Hi hello hey ho ho ho! I thought that maybe it could be fun to a round-up of some of my favorite 80s walking workouts for today’s FRIDAY FIVE. Mostly because three of my go-to YouTube fitness channels uploaded one in the last two weeks, totally randomly. And I don’t know about you but I have been less than inspired to venture out in the cold this winter and have been relaying on  these types of workouts to get in my steps (and get off my dumb ass). I have been pretty unmotivated lately because of winter blues and work stress and just the world in general, but these five videos have been doing more than their share to get me stoked for walking.

1. Up To the Beat

I love Gina B so much which is actually pretty off-brand for me because she meets all the criteria for someone who would typically get on my nerves – am I changing? Growing as a person?!?! Maybe it’s her accent.

2. Get Fit with Rick

Dude, I love the tracks he chose for this!!

3. Moore2Health

Careless Whisper and Easy Lover. Here for it. This doesn’t even feel like exercise!

4. Reps to the Rhythm

This guy’s videos always make me smile because his foster cats are usually raising hell on the sidelines!

5. emkfit

This is more of a classic Fonda aerobics workout but it has some great jams, like NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP. Let’s goooo.

***

I hope you find something here that makes you wanna get up and move! I’m all about promoting physical activity and while I try to not be over-the-top and pushy about it, there’s still a big part of me that wants to wear a whistle around my neck and blow out everyone’s ears with it.

BIG NOSE

One of my friends on Instagram just posted something about a friend told her she shouldn’t get photographed on her left side because her nose looks bigger from that side and just reading that triggered me and immediately queued up a VIVID memory of standing in the lunch line in 7th grade, minding my own business, when ADAM CUNTSKE (named changed since people always seem to Google themselves and find my idiot blog) said 갑자기, “You have a really big nose.”

To me!

And yeah I guess I do probably but it was literally something  that I never thought about back then probably because I was too fixated on being FAT, A BRACE FACE, HAVING A SHITTY PERM, ETC. But great, let’s add “BIG NOSE” to the arsenal.

Additionally, ADAM CUNTSKE and I had never once exchanged even a hello. I don’t even think we had any classes together (he was REMEDIAL. Take that, ADAM CUNTSKE).

Then several years ago, he had the audacity to send me a friend request on Facebook, back when I still used that societal scourge. Of course I screamed NOT TODAY, ADAM CUNTSKE. Come on, really? Aside from commenting apropos of nothing about my bulging beak, we had shared approximately zero words all  the way throughout high school. Maybe he has a boner for big noses now!?

LONG TIME NO GINGER

A few weeks ago, I was on my way back home from a lunch break walk. It was a really unseasonably beautiful day which meant I got roped into THREE conversations with strangers all on Brookline Boulevard, how fucking blessed. One old dude pulled up to the curb as I was lost in an audiobook and I caught him frantically waving in my periphery. I had to pull a GAYLE who used to listen to audiobooks at work and would hold up one finger while she searched for the pause button anytime someone would approach her desk. Shout out to you, Gayle!

Anyway, after I properly paused my book, dude was like IS THE HOTDOG PLACE OPEN. Like he really wanted me to walk over to HANK’S HOTDOGS which OK I was about to walk past it anyway but now I had to go all the way up to it because my eyes are bad and I couldn’t read the sign that was taped to the door from where I was standing, mole eyes and all.

I read the sign and reported back. “IT SAYS THEY’RE OPEN UNTIL 3 BUT I THINK IT’S A LIE BECAUSE IT’S ONLY 2:30 NOW AND IT APPEARS TO BE CLOSED” I shouted through his passenger side window from my firm stance on the sidewalk lest he try to grab and pull me through said open window. He just stared at me like he was not happy with this answer so I was like, “Oh OK, I guess I will go back and TRY THE DOOR in order to give you the most accurate answer.” So I did just that and looked over my shoulder to see if he was witnessing me being unable to pull open the LOCKED DOOR. This, paired with my exaggerated AW SHUCKS shrug, appeared to satisfy him so he shouted, “OK THANKS HONEY” and then pulled back onto the boulevard.

ANYTIME, GRAMPS.

Then I was cutting through the CVS parking lot, where some guy was giving himself a bath with handfuls of snow, I swear to fucking god. There was some redheaded broad in front of me who went inside CVS just as some old man with a cane exited. She was 100% still in earshot when the old man locked eyes with me and exclaimed, and I mean WHOOPED, “Wow, it’s been a long time since I seen a GINGER!” I was like, “*stunned*” but we had already made the aforementioned eye contact so now he wanted to talk to me about the skating rink at the bottom of his road that he was on his way to conquer.

“Oh wow, be careful with that,” I said with a nervous laugh, having no idea wtf he was going on about.

“*something about a water main thingie breaking*” he mansplained.

“Oh OK, well, good luck, haha,” I laughed uncomfortably, trying to edge away and OMG why did I leave the house.

BROOKLINE HERO

There’s some road work happening on one of the side streets so there are tons of DETOUR construction signs lining the road I live on. However, we have been experiencing some pretty high winds lately and almost all of them have been knocked over. On Saturday, Henry and I were walking to the library when he was like, “THIS IS RIDICULOUS” after we hurdled over the second felled sign. And then he proceeded to PICK IT UP and replace the SAND BAGS. You guys know I was losing it over this. Anytime Henry does anything like  this, I wish he had a COSTUME to wear. Like maybe a cape made of Faygo t-shirts, attached to an actual blue collar.

Luckily, he picked up another sign too so this time I was prepared.

“Oh hurry up, get the camera ready,” he mumbled.

Then he started bitching about unions and how it’s not like the pubic works people were going to come back and fix it, and that, “someone has to do it.” He really carries all of Brookline on his back, you guys.

JANNA’S CURTAINS

Janna bought a house during the height of the pandemic and I finally got off my ass and went over to see it this past weekend. Of course, I had to bring Henry because she had house issues for him to assess.

My favorite thing about Janna buying a house is that she has been having a feud with a curtain rod. It keeps falling down and pulling out parts of the wall with it. SHE EVEN HAD A PROFESSIONAL come and fix it at some point, but it still happened. She sent me pictures of the ruined wall and Henry was so angry about this. “SHE HAD A PROFESSIONAL DO THAT? I COULD HAVE HUNG THAT FROM HERE.” He was seriously angry about this and now I think Henry should start a grassroots fix-it operation where he makes sure women don’t get screwed by repairmen.

Anyway! Corey also knows about the curtain drama, so as soon as we walked into her house (she tried to wave us in from inside but I was like NO YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE DOOR AND FORMALLY INVITE US IN JANNA COME ON LET’S GO) I tossed my phone at her and squealed, “TAKE A PICTURE OF ME NEXT TO THE CURTAINS SO I CAN SEND IT TO COREY!!”

It would have been amazing if the curtains fell mid-picture snap.

Oh well.

Her house is so cute though, curtain issues aside! Don’t worry, we’re going back next weekend and Henry will have his HERO BOX with him.

Also, I brought some of my NCT albums to show her and she actually sighed exasperatedly and then tried to deny the exasperation!! I made her sit there while I named all 23 members and Henry was probably thinking, “Finally I get a break from the NCT fanaticism” until I dragged him into the narrative by saying things like, “RIGHT HENRY?” and “HENRY TELL HER WHO YOUR BIAS IS” and he was like, “Can I please just sit here in peace, petting Janna’s dog and watching The Office reruns? We might not have a union, but heroes are entitled to a break too.”

WORDLE

I have only ever posted my dumb Wordle results once ever on Twitter when I guessed AROMA on the second try, but I thought this one was hilarious because I have never in my life used the word TACIT yet somehow it came to my mind? Also, Chooch and I both used the same word for our first guess yesterday – GHOST. We are definitely related.

All three of us play and are very competitive (OK maybe only two of us are).

ENDING FAIRY 

OMG can I end this with an NCT video? Can I please??

I really think I like NCT Dream the best out of all the NCT sub-units?! I have been on a huge Renjun kick lately and I think he might be my current favorite NCT vocalist??

ALSO HE WAS WEARING A PITT SWEATSHIRT IN THIS VIDEO WTF YESSS!?

I used to be really into going to major FOODIE type of restaurants, but lately I’m looking for something a bit more down to earth than sitting in a candlelit room with yuppies, having the essence of hickory and truffles elegantly farted into my face by a haunted accordion. I mean, that shit is cool for a second but sometimes I just really want to eat comfort food in some small town dive with the local yokels, you know what I’m saying?

I guess this is our current version of “going out on dates” since Chooch has ditched us for That McDonald’s Life. Not gonna lie, it’s been nice to get out of the house and neither of us are opposed to driving out of Pittsburgh so it’s been nice to see non-Brookline sights. Even rural shit, I guess.

For this weekend’s diner date, I let Henry choose. As usual, he chose poorly. It was some place called G&G’s or something else equally auto body-sounding. It was in VANDERGRIFT, whatever that means, and at first I was like, “OK G&G’s, I see you. Let’s goooo” because it was situated squat in the middle of an adorable small-town street (actually, it was on the corner) and it looked cute! Not all like tires were getting rotated in the back!

Except that it was PACKED and not regular-PACKED, but TIGHTLY-PACKED. So as soon as we walked in and put our name and number on the list, I felt panicky. I mean, I’m getting less OMG about eating in restaurants during The Bad Times, but I’m not OK with crowds still. And I really didn’t want to sit in the middle of so many small-town mouth breathers just for the sake of a grilled cheese that, let’s be real, would be devoured within 4 bites.

Since the host had my number, we went back to sit in the car. There was nowhere to stand in the little foyer without jutting your buns into the face of diner.

We had only been waiting in the car for about 10 minutes before I started getting RULL antsy and “don’t they know who we are”‘ish, so Henry was like, “OMG fine let’s find somewhere else to go, fuck me for trying to choose a place without your consent.”

THAT’S RIGHT, BITCH.

I ended up finding a place through my nemesis Yelp that was allegedly “9 minutes” away. At first I was like, “I’m not sure about this place, it has taxidermy” which is obviously completely off-brand for me. But at the same time, it was the kind of DARK LOG CABIN vibe I was yearning for and just didn’t know it.

On the way there, that fucking G&G motherfucker had the audacity to call me to tell me our table was ready. Cool fucking story! I was mad that they called and not texted (you know, with their restaurant landline) so I refused to answer out of principal. They called right back! Jesus, why are you sweatin’ me, G&G?? Get a life!

Anyway, we rolled up to BONFIRE and I was like, “OK, this is nothing to look at from the outside” and then immediately upon entering, we were cock-slapped in the face by a wall of stale cigarette stench because the steps to the basement LOUNGE was right next to the entrance. I was tempted to go down there and check in on the sad sacks crying into their beers, but there’s always next time.

The front room was empty aside from a table of OLD MEN REGULARS who told us to just go ahead and sit down. I had lowkey Blue Flame-circa-1984 vibes,  to be honest, and even though I still was MEH about the DEER HEADS everywhere, I was really feeling like this was the place that I was meant to me, fuck you G&G. (And you too Henry for suggesting that dump.)

Henry immediately headed straight for the bathroom while I chose the one booth that was situated right next to a beam on one side – Henry’s side, lol.

The waitress came to get our drink orders and she was so adorable in a cowgirl flannel and Princess Leia buns. She said she loved my sweater and I sang, “I THINK I’M GONNA LIKE IT HERE” in my best Annie impersonation while Daddy Warbucks was pissing in the john.

“How was the bathroom?? Was it cool??” I cried after Henry returned and finally managed to get situated in the booth without having to slice off part of his gut first. (And yes, I was a good orphan and ordered a stupid unsweetened ice tea for him in his absence.)

“Not really, it was just a regular bathroom,” he said. “Nothing special.”

“OK well I’m taking my phone anyway just in case,” I cried as I rolled out of the booth toward the restrooms. Henry never thinks anything is special so I’d be the judge of that.

It was OK! Kept up the dead animal theme.

Back in the LODGE, Henry ordered cole slaw and something called Texas Toenails or something from the appetizer section of the menu – he was really flexing that Faygo salary. Meanwhile, someone sitting at the Old Man table had a ringtone that sounded like the horn of one of those mini-big rigs that the SHRINER’S drive down my road during the Memorial Day Parade.

Hold please, while I find an example.

LOL I just caught Henry looking all around for the sound.

Every time that notification went off, I pictured one of the old guys paying the check and then peeling out of the Bonfire lot in his bitchin’ Shriner mini-car, honk-honk motherfuckers. Why was this so stupidly funny to me??

I finished the word search in like 5 minutes or less because I am actually a prodigy at word searches in case you never read about me in the local Pennysaver or whatever. Also, Henry thought our server’s name was Audible and definitely not Autumn.

Dude, this grilled cheese was just what I needed. And I stole some of Henry’s fries which were JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT. Yeah, I could handle the whole HUNTER’S LODGE vibe a lot better if all the dead animals were fake. I felt like a hypocrite gushing over how JUST MY STYLE that place is! But it’s true! I love dark/dim restaurants. Sigh.

Meanwhile, there was a steady stream of old country classics playing, as expected. I don’t like country at all but if I’m going to be stuck somewhere enduring it, I would definitely prefer the stuff from the 70s and early 80s, like Kenny Rogers or Dolly Parton shit you know? So I wasn’t mouthing off about the Bonfire soundtrack at all. However, at one point, this one song came on that made me straight up drop my grilled cheese.

“OMG I HAVEN’T HEARD THIS SONG SINCE I WAS LITTLE AND IT’S BRINGING BACK HIDDEN MEMORIES, MAYBE OF MY BIO-DAD???” I hissed across the table because god forbid any of the deer heads heard me baring my soul. There was literally no one else around us but them. :(

It was that I WOULDN’T HAVE MISSED IT FOR THE WORLD jam and I was like on the verge of spurting out tears.

Henry couldn’t remember who sang it, and I’m certain I probably never knew, so a quick Shazaam learned him  that it was Ronnie Milsap.

“Oh, I never would have guessed that,” I scoffed. “I don’t even know who he is, just his name.”

“RONNIE MILSAP?!” Henry repeated, like OK I already said I know the name, just not really who he is but cook on with your irritating reiterations, Chef Dick. And then, “THE BLIND COUNTRY SINGER!!!??”

The way he said this, totally blurted it out across the table in this serious, frenzied way like he was the friend I phoned and he was telling me the winning answer.

We locked eyes for a moment just as the SHRINER NOTIFICATION went off 4 times in succession at the Elder Table and I just lost it, mid-chew, about to spit out a glob of grilled cheese cud onto Henry’s glasses. It was the most hilarious 3 seconds I’ve experienced in quite some time, Henry’s dire Milsap description followed by clown horns. I was choking at that point, tears streaming down my scrunched up fat face, and even Henry started laughing but I don’t think he knew why.

OMG I will never forget RONNIE MILSAP ever again except for when I started to write this portion of the blog post and had to google “Who sings….” because I totally forgot.

THE BLIND COUNTRY SINGER.

JOHN WAYNE SHIT.

SAW SHIT.

OK somehow I ended up feasting on coconut (WHY DO I ALWAYS TYPE COCOCUNT AT FIRST???) cream pie three weekends in a row, and I have no regertz. This one was so good and totally my style!! I knew as soon as AUDIBLE was walking over playing a sample of THE LAST BUCKAROO* with my slice of pie in her hand, that this was going to be a winner. For starters, it had WHIPPED TOPPING. And the actual coconut cream was fresh and homemade-tasting and not snot-textured and vanilla pudding-y which is my least favorite kind and sadly the kind that Janna and I had two weeks ago at that other place I was obsessed with but already forgot the name of.

*(I literally just googled “What are names of classic western books” lol)

This is where all the CIG STENCH was emanating from.

Oh shit, I should have checked the menu to see if they have SHIRLEY TEMPLES because this totally seemed like the type of establishment that would.

Anyway, I am smitten with this place. I want to go back soon-ish and check out the BACK ROOM which seems to overlook A GORGE. Or maybe just a slight hill.

I might have my birthday dinner here so stay tuned for an invitation. The Watering Hole area would probably be a great place for an AFTER PARTY. If I send you an invitation, you better show up and say I WOULDN’T HAVE MISSED IT FOR THE WORLD.

First round of Shirley Temples on Chooch!

I bought this jacket from Valfre sometime toward the end of 2019, thinking it would be a good transition jacket to wear once spring 2020 rolled around.

LOL. But then we all know what happened early in 2020.

I was actually only able to wear this jacket once to work on a mild day that winter, and then it eventually found its way to the attic closet with my other winter coats that I would rarely use since leaving the house was not a thing anymore.

Our Pittsburgh office tentatively set a return to office date for April. My department will be operating on their own remote working policy though where we – last I heard, anyway – will only be required to come in twice a month, or more if we want.

Personally, I think I would like to come in once a week because I miss that old routine, I miss my downtown walks, I miss my desk (though we will probably be looking at a desk-share sitch which is not desirable but times they are a’changing etc etc). Obviously I miss my work friends but I really don’t think many people will be choosing to work from the office so I probably still won’t see many people on the days I do opt to go in and also the snack table will probably never be a thing again or food parties or meetings in a conference room (I am sooooo burnt out on virtual meetings – it is really the only thing that I truly HATE about working from home).

And true to form, the stupid trolley is having some type of bridge repair done on the line I take and it won’t be done until fucking summer so now a dumb shuttle has to be used and I have been on that boat before (er, bus) so now the COMMUTE ANXIETY is hitting me already and nothing has even been confirmed yet!!

I found my Valfre jacket when we were cleaning out the attic so one thing’s for sure: I know what I’ll be wearing on my first day back.

This concludes my Sunday night post-from-bed.

That feeling when you wait all week for the weekend and then it’s just a freezing cold snowy day so why bother doing anything, you know? Ugh my spring anticipation is off the charts. I keep seeing these big fat ass robins around my porch and they are bringing me hope. We were also teased with two mild days earlier in the week which was like walking out into a dopamine wonderland.

We were going to get Korean food for lunch today but I am so unmotivated. Maybe?

In other It’s My Life So That’s What I Write About news, a Verizon salesman came to our house last week. Of course, henry was upstairs when dude knocked and I have a firm Anti-Door-Opening Policy, so I fled with the cats upstairs and panted, “Henry! Someone! Door! Knocking!” I then proceeded to eat my dinner (oatmeal, my winter smoothie bowl transition) on the steps with Penelope, both of us cowering in fear.

But yeah, just a Verizon guy, trying to get us to switch from Xfinity. I knew that Henry wanted to do this anyway at some point but I still figured he’d be like “go away.” Except that he talked to the dude for like a solid 15 minutes.

“That guy was really cool,” Henry said later. “He used to be a journalist in Afghanistan!” Henry was fixated on this. So much so that he told the guy to come back the next day and he’d sign up. Why he didn’t just do it then, I have no idea.

Of course, the dude didn’t come back the next day at the designated time. Henry paced back and forth by the window like a fisherman’s wife watching for the ship, until 7:00pm came and went. “I guess he’s not coming,” Henry sighed, and then left to go to Lowe’s.

OF COURSE thee came a knock upon the door (shout out to Janna who was helping me film a video in English class and couldn’t remember her line of “someone is knocking” and blurted out “there came a knock upon the door” instead like some Dickensian savant) thirty minutes after Henry left. It was his Verizon Buddy’s partner, making good on the promise to return. Now I was saddled with this responsibility of signing up for Verizon!!! FML. I shouldn’t have answered but the guy was knocking so jovially and I knew, presumably, that it wasn’t going to be a villain, so I put my Big Girl Pants on and dealt with it.

Long story short, I was entertained for nearly 20 minutes by the tweedle dee and tweedle dum of Verizon. It was like amateur mic night and my front porch was the little known comedy club The Brookline Bellylaugher. Super nice guys though! And they were like desperately trying to edge closer into my house to get a better look, it was hilarious. Every time one of them would finish giving me some VERIZON IS BETTER THAN XFINITY factoid, they’d interrupt themselves to say, “OMG that thing is so cool!!” and then I’d have to turn around and try to figure out what they were pointing at. They both really loved the Mouse Attack sign.

If I wasn’t home alone in the middle of a pandemic, I would have certainly invited them in. But also, it was 8pm in February in the middle of COVID uncertainty, so I stayed inside the house and they stood back on the porch, and this is how we conducted our business. I signed up and completely screwed up the deal Henry was going to get, but it’s fine! These are things you have to expect when you leave the most helpless member of the household in charge of decision-making.

Luckily, Henry came home while they were still sitting in their car so he stopped them, like, “ho ho ho! Here I am, you promised me a $200 gift thingie, let’s talk about this.”

Anyway, everything is all ironed out I guess. The Verizon tech dude came to my house on Tuesday to do the installation and he too was like *POPPING EYEBALLS* as he walked through the house to the computer. The thing he liked the best was the Seoul subway sign, in case you were wondering.

Poor Taemin got bumped around a lot, but we are now Verizon internet customers, after more than a decade of Henry desperately wanting to switch but being unable to because I was in BAD STANDING with Verizon from a bunch of years ago when I had a landline through them and racked up a HUGE phone bill when I was in Australia and never paid it because I switched some fly-by-night service and that’s a whole other story that I barely remember now because what’s a landline, wow.

The installation also conveniently happened right smack in the middle of a training call I was on, so I had to keep saying, “Dawn? Hey, Dawn? The Verizon guy is here again, can you give me a few minutes?” and I truthfully don’t think she gave a shit either way lol.

I forgot that I took this picture last Saturday when Henry and I were in Brownsville (which apparently was a big deal and numerous people on Instagram were like WHY WERE YOU IN BROWNSVILLE because I guess Pittsburghers aren’t allowed to be there who knows). There was an abandoned church that I wanted to have my picture taken in front of because I liked the door (you never know with me) and one of the windows was broken so we could see this creepy basement scene.

I also forgot to post this from last weekend! It’s my new necklace from The Idol Collective. I love her jewelry and pins sooo much. I found her years ago when I was looking for BIGBANG enamel pins because at the time, she specialized in Kpop pieces but has since branched out to other things and I just love it all.

Look at this boo babe!! He’s OOAK. I set a reminder on my phone so when her most recent shop update went live, I could swoop in and snag him. I love being A WINNER.

What else happened this week….

We were watching some kid do an unboxing of NCT albums while talking about her biases.

Henry: Wow. Who *isn’t* her bias?” Me: I mean it’s really hard to not have like 10 NCT biases. Henry: I don’t have any. So it’s really easy, actually.

Shut up Henry. Everyone knows his bias is Jungwoo.

Henry: He’s not my bias, though! You just assigned him to me because that’s your way of getting to have an extra bias! Through me!

This might be partially true. Here are my NCT biases even though you didn’t ask:

• NCT127: Jaehyun. It used to be Haechan and Jaehyun was my bias wrecker, but then I decided to make Jaehyun my official NCT127 bias, and you’ll see why in a second. (Because you care.)

• NCT Dream: Renjun. Bias wrecker: Jaemin

• WAYV: Xiaojun

• Overall NCT Universe bias: Haechan and Ten

Haechan was the first person in the NCT Universe who I really really really liked and latched on to. He has the most unique voice out of any of them. Honestly, he is so underrated as a vocalist in general.

Ten is a fucking dancing beast, and he is one of my most charismatic and fun to watch of all the members! Since he’s also a member of Super M, I got to see him in person back in 2019, where he also performed two solo songs and it was so fucking dreamy. He is one of the most mesmerizing dancers in the whole damn world. Also, he hates fruit to the point of being actually afraid of them which is hilarious to me.

There, now you know my NCT biases. I mean, there are 23 members overall! How can you have just one!?!?

In non-Kpop news, we finally got confirmation yesterday from the study abroad program that Chooch received *almost* a full academic scholarship for the summer program in Yucatan this July so what we actually to pay is minimal, thank god. We would have tried to make it work regardless because this will be a great experience for him and something that he can include on his college applications (do not want to think about this at all right now).

I asked Henry today if he thinks Chooch will be OK without us for 4 weeks.

“I mean, he’s never been away from us for that long! What if he can’t sleep at night because he misses us so much?” and the response I received from Henry was a silent “COME THE FUCK ON NOW” smirk. OK fine. Maybe it’s me who won’t be able to sleep hahaha ughhh.

Anyway, it’s amazing that he qualified for anything because this is the thing I mentioned a few mths ago where one of his essays sounded like it was written by a sociopath.

More Chooch news: he showed me a slideshow presentation he did for school wherein he eschewed capitalization and used comic sans. “It was an ironic stylization choice,” he shrugged. And the other day when everyone was ballistic because the Wordle word was so fucking aggravating? He got it on THE SECOND TRY. I know this because I was sitting right next to him before we left for school and I was so fucking pissed.

I started having sporadic electrocutions in one of my knees last week and I am totally fixated and wigging out, much to Henry’s chagrin because I always pull him into the WebMD abyss with me. Me: Feel my knees! Do I need more fat in them? Should I be doing cartilage stuff?

Henry: Yeah. Let me know how that goes, doing ‘cartilage stuff.’

Ugh, I hope it’s OK. It only happens sometimes, like I’m not in constant pain but I’m also super babying both knees now to the point where I am afraid to kneel, squat, etc.

Me: What if I have to get a cast?? I can’t use crutches!!! I’ve tried!!!

Henry: WTF, now your leg is suddenly broken? Why would a doctor put you in a cast??

Too late, I’m spinning out. It’s bone cancer. My knee cap is popping off. I have water on the knee. (Fun fact, when I was 10, I was convinced that I had this affliction after reading about it in the Merck medical journal that I kept on my night stand and then I went on vacation with my grandparents right after and proceeded to write about it ad nauseum in my vacation journal and it was not meant to be taken lightly but when my grandma read it, she was like, “OH HONESTLY ERIN” and then laughed herself to tears.

OK but 30(ish) years later, here I am! With a knee ailment! A veritable swimming pool atop my knee! Probably! Who’s laughing now, Grandma?!

I was going to end this with an NCT Dream video but you guy(s) are probably sick of that so I’ll give you a break. (For now!)

I can’t believe I’m a full day late on this but Henry’s bias & our monstera namesake Wonho is back with a new series of body rolls backed by a BOP.

(I need to interrupt myself here to say that I actually can’t get behind calling songs “bops” and I don’t know why exactly. It always makes me think of buying Bop magazine from DiStefano’s pharmacy for the COREY HAIM content so you’d think I’d be down with the bop vernacular but I’m just so partial to JAM.)

Anyway – Wonho is fucking THRIVING on his own. Ugh I love him lots please go support this true gem.

Hello, it’s me looking old AF! Time for my annual “boo hoo Henry shat the bed on Valentine’s Day again” pout sesh. Actually, it’s FINE. I’m over it. And I’d rather have someone who does everything I tell him to do on any given day than just on holidays. I mean, it would be nice to be given some romantic garbage on the designated love day or whatever, but WE CAN’T HAVE IT ALL.

It’s kind of funny to me though because for like two weeks leading up the 14th, I kept cornering him with a shiv to his  jugular, hissing things like ,”YOU GOT ME SOMETHING FOR VALENTINE’S DAY RIGHT” but I guess it didn’t get through to him because it took literally HALF A DAY to TEXT ME “Happy Valentine’s Day.” A TEXT!!!

And then he done knew he fucked up so he WENT TO CVS (I’m assuming) on his way home from work and got me some Barbie journal kit, chocolate, and some gift card that he made that said a bunch of shit about being a fuck up and that I can spend $$$ to buy myself something….bitch like I need your permission?! I have a job!

Then he mumbled about how he was going to get me an NCT Dream something or other but “they didn’t *mumble mumble*” and I was like, “OK bro, just stop.” Jesus.

Truthfully, I like it better this way because I can use this as leverage to get my next project started.

And yes, I even wore a cute heart shirt for nothing!! (Well, not entirely for nothing. We had a team meeting that day so at least I looked Valentine-y I guess.)

Honestly the best part about Valentine’s Day was the Sugar Spell Scoops pint drop!!

I think Mint To Be is my current favorite?!

My real Valentines. ^^^^^

This was how happy we were the evening lol. I didn’t even let Henry do a walking workout with me! There was a Paul Eugene Valentine workout we were going to do but then I was like, “Fuck off, I don’t work out with haters” and I DID A DIFFERENT WORK OUT. BOOM, SHOWED HIM.

I did plan advance for the Annual Disappointment by buying myself these cuties!

Oh well, I guess after 20 years, you’d think I’d stop expecting a Valentine’s Hail Mary from Henry (is that right? I don’t fully understand sports sayings but love to use them, inexplicably lol) but you know, deep down, I AM JUST A DUMB GIRL WITH A STUPID BIG HEART UGH. More importantly, WHAT SHOULD I BUY NOW THAT HENRY HAS GIVEN ME PERMISSION TO SPEND MONEY LIKE IT’S 1955??

ANOTHER NEON SIGN??

A RING FROM THE KOREAN JEWELER WHO DESIGNED HYUNA & DAWN’S ENGAGEMENT RING?

A CASE OF THESE NOODLES FROM INDONESIA??

OK, let’s move on now. 2/14 is in the past and on the bright side, we’re that much closer to SPRING. Everything feels better in the spring. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have NCT videos to watch because I love them more than Henry hahahaha.

Some of you may be asking, “Erin, do you still have a child?”

“What’s going on with Chooch?”

“Did CPS finally succeed in taking your kid away?”

I’m happy to report that I still do have a child, actually. And now I will give you some updates on his life which will be hard considering that he is At That Age where it would be nice if someone could also give me some updates on his life, you know.

• He’s been on a solid 4.0 streak in high school! Glad he still loves school
• However! He is still consistently proving that his school smarts don’t transfer very far into real life. For example!! He gets out of school on Wednesdays and that’s also one of his regular days off of work so I never expect him to come straight home. Sometimes he’ll take the T to the mall with his friends, or they’ll hang around Oakland after school because Oakland is also the home to Pitt’s campus so there is a ton of shit to do there.
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  However, this one recent Wednesday, I hadn’t heard from him since around 3:30 and it was now nearly dinner time (lol like we have traditional “dinner time” at our house or something) and he still wasn’t home, nor was he answering me. I started to get mildly anxious about this after awhile which was actually good because it meant that I really do have some sort of maternal stuffs in my blood or whatever.

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  But then Henry got pinged when Chooch used his credit card (which Henry has parental control over, not me, lol) at Boyce Park. Ok so you’re probably thinking, “OK he went to a park, big deal” except that this park isn’t nearby and the reason he went there was to go snowboarding AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT HE HAS NEVER SNOWBOARDED BEFORE. EITHER HAVE THE TWO KIDS HE WENT WITH. Oh and also, none of them had the proper WINTER SPORTS costume!! They were all dressed in tennis shoes, jeans, and hoodies. No gloves! No boots! No hats! Snowboarding for the first time without any of their Mommys there to scream and wince every time one of them so much as tripped over their own foot. Of course Chooch’s phone had died shortly after leaving school, but he didn’t think this was a problem since he allegedly told (“told” is the operative word here, not “asked”) us the day before that this was the plan and he must have whispered this into the cat’s ear and relied on her to pass on the secret, which I’M SORRY BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Anyway, I was so mad! And then, the richest part, is that he had the audacity to call Henry from one of his buddies’ phones at 8pm to ask for a ride home (for all of them!) when they MISSED THE BUS because they were ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD. Henry said all three of them were sopping wet messes and his friends happily described in detail the part of the adventure where Chooch fell and did a 360 flip going down a hill and I am so fucking glad I wasn’t there to see that because y’all know I’d have had jello legs and probably would have barfed too.

• He continues to be the Most Frustrating Person To Text:

• We play Wordle every day and it’s really killing our relationship. He is convinced that I cheat and I DO NOT CHEAT. He just sucks at knowing words.
• Can you guess what the weirdo wanted as a reward for getting a 4.0? A stuffed Bambi that he saw at the Kohl’s checkout.
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  He was going to buy it for himself because Henry had just finished paying but then at the last second, Henry grabbed it off of him and bought it himself, lol. Chooch did a dumb victory dance and I was like, “Wow, so this is 15.” And then I thought back to myself at 15 and nodded. Yep, that’s 15!

• I bet he’s lost every single one of those pencils I bought him last week.

This sucks. I barely see him anymore because of his dumb McDonald’s job so this isn’t much of an update. But I will say he brought home a meatless Big Mac a few weeks ago (literally everything but the meat). I thought it was dumb and made fun of him but then I said, “OK LET ME HAVE A BITE” and it was actually good, lol.  McDonald’s is still the worst though (his manager is a dumb cunt I swear to god, I want to fight her) and I hope he gets a better job once he turns 16.

Oh here he is, just coming home from his weekly thingy at the Carnegie Science Center (it’s like a mentor program thing where they learn how to use 3D printers and stuff like that I dunno I only half-read the thing and still made him sign up for it because I thought it would look nice on college applications yes no maybe dot dot dot…) so I said, “Oh good, you’re home – THINK FAST tell me something you’re into lately” and he said, “I dunno – puzzles I guess. I’ve been doing Sudoku” and I screamed, “Oh I like Sudoku too!” and then we just fought over who has been doing Sudoku longer (me) and who is better (me) so good job, Blog, you made us fight.

(It doesn’t take much haha.)

*I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. 

Hello from a Sunday in Brookline! I have prepared for you a photo dump of pictures that I commanded Henry to take of me yesterday as I am going through a pre-mid-life crisis, as mentioned in my last post. I think mostly it is because not getting to work in an office has made me sad for the closetful of clothes that I barely have an opportunity to wear anymore. But then I figured – whoever said these are work clothes only, right? So even though we were only going to some casual family restaurant for lunch yesterday, I wore one of my favorite blouses and fun fur cropped coat that I actually forgot I had which is a good indication that I possibly might have too many coats? Lol, never!

After lunch, we went to “downtown” Brownsville which is really just a super tiny town by the river, and collected some LOOKS from the locals who apparently did not appreciate my flamboyant coat. Oh wellz0rz, make way for the real city folk, I guess. (Lol, says the bitch from PITTSBURGH.)

First, I made Henry take a picture of looking like I was ready for PARTY TIME.

Then we walked onto A BRIDGE and it was really cold but I was a true professional as always and told Henry to quit his bitching and take my fucking picture.

He was always standing so far away from me and not even trying to do cool angles – I miss Chooch! Granted, he bitched a ton too but at least he has an artistic eyeball. Henry does not have an artistic eyeball although he claims he used to enjoy taking pictures when he was younger but now I have made it hate it.

“DID YOU USE A BROWNIE CAMERA?” I screamed, laughing to the point of tears as usual. He just mumbled something about dumping me into the river and stalked away, lol.

“Thanks for cutting off half of my foot!” I berated Henry.

“Take a picture of me adorably looking out across the river,” I instructed, because Henry does not take any initiative. (He did take a GREAT shot of his palm right around this point though.)

Truce.

“Really, we walked uphill over ice because this is the red door you saw from the car?” Henry grumbled. I liked how it looked, OK???

I’m actually cracking up here because there was a steady stream of traffic passing us by but Henry was the one who was acting embarrassed, lol.

Just when Henry thought he was off the hook, I made him go to a second location near our house after this and he was like OH BOY THE FUN NEVER FUCKING ENDS I JUST WANT TO TAKE A GODDAMN NAP.

I pulled out all of my REAL PROFESH POSES for this round. (Also this is the same place I took these photos of Chooch several years back!)

I really gave it my all, you guys. I was like WHAT WOULD TWIGGY DO. (LOL, the fact that that was the first model name I thought of, OK Erin.)

I mean, you’ve seen poses like this in Vogue, right?? Or maybe it was Yoga for Dummies.

In between poses.

I had to crop a ton of these because Henry stood 2374982374 yards away from me like he was afraid of getting kicked or punched or something. Like I’d ever….lol.

This is my new arm thing I guess.

LOL something scared me as Henry was taking this and I kept it because it is SO EMOTIVE.

More arm stuff.

This was me walk-lurching toward Henry afterward and I feel like this is a very accurate depiction of me IN MOTION.

New leg pose.

Oh this was fun, because as I was hanging onto the fence, I was pulling it slowly toward me without realizing and then I screamed because I thought it was opening and Henry was like “GOOD JOB, IDIOT.”

Well, that’s all for now. I finished watching All Of Us Are Dead today but Henry just started it so I guess I’m watching it again – maybe this time I’ll count how many times they say 씨발.

Ever since going to lunch with Janna last week at HILLS, I have been on this kick of finding more family restaurants that appear to have not been renovated since the 60s. And then I remembered that there was this one place I had wanted to eat at back when Janna, Corey, and me took a tour of Nemacolin Castle, but it was closed so we ate at some other place instead. 

As usual, my compulsion to blog every minutiae of my life came in handy when I couldn’t remember the name of the place I wanted to eat (or the name of the place we ended up going to!) but a simple search on OHE learned me that it was the Chuck Wagon Restaurant and it still exists! So that is where Henry and I went today for lunch and I dunno why I was so excited about it – OK it’s because I saw a picture of the interior and it looks like exactly the place you would never expect to see me at but also everything that I love about a family eatery!

As soon as we walked in, I was squealing. This was exactly what I wanted! Henry is smiling because a Happy Erin is a Happy Henry.

This was when I wanted him to take a picture of me with the gumball machines as the background but Henry is unable to master any photographical challenge I give him. Like, who puts their phone that low?? Also, he said, “It’s a good thing I came with you so that you fit in somewhat,” which cracked me up with its accuracy because literally every man there was in camo and every broad there was dressed like they were there with someone wearing camo. If I had not been in such a great mood, I would have had some above-a-whisper commentary, the kinds that always make Henry want to curl up inside himself under a table in another state.

COLE SLAW TIME! It was pretty good! Very KFC-esque, which I like. Additionally, I ordered a grilled cheese which was fine for the $3.95 it cost (although it did not come with the tomato I ordered! Luckily, Henry gave me his tomatoes from his burger that had not yet been touched by the dead flesh, phew). Henry said his (farmer’s!!) burger was good.

(It had an egg on it so I guess that’s what constituted it as a “farmer’s” burger??)

Meanwhile, there was a conversation between three elders going on in the booth behind Henry and involved MEDICAL things which I do not ever want to hear about no matter what the scenario is, like you might say that there is a time and a place for a conversation about SURGICAL SCARS but for me, it’s “never” and “nowhere.” At one point, the one woman GOT ON THE PHONE WITH THE SUBJECT OF THE SURGERY and was practically hollering, “How big were your stones??? How big did you say your stones were??? The stones! YOUR STONES! HOW BIG WERE YOUR KIDNEY STONES??”

I fucking promise you I’m not exaggerating this. The following video is the aftermath of said phonecall, when all three people at the table were shouting out numbers and measurements of stones and I wanted to puke:

We had discussed earlier that Henry would order a piece of coconut cream pie for us to share because I didn’t want my own dessert (we had Valkyrie donuts for breakfast!) but after he finished his burger, he said that he was “too full.” Um, OK since when? Has a woodhick ever been “too full” for dessert? No! I got real pissy about this and started shaming him for his little girl stomach and then cried about how I purposely didn’t even order fries with my grilled cheese because I thought I’d be helping Henry clean a pie plate.

That cunt!!

So he was like, “OMG fine, stop calling me names, you’re hurting my feelings!” so that is how we ended up finding out that Chuck Wagon makes MY STYLE of coconut cream pie!!

It was so fresh and light, and it had WHIPPED TOPPING not sad, limp meringue! And the crust was upper tier. Not quite god tier, but close. I will be returning to Chuck Wagon many times in an effort to try all of the pies.

The bathroom wasn’t anything special but the sink had a floral design that was unexpected considering the rest of the bathroom looked like the kinds in smaller gas stations that you’re actually surprised to find are clean-ish. Do you know what I mean? It had that industrial cleaner smell to it and almost felt like it was a trailer. But at least I didn’t have to pee on top of some redneck’s poop.

Chuck Wagon! That mural made me uncomfy but everything else was amazing and I was so fucking happy when we left. Where should we go next??? Now that Valentine card season is finally over, we can do things on weekends again so I’m voting to make Saturday Lunches in Small Towns Outside of Pgh a weekly tradition.

Then we went to “downtown” Brownsville because I wanted to do a stupid photoshoot because:

• I liked my outfit;
• I am desperate for blog content in the winter;
• I am having pre-midlife crisis where I’m regretting all the years I wouldn’t let anyone take pictures of me and now it’s like I didn’t exist from 2005-2016 aside from selfies.

I will post those separately but as a bonus, here two pictures I took of Henry the Dumb during our Brownsville prowl:

When I saw this sign, I screamed, “Henry! Here’s something that you will care about! Go stand next to it!” He was so irritated because it was right next to a steady stream of traffic and he hates having his picture taken when people are around. OK cool but did I ask??

I mean, I guess I felt welcomed! Although when we were walking around, I was wearing a hot pink faux fur coat and Henry was like, “Literally everyone is staring at us.” Lol oh well!

I 보고 싶다 Korea bigly & am letting myself lean into it by wistfully scrolling thru my Korea photo albums from our first trip. But then I started to come across various pictures of Henry, some slightly edited by Chooch, and now I’m just laughing which is good because this week was EW but I feel like I say that every Friday so I guess you could say this week was just NORMAL.

He just came into the room and saw all these pictures on the screen and said, “Hey—-why….I hate you” and then went about his boring Man About the House business. Anyway, I took this picture because I thought it was funny that he was sitting next to a Pocari Sweat vending machine while waiting for the subway and also Pocari Sweat is better than the junk he peddles from his Faygo Factory.

Chooch took this picture of Henry when we were getting ready to leave Busan and it was so funny to him that he was legit crying while looking at it on his phone a few minutes later. I even printed it out and framed it as Xmas present for Chooch that year, lol. EVERYTHING HENRY IS FUNNY BY ACCIDENT.

WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY? IT’S NOT FUNNY, IT’S STUPID BUT I’M CRYING RIGHT NOW.

Henry finding us after he thought he lost us in Hongdae, lol, loser.

He’s looking at the subway map so I can guarantee that he and Chooch started fighting over directions probably before I even finished taking this picture.

But what if Henry really looked like this as a baby lolololololololololololololololololololololololololol sorry I couldn’t stop doing that because I was rubbing my fingers between the “l” and “o” and it felt satisfying.

Waiting across the street for Henry to come back from retrieving Chooch’s T-Money card from the hotel. Henry was like, “I WILL GET IT BY MYSELF” when Chooch realized he left it behind because for Some Reason^TM we were always super giddy walking through the lobby, past the front desk, waiting for the elevator, on the elevator….you get the idea. Oh my fucking god there was this one time when we were on the elevator with these people who I Americanly profiled as “The Germans” just because the dad looked like some fat guy who enjoyed wienerschnitzel and lederhosen, and we literally could not stop laughing. The elevator was MIRRORED too so there was absolutely no hiding the fact that we were being little devilish pricks and and it was so obvious. I even tried to say something like, “BOY, I’M TIRED” but it came out like “Boyblahahahahahahahahahahaha” and what did it matter anyway, German Family probably couldn’t understand English, oh there I go again, being all Americanny!!

Sorry, I really am tired now. And I like German people. I don’t hast them. Du hast them.

Yeah, it might be an early night for me.

Zapangi isn’t there anymore. :( Also, I asked Henry three years ago to replace our front door with a vending machine door and he has yet to do this.

OK so I know you’re thinking, “Wow, did Henry just pack a pocketbook full of clothes for an international vacation?” and usually I would agree but I’m pretty sure that the pictures of him in that flannel were all from the same day!

WAIT my pocketbook (dumb) joke just reminded me that Henry literally used to use this super ugly leather BOWLING BAG from the 70s as his overnight bag when we went on road trips in the Earlier Years and I was always so embarrassed even though that stupid thing was vintage and probably something that a very niche group of people coveted. I wonder if he still has it. Maybe I could try to sell it on eBay.

OK cool, well, hopefully everyone has a fun weekend!

You guys, it is in the low 50s today and partially sunny. All the shit-snow is melting and I was actually able to go for a lunch time walk without the threat of breaking my tailbone on an icy sidewalk.

To put it frankly:

I FEEL REBORN.

(Fun fact: when I was little, I was obsessed with saying “adult” things, like “to be frank,” and “I’ll sue you.”)

I mean, I’m still sitting here at my work desk shivering but yeah, I feel great. I even put real clothes on today like I actually had somewhere to go other than downstairs to my dining room-cum-office.

In an effort to keep up the good mood, I will now share some other things giving me life.

Like my Olive Young haul that came yesterday:

It’s amazing how fast shipping from Korea is. I only just ordered this stuff last Thursday! And shipping was FREE. God bless Korea, honestly.

Gotta have that big tiger energy for 2022.

Innisfree is one of my favorite Korean skincare brands in case you were thinking about getting into that K-beauty way of life. Their products use responsibly-sourced natural ingredients from Jeju Island (which I will one day visit) (maybe!) (GOD WILLING)!

Um, I’m interrupting today’s scheduled broadcast to tell you that Henry was standing here losing his mind because he found out I bought Chooch some mechanical pencils last night at CVS and starting ranting about “DON’T BUY PENCILS AT CVS! TELL HIM TO TELL ME IF HE NEEDS PENCILS!” and I calmly said, “He told me he didn’t want you to buy him pencils because you buy him cheap ones” and  that set him off even more. “I BOUGHT HIM A PACK OF TWO PENCILS THAT COST (2025 Erin checking in here and I just realized I never put in the price that Henry was screaming about and three years later, I can’t remember what it was)! HOW IS THAT CHEAP!? AND WHY DOES HE NEED PENCILS ANYWAY? I JUST BOUGHT HIM PENCILS! I BOUGHT HIM REALLY GOOD ONES TOO AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKER DID HE GAVE THEM AWAY! DON’T BUY HIM ANY PENCILS!!” And then he angrily opened the desk cabinet and gestured furiously at a box of approx. 50 #2 pencils and yelled “HE NEEDS PENCILS? TELL HIM TO USE THESE!!”

Wow. SUPER SORE subject. Reminder to BRING UP PENCILS around Henry EVERY CHANCE I GET.

In other “happy” news, look at my little chubby walnut bandit!

The other day, Henry showed me a DHL delivery update he received that said the package was undeliverable due to ANIMAL INTERFERENCE. Immediately, I had visions of a line of Buddys on the porch, guarding their nuts and flashing their teeth. Lol.

Here’s the monkey sweater I mentioned recently that I ordered from ModCloth! My track record with ModCloth is like, 50/50, but this sweater actually fits me properly and doesn’t give me insane body image breakdowns. Sometimes their sizing is bonkers, or things will be cut oddly, etc. I bought a really beautifull (beautiful has one “l” there, Erin) jacket from there two years ago and was so depressed when it arrived and the armpits were like halfway down my ribcage.

At least their return process is easy, I guess.

But yes, this monkey sweater is a keeper! Also, don’t mind the dusty steps behind me. It’s because they haven’t been cleaned off yet since Henry FINALLY finished the iridescent cloud ceiling!

Here’s an action shot of Henry finally plugging all my Cure wall stuff back in – that corner has been so sad the last several weeks! Henry and his BOO HOO shoulder.

Here it is IRL:

It’s my official CALM DOWN ZONE. Bring your own pillow to scream into.

I posted it on IG and I’m sure a lot of people were like “MMMM better in yo’ house than my house, sweaty” – it’s definitely not everyone’s interior aesthetic and I can promise you IT AIN’T HENRY’S EITHER. (I dated a guy that said “a’neither” instead of “either” or “neither” and I would always be like, “That is not a word” and he would cry.)

OK BYEEEEEEE, SAID THE STY IN THE EYEEEEEEEE. (Shout out to a co-worker for mentioning a sty today in an email and giving me immediate phantom sty pains.)

I had every intention of posting about this yesterday because this news has rocked my pathetic, lonely world but then I was actually TOO STRESSED/HYPER/EXCITED/NERVOUS about it that I did a bunch of YouTube workouts instead to blow off steam. Somehow, I was able to work and I even sent Carrie a message that said HOW WILL I BE ABLE TO WORK and she was like, “Well, their song doesn’t come out until spring so you might be okay today.” LOL.

Obviously I’m happy but it’s so bittersweet because of Seungri (actually I thought that Seungri had recently appealed and had his sentence reduced to a year and a half but what do I know  – nothing except that he WAS THE FALL GUY). Did you know that some of the Korean TV channels actually blur his face out whenever old BIGBANG footage is shown? It’s depressing.

And I just want TOP to be happy. He had said after he was discharged from the military that he had no desire to be a performer anymore. He has always been interested in art and I’m glad that he’s been given the freedom to pursue these other interests and ventures (it’s the least YG could do) and I hope that he only joins BIGBANG for future schedules if his heart is in it.

Also, I’m paranoid because YG has hinted around about this before. VIPs have been given nothing since 2018 when one single was released. They haven’t performed together as a five-piece since the beginning of 2017. I have never had the chance to see BIGBANG live, and will never, at this point, have a chance to see them as OT5.

Oh, the trials and tribs of a Kpop stan! I’m telling you, when I got into this, I had no idea how much heartache it would bring – but, more joy than anything else, so we’ll stay on this path.

I’m about to go jump on a napping Henry because I’m ready for my dinner-oatmeal, so I will leave you with the last song BIGBANG ever released with all five members, omg my dumb kpoppin’ heart.

Maybe you* can relate, but I have been caught in this frustrating cycle where I am home almost constantly and desperate for social interaction, but then when I think about scheduling any type of plans with anyone, I immediately feel exhausted and just resort to my shut-in tendencies. And then an hour I will complain about being bored and having no friends.

*(You know. You.)

I can’t tell if this the new COVID new, depression, winter, laziness, or all of the above, but last week I was determined to make plans and keep them. So I Kakao’d Janna and said, “let’s go to lunch this weekend” and she was like, “yes” and then I was like, “shit now we have to choose a place” and somehow, my random Yelp map travels lured me to the town of NEW EAGLE where a family restaurant by the name of HILLS RESTAURANT resides.

We’re not on this side all that often, but we do go out that way during haunted house season, and Chooch and I were just in that area last spring for GEOCACHING ugh. All I’m trying to say is that I have somehow never noticed this place in all the times I’ve driven on this road but of course HENRY knew what it was immediately and has even eaten there like 50 years ago which sounds like I’m exaggerating until you remember that Henry is, you know, many years my senior.

I don’t even know what made me click on it when I saw it on the Yelp map, but as soon as I saw pictures of the interior, I imprinted on this bitch immediately. So I sent it to Janna with prayer hands and she was like “yes let’s go here” and that is how normal people make plans, or so I hear.

The only downside was that it’s like 40 minutes away which is kind of weird to drive that far for just a basic lunch but sometimes you gotta just make a meal into an adventure, amirite?

We met there at 12:30 and I was lowkey acting like I was about to meet a blind date inside, that’s how anxious and giddy I was. “You go first,” I said to Janna who was probably just like *EYE ROLL* but I couldn’t see because I was behind her since I made her go first, remember.

Look at that cool tile!! I felt like I was in a subway station and I loved it. Also, we were the youngest diners, so that felt good, too.

LOOK AT HOW CHEERFUL THIS IS! I blurted out the same to the waitress as she was filling the cups. “I try to make sure they never match,” she said with a smile, and my heart was bursting.

Of course, I had to send photographical evidence of my coleslaw to Henry, who was back at home slagging away at projects lol. #PoorHenry says the studio audience in unison. 

Grilled Cheese check: look, I knew I wasn’t going to get a gourmet TOASTIE (that’s what they’re called in ENGLAND, isn’t it??) and am more often than not haunted by lousy diner grilled cheeses (um, the last time I went to Hyde’s in Cincinnati, it was literally two slices of baby-sized bread FOLDED OVER and the one half only had like a corner of a cheese slice on it –  you can kindly CLICK HERE to see a true life photo of that monstrosity. But I have been to Hyde’s enough at this point in my life to know that you don’t go to Hyde’s for a grilled cheese,  you go for the MOTHERFUCKING PIE, PEOPLE).

But the grilled cheese I received on my plate today straight from the HILLS KITCHEN was exactly the kind of grilled cheese I expect to get at an establishment like this. I know it’s going to be basic, but basic doesn’t mean skimpy, you know? And this grilled cheese was just right! The menu said it came on Texas toast and IT DID! I have ordered many falsely advertised grilled cheeses! And it had more than one slice of cheese, which was evenly melted under the bread. (The points  sticking out from the bread weren’t melted, but I didn’t mind.) And the tomato I requested as an add-on was a beefy boy! Yeah, I was please with this.

(Only downside was that the waitress didn’t bring us ketchup since neither of us ordered fries and I typically require a giant pool of the stuff on my plate so that I can dunk my grilled cheese into it before each bite, but I didn’t feel like calling the waitress over to ask for it. If my Pappap were still alive, he’d have dinged a knife against his water glass repeatedly to get her attention, just kidding, he only did that shit at Blue Flame because he was pals with all the waitresses and loved to eff with them lol.)

While we were still eating, the waitress came over and asked if we’d be having anything else, so I blurted out, “do you have coconut cream pie???” because the menu and website SAID THAT THEY DO and Janna and I both love CCP. (I have never called it that before but didn’t feel like spelling it out so instead I used an acronym and then spent all these letters forming words explaining the obvious. I am a Writer.)

“We have one slice left,” she said, not realizing that she was basically uttering the words that could end Janna’s and my friendship.

Janna and I looked at each across the table. “I’ll fight you for it,” I said, while Janna The Mature asked, “What else do you have?”

The waitress ran down the list and some of the other ones sounded good too so I brilliantly suggested that we order the coconut and another one, and then split each. 12 YEARS WORKING IN THE CONFLICTS DEPARTMENT, LADIES AND GENTS AND OTHERS.

“I’ll let you two decide and come back in a few,” the waitress said, realizing that she didn’t have time to stand there for this heavy discussion.

“OK, but save the coconut for us please!” I called after her, wondering if she could detect the coating of panic & desperation hanging on my voice.

A few minutes later, the waitress came back and asked if we decided. I asked Janna if she knew which other pie she wanted to get and Janna was like, “Should we just get the coconut and that’s it?” and I was like, “Oh. Ok. Sure,” but deep down I was like, “NO I AM A PIE PIG AND REQUIRE TWO SLICES IF WE ARE SHARING.” So we let the waitress walk away and then Janna IMMEDIATELY said, “Dammit, that raspberry cream one sounded good—-” and I was already crying out, “EXCUSE ME!” to the waitress so we could tack on the raspberry slice too. Crisis averted!!

Good thing too because the raspberry cream ended up being better than the coconut! Look, the coconut was fine, but it was not my favorite kind of coconut cream pie. I prefer the inside to be more of a whipped coconut filling and less pudding-y, and I definitely prefer my slice to be topped with a whipped wig, not a meringue mountain. To this day, I don’t think I have had a better coconut (literally have type cococunt every single time) cream pie than the ones served up at Grant’s in Millvale. That pie deserves its own TV show.

BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE BATHROOM AND ITS GOLD GLITTER SINK??

LOL.

Hills was decently busy when we arrived, but we stayed all the way up until they closed at 2 (two other old ladies did too!) like total rude asses. I blame Janna, who had to go to the bathroom. I had actually paid a few minutes prior to 2 but then had to STAND THERE AND WAIT FOR HER while the waitresses were like, “Cool thanks for finally leaving the table so we can clean up your mess now” but don’t worry I left a nice tip because what a great place with even better service.

We’re almost counter-sitting age! I bet a lot of old men have bitched to each other about their nagging wives while sitting on those stools and slurping down cups of black coffee.

Chooch would have been so stoked about the WIFI sign because that’s always the first thing he checks when we go to a restaurant.

Well, I think was a great lunch spot! I haven’t been to a restaurant since December (I’m still leery!) so I’m glad I broke my “eating out” strike for this place. Then, as I was about to get in my car to leave, Janna asked me some innocent question about NCT127 and it was like getting a POWER UP in Super Mario Bros. My brain, now flipping over to its Korean side, completely disregarded the original plan of “Lunch is over / get in car / drive home” and told my legs to walk back over to the sidewalk where Janna was standing.

“OK LET ME EXPLAIN HOW NCT WORKS” I said all breathily because talking about Kpop makes me get into HEAVY PANT MODE. So we were still having NCT class while all of the waitresses started to come out and leave. Then we were the only ones left in the parking lot and I’m sure Janna was like, “I WISH I HADN’T ASKED.” Lol.

OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, I just realized that I failed to check at the register for Hills merch!!!

P.S. You know what else is good on grilled cheese? HOT SAUCE.

Hello from an ice-encrusted Pittsburgh. Due to winter sucking, Henry’s job actually let everyone stay home today and Chooch got to do school remotely (COVID ruined snow days lol). Anyway, as you can imagine this has not been contributing to a calm and balanced work environment for me. It’s bad enough I have to spend my days listening to those animalistic grandkids of Henry’s next door. Apparently they have a baby gate right on the other side of the wall near where my work desk is so that is the mysterious “banging metal pipe” noise I have been hearing incessantly. I hate it so much. God help me.

Well, here are five rando’ thangs to read on this “ok” Friday. Let’s keep in short-n-sweet though. I’m ti-red.

• Henry and Chooch just came back from the post office & getting my books at the library. Henry: He’s mad because he had to carry all your books. Chooch: Yeah. I felt like a nerd. And a shut-in. #OUCH. Anyway, OMGWHICHBOOKSHOULDIREADFIRSTTTTTT?

• On Instagram last week, one of my friends was like WHAT ARE SOME GIRL-CENTRIC TOYS FROM THE 80S I AM BLANKING ON THIS and before flipping in my two cents, I scanned the other comments and was SHOCKED—nay, STUPEFIED—to see that none before me had mentioned the pre-teen jewels that were SWEET SECRETS. Or Get In Shape Girl! So I tippy-tapped my contribution with a triumphant flare. THEN several days later I was digging around in one of my millions of memento containers (you can’t tell I’m a hoarder because everything is stuffed into precious boxes and trunks) and I found this picture of me at my Pappap’s house with a tableful of Sweet Secrets! (And Pound Puppies, which had been mentioned by many in the Instagram comments.) This must have been my 7th birthday, perhaps? 1986? 1987? I can’t tell my age anymore when I look at old pictures, WHAT A PITY.
• SPEAKING OF PITY: I was friends with a girl back when I was the same age as above. She had a speech impediment and used to say “pity” instead of “pretty” so whenever she’d tell me something of mine was pretty, I thought she was degrading me. She was kind of an asshole and a bully back then, so she probably actually was degrading me, now that I think about it. Oh well. THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME, ME. That’s the title of my next imaginary children’s book. You’ll love it. It’s sold in Romania truck stops only though, sorry.
• Earlier this morning, Henry and Chooch went down the street to get coffee. Chooch asked me wanted and, with the utmost confidence, I blurted out: YES A PLAIN GIGANTIC BLACK HOT. There was a pause and then Chooch said, “That’s disgusting.”
• Oh speaking of Sweet Secrets, there was this one time when my Aunt Sharon (of the Moroccan Trip fame) bought me some new ones because I was spoiled AF but my childhood BFF Christy was with me at my Pappap’s house when this happened and Sharon, knowing Christy would be there, also bought her one too and I remember being #SoAnnoyed because that was ONE LESS FOR ME. I told Henry this story recently and his response was a deadpan, “Wow, that doesn’t sound like you at all.”

There. Five things in the bag, biotch! I’ll leave you with a compilation of Mark Lee from NCT laughing in case you are having a bad day.