One of the non-negotiable items on my vacation itinerary wish list was to dine at Old Hansa, which is a medieval-themed restaurants serving only what would have been found in people’s pantries back in the day. I knew going into this that it is a TOTAL TOURISTY thing to do but I cared not. I wanted to eat here. I mean, when in Tallinn, right?

Oh, and the other deciding factor was that they have a vegetarian and vegan section on the menu! We made reservations a few mths in advance and it turns out, totally not needed. Maybe because it was a Thursday at 4pm, I dunno, but the inside seating of the restaurant was almost completely empty. There were a good bit of people sitting outside, but I wanted the candlelit experience of the indoors!

I wish I had gotten a photo of our waiter but he was wonderful, never strayed from his medieval fief (?) character, and steered me clear of what I was originally going to order because it was “hit or miss” with a “strong taste” that “some diners didn’t care for.”

I appreciated him for this.

Chooch and his non-alcoholic beer which of course didn’t like.

Medieval bathroom selfie.

Oven-baked herb and juniper cheese. Um, just looking at this picture has activated my saliva glands, I am gleeking like no one’s business over here. The taste memory of this appetizer is haunting my tongue like a ghost wearing a flavor sheet. FML, I want to go back to this moment.

I ended up getting the Five Tastes of Vegetarian Origin: Crusader’s Lentils, Ginger Rutabaga, Saffron Spelt,
Forest Mushroom Sauce, Rickard’s Cheese Pasties with Garlic and Herbs. It was DELICIOUS. Like, lick-the-plate-clean levels of delicioso.

Chooch got the Faraway Merchant’s Lentil Dish: Spicy Lentils and Saffron Spelt with plentiful Greens and Crispy Lentil Bread. Which he of course did not like so Henry and I ravaged his refuse.

Henry got salmon or something, he can’t remember.

Yes, this was expensive, definitely the most expensive meal of the whole trip. But to me, it was worth it for the experience and the ambiance, and I’m sorry but everything on my plate was excelsior and unlike anything I have ever eaten before. After all the cinnamon rolls and licorice, my body was praising me for giving it vegetables.

(Fun fact: There are no potatoes to be found on the menu because potatoes weren’t available back then!)

Then we went to the shoppe so I could so a schnapps tasting but Henry the Fucker took the cup and drank half of it!! I was so fucking offended. Literally almost started a fight with him over it but whatever.

I’ll tell you what, even just the half-shot that my Big Strong Keeper Man permitted me to have did wonders for my sinuses! I was like a brand new woman for about 10 minutes but then I got all clogged up again so I think the lesson learned here is that hourly shots of schnapps need to be tossed back.

Anyway, I bought a bottle for Margie, because I knew she would appreciate souvenir liquor. I gave it to her in the office too and she was like, “SHOULD WE DRINK THIS NOW??” Um, yes??

(We didn’t.)

:(

Then we went to Europe’s oldest, continually operating pharmacy which also has a small, free museum area.

This is one of my favorite photos that I took while in Tallinn, in case you cared. (WHY DON’T YOU CARE??)

(WHY DOESN’T CHOOCH CARE??)

Then we had a tony bit of time to kill before the Depeche Mode Bar opened so we just strolled around.

Fuck Putin.

Eat shit, Putin.

Then, Depeche Mode Bar! Next up: Chooch’s stupid Tallinn coaster credit.

I’m telling you – one day in Tallinn just wasn’t enough. It was BARELY even enough to enjoy all that Old Town alone has to offer. I hope we make it back someday because I really loved it there a lot. Great people, great vibes, so much history and beauty.

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You guys didn’t see this coming, I bet, but here is a post with more Tallinn stuff. Even though I was dragging, it was such a – DARE I SAY – epic day. That city’s got some magical, gritty vibes man. Also, some Russian vibes as well, unsurprisingly.

We quite honestly spent the entire time walking around, shopping, looking for the oldest working pharmacy in the world, having allergy attacks in antique shops while Chooch suddenly decided he wanted to collect war memorabilia??

My only regret, other than being sick, is not having more than a day to spend here. I really wanted to go into some museums, explore outside of Old Town, eat more meals. I wanted to do so much. Our original plan was to spend the night there but our itinerary changed so many times, I can’t remember why we opted to just do a day trip. Some stupid travel vlogger probably told me that’s all we needed. Wrong.

We had split up from Chooch at some point, I can’t remember why, and when we were trying to tell him where we were, I sent him this picture of a family with dog and his response was to send it back to me from a different angle because he apparently was spying on us like a little fucking creep.

I googled “famous people from Estonia” because I thought that would be a fun fact to share since I am trying (and failing) to be a BLOG WORTH READING, A SAFE SPACE TO LEARN SHIT, but I don’t recognize any single name so I am not sharing. You can google it yourself. Look, there I go, back to being a bully blogger.

We walked up a hill to the Kohtuotsa viewing platform, which I highly recommend if you are up for the slight exertion. I thought it would be a madhouse up there, but it surprisingly wasn’t crowded at all.

Probably Steven Seagull but we’ll just pretend.

He sure was friendly!

I could have leaned against that wall for an hour, just being a lookie-loo.

Virgin’s Tower.

Literally everywhere we turned: photo op. This town is majestic. I can’t believe we were there.

I saw some other people taking a picture here so then I had to take one of Chooch and he was like UGH GREAT THANKS PEOPLE.

OMG, this sign cracked me up. My friend Amber (AG1 from the Law Firm, if you’re a long time reader) calls her mom “pood” and when I saw this sign, I had to send it to her. Apparently, “pood” just means “shop” over there!

Next, we popped into Cafe Lummus for a quick break aka for me to have an allergy attack in the privacy of a bathroom.

This bathroom was so nice. I loved the aesthetic of this cafe AND the barista was so friendly.

Some random facts about Tallinn that I remember without googling: it is allegedly marzipan-happy but I feel like I didn’t see that much of it, amber jewelry stores are on every street, they love Schnapps. If you ask my one co-worker who used to live in Finland, he will tell you that it is also a tourist trap but don’t listen to him. I didn’t, and I’m glad because Tallinn (Old Town at least!) was one of the best days of our trip even though I was sick!

THIS BLUE BUILDING!!

I had been eying up this cute little shop of local artisan wares called OmaAsi. Of course, as soon as I walked in it was empty but within one minute, 10 pushy women tourists arrived and the twinge in my throat started to flare with a vengeance. I hurried up and picked a pair of earrings for Megan (I think the brand was Kirju??) and a ring by Inga Koppel for myself, shoved them at Henry and then ran outside to breathe in the fresh air.

Anyway, it was almost time for our dinner reservation at this point so that will be the next post. I know you can hardly wait.

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Hello there is no point to this blog post.

This week is off to a weird start. I’m glad it’s a short one and I’m excited to spend time with my family during this long weekend.  It randomly (I mean, it felt like it to me because I wasn’t FOLLOWING THE WEATHER) started snowing today and I’ll tell you, when the house is decorated for Christmas and marginally clean, it definitely makes me hate snow a little less and I allow myself to lean into the coziness. I just want the theme of the long Christmas weekend to be FUCKIN’ COZY.

I was thinking earlier about how this time of year seems extra weird and disorienting because we didn’t go away during Thanksgiving weekend which is something that I really look forward to so I declared that we should just always go to Dollywood for that weekend, it can be a tradition. Henry was like THATS FINE but then Chooch came home and when I asked him he first said yes but then he backtracked and said, “wait I’ll be 18 next year I’m not going to Dollywood with you” WOWOWOWOWOW. Henry called it. :(

And now, apropos of nothing, a grilled cheese close-up:

I ate this grilled cheese at Frank & Shirley’s with Bill, Jessi, and Chooch and also taught Jessi the correct way to eat it: dunked into a pool of Ketchup. It is the only way!

Also, I got my grilled cheese on rye, which inspired Bill to change the bread on his sandwich also to rye and you know, what can I say? I’m just a walking, talking sack of peer pressure.

Anyway, I almost didn’t get the grilled cheese because this was several hours before Chingumas and Henry was supposed to be dishing out some mini grilled kimcheeses for the party people but THEN HE FORGOT TO MAKE THEM so I guess it’s a good thing that I ordered grilled cheese after all. Idiot.

This is Penelope’s favorite corner. She has a bunch of COZY beds under the church pew and that is where you can find her most of the day. Look at her, she’s like, “let me show you allllll around my houssssse.”

I’ve been awake since around 4:30am because Idiot Henry’s alarm woke me up because he’s so inconsiderate and then I started to fall back asleep around 5am but then Chooch woke up and started getting ready for school and then slammed the front door repeatedly because he kept leaving and coming back?! I have no idea what is going on anymore, but he apparently has been leaving extra early for school because he “feels like it” and when he leaves early, he can take the T instead of the bus, so he gets to Oakland super early, eats breakfast at Dunkin’ and then goes to Pitt Towers and sleeps on a couch.

Are we sure he’s not already in college? It feels like he might be in college.

Well, on that note, I’m stupid tired and have nothing else to say. Time for me to crash.

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Way back in September, we were on our way to Chicago for Riot Fest when I randomly started talking about whether or not we’d have a Christmas party that year. I am always on the fence with this. I love having parties, I really do, but I always get really stressed out and sometimes end up not even enjoying it. Plus, I just don’t really care about Xmas that much. I started thinking about how people have Friendsgiving but I also kind of think that’s corny and giving A Beautiful Mess, so I definitely wanted to make up my own holiday.

It got me thinking, what’s the Korean word for “friend”?

Chingu.

And I would still want to have the party in December.

So…Chingumas. Boom. Done.

I googled this, in English and Korean, and nothing comes up so I think I might have literally invented it!? I excitedly texted Chooch from the car and he of course didn’t respond so I had to follow up hours later:

UGHUGHUGH.

Then the next day, we met my friend Vicki who works in the law firm’s Chicago office for breakfast and before we even sat all the way down, I blurted out, “VICKI I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT NO ONE FROM OUR GROUP KNOWS YET” to which she responded with a pallid-faced, “OMG what?”

“I think I invented a new holiday!” I cried. She slapped a hand against her chest and sighed, “Oh, Erin!” I guess she thought I was going to tell her I was quitting or something.

We hit up H-Mart before leaving Chicago the next day so that we could stock up on all the Korean alcohol, boiii, since Pgh sucks in that regard (you can get soju at some liquor stores but I have not seen a great selection of flavors nor have I seen makgeolli which is my fave Korean sul).

And then I proceeded to embark on a willy-nilly, haphazard invitation spree. Jessica, the only thing I miss about Facebook, THE ONLY THING, is the ability to create a FB event, add everyone I want, and then easily keep track of the RSVP list, post updates, delegate food-bringing, etc. Now, I am inviting people on Instagram. Via text. Over Jabber at work. On It-Will-Always-Be-Twitter. And then I promptly cannot remember who I invited and who I didn’t invite. So the week before the party is inevitably spent terrorizing people, asking, “PLEASE REMIND ME, ARE YOU COMING TO CHINGUMAS?” and then they reply with, “PLEASE REMIND ME, WHEN IS IT?” and it’s a hot mess. And then I always forget to invite people because I’m in my early onset dementia era, I think. Or I need to start keeping an actual planner like people did in the 70s or whatever.

Anyway, Chingumas was last Saturday the 9th and guess what?? My great friends Bill & Jessi came all the way from Michigan on Friday to spend the First Weekend of Chingumas with us! I had every intent of decorating early, doing food prep early, etc etc so that on Saturday, we could relax a little and spend time with them.

Did that happen? FUCK NO. We were panic-everything’ing the whole fucking day. It was a dumpster fire. Henry was so behind on food-making, I wasn’t still decorating when people were beginning to arrive, my heart rate was rabbit-on-the-run levels of Next Stop: Heart Attack Land.

I mean, look Linda, listen: it was fine! It really was fine. Even though people were arriving while I was roaming around aimlessly, muttering over and over, “Wait, what was I doing? Why did I come in here?” and then Chooch had to help me cut out my idol food labels because I don’t have eight hands and Henry was still preparing food so the kitchen was a shit house and UGH. He had to give me a quiet pep talk as I was contemplating drowning myself in the kitchen sink.

Megan’s Famous Cheeseball: Korea Edition! It had gochujang in it, which was the secondary theme of the party – so much food had gochujang in it and I was happy because this is one of my favorite things ever! (It’s Korean red pepper paste, in case you were wondering, and it is fucking spicy and perfect.)

But you know what, he was right. It was fine. I was OK. It was OK. The food got done (although he forgot that he was supposed to make mini grilled kimcheese so that’s great, thanks). People were eating and drinking and laughing and my work friends were mingling with my non-work friends and my friend Cara that I have known since Kindergarten but rarely see showed up with a Seoul Box for me and she seemed to be OK being thrown to the wolves aka my other friends, and Bill and Jessi’s presence kept me calm, and Chooch had four of his friends over and they were like “This is good food” and everyone was calling the kimbap “sushi” even though I had a cut-out of Sana from Twice announcing that it was kimbap but you know what, this was just the first Chingumas. Baby steps.

One of my favorite parts was when Glenn and Amanda arrived and some of my non-work friends were like, “Yes, we know Glenn” and Glenn was like, “No…I don’t think we’ve met” and then they realize, “Oh shit we know him from Erin’s blog” or whatever, and thank god that he is OK with that HAHA. I mean, is he though? Eh. Probably.

Thank god you can’t see the sink in this shot because it was FULL. The perils of not having a dishwasher.

I feel like I spent the first 30 minutes walking around with an industrial roll of tape, and then at one point asking, “Why am I holding this?” You can see it laying on that white stool back there. I set it down and then forgot about it for hours until I found it later laying on the hand chair and then finally putting it away.

I guess I’m including all of this because I am marginally concerned about my brain health and want to have this on record. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I should start taking naps?

Maybe I should also include the guest list before I start forgetting names and faces as well:

• Bill & Jessi
• Amanda & Glenn
• Janna
• Cara
• Megan
• Sami
• Lori
• Sandy
• Nate & April
• Wendi & Ben
• Margie
• Shawn & Jess
• Chris & Monica
• Corey
• Lauren

Chooch’s Crew:

• Ben
• Daniel x 2 (aka The Daniels)
• Zakk

We made tiramisu and I know you’re asking right, “Why would you make a traditional Italian dessert for a party celebrating Korean culture?” and I will tell you why: one of the first things we realized on our first trip to Korea was that HOLY SHIT, they love tiramisu in that country! You could go into any cafe and expect to see some type of tiramisu in the dessert case. Tiramisu almonds.

Ya gotta just take my word for it, OK? Tiramisu is ubiquitous over there and we love that.

In the beginning of the party, I was panicking that I wasn’t going to get enough pictures which has been a problem in the past, so I literally just ran around in photo attack mode which my GUESTS FUCKING LOVED, I WILL TELL YOU THAT MUCH especially when I posted some of these on Instagram to their great “I wasn’t ready!” chagrin. Corey and Chris look like I dragged them in my house off the street and tossed them back there, which to be fair is kind of the strategy I had for accumulating party guests back in my early 20s. I mean, I have kind of changed my ways and I, you know, play by the book these days, sort of.

You can tell I was frantically taking these and people were like, “AREN’T THESE BLURRY??”

“No!” I yelled over my shoulder, moving on to my next target. Flash forward to the next morning, oh man, a lot of these photos are blurry!

I was going to only play kpop but I feel like people wouldn’t have been able to handle ALL KPOP ALL THE TIME so I used last year’s Xmas Party playlist which seemed to be ok for everyone.

LOL MARGIE and her shot glass of soju lol.

Tiramisu!

Henry also made a large platter of tteokbokki and the other sub-theme of the night was, “This is spicy but I like it!”

Still on my photo-attack tip.

Here’s Henry finally getting a chance to explain the nitty-gritty electrical deets behind his Seoul Subway sign. You can’t see her, but Margie was listening intently so that she can make something similar for our next department meeting. So when Sue says, “Margie, can you pull up the numbers?” Margie can share her screen to show her gigantic light-up sign of our new business intake monthly stats.

I don’t know what was going on here but when I reminded people of the hashtags that I wanted them to use on Instagram, Nate seemed very annoyed so I left the Back Porch Club alone after that.

Megan and Janna used to live on the same street but then Megan moved because she didn’t want to live on the same street as someone who can’t pick Haechan out of a crowd of 9!!!!

My favorite part of the night was finally getting people to try makgeolli and I’d say it was a hit! Hope they didn’t like it too much since it is so fucking hard to find around here.

OK, I have been writing this for way too long.

Wendi and Ben! We almost had two Wendi/ys here but Wendy-with-a-Y was sick :(

Lori and Sandy and the Rush Audit Light!

Cara! We almost had two Cara/Karas but Kara-with-a-K was sick :(

Chronica!!

Nate and April!

Jessi and Bill!!

Margie and Lauren!

Herbert and Megan!

Chooch and Wonka talking about Computer Science thangs. Chooch became the man of the hour after his friends left and he was available to be verbally accosted by all of the adults wanting to drill him on his college plans. I tried to ask him a question later that night after everyone left and he said, “I’m all out of talks. Come back another day.”

Wow.

Megan and me! Also, my gochujang cookie looks like it has Mary or Jesus on it!?

Jess and Wonka!

Corey!

Freaking precious.

I think this one needs framed???

Glenn and Amanda!

I dunno, I think it was fun! It seemed like everyone else did too so I guess we will try it again next year with maybe more advanced Korean culture components. Photo cards, maybe?? An NCT member line-up match game?? Hangul crash course?? Korean drinking games?!

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We saw this almost immediately after leaving the ferry dock thing and I was obsessed. 

Admittedly, Estonia was not really on my radar – I mean, I knew that it existed, but it wasn’t on my short list of must-see locales. However, when I was investigating Helsinkithings, I accidentally learned that not only is it cheap and easy to make a day trip out of Tallinn, Estonia, but it’s also a very popular weekend destination for people in Finland! The one thing I kept seeing is that liquor is a lot cheaper in Estonio, so people from Finland will do day trips there to stock up, but….is it still worth it even after adding in the cost of the ferry?! I mean, the round trip ferry fare was very reasonable, but still…? Anyone from Finland reading that who can explain? Lol.

My first impression of Tallinn though was CONSTRUCTION. So, pretty much like being home in Pittsburgh. Aw. We knew that Old Town was supposed to be easily accessible by foot but the construction definitely added a bit of chaos. We followed another family pretty much the whole way until they veered off and Henry was sure he knew the way by then, but does he ever?

Yo, I’m going to do something that I should always be doing but never do and that is drop some informational facts about this place.

Such as: Tallinn is the capital of Estonia.

*ooh*

*ahh*

I love the juxtaposition between gritty graffiti and historical alleyway here.

We hadn’t even been off the ferry for a full hour yet and Chooch was already over me requesting photos. I was just really excited! I even brought “the good” camera so that I could get some senior portraits of him there!

Tallinn’s Old Town, with its epic medieval architecture, is a UNESCO World Heritage site.

You can tour the medieval city walls – and we did! Just not right when we arrived because it wasn’t open yet. FYI.

I was loving Tallinn immediately, even though I’m sure there was a lot of bickering with Henry since he nearly shat on the whole day with the EARLY DEPARTURE HOME time and then being a map idiot.

I was looking forward to this so much! It really delivered. Old Town was gorgeous, like being in a fairy tale.

And it was so good being there as early as we were because we were able to grab some great Instagram shots without flocks of tourists in the background. Because, you know, getting those shots for the ‘gram is the most important part of traveling….right? J/K I’m not that annoying (shut up) but it was still a bonus!

We had dinner reservations at 4pm (Old People Dining Time but I made the reservations months ago and wasn’t sure how long we were going to be there so I was trying to play it safe, god!), so we decided to get a light brunch type of situation.  We chose a cafe called Must Puudel.

Chooch was unreasonably mad because after he led us to a table inside, I said that I would prefer to sit outside because being indoors was making my throat tickle and then I would start coughing and no one wants that, OK. No one.

Dude. I got oatmeal with CLOUDBERRIES. The server actually tried to talk me out of it because, “….they have….unique taste.” But I knew that cloudberries were popular in that region (Finland and Sweden too I think?) so I wanted it. And guess what? I LIKED IT. It reminded me a bit of ground cherries in that they had a very mild sweetness with a tiny aftertaste of tomato? I’m not a big tomato fan unless it’s a fresh slice on a sandwich or in a grilled cheese but this was good. I liked it.

I don’t know what Those People got.

Town Hall Square. This is where the Christmas market is later in the year (LIKE NOW BECAUSE THAT IS HOW LONG IT HAS TAKEN ME TO WRITE THIS – I WAS HERE IN AUGUST FOR FUCK’S SAKE).

Did you know that Tallinn was the first city in Europe to put up a Christmas Tree in its city square?? It’s true, and it dates all the way back to 1441. I’m shook.

Anyway, after we ate, it was time to do the city wall / Hellemann Tower tour thingie! Apparently, the building itself was completed in 1355, 1410 for the tower, but it has burned repeatedly through the years and was most recently rebuilt in 2010 and reopened to the public.

It was actually harrowing to climb parts of it because there was no rhyme or reason to the steps and they were dangerously steep. I thought for sure, since I hadn’t fallen off the funhouse steps in Stockholm, that this is where I was undoubtedly going to bite it. But surprisingly, I made it up AND down without any bruises but I think I did scrape my hand off one of the walls at one point if I remember correctly.

Oh man. I could have stood there all day looking at the rooftops.

Also I would like to point out that I kept hounding Henry to take money out because I wanted to see what it looked like and he was all THEY DON’T LIKE DEALING WITH CASH I READ ABOUT IT. EVERYTHING SAYS TO JUST USE CARD and I was like, “mm ok” but then AS SOON as we walked into the tower, the man selling tickets was like, “HAHA YOU THOUGHT. CASH ONLY FOOLS” so then Chooch and I berated Henry the entire time he walked around looking for a bank or ATM. Henry can be so terrible to travel with sometimes, you guys. Leave Henry at home if you plan on visiting Tallinn. He will just hold you back and ensure that you won’t have enough time to do everything you wanted to do.

This was in St. Catherine’s Passage, where you kind find a bunch of little galleries and local artisans.

I knew this place existed from various travel videos that I had watched but I feel like if we were intentionally looking for it, FORGET ABOUT IT. We just stumbled upon by accident and I quickly realized what it was and yelled, “THIS IS WHERE THE GLASS SHOP IS!” I went inside and immediately bought cool handmade glasses for Janna and myself while Henry muttered to himself about how everything I was buying during this trip was glass.

Then we lost Chooch for a little bit. I think he was playing Pokemon Go. Henry didn’t seem too concerned.

We both had to pee really bad so we found another cafe and decided to get A SUNDAE while we were there because that’s obligatory when you’re on vacation. Sundaes for no reason, at any time of the day.

Pierre Chocolaterie Cafe!

The bathroom was soooo tiny and it was RIGHT next to the counter making it extremely awkward. Anyway, I thought the mirror was cool and I wanted to take a bathroom selfie because I’m a grown ass woman and if I want to TAKE A BATHROOM SELFIE I WILL DAMN WELL TAKE A BATHROOM SELFIE. However, as I started to take it, someone began to vigorously tug on the door knob which made me panic so I snapped it and then left only to come face to face with WAS LOST BUT NOW IS FOUND Chooch. What a fucking pest. He literally was born to troll me, I think.

I want to go back in time and get one of each.

We sat outside so I wouldn’t cough my face out, especially being surrounded by all that vintage fabric.

YEAH BOY. Henry and I shared the Dame Blanche, which was vanilla ice cream, Grand Marnier, fresh raspberry jam, and whipped cream. I wish I had just gotten my own because this was really delightful, a nice change from the standard hot fudge sundae that I would generally default to.

I made Chooch write a postcard to his Grandma Judy while we were sitting here and he was so pissed about it. He hates writing postcards which is why I, his own damn mother, didn’t get a postcard from him when he was in Mexico. I thought FOR SURE he would send one. No. Not even for my birthday.

I could have sat here all damn day.

But, we had shopping, walking, and looking to do before our dinner! MORE LATER.  I think Tallinn is going to be a whole damn series, I’m sorry. It was cool there and I took a lot of pictures, sue me.

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Hi, here I am, ’bout to be obnoxious and annoying about my NCT Dream obsession, what else is new, Herman? This was one of my favorite songs on the last Dream album but they never did any live stages of it at the music shows. So when I saw that this a part of their MMA 2023 performance, I could have passed out. I mean, I was screaming hard enough to actually pass out so it’s a wonder I didn’t.

I have watched this so many times since then, and JESUS CHRIST.

Tonight is a “relax and catch up on award show performances” kind of night. This used to be my favorite time of the year back when BIGBANG was still around because their award show stages were L E G E N D A R Y and it just hasn’t really been the same since. Sometimes I still go back and watch the old performances and I just can’t get over how next level they were, you guys. Unparalleled. Timeless. Charismatic. Straight fucking fire.

OK I’m going to go and place my kpop dinosaur self in a corner and pout now.

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Let’s free-form the shit of this thing.

Last Wednesday night, Henry and I went to see the NCT Nation concert movie in Robinson.

This time, there were way more people and even another “kpop husband” was in the crowd.  So, NCT Nation was the whole entire NCT conglomerate doing one huge concert together, all of the sub-groups, etc. They did several shows in Korea and Japan and fuck, do I wish I could have attended one of those.

Did I cry during this? Pfft, you know it, Miss Betty. The way NCT fills my heart after a long day of work and general life dread…it’s like when you take a shot of Robitussin (Janna’s #1 subject) and you can feel it heating up as it cruises through your body. That’s how NCT makes me feel. Like they are hugging me from the inside.

….that….OK that’s a weird visual.

Anyway, this wasn’t part of the movie, but I have watched this video from their concert so many times and it never stops giving me goosebumps.

All I want Janna to get me for Christmas is proof that she has learned all 20 of their names lol. (Only 19 were at these concerts because Taeil was/is recovering from surgery after a motorcycle accident.)

Bill and Jessi were in town for my party this weekend and thank god because I was so fucking stressed out. I don’t know why. Maybe it was all of the other stress that I kept trying to push out of the way, finally found a way back to the forefront and woo boy was I was mess. But having them here helped because they are two of my favorite people in the world and it’s been a MINUTE since they were last in Pgh!

Late Saturday afternoon, we left Henry at home cooking and went to Frank & Shirley’s for a late lunch after Chooch came home from his game design class at Pitt. It was SO FUCKING nice to sit still, eat a grilled cheese, bullshit, and watch Jessi follow my example of dunking the grilled cheese in a puddle of Ketchup and realize that, “OK yeah that’s good.”

It’s the only way I’ve eaten grilled cheese since I was a wee lass!

And I told them about how I used to LOVE going there in high school because there was A CIGARETTE MACHINE and wow, that’s something that I hadn’t thought about in forever, putting tons of quarters in those machines and then setting up a display on the table of all the different brands I scored. I remember getting a pack of Pall Malls and one of my guy friends being like JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, ERIN.

I have a picture of my cigarette collection somewhere. Maybe one day I will look for it and then post it here and you guys can be like, “Wow. You were so edgy. Brag some more about your dirty habit, Yellow Fingers.”

Here I am stalking Chooch at work last Thursday night. Turns out this was also the same night that the dumbass lost his wallet for approx. the 10th time in the last three years only this time, sadly it’s a goner for good. His luck hath run dry. Also, he had a tense conversation with a total BITCH of a middle aged broad with bleached hair looking like Real Housewives of Pgh reject because the sign on the Chipotle window said they’re open until 11 but that night they closed at 9. Like Chooch, a 17yo, has anything to do with that. He kept trying to walk around while her mouth was steady running.  Jesus Christ lady. Go look at the Ann Taylor website and calm down.

Drew, noticing that the Christmas decorations are back.

In other news, I have watched Queen Charlotte which I almost didn’t watch at all because she was one of my least faves from the Bridgerton series but then I got desperate for something to watch while walking in place (no, you have issues) and holy smutty fuck, no one told me that this was going to rip my stupid fucking heart out?? I don’t know if I’m just really at such a low point emotionally or if this really was that deeply sad, but I was full-body SOBBING. I can’t remember the last time I was so touched by an on-screen (and I guess moderately IRL depending on how historically accurate this was) romance/relationship. Jesus, I felt that, for Charlotte and George, and also Brimsley and Reynolds. I even started spontaneously sobbing in the shower about it.

At one point, Henry was sitting next to me and I was trying so hard to hold back my tears that I started choking and gagging, which made it worse and Henry was like, “OK as if I didn’t know you were crying.”

Damn, that hurt. A lot.

I also watched School Spirits which also felt like I was cutting, but on my psyche and not my skin?? I thought I had signed on for some light high school television but no, I got fully invested in every character and cried my contacts cloudy during THAT one too!!

Well, I’m going to go now. Coaster Kev from our trip (Chooch’s favorite of the 4 Kevins, in case you were wondering) just posted his Liseberg video and I would like to curl up under my blanket, maybe sip from kombucha, and relive the trip that I still haven’t finished writing about. #priorities

P.S. NCT DREAM CASUALLY MENTIONED IN AN INTERVIEW TO SOME AMERICAN MEDIA OUTLET LAST NIGHT THAT THEY PLAN ON TOURING AGAIN NEXT YEAR SO LORD HELP ME.

P.P.S. I have slowly been admitting to those around me that when I saw NCT Dream last April, it made me more emotional than when I saw the Cure those two times over the summer. I said what I said. That doesn’t mean The Cure has been dethroned!! But I think when I used to get emotional over the Cure, it was for different reasons. I was SO FULLY DEPRESSED (and suicidal, no use in hiding it) when I was REALLY getting into the Cure, so for a long time, when I would see them in concert, it felt like opening old wounds, most actually had never even started to close at all. So I would OF COURSE feel gutted and next-level emotional. But I am so far-removed from those years, from that dark part of my life, that I was eventually able to get to the point where I can listen to the Cure without laying in the fetal position on the floor with a bottle of Manischevitz.

But with NCT Dream, it’s different. It’s new. It feels more personal, like I know them, I care for them so much, I’m hugely protective and proud of them. So when I saw them last April, here for their first US tour, I was like out of my mind delulu. Like hysterical. And to this day, if I think about it, I start to cry because I feel so grateful to have been able to go and support them in person and see them on a stage so close up and watch them sing and dance to my favorite songs that have brightened my days for the last several years. It’s a different kind of emotional. I love being a Czennie <3

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I have to skip ahead several hours to our evening in Tallinn where we finally, thanks to Henry changing our ferry time, got to go to the Depeche Mode bar! Apparently, Chooch was still one year shy of drinking age in Estonia (I think he could have drank in Denmark and Finland, but he had no desire to and I am not going to be mad about that) but if he wanted to, he could have marched his ass right into a store and bought a fifth of whateverthefuck if he so desired, or if he had lazy parents who didn’t feel like buying their own booze.

So, that’s a fun fact!

Anyway, we pretty much sat around the corner and counted down until 6PM so we could casually stroll in as soon as the doors opened since Chooch tacked on his little +1 coaster credit excursion which was outside of old town and somewhere in actual Tallinn so we wanted to make sure we were allotting enough time for that as well since it was going to require us to walk a bit and take at least one bus. Love that for us.

But look – this was so worth it! I have loved Depeche Mode since I was a kid so when I heard that there was a whole-ass bar randomly in Tallinn’s Old Town dedicated to them, I was NOT budging on this piece of the itinerary. Non-negotiable. We were going to have at least one adult bev in this bar AND THAT’S THAT.

First, I loved that we had to walk down steps to get here because basement bars are the best bars (looking at you McCoy’s, or whatever you’re called now). Second, I recognized the bartender from Instagram and he was so cool and nice!

It was worth it. Chooch was happy because there were some arcade games, I was blissed out because there was so much memorabilia to ogle while being enveloped in an aural Snuggie of Depeche Mode, and Henry got to have a beer or whatever and also sit down which I sometimes toss to him like scraps under a table for a dog. He doesn’t NEED it but sometimes I like to treat him, you know?

It was dark & cozy & I really could have easily stayed here for hours, thanks for ruining my plans, Chooch!!

Depeche Modes videos were projected onto the wall, of course.

The only way this could be any better would be if it were themed to The Cure, but I am sure there are Cure bars somewhere out there and if not….hey, Henry? Now just hear me out….

Chooch was like, “This is cool I guess” and Henry was secretly glad that he was able to reschedule the ferry – I know this to be true in my heart. He will never admit to it though.

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But yeah, IN CONCLUSION: if you like Depeche Mode and happen to find yourself in Tallinn, pop into DM BAAR for a drink and dark vibes. It’s worth it. And Henry even bought me a coffee mug when I was in the bathroom blowing my nose because this was Day 2 of Travel Allergies, yay!

And now I will leave you with one of my favorite DM songs and if I had heard this while there, I think that’s the only thing that could have made the experience any better short of Dave Gahan actually walking in and sitting down next to me.

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I don’t have an intro unless you count this as an intro, if so, say hello to my intro.

1. The Demon of Brownsville Road – Bob Cranmer

Ughhhh. Janna tried to warn me that this book is abysmal and she DNF’d it, but I am a stubborn ass and needed to see for myself. So yes, I knew going into this that the book had a bad rep but I was still interested since I have lived near this area all of my life. Just…wow. This book is TRASH. Terrible writing, boring, DID YOU KNOW HE WAS FRIENDS WITH MAYOR TOM MURPHY. He mentions it approx. 87 times lest we, the big stoop readers, forget.

I was totally rooting for the demon because this guy was so annoying not to mention a megalomaniac and Republican to boot. Literally the only characters I liked were the dog and cat. I can’t believe this book was ever published, it was so shittily written and had way too much information about Bob’s non-Brownsville house years that we were, for some reason, expected to give a shit about? I think this man just thinks way too highly of himself and somehow thinks the rest of us should too.

I should have listened to you, Janna. There, I said!

2. There’s No Way I’d Die First – Lisa Springer

2 stars. A bunch of shitty, rich high school kids are terrorized by a killer clown at a Halloween house party. Look, I get that this is YA but the assumption that a book can’t be good just because it’s YA is so incorrect. But this YA book definitely fulfills that stereotype. One-dimensional characters. Far-fetched but not in a fun way plot. I should have DNF’d this one but it was “morning walk audiobook.”

3. The Boyfriend Candidate – Ashley Winstead

3 stars. I loved how it started, the fake-dating trope worked for me here, but a lot of this was just plain boring. It was just like Winstead’s other romance, which centered around the main character’s older sister, so this is sort of like #2 in an unofficial series, I guess. Much like that book, this one was also super political, centered around a campaign, and it’s not even that I don’t like politics, but those parts were just very boring and drawn-out IMO.

What is up with Winstead writing great first novels–her first thriller was a 5-star for me, and the aforementioned first romance was a 4 I think – the older sister was a much more fun character to follow, honestly.

4. None of This Is True by Lisa Jewell

I really enjoy Lisa Jewell’s domestic thrillers. They’re twisty and entertaining, which is all you can ask for in a thriller, right? I thought that this one started out strong. I was into it – birthday twins who meet when they’re celebrating their birthday at the same restaurant. One is a put-together, successful podcaster and the other is a plain Jane married to a man double her age. Ugh, I hated her. She was insufferable. At some point though, I realized that I just didn’t care about any of these people and by the time the twist was revealed, I was just kind of like, “OK shrug.” I realize that a lot of thrillers require you to suspend disbelief, but for some reason, I just couldn’t do that with this one. The writing was fine, and from an audiobook POV, I enjoyed the podcast portions.

I gave it a three, which isn’t bad. It’s just that I’ve read better Lisa Jewell books.

5. Now You’re One of Us by Asa Nonami

This a pretty short Japanese thriller with Rosemary’s Baby vibes about a young woman who gets married and moves in with her husband and his parents and extended family. She can’t believe how lucky she is because his family so carefree and down-to-earth, but then a neighbor commits suicide by setting fire to his house and taking his whole family with him. The new wife starts to get suspicious when she COMES TO FIND OUT that there is a connection between him and her husband’s family. I thought it was ok! Not every groundbreaking, but it held my interest and these days, that’s all I can ask for.

6. Midnight Is the Darkest Hour by Ashley Winstead

OOF. I gave this a three now that I’m looking at Goodreads, but I think I needed to subtract a star in hindsight. I don’t even know where to start. I’m starting to think that Ashley Winstead isn’t one person, or she has multiple writing personas, because so far all three of her thrillers were seemingly written by different people. I can’t reconcile the fact that the same person who wrote In My Dreams I Hold a Knife also wrote this Twilight fanfic word-slop. And that ending. That ain’t it. I gave this a 3 because I somehow thought it was less-bad than The Last Housewife, but I’m going to knock off a half star after pondering it a bit more.

7. The Narrow by Kate Alice Marshall

OK now this is what I was talking about when I said “just because a book is YA…” earlier in this post. I really enjoyed this interesting, unique sapphic ghost story. I liked every character – they were well-written and came alive more and more in my mind as the story was told, and the boarding school setting was just the cherry on top.

8. The September House by Carissa Orlando

FIVE FUCKING STARS FIVE FUCKING STARS DING-DINGDING-DOO. A quirky, unique haunted house novel, hilariously written while somehow making me want to retch with some of the grisly descriptions. I…am smitten with this book, didn’t want it to end, am smiling right now in real time while thinking of some of the characters (Frederica!!). The quick rundown is that this book is told from the POV of a middle aged woman, Margaret who, along with her husband, finally move away from a lifetime of renting and purchase their first home, which upon first set seems like their dream house. Except that it’s a hotspot for hauntings, especially in September when shit really hits the fan every year. After three years, the husband is like, “I’M OUT” and leaves, so that’s where the story starts. Our main character is like, “No because look, this is my DREAM HOUSE and I am not going ANYWHERE” so she finds ways to sort of appease some of the ghosts (she can’t get the walls to stop bleeding though) and then when her adult daughter realizes that’s been a minute since she talked to the dad, she is all, “I AM COMING OUT THERE” and then hilarity ensues as Margaret practically barrel rolls through the house trying to keep the hauntings at bay, but then it inevitably turns into a bit of a Drop Dead Fred scenario once the daughter arrives. This was gold. About to see if Carissa Orlando is on IG so I can BE IN THE KNOW when she publishes her next book!

9. Gorgeous Gruesome Faces (Gorgeous Gruesome Faces, #1) by Linda Cheng

YA horror centered around several Asian American girls trying to become kpop stars. I wanted to like this way more than I did.

10. The Woman in Me by Britney Spears

Five stars for having the courage and strength to take back her life and put the truth out there. And she didn’t even go hard against her family and everyone else out there who screwed her over – that speaks volumes. My family better change their names if I ever decide to write a tell-all because I don’t think I could be that understanding and mature about it! I whipped through this entire book on Thanksgiving. I have loved Britney since her debut with Hit Me Baby and my love never wavered no matter how many of my friends made fun of me (I guess it’s supposed to be impossible to like goth music and also bubblegum pop, I dunno, that sounds like a rule to me and I don’t like rules) and will always have her back.

P.S. I know we all BEEN KNEW but man fuck her little prissy bitch ass sister.

11. Butcher & Blackbird (Ruinous Love, #1) by Brynne Weaver

Eh. I felt like a lot of this was ripped directly from the show Hannibal. Basically, two Dexters (one guy, one broad) are competing with each other to be the first to murder another serial killer. It’s supposed to be thrilling I guess (it was at times) and also a romance but I honestly was skipping over the XXX parts because it was so corny. It ended on a cliffhanger but watch me not pick up the next one.

12. Monstrilio by Gerardo Sámano Córdova

I really have nothing else to say about this other than it’s beautifully written and one of the more interesting takes on horror that I’ve read. Basically, a grieving mother “grows back” another version of her recently-deceased son by taking part of his lung and “feeding it.” I gave this a 4 only because it’s technically supposed to be horror but there was nothing about it that actually scared me.

13. The Night House by Jo Nesbø

Another interesting horror! The translation of this was great, the writing was great, the characters were great. Starts off strong with a kid getting sucked into and eaten by a telephone in a phone booth and the other kid who’s with him struggling to get the authorities to believe him about what happened.  This is my second Jo Nesbo and I’m down for more.

_______________

*outro*

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Thursday morning, our second to the last full day of vacation, we had to wake up stupid-early in order to start our trek to the ferry. The timestamp on the above photo is 5:56am so there you go. Rise and shine.

I think our ferry departed at 7:30am so we had to leave around 6am to take the various modes of transportation from our airbnb in TAKA-TOOLO (love that so much but I’m too careless and dead inside to fuck with finding the accents to put over the o’s) to Central Station and then to the ferry dock thing.

I am a great travel blogger! I have ALL OF THE FACTS AND INFO. Planning a trip to Tallinn from Helsinki? Hit me up and I will….ask Henry how we did it.

Took this while walking to the bus/trolley stop, near Linnankosken Puisto, a park. It made me think of NCT DReam and their song Puzzle Piece <3

The quiet Toolon halli stop.

Central Station – we were here quite frequently!

Final leg of our trek to the ferry harbor (West Harbor)!

We had some time to kill before boarding or whatever they call it when it’s a boat, so of course we had to smash some cinnamon rolls in our faces. I’m telling you, not a bad cin-roll was had on this trip.

Hi, it’s me! In shorts for the first time of the whole trip! Actually, I’m having deja vu…did I already write about this??

(Confirmed, I apparently blogged while on the ferry, LOL.)

Henry didn’t sit with us the whole time because we were gang-complaining about his breathing lol.

The ferry ride took about 2 hours and I have to tell you, for being a short commute situation, that ferry was pretty banging. Bar/lounges, game rooms, Burger King. It was pretty comfortable!

Immediately upon arriving, Henry let it slip that we were catching the 6pm ferry back to Helsinki and I was like, “Excuse me, sir?” because one of the most anticipated things on my list was to visit the Depeche Mode bar in old city, which didn’t even open until 6?? And Chooch conveniently found some run-down city park with a credit that he wanted to get and normally I’d be like, “This isn’t about you, go sit down!” but even I had to admit that the possibility of Chooch obtaining some obscure Estonian coaster cred was something that I, as a loving mother, needed to help make happen. So, we both started harping on Henry BIG TIME, who was RULL agitated now that he didn’t have the COASTER CREW shield to hide behind. All travel hiccups were now his cross to carry.

Anyway, he did end up getting our return trip changed until later, so we were moderately nicer to him after that. It occurs to me that if any one came to this blog for the first time, not knowing me, they’d be like, “WOW THIS LADY IS A REAL FUCKER SHE DOESN’T EVEN DESERVE THAT GUY” – lol, who am I kidding, there are people who actually do know me that say the same thing! One time, my AWOL friend Barb (BARB COME BACK) said that Henry must have Stockholm Syndrome and that has been something I laugh about fondly from time to time. LOL oh Henry. But if not for me and Chooch, would he have ever even gone to Estonia?? WOULD HE HAVE EVER EVEN HEARD OF ESTONIA? We have really broadened his horizons. He should be thanking us.

OK, I am busybusybusy today so I will report back later this weekend with probably non-vaca stuff.

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Hello. I have been obsessed with the above Heinz pickle ad for at least 10 years, if not longer. Back when I was on Facebook, the clown in the lower righthand corner was my banner photo for a long time and it pissed off all of my coulrophobic pals.

Every so often, it would come up as a memory in my phone and I knew someday I wanted to do something cool with it.

Then about a year ago, I wanted to redo the beverage buffet we have in our living room. I really loved it for a long time, and it helped me serve many great punches and sangrias at an array of parties over the years. But the gold glitter lost its sparkle, Jan. I wanted Henry to revamp that one but then he was like, “I have its twin in the garage, we can just start from scratch.”

Why the hell did we ever have two of these?! I don’t even know where they came from?? Henry the Hoarder’s Magic Garage, I guess. Like Mary Poppins’ bag, but with tools and random furniture that he must trawl the streets for on garbage night?? Now I know what he’s doing when he leaves at 3am “for work.”

Anyway. The original iteration of this that I had in mind was not what ended up coming to fruition. That’s what happens when projects come to a halt for literally an entire year because other more important things came up. Henry only got as far as priming it, so when I asked him last month if we could start it up again, I already had a different vision. Still the clowns! Still the same color palette! But different.

Enough words. Here is Henry hot-gluing faux fur to the sides the other night!

When I was in 8th grade, there was an issue of Sassy magazine that had a piece of wild clothing – there was a pair of faux fur overalls that I wanted DESPERATELY from a shop in NYC called Antique Boutique. My mom even called  to see if we could buy them over the phone (lol 90s) but they were sold out! Basically every since then I have had a soft spot in my heart for faux fur.

Which has encroached onto Henry’s life and he hates it so much. “This is the worst stuff to work with!” he always huffs and puffs.

I found the perfect fabric from Spoonflower, which has a few coats of resin, then the cutouts of each clown was placed down and coated with more resin. You can’t tell in the photos but it gives it a 3-dimensional feel.

I knew that I wanted the cabinet pulls to be pickles, and then thought it would be cute to use dill pickles for the drawer handles. I found perfect versions of both on Etsy but then at the last minute (ie two days ago) I said, “Henry! Can you make a drawer handle out of a rubber chicken?”

And he was like, “Sure, Erin” in a low, guttural FML tone.

The chicken arrived today!

And now the buffet is complete! The old one is getting moved to the attic so Chooch can keep his games in it. So don’t cry for the old buffet-tina.

I’m really into it!

Squirrel snacks already in place!

Hard to take a good photo without glare from  the resin, but these are so good IRL. It’s literally exactly as I had envisioned. Henry is really amazing (I mean, OK, let’s not get carried away, he fucked up several times and I screamed my head off, but here we are!).

I have to send a photo of this to the seller on Etsy because she makes crazy realistic pickle chips and these worked perfectly!

I’m so happy with this garish, ridiculous chunk of furniture. Another item that Chooch is going to inherit one day and be like, “the fuck am I gonna do with this, now?” Family heirloom! Imagine if Henry could quit his idiot job and make OOAK pieces as a business. Oh, Honestly Stupid Furniture. What if he went rogue though and started making like, Ted Nugent Cat Scratch Fever-towers or THE SERVICE servers.

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Uh, somehow, I forgot to my October book recap, I can’t imagine why. #stress #changes #newneighbors #help

1. Delicate Condition – Danielle Valentine

I gave this a 4 at the time based on peer pressure, but in hindsight this was barely a 3. Just go read Rosemary’s Baby instead.

2. Just Another Missing Person – Gillian McAllistor

I really enjoyed this multiple POV thriller. My second McAllister book – I think she’s going on the short list of authors whose new releases  I look forward to! This was a very twisty missing person (wow you don’t say) story and the only issue I had was that one of the POVs was kind of pointless and didn’t add very much to the plot, and she wasn’t even an interesting character.

3. Mary – Nat Cassidy

Yoooo, remember what I was just saying up there about Gillian McAllistor? Punt Nat Cassidy to the top of that short list because his horror-writing skillz made my heart swell. Interesting characters; biting, snappy, witty dialogue; actual well-written horror scenes that made me feel sickly and gave me chills even while listening to this audio book (superb narration BTW) in broad daylight on neighborhood strolls. I LOVED THIS BOOK. If I was backed into a wall to give a gripe, I guess I would just say that it felt a tad longer than it needed to be. But the characters! The ghosts! The story! M A R Y!! There were parts to this book that I felt under my skin. Loved it. His new book is currently waiting for me at the library so I will RUN NOT WALK there tomorrow after work to snatch it up!

4. The Family Game – Catherine Steadman

Eh. Writing was fine. Really unlikeable characters – some intentionally unlikeable, but I didn’t care for even the good ones. Unoriginal plot. Just eh. Mindless thriller.

5. A House With Good Bones – T.Kingfisher

This is my third or fourth Kingfisher book and I just adore their writing. Dialogue can break a book for me so easily, I don’t give a shit how well-built a world is or how brilliant the plot is. If someone can’t write natural discourse for their characters, then I am immediately taken out of the story.  But this was chef’s kiss, an original take on the haunted house trope, and honestly it was also a depressing and very real exploration into family dynamics and loss. I highly recommend this. ESPECIALLY the audio.

6. Burn the Negative – Josh Winning

See above re: dialogue writing because I’m sorry Josh but you ain’t Winning at that. This wasn’t even remotely scary, but actually so fucking stupid which sucks because the synopsis made it sound like something I would love.

7. Looking Glass Sound – Catriona Ward

I loved “Last House on Needless Street” by this author so I was stoked when this arrived at the library for me. Guys. I’m sad. It was FINE but it didn’t punch me in the face like her last book. Also it was kind of hard to follow and I’m still not sure I completely understood it so maybe this book is actually utterly brilliant and I’m just too much of a stoop.

However, I can’t deny that Ward is an incredibly gifted and smart writer. Maybe I just wasn’t in the right place for this one. October was pretty fucked up for me emotionally and mentally, so…let’s blame it on that. I might revisit this one day.

8. Lay Your Body Down – Amy Suiter Clarke

It was OK. If you enjoy religious coverups / church scandals / grooming / then you might like this one. I like all of those and in theory this book should have been super enthralling to me, but it ended up being just OK, fine. I think I’m just too hard to shock because when “the thing” was revealed, I was just like *shrugging unicorn emoji* Why am I so hard to please.

9. Death Valley – Melissa Broder

Oh how it pains me to say that I only gave this a 3. I loved Broder’s Milk Fed so goddamn much, it was a 5-star for me, so this one was highly anticipated. Oh, it still was packed with her irreverent asides and hilarious comedic writing, but it was the story itself that fell flat for me personally. I loved the first half. I loved her conversations with the desk people at the Best Western she was staying at, and her subsequent unhinged sexual fantasies involving them. But then she gets lost in the desert and the rest of the book is just a fever dream fuller of inner monologues and observations. I quickly grew bored, I’m so sorry Melissa!!

10. Black Sheep – Rachel Harrison

LOVE this writer so much. She is top tier with witty dialogue, and her ability to write…well, not really “horror comedy,” but maybe…”light-hearted horror”? Is that corny. That’s corny. That’s too Lifetime. Quirky horror. We’ll go with that. She writes the disgusting scenes, isn’t afraid to get bloody, but her books still have me cracking up bigly. I’m glad that I didn’t read much about this one going in because I had no idea what the actual plot was, aside from the fact that it’s about a woman who goes back home to the town she couldn’t wait to escape. And her mother is a great American scream queen, but I just kept picturing her as Elvira, lol.  This was a great read, perfect for October.

11. Cover Story – Susan Rigetti

I needed this book more than I realized after a month of horror and lots of misses. It was quick, engaging, set in NYC and partially revolving around an ELLE internship, turns into a caper. This was a lot of fun. And I liked that there were emails and text messages breaking up some of the chapters.

***

And that was October. I guess 5 “I really liked this” books isn’t too bad…?

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Hello from the other side of Trudy’s blinding lights! She is fully dressed and ready to face another December holiday head on. I do have to admit that I am way less into decorating her lately and prefer to let a few strings of lights and her rockin’ bod do the talking, you know what I’m saying? Less is more in the case of Trudy.

I still asked Janna to come over and we admittedly just sat on the couch, wine in hand, watching Henry fuck with the lights. Then I strangled her with some garland, topped her off with her Santa hat, and found a pair of daisy sunglasses which were calling her name.

I mean, it’s hard to fuck it up, really. She’s already such a dish that it’s essentially just gilding the lily, AS THEY SAY (I learned that from TERESA STRASSER on While You Were Out!).

Then I made Janna watch a bunch of NCT Dream stuff and roller coaster vlogs while we ate Chooch’s homemade version of Chipotle guac. It was a nice night, overall! And I’m so happy to have the room awash in Trudy’s majestic glow once again.

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You guys. I admit, I had my doubts when Chooch suggested going to this place called SEURASAARI in Helsinki but then he sold it by pointing out that it’s also affectionally called “squirrel island” by the locals, since it’s inhabited by adorable squirrels and other allegedly friendly wildlife. Anytime we plan a trip, I’m always begging Henry and Chooch to throw some of their ideas into the hat because while I do enjoy being in control, sometimes I want other people to step up and say, “This is what we’re doing today, and that’s just how it’s going to be.”

Henry suggested nothing, as I’m sure you could have guessed, but Chooch did provide some suggestions. I can’t ask for this and then reject it all, you know? So Squirrel Island it is!

It was just kind of a hassle to get to because we had to transfer one or two times, I think and then walk a bit because we couldn’t figure out if there was a bus that would take us straight to the island, so we basically were just dropped off at the entrance of the long road leading up to the island, but that ended up being a nice walk, actually.

I wanted to talk briefly about the bus ride though because we were facing a trio of girls, maybe 19-21? I have a hard time detecting ages nowadays. But it was clear that one of the girls was the leader, as she was sitting in the middle showing the other two things on her phone. It sounded like they were looking at apartment listings maybe? They were speaking in Finnish but every once in a while, parts would be in English, like when the leader said, “Oooh, super cozy!” And then at one point she was like “*Finnish Finnish Finnish* That FUCKING BITCH!” in unaccented English, and I was trying so hard not to crack up because she said it in such a cheerful tone. I was obsessed with her and wanted to go wherever she was going, but our stop came up first.

On the walk to the island’s entrance, we passed several old houses that had been converted into restaurants and cafes. They all looked, well, super cozy that FUCKING BITCH. It was pretty much like walking through a wooded park – not too much traffic and very tranquil. I’m kind of glad that the bus dropped us off on the main drag because it was a very pleasant walk!

Immediately upon arriving at squirrel island, there was a refreshment stand so we had to get some ice cream.

SALMIAK for me, of course! God I miss that salty licorice goodness. That FUCKING BITCH.

OK, I know – it’s getting old. I’ll stop.

The actual “island” is accessible by a pedestrian bridge, no need for a ferry. The cool thing about this island as well is that it’s an open-air museum, where you can see old buildings from rural Finland in the 18th-20th century. It’s free to walk around, since it’s a public park, but paid admission is required to access the insides of the buildings. We were there STRICTLY for squirrels, so we opted out of that.

I’m gonna go ahead and give props to Chooch, because this place was an absolute delight. We really needed to get out into nature after days upon days of amusement parks and big cities.

JUST LOOK AT THIS.

Gorgina.

(One of my favorite YouTubers says that and now I have this impulse to say it constantly like a nervous tick even when shit’s ugly.)

So over me, lol.

Ugh, these trees. Gorgina.

Ugh, this windmill! Gorgina.

My fucked up eyes couldn’t even tell at the time that I was taking unfocused pictures in portrait mode, lol I hate myself.

Dude, a telephone booth from 1913!!

Apparently, this place has a NUDE BEACH but it was CLOSED on the day we were there lolol.

Here’s a video that Chooch took of me trying to give a squirrel a leaf (SORRY, I DIDN’T KNOW WE WERE ALLOWED TO BRING ACTUAL FOOD TO FEED THE SQUIRRELS! I’m so used to people here yelling at me for feeding the squirrels so I assumed it would be verboten!):

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For some reason, this was viewed over 10,000 times in Instagram/Facebook?! Why?

Then we lost Chooch at some point and at first I was like, “Whatever, he’s 17. He’ll be fine” but we were also near water and I started panic that he fell in and drowned?? I don’t know why my mind immediately went there, oh wait because underneath it all I’m still a mom, but I got REAL SWEATY about this. Henry was like, “Can you calm down, I’m trying to identify this bird over here” but then Chooch eventually rejoined us – stupid ass was looking for a goddamn geocache. He is so annoying!!

Here are Chooch’s photos from that day as well! He actually created a shared folder, I can’t believe it. Also, his camera lens appeared to be super smudgy so that’s cool.

This was the bridge leading to the island, btw.

Ugh, his idiot geocache.

Other notable things:

• there are tiny birds there that will land on your hand if you’re patient enough. Chooch spent many minutes trying to make this happen. It never panned out for him, though;
• we saw some people playing some game in a field with sticks and a ball – maybe it was this molkky thing? (see video!)
• there were several groups of college-aged foreigners that we encountered and it looked like they were for some team-building camping thing? I’m no camper but if I had to camp somewhere, I wouldn’t mind doing it there I guess.
• clean bathrooms

Then we walked all the way back to the main road again and caught the bus back to our place and got vegan pizza for dinner. We tried to make it an early night because we had to get up fucking early as shit the next day to catch our ferry to our fifth and final country – Estonia!

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Hello from 2023 where I am currently stressing out over Chooch / college / etc. When I say it’s eating away at me…well, that’s a lie because then I would be actually losing weight instead of gaining weight, which is what all of this absurd stress is doing to me. IT’S FEEDING ME. Anyway, I was searching for something on my blog yesterday and this old post from 2014 came up which made me feel all nostalgic and sad. Also, it’s apropos because Pitt is in his Top 2 currently which is pretty cool. So I’m resharing this. Enjoy the pictures of 2014 Chooch *cries in Aging Mom*

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Sometimes, Chooch and I give Henry a break and venture off on our own, except that by “on our own,” I mean “definitely with a chaperone.” Originally, Chooch and I (+ our chaperone Janna) were going to go to see The Secret of NIMH at the Hollywood Theater, because that was one of my favorite childhood movies of all time but no way does it still make me cry, OK? But then I saw that the sun was going to be out all day and I didn’t want to be in a dark theater during that, and it’s all about me anyway so I didn’t really ask Chooch and Janna if that was OK.

Instead, we went to Oakland because I thought it would be fun to show Chooch the Nationality Rooms at the Cathedral of Learning, which is part of the University of Pittsburgh. (Maybe some people reading this aren’t from here, I don’t know! God.) I’d call it my alma mater, but I didn’t actually graduate and I’m not a liar.

On the drive there, I jokingly said I had to quit college because I became a mom*.

“To who?” Chooch asked, and then within a minute of me posting that exchange on Facebook, someone corrected Chooch’s grammar. Thank God for the Internet. But you know, I guess that’s my fault for typing my conversations verbatim, instead of editing to make my 7-year-old sound like a pretentious grammar douche and not, you know, a 7-year-old. He’s got the rest of his life to learn how to talk like Mr. Belvedere.

*(Anyway, this isn’t true. I quit because I was bored, frustrated and realized that college definitely wasn’t for me. I mean, it didn’t do much to help me, because luk att how turrible i still write-z0rz.)

As soon as I parked the car, I realized that I didn’t have my wallet which was devastating because the plan was to eat lunch there afterward and I’m not going to lie, I was already starving.

When you walk into the Cathedral, it’s like being swallowed by a gothic cavern. There’s this amazing Great Hall that would make Hogwarts’s figurative weener shrink; you set foot in it and it’s like being transported back in time. The Cathedral of Learning was my favorite thing about Pitt. It had been about 6 years since I had gone back, so the novelty of it was definitely there.

You know what else was there? Chooch’s Grand Canyon-esque echo. Just what everyone there wanted: my kid’s ever-running mouth in primitive surround sound.

The audio tour for the Nationality Rooms isn’t free, but the rooms are open to the public regardless, so we just took our own tour, renegade-style. Whatever that means. I’m on my fifth cup of coffee. This was just as well, because Chooch’s attention span did not allow us to stay in any one room for more than 3 minutes. (Except once, and it wasn’t even a nationality room; just a regular classroom as non-descript as Henry’s wardrobe.)

Chooch’s attempt at college math. In his head, this made sense.

A ceiling in one of the rooms, the nationality of which I do not recall because I quit caring after the fourth room when I noticed that Chooch was no longer carrying his phone and Bunny (I didn’t even notice that he brought that damn thing!) so we had to backtrack and if there’s one thing I hate, it’s backtracking.

(I just imagined myself having to backtrack in Alaska and I think I’m done with this day now.)

Chooch made a beeline for the blackboard in every room and immediately left his mark. In a lot of the rooms, there was the same writing in Chinese characters, so Janna and I started saying, “Looks like Chinese Chooch was here” and of course Chooch didn’t get it which made it even more fun to say.

We kept trying to get him to look at the shit in each room, but he was under the chalk’s spell. So basically, it was for the best that I left my wallet at home and couldn’t pay for the audio tour.

 “Guys, come on.” Sometimes I really have no idea where he gets his independence, but that kid walked around like he owned the place.

Don’t worry, Chalkboard NARCS & Religious Zealots, I erased it. (2023 Erin: Wouldn’t it be funny if this was FORESHADOWING.)

Sadly, being a non-traditional student (and part-time to boot) didn’t leave me with too many fond memories, though a painting of Copernicus in the Polish room recalled a time when I made Janna enroll in the same Magic, Medicine and Science class, because see above where: I really have no idea where my kid gets his independence. This was back in 2004, Jesus Christ—TEN YEARS AGO. (See? I don’t need no college degree.) Anyway, that class was a piece of shit and our instructor was some young broad named Holly who hated us because we sat in the back of the class with some lady we befriended and we would literally sit there and write shit to each other in our notebooks while Holly and her class pets would go off on tangents about Plato’s Cave.

Anyway, one of the things Holly would make us do was read a million pages of super-dry Galileo bullshit from our overpriced text book and then write an outline, except that she called it some fancy word steeped in academia because “outline” was too pedestrian. Turns out I was a natural at these bullshit papers, and you know who wasn’t? Janna. On the first one we got back, Holly had scribbled angrily in red marker about how Janna had PLAGIARIZED and to this day, this is the best thing that ever happened to me in college. Not making the Dean’s List. Not having my Creative Non-Writing instructor tell me I was her favorite student (hahaha). Not watching my College Algebra teacher repeatedly Windex herself in the face instead of the overhead projector.

No, it was Janna being accused of plagiarizing her HOMEWORK. That was the best fucking day.

Having to PeeSoBad in the Italian room.

 Seriously, this kid. I tell him, “Go stand there so I can take your picture” and he does something Chooch-y every time.

Ladies Room Selfie. Yeah, that’s right. When Henry’s not around, Chooch loafs in the ladies room.

Haha. “Loafs.”

We walked past the room where I had an English Comp class and that made me think about the time Christina was visiting from Cincinnati during the spring of ’05 and she decided to come with me and hang out on campus while I had class. I specifically told her what time class was over and I made sure she had the room number memorized so I EXPECTED her to be waiting outside the door like a good fucking puppy at exactly 3:30.

Of course, she was nowhere to be found, and this was before either of us had a cell phone (I was notoriously anti-cell phone; she was just notoriously poor) so I marched all over the fucking Cathedral, breaking out into a sweat and eventually having to stop into the bathroom to pee because hide and seek has historically always revved up my bladder. Finally, I ran into her as she meandered out of a stairwell, no big deal.

“Oh, was class over early?” she asked casually, BECAUSE THAT BITCH THOUGHT SHE WAS EARLY. Do you know why she thought she was early? Because she never set her watch ahead for daylight savings time and she was actually an hour late because she was too busy lounging outside in the grass, watching people JOUST.

I was only That Mad because everything Christina did made me That Mad.

Thoroughly interested in reading about this giant tome of sheet music. Thank god.

I’d love to see how he sits in his actual 2nd grade class.

I found the aforementioned College Algebra classroom from 2006. “This is where I used to sit while you were in my belly, I mean, sitting next to me in your unhatched pod,” I sighed with maternal warmth to Chooch, who was 100% not interested.

Like so many dummies, I was forced to take remedial college math courses because my cumulative high school math average was not cutting it. (Somehow in high school, they kept putting me in advanced math classes even though I kept telling my guidance counselor that I was bad, just plain no good at math.) But I didn’t hate college math because I had the best instructor ever. Joanne was the fucking shit and quite literally gave me so many “a-ha!” moments from which I definitely would have benefited in high school. Her classes were the only ones I enjoyed going to and actually spoke to the other students. (I’m still friends with one of them IRL, actually. You know, as opposed to just in Toon Town.)

On the first day of that class, we had to go around the room and introduce ourselves. When it was my turn, I blurted out, “AND I JUST FOUND OUT I’M PREGNANT!” Totally taboo to make such a public declaration so soon into the pregnancy but I was so excited. This class was full of older, non-traditional students, so no one really shirked away from me like the younger students did in my geology class, but that might have been because my pregnant, bloated belly got stuck behind a desk one day, and that was when the professor had to go and get me a desk that had a detachable chair. That was a really awesome memory.

Anyway, this particular math class was split in two, but most of us ended up together during the spring semester too, and those sneaky brats, along with Joanne, had a fucking baby shower for me during class one day! (Much to the chagrin of the men in that class.)

I still get all teared up when I think about it. OK, sorry Janna the Plagiarist, but maybe that’s my favorite college memory.

(2023 Erin again: I hadn’t fallen down the K-hole yet – LOL OK that doesn’t work here, now it just sounds like I’m a drug addict and not a Koreaboo – so I didn’t realize in 2014 that the first thing written there in this picture is HELLO IN KOREAN. I actually assumed that I had written it until I saw that this was 2 years pre-lifestyle change.)

Report if you see bullying to the chancellor’s office, is what that is supposed to say, but Chooch kept saying “chandelier.” This was after he tried to force his way into said “chandelier’s” office. Thank god it was Sunday.

And locked.

Like real life college students, we were starving and thirsty, so Janna suggested that we go to the basement and see if the vending machines took credit cards but they only took Panther Cards, which are the dumb college card things and Chooch was like, “YOU WENT HERE SO WHERE IS YOUR PANTHER CARD? USE YOUR DAMN PANTHER CARD!” But Mean Henry would never let me put money on my Panther Card because what…I’d use it to buy Adderall? Who knows. And even if I did have one back then, hello, I haven’t been a student since 2008; go get your own Panther Card, Doogie.

Look at me, giving my kid a taste of true college life! Spread your wings, Chooch!

Even though we were ready to collapse with hunger and thirst, we’d have been remiss to leave without taking Chooch to the 36th floor to take in the nauseating view.

Man. What a great afternoon.

****

When we went home to retrieve my wallet, Henry was lounging about like the goddamn Sultan of Brookline.

“I can’t believe you didn’t check in on us, not even once!” I cried.

“I knew where you were,” he said casually, so now I’m convinced he’s having me tailed.

 

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