest 2014 Convention in Pittsburgh,Pennsylvania USA.

Here’s a funny video of me pretending to be a zombie when i was 4 years old. I hope you enjoy it!!! I’m acting like a drunk stripper LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

HUNDRED ACRES MANOR 9/21/14: I thought Hundred Acres Manor was cool scary and kinda funny because of MOMMY, First, We got there and had to wait because the sun was still up But GOD FORBID JANNA TOOK FOREVER SO WE HAD TO WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT FOR HER! Then one of the actors came up to me and thought I was a chicken and hit me in the head with a Toy Chicken and the people behind us were two girls and a mom the two girls were going in by themselves and one was scared as hell and the other was not amused but they saw Ethan (the guy who runs the haunted house) they tried to talk to him but then he went back in. Next, Janna finally got here and our day was saved! Then we finally got to go in and I got a glow stick necklace. Then we got to go in the elevator that was very steamy and rocky so we got out and then someone screamed in my face and those are the only times I am scared, LOL! And then we got to the maze and Erin and Janna were scared. We caught up to a couple and they showed us the way I guess But the Lady was scared (She was like mommy’s age.) and the Chainsaw Guy was looking for us but the other actors found us!

Next, We got out of the maze it was just a butcher part left so nothing more! (The meat was human body parts!) All in all, Now you know what Hundred Acres Manor is and how much I liked it!

HUSTON’S HAUNTED HOLLOW 10/4/14

I have to say I had to PEE very bad and almost peed my pants because of how funny mommy was! First, We waited in line for about 1hour so it took forever (Janna was actually here with us this time!)And the people behind us were so annoying because they were all like stop hitting my face!!! STOP IT!!! IT WAS SO ANNOYINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the actors were outside and it was The Beetle Juicer Man (Beetle Juice Guy) and mommy told him to take me! That Idiot!!! And he was making the people in front of us laugh so hard! Next, After the past 1hour we were finally in! And there was a girl and another girl and a witch said to us “Im sharpening this shovel for your grave” I wasn’t scared! Then we went inside of a house it was kinda scary!

There was a kitchen, a Bathroom with guts in the tub, a Basement that was a carnival there were clowns and we got 3d glasses and the first thing was a Spinning Tunnel that I hate so much!

A room with clowns one clown said “There’s a Duck over there , HONK! Last, Now its time for the hayride good thing the people behind us in line aren’t with us! Every time we stop we have to walk in the corn and threw the woods there was a trail DONT WORRY, JANNA IS OK SHE DIDNT HAVE A SEIZURE! We got to a structure in the middle of the trail and we had to go in it and JANNA COULDNT SEE AND SHE WAS PISSING ME OFF BECAUSE SHE WOULDNT EFFING TURN THERE WAS A DUMB IDIOTIC ACTOR IN HER EFFING WAY I WAS SCREAMING THE HELL OUT OF ME I HAD A HEADACHE! Then we got back on the HayRide and we got split up into to smaller groups and then we got to a Chainsaw Guy and mommy ran like a wussy and made me laugh so hard because she pushed me into the corn and we got to ANOTHER Chainsaw Guy and made us go the opposite direction and made our group split up and mommy ran like a wussy again and pushed me in the corn. Then finally we were done and I finally got to PEE! The main topic)

P.S. Henry didnt go to neither and he was too wussed out.

I started to feel pretty run down on Monday, but I took some vitamin C and crossed my fingers, which surprisingly does the trick more often than not. But by the end of the work day, my throat was feeling weird, I was making stupid mistakes, and I definitely did not have pep in my step, although I’m not sure I ever do on a good day, either. And then HENRY made me take the TROLLEY home, which ended up being stalled for over 20 minutes because a drunk person was on the tracks so that was 20 extra minutes I had to sit there and breathe in what everyone around me was breathing out.

#blamehenry #vintageiOS #great #ohgreat #reallyfuckinggreat

The next morning, I woke up at 5:33am with Marcy on my chest and my throat hosting the Devil’s bonfire. I probably shouldn’t have went to work at all, because I spent all day under two layers and a huge blanket and was still shivering. Then Henry texted me and said Chooch called him from school and said he was having a hard time breathing (also, he told the school he has asthma, which he totally doesn’t), so he got to go home early and all I could think was I WANT TO GO HOME TOO! And then my supervisor was all, “Yo, you made these two really bad mistakes” which I don’t even remember doing, so can we blame my sickness and pretend that I’m not actually stupid? I just wasn’t myself.

But stupidly, I was still going to go to work the next day! Until I texted Henry to see if he could take me because I felt too weak to walk to the trolley and he was like, “OMG STAY THE FUCK HOME THEN.” And then it turned out I had a little bit of a fever, and Chooch was still sick, so for only the second time in 4.5 years, I called off work.

That time Dr. Henry advised me what to do when Chooch & I were “wick.”

Our day went like this:

Morning: We quietly rested. For about an hour. Then we were bored. Even though I should have been laying down. I sat in front of the computer, wrapped in a blanket and shivering, and attempted to finish writing a blog post while Chooch played some dumb video game while seemingly coughing up an entire rib cage. Then my friend shared a Cure-bashing article with me on Facebook, so I spent a good hour blowing my nose and plotting that “author’s” demise. Surprisingly, I only called Henry once, but when he told me he couldn’t just stop working and come home, I hung up on which is what I do when I don’t like his answer. Obviously, this happens a lot. So then he decided to suck up:

Fuck you and your Maple Waze pumpkin secons, Henry.

Afternoon: Around noon, Chooch decided he was going to go lay down in his room and watch his stupid videos on his phone, so I was like “YAY TV” until I remembered that I get bored instantly with watching TV. I put on Netflix and for some reason “Heavenly Creatures” was the first thing that was suggested and I haven’t seen that movie since it came out in the nineties so I decided to watch it and remembered that it is mostly pretty boring, but it also made me realize that this is basically if me and Christina had met when we were 14. I drifted in and out during it and at one point, I was lost in a world where all I could hear was Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” and that made me realize that I’ve heard that song THREE TIMES in ONE WEEK which seems like a joke, but somehow, it’s very real. I know what you’re thinking: where is she going that she keeps hearing this song? An aerobics class in 1982? No, just my bedroom. Some variety radio station which is right now at this moment playing the current Top 40 hit “Am I Wrong” by Nico & Vinz, apparently is being blackmailed by Laura Branigan. Luckily I came back to reality in time to SPOILER ALERT watch the one mom (“mum”–this was New Zealand) get her head bashed in by two brick-swinging teenagers. Good plan, guys. I called Henry during this shit show and he was like, “IT’S ONLY 1 O’CLOCK I CAN’T COME HOME YET” and it’s times like this I miss having a land-line with an old-school phone I can slam back into the cradle.

Then I started watching “The Innkeepers” and Chooch came down during this and was like FINE I WILL WATCH IT EVEN THOUGH FOR SOME REASON I DON’T LIKE HORROR MOVIES ANYMORE. What a boring, actionless movie. I vaguely remember seeing the previews and wanting to see it, but now I’m like, “OMG how was this even in the theaters?” There was only about a half hour left and still nothing had happened, so Chooch was like, “How much longer do we have to deal with this?” And then I was trying to explain to him how I knew certain things were going to happen because of context clues and he kept asking more and more questions so finally I was like, “Fuck it, I’m too sick to explain this. It’s because I’m psychic. I know all this shit because I’m fucking psychic.”

Earlier in the day, Chooch had pointed out that his heart was beating really fast. Like a good mom, I decided it would be a wise idea to follow up on this, so I asked him if it was still beating fast. He placed his hand on his chest, and with a shrug, he said, “No….now it’s not beating at all.” OMG WHY DOES HENRY LEAVE US ALONE TOGETHER. (Real time aside: Chooch and I are arguing over who has been sick longer. Oh wow, so he’s got half a day on me, but who had more of a fever? ME. That’s who.)

I decided to watch Hemlock Grove, because it was on my Netflix list, and what else did I have to do but half-lay on the couch, whimpering with my arm slung across my forehead? It pretty much immediately started with SEX AND BOOBS so I was like GO AWAY CHOOCH! and he was like I WANTED TO GO ON THE COMPUTER ANYWAY, BYE! So he watched his dumb YouTube videos on the computer with his headphones on and I tried to stay focused on the TV but it’s just not my thing. I thought at one point that maybe it would be nice to get dressed and go sit in the sun, but every time I stood up, my body was like NOPE.

I don’t do “sick” well. A few weeks ago, some of my co-workers were talking nearby about how babyish and helpless their husbands become when they’re sick and all I could think was, “Ha-ha, Henry doesn’t get that way at all. But that sounds familiar….OMG that’s ME when I’M sick! They’re describing ME!”

Then one of the characters on Hemlock Grove SPOILER ALERT turned into a werewolf and I cried to Chooch: WHY CAN’T YOU BE A WEREWOLF?! God, he’ll never be good enough. And then I became super giddy when I realized that one of the guys looked familiar to be because HE WAS ON DEGRASSI. So then I was going to see if Degrassi was on Netflix but I got distracted by my constant need to moan and essentially go down the list of onomatopoeia for “common cold.”

I’m pretty good at sound effects. Little known fact about me that my blog doesn’t convey.

EVENING: Man of the Year FINALLY waltzed through the door sometime after SIX O’CLOCK. That’s just madness. And because he was carrying a bag of Maple Waze pumpkin secons (which turned out to be maple glazed pumpkin cookies) and a box of cupcakes from Vanilla Pastry Studio, all is supposed to be forgiven? Kind of like when a husband cheats on his wife after work with a goat and then brings home some chocolate FOR NO REASON. I mean…it helps. Don’t get it twisted.

So we accosted him before he had a chance to even make it to the dining room. “Ugh, you both have those whiny eyes” he groaned as we started fighting over each other to tell him in high-pitched voices how sick we were. There was a lot of HELP US WE’RE DYING!!! exclamations going on and instead of taking our temperatures, that asshole looked at the TV and said, “Oh, you’re watching Hemlock Grove without me? That’s nice.” I WAIT FOR NO ONE.

“Did you give him any cough medicine?” Henry asked me.

“No,” I casually answered. “He said he didn’t want any.”

“OMG,” Henry sighed. “It doesn’t matter what he WANTS. You give it to him anyway!”

Sorry, I thought this was a Pro-Choice household.

“Did we get anything in the mail?” Henry casually asked, as if I wasn’t languishing on a bed of disease right before his eyes.

“I DON’T KNOW! YES! I CAN’T REMEMBER! GO FUCK YOURSELF!” I screamed. UGH stop making me have to THINK!

Then Marcy made her first appearance since breakfast, cautiously coming down the steps and peering into the dining room. “I know Marcy. I’d hide under the bed from the sick kids, too, if I could.”

Fuck you, Henry.

He didn’t even don his frilly apron and make us faux-chicken noodle soup. We gave him the easy way out and told him he could just order dinner from Giovanni’s which normally would have great but I couldn’t taste anything, so that made me even bitchier.

And then that sonofabitch went to bed at EIGHT THIRTY because he was SO TIRED. Are you fucking kidding? You come home and half-assedly tend to us for two hours and then oh my god, you’re suddenly SO TIRED now?

“I can’t wait until YOU get sick!” I shouted to him, which resulted in my head feeling like it was being curb-stomped. “We’re not going to give a shit!”

“You never do,” Henry shrugged. “And besides, I’m able to take care of myself.”

UGH I HATE HIM. SMUG MOTHERFUCKER!

****

Today I’m on late shift, so I got to have time this morning to get my bearings. I feel much better than I did the last couple of days, but still a little off. I don’t get sick very often, so when I do, please forgive me but THE WORLD IS ENDING. Chooch conveniently doesn’t have school today, so he’ll get an extra day to recuperate. He gets this awful cough several times during the school year and it usually results in him needing breathing treatments. Henry mentioned this last night and Chooch’s reaction was to pump his fist and cry, “Yes!”

And now I will end this with a sincere “You’re welcome” to everyone who did not have to deal with us yesterday.

*In case one day when I’m 72, I have a pressing need to remember exactly what I did during the weekend of September 20th, 2014. You never know. Except that you do.

We spent the entire weekend hanging out with Chooch, which was really needed after being away from him for 4 days. We’re never away from him for that long! God, we’re pathetic.

Selfishly, I suggested we go to Oakland because I’ve been craving arepas ever since I got pregnant.

Sike. Ever since Riot Fest, haha. Conflict Kitchen is focused on Venezuelan cuisine right now so…

Too bad their arepas were basically bland mush compared to the golden beauty I choked back in Chicago.

The plantains were on point, though.

Chooch and I rode the carousel while Henry pouted at a nearby table because he couldn’t find anything he wanted to eat. I know you guys know that I’m a huge spoiled brat, but sometimes Henry gets so ridiculously impossible to please that he makes me look like Tiny Tim Cratchet.

All humble and happy with nothing.

For real.

Meanwhile, Chooch and I had our own struggles: mounting our respective carousel creatives. I wound up on a dolphin even though that would have been my LAST CHOICE but I was too afraid to try to get on anything taller after all of the times I have notoriously gotten stuck mid-mount. And Chooch almost fell off of one so I was trying to hold him up but I have no upper body strength and we both kept sinking closer to the ground until I finally just dropped him.

Don’t worry, he survived.

After our merry-go-round hijinx (the girl operating it shook her head at us & laughed when we passed her on the way out), some girl took pictures of Chooch petting a dog and then we went to a nearby playground where we played hide n seek and I looked like I was peeking behind our car but really I was just squatting in the best hiding spot of all time. Suck it, Chooch.

Henry was still pouting. Then he pushed an empty swing because he didn’t have enough strength to push a real person since he couldn’t find anything he wanted to eat. #violin

And Chooch sweat a lot.

The next day we went to Harland’s fifth birthday, where I stupidly kicked a soccer ball while wearing TOMS and proceeded to break my foot and then I awkwardly helped a little kid slide down the pavilion wall and onto the grass below which was REALLY EXHAUSTING and I acted like a basic hero for a good three hours after, because when’s the last time I actually lent one of those helping hand things.

Henry didn’t have anyone to play with.

I know Chooch is mine by the way he eats cake.

After Harland’s party, me, Chooch and Janna went to our first haunted house of the season, Hundred Acres Manor! It was just cool enough for Chooch to wear the hoodie I bought him, which you’ll hear about in a rap song that I might post later this week, even though Henry will probably leave me if I do it.

And I was able to get all of my custom orders done in between all of this, so now I feel like the hugest weight has been lifted….and replaced with a run-ragged, sick feeling. Haha.

Chooch, out of the blue: I have lots of pet peeves. Like….booger pickers and hackers.

Chris: What if the booger pickers are picking their boogers in private? Is that OK?

Chooch: Then the cats win.

Chris: I think we’re having two different conversations.

Right after Henry and I returned home from Chicago on Monday, Chooch lost a tooth.

Not a big deal; this was like the 6th or 7th one to add to my salt shaker of baby teeth. (I collect his teeth in a salt shaker full of fake blood because that’s what the gypsy told me to do 9 years ago after selling me fertility potion.)

Chooch placed the tooth under his pillow and then Henry promptly forgot to swap it out with money, so Tuesday morning started with Chooch stomping out of his room, fists at his sides, bitching about how the dumbass Tooth Fairy didn’t leave him any money. I was like, “Fuck. Think Erin, think.” So I told him that was because Monday was Labor Day for the Tooth Fairies and that they were all off work, duh. I’m really off my game lately when it comes to Creative Lies, but Chooch didn’t say anything to that, not even “Wait, there’s more than one Tooth Fairy?” so I chalked it up to Good Parenting. And also Chooch’s inability to give a shit about things in the morning.

But then he came home from school with another tooth that had fallen out. His teacher put it in an envelope and in pencil, noted the exact time it fell out, like we’re some tightly-clenched scrapbooking assholes or something.

Chooch was just happy that now he was about to get twice as much money.

Except that Dildo Henry shat in his tutu again and didn’t pull through. He claims that Chooch “started to wake up” when he tried to make the switch. So I was like, “Well, where is the cash? I’ll do it myself” and then Henry was all, “In my pocket.

” Which wouldn’t have been a big deal if he wasn’t already at work when this conversation played out.

And then my series of texts, surprisingly not in CAPSLOCK, went like this:

Nice.

Real great.

And of course I’m the one who has to deal with it once again. Thanks.

And you say nothing. Thanks.

Because clearly this was on par with, oh I don’t know, teen pregnancies and drug use. God, I just didn’t want to deal with this. PARENTING, UGH.

“I think he knows there’s no tooth fairy, he’s just playing along,” Henry calmly texted back.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR THINKING, HENRY!

So I tiptoed into Chooch’s room, perched on the edge of his bed, and woke him by gingerly shaking him by his shoulder. A slumbering Chooch is best approached with caution and finesse, because he’s a real bag of bees in the morning.

“Chooch,” I whispered hoarsely. “I have to tell you something.”

“WHAT,” he mumbled, shrugging my hand from his shoulder.

“It’s really bad,” I continued, because I’m great this shit. “Daddy and I have been lying to you for a long time.”

This got him to open one eye.

“ABOUT WHAT,” he barked.

“The Tooth Fairy,” I whispered, trying to sound really serious. “She’s not real.”

“OK,” Chooch mumbled, shaking his head in an “AND?” motion. “Do I still get money?”

“No, because daddy screwed up,” I said. “Blame daddy.”

Now Chooch was beginning to sit up in anger. He flipped over his pillow to confirm that I wasn’t lying, and just as his nostrils began to flare, I blurted out, “BUT HE SAID HE’S GOING TO BUY YOU POKEMON CARDS!”

“THE KINDS IN THE METAL TIN?!” he countered. Because those ones are more expensive. He’s not a dummy.

I was all, “Yeah sure, OK” and then Chooch was like, “OK bye, I’m walking to school by myself” which is when it occurred to me that OMG he’s old now. Thanks a lot, Tooth Fairy.

If I was forced to submit one quintessential quote to sum up my childhood, it would be “wolfman’s got nards.”

I was in elementary school the first time I saw The Monster Squad. Probably third or fourth grade? It was on HBO and my little brother Ryan and I were like, “…

the fuck is this!?” It instantly became a Kelly Family Classic and I was so proud of myself when I caught it from almost the beginning one time and recorded it over top of my dad’s recording of Platoon. (Haha.)

I still have that VHS tape somewhere in a box in the attic. It’s labeled Monster Squad, etc. on a piece of masking tape and I watched the shit out of it all the way into my 20s until a few years ago, when I excitedly bought the DVD for Chooch. He liked it just fine, I guess, but didn’t latch on to it like he did with The Lost Boys. I was disappointed, but at least I finally got to watch it from the very beginning and without the 5 seconds of Platoon/brief static/slo-mo transition into the first scene of Monster Squad that I had grown accustomed to throughout my childhood. This flick was right up there with The Lost Boys, Goonies, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and Midnight Madness, as far as my childhood goes. We even named our pet rabbit Rudy after one of the boys!

It is a fucking timeless classic.

The other day, Kristy (one of the only people I know who shares my adoration for this movie!) texted me and said that the theater in the Waterfront, which I usually avoid like the plague, was going to be showing Monster Squad on Wednesday and I was like WE WILL BE THERE. Chooch was like, “What movie? I don’t know. I guess” and was totally blah about it because he IS SO TIRED AFTER HIS LONG, HARD DAY AT SCHOOL, YOU GUYS. SO VERY TIRED.

I was hoping my brother Ryan could go, because what better way to relive our childhood together than by shouting Monster Squad quotes at the big screen, but he sadly had to work.

When we arrived at the theater Wednesday night and Kristy’s daughter Sarah had a Slushee in her hands.

Let me tell you a short story: The night before this, we had met Chris and Monica at Antney’s for an ice cream date, and after rejecting his strawberry ice cream and then half-heartedly eating a consolation chocolate peanut butter cone, Chooch wanted a Slushee. Of course we were like, “Fuck you, spoiled brat. You just had two kinds of ice cream when you really shouldn’t have had ANY” so he proceeded to sit there and literally interrupt HIMSELF with whines about wanting a Slushee. He was so tired and irritable, that we should have just left him in the car. (I mean, with the window down! Cracked, at least.) That little fucker bitched about his lack of Slushee the whole way home. “My throat is so dry and you won’t even stop at a GAS STATION to get me a Slushee. What kind of parents ARE YOU?! I know I was a mistake!” He had basically written his emancipation speech before we even pulled into the driveway, and then he proceeded to go straight to bed. So, good riddance.

Flash forward to the next night and now he practically has a Slushee doing a striptease in his face, so I was like, “OMG I WILL BUY YOU A FUCKING SLUSHEE HOLD ON.” Turned out to be the best decision ever, because he nursed that bitch through the whole movie, like he was sucking it straight from a unicorn’s teat.

Slushee Date.

I was happy to see that there was a relatively decent tour-out for this viewing. I didn’t realize until I was an adult how underrated and unknown The Monster Squad actually is. Henry had never heard of it until he fell into my dark vortex (my life or vagina?) so I mocked him endlessly until I realized that he was actually part of the majority on this one. Unfortunately, he opted out of watching it on the big screen because Lowe’s was calling his name. Good riddance.

Before the movie started, some dude with a microphone talked about all of the upcoming classics that they’re going to be showing, and when he mentioned the Robin Williams tribute night, Kristy whispered, “Don’t cry” and I was like HOW DID YOU KNOW!? Because I was totally crying, just at the mere thought of a Robin Williams tribute night. Sigh.

And then the guy finally shut up and Monster Squad started and so did my tears. Again! I hate how emotional I am. I blame Chooch. I never fully recovered from pregnancy.

You guys, this movie holds up so well. It was just as funny and exciting as it was when I was a kid, because now that I’m an adult I understand more of it, haha.

And for Chooch, who hadn’t watched this since he was probably 3 or 4, it was like seeing it for the first time. He was cracking up really hard, and EVERYONE clapped during the pivotal “Wolfman’s got nards!” scene (that quote is right above the signature line on my checks!). IT WAS SO EXCITING!! I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH!!

“Dracula just doesn’t give a shit,” Chooch yelled at one point. Unsurprisingly, his favorite part of the movie was all of the swearing. Especially since it’s mostly kids doing the swearing.

And then near the end, there is one part that has always ALWAYS always made me cry, and I glanced over and saw that Chooch was straight sobbing during the same part. We’re so emotionally fucked.

The next day, I was on an actual Monster Squad high. And all last night, Chooch would say things like, “Remember when Dracula was like give me the amulet you bitch?” And “Remember when Shawn was like hey asshole, you looked?” It reminded me so much of when Ryan and I were kids and would leave each other notes full of quotes from the bad movies we loved. I think I need to plan a Kelly Family Classic movie night soon.

Kristy, THANK YOU for the heads up on this! I would have been so sad if I missed it!