Apr 102010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:34 OMG! On the cusp of the 3 week anniversary, Chooch has finally removed the sock. #
  • 14:36 Now that I’m employed, I’m gonna take Henry on a date to see #CircaSurvive next month. Fuck the rent! Priorities! #
  • 16:51 The lights are off in every scene of Life Unexpected. Makes me wait 4 something scary to happen, like Lux menstruating from her mouth. #
  • 17:36 Then on Life Unexpected, the electricity goes out & they have to act real hard like its something they’re not used to! Oh noes! #
  • 17:40 “Raygun” is a word. Bitch. #
  • 18:04 Chooch has much to learn about me. Such as: just because I’m a “mom” doesn’t mean I can peel an orange. Give it to Henry. #
  • 19:22 If you live in/near Pittsburgh, go check out Wildcard in Lawrenceville. My art &pendants are sold there! (it’s still very surreal to me.) #
  • 20:06 Henry just told Chooch he can go on True Life: I Got Nothing Because I Was Bad. I laughed a little. #
  • 20:23 There’s a good possibility I’ve been drugged by Henry. I hope he at least dumps me in a frat house. #
  • 20:53 Another boooooring #Devils game. #NHL #
  • 20:56 Chooch, on dyeing Easter eggs: “Is Alisha gonna come? If she’s not, I’m gonna call her an asshole.” Ooh, Alisha! #
  • 21:15 FUCK YES, TOEWS! GO BLACKHAWKS! Fuck the Devils! (But not THE Devil. He’s still my boy, yo.) #
  • 21:19 Versteeg gets credit for the goal. I don’t care WHO it was, as long as that puck was behind Brodeur. #NHL #
  • 21:30 Blackhawks win in shootout but Devils still able to tie with #Pens. Fuckers. Oh well, wine time. #
  • ***
  • 00:47 Hello. I have found myself suddenly drunk off one glass of wine. Livin large! #
  • 10:04 This unseasonal weather is enhancing my post-workout puke session. I like it. #
  • 11:38 Moved to tears by descriptions of grilled cheese. #
  • 12:04 Oh man, I forgot how AWESOME it is to have a mouse in your house: Diary of a Future Animal Planet Star bit.ly/9baOiw #
  • 13:19 Chris Chelios must be the most hardcore 48-year- old ever. My cousin used to date him, way back when he still had hair. #NHL #
  • 14:33 We missed you, Malkin! #pens #
  • 15:21 Homicide? Don’t mind if I do. #
  • 15:48 Huge win for the #pens! En route to the Wheeling Nailers game; hopefully they win too. #
  • 16:00 I hope there’s someone at my new job who can fill Tina’s shoes. My tweets/blog posts haven’t recovered since I left my job at MSA. #
  • 16:29 If Henry and I liked each other, this might be considered one of those “date” things. #
  • 16:38 My attempts to kill Henry keep getting foiled by him exclaiming, “I’m DRIVING.” #
  • 17:06 If Henry didn’t waste time doing the speed limit & stopping to get GAS of all things, we might have been on time. But probably not. #
  • 17:17 Henrys about to meet my sister lol. #
  • 18:21 Henry missed the first goal (NAILERS) but doesn’t care because he’s drinking beer thru a straw. #
  • 18:24 Cincinnati plays dirty. I am NOT surprised. #
  • 18:38 I’m not staring at Henry. I’m just watching the game thru the reflection in his glasses. #
  • 18:40 There are ppl here who have plastic Ricola horns and I want one to enhance my fandom. Henry frowned. #
  • 18:49 The people in front of me kiss with open mouths. brizzly.com/pic/1Y4A #
  • 18:59 How hard is it to get into the mascot industry? I want in & will obsess over that for awhile now. #
  • 19:23 I just asked Henry what he thinks of my sister. “She’s like you,” he replied dryly. #
  • 20:44 Wheeling Nailers just trounced the Crapinnati Shitclones and it was good. Jesus was next to us, rooting for Ohio. Oh, how he wept. #hockey #
  • 21:57 I think my sister’s boyfriend thinks i’m retarded. #
  • ***
  • 02:27 Got my Easter basket. Now it’s time for bed. #
  • 09:44 Chooch got a Pull Apart Zombie in his Easter basket. Candy has been temporarily eschewed. #
  • 11:14 I don’t know how to yoyo. I had more expensive toys to play with when I was a kid. (Said that to Henry & he promptly puked.) #
  • 12:17 Um. After 9 years, Henry doesn’t know how to pronounce my middle name? #
  • 13:30 I’ve not once been intrigued enough to see what happens next on godaddy.com. Sorry, Danica. #
  • 13:56 Ugh, just when Henry was starting to like them // RT @AltPress: Austin Carlile: “I quit Of Mice & Men” tinyurl.com/y9xfz9j #
  • 15:05 When Henry invited me to play with the food he was making, I happily RSVPd. Too bad I didn’t pick up on the sarcasm. #
  • 15:30 Big J’s Resurrection makes me work hard. Then I get tired & quit. brizzly.com/pic/1YIS #
  • 20:36 Holidays are awesome because I get to emasculate Henry in front of family. And eat melted butter with small pieces of vegetables in it. #
  • 21:33 Just got in a brawl about Maunday-Thursday and I WON. Who’s a religious wunderkind? ME. FUCK YEAH. #
  • 21:38 I love remembering that I’m the best. #
  • ***
  • 00:44 I enjoy watching results shows when I already know the results. Makes me feel like God. Walk it out, Hype 5-0. #
  • 08:44 Obligatory Easter Bunny Photo bit.ly/a6Ly5j #
  • 12:28 Punched myself while exercising, broke my finger. HELPP. #
  • 12:58 And it’s my ring finger I broke. Oh irony, what would I do without your foot up my ass. #
  • 13:02 Chooch: “Which one is it, this one?” AS HE SQUEEZED MY FINGER & DOUBLE-BROKE IT. Maybe next, Henry can come home & de-bone it altogether. #
  • 15:38 Henry said my finger isn’t broken, it’s overextended. Ok Dr Douchebag. In srs newz, I’m about to start my new job! With a broken finger! #
  • 18:57 Quickly: I love my new job. #
  • 21:50 I am NOT jerryrigging my finger, Henry! I want to go to the hospital & get a CAST. For elves to sign. #
  • 21:55 Oh. And the woman I’m working with is the daughter of Jack Riley, the first GM of the Penguins. WTF I love my job. #
  • 23:25 Literally the only thing keeping me from fully enjoying basketball is the squeak of shoes against the court. Can’t someone fix that for me? #
  • ***
  • 00:20 Honest to god my finger is a very zombie hue. It’s going to fall off, isn’t it. #
  • 00:29 Henry tried to look at my finger; roof almost blew off the house. Then I asked for ice that isn’t so cold. (12 hrs later, just now icing) #
  • 10:26 I’d like to send human shit to the person who came up with these latest KitKat commercials. KitKat: now synonymous with obnoxious. #
  • 12:35 Ain’t nobody cutting the ring from my finger. Sure, it only cost $5 but I’ve been wearing it for 12 years! #
  • 12:56 Maybe for the next KitKat spot, Miley Cyrus can put Bobcat Goldtwaith’s cock in her mouth while they both sing about breaking pieces off. #
  • 14:40 Chooch has a cold; needs to go to hospital. brizzly.com/pic/1ZBN #
  • 15:39 Chooch is in the backseat, sleeping beneath a monkey mask. #
  • 15:40 brizzly.com/pic/1ZC9 #
  • 20:22 For once, I have every right to be obsessed with a bathroom. #
  • 21:30 I’m so glad I’m home for the 3rd period. GO #PENS!! #
  • ***
  • 00:40 Someone just whistled outside my window. Wish that was some euphemism for breezy cunnilingus, but alas. #fingerisbrokestill #
  • 12:00 No bread, no cheese, no milk, no bonbons – what the fuck kind of housewife ARE you, Henry?? #
  • 12:23 I wish Mindy White & Anthony Green sang EVERY song together. #
  • 20:02 U know what’s boring? Hearing some grandma talk about the shit she made for her son’s wedding next week. It’s in Tennesee, if u want to go. #
  • 20:49 Pretty much every 4 seconds I expect to get shot in a driveby. #
  • 22:30 Yes my girlfriend Ev is on Fresh Meat 2, perfect timing as my seasonal lesbianism is due to kick in any day now!! #
  • 23:25 I don’t care what people say – you really CAN choose your family. #
  • 23:34 Gee, I wonder why there are so many hit s to my blog from Middletown and Cincinnati, Ohio. Weird. Except not. #
  • ***
  • 00:57 I wish my superpower was stuffing people with cheese, grilling them, & enjoying with a side of cole slaw. #
  • 11:37 I’m glad Pittsburgh got the memo that it’s April, not August. #
  • 14:54 The Christina Chronicles: The Big Meet, Part 1 www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4604 #
  • 18:09 Everyone here keeps telling me I’m doing a great job, like they’re afraid I’m going to quit. There’s chocolate here, I think I’ll stay. #
  • 21:16 Deflection or not: SIDNEY FUCKING CROSBY!!!! #pens #
  • 22:20 My face is wet. #pens #NHL #
  • 23:14 The cats heard Chooch get out of bed and two of them are literally cowering behind me on the couch in anticipation of horror. #
  • ***
  • 11:16 To Chooch, I said, “Can’t you just act normal?” & then heard a symphony of various voices saying the same thing to me over the past 30 yrs. #
  • 11:25 That new grilled cheese flavored mac&cheese is disgusting, and this time I don’t think my cooking influenced the shitty taste. #
  • 15:15 Seventeen yrs later & I’m still hot for Paul Coffey, ok? #NHL #
  • 22:31 Henry just gave me the “Great, she’s watching Degrassi” smirk. #
  • ***
  • 11:07 Just watching a bacon cheeseburger assembled with a grilled Krispy Kreme for a bun makes me want to order liposuction & stents for my heart #
  • 11:34 Chooch hates having his tenses corrected. “I dont want to say shook! I want to say SHAKED!” Fine, talk like your father then!!! #
  • 13:13 Reservoirs make me want to puke. #
  • 13:58 Chooch’s zombie, appropriate ly placed in Evans City Cemetery brizzly.com/pic/20WQ #

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Apr 032010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:26 Thanks, Fartsmell!! #Pens up 4-1! #
  • 16:19 OMG I HATE LOWE’S. #
  • 16:31 Alisha had keys made for me. We are SO OFFICIAL now! brizzly.com/pic/1V3U #
  • 16:46 Grocery shopping is weird. I don’t know how you people do it. #
  • 16:49 Although, there is some jazzy flute-centric song on the soundsystem now that I can REALLY get behind. Alisha ha-ha-hates it. #
  • 17:03 Britney Spear has peed barefoot in bathrooms cleaner than the one I just used in Long John Silvers. I’m sure of it. #
  • 17:38 If I wasn’t always being RUSHED by Alisha, my last tweet would not have singularized Britney’s last name. Sorry Britbrit. #
  • ***
  • 00:28 I’ll write a book about my tour of public restrooms, and you’ll buy it. Great, thanks! #
  • 01:33 I wonder if I ever killed someone. My cat is soft. #
  • 12:00 This is what Hell looks like for Marcy. brizzly.com/pic/1VET #
  • 13:20 My mom bought Henry a Bullet Express. He’s ripping the plastic bags off all the pieces like it’s Xmas morn. Oh, Henry. Our lil’ cooker. #
  • 17:40 I have a great idea! Let’s not lose to the #Leafs. Again. #letsgopens #
  • 17:44 Henry saw a man get tackled at the grocery store for stealing meat. I want him to guest blog about it and he won’ttttttt. #
  • 17:57 I didn’t just tweet this. I’m not exactly sure what you’re talking about. brizzly.com/pic/1VJ2 #
  • 18:43 If Henry having a food processor means I get to have stu ffed mushrooms for dinner, I’ll stop making fun of him. #
  • 19:26 LET’S GO PENS! #
  • 20:44 Feels weird cheering for the #Flyers. Probably peeing on a ginger baby will make me right with the world again. #
  • 20:49 Chooch: “Daddy, tell us a story about when u were a little bitch.” Yes Henry, tell us. Shouldn’t be hard to remember, was just 5 min ago. #
  • ***
  • 13:03 Stanley Cup commercials on #NHL Network are making me cry. “What if Mario wasn’t so super?” LOSING IT. #
  • 13:33 I think there’s something wrong with my cat Don and to say I’m freaking out might be an understatement. #
  • 15:02 Chooch drew a picture of a baby. It was dead on the road. Good job…? #
  • 15:51 Henry loves it when we’re in the car and I replay the same song over & over. I’m not annoying. It’s all charm. #
  • 16:04 In the mall parking lot, Henry drove the wrong direction. Mall security came flying out of nowhere. Henry got away with it this time. #
  • 16:17 Guess who’s not paying $25 for some incompetent 16yo to take a shitty pic of her son in the lap of an Easter furry? #
  • 16:52 I’ve just been Vikingnized at McDonalds by some little girl. I think she just adopted me. #
  • 17:07 Hay Chooch: hand sanitizer’s effect is negated when hands are immediately wiped under a Mcdonald’s table. #
  • 17:37 Blatantly acquired a new boyfriend right in front of Henrys moustache. #
  • 19:22 Spent an entire 20 minutes looking for a new place to live and am already discouraged. So very discouraged. #
  • ***
  • 00:37 Henry’s never punched a mirror. What the fuck kind of pussy have I been dating for the past 9 yrs? Good that I’m finding this out now. #
  • 10:25 My favorite part of the day is when Chooch & I sit quietly drawing zombies. The other 16 hrs of the day are too noisy, hurts my patience. #
  • 14:36 In my head I pretend Henry & I are Pittsburgh’s Kirstin & Sandy Cohen. Henry’s got the brows, I got the perpetual wine glass in hand. #
  • 14:58 I asked Chooch what he wanted to listen to & he said Piece of Veal. I went ahead and assumed he meant Pierce the Veil. #
  • 16:09 Chooch told me to get a life. NEWSFLASH, SON: You’re the reason I don’t have one!!! #
  • 17:17 Dear @saucalisha, thank you for keeping Bonzi’s harness on for me. You are so thoughtful! Accidentally had a baby in yr tub, though. Sorry! #
  • 17:30 There’s some decent looking dads here at the playground. I’m looking to upgrade. Ignor e the big doof in the Faygo shirt next to me, guys. #
  • 23:11 When does this Progressive spokesbitch’s contract expire? Tired of her red-lipped feigned quirkiness. About to expire her myself. #
  • ***
  • 00:33 What kind of father won’t tell my Zombie Farm zombies that he loves them? The Henry kind. #
  • 09:46 Imagined being on The Real World & Henry coming to visit, baking cupcakes for all the roommates & frowning at childish antics. #
  • 10:26 Sorry Ohio. I don’t answer calls from your state. #
  • 14:23 CALL IT LUST AND LET ME GO; AND I HATE YOUR BREATHING. #
  • 14:46 “Chooch, where did you learn your numbers and letters?” “Why teacher, in the cemetery, of course!” #
  • 15:00 Playing zombies. brizzly.com/pic/1WSR #
  • 15:34 Chooch mistook his leg for a tree, pissed all over it. Newsflash: dead leaves don’t work well for urine absorption. Let’s go camping! #
  • 15:59 Henry is now trying to teach me the ins and outs of peeing outside with a penis. #
  • 19:28 I’ve had an 8-year craving for chocolate chip pancakes. Tonite, Henry makes them. Sadly, one of Sally Struthers’ “kids” has to die now. #
  • 20:06 Anyone but Stamkos. Motherfuck, #Pens! #
  • 20:45 “‘Something awesome’ happened to me?” Henry repeated. “You act like I won the lottery; I saw a fat guy get tackled.” #
  • 21:40 Newsflash Henry: real #Pens fans don’t fall asleep during games, not even when we’re on the verge of being shut out. POSER. #
  • 22:43 I might have legit nightmares of that hockey game. Oh, #Pens. #
  • ***
  • 00:17 Fucking Real World finale chokes me every time. Still an avid Ashley hater tho. I hope she does the Challenges & gets puked on by Tonya. #
  • 01:30 Zombies sleep sitting up, ankles crossed. Everyone knows that. brizzly.com/pic/1WZC #
  • 10 :43 Henry told me he loves me. Then I looked at the date #
  • 11:54 Chooch, glancing at the TV: “Oh, ‘Sixteen and Pregnant’. Awesome.” #
  • 13:03 I GOT THE JOB EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO OUTSIDE AND SCREAM. #
  • 13:03 Now I just need to find a place to live. #
  • 17:18 One puddle in the whole park & Chooch fell in it. Only boy in the world who hates being muddy. #
  • 18:07 I’m sorry Henry, but the correct response to me saying “I wish I was on a sports team of some sort” is not a hearty snort. #
  • 18:40 Me: We haven’t watched any good mumblecore lately. Henry: Thats because there isn’t any. :( #
  • ***
  • 01:19 Luongo needs a hug. #NHL #
  • 11:33 Chooch built a helicopter. He follows directions way better than I ever did (do). brizzly.com/pic/1XIZ #
  • 11:41 Watching Lost Boys, per Chooch’s request. Doesn’t fe el the same now. :( #
  • 12:28 Got a box of sweet-smelling body stuff today from @hausofgloi! & by body stuff, I mean lotions etc, not candy-coated kidneys. (This time.) #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Mar 272010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:37 Could probably pass as a member of Rise Against. brizzly.com/pic/1SOS #
  • 14:42 Henry & Chooch are across the playground, leaving me alone to look like a pedo-creeper in ridiculously large shades & bloody hair flower. #
  • 15:09 Babies are essentially mutes until they become unmuted & join the human race. If you have any more questions, come to my symposium. #
  • 15:20 I’m still at Brookline Park if anyone feels like getting on their horse to rescue me. #
  • 15:27 There is the biggest ho of an 11yo here. (Had to ask expert child-ogler Henry her age.) Bet she got pregnant yesterday. #
  • 16:31 At Bado’s for dinner, hoping Chooch doesn’t act bad-o. OH! brizzly.com/pic/1SQ8 #
  • 17:08 Me, after refusing to eat my salad: Im a salad snob; I can’t help it. Henry: Youre just a snob in general. #
  • 17:58 Designing a product label for Chooch. “Instant Asshole, just add sugar.” #
  • ***
  • 00:10 Bitch and cry on Facebook and Twitter, everyone, THAT’LL SHOW THE GOV’T!! #
  • 00:21 Your beef may be with Obama, but MINE is still with “God” for only “creating” 2 genders. I want at least a third option. #
  • 00:32 My mom tried to pull a While You Were Out on me once. I’ve been waiting 7 years for her to finish it. #
  • 10:26 Monday’s like the wad of cum left to wipe up after Saturday & Sunday have sex. #
  • 10:27 I’m going to start my own fortune company. Chinese dinners are about to get vagynafondued. #
  • 11:49 It’s not a successful ab workout wi thout some puke involved. #
  • 13:02 Everytime cancer touches someone I know I want to sucker punch my ex-bff for saying she wished she’d get cancer & die. Boo hoo, emo bitch. #
  • 13:06 Somehow Kevin Smith brought up abortions on @nhllive. Almost makes me like him. Then he started his fat rant & I’m back to being annoyed. #
  • 17:25 I sit in the car until the very last possible second. I’ll be damned if this company gets free work from me. #
  • 17:53 Current job status: about to be unemployed again this week. Henry’s gonna have a fun time doing my taxes next year. #
  • 19:35 Suck a cock, #redwings fans. #
  • 20:31 My boss brought in frownies for our last night. :(. brizzly.com/pic/1T40 #
  • 23:24 I’m glad I had the foresight to buy myself presents while still gainfully employed. #
  • ***
  • 01:31 It’s almost time to dust off #thingieball! I wish THAT could be my job. #
  • 11:30 I hate Peeps. I hate Italian ice. I think maybe that means I might probably hate Peeps-flavored Italian ice. Won’t be testing this theory. #
  • 11:59 The worst part of Steve Irwin dying is his asshole daughter being handed fame on a platter. Bindi Irwin: Australia’s Miley Cyrus. #
  • 16:42 I wish more musicians were as genuine as @craigeryowens. #
  • 20:10 My salad tastes like a haunted house. Mmm, fog machines, chainsaw fumes & the stench of scared teen girls. #
  • 20:29 I like watching Celebrity Apprentice because it makes me feel less inferior as a person. But I can get that from watching Henry, too. #
  • ***
  • 00:56 Hay laundry boy @awoodhick: way to not wash the pink blanket again. You are always letting me down!!! #
  • 09:02 I’m really kicking myself for not joining the Milledgeville police force back when I got that invitation 2 yrs ago. #
  • 09:08 Who wants to dye eggie-eggs with me this weekend? #
  • 09:43 Three years ago, my first ever tweet informed my 0 followers that I had just changed my tampon. Life was simpler then. #
  • 09:58 2 yrs ago I had a heckle-filled post abt a Cleveland roller derby team. My blog stats show it being viewed a lot today by Clevelanders. WHY? #
  • 10:03 Oh OK, I see now. Someone on their team found it, posted it on Facebook, & it’s spreading like wildfire. Preparing to get jumped now, thx. #
  • 10:13 Practicing roundhouses on my child. I mean, flour sacks. Practicing on flour sacks. #
  • 12:38 Ask me anything formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
  • 13:50 I really pissed off the wrong people this time!!! Make sure lots of Cure is played at my funeral, will ya? #
  • 15:29 I was just interviewed by a burgundy-haired Tea Leoni. She made me feel comforted. #
  • 15:34 Henry, regarding my present fear of an ass beating: “it’s not your ‘stupid blog,’ it’s YOU.” #
  • 18:33 Well. At least having no job means I can watch the #penscaps game tonight. #
  • 19:42 God, these #penscaps games raise my blood pressure. One period played & my throat is already raw from screaming like an asshole. #
  • 20:26 That was like watching a How To Score a Goal 101 video, thanks Guerin! #letsgopens #
  • 21:23 Oh thank you, Staal! These games make me feel like I’m waiting for the dentist to start the root canal. #letsgopens #NHL #
  • 21:36 Oh my heart. It’s like the #pens are my sons & I’m watching them ride their bikes w/o training wheels for the 1st time. #nhl #
  • ***
  • 09:40 I might have a job with Pittsburgh’s largest law firm. Can’t wait to meet a rich I mean nice lawyer & kick Henry t o the curb. #
  • 13:34 I like Life Unexpected but I HATE the theme song. & Lux. I hate every scene w/ Lux. I’d send her whiny ass back to the orphanage. #
  • 13:57 Fou nd in an old journal, 3-8-03: I can’t wait to be Henry’s wife. I hope it happens soon! (AHAHAHAHAHAHAH how naive of me) #
  • 14:17 Chooch thinks a grilled cheese is a cheese sandwich that’s melted in the microwave. I may have had something to do with that. #
  • 17:44 I wish my job was sitting in an arm chair on a stage, reading from my journal collection. Henry said “don’t u pretty much do that already?” #
  • 21:41 Got the car stuck in mud. I’ll never hear the end of this one. #
  • 21:51 That was fun, watching Henry blow blood vessels in his head as he pushed the car while I floored it. He keeps saying YOURE LUCKY. #
  • 21:53 He just spilled Chooch’s chocolate milk. Thursday night vs Henry is turning out to be an exciting match-up. #
  • 22:33 Previews for the girl-girl storyline on 90210 made Henry smirk, then frown. HENRY HATES GAYS. #
  • ***
  • 12:16 I have never been this nervous for an interview. Just drank some regurgitated veggie sausage juice. #
  • 14:04 Pretty sure all I wanted for my 4th bday was crayons, maybe my mother’s love. Chooch? He wants a laptop & an iPhone. #
  • 14:16 Friends, don’t seek reassurance from my son. Just asked him if he thinks the ppl at law firm will like me. “No. They won’t.” No hesitation! #
  • 15:53 Um. I couldn’t even figure out how to open the door to the office. Great start!!!!! #
  • 16:38 That might have been the best interview ever. They have a table full of candy in pretty bowls. And not the dumb kind of candy, either! #
  • 17:49 I’m about to start calling up successful people I grew up with & saying, “Remember when you sunk my battleship in ’86? Yeah? Gimme a job.” #
  • 17:51 Yelled at Chooch for leaving a stinky fart after which he had the audacity to tell me, “Oh well. Then go outside or sumpin’.” #
  • 19:19 Watching Chooch count blocks, I reminded him that he always forgets 7. “Yeah,” he said, “because I don’t NEED seven.” Schooled as usual. #
  • 19:43 Randomly flashbacked to when I got the staples removed from my C-section incision &, even after 4 years, almost passed out. #
  • 21:53 Walmart’s loss prevention: reuniting Henry with his son Blake. Touching, like a Folgers commercial. #
  • 21:59 Well like I always say: if you’re gonna get caught stealing, it better have been something worthwhile. Like K-Y. #
  • ***
  • 11:25 Jackie Warner just made me puke up my Special K. Losing weight is easy! #
  • 13:19 I’m always half-expecting to walk into Chooch’s room and catch him with our cat Nicotina, mid-evisceration. #
  • 13:25 I miss Rob Scuderi. #pens #NHL #
  • 13:44 Thank you, Kunitz. My neighbors thank you too. They love hearing my big fucking mouth. #pens #
  • 14:15 Pratfall by Hartnell, followed by a Dupuis goal – I lov e when we play the Flyers! #letsgopens #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Mar 212010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:55 Spent a lovely rainy day with mah ninja @saucalisha & am now meeting my new sister for dinner. Henry will miss me for sure. #
  • 17:34 I love my sister. That is all. #
  • 19:04 Chooch has a nasty slice on his foot and I almost puked while Henry bandaged it. I think I need to sit in a dark room now. #
  • 19:11 OMG I THINK CHOOCH NEEDS STITCHES HENRY SAYS NO IM GOING TO DIE. #
  • 19:31 Trying to convince Chooch that a vampire’s at our house, sucking on the bloody paper towel left behind from his cut. #
  • 20:29 Chooch is offended at Burger King. “Is that all that guy’s gonna do? Pee and not get food??” The nerve of some ppl, son. #
  • 22:25 Today was good, with the exception of Chooch cutting off his foot, and that Republican taking a shit in my front yard. #
  • 22:32 Alisha: I’m surprised none of yr blinddates ended up being handicapped. Me: Yeah, one was. Wheelchair Steve. Alisha: Oh yeah. Of course. #
  • 23:13 I really hate the term “puck bunny.” I prefer “hockey cunt.” I am going to get that engraved on my face. Or at least shaved into an eyebrow. #
  • ***
  • 00:05 I wish my favorite poet still posted poems. #
  • 13:32 Chooch can’t walk thanks to the fact his foot is practically split open. I hope he doesn’t get too used to me carrying him. #
  • 13:34 A nd I keep whacking Chooch’s foot off objects while I try to blindly navigate thru the house w/ him clinging to me. Blind leading blind. #
  • 13:42 Getting his foot dressing changed by the callous hands of Henry. yfrog.com/4pos6j #
  • 13:44 Good job, Jose Three-or-more! #NHL #crapitals #
  • 14:05 Pulled out an old journal & an autographed photo of Teresa Strasser fell out. I asked for a sign & the universe began shitting them. #
  • 14:19 I’ve been using Twitter for three years now. That’s longer than I kept my first child! Seems excessive. #
  • 14:21 Henry: You have such a grim outlook on life. Me: Wouldnt you, if your supposed bff fucked u over? Henry: You have. Touché. #
  • 16:01 If there’s a frame on my mom’s wall, you can bet there’s some depiction of Noah and his ark in it. #
  • 17:10 Henry’s talking about some day a few years ago that was almost the end of our relationship & I don’t even remember it; am laughing. #
  • 17:24 Henry wants me to get “HANK” tattooed on my knuckles & I’m like, Why? So you see yr name everytime I punch you? #
  • 17:58 Being Henry: mehoover.livejournal.com/43605.html?format=light #
  • 19:25 Does Tampa have any fans at this hockey game? #letsgopens! #
  • 21:45 RT @TheConfluence: #NHL Hockey: Call Cooke dirty if you must, but then include OV in the same breath bit.ly/cTGq6o #pens #
  • 22:23 Oh my god, Chooch is milking this foot injury. Pretty sure it rivals the time I broke my toe. I mean, wait – my broken toe was more serious. #
  • ***
  • 01:14 Too bad soul searching didn’t feel more like an orgy on a cotton candy bed & less like being fucked anally by Miley Cyrus’s discography. #
  • 12:58 Glanced at my last blog post. I’m writing like English is my second language again, yay! I must have a broken lobe. #
  • 14:21 The burning desire to reach cookies made Chooch find a way around his immobility. He’s now sitting on his blanket & scooting. #
  • 16:53 Guys on NHL Power Play are defending Ovie, saying he just plays a fast and hard game; but they can’t say the same for Matt Cooke? #
  • 16:54 God, I wish Cooke was suspended just so everyone would STFU about it. #
  • 17:21 On my way to work, I thought about how Henry & I still hold hands when we’re in the car. Guess we don’t hate each other too much after all. #
  • 20:13 I’ve found myself engaged in a silent imbroglio with the security guard at my job. I’m childish so I like it. #
  • 21:04 In the cafeteria on my break, thankful for the soft rock playing & my on-going lack of appetite as I sit across from 5 vending machines. #
  • ***
  • 12:35 I have some intense abandonment issues. I can pinpoint it to the exact moment when I was left in a treehouse when I was 4. Fucking twats. #
  • 13:46 Henry’s making Creamy Fresh Coconut Cake! for Easter. I haven’t told him yet, but how can he say no when BH&G touts it as A Spring Classic. #
  • 16:16 Thank god for Henry changing Chooch’s bandage. Nowhere in my future lies even a joke I’d be a nurse. #
  • 16:20 Chooch just wailed “I hate you” to Henry for rubbing the burn-y red stuff on his cut & it sounded oddly familiar.… #
  • 18:55 I think it’s time for me to finally write the whole story, from the beginning when that fateful comment was left on my livejournal in 2003 #
  • ***
  • 11:24 I’m so happy to have the windows open again! I missed the sound of clanging car haulers & meth addicts shouting on my sidewalk! Oh spring! #
  • 11:28 I’m pretty sure I don’t actually have any Irish in me & when I did, I couldn’t wait to get it out of me. #
  • 11:31 I think I’m going t o celebrate St Patricks Day by punching a ginger. #
  • 13:05 For those who think I don’t exist because I never tweet self-pics: yfrog.com/6u24pdj #
  • 13:07 Addendum to last tweet: Notice The distinct lack of green attire. Ooh, I really know how to stick it to those Irish! #
  • 14:05 There might be a problem if the ladies at work are asking if I’ve lost weight, & I’ve only been there for 2 weeks. Tapeworm, what now? #
  • 14:29 I’m so glad that “erectile dysfunction” dropped by my blog to tell me that he read a few topics, respects my work & added blog to favorites. #
  • 14:30 If “erectile dysfunction” respects my work, the sky’s the limit! Maybe “vaginal secretions” will offer me a book deal. #
  • 14:46 Hay look @ the dumb! St. Forktrick’s Day: “You’re not wearing any green,” Henry said, semi-accusatory after he saw… bit.ly/a4NvGK #
  • 16:59 Forgot how much I used to love Now It’s Overhead. #
  • 19:16 No shutout for YOU, Mr. Brodeur. #NHL #pens #
  • 19:29 Something you don’t hear very often: “Letang missed the net.” Oh. Wait. #pens #
  • 21:34 Just LISTENING to the #pens game was depressing. It’s like they all have crushes on the Devils & go into blushing klutz-mode. #NHL #
  • 21:36 “Dammit, Elias took the puck while I was ogling Parise’s stick…hockey stick…” #
  • ***
  • 09:56 Last nite someone left 2 new stuffed animals on the porch. Guess I shoulda checked them for drugs before letting Chooch sleep w/ them. #
  • 10:21 I can’t wait for True Life: I Have Digital Drama. It has the promise of being more riveting than I Need a Transplant. #
  • 11:50 There’s a halfway house on my block; 1 of the residents is outside “exercising” by walking back&forth in front of the 2 houses next to mine #
  • 12:05 He gets to my driveway & turns around, starts over. Chooch just asked if he’s playing a game. yfrog.com/2sqr4j #
  • 12:19 Hay look @ the dumb! The Christina Chronicles: Prologue: I did a bad thing. When my so-called friend Christina fuc… bit.ly/bSLcGY #
  • 16:10 I wish I could show Twitter how frustrated Henry gets when he learns I pitched the circulars. He’s ranting. This is how I get my jollies! #
  • 16:30 Wouldnt have a prob paying $100 for a grilled cheese if it was served by a singing Cyndi Lauper. It better have exotic cheese, tho. #
  • 17:05 Heard on radio: “Remember the last #Pens #Bruins game when Cooke took out Savard…” Wow really? When was that…? #
  • 17:27 Would not want to be a #pens fan in Boston tonight. #NHL #
  • 18:40 I actually have chills anticipating this #pens #bruins game. Talk about hockey hype night. #NHL #
  • 18:43 Consistency what now? RT @NHL NHL.com: #Ducks Wisniewski gets 8 game suspension for hit on #Blackhawks Seabrook bit.ly/adsT4T #
  • 19:43 Are there any Bruins fans at this game? The Matt Cooke-inspired boos don’t seem very collective #
  • 21:34 BIG WIN, #PENS! Fleury finally gets his shut out. Glad there was no stupid goonism on the ice. #
  • 22:50 Coworker to me: “Youre prob too young to remember Walkmans.” HOW YOUNG DO T HEY THINK I AM? I have gray hairs, check it. #
  • 22:51 Then before I left, my supervisor said, “Youre just the cutest little girl.” Concern, I have it. #
  • 23:53 Puppies and babies might warm your cockles, but for me it’s hockey players nuzzling their goalie after a win. #NHL #
  • ***
  • 01:19 I’ve seen the Wisniewski hit on Seabrook abt 48x & still find myself sharply intaking my breath. How was he able to STAND after that? #NHL #
  • 10:44 How To Ruin a Painting: swear to me that the background color doesn’t matter; then when it’s done, ask that I change the background color. #
  • 12:03 Never thought I’d say this but I’m really starting to love my abs. Fitting into pre-preg jeans might also be adding to the ab-lust. #
  • 14:14 Chooch just said he has lots of “ambitchin’.” Pass some of that to me, son. #
  • 15:14 Bought myself stuff today. Either the earth is off its axis or someone on #SNL did something funny, b/c that almost never happens. #
  • 16:09 It’s funny to me now! This is a good sign. #
  • 16:14 A billion songs on my Zen and all I listen to is sports radio. When did I become a middle aged man. I haven’t started calling in. YET. #
  • 17:22 IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL OUT I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU & HER & HIM & EVERYONE. #
  • 20:09 My boss eats pizza like she’s giving oral sex. Might not need to watch porn tonight. #
  • ***
  • 00:59 I might start tweeting lines from my old diaries, add a shot of melodrama up in here-ahhhh. #
  • 09:13 My cat Marcy always knows when it’s grooming day. The next time i see her she’ll smell like roses, be even surlier, &have a bow on her head #
  • 10:22 Do u ever look over & see a carful of lepers, a kettle of HIV+ blood, & Sarah Palin & think “I’d STILL rather be in that car than mine”? #
  • 10:30 OCD halfway house guy is back in action! brizzly.com/pic/1S95 #
  • 14:18 Rough day at the salon. brizzly.com/pic/1SCP #
  • 15:12 It took me a good 10 minutes to explain to Alisha why we cheer when the #pens kill a penalty. Oh, Alisha. To be young & naive. #
  • 16:50 Alisha’s acting like we just met or she just noticed how pretty I am. On our way to the roller derby bout! #
  • 19:44 Just so you know, that asshole from Kindergarten Cop is at the roller derby. brizzly.com/pic/1SGI #
  • 19:47 I’ll try to get a picture of him. Hopefully I don’t disrupt any devious kidnapping plots, inspiring his mom to shoot me. #
  • 20:17 OMG I JUST MET @BONECRUSHER!! She didn’t crush my bones but she STUNNED ME WITH AWESOMETUDE. #
  • 20:25 Last tweet should say @bonecrusher82! I’M TOO EXCITED TO TWEET PROPERLY!! #
  • 20:36 I can’t wait for Semi Precious 10kt to go back to Canada. The cunt. #
  • 21:23 Alisha’s favorite thing to do is sit under the stars with her cherry cake. (THAT IS ME IN CASE YOU DIDNT KNOW) #
  • 21:24 Alisha just pointed out that cherries and cake are 2 things she’s not very fond of. #
  • 22:03 A minute left and the score is 178-49. I think Steel Hurtin’ might win? Dunno. #
  • 22:14 I’m cushioning my lumbar on the current. Jot that in your log. #
  • 22:58 Getting my gay on at 5801 #
  • 23:18 There is so much leather and HOTDANCEBEATS here. AYOOOO. #
  • 23:59 I WANT TO HUG THIS BAR NO BIGGIE. #
  • ***
  • 00:08 You know what’s gonna be super funnnnnnnnnnnn? When i try to Stand uppppppp! #
  • 00:29 I just very nearly took out innocent bystanders doing jumping j acks in a barrrrrrrr. #
  • 10:55 Woke up today to find that I was replying to myself while drunk. Those are now KINDLY DELETED. #
  • 12:25 Henry turned on Retro just as the original Night of the Living Dead started. Chooch is anxiously awaiting “Theyre coming to get u, Barbara” #
  • 12:32 For a man who’s not metrosexual, it sure takes Henry a long time to get ready. Maybe he’s attaching prosthetics I don’t know about. #
  • 14:14 I hope Henry knocks over a row of Hell’s Angels’ motorcycles toda y. #
  • 14:23 Henry dressed Chooch in too-small jeans and a black skin tight skull t-shirt. He looks like an accidental scene kid on the playground. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Mar 132010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:02 Thank you Sidney Crosby for making this sad girl smile today. #pens #
  • 15:30 Congrats on your first goal as a Penguin, Ponikarovsky! Welcome to Pittsburgh! #pens #
  • 17:20 Chooch burped in front of the waitress. Henry goes “What do u say?” & Chooch said, “I burped.” #
  • 18:56 In Target: Chooch wanted a toy & was trying to convince Henry he was being good. “I didn’t even say ASSHOLE” he shouted in front of 167 ppl. #
  • 19:00 Now Chooch is wearing a St Pattys hat & telling random Target shoppers, “I’m coming to get you, Barbara.” So glad he commands an audience. #
  • 20:56 Designing logos for a friend’s new concession company and totally drinking on the job. #
  • 00:24 Hey SNL, thanks for playing the Benny Hill theme! It reminded me that there is funnier shit out there to be watching so I turned you off. #
  • 00:42 Sunday fantasy: Henry moving furniture and appliances while I sprawl out on the couch with a Bloody Mary. #
  • 00:44 Just kidding. I can’t drink a Bloody Mary without thinking of broads menstruating on my face. And also that I hate to mato juice. #
  • 10:03 Xiu Xiu today. Lots of Xiu Xiu in my head. #
  • 11:34 Chooch can’t like that Barbara says “You’re being mean” instead of “You’re ignorant” in the Night of the Living Dead remake. #
  • 13:15 I’m at my grandma’s house while Henry shovels and goddamn if it doesn’t smell like 10th grade sneak-outs over here. #
  • 14:05 Henry is dancing to Adam Lambert. You heard it here first. #
  • 15:19 WATCHING THE PENGUIN GAME WITH ALISHA. I’M FULL OF GIDDY. #
  • 15:26 Alisha’s wearing her sunglasses in my house, as if I don’t know it’s because she’s shielding her tears. #
  • 15:53 I don’t think saying “He’s hot for an amputee” should inspire the reaction it did from Henry. He’s prejudiced against one-leggers I guess. #
  • 18:03 Henry and Alisha are up front having adult conversation. Chooch & I are in the backseat quoting zombie movies. #
  • 18:06 Speaking fondly of Zombieland yfrog.com/0sxwfj #
  • 18:27 If you saw Henry struggle thru a maze in a coloring book, you would know why I hesitate to ask him for directions. #
  • 18:31 Sidney Crosby will finally get to live out his dream: being my wine receptacle. yfrog.com/jm44ktj #
  • 20:29 Successfully survived another dip; bring on the mania. #
  • 22:07 Someone should point out to the Dancing W/the Stars creators that they might wannna get actual stars on the show or consider a na me change. #
  • 22:25 Kristen Stewart is so goddamn awkward, she makes me look like I wrote the book on social couth. #Oscars #
  • 11:14 Straddling the fence w/ Cupcake Pebbles but the fence is getting frisky so my opinion just might be swayed. (Shoulda worn the crotchless.) #
  • 12:52 I need a blog mechanic. Preferrably one that’s commando under his coveralls & keeps a grilled cheese in his pocket. #
  • 13:00 The last time I checked, an area code should not evoke tears. Perhaps my research is outdated. #
  • 14:05 Here is a blog post thing. “the big shovel”: bit.ly/9kivGF #
  • 16:39 Icecream shop down the street has changed its name to Scoops. How original. Were it mine, I’d call it Yr Mama’s Breasts. But that’s just me. #
  • 20:17 I wish this job would last forever. My boss is very mothering. I like me some mothering. #
  • 22:09 I miss @buenomexicana. #
  • 10:06 I wish Henry was home right now. #
  • 12:00 Henry came home to do stuff for us. He’s so well-trained. Now, if only Chooch and I can get him to use a litter box. #
  • 13:59 Just walked past a man on the phone asking, “Did you hear about Ben?” OMG NO BEN WHO. Surely not Ben Roethlisberger! #
  • 15:07 On the way home from getting my hair cut, two men in a truck hit on me and my neighbor thought I was a teenager. I can like that. #
  • 21:09 My boss announced that she forgot to put on deodorant today. It was awkward. I would be lost in a non-awkward world I think. #
  • 21:11 The snow outside looks like that fake shit they lay down under child molester mall Santas. I like it. #
  • 21:14 The soup at the office cafeteria today was Chicken Pot Pie (And I Dont Care). I thought it was Jimmy’s cracked corn we didn’t care about? #
  • 09:15 WTF NOOOOOO RT @BreakingNews Actor Corey Haim has died, North Hollywood police say – KNBC #
  • 09:17 I’m seriously crying about Corey Haim. I was going to fix him! We were going to have TRU LUV. #
  • 09:21 I guess I’ll just tell Chooch that the Lost Boys finally got Sam. #
  • 09:57 I look for signs on license plates. #
  • 10:09 I glean profound wisdom from My Life As Liz. Thank you MTV for reminding me that things don’t have to be perfect; it just means it’s real. #
  • 11:30 Chooch & I pulled ourselves out of the house & subsequently complained of sun-brightness for the duration of our walk. WE ARE NEVER HAPPY. #
  • 14:34 Seriously, I can’t take it any longer. Is Matt Cooke suspended or not? Decide! #NHL #
  • 14:49 Well shit. Watch out, Crosby & Malkin. RT @TSNBobMcKenzie Matt Cooke is not being suspended by the NHL for his hit on Marc Savard. #
  • 15:04 2 pop culture observations: #1 I actually don’t mind Adam Lambert until he starts shrieking like his dick is clamped in a bear trap. #
  • 15:05 #2 Still can’t get behind Robert Pattinson as a sex symbol. #
  • 15:31 I’m about to get all Nancy Reagan on this Nicolas Sparks books-turned-movies onslaught, OK? Just say no, Hollywood! #
  • 16:04 Henry’s solution to my problems: “I can break up with you; maybe that’ll take your mind off the other stuff.” SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. #
  • 17:24 This is A+, fullfilled my laff-a-day quota RT @Pensblog: Cooke Not Suspended, Crosby Gear Found bit.ly/aWUyMJ #pens #letsgopens #
  • 18:03 I’m pretty sure this cleaning girl wants to be my Cinderella. #
  • 11:58 I listen to sports radio all night at work because my subconscious finds ways to associate every so ng with things I shouldn’t think about. #
  • 12:19 Oreos and coffee – the only things I can keep down. I see stars every time I stand. Magical. #
  • 12:49 Lack of hockey makes me feel anemic. The NHL Network is like a sugar cookie & paper cup of OJ. Thank god the Penguins play tonight. #
  • 13:33 Chooch dropped a bowl on the floor and the noise nearly catapulted me through the roof. My nerves need to get laid. Or maybe I need therapy. #
  • 13:45 My son is very intuitive for his age. I whined for him to help me stop feeling sad. He goes, “What can I do? I don’t have her number!” #
  • 14:04 My friend Lisa is moving back to Pittsburgh in August! She’s my Zoloft. #
  • 14:19 According to Chooch, if I just play Batman, I’ll feel better. So that’s what I’m doing. Who’s the parent in this equation, anyway. #
  • 16:14 At Blinkys, hoping my appetite will meet me here. Haven’t been here since right after i got knocked up with The Chooch. #
  • 18:26 I dont thank @awoodhick nearly enough. #
  • 20:24 Worst part abt having to listen to the #pens game @ work is that I can’t chug wine. Or scream. Or swear. Or cheer. It’s ALL the worst part. #
  • 21:42 First row, first girl = Chooch with pigtails, amirite? yfrog.com/0f4vcvj #
  • 23:05 Waiting for @cocoadeelamo and @daboogmang // yfrog.com/j36lrj #
  • 23:20 There’s a blood smear on my front door that I just can’t bring myself to wipe off. #
  • 01:29 Just in: @daboogmang’s idol is Ben Roethlisberger and he wants to make girls fall and hit their heads. #
  • 10:28 Bill got to stop traffic to help a car hauler and now Jessi hates koalas. #
  • 11:30 Chooch: “Bill, wanna play Batman with me?” Bill: “For about 5 minutes, then Billy’s gotta go smoke weed.” #
  • 12:16 I HATE IT WHEN BILL AND JESSI LEAVE. fuck you, Michigan. #
  • 15:16 Blind date: Giacomo 1999 // www.ohhonestlyerin.com/?p=4452 #
  • 16:12 The fact that I only could down half of a Vanilla Pastry Studio cupcake says a lot. Henry ate the half that had my tears on it. Salty. #
  • 16:44 Best shoes, hollaaaaa. yfrog.com/4vjbtj #
  • 18:42 I wish I could be as positive as Henry. Then things wouldn’t seem so finite. #
  • 19:06 Your signals, they are mulatto. #
  • 21:18 How many more lucky breaks can the fucking Devils possibly get. Fuck New Jersey. #
  • 22:28 Talk me out of buying cigarettes. #
  • 22:46 I’m the villain, no matter how you spin it. Just need a moustache to wiggle. #
  • 01:20 If my cat Don was a hockey player, he’d be Evgeni Malkin. #NHL #
  • 01:36 Bill & Jessi got me this awesome coloring book but forgot the Christ-ly crayons! Heathens! yfrog.com/58r2itj #
  • 01:56 A Life Lesson! Henry: Be the better person. Me: That never gets me anywhere. Henry: Because you’re never the better person! #
  • 10:29 Found our old “relationship” journal lol. yfrog.com/efxmbj #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Mar 062010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 19:17 An infomercial for Time Life Pop Memories of the 1960s is on & suddenly I’m sitting on a stool in my grandparents’ kitchen. HEARTACHE. #
  • 19:20 This whole week has been a melon baller to the heart. #
  • 21:46 I DVRd the Time Life pop memories infomercial so that I could re-enjoy it later with Henry, which is what is happening right now. #
  • 21:51 Henry loves when I drink wine and tell him stories about my childhood while laughing and spitting all over him. I wish he was Henry Mancini. #
  • 21:56 Henry’s working on making me a swing made of flowers to sit on in the house, he just doesn’t know it yet. OH I YEAR N FOR THE 60s. #
  • 22:22 My cat Don just told me, “Grandma, sometimes I feel so bad for you, I sit here while you’re sleeping & cry” & I said, “Aw thanks, kid.” #
  • 00:23 Congrats to Finland’s hockey team, grabbing Olympic bronze. I like saying Teemu’s Selanne’s name as if I’m wearing a headgear, spit flying. #
  • 02:32 If I ever feel fooled into wanting another child, I hope I come back and read this tweet. #
  • 09:53 I don’t like many female singers, but Adele makes me cry. #
  • 14:08 I am a goddamn mess. I actually just laughed at myself, which I suppose is better than slitting my throat with a frying pan. #
  • 14:34 I’m really sick of seeing skis. Men’s hockey gold medal game, any day now. #Olympics #
  • 14:48 I asked Chooch if he wants to have an Easter egg hunt. His response was, “Easter hates you.” He’s so mean, where does he get it??! #
  • 15:21 WHAT’S UP GOLD MEDAL HOCKEY???? #olympics #
  • 16:30 I think I dislocated my elbow. Just another hockey-viewing injury. #teamusa finally on the board! My loyalties are so confused right now! #
  • 16:48 I hope this #Olympic gold medal game helps turn my football-fed country on to hockey. #
  • 17:35 THIS is how a gold medal game should be. Parise’s goal with 24 seconds left actually brought tears to my eyes. So exciting! I love hockey. #
  • 17:55 That’s the only way Canada should have won – Crosby scoring the gold medal winning goal! #teamcanada #
  • 17:57 I feel so conflicted!! I’m so happy for Crosby, but fucking USA had all the heart. #
  • 18:10 #teamusa is making me cry. I want to give them all a hug and remind them how fantastic they are. I’m looking at you, too, Ryan Miller. #
  • 18:13 All the Sidney Crosby haters are puking now, probably not as much as Alex Ovechkin though. #
  • 18:16 Sidney Crosby got a Stanley Cup and an Olympic gold medal in the span of a year. What did Ovechkin get? Uglier. #
  • 18:19 A sentiment worth echoing // RT @penschat Don’t care how this game ended, Ryan Miller is a national hero. #TeamUSA #
  • 21:12 “Lets Have a Party”? Srsly, Olympic closing ceremonies? Sounds like it belongs on one of those Olson twins straight-to-VHS movies of the 90s #
  • 21:13 Though I suppose it was mildly more palatable than hearing “whoa-oa Vancouver” chanted semi-monotonously for 15 minutes. #Olympics #
  • 22:21 If the cast of Degrassi doesn’t make an appearance in these closing ceremonies, I’m gon’ be pissed. #
  • 22:26 The always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver. #
  • 22:42 Remember those #Olympics? I miss them. Even curling. (Maybe.) #
  • 23:15 Get on that, Hank!RT @lifeinflux I want you & Henry to get married so you can be on The Marriage Ref! You’d set national tv ratings on fire! #
  • 10:47 I get to try this employment thing again tomorrow apparently. #
  • 14:36 March! It’s you, you’re here! Let’s resume our annual love affair. #
  • 14:42 Wearing my Sidney Crosby Defender cape today. It’s purple and fringed with stripper tassels. Don’t cross us. #pens #teamcanada #teamusa #
  • 18:16 There’s nothing quite like eating a vegetarian sloppy joe with paint all over my hands. #
  • 19:02 RT @TSNBobMcKenzie Two thirds of all Canadians, around 22 million, were watching on TV when Sidney Crosby scored GWG in OT. Two thirds!! #
  • 21:27 Chooch was good at Target so his reward is Zombieland. Naturally. #
  • 23:35 Trying to condense a 6 year history between 2 girls into 1 email is easier than you’d think! I’m lying! WHAT’S UP PITTSBURGH?! #
  • 00:29 If someone looked in my window & saw me crying, they’d think I was watching Steel Magnolias, not some Team USA spot on the NHL Network. #
  • 11:16 If ever I’m looking for a 100% guarantee of frustration, I only need to ask Henry for directions. #
  • 11:17 No one can make scenes of the Apocalypse manifest before my eyes better than Henry. A 60-sec phone call & I’m looking for things to break. #
  • 11:39 I doubt the plumbing in my house is strong enough for all the psychic sewage I need to dump. I know: I’ll just take it to @saucalisha’s. #
  • 12:06 I think if I were ever to have my stress taken away, I’d go into apoplectic shock. #
  • 13:31 I hated the early, Anna-centric episodes of The OC. Someone put that in my obit. #
  • 15:04 If I could cut myself in half to please everyone, well….I still wouldn’t. #
  • 15:07 THATS IT! I eat too much paint. RT @vagynafondue There’s nothing quite like eating a vegetarian sloppy joe with paint all over my hands. #
  • 16:01 The first episode that I ever saw of Silent Library is on right now, bringing with it instant happiness. #
  • 16:04 I mean come on, who wouldn’t eat a sweaty man’s spaghetti shoelaces for $300? Other than rich ppl and anti-glutenites? #
  • 16:08 Lady Gaga must feel proud that she has enough hits to warrant an entire episode of ABDC in her honor. She can probs retire now. #
  • 16:56 I think Henry just helped one of my ex boyfriends pull out into traffic. #
  • 21:13 I am not supposed to be texting from my new job but I wanted desperately to break that law. Down with the Man. #
  • 08:46 Trying to finalize the plan to leave Henry for Trey Songz. #
  • 10:09 CHOOCH JUST SAID “I WANT DADDY TO MARRY YOU” & I AM DYING. HAHAH. #
  • 10:32 You want pancakes for breakfast, you say? Ramen noodles it is! #
  • 10:58 Fuck LiveJournal. Yes, that’s right, I left the Internet version of a Mormon compound & lived to talk about it. #
  • 12:57 My phone is never as active as it is right before the #NHL trade deadline. Wow, is my life rich or what. #
  • 12:59 I think I’ll post nothing but tweets and my shitty fiction in my blog for an entire month!! The Fresh Beat Band says “Yeah yeah yeah.” #
  • 15:05 Imprinting is real. #
  • 15:47 Finding a good secretary is HARD. Henry’s not doing a good job. Apparently he has another “job,” whatever THATS all about. #
  • 19:45 Um. I kind of love this new job. #
  • 20:39 My boss enjoys her peanut butter toast with sunflower seeds on top. OMG ME TOO. #
  • 08:51 Why can’t Justin Bieber just play t-ball like normal kids his age. #
  • 12:28 I bow down before Chooch’s computer proficiency. I’m pretty sure when I was 3, I was eating paste and smearing poop on walls. #
  • 13:06 My kid is always pushing me out of my comfort zone. Like when he makes me use the oven to cook frozen fries. I’m so harried right now. #
  • 13:18 How do you like your grilled cheese? #
  • 13:31 Chooch and I are convinced that @mrsevils is Santa Claus. Another box of murder arrived on our front porch! #
  • 13:34 Another fantastic ornament for my dome, made by @mrsevils (mrsevils.etsy.com)! yfrog.com/b5ke0wj #
  • 00:56 At the end of the day, my only role in life is that of cat mattress. I’m cool with that. #
  • 07:41 I can’t concentrate with all these nuts in my face. #
  • 10:32 Christ, if this is how I feel NOW, what would I do if HENRY ever left me? The Internet might break. #
  • 10:33 Even Mopey Time has commercials: holy shit, Cupcake Pebbles???? #
  • 11:29 RT @NHL Burke: “I think people who watched the Olympics would be hard-pressed not to fall in love with our game.” bit.ly/awEBLp #
  • 15:08 Cupcake Couples CUSTOM LISTING by somnambulant on Etsy bit.ly/bygw93 #
  • 16:44 Like I needed more evidence that Ben Fuckerberger is a raping asshole. God, I hate that piece of shit. #
  • 21:07 I hope Henry has the wahambulance waiting for me when I get home. Oh hahaha. #
  • 23:29 God bless flax seed, am I right. #
  • 23:44 As if it wasn’t bad enuf Ty from Real World DC pushed Andrew off a ledg e, he got himself an internship w/ the Capitals. That motherfucker. #
  • 12:16 I wish the Dannon Danimals slogan was “Get your breast out.” #
  • 13:17 Hockey to Chooch is like an unwanted sibling and he acts like a spoiled brat everytime it’s on. #

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Feb 272010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:36 Having extreme regret for all I ate yesterday. Bad food puts me in a bad(der) mood. Hummus and carrots for lunch it is. #
  • 15:09 Bullies, that’s all these Russians are. I’m boycotting white Russians until the #Olympics are over. N/m it’s been 5 yrs since I had one. #
  • 15:12 And don’t even think you’ll see me in my kokoschnik until at LEAST April. #olympics #russiansarebulliesgoeatyourborscht #
  • 16:50 Don’t hurt Jagr, you Russian Ovechfuck!! #
  • 18:54 Been at Altar Bar for 15 minutes and don’t hate anyone yet!! #
  • 20:24 Some beefy guy just clamped his porkchop hand on @saucalisha’s back. Can’t see her face but know she’s scowling. #
  • 20:50 RT @penschat Anyone watching ice dancing or figure skating instead of #TeamUSA vs. #TeamCanada right now should jump off a bridge. #
  • 21:09 Forgot how much i like Nonpoint. Drunk guy to my left is ready to topple. I have fear. #
  • 21:34 At a rock show and STILL watching hockey. No biggie. #
  • 21:51 Countdown to me crying like a baby. #
  • 21:57 But no, don’t play Fleury or anything like that, Babcock. #teamcanada #
  • 22:01 Altar Bar erupted in cheers for #teamusa. I felt so conflicted, like the time I couldn’t decide between rifle and ice pick. #
  • 06:53 This past weekend was the equivalent to escaping Leatherface’s house on one leg. I feel horrible, mentally & physically. #
  • 06:56 The only exercise I got all weekend was jumping to Nonpoint. I’m going to have to join the army or something. Obviously. #
  • 07:06 RT @spacecoaster “Don’t just DO something–stand there!” The closest the Tea Party has to a political platform. #
  • 07:18 I always feel so much more alive after seeing Cold. #
  • 08:38 Sitting here trying to figure out a way to word my resignation without it sounding like “Daddy says I can’t work here anymore.” #
  • 08:46 I’m so exhausted that multiplying 23×2 in my head made me cry. #
  • 10:11 Fuuuuuuck I hate making bad-news phone calls. I guess I’m finishing out the week and I’m done. #
  • 11:47 U know that feeling u get when u put out a hit & the hitman takes out the wrong person? Add a side of toothache & that’s how I feel. #
  • 13:23 IKR?! RT @kausatoday Funny how no one is mentioning Fleury to be Canada’s goalie even though he has 30 playoff wins over the past 2 springs #
  • 16:25 Chooch just explained to me the directions on the Mac n Cheese box; sadly his recipe comprehension exheeds his mother’s. #
  • 17:45 My exhaustion told me that changing the spelling of “exceed” to “exheed” would be ok. Just a little FYI-aperitif before dinner. #
  • 06:57 I’m sincerely hoping that Katy Perry’s turn as a Proactiv spokespizzaface means she’s on her way to obscurity, a la Jessica Simpson. #
  • 07:32 Um. It’s been 2 days and i’m still crying about Cold. #
  • 09:34 All I do is sit around waiting to be told what to do next, like goddamn Kindercare. It’s a wonder I don’t need a permission slip to piss. #
  • 09:52 God I can’t even perform the inherent act of swallowing saliva properly. #
  • 13:50 My boss said he’s bummed Henry had to ruin my job here; called me a good egg. I laughed. #
  • 14:00 I feel like I work in a waiting room. I just SIT here WAITING. Kind of glad I’m done on Friday. #
  • 17:52 Way to keep us posted, @NBCOhockey. #
  • 19:58 Pulling for a #teamcanada win. Wish they’d have played Fleury but I do enjoy hearing the LUUUUU chants. #olympics #
  • 20:06 Henry made a big pot of baby food for dinner; acted surprised when I wouldn’t eat it. #
  • 21:42 I love the “We want Russia” chant from Canadian crowd. Fuck all the other events, #Olympic hockey is too exciting to watch anything else. #
  • 07:22 I am definitely going through a life crisis. Listening to Frank Turner is coddling though. #
  • 08:41 HEY GUESS WHAT IM DOING AT MY JOB RIGHT NOW, OMG IM WAITING!!! WAS THAT YR GUESS??? YOU JUST WON MY LIFE!!! #
  • 08:48 I’m an ugly person. #
  • 09:11 I keep dreaming about someone no longer in my life and it’s stressing me out in more ways than I could have imagined. #
  • 09:16 Fuck I can’t keep sitting here, waiting. My skin is a’tremble; tears springing to my eyes. Don’t care that I’m getting paid to do fuck all. #
  • 11:58 Frolicking in the cem with my nutso kid is way better than playing waiting games in an office. yfrog.com/4erdeij #
  • 12:25 Chooch just praised me for getting him in his carseat without incident. Well, it IS a big deal if you know me. #
  • 13:26 On Words With Friends, you can play “homo” and “lez,” but not “Jew.” Shit, you’re an asshole for trying. #
  • 13:27 Got a box of chocolate cookies in the mail today just for writing @coupesetique’s name in the snow. The world isn’t so bad sometimes. #
  • 14:10 The sight of my three year old thumbing through the new issue of @altpress (& recognizing bands) made my heart swell. #
  • 16:46 That puck really looked like it went in for the Swiss. #teamusa #olympics #
  • 17:00 I feel spoiled by #Olympic hockey. Henry who. #
  • 17:19 If not for Hiller in goal, that Swiss-US game would have been a BLOWOUT. At least Mark Streit is used to losing. #teamusa #
  • 19:38 I wish I had a #teamcanada jersey to wear right now. Oh god, please beat the Russians. #
  • 19:39 GETZLAF! 1-0 Canada. Just think, that could have been doucheknobber Jeff Carter. #teamcanada #
  • 19:42 Will be interesting to see if the Shark line scores against their NHL teammate. I should not be this excited while sober!!! #
  • 19:59 I feel bad for Malkin and Gonch but GODDAMN GO CANADA! Was NOT expecting them to lead 3-0 in the 1st. #teamcanada #
  • 20:17 Henry just ran down a laundry list of all his wifely duties (laundry included) while apparently all I do is watch hockey. I’m Tolhursting. #
  • 20:27 I wish I had a La-Z-Boy and a taste for beer. Time to scour Goodwill for nacho- and Skol-stained flannels. #authenticatingtherolereversal #
  • 21:09 Henry just found Chooch inside a pillowcase. Chooch is our son, by the way; not the family hamster. #
  • 21:10 RT @drosennhl This reminds me of Game 7, Pitt-Wash. Big hype, and one team just dominates because a Russian couldn’t stop a puck. #
  • 21:46 Canada/Russia = most entertaining hockey game i’ve seen in awhile. Tempers are FLARING. Malkin elbowed a benched Getzlaf in the face, lol. #
  • 21:51 Final score 7-3, #teamcanada! Totally didnt predict this! GO HOME OVECHKIN. #
  • 21:56 Mike Milbury, on Russia: I was disappointed that these guys came with their Eurotrash game. #
  • 22:17 Went to HS w/ a girl who told ppl she drove a Hummer b/c she was “rich.” Funny, I thought it was because she was a slovenly American asshole #
  • 07:04 Get fucked, nostalgia. #
  • 07:08 Lindsay Vonn might be good at skiing or whatever it is she does, but she should put more practice in having a less annoying voice. #
  • 07:35 The problem is that I have not rebounded. #
  • 09:04 Just found out the wife of someone I shouldn’t care about died yesterday and I’m at this stupid job trying not to cry. #
  • 09:07 I’m glad I get up at 6am to come to this lame job for entir e hour. I’ve srsly been working just to pay for the gas it takes to get here. #
  • 10:35 On today’s Brightside List: I don’t know anyone in real life like The Real World DC’s Ashley. Certainly something to smile about. #
  • 18:21 I hate it when the pizza guy interrupts my soul-baring moment with Henry. Not that Henry was listening anyway. #
  • 07:01 Me: I was very mature at 4. Henry: Really? Because you’re not very mature at 30. #
  • 07:35 I sincerely need to stop crying everyday on the way to work. Oh wait, this is my last day. Lolsies. #
  • 08:12 Nothing beats an intense joyride through the snow to a job I won’t have after today. #
  • 09:21 Erin, did you make it to work OK? Why, yes Henry, thanks for asking. #
  • 10:31 I was only at this job for 16 days yet my boss almost made me cry when he wished me luck. FUCK SENSITIVITY. #
  • 14:25 Asked Chooch if he wants to play hockey. “How about croquet instead?” he asked. Sure Chooch, I’ll sign you up for lessons w/ the Red Queen. #
  • 15:08 I’m so happy I can end this emotionally exhausting week with two Olympic hockey games. Go #teamusa and #teamcanada!! #
  • 15:31 Finland didn’t get the memo that this is the Olympic semifinal. #teamusa is up 6-0 and there’s still 6 min left in the 1st pd. Massacre. #
  • 22:03 My neighbors have a staircase to infinity on which they walk in cinderblock boots. God love ’em. #
  • 03:42 I might die if I don’t order a Swivel Sweeper G2 RIGHT NOW. I want to see if it’ll pick up the bone fragments in my basement. #
  • 07:53 My cats are 9 sec away from filming a sappy Enya-backed starving cat commercial & I’m like, ” Have you SEEN the chubs on you??” Get a life! #
  • 09:53 I can smell her on my sweat shirt. #
  • 10:24 A little snow doesn’t seem so bad when other places are being ravaged by earthquakes and tsunamis. So fucking scary. #
  • 10:25 I need a backpack that allows me to publicly display a box of tampons. Then I’ll take it kayaking. What’s up, menstruation? #
  • 13:03 I would feel better if there were perhaps some sort of sign. #
  • 13:35 Just overheard Henry say he’s tired of seeing Chooch’s weener. #
  • 14:05 Of all the CDs to choose from, Chooch pulls out Copeland and asks, “Can we listen to this today?” Well. I DID ask for a sign, I guess. #

Automatically shipped by Lo udTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Feb 202010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:43 The noises in my house right now make me wish I own a shotgun. #
  • 15:45 Chooch just told Henry that I hit him, he fell down, & then I hit him again?!?! But he left out the part where I burnt him with a lighter! #
  • 19:33 MAMA’S TRYING TO WATCH THIS HOCKEY GAME STFU. #pens #
  • 21:32 Jesus Christ, I love Sidney Crosby!i can’t wait to watch him in the Olympics! #letsgopens #
  • 22:34 I need a shot of te stosterone. Or heroine. #
  • 23:07 It seriously starts out with Justin Bieber? Fuck this “We Are the World.” And Miley Cyrus probably doesn’t even know where Haiti is. #
  • 00:21 I feel guilty but I want the men’s Canadian hockey team to win gold. #
  • 08:18 Henry is right where he belongs: in the kitchen. #
  • 14:36 Alisha spent 15 minutes talking about the “breakdown” in the 90s hit “All For One” by Sting, Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart. #
  • 16:16 Pretty sure I’m going to wear a clown wig from now on. #
  • 21:42 Me: it’s not easy being me. Henry: it’s not easy being WITH you, either. #
  • 21:43 While watching the #Olympics, I enjoy accusing athletes of cheating & then sitting back while Henry defends them passionately. #
  • 22:48 I love/hate getting sucked up in the Olympics. I especially like making faux-hateful comments that raise Henry’s bushy brows. #
  • 22:52 The way the guy says “I’m right here, & I always will be” in that Kay’s spot makes me feel like he should be pressing a gun into her side. #
  • 23:36 Just made Chooch’s Valentine, elementary school-style. Red construction paper heart, lots of red glitter. No patience for macaroni though. #
  • 08:58 I wish Jillian Michaels was my Valentine. #
  • 09:07 Henry just winked at me. What year did I wake up in. #
  • 09:16 I fucked up by going traditional with Chooch’s valentine. The first thing he said was, “Um, why aren’t there any zombies on it?” #
  • 09:38 Old school Vday picture of Chooch: www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/366 #
  • 11:06 Henry suggested I make greeting cards that don’t offend so many groups of people. I’m pretty sure my head transformed into a question mark. #
  • 11:14 I really feel like the Kay’s commercials subliminally promote murder. I’m writing them a letter. #
  • 13:12 Nashville Predators is the only team I don’t know jack about. #letsgopens! Give mama a VDay win! #
  • 13:31 Chuckle City as usual with these FSN announcers. Oh Bob & Steigy. #bringbackmikelange #
  • 13:34 I can’t WAIT to watch Crosby play in the #Olympics. #
  • 13:43 Ate a fist-sized Reeses heart; pretty sure I’ll be puking @ some point 2day. But really isn’t that what VDay is for? Nausea? Puking? Murder? #
  • 14:58 FREE CANDY! #letsgopens #
  • 19:35 Figure skating is my least favorite but at least I can have fun heckling. #douchinguptheolympics #
  • 20:25 It’s a good thing I don’t have a screen printer. #
  • 09:00 I think I already hate someone here. #
  • 14:14 Don’t care what the critics say: “3 Cheers For Sweet Revenge” will always be My Chemical Romance’s opus in my eyes. #
  • 16:11 If you ever want to see my son get all up in arms, take a bite out of string cheese. “Youre not doing it right!!!” is what he’ll scream. #
  • 17:09 The way Henry said “You’re annoying” to me, it was almost as if it just now occurred to him after 9 years. #
  • 22:53 It seems like every time I look up, someone on my TV is falling. Bad Olympians. #
  • 23:01 Don’t you ever try to hack off my leg again. I need it for the ant parade. #
  • 23:04 I kept my mouth shut about Undercover Boss. But now Minute To Win It & The Marriage Ref? TV needs to get a fucking life. #
  • 06:49 Henry just said “It’s not like we’re living high on the hog” & I might puke from laughing. #
  • 07:52 Perhaps old school Dance Gavin Dance wasn’t the best choice of music for my morning commute. #
  • 08:18 I think i just found an Elenore replacement. Suddenly I can’t remember how to spell Elenore’s name. #
  • 09:17 Remind me again how I wound up with two jobs. #
  • 10:23 Thinking about the men’s Olympic hockey starting today made me cry WTF. #
  • 10:52 I really have no right to feel so sad today. Maybe I should find a clown to fuck. That usually helps. #
  • 12:15 Shelly Lee, Rep #58? You’re a cunt. #
  • 14:43 My new goal is to meet a real life curler. #
  • 14:43 That replaces my old goal of interviewing a bait shop owner. #
  • 14:50 Great, but what about my grenades: In Virginia, you can now carry a loaded gun into a bar as long as you don’t drink bit.ly/ddbhVI #
  • 14:58 MEN’S HOCKEY FINALLY OMG. #
  • 15:34 Bobby Ryan scores on his NHL teammate. Awkward! #olympics #
  • 15:42 All pendants are $10! Just enter the word MOIST in the message to seller upon check out & I’ll issue $2 refund. tinyurl.com/yeaq7rg #
  • 16:03 Ryan Malone scores! He’ll always be a Penguin in my heart. #Olympics #
  • 19:17 The new @circasurvive track is sick, not that I expected any less from one of my all time favorite bands. I can’t wait to see them again! #
  • 20:02 How did country music become synonymous with the #olympics? And can curling please go away now? My TV wants real athletes. #
  • 20:04 So CNBC finally stops jacking off over curling and the #teamcanada hockey game has been playing for nearly an entire period. Awesome. #
  • 20:28 Lol RT @penschat Breaking news: @NBCOlympics to preempt the 3rd pd of tonite’s Canada-Norway game in favor of Olympic Hot Dog Eating contest #
  • 20:45 I feel cheap, cheering after a Mike Richards goal. #teamcanada #flyersstillsuck #
  • 21:49 My prom date Jarome Iginla just got a hat trick for #teamcanada! Olympic hockey is sexy. #
  • 22:32 Apparently Iginla’s last goal went to Nash instead, but Crosby still had 3 assists & Iginla called him best player in the world, TRUTH. #
  • 08:46 Hope this is the final answer // RT @NBCOHockey Scoring changed on Canada’s 8th goal, credit goes to Iginla, and he gets the hat trick. #
  • 11:13 Here’s Henry: “Get a job NOW!” & when I get a job? “When are you coming home are you done yet did you leave yet???” FUCK. #
  • 13:15 Home from my dumb job; have to take some test for a Census job later. I miss being a lady of leisure. #
  • 13:16 At least I have a recording of Team Russia’s hockey game from last night. And a pocketful of crack. (Kidding. God.) #
  • 13:48 I think today I’ll hate the Swiss. #Olympics #
  • 13:54 Apple juice face. yfrog.com/3nbbakj #
  • 15:34 Henry, you motherfucker. #
  • 15:40 It took Henry this long to realize he fights with me like I’m his teenage daughter. #
  • 16:01 About to take some lame Census test, sitting in a stifling library with a bunch of gaybos. HOPE I PASS LOLZ. #
  • 16:09 Some people need their hands held through the application process. I might be here awhile. #
  • 17:03 I just had a flashback to taking GED test. I now require a bucket of cold water and a sharp slap to the face. #
  • 17:12 I spent most of the test duration trying to remember what 9×7 is bec ause I’m super smarteeeeeez. #
  • 17:15 Apparently I’m slaloming home. yfrog.com/37yweij #
  • 19:25 What? No. I wasn’t at mass. I was giving head in a fireplace. #
  • 20:10 As usual, Chooch drew attention in Target with his loud commentary. #
  • 23:18 @NBCOlympics I couldn’t wait for Olympic hockey to start, & for what? To miss nearly a full period of Team Canada due to CURLING? #
  • 23:20 @NBCOlympics No figure skating on tonight, yet hockey is still banished to NBC’s bastard channels. Makes sense! #
  • 23:22 RT @walsha Crash their Twitter accounts, blast them! Every fan enraged with NBC’s treatment of hockey,let them hear from you @NBCOlympics #
  • 07:17 If a song has “funeral” in the title, odds are I’ll like it. Unless it’s backed with the grating “vocal stylings” of one Miley Cyrus. #
  • 07:57 There are 4 antique shops & a dollhouse mini store in the town I work in case yr looking for a 1800s shoehorn or a bidet for yr dollhouse #
  • 10:18 There are scissors within my reach and I’m tempted to give them a free ticket to the Hair Cuttiing Carnival on my head. #
  • 10:39 Just sent Henry a sad pic of myself looking super sadly sad. Maybe he’ll buy me a present. Or let me quit my job & go back to being awesome #
  • 15:09 One thing I’ve learned while waiting impatiently for #olympic hockey games to get TV-time: America has a shitty curling team. #
  • 15:50 I was going to say that I’m starting to resent Henry but I guess since that started back in 2002, it’s a pretty fortified resentment by now. #
  • 15:58 This resentment has the stench of aged fromage. #
  • 20:00 That’s ok @NBCOlympics. I didn’t need to see that Heatley goal for #teamcanada. I had BONUS COVERAGE of CURLING to “entertain” me. #
  • 20:12 Google this “erin is so stupid cuz she wont make dinner only pizza and that is so dumb” and my blog is the first result. Awesome I think. #
  • 20:17 Henry: “Just be thankful they’re showing hockey AT ALL. Remember when the Olympics used to only be on one channel?” God, he’s so old. #
  • 20:43 Well, I guess showing one out of three goals during this Canada/Swiss hockey game isn’t too bad, huh @NBCOlympics? Fuckers. #
  • 21:11 The only way @NBCOlympics could fuck up th eir hockey coverage any further would be if they had Jay Leno announcing. #Olympics #
  • 22:01 Sidney Crosby scores in an #Olympic shootout, wins the game & Canada drowns in their celebratory ejaculations. Go #teamcanada! #
  • 22:45 I ate a lot of carrots tonight. I said ATE. Not fucked. God. That was last Tuesday. #
  • 08:43 Oh my god. I should never leave the house that early on the heels of one of my ridiculous rants. I think I’m in early stages of a coronary. #
  • 12:09 They shoulda let ME write this: bit.ly/cIQ016 NBC still refusing to answer questions on why it’s ruining the Olympics. #
  • 12:54 I’m so glad I got a job so Henry can stay home playing online poker. #
  • 20:05 I guess bitching when you don’t win gold is the new #Olympic sport? Figure skaters make me angry. #
  • 20:13 Going to start going to town hall meetings; I have a lot to say/yell. Maybe public access is the way to go; my rants are broad in design. #
  • 20:23 Am I the only one not offended by Tiger Woods’ sexcapades? Maybe it’s my dried up well of morals, but fuck who you want, dude. #
  • 21:58 Goddammit I need a Valium or some shit. #
  • 22:04 At least I’m going to Cleveland tomorrow to see The Used, rather than sulk around being morose like every other Feb 20th. Progress. #
  • 22:47 Henry is upstairs. I just called him so he could hear our cat Don talk. I don’t think his heart swelled. #
  • 10:01 The upside to not selling my pendants is that I have something for every outfit. Birds you say, pink s weater? Then birds it is! #
  • 14:44 I just like giving truckers something to smile about, OK? #
  • 16:02 Being lost is awesome. How else would I have a reason to go to Caribou Coffee and immediately find 2 broads to hate. #
  • 16:55 Chocolate Bar before The Used, no biggie. yfrog.com/371ugbtj #
  • 17:03 @saucalisha Right? Sometimes it’s amazing how awesome my life is. Covet away!! #
  • 17:20 I’m choco-sick now. #
  • 19:18 MY HANDS ARE NOT SWEATY. Alisha always has to criticize me because she’s JELIS. #
  • 19:35 Oh, the people in front of me. I can’t even. #
  • 19:45 And I KNOW this other slut is wearing a Bumpit. I’m sure of it. Thought I’d be jealous but no, not so much. #
  • 23:35 Great show until the end when I got in verbal confrontation with some dude. Now at IHOP feeding my aggression. #
  • 23:57 Alisha likes her meat sweet. #
  • 03:13 Words cannot describe how good it feels to be home. All I can say before passing out is FUCK OHIO. #
  • 11:26 Have I learned nothing from The Jersey Shore? #
  • 12:00 Did not wake up feeling very cool, like I reverted back to one of my past, less stable versions. Not compatible with 2010. #
  • 13:51 Maybe if he were a bit more aware, he would know what’s wrong with me. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Feb 132010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:32 Good afternoon! I’m walking through a snowstorm to the post office. With wet hair. I’m a smarteeeeeee! #
  • 14:46 Got schooled by some old man when I almost fell while attempting to walk too fast on the snowy sidewalk. #
  • 15:54 The Warped Tour iPhone app is fantastic. I’m going to use the shit out of it. (OMG I can’t wait for Warped!) #
  • 16:56 I wonder what it will be like when @awoodhick sleeps to death. #
  • 17:03 It’s inspiring that a writer as shitty as Nicolas Sparks can get his books made into blockbuster movies. #
  • 20:24 I’ll never let Henry cut Chooch’s hair again. He’s graduated from cancer kid to a baby Rue McClanahan. #
  • 22:11 Tall sit-ups are my jam. #
  • 22:14 The #Capitals must have read “The Secret.” #NHL #
  • 23:11 I just stepped onto my front porch without thinking, like the asshole I am, and wound up with snow halfway to my knee. #
  • 23:19 And for the second time today I’m reminded, way after the fact, that I have snow boots. #
  • ***
  • 01:01 :( RT @nhllive Condolences to Brian Burke on the loss of his son Brendan. All our th oughts and prayers are with Brian and his family. #
  • 01:59 Hay look @ the dumb! 2 Prison Penpals: Some girls have a lot of shoes; I have a lot of purses. So many in fact, th… bit.ly/bGdCzj #
  • 08:44 I’m going to dive off my porch into the snow, enjoy it for 10-20 seconds, & then promptly return to hating snow’s guts. #
  • 08:54 Although, with my neighborhood, there’s always that chance of diving onto a hypodermic needle. #
  • 10:31 About to snow dive like it’s an Olympic sport, ya’ll. Here’s hoping I don’t impale myself on any urban weaponry. #
  • 10:57 Henry is trying so hard to shovel & I keep cannonballing into the yard, sending snow flying back onto the sidewalk. He is PISSED. #
  • 10:58 Fucking asshole motherfucking ass raping snow shit. yfrog.com/au32825693j #
  • 10:59 Our Chooch got stranded. We let him sweat it out a little before swimming over to him. yfrog.com/3n1dygj #
  • 11:11 Chooch is trying to run from a Kleenex-brandishing Henry but he’s limited considering its a real life Dig Dug out there. Now he’s trapped. #
  • 13:16 WTF is going on w/ #wordswithfriends. There is nothing to do today! & some retard is trying to ride a bike past my house in all this snow. #
  • 13:22 Paul Coffey is still so hot. #pens #
  • 14:02 Someone ne eds to make me mayor because I’ve got some fucking ideas that need implemented. #
  • 14:03 Go FSN! We didn’t want to watch the #pens game today anyway. #
  • 14:19 That was bullshit. Fleury was fucking bulldozed. Awesome revenge goal by Dupuis! #letsgopens #
  • 14:22 18:51 and the #pens #habs game is already tied at 1. Weird start. #
  • 14:44 Someone must have told the #Habs that their only chance at beating the #pens is by continually tackling Fleury. #
  • 16:34 Um, I hope this isn’t how the #pens are going to play against the #caps. #
  • 17:38 Neighbor drama!! I love my street. #
  • 17:58 For someone who doesn’t care about The Vampire Diaries, Henry sure asks a lot of questions. #
  • ***
  • 01:30 Paul McCartney has always made me feel uncomfortable, like I’ve been repressing memories of him molesting me. #
  • 01:31 You know, kind of like how most people feel around Henry: suspiciously violated, phantom moustache burns. #
  • 11:49 Everyone should turn on NBC at noon (EST, yo). #
  • 12:18 I can’t imagine going to McDonalds and thinking, “That’s the best dollar I’ve ever spent.” #
  • 12:20 CROSBY! I’m too afraid to get too celebratory, given what team we’re playing. #letsgopens #
  • 12:26 Keep booing Crosby, everyone; he loves it. #letsgopens #
  • 13:27 My hockey-provoked fistpumping puts the Jersey Shore to shame. And also puts my shoulder in pain. #letsgopens #
  • 13:28 Helluva Captain, that Ovechkin. Hold on, I got some sarcasm caught in my throat. #pens #caps #
  • 13:31 Fucking OMG this game is exciting. Who’s gonna get the hat trick first, Crosby or Staal? #pens #NHL #
  • 14:42 At least 15 new grays have sprouted up thanks to this fucking game. #letsgopens #
  • 14:48 Motherfucker. #
  • 16:31 A Superbowl recipe for you! “Making Cookies From Bread” bit.ly/bubthK #
  • 17:39 I just watched the priest across the street get a pizza delivered to him. It was wildly exciting. So exciting that I have chest pains now. #
  • 18:05 Henry’s on the prowl for slutty broads with broken legs. #
  • 18:31 Yeah, I have no idea who’s even in the Super(dumb)bowl. #
  • 18:51 This is the first weekend in forever that I didn’t go anywhere or do anything. I died a little, I think. #
  • 22:41 Shit, I forgot I had one of these: Ask me anything formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
  • 22:52 Q:If you could change one thing that happe… A:There was someone I gave a 178635th chan… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/137433457 #
  • 23:38 Again, I’m so glad sexting wasn’t around when I was in high school. I got in enough trouble as it was. #
  • ***
  • 12:30 I feel like doing some math problems today. #
  • 12:33 Q:Is there going to be a Riley 2.0? A:No!!! Those 9 months were some of the darkest of my… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/139081816 #
  • 14:45 I can’t even. RT @AltPress BREAKING NEWS–New Chiodos frontman revealed: altpress.com/news/chiodosnewsinger.htm #
  • 15:34 Ugh. RT @MikeSheaAP The Day the Flood Gates Broke: Yes,….Craig Owens to be signing to Pete’s Decaydance, Managed thru Crush Management. #
  • 15:36 Today is a really shitty day for music news. I blame Alex Ovechkin, snow, and Miley Cyrus’s man voice. #
  • 15:56 I start my new job tmw & apparently I still have the work-at-home data entry job. So I guess I have 2 jobs now. Workaholic, they call me. #
  • 15:57 Which means soon I’ll be an alcoholic too. #
  • 19:43 My son just deemed that there will be “no valentines for mommy!!” Take note, secret admirers. :( #
  • 21:35 I don’t know why I’m watching this hockey game. It’s not like I need affirmation that the #flyers are dirty cocksuckers. #
  • ***
  • 00:01 Q:why were there so many damn “Guys in the… A:This question made me laugh!I actually w… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/142739707 #
  • 07:37 Today should be my first day of work but Father Henry doesn’t trust my driving-in-snow skills and is making me call off. HE should call. #
  • 11:00 Had the brilliant idea of taking a family walk through the snowtrails to the post office. Henry is so irritated but Chooch & I had fun. #
  • 11:23 Gave Chooch a lesson in yellow snow. “This is the stuff you want to throw at daddy, then promptly pitch yr gloves in the nearest trashcan.” #
  • 12:18 Googling “Jonny Craig is a dick” brings a lot of traffic to my blog. Thanks for being a douche to me, Jonny Craig! You spike my stats! #
  • 15:13 don’t remember ever writing this, wtf: “I’ve clearly been fucked w/ the Downs dildo somewhere along the cobblestone road to the whorehouse” #
  • 16:48 Chooch deemed Taylor Dane “stupid” but that was b4 I showed him an entire dance party can be built around her husky voice & frosted locks. #
  • 17:33 I miss my Vans that were embellished with Chinese newspaper. Made me feel cultured. #
  • 18:03 Thanks, postal service, for adding a lost package to the list. Because I didn’t have enough to worry about. #
  • 18:53 Justin Bieber’s puking on Silent Library inspired Henry to cheer, “Good for him, the little fuck.” Strong words about a 15-year-old. #
  • 19:33 Silent Library: it’s why God gave men nipples. #
  • 19:51 There are 6 plows in the parking lot across from my house right now. Maybe I can actually start my job tomorrow! #
  • ***
  • 07:48 Henry is being nice to me. That’s newsworthy! #
  • 12:46 Q:Do you hav e any scars on your body? If … A:Chicken pock scar on my cheek (the face … formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/149394943 #
  • 12:49 Apparently, I’d make a GREAT candidate for the US Army. Glad they noticed. #
  • 13:06 Could host quite the perfect murder party ’round here. yfrog.com/3nm00j #
  • 13:13 Chooch put on some country music video channel & I can’t find the remote. Now I’ll be writing country songs all day about being snowed in. #
  • 13:40 Chooch is getting his first taste of “The Gate.” My bro Ryan & I used to watch the shit out of this. “You’ve been BAD!” #
  • 15:59 I just walked in aimless circles around my house. This snow is finally breaking me. I want to GO SOMEWHERE. #
  • 16:22 Chooch enjoys beating himself in the head with Henry’s hand, while yelling “you bastard!” It’s mesmerizing. #
  • 17:48 Henry coughed, inspiring Chooch to exclaim, “Are you OK?!” Henry was taken aback, as he’s not used to anyone caring about him. HAHA. #
  • 17:52 If Getslaf’s injury doesnt heal, Jeff Carter could be his replacement for the Olympics? Thumbs down. #nhl #olympics #
  • 17:52 Getzlaf, even. #
  • 20:48 KUNITZ! #letsgopens #
  • 21:46 The Shut Out gods have something against Fleury. #pens #NHL #
  • 22:02 Good job #pens! It’s good to hear Kunitz’s name again! #
  • 23:02 The Capitals disgusting win streak was finally snuffed, at the hands of the Habs no less! Go #Habs! #
  • ***
  • 06:59 Just threw my first official I Dont Want to Go to Work tantrum. Ok, second. #
  • 07:04 Henry said “welcome to the world” as he shoved me out the door. Wah. #
  • 07:20 Well. If I wasn’t awake before, Of Mice and Men’s “Poker Face” cover sure did the deed. #
  • 08:16 I am WAY overdressed. As usual. #
  • 08:25 Got a tour of the facilities by a pleasant smoker-voiced broad in a 1980s sweater who kept coughing in my general direction. Makin g friends! #
  • 08:36 I hate signing off on something that prohibits me from making uwanted sexual advances. The world is so unfair. #
  • 12:22 My supervisor says “literally” every other sentence. Literally. And he pronounces “us” like “uzzz.” I like him. He swears. #
  • 16:35 Hopefully I get the memo the next time it’s 80s Day at my new place of work. #
  • 18:31 Just had the good fortune of playing my favorite word on Words With Friends . “Broads,” holla! #
  • 19:34 Instead of saying “I’m so cold,” Chooch said, “I’m cold so bad.” And then, “Daddy turned the heat off like a retard.” Oy. #
  • 19:34 Dude. I NEVER say “oy.” #
  • 20:23 Fisting ramen, watching Ashley be a throaty-voiced drama queen on Real World. yfrog.com/32eosj #
  • ***
  • 07:40 I hope when I see them in Cleveland next weekend, @wearetheused play “On the Cross.” I’ll cry! #
  • 08:11 just sought out the lady who gave me a tour yesterday &, w/ batting lashes, asked her to get me later so I won’t have to eat lunch alone. #
  • 08:12 She thought it was funny and I exclaimed, “Being new is awkward!” I think she thought i was being dramatic. Not me. Never. #
  • 10:09 I just downed a 5 Hour Energy rip off that Henry’s company sells & I’m pretty sure I’m in the throes of cardiac arrest. #
  • 11:18 The upside to today is that I’m wearing a pair of jeans that haven’t fit me in a year. #
  • 15:43 The noises in my house right now make me wish I own a shotgun. #
  • 15:45 Chooch just told Henry that I hit him, he fell down, & then I hit him again?!?! But he left out the part where I burnt him with a lighter! #
  • 19:33 MAMA’S TRYING TO WATCH THIS HOCKEY GAME STFU. #pens #
  • 21:32 Jesus Christ, I love Sidney Crosby!i can’t wait to watch him in the Olympics! #letsgopens #
  • 22:34 I need a shot of te stosterone. Or heroine. #
  • 23:07 It seriously starts out with Justin Bieber? Fuck this “We Are the World.” And Miley Cyrus probably doesn’t even know where Haiti is. #
  • ***
  • 00:21 I feel guilty but I want the men’s Canadian hockey team to win gold. #
  • 08:18 Henry is right where he belongs: in the kitchen. #
  • 13:19 Q:Who was the best boss you’ve ever had? A:Kim from MSA was pretty damn fantastic. Any bo… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/166039497 #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

 Posted by at 7:46 pm  Comments Off on tweetployment
Feb 062010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:27 Just turned in a debit card I found on an ATM. I’ll take my karma in cash, gold or unicorns, please. #
  • 16:39 Ottawa Senators need to lose today, please. Perhaps Norbert and his debit card can help make that so. #
  • 17:10 I really wish I was in Canada today. #
  • 18:43 WHAA? RT @BreakingNews Actor ‘Rip’ Torn, 78, is charged with breaking into a Connecticut bank and carrying a loaded gun while intoxicated #
  • 20:12 I don’t think I’ve ever had proper closure to The OC being cancelled. #
  • 23:26 Well. My cross-stitching foray lasted all of two minutes before I freaked out and cried. I’m a disgrace to pioneerwomen. #
  • ***
  • 00:59 Can’t stop thinking about Norbert and his lost debit card. Sure hope they were reunited, and that it felt so good. #
  • 01:18 Barges are disgusting. Fuck all barges. Next time I see one, I’m puking at it. FUCK. I am so angry over barges right now. #
  • 09:44 Chooch: Who are those girls? Me: Poison. #
  • 11:05 On my way to pick up #Pens tickets, began spontaneously crying to Open:Hand. #
  • 11:06 It appears @saucalisha and I have a date at Mellon Arena! yfrog.com/35fdrqj #
  • 12:58 Dear @awoodhick, Chooch & I want grilled cheese. I asked you in front of your Twitter friends so if you say no you’ll look like an asshole. #
  • 13:41 If I were a religious person, I’d swear my son has the devil in him. #
  • 13:58 Yeah, would ya just look at how “overrated” Sidney Crosby is? #letsgopens !! #
  • 14:25 Omg this game. THIS GAME!! #letsgopens #
  • 14:38 Fleury just can’t get that shutout. #
  • 15:08 This is a kneel-in-front-of-the-TV, screaming type of hockey game. #
  • 15:11 CROSBY! MALKIN! FLEURY! #
  • 17:32 I always feel guilty sort of when I get tweet-happy during hockey games, knowing 90% of Twitter is like “Get a life.” #
  • 18:34 9 years later and Henry still shows not an ounce of compassion for my panic attacks/anxiety. Just walked home in 10degrees & he was whatev. #
  • 23:29 Henry’s watching Paramore Unplugged while toiling over a lot of serial killer cards. Someone bought 17! #
  • 23:34 <3 Frank Turner RT @fthc I am actually fucking disgusted. The definition of punk? The opposite of a Green Day musical. Total fucking shit #
  • ***
  • 14:46 I guess next time b4 accusing Henry of not paying the electric bill, I should check the fuse box 1st. Chooch & I lived like Amish for 1 hr. #
  • 15:20 I love the shock of finding FB profiles of various hoodlums I’ve had to call the cops on during my party days & seeing they have KIDS now. #
  • 15:57 Being scalped by Miley Cyrus. #worstfeelingever #
  • 15:57 Scalping Miley Cyrus. #bestfeelingever #
  • 17:23 Alisha just tried to get me in trouble with a Radio Shack employee and he admitted that I look guilty. Wha???? #
  • 20:44 Cr osby is amazing. And no, I didn’t throw my complimentary #Pens totebag on the ice. I like it! #
  • 22:01 #Pens score 47 seconds in and Alisha missed it. LOLSIES. #
  • ***
  • 08:34 Hockey hangover and sore throat. I predict I will be quiet today. #
  • 15:38 Why do I have to be cute as a button? Why not a cupcake? Or a grenande? #
  • 16:10 Grenande is how you spell grenade when you’re sick. Don’t be dumb. #
  • 18:30 I need a nurse. Henry is failing. #
  • 18:44 Apparently Henry has a secret collection of change in his dresser which CHOOCH knew abt but not me. SECRETS! So many secrets in this house. #
  • 19:06 I’m hardpressed to find anything funnier than scene kids puking on Silent Library. Ever so thankful for a second season. #
  • 20:41 2 nongermane thoughts: I should learn to stop exercising while sick; all hockey announcing should be in French. #
  • 21:18 Really wish I was more excited about Lost. Maybe if there wasn’t the equivalent to what seems like 2 TV seasons between finale & premiere. #
  • ***
  • 11:41 I have an interview today for a job that will hopefully last longer than two weeks. #
  • 12:42 Trying to teach The Attitude to say “Mother may I?” He goes, “Mother may I have cheese?” but then negates it by yelling, “Go! Do it!” #
  • 14:38 I hope I remember how to speak appropriately at this interview. And that I don’t get another false postive on a drug test. #
  • 16:03 Ok, so take 2 on this “employment” thingaling, starting Tuesday. Hope it lasts more than 2 weeks this time. Or maybe not? #
  • 16:26 When I ask for something deliciously outrageous for dinner, I at least expect a response, @awoodhick. #
  • 18:20 Suggested that Henry work 2 jobs & I’ll stay home, make stuff & look cute. He reminded me we already tried that. Oh right = The Dark Days. #
  • 18:44 I really want to start wearing veils everyday for no reason other than it w ill make me look saintly & inspire paupers to kiss my hand. #
  • 18:45 Then I’ll just need to move somewhere where paupers are handsome like in fairy tales & not urine-soaked bridge dwellers. #
  • 19:07 Or am I thinking of paupers I’ve seen in porn…? And where are the veil shops in Pittsburgh? Near the haberdashery? Questions, plaguing. #
  • 20:26 Henry’s being such a priss about his guest blogging spot & I’m like what’s the big deal? Only 5 ppl are going to read it! #
  • 22:03 If I wish any harder for Ashley to leave The Real World, I might get a nose bleed. #
  • 22:0 7 RT @PensDay_Chatter RT @pens_bella_17: #ScuderiforUSA #ScuderiforUSA #ScuderiforUSA #ScuderiforUSA #ScuderiforUSA #ScuderiforUSA #
  • 23:15 If I were a dude, I’d have no qualms whatsoever about punching Real World Ashley in her fucking mouth. Go overreact in private, you bitch. #
  • ***
  • 10:00 Chooch told me to stop mocking him. I have flimsy mothering skills but A+ torturous older sibling tactics. #
  • 13:24 Words With Friends will accept Chimla, yet there have been actual dictio nary words it’s rejected. I’ll never understand. #
  • 13:48 Watching Lady in White with Chooch. That was one of my favorite movies as a kid but Chooch isn’t very interested. No vampires. No Jason. #
  • 14:57 To Chooch, it’s the Pizza Magazine. Not the Pennysaver. Don’t ever call it the Pennysaver. #
  • 15:01 If anyone tried to kill my kid, I’d have no problem watching them fall off a cliff. No matter who it was. #
  • 17:21 In @mrsevils’ dream, she came to a slumber party at my house where @saucalisha kept calli ng me The General. This needs to happen. Both parts #
  • 21:24 I & turning it down for something. #
  • 21:27 I’m eating crudités & drinking wine while discussing the Kovalchuk trade with Henry. #themoreyouknow #
  • ***
  • 11:43 Two things I don’t care about: The upcoming snow storm and football. I really don’t belong in this city. #
  • 11:47 2 things that validate me: steady consignment payments & repeat customers. Maybe my art doesn’t suck as much as I thought. Still poor tho. #
  • 11:53 Well. At least Chooch now quickly follows his “motherfucker”s with a &quo t;sorry!” #
  • 13:12 The Kovalchuk trade actually made it into my dream last night. Clearly my life needs more action. #
  • 14:32 Good afternoon! I’m walking through a snowstorm to the post office. With wet hair. I’m a smarteeeeeee! #
  • 14:46 Got schooled by some old man when I almost fell while attempting to walk too fast on the snowy sidewalk. #
  • 15:54 The Warped Tour iPhone app is fantastic. I’m going to use the shit out of it. (OMG I can’t wait for Warped!) #
  • 16:56 I wonder what it will be like when @awoodhick sleeps to death. #
  • 17:03 It’s inspiring that a writer as shitty as Nicolas Sparks can get his books made into blockbuster movies. #
  • 17:06 Th anks for the #ff lovin’, my #EDT pals! #
  • 18:25 The Dipthongs original painting on 6×6 tile by somnambulant bit.ly/atsLDy #
  • 20:24 I’ll never let Henry cut Chooch’s hair again. He’s graduated from cancer kid to a baby Rue McClanahan. #
  • 22:11 Tall sit-ups are my jam. #
  • 22:14 The #Capitals must have read “The Secret.” #NHL #
  • 23:11 I just stepped onto my front porch without thinking, like the asshole I am, and wound up with snow halfway to my knee. #
  • 23:19 And for the second time today I’m reminded, way after the fact, that I have snow boots. #
  • ***
  • 01:01 :( RT @nhllive Condolences to Brian Burke on the loss of his son Brendan. All our th oughts and prayers are with Brian and his family. #
  • 08:44 I’m going to dive off my porch into the snow, enjoy it for 10-20 seconds, & then promptly return to hating snow’s guts. #
  • 08:54 Although, with my neighborhood, there’s always that chance of diving onto a hypodermic needle. #
  • 10:31 About to snow dive like it’s an Olympic sport, ya’ll. Here’s hoping I don’t impale myself on any urban weaponry. #
  • 10:57 Henry is trying so hard to shovel & I keep cannonballing into the yard, sending snow flying back onto the sidewalk. He is PISSED. #
  • 10:58 Fucking asshole motherfucking ass raping snow shit. yfrog.com/au32825693j #
  • 10:59 Our Chooch got stranded. We let him sweat it out a little before swimming over to him. yfrog.com/3n1dygj #
  • 11:11 Chooch is trying to run from a Kleenex-brandishing Henry but he’s limited considering its a real life Dig Dug out there. Now he’s trapped. #
  • 12:49 I’m officially a member of the Monster Etsy Street Team, yay! monsteretsy.blogspot.com/ #
  • 13:16 WTF is going on w/ #wordswithfriends. There is nothing to do today! & some retard is trying to ride a bike past my house in all this snow. #
  • 13:22 Paul Coffey is still so hot. #pens #
  • 14:02 Someone ne eds to make me mayor because I’ve got some fucking ideas that need implemented. #
  • 14:03 Go FSN! We didn’t want to watch the #pens game today anyway. #
  • 14:19 That was bullshit. Fleury was fucking bulldozed. Awesome revenge goal by Dupuis! #letsgopens #
  • 14:22 18:51 and the #pens #habs game is already tied at 1. Weird start. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Jan 302010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:38 Immediately he has no less than 3 large sticks every time we come to the cem. yfrog.com/1dvlvkj #
  • 18:59 Walked in on Chooch wearing my strawberry kneehighs & polkadot shoes, & otherwise completely nude. #
  • 19:01 @vagynafondue #failedtwitternames
  • 23:56 I wish my job was cheese. #
  • ***
  • 12:48 Amid all the Lets Go Flyers chants and the sea of orange, Alisha asks, “Where are the Pens playing?” #
  • 15:01 #Pens!!!!! Fuck the Cryers!! #
  • 15:06 That is a true Testament to Johnson’s worth to the #pens. Excellent game!! #
  • 20:09 Someone with the same name as me found my blog & I think accused me of writing about their life. Fuck, the jig is up, I guess. #
  • ***
  • 00:21 Alisha said the paintball Bud Light commercial reminds her of me & I can see that. Makes me want to play paintball… & fly a helicopter. #
  • 13:05 Today I learned the difference between a true NHL fan & a #Pens fan is that one knows Crosby is overrated. Orly? Thx 4 the knowledge. #
  • 15:26 I got my first paycheck today which makes me think that maybe this job really isn’t a scam! #
  • 19:07 Proceeding with my #pens game-watching ritual: pouring a big motherwhomping glass of The Wine. Let’s go Pens! Make mama into a happy drunk! #
  • 21:17 There are a bunch of JACKED OFF people at Madison Square Garden right now. Go #pens! #
  • ***
  • 11:17 I’m not sure how to react at being called a hootchie by a three year old. #
  • 15:53 I feel like the only way Im getting into Heaven is if I’m hired as God’s personal ass wiper. #
  • 20:29 I just heard Chooch congratulate Henry for not peeing on the floor. #
  • 21:10 It never fails that as soon as i sit down to work, it’s all WIPE MY BUTT MOMMY! Or intense crying from a phantom injury. Spectacular! #
  • 22:33 Oh shit, I swore Henry had the Miami Vice theme as his ringtone for me, but it turned out to be some lame calypso-flava’d midi. #
  • ***
  • 00:55 OMG Henry just called my stuff STUPID. #
  • 01:11 Lookit, it’s Marcy! I was just told to go to bed because I’m too FUN for Henry to compute (see also: manic) yfrog.com/35f7zbj #
  • 09:34 Little boys must attend lectures in the womb on how to evade baths. Chooch, once captured, acts like he’s being dunked into a vat of acid. #
  • 11:04 I’ll be out back practicing some new laughs & warming my hands over a pile of burning bod—-….garbage, if anyone needs me. #
  • 14:33 Usually when I write in my blog, I hear myself in my head speaking it aloud, typically in Dutch and/or cartoon accents. #
  • 15:45 Oh to be rich and have a nanny. I thought that’s what Henry was, but I was wrong I guess. #
  • 15:46 Maybe when I finally get my one-person cottage in the Black Forest, this work at home thing will be more doable. #
  • 19:38 Chooch saw me hug Henry & yelled, “Why you hugging him? I thought you hate him!” I LOLd all over town. #
  • 21:10 WHAT. It’s 9:00 and I haven’t had any wine yet? #
  • 22:15 Eye Alaska is on The Real World. WTF. #
  • 22:30 I think I was just likened to an obnoxious, vulgar teenaged boy. That’s better than most impressions. #
  • 22:49 This season doesn’t hold my attention. I’ve been whiddling cleft palates out of string cheese this whole time. #
  • 22:51 Also, I might be the only person who doesn’t know, nor care, what the fuck is an iPad. But I know spe llcheck wants it to be uPas. #
  • ***
  • 00:51 Hay look @ the dumb! Wendy 1999: Really, no one flinched when I told them I was going on a date with a lesbian. Su… bit.ly/9j0llG #
  • 09:02 If it weren’t for the squeaking of shoes on the court making me want to kill a small village, I’d probably love basketball. #
  • 10:47 Tried telling Chooch that we don’t get along anymore because he won’t cuddle with me. He punched me in the face. Guess he disagrees. #
  • 11:08 WTF is with today & backhanded compliments? It’s like the universe knows when I’m feeling too positive and sics the negative pricks on me. #
  • 11:17 Again, I would like to express my extreme jealousy of those who have parents on which to dump their children. #
  • 12:55 Google search term that found my blog: “my busty mom came nude to my friends and” AND WHAT?? I need to know. #
  • 15:04 Welp. Chooch finally discovered the joy of petting pets. Can’t believe it took this long. yfrog.com/3l52401091j #
  • 15:46 That last tweet should have said “painting” pets. Mama needs a nice nap. Preferrably on a beach. #
  • 19:22 Would be nice to see the #pens spoil the #sens winning streak. And then maybe Henry can guest blog about it! #
  • 19:28 We need the number to Nanny 911. Though I suppose regular old 911 might be appropos by the time this night is over. #
  • 19:29 Unless my neighbors dial it first. #
  • 23:00 I can’t look at Jamie Lee Curtis without thinking about how perfect her shits must be. #
  • ***
  • 00:20 I’m so glad Mia Caruthers is back on my TV. Maybe when I’m a grownup, I’ll trade in MTV for CNN. Or Oxygen. Haha, no I won’t even… #
  • 00:38 There aren’t enough pictures of my tits on the Internet. #
  • 08:53 Chooch and I are thoroughly spoiled by @mrsevils! And we thank her for it! (As Chooch devours an entire box of Hobo bubblegum cigarettes.) #
  • 08:59 Zombie hand ring by @mrsevils! yfrog.com/4im66ekj #
  • 09:04 Chooch won’t let me take a picture of him with a bubblegum cigarette because “people will be so pissed.” (And yes, that’s his breakfast.) #
  • 10:00 I know #etsy must really be my full time job when I start stressing every time I get a convo. #
  • 10:31 Chooch asked for pancakes. I told him he’ll be sorry. #
  • 10:39 God I’m good. Just smashed down on one and batter splooged out. yfrog.com/3n3jjwj #
  • 10:46 I’m trying to d esmoke the kitchen while Chooch bitches “these aren’t pancakes.” #
  • 10:57 I found the will to make edible pancakes and he accidentally dropped them on the floor. I wasn’t meant to be a mom, everyone was right. #
  • 11:14 Pancakes: banned from my house. The mere WORD “pancakes” will come in tandem w/ a fine for anyone who even dares to utter the 2 syllables #
  • 12:19 Afterlife Love 6×6 repurposed tile by somnambulant on Etsy bit.ly/9Ish8g #
  • 16:16 I don’t know if I should wave the white flag or hang myself with it. #
  • 17:41 You’d have thought it was the constable, had you heard the urgent knocking on my front door just now. #
  • 21:19 Valentine Ghosts 4×4 wooden block painting by somnambulant on Etsy bit.ly/b03ShD #
  • 21:32 Henry telling me he was like Chooch when he was that age is NOT reassuring. #
  • ***
  • 10:17 I was telling Henry what I considered funny high school memories but he frowned and shook his head sadly. #
  • 10:48 I just scored tickets to the #pens game for Monday. Trying to remain calm. #
  • 12:21 Alisha is making me sit w/ her at H&R Block while she gets her taxes done. Riveting. Totally went to HS w/ her “tax specialist.” Awesome. #
  • 12:22 I can’t believe Alisha isn’t claiming me as a dependent. #
  • 12:57 Hay look @ the dumb! That’s How You’d Knock a Block Off, I Imagine: With Henry and Chooch off at the store, I thou… bit.ly/dqFgpf #
  • 13:07 Right on the nose. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Jan 232010
 

 Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 16:39 I’m elbow-deep in a mix CD for Alisha and it feels nice and cleansing. Making mixes is one of my favorite things to do. #
  • 18:48 Sitting in Taco Bell while Alisha writes a verbal thesis on drapes. #
  • 19:57 I was going to say that I might be the worst wii player ever but then remembered that Alisha is playing too. #
  • 21:01 Me: I hate this game because I can’t cheat. Alisha: I LOVE this game because you can’t cheat. #
  • 21:40 I love Canada. #
  • 23:12 Fleury!! Way to not take that shit! I love it when goalies get scrappy. #pens #
  • 23:51 PENGUINS! I’m so worked up, there’s no way I’ll be able to sleep after the game ends. I love these late games. #Pens #
  • ***
  • 10:24 I am an entire floor and two rooms away from the radio in my bedroom, but there’s no mistaking the distinctive intro to Whitetown. Holla. #
  • 11:44 Succeeded in offending someone, as usual, on Facebook. You’d think after 10+ years some ppl wouldn’t bat an eyelash at my antics anymore. #
  • 12:37 I want to give Callie from The Real World a big fat hug. #
  • 14:10 The only way I can please everyone is by hiding who I really am and that’s just lame. Not doing that, no apologies. Fake people are dumb. #
  • 14:24 Dear Twitter god, plz pray that the job training I’m going to tomorrow isn’t too good to be true. #
  • ***
  • 14:21 Well. I apparentally have a job-thing. #
  • 14:27 And the first thing I thought was: Now I can donate to Haiti! #
  • 15:16 Someone should come take my son for a few years. Hours, I mean hours. #
  • 18:25 The first thing I do in the morning is say fuck that shit. #
  • 19:55 It’s stupid how much I like data entry. It must be all that missing responsibility attached to it. #
  • 22:13 Would have been amazing to see a Fleury/Luongo matchup but we have faith in you, Curry! #pens #
  • 23:02 If I could maybe convince Henry that all these years his citizenship has been a farce, then will he marry me? I wonder. #
  • 23:13 Omg this goalie sitch would be funny if it wasn’t happening to a team I love. Bring in the 19 year old! #
  • 23:26 “Boo the #Pens got a goal, now they’re only 45 goals behind us!” STFU Vancouver. & Luongo, I like u but not when ur imitating my 3yo. #NHL #
  • 23:58 No one in the training session today thought to ask how much we’re getting paid. It can’t be any less than what I’m already making. #
  • 23:59 Which is, you know – NOTHING. #
  • ***
  • 00:45 I hate it when girls are on Silent Library. There – one more thing for the book you’re not writing about Erin R. Kelly. #
  • 10:47 I love how Henry forces me to get a job and then bitches when he has to do things around the house now. Asshole. #
  • 10:48 To be more specific, I asked him to FEED THE CATS OMG! But he’s watching TV! Oh noes! #
  • 11:03 “Love Will Tear Us Apart” will always remind me of my Canadian mistake. #
  • 15:37 My blog stats have been spiking lately, which makes me believe I’m about to get in trouble for something. It’s not easy being this paranoid. #
  • 16:16 At Alisha’s. Evonne brought her Psychic Circle and has invited us to join a coven. I could use some witchiness in my life. Stfu Henry. #
  • 18:21 Just spent the last hour being ganged up on and given a deadline for a book outline. I’m scared! And tired. Very tired. #
  • 21:42 And that’s the LAST time I offer up my phone so the cat can call her father. #
  • ***
  • 01:15 I’m really into stripes. But not Westerns. #
  • 10:24 The plea for someone to take my kid is still on the table. There might be blood on that table now too, though. #
  • 11:42 a nice girl found me interesting eno ugh to feature on a website. you should check it out! awholelotofwhatever.com/?p=688 #
  • 14:50 I almost forgot what panic attacks felt like. Welcome back to my overwhelming world, old nemesis. #
  • 19:13 I’m working until the new iCarly comes on, and that’s IT. #
  • 19:51 I miss miscegenation. #
  • 21:18 So far, I have decided that I want my book to be “large.” And I wrote my name in the notebook I’m using for the outline. Exhausting day. #
  • 22:43 Good old Further Seems Forever. #
  • ***
  • 00:03 Dictionary.com tells me “glutes” is a word, so get choked, #wordswithfriends. #
  • 09:41 Seeing Kara & her cute baby, I had a fleeting desire to have another kid. Then I took a good hard look @ Chooch & changed my mind. Quickly. #
  • 11:29 Chooch wanted me to make him a grilled cheese. I whimpered through the whole process. #
  • 14:56 I just found the perfect wedding invitations. So whenever you’re ready, @awoodhick. You asshole. #
  • 15:27 Today, I miss Elliott Smith. #
  • 20:39 Brent Johnson is the MAN. #pens #NHL #
  • 20:47 How The #Pens Got Their Power Play Back. #
  • 21:00 It’s hard, even for me, having conversations with someone who’s ignoring you. #
  • 22:13 Hat trick for Malkin; 6 point night for Crosby. When the #Pens are on, they’re ON. #
  • ***
  • 11:38 Chooch is getting his first taste of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. #
  • 13:45 I think I need to take a seminar in productivity. #
  • 16:33 About to meet my older sister for the first time omg. #
  • 20:15 Meeting my sister was surreal yet awesome. We have much in common & I’m excited to learn more. Thanks to all who wished me luck! #
  • ***
  • 00:32 Joss Stone is my own personal chalkboard scratcher. #
  • 11:07 Just walked in on Chooch struggling to put on one of my camisoles. #
  • 11:12 #pens / #caps game tonight. Feels like Christmas! I love Ovechkin, but tonight the “Obitchkin” nickname reappears. #NHL #
  • 11:15 This is the stuff that should get people interested in NHL & maybe forget football for a second: www.nhl.com/ice/news.htm?id=513677 #
  • 12:18 I’m trying to work while the obnoxious sounds of the Fresh Beat Band quickly kills my sanity. #
  • 13:05 ALISHA JUST ADMITTED SHE MISSES ME. Hello, diary entry! #
  • 17:49 I can’t eat with Alisha watching me ugh! #
  • 19:49 I feel like I’m watching a playoff game. Even Alisha was like “hey I want to be like my idol Erin & watch the #pens game tonight!” #NHL #
  • 20:51 Thank you, Threeormore!! #pens #caps #
  • 23:54 Oh, Conan. #
  • ***
  • 09:45 When Chooch says, “I have something really important to tell you”, I flinch. #
  • 10:19 I love that today’s Urban Dictionary word is “Leno giver”. #
  • 10:31 Chooch wants you to please stop calling it Raisin Bran, for Christ’s sake. Everyone knows it’s Raisin Brains. FUCK. #
  • 12:21 Anything from the freezer that requires heating in the oven will be retold later as “When I was slaving in the kitchen….” #
  • 13:51 I am for real trying to do way too much with my days; you’d think my life was just given an expiration date . #
  • 15:01 I find that listening to the Flashbeagle soundtrack while working really ups productivity. #
  • 16:07 Henry’s ringtone is so intense, it makes me clench and expect Jean Claude Van Damme to dive thru my window, with explosions in his wake. #
  • 20:36 Alisha and I are pretending to be Pitt students at the Pitt/Duquesne hockey game. #
  • 20:41 Yeah go Pitt! i need to find a player to latch onto. yfrog.com/35uebdj #
  • 21:12 Alisha just thought Pitt got a penalty for splashing and I’m like, “Yes exactly.” #
  • 21:40 Alisha and I shared a sink in the restroom. Now we are BEST FRIENDS. #
  • 22:32 Alisha just said, “it’s safe to say that I don’t have any other friends who would say the things you say.” good/bad? #
  • 22:46 I hate #19 Urso for no reason other than he’s short. A short prick. Fuck off, Duquesne. #
  • 23:12 Yay Pitt! Why do I care?? yfrog.com/1yzasdj #
  • 02:22 Watched The Tonight Show twice and cried both times like Conan is dying or something. I hate when I project my emotions! Unbecoming. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Jan 162010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 09:36 Having my ass handed to me on Words With Friends, but totally OK with it since it’s by Nic Newsham. #
  • 14:11 Fuck you, Chutes and Ladders. #
  • 14:55 Henry’s taking down the tree. I’m pretending to be sad but really I’m just happy to have an unobstructed view of the TV again. #
  • 18:29 How come I’m the one who’s sick, but Henry is the one who gets to do all the resting. Something is very wrong here. I want a divorce. #
  • 18:35 RT @BreakingNews France proposes law banning ‘psychological violence,’ which would make insulting one’s spouse a crime – BBC / I’d be fucked #
  • ***
  • 11:48 Sometimes I wonder when my unborn baby is going to start haunting me. I could use some grey hairs. #
  • 14:53 Chomping at the bit. yfrog.com/3lw0evj #
  • 17:46 Dear @awoodhick, your son and I are wasting away to nothing down here. Please feed our faces on the ASAP. #
  • 19:14 Let’s go Pens. Please? Let’s go. #
  • 19:19 I was not ready for that pizza. Hopefully I’ll have dropped a dress size or two by the time this mysterious illness says goodbye. #
  • 21:06 Sometimes I expect to look over and see Chooch making devil eyes while feasting upon a dead bird. #
  • 21:37 OK, Luca Caputi totally just made me cry. That was a thing of beauty. GO PENS!!! #nhl #pens #
  • 21:58 God damn, that was a good hockey game. Thank you, Penguins! #
  • 22:43 Holy shit, the USA hockey team just won the World Juniors, only the second American team to do it. #
  • ***
  • 15:57 Chooch has to be lured in from the snowscape with cookies. #
  • 16:37 Do you remember me, outdoors? It’s been 7 days. But I’m back, bitch. #
  • 23:58 I like when Henry gets scared I’m going to leave him & suddenly starts cuddling with me. Makes me laugh. #
  • ***
  • 17:02 Me: Chooch, put a shirt on. Him: I can’t! Because I’m a nudist! #
  • 19:34 Sure, kid, you can wear that outside to play in the snow. yfrog.com/1euhtj #
  • 19:41 Intensity is Penguins vs Flyers. #NHL #
  • 21:05 Penguins, I love you guys but that was totally a goal. Good “save,” Johnson. Wink wink. #
  • 21:49 Hockey heartattack. #pens #NHL #
  • ***
  • 08:50 Thanks to the local people who are buying my stuff at Wildcard! These consignment payments are so unexpected and pleasing. #
  • 17:09 Henry just admitted outloud that he relates to Jersey Shore’s Ronnie. Maybe he’ll FINALLY start wearing shirts with sequined decals. #
  • 19:25 Post-workout finds me peeling Christmas tinsel off my sweaty body. It’s really as glamorous as it sounds, 100% Lady Gaga-approved. #
  • 19:42 I hope to at some point get to see @thefelixculpa in 2010. “No.5 With a Bullet” was/is a mix cd staple. #
  • 21:40 I forgot bassoons existed. Maybe it’s a sign I should learn to play one. #
  • ***
  • 10:39 It’s ridiculous the things that make me nervous. Like: not having a slip cover on the couch because Chooch spilled hot chocolate on it. #
  • 10:40 Henry leaving the Saran wrap out. #thingsthatmakemenervous #
  • 10:40 Driving past water towers. #thingsthatmakemenervous #
  • 14:57 Chooch drew this at the laudromat. No comment. yfrog.com/1ekglhj #
  • 16:34 Frozen rivers. #thingsthatmakemenervous&disgusted #
  • 19:30 I love wine and goals by Billy Guerin that are not made by distinct kicking motions. #pens #NHL #
  • 20:12 I’ve eaten so little lately that one glass of wine has me tottering. Suddenly Henry is a predator. #
  • 20:44 This hockey game is bananas! Chooch’s dad Gonchar got a goal upon review and all of Toronto is booing but I’m cheering. #
  • 21:15 The #penguins not blowing this lead would be like the dropped benzo tab in my Saturday nite wine glass. That is to say: illegally awesome. #
  • 21:17 I guess Crosby heard me unabashedly screaming “be a hero!” #NHL #pens #
  • 21:48 Penguins, you made mama’s night!! I’m so energenic right now it’s ridic. I might go looking for a fight…down at the bingo hall. #NHL #pens #
  • ***
  • 12:08 Skating party today! I’m so excited it’s stupid! #
  • 13:43 Yeah boyzz. yfrog.com/3go8mgj #
  • 14:03 Omg couple skate! I wonder if Henry will skate with me??????? #
  • 14:08 I had hoped henry would have proposed to me during couple skate. Wishful thinking!!!! #
  • 14:24 Stacey raised the roof and promptly fell on her back. #
  • 14:39 Go Choochie go! yfrog.com/aujk8qj #
  • 15:06 Skating to Gaga is infinite happiness. I am so overheated but give me more!!!! #
  • 15:11 Some ppl are in a skating coma yfrog.com/33sfhj #
  • 17:18 This has been such a rad day. & now my bro is coming over to watch horror movies b4 departing for the land of The Cure & Strongbow. #
  • 20:27 Janna had a hard time reading Fearnet synopses so Corey told her to sound it out. Maybe it’s the wine but I can’t stop laughing. #
  • 20:29 Corey and I stopped listening after the second one so Chooch chose The Devils Chair for us. #
  • ***
  • 01:02 I love it when Janna tells stories. Her hand motions! They’re special. #
  • 02:18 I’m going to miss my brother. :( #
  • 13:58 Kiss them for me, I don’t want to be diseased. #
  • 17:33 I have a dire need to go sledriding on the asap. #
  • 19:42 Blake gifted Chooch with the mini version of his slippers. Chooch thinks he’s the shit now. yfrog.com/auqtqxj #
  • 20:53 If I ever get amnesia, I want the first info told to me to be: “You don’t like cream soda.” Yes, even before my name. #
  • 21:20 Henry’s trying to teach me about cold air returns. I stopped listening so long ago. #
  • 21:25 If the #Pens had the same power play skillz as they did during the playoffs, this game should be 6-3 right now. #
  • 22:02 EATON!!! He was due for a goal. Go Pens! #
  • ***
  • 14:45 I might be a little afraid of the house today. #
  • 23:03 Watching Chooch interact w/ a 19mo boy was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in awhile. Especially when a toy was chucked at his head. #
  • 23:04 Remember when I hated Cheezits? God, I was so naive. #
  • ***
  • 10:09 Morning highlight: Spying Dip (of famed aquatic frog duo Chip and Dip) chew his food pellet. #
  • 10:34 There is a strong possibility that sledriding is in my future. And a good probability of a head contusion. #
  • 12:12 There have been times when I’ve honestly been unable to decipher Blue’s Clues. Once, it was a fire boat & I was like “Those exist??” #
  • 15:15 Still mildly obsessed. yfrog.com/3nks1zj #
  • 15:16 Yes Chooch, let’s sledride down that cliff. What an ingenius idea. #
  • 16:07 Hoooooo lawd I forgot how exhilerating sledriding is. Chooch complained the entire time. #
  • 17:26 There’s a direct correlation btwn the condition of my complexion & how well the #Pens are performing. In other words, plz win tonite boys. #
  • 17:44 whaaaat // R.I.P. Jay Reatard: bit.ly/5XGTor via @addthis #
  • 19:12 Supposedly my grandma has been asking for me, because she wants me to break her out of the hospital. Oh, NOW she wants the black sheep. #
  • 21:22 Fingers crossed for you, my #Pens. Try not to let Iginla get ya. #NHL #
  • 21:44 Oh god I’m already watching through my fingers. #pens #flames #
  • 22:03 Slump or not, Sidney Crosby is on fi-yah. If only the #Pens stats reflected that. #NHL #
  • 23:04 That’s a god I’ll pray to // RT @everythingpitt @mike8120: @Brian_Metzer Bring Mike Lange back to TV for the lov e of the Hockey Gods!!!!!! #
  • 23:16 It’s not hello; it’s jello. #
  • ***
  • 00:04 Great game, #pens! But maybe we can bring back Malkin’s parents? #NHL #
  • 09:52 NO MORE PLAYDOH. I can’t even. #
  • 11:35 It’s not ramen; it’s brain noodles. Don’t be ridiculous. #
  • 16:39 I’m elbow-deep in a mix CD for Alisha and it feels nice and cleansing. Making mixes is one of my favorite things to do. #
  • 18:48 Sitting in Taco Bell while Alisha writes a verbal thesis on drapes. #
  • 19:57 I was going to say that I might be the worst wii player ever but then remembered that Alisha is playing too. #
  • 21:01 Me: I hate this game because I can’t cheat. Alisha: I LOVE this game because you can’t cheat. #
  • 21:40 I love Canada. #
  • 23:12 Fleury!! Way to not take that shit! I love it when goalies get scrappy. #pens #
  • 23:51 PENGUINS! I’m so worked up, there’s no way I’ll be able to sleep after the game ends. I love these late games. #Pens #
  • ***
  • 10:24 I am an entire floor and two rooms away from the radio in my bedroom, but there’s no mistaking the distinctive intro to Whitetown. Holla. #
  • 11:44 Succeeded in offending someone, as usual, on Facebook. You’d think after 10+ years some ppl wouldn’t bat an eyelash at my antics anymore. #
  • 12:37 I want to give Callie from The Real World a big fat hug. #
  • 14:10 The only way I can please everyone is by hiding who I really am and that’s just lame. Not doing that, no apologies. Fake people are dumb. #
  • 14:24 Dear Twitter god, plz pray that the job training I’m going to tomorrow isn’t too good to be true. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Jan 032010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:00 Oh it’s not cold out! You don’t need a coat! Go out with wet hair! #
  • 15:11 Omg I’m in a library. #
  • 16:46 Apparently I’m a cheater for throwing down “sartorii” on Words w/ Friends b/c why should a bumpkin like me know that one. Fuck you, Henry. #
  • 14:22 We are all assholes, dumbasses, and jackasses when Chooch is sick, and he hates us all. #
  • 16:00 I love Sundays where things get accomplished. That doesn’t happen often which is why I have a longstanding Sunday hatred. #
  • 19:49 I’m glad Chooch is done throwing up but will be even gladder when he 86s the surly “I’m sick” attitude. Ppl like that are SO ANNOYING. What? #
  • 21:06 Dear Lord, (look at me, all praying & shit) Plz make Chooch better. He’s running out of things ar ound the house to hate. Amen or whatev. #
  • 21:11 Before finally retiring to bed (9 is early, he must be sick), Chooch the Invalid told our cat, “I hate you, Marcy. Go cry, bitch!” #
  • 21:24 I’m glad my ESPN alert just told me the Pens scored 15 seconds before it happened on my TV. I hate being surprised. #
  • 21:25 I guess it would also help if I was watching this live. #
  • ***
  • 13:33 I’ve been on that annoying Getting Sick precipice for the last few days. I wish it’d just happen already so I can stop zombie’ing around. #
  • 18:08 The fact that Henry and I are arguing over who rollerskates better leads me to believe a SKATE-OFF is in order. #
  • 18:41 Hay look @ the dumb! Library: Take Two: After writing about my failed library mission the other day, I realized tha… bit.ly/8iJfST #
  • 19:43 Henry grew balls suddenly; dared defy me while I was holding a hammer. He’s lucky he didn’t LOSE the new sprouts. #
  • 23:54 Just spent the last 10 minutes hysterically laughing, molesting Henry’s suspicions. “You don’t laugh like that unless you did something!” #
  • ***
  • 09:33 I really want to start a horror movie club. No one ever wants to watch any with me. I’m crying! #
  • 18:43 Hay look @ the dumb! Christmas 2009: all that stands out to me is the hair comment: Most of my twenties were spent … bit.ly/77Ps96 #
  • 19:16 Seeing Pens score against Sabres would be much more satisfying if I didn’t like their Ryan Miller so much. Hazards of watching other teams. #
  • 19:46 I cant wait to get my hands on the new Felix Culpa cd. Henry keeps saying something about if I “be a good girl.” He’s such a creepy uncle. #
  • 20:03 If only the Pens could put that much heat on Brodeur. #NHL #
  • 23:32 10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling from @oatmeal #
  • ***
  • 00:04 What? Words With Friends doesn’t recognize “goatse” as an acceptable word? To whom do I address my letter! #
  • 09:28 Chooch, playing with his Batcave, just asked me, “Do you like this cool setup?” right before Batman said “0wellzorz” to Joker. #
  • 13:16 Henry is so livid over yet another shitty experience at Dozen Cupcakes that the spelling in his texts are even scarier than usual. #
  • 14:33 I could never be happy being someone’s second best, knowing they’ll always be thinking of that other person. Makes me appreciate shit. #
  • 15:42 At the cemetery for our rescheduled traditional Xmas picnic. #
  • 18:44 Hay look @ the dumb! TOYS: I’m impressed. Chooch has had his jack in the box for nearly a week and is still playi… bit.ly/5p2bKe #
  • 21:22 Oh wow, the Penguins finally get a power play after 58 minutes of play. How generous of the officials. #
  • 22:17 Why haven’t the new Real World roommates started fighting yet? Where are the homophobes? Why don’t I have an umb rella in my house? #
  • 22:25 I’m glad to see none of these people have superfluous vowels in their names. *Cough* Cancun’s Aaiiiiiyah & Emileeeeee *cough* #
  • ***
  • 00:59 Sour Patch Kids make wonderful post-purging palate cleansers. #
  • 02:23 Oftentimes the cold tile of a bathroom floor is just as comforting as a mother’s embrace. #
  • 09:22 I’m on my deathbed & my cruel, callous 3yo just said, “Oh stop crying, crybaby.” :( #
  • 13:09 Alisha called to say that the Used tickets have been purchased. I’m so happy I could puke except that there’s nothing left in me. #
  • 14:08 #10yearsago I was 20 & inviting people in off the street. #
  • 15:27 I really just need to knock myself out. #
  • 22:33 The only thing I’ve felt safe eating all day was frozen yogurt. Now I want Doritos so Henry ran to get some. Good boyfriend, that Henry. #
  • 23:49 Henry and I are ringing in the new year with achey joints and the cast of The Jersey Shore. I’m not sad about that. #
  • ***
  • 00:02 Oh hahaha Henry is so mad that we missed the ball drop because as usual I had paused the tv at some point. Happy delayed New Year! #
  • 13:02 Winter Classic! Go Bruins! #
  • 13:39 I wish James Taylor always sang the National Anthem. #winterclassic #NHL #
  • 16:15 Oh please Hartnell, bite a Bruin on national TV. #nhlwinterclassic #
  • 16:15 BRUINS! #
  • 16:20 Chooch: Ooh, those orange team are so pissed. I’m gonna play hockey & knock down the orange team cuz you hate them so much. #
  • 18:08 I love watching Alisha’s face as she watches “Jersey Shore.” #
  • 18:48 Hay look @ the dumb! 2KX in the Hiz!: This was me, New Years Eve 1999. I was all set to get all lampshade-wearin’… bit.ly/6Mw4H2 #
  • 19:27 Even Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has a real job and I don’t. Great. At least I’ve never been punched by a dude. (“Yet” says Henry.) #
  • 21:42 Alisha gifted me with the motherlode of Xmas bounty. I need to join a gym before even considering sampling. #
  • 21:57 Mixtape 4×4 ceramic coaster by somnambulant on Etsy bit.ly/7Z8Bx7 #
  • ***
  • 13:17 To say that my stomach didn’t do flips during the preview for Degrassi’s Love Game would be an outright lie, and I am no liar. #
  • 15:37 Penguins just scored their first goal in over 150 minutes of play. Thank god because I almost forgot what it felt like to cheer. #NHL #
  • 15:54 Mayhaps this is something other than a stomach bug because I almost maybe passed out. #
  • 17:37 Checking out www.postcrossing.com. I’m doing this and Henry can’t stop me. Hopefully I will meet my future husband through the post. #
  • 20:24 I haven’t felt this bad since I was pregnant. Don’t even! Shhh! Shut your lips! #
  • 21:44 Although, I HAVE been craving Doritos & Orange Julius….. #
  • 22:50 It’s only been on for 2 minutes and I’m already so fucking over these Paranormal Activity idiots. #
  • 13:55 I managed to eat half of a cheese sandwich and now I’m pretty sure I might throw up. Perhaps it’s doctor time. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Dec 262009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:20 I love noticing hours after the fact the creative ways my phone auto-corrects my tweets. #
  • 20:27 Why do I have a feeling #SYTYCD is going to make me angry tonight? As long as no part of that douchey married couple wins. #
  • ***
  • 01:01 I’d like to go back to when I was 20 & punch myself in the face. #
  • 04:40 Hay look @ the dumb! For a Good Choke, Call That Guy: a LiveJournal Repost: (Originally posted March 20, 2007) Ther… bit.ly/5f9dhA #
  • 11:19 I’m voting to host a film festival of old high school class projects. It’s amazing how vehement the vetoes are. #
  • 13:03 Just wondering when they’re going to show all the “hot broads” on “Jersey Shore.” At this rate, Henry can toss on a wig & get screentime. #
  • 13:25 My workouts never feel successful unless they’re followed by vomiting. #
  • 14:08 Mop head, pantsless & watching his shows. yfrog.com/33twhgj #
  • 15:27 With his mop of curls, Chooch looks like a walking flashback scene of Brian Crackhouse in “my so-called life.” #
  • 16:55 The Used and Cold are playing a day apart from each other in February. Time to start hoarding my monies. #
  • 18:04 While explaining my family tree to someone, it occurred to me that it sounds like I grew up in a gypsy caravan. #
  • 19:27 Fleury made a save that literally gave me hea rt palpitations. #pens #NHL #cryersimeanflyers #
  • 20:17 Keep screaming “Crosby sucks”, you twatty Philly fucks. #pens #
  • 21:37 It’s impossible to watch this hockey game sitting down. #
  • 21:47 That was a sweet shootout. I mean, how are the Flyers expected to win when there’s no one to punch? #pens #flyers #NHL #
  • 21:53 My Christmas tree continues to grow uglier. Much like my soul. #
  • ***
  • 02:49 I need to stop staying up so late. Henry just tucked me in. It was cute until he tried to smother me. #
  • 14:05 My little brat child keeps calling me Mrs Attitude. He’s been given way too much power in this household. #
  • 14:55 I just tried to picture myself camping & my mind actually broke. #
  • 19:01 If you live in Pgh, check out Wildcard on Butler St in Lawrenceville. Fun stuff there! (& I’m not just saying that b/c they shill my wares.) #
  • 19:06 I read/screamed the list out loud to Henry RT @AltPress Want the first batch of Warped Tour 2010 bands? We got ’em! bit.ly/7Wt6B1 #
  • 19:17 Henry is trying to learn cross stitching while Robert Smith looks on from above yfrog.com/33x6rbj #
  • 21:10 It tickles me that all our Xmas cards come addressed to My Name/Henry’s Name & Chooch. My name is always first, yeah bitches! I mean, cool. #
  • 22:31 Google just ruined my night, as well as my entire weekend, maybe even my life. Ignorance is bliss! #
  • 22:46 Maybe that’s why my evil cat Marcy has gone from my arch nemesis to ankle-rubber. She knows I’m dying. #
  • ***
  • 02:33 I guess it’s time to curl up with my cancer & go to sleep. #
  • 17:09 Gotta love a holiday movie that starts out with the parents of 3 kids dying in a wreck. Merry Christmas. #
  • 17:13 I’ve managed to stress myself out so extremely that it feels like I’m having a stroke everytime I breathe. The solution to that? MORE WINE. #  
  • 18:19 Feeling a sudden urge to belong to a church. I can’t think of anything this means e xcept that the end must be drawing near. #
  • 19:06 Can’t think of a better way to spend a snow-laden Sat. than by watching hockey & drinking wine while bundled in my fave hoodie. #letsgopens #
  • 19:09 Henry: oh, they’re playing Lalime. Me: Uh yeah, where have YOU been. Henry: in the kitchen making your dinner, asshole. #
  • 20:40 Would have been fun to watch Ryan Miller play tonight but I can’t say I mind having to look at his face on the bench. #pens #sabres #nhl #
  • 21:43 I love shootout wins! #pens #NHL #
  • ***
  • 00:02 I need to have a backup boyfriend to keep me company during the 20 hours a day Henry spends asleep. #
  • 12:30 10 days of every Degrassi ever made omg. #
  • 15:14 Hay look @ the dumb! Random Picture Sunday: Not sure if you heard anything about it, but we got some snow. bit.ly/5JVJdl #
  • 16:45 Waiting for everyone to arrive so we can desecrate some ornaments. I mean, decorate. #
  • 17:01 Old school Hoover! Henry broke out the bandanna to do some hardcore cookie-bakin’. yfrog.com/37w6ftj #
  • 18:59 Art class. yfrog.com/4fhw4j #
  • 21:26 Henry’s too busy baking to pay attention to me. This might be a good opportunity to fake suicide. Or pregnancy. #
  • 21:32 Last night Henry accused me of having no responsibilities. I decided to make a list to prove him wrong. So far I only got “washing dishes.” #
  • 23:12 Maybe it’s just me, but once meat is thrown into the mix it’s no longer a grilled cheese. #
  • ***
  • 15:44 Henry Spunkmeyer is still baking. I think I’m most attracted to him when he’s in the kitchen. It’s that whole femmasculine thing. #
  • 17:21 Henry, boxing cookies for the big exchange. I’m so proud of him! I wonder if he’ll write about it in his diary. yfrog.com/1eohtcj #
  • 17:57 Henry said he doesn’t think my blog is funny b/c he’s too intelligent. I don’t think it is either but that has nothing to do w/ smarts. #
  • 18:07 Henry’s not onboard with me learning martial arts to relieve aggression. “Yeah that’s what you need – to be angry and deadly,” he lectured. #
  • 19:05 That was awesome. Not only was Henry the only guy there but the cookie exchange took place at a nail salon. It was rich. #
  • 20:28 The Devils continue to cripple us. #pens #
  • 21:00 I just learned from my son that if I had another child, he/she wouldn’t like me. He WOULD know. #
  • 21:23 They just showed a grandpa/grandson pair at the #pens game. It made me happy-sad. #
  • 21:58 Bravo, Martin Brodeur. #NHL #
  • 22:01 RT @nhlinformant #Flyers better get their game together by the #winterclassic or else the entire country will see their a bunch of frauds. #
  • ***
  • 10:18 I never tire of Bittersweet Symphony. #
  • 12:47 I never close my eyes in the shower. #
  • 12:52 Cho och wants every novelty cooking item he sees on TV, then says “And we’ll get daddy to use it.” I love that he knows the parental roles. #
  • 20:44 It always come back to combat knife. #
  • 20:49 Santa should bring us all the ability to edit tweets. Sparkly red bow optional. #
  • 21:10 I just ate the first delicious nut roll cookie thing in years, courtesy of @rhondakibuk. Holy shit. #
  • ***
  • 01:27 Since Henry’s ignoring me I guess I’ll just reminisce alone about the time I wanted to join that Lyme Disease support group. #
  • 11:03 I love how the envelopes of Christmas cards remind me that I’m living in sin. #
  • 11:08 Chooch is experiencing for the 1st time the psychedelic brain-rape that is The Price Is Right & asked “why’re they acting like retards?” #
  • 16:27 But why CAN’T Christmas be all about me?? #
  • 16:46 Is there a support group for people who can’t deal with Christmas shopping? #
  • 17:52 If I miss the hockey game because of Santa’s popularity, I’m beheading a reindeer. #
  • 17:56 My last tweet made my eyes well up. I’m changing that to a plastic reindeer. Or Henry. #
  • 18:07 Scene: Toys R Us, boatload of bitchy moms crashing their bitchy carts into my ankles, I find out my grandma was taken back to the hospital. #
  • 18:33 Chooch told Santa he wants a Jack in the box. Santa had a f lashback to his own wishlist back in 1940. #
  • 19:36 I’d like to see one of the Pens send Mike Fisher home to Carrie Underwood nice and bloody. #NHL #
  • 20:46 #pens are up 6-1 after two periods. It’s like they’re unleashing all the pent-up goals from Monday night’s blowout loss & it’s FANTASTIC. #
  • 21:16 Hat trick for Malkin! This more than makes up for the 6-2 loss t o the Sens earlier this season. Too bad this wasn’t against the Flyers. #  
  • ***
  • 01:24 Sometimes I just lay here and look for pictures on my ceiling. Last night I swear I saw Miley Cyrus’s weener. #
  • 11:08 Chooch goes, “I told Janna to get you a Hannah Montana toy for Xmas.” My son’s a dickhead. #
  • 14:40 This is how people from Arkansas (Alisha!) pay for paintings. There is MacGyver-approved tape involved. yfrog.com/6m3ndfj #
  • 16:46 The son is currently painting a picture of “the wine store.” A good indication that perhaps he’s there too often. #
  • 17:23 When someone perpetually plays a video game &am p; you find yourself singing sentences to the tune of its theme, you know it’s Wine Time. #
  • 18:36 Hay look @ the dumb! A Christmas Eve Tale: Libraries and Lynchings: Hello, here are two points of interest to prefa… bit.ly/8BDIjo #
  • 18:36 I have chest pains so bad when I laugh. I hate when God meddles with my inappropriate humor. #
  • 20:26 Henry’s mom just tried to give us a web address: www.com. That will get us far. #
  • 20:49 Wine in a box at Henry’s sister’s house. Unabashedly drunk. Obtaining lots of fodder for his fake diary. #
  • 20:5 6 Henrys sister is talking about how their mom used to beat the shit out of her and we’re laughing to death. #
  • 22:52 That was unequivocally the best Christmas Eve I’ve ever had. #
  • 23:56 Got an early present from Santa, best ever if you know me! yfrog.com/3lfucvj #
  • 23:59 Dear @awoodhick, I love my presents but why the shit are we watching the country channel? #
  • ***
  • 00:38 Merry Christmas to my Twitter friends! (I’m not cool enough to pull off “tweeps.”) #
  • 01:52 Henry & I are head-to-head in a game of Words With Friends. I’m trying to go easy on him for Christmas. No, I’m really not. #
  • 09:39 This is exactly why I hate buying him Playdoh. A minute later & every color is mixed. My OCD hurts! yfrog.com/1yfn0yj #
  • 09:49 Upon asking Chooch what his fave present was, he held up a pack of Gushers from his stocking. He was serious. How did he get so unspoiled. #
  • 10:57 It pleases me greatly that Chooch is excited about getting books for Christmas. I hope that doesn’t change. #
  • 13:26 I love when hummus is so fresh it can be drunk from a cup. Not that I’d ever….
  • 14:04 I feel like I’ve been bounced around today more than a porn star on Ron Jeremy-as-Santa’s lap. #
  • 17:35 I’m at the nursing home visiting my grandma and it’s going much better than on Thanksgiving. Thank you, Santa. #
  • 17:50 My grandma has a knack for reminding me that every decision I’ve made in life has been the wrong one, right down to my hair color. #
  • 20:54 Now I’m at my dad’s & found out my mom made him my fave dessert – butterscotch pie. Maybe if I divorce her, she’ll bake it for me too. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.