Oh Honestly, Erin

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:20 I love noticing hours after the fact the creative ways my phone auto-corrects my tweets. #
• 20:27 Why do I have a feeling #SYTYCD is going to make me angry tonight? As long as no part of that douchey married couple wins. #
• ***
• 01:01 I’d like to go back to when I was 20 & punch myself in the face. #
• 04:40 Hay look @ the dumb! For a Good Choke, Call That Guy: a LiveJournal Repost: (Originally posted March 20, 2007) Ther… bit.ly/5f9dhA #
• 11:19 I’m voting to host a film festival of old high school class projects. It’s amazing how vehement the vetoes are. #
• 13:03 Just wondering when they’re going to show all the “hot broads” on “Jersey Shore.” At this rate, Henry can toss on a wig & get screentime. #
• 13:25 My workouts never feel successful unless they’re followed by vomiting. #
• 14:08 Mop head, pantsless & watching his shows. yfrog.com/33twhgj #
• 15:27 With his mop of curls, Chooch looks like a walking flashback scene of Brian Crackhouse in “my so-called life.” #
• 16:55 The Used and Cold are playing a day apart from each other in February. Time to start hoarding my monies. #
• 18:04 While explaining my family tree to someone, it occurred to me that it sounds like I grew up in a gypsy caravan. #
• 19:27 Fleury made a save that literally gave me hea rt palpitations. #pens #NHL #cryersimeanflyers #
• 20:17 Keep screaming “Crosby sucks”, you twatty Philly fucks. #pens #
• 21:37 It’s impossible to watch this hockey game sitting down. #
• 21:47 That was a sweet shootout. I mean, how are the Flyers expected to win when there’s no one to punch? #pens #flyers #NHL #
• 21:53 My Christmas tree continues to grow uglier. Much like my soul. #
• ***
• 02:49 I need to stop staying up so late. Henry just tucked me in. It was cute until he tried to smother me. #
• 14:05 My little brat child keeps calling me Mrs Attitude. He’s been given way too much power in this household. #
• 14:55 I just tried to picture myself camping & my mind actually broke. #
• 19:01 If you live in Pgh, check out Wildcard on Butler St in Lawrenceville. Fun stuff there! (& I’m not just saying that b/c they shill my wares.) #
• 19:06 I read/screamed the list out loud to Henry RT @AltPress Want the first batch of Warped Tour 2010 bands? We got ’em! bit.ly/7Wt6B1 #
• 19:17 Henry is trying to learn cross stitching while Robert Smith looks on from above yfrog.com/33x6rbj #
• 21:10 It tickles me that all our Xmas cards come addressed to My Name/Henry’s Name & Chooch. My name is always first, yeah bitches! I mean, cool. #
• 22:31 Google just ruined my night, as well as my entire weekend, maybe even my life. Ignorance is bliss! #
• 22:46 Maybe that’s why my evil cat Marcy has gone from my arch nemesis to ankle-rubber. She knows I’m dying. #
• ***
• 02:33 I guess it’s time to curl up with my cancer & go to sleep. #
• 17:09 Gotta love a holiday movie that starts out with the parents of 3 kids dying in a wreck. Merry Christmas. #
• 17:13 I’ve managed to stress myself out so extremely that it feels like I’m having a stroke everytime I breathe. The solution to that? MORE WINE. #  
• 18:19 Feeling a sudden urge to belong to a church. I can’t think of anything this means e xcept that the end must be drawing near. #
• 19:06 Can’t think of a better way to spend a snow-laden Sat. than by watching hockey & drinking wine while bundled in my fave hoodie. #letsgopens #
• 19:09 Henry: oh, they’re playing Lalime. Me: Uh yeah, where have YOU been. Henry: in the kitchen making your dinner, asshole. #
• 20:40 Would have been fun to watch Ryan Miller play tonight but I can’t say I mind having to look at his face on the bench. #pens #sabres #nhl #
• 21:43 I love shootout wins! #pens #NHL #
• ***
• 00:02 I need to have a backup boyfriend to keep me company during the 20 hours a day Henry spends asleep. #
• 12:30 10 days of every Degrassi ever made omg. #
• 15:14 Hay look @ the dumb! Random Picture Sunday: Not sure if you heard anything about it, but we got some snow. bit.ly/5JVJdl #
• 16:45 Waiting for everyone to arrive so we can desecrate some ornaments. I mean, decorate. #
• 17:01 Old school Hoover! Henry broke out the bandanna to do some hardcore cookie-bakin’. yfrog.com/37w6ftj #
• 18:59 Art class. yfrog.com/4fhw4j #
• 21:26 Henry’s too busy baking to pay attention to me. This might be a good opportunity to fake suicide. Or pregnancy. #
• 21:32 Last night Henry accused me of having no responsibilities. I decided to make a list to prove him wrong. So far I only got “washing dishes.” #
• 23:12 Maybe it’s just me, but once meat is thrown into the mix it’s no longer a grilled cheese. #
• ***
• 15:44 Henry Spunkmeyer is still baking. I think I’m most attracted to him when he’s in the kitchen. It’s that whole femmasculine thing. #
• 17:21 Henry, boxing cookies for the big exchange. I’m so proud of him! I wonder if he’ll write about it in his diary. yfrog.com/1eohtcj #
• 17:57 Henry said he doesn’t think my blog is funny b/c he’s too intelligent. I don’t think it is either but that has nothing to do w/ smarts. #
• 18:07 Henry’s not onboard with me learning martial arts to relieve aggression. “Yeah that’s what you need – to be angry and deadly,” he lectured. #
• 19:05 That was awesome. Not only was Henry the only guy there but the cookie exchange took place at a nail salon. It was rich. #
• 20:28 The Devils continue to cripple us. #pens #
• 21:00 I just learned from my son that if I had another child, he/she wouldn’t like me. He WOULD know. #
• 21:23 They just showed a grandpa/grandson pair at the #pens game. It made me happy-sad. #
• 21:58 Bravo, Martin Brodeur. #NHL #
• 22:01 RT @nhlinformant #Flyers better get their game together by the #winterclassic or else the entire country will see their a bunch of frauds. #
• ***
• 10:18 I never tire of Bittersweet Symphony. #
• 12:47 I never close my eyes in the shower. #
• 12:52 Cho och wants every novelty cooking item he sees on TV, then says “And we’ll get daddy to use it.” I love that he knows the parental roles. #
• 20:44 It always come back to combat knife. #
• 20:49 Santa should bring us all the ability to edit tweets. Sparkly red bow optional. #
• 21:10 I just ate the first delicious nut roll cookie thing in years, courtesy of @rhondakibuk. Holy shit. #
• ***
• 01:27 Since Henry’s ignoring me I guess I’ll just reminisce alone about the time I wanted to join that Lyme Disease support group. #
• 11:03 I love how the envelopes of Christmas cards remind me that I’m living in sin. #
• 11:08 Chooch is experiencing for the 1st time the psychedelic brain-rape that is The Price Is Right & asked “why’re they acting like retards?” #
• 16:27 But why CAN’T Christmas be all about me?? #
• 16:46 Is there a support group for people who can’t deal with Christmas shopping? #
• 17:52 If I miss the hockey game because of Santa’s popularity, I’m beheading a reindeer. #
• 17:56 My last tweet made my eyes well up. I’m changing that to a plastic reindeer. Or Henry. #
• 18:07 Scene: Toys R Us, boatload of bitchy moms crashing their bitchy carts into my ankles, I find out my grandma was taken back to the hospital. #
• 18:33 Chooch told Santa he wants a Jack in the box. Santa had a f lashback to his own wishlist back in 1940. #
• 19:36 I’d like to see one of the Pens send Mike Fisher home to Carrie Underwood nice and bloody. #NHL #
• 20:46 #pens are up 6-1 after two periods. It’s like they’re unleashing all the pent-up goals from Monday night’s blowout loss & it’s FANTASTIC. #
• 21:16 Hat trick for Malkin! This more than makes up for the 6-2 loss t o the Sens earlier this season. Too bad this wasn’t against the Flyers. #  
• ***
• 01:24 Sometimes I just lay here and look for pictures on my ceiling. Last night I swear I saw Miley Cyrus’s weener. #
• 11:08 Chooch goes, “I told Janna to get you a Hannah Montana toy for Xmas.” My son’s a dickhead. #
• 14:40 This is how people from Arkansas (Alisha!) pay for paintings. There is MacGyver-approved tape involved. yfrog.com/6m3ndfj #
• 16:46 The son is currently painting a picture of “the wine store.” A good indication that perhaps he’s there too often. #
• 17:23 When someone perpetually plays a video game &am p; you find yourself singing sentences to the tune of its theme, you know it’s Wine Time. #
• 18:36 Hay look @ the dumb! A Christmas Eve Tale: Libraries and Lynchings: Hello, here are two points of interest to prefa… bit.ly/8BDIjo #
• 18:36 I have chest pains so bad when I laugh. I hate when God meddles with my inappropriate humor. #
• 20:26 Henry’s mom just tried to give us a web address: www.com. That will get us far. #
• 20:49 Wine in a box at Henry’s sister’s house. Unabashedly drunk. Obtaining lots of fodder for his fake diary. #
• 20:5 6 Henrys sister is talking about how their mom used to beat the shit out of her and we’re laughing to death. #
• 22:52 That was unequivocally the best Christmas Eve I’ve ever had. #
• 23:56 Got an early present from Santa, best ever if you know me! yfrog.com/3lfucvj #
• 23:59 Dear @awoodhick, I love my presents but why the shit are we watching the country channel? #
• ***
• 00:38 Merry Christmas to my Twitter friends! (I’m not cool enough to pull off “tweeps.”) #
• 01:52 Henry & I are head-to-head in a game of Words With Friends. I’m trying to go easy on him for Christmas. No, I’m really not. #
• 09:39 This is exactly why I hate buying him Playdoh. A minute later & every color is mixed. My OCD hurts! yfrog.com/1yfn0yj #
• 09:49 Upon asking Chooch what his fave present was, he held up a pack of Gushers from his stocking. He was serious. How did he get so unspoiled. #
• 10:57 It pleases me greatly that Chooch is excited about getting books for Christmas. I hope that doesn’t change. #
• 13:26 I love when hummus is so fresh it can be drunk from a cup. Not that I’d ever….
• 14:04 I feel like I’ve been bounced around today more than a porn star on Ron Jeremy-as-Santa’s lap. #
• 17:35 I’m at the nursing home visiting my grandma and it’s going much better than on Thanksgiving. Thank you, Santa. #
• 17:50 My grandma has a knack for reminding me that every decision I’ve made in life has been the wrong one, right down to my hair color. #
• 20:54 Now I’m at my dad’s & found out my mom made him my fave dessert – butterscotch pie. Maybe if I divorce her, she’ll bake it for me too. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 18:56 Henry & Alisha are chatting pointlessly about gamey meat. I think I might die. #
• 19:31 I just fashioned my tree topper from an aluminum baking pan thingie and a McDonalds straw. It’s trailer fabulous. #
• 19:40 Ayo, tree topper delight up in here. yfrog.com/4a1dvtj #
• 20:32 @katyhardy a bit belated but the new hair is hot! #
• 21:24 I think today’s highlight was when Chooch saw me from behind wearing a full length coat & said, “Nice dress, bitch.” My mini Nicole Richie. #
• ***
• 00:20 I’m still affected every time I hear Sponge’s “Plowed.” It always makes me feel 18 & drunk again in my first apartment. Simple times! #
• 00:35 Let’s play Words With Friends on the iPhone! My username is ‘Ohhonestlyerin’. bit.ly/2qbpQ #
• 02:01 I’m letting provocative thoughts of eggnog impede my slumber. #
• 10:57 I would be more excited about the new Lost previews if I could remember what happened last season. #
• 11:28 Trying not to topple the Xmas tree while exercising is an exercise in itself. #
• 14:04 I’ve been waiting 13 hours to throw down “neuron” on Words but bananahands won’t take his turn. I feel jilted! #
• 15:54 Me to Henry: I wish you had an iPhone so we could play Words together. I also wish you knew how to spell. #
• 16:07 Someone just said “I actually kinda like your tree.” Actually? Kinda? It’s like she’s admitting to liking Spencer Pratt! #
• 16:08 I bet her head was hung when she typed it out, too. #
• 20:43 Fuck I wish I was at THIS hockey game. #Pens #Canes #
• 20:46 I think I gave myself a celebratory broken bone. #
• 21:48 Hay look @ the dumb! The Christmas Tree Episode: In some families, pulling out the old Christmas tree and decoratin… bit.ly/5QWuwn #
• ***
• 10:37 Chooch & I mauled the tree with another pack of tinsel; looks even fruitier. Needs a garter belt. #
• 14:33 In the most serious game of Words. If I lose, I must marry my opponent. He lives in GA; I’m shivering in PA. I might just throw this match. #
• 14:41 Got my first consignment payment from Wildcard. 3 of 5 pieces I gave the shop last month sold! Better than I’ve been doing on fucking Etsy. #
• 15 :57 Plus: my new Word boyfriend can SANG. Minus: he’s a God person. He might not like me once he gets to know me. #
• 19:07 My new boyfriend Rob is 11 years younger than Henry, and still older than me. Whoever would’ve guessed I’d meet my soulmate playing Words. #
• 22:12 Nice dress, bitch. voicesapp.com/kz2nrk #
• ***
• 01:16 Hay look @ the dumb! And it was better than Christmas: I got to go to the Pens vs Blackhawks game Saturday night wi… bit.ly/5aFNDy #
• 01:41 Jawbox on Fallon. Never thought i’d see the day. That was completely worth sitting thru the rest of the show. Yay J. Robbins! #
• 12:06 Last ditch effort. Need help with yr xmas shopping? Use the code TWEET in the “message to seller” to receive 15% off. bit.ly/6BAlBk #
• 12:25 I woke up today feeling better than I have in years. I can’t explain it, but it’s like I drank a cup of Disney World anticipation. I likey. #
• 19:28 It’s a good thing Henry is here to water the Christmas tree considering I had no idea trees needed water. #
• 20:53 Chooch started bitching about something in the other room & I had this quick moment of “OMG I have a kid; I forgot.” #thatsgoodparenting #
• 21:09 Henry’s making shortbread. I offered to separate eggs. Watched him do 1; almost puked. I’m back to watching hockey. Talk abt role reversal. #
• 21:38 I wonder how pressured Henry must feel, knowing that he takes care of my whole entire family. #
• 22:29 Henry made lavendar shortbread. I was totally prepared to orally ejaculate my piece in h is face but Holy Cheating Tiger this is good shit. #
• 22:39 The fact that I can’t even spell “lavender” says it all, really. #
• ***
• 11:32 How the fuck is this stupid ginger ballroom bitch still on SYTYCD. America’s fucking retarded. #
• 19:28 It’s goddamn frigid in my hizzy. God bless my Pacman fingerless gloves. yfrog.com/4arj9pj #
• 21:12 I love it when people assume that I’m a Steelers fan because I’m from Pittsburgh. I’m only their #1 anti-fan. #
• 22:03 Keep booing, Montreal. #pens #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

A Note From This Tweeter: If you cannot grasp the concept of facetiousness, or if you feel you might literally stop breathing unless you correct my every spelling error, then perhaps you should not follow me. Because:

1. I do not have time or the care to reply to every douche bag and say “Dude, it was a joke.”
2. I do not have an editor to proof-read my tweets, nor do I need you, a stranger, to do it for me. Guess what?? I’m a HUMAN BEING sending TEXTS from a CELL PHONE. And sometimes I even do it when I’m DRUNK. Until someone starts the Twitter Gestapo, GET A FUCKING GRIP. This is Twitter not the motherfucking New Yorker.

Thank you. Proceed.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 16:45 I just scheduled something for 12/12; now I have a sinking suspicion that I already have something going on. Hope it’s not that gang bang! #
• 19:29 Just spent the past few minutes forcing my cat Willie to play w/ a Polly Pocket. The other cats are totally all “Better her than me.” #
• 19:32 twitpic.com/q5yih – She fucking loves it. #
• 21:31 “Crumbled in the 3rd” is an understatement. #pens #
• ***
• 00:16 Called Henry & ;thru heaving sobs, told him I missed him. He hung up on me. (Probably has nothing to do w/ the fact that my tears were fake.) #
• 10:46 My sanity is fissuring. Please send cupcakes to repair. #
• 11:51 I wish I could wear something like this w/o looking like a complete asshole: Seduction in StripesSpecial Circus bit.ly/5ncxMS #
• 13:26 All I want to remember about this past week is Chooch laughing while watching “Jumanji” for the 1st time. #
• 18:36 At Cracker Barrel with Alisha and I feel like our waitress keeps reminding me that I ordered a kids meal. Also, Alisha tried to abandon me. #
• 18:52 You know stress is getting to me when I can’t even finish a grilled cheese. #
• 21:45 I’m thankful for Alisha alerting me to bags of dutch apple pie pecans. They might not fix my crumbling family but they sure are tasty. #
• ***
• 11:09 Hay look @ the dumb! Freaky Feature! Mary&#8217 ;s Treacle: Have you ever laid awake in bed.. bit.ly/07575UE #
• 12:26 Don’t ever expect me to eat oatmeal made with WATER, My palate is way too refined for such hog slop! #
• 12:27 Plz, Santa? :( www.anthonygreenschildren.com/owlstore/ #
• 13:49 Henry:”Why do I want to give anything to Invisible Children? If I can’t see them, what good are they?” Those are the best kinds of children! #
• 14:36 Wow. I’m having chest pains and for a whole .5 seconds, Henry acted like he cared! #
• 14:51 So delighted that Chooch has made the whole house stink like the inside of his intestines. Want to come over? #
• 15:38 Spent a few riveting minutes with Chooch discussing whether or not Jason Voorhees poops. Chooch says no b/c clearly Jason lacks a butt. #
• 15:39 As for me, I’m undecided but plan to pen a research paper on this very topic. #doesjasonvoorheespoop #
• 18:08 Watching @daboogmang & @bed_in_revolt get married via webcam. Alisha and Henry are crying!! #
• 18:09 Actually, Henry’s eating peanuts and Alisha is ogling Jessi’s rack. #
• 19:40 Apple wine & pizza & #Penguins at Mark’s with Alisha. Nothing to complain about right now! (Until Alisha gets lippy with me.) #
• 19:47 Alisha told me she hates me, as a preemptive measure. And Mark thinks Sidney Crosby’s cute. #
• 20:31 Oh what I was just doing? Climbing a tall ladder onto a roof to break into Mark’s kitchen window. THATS RIGHT IM A HERO. Or burglar. #
• 20:32 Missed all but 2 minutes of the second period but my adrenaline high was worth it. #
• 20:34 Just so you know, that was the first time I climbed a ladder. Apparently Mark was more concerned about his Fiestaware than my bones. #
• 21:07 Melted chocolate on my chest, this is the best Saturday night I’ve had in aWHILE. #
• 21:09 Discussing with Mark who is the cutest Penguin. Too much wine turns me into one of “those girls” I guess. # (In the original tweet, I had the audacity to leave out the “of.” Thank god some poop smear caught it and proceeded to school me for the next 4 tweets!)
• 21:13 Mark to me: “I don’t think that makes you seasonal, that makes you bi.” #
• 22:05 The Penguins w on. Alisha and Mark missed every goal. I laughed in their faces. #
• 22:08 Me: “My boyfriend’s technically still married.” Mark:”That’s fine, if anyone’s going to hell, I fucked a priest.” #
• 22:24 I wonder what would have happened if I had to perform a tracheotomy tonight instead of climb onto a roof. #
• 22:33 Alisha looks sad when she watches Ghost Hunters. :( No really, I’m laughing. #
• 22:58 And if you’re Mark, you’d think that one of the last Harry Potter books would be perfect to shove down your pants. #
• 23:52 Glad there wasn’t a masked killer chasing me home, because I dropped my keys 4x before I got the door open. #
• ***
• 00:58 I wish Henry said, “Oh come in! I’m just taking a hot batch of cookies out of the oven!” everytime I came home. Failed a test. Got raped. #
• 01:38 I think it’s mighty rude that Henry left the room because I’m watching Degrassi. #
• 10:26 Had 1 of my recurring underwater nightmares, plus got an homage to Whoopi Goldberg inked on my thigh. That calls for consolation cupcakes. #
• 10:49 I get to visit my grandma in the hospital today. This is a very big deal. #
• 11:24 Pray that Henry’s not the only one you have to rely on in times of family trauma, unless u enjoy getting a pat on the back & nothing more. #
• 12:31 Today’s lesson: my family should steer clear of Vicodin. #
• 12:37 My grandma is telling us about the strip show that was performed in her hospital room last nigh t. She was in Hawaii two days ago. #
• 12:38 They WOULD make a good meatloaf in Hawaii. #
• 13:04 LOL @ Steelers. #
• 15:14 Chooch is telling everyone he wants a Jack in the box for Xmas. Not sure he realizes how gay those are. He’s going to be so disappointed. #
• 15:54 Hey, you know who makes a surly photographer’s assistant? That Henry fuck. #
• 21:09 I’m scoring pretty low at life today. #
• 21:21 Son, as far as I know, “bitch” is not replacing the period as a way to punctuate a sentence. So stop that shit, bitch. #
• 23:18 Hay look @ the dumb! What Bill & Jessi Look Like On a Computer Screen, with Elvis.: My awes.. bit.ly/07h8ugm #
• 23:29 Oh my god, who would pause TV to watch their cat follow an ant around the room — oh, shit. Nevermind. #
• ***
• 08:07 Oh shit, the morning radio DJs might talk abo ut hockey later? BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STEELERS. #
• 11:02 I can’t wait until it’s bye-bye Blackberry. #
• 12:53 Chooch to Henry: “I hate mommy because she doesn’t get me SHIT!” #
• 13:37 Yes, that @ladygaga sure is a music industry abomination. She writes her own songs and plays piano? THE AUDACITY!! #
• 16:54 No really, cardio when you’re sick is a great idea. I promise! You burn twice as many calories when your lungs collapse. #
• 18:14 I’d buy gingerbread deodorant. #
• 18:39 I wish I had a storm cellar in the backyard where Henry could go whenever he had to sneeze. #
• 20:01 Henry tried to get Chooch to trade out “bitch” for “puppy tails.” So now he just says “puppy tail bitch.” Getting the homeschool info now. #
• 20:24 Hay look @ the dumb! When hockey-watching begets heroism: The proposition of “Let&#82.. bit.ly/071c2K6 #
• 21:50 There is no reason why Miley Cyrus should ever be played at a hockey game. Unless they’re using her gaping maw for the goal. #nhl #pens #
• 22:08 Sorry Florida. You shouldn’t have any hockey teams anyway. #pens #
• ***
• 13:16 My friend Lisa said she can’t wait to move back to Pittsburgh, have kids, & maybe – MAYBE – let them be around Chooch. I laughed. #
• 13:48 My new phone came today. Perhaps later I’ll take the Blackberry out to a field & sledgehammer it. But 1st, acid bath! #suckadickblackberry #
• 15:40 Hey @awoodhick: your son is wanting to know what makes his weener big. Plz hurry home with your answer. #  (And thank god that same poop smear from above is on twitter and learned me about erections and how to be a good mother.)
• 17:54 I love how I get a new phone and @awoodhick ran off with it. #
• 19:24 Oh please hold – 19 clown cars just arrived. BAM. #
• 21:53 Apparently I’m a bitch when I have to learn something new. #
• ***
• 01:28 Watching NHL On the Fly makes me appreciate our local announcers. Some of them sound like they’re herniating over goals; my ears weep. #
• 09:56 I’m starting to get verifiably excited for thanksgiving. I hope everyone is in a good mood. And by that of course I mean well-medicated. #
• 10:12 In the short span of a minute, I burnt butter, started a small fire & seared my pinky. It was awe-notsomuch. #
• 14:52 I wish I wasn’t so ambivalent about my Etsy shop. I have so many pieces laying here, unlisted. Definitely over the pendants, too. #
• 21:41 I <3 how I scour online for the classiest pumpkin pie this side of Heaven only for Henry to come home w/ ingredients for something else. #
• 22:17 I never know what to do with myself once hockey games have ended. Oh look, there’s Henry. Guess I’ll just go punch him a lot. #
• 23:26 Bleeding from a fight; smeared it on Henry. He said “ew” but secretly he’s aroused. #
• ***
• 01:14 Meticulously planning the demise of my neighbors. I’m thinking of having a themed par ty where my guests act out my desires. #
• 10:06 This Chockafuckee High School marching band needs to learn the concept of “straight line.” Go home, fuck ups! #
• 10:17 I’d be so pissed if the only thing I was able to amount to in life was being on Sesame Street. #paradebullshit #
• 10:23 I’ m thankful for making it to 30 without going to jail. And Caller ID so I never have to answer a call from my aunt. #
• 11:12 Oh my sweetly spanked Mussolini – Stefano DiMera is going to be at the Pittsburgh holiday parade?! I’m so there. But probably not. #
• 12:09 OMFG dog harness hell!!!! #
• 12:25 Here to report that after exhausting the patience of the human race w/ my incompetence, I’ve moved on to the animal kingdom. #

Automatically shipped byLoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:43 Today, Chooch discovered the glory of Roman Dirge & then made me apologize for giving him a kiss. Somehow, these are connected. #
• 23:53 I wish Jarome Iginla would ask me to prom. I’d even let him honk a boob every time he punctuated a sentence with an “eh.” #
• ***
• 10:17 Nothing like a little kickboxing to simultaneously relieve stress and promote aggression. I want to pet a bunny and kick a hobo in tandem. #
• 10:18 So now, not only does the post office lose my packages, they steal the contents too. Fantastic system. #
• 10:59 In the past when I felt like this, I’d just have a party. Guess I should start perusing the Internet for a guest list. #
• 11:42 I love that Henry gives me choices & then chooses for me. That’s how I know I’m in a real relationship. #
• 13:18 Hay look @ the dumb! Franklin’s Bar, two years later: It’s hard to believe it&#.. bit.ly/3YoNFX #
• 14:52 It’s weird to know someone for over half your life, yet really not know them at all. I’m too old to keep holding on. #
• 15:13 For all your inappropriate Xmas card needs: noncomposcards.etsy.com
• 17:09 Swear I just heard Wolf Blitzer say “retarded” army general, instead of retired. #
• 18:18 Henry, about 2006: “That was a bad year.” Me: “Uh, that’s the year Chooch was born.” Henry: “That was a good year.” Remember that, Chooch. #
• 22:43 #Pens #Kings game just started and I already have a dancing WTF above my head. #
• 17:40 Hi Twitter. My mommy just called & complimented me. I nearly amputated a leg, but no – I wasn’t dreaming. #
• 19:04 I keep telling Chooch to get a life, and he just keeps sitting on the couch. Like, shouldn’t he have a job by now or something? #
• 19:22 If Chooch was a Horton in Salem, he’d wake up tmrw as an 18yo. Great, but then he’d also have amnesia & a prego gf who might be his sister. #
• 19:38 If anyone here uses flickr, add me! I’m bored over there: flickr.com/photos/rowdyruby. I’ll add you back & comment I promise! #
• 19:57 If my tears were ever discovered to be an antidote for zombie bites, just put on a jersey retirement special & I’ll fill a few chalices. #
• 19:58 What, aren’t antidotes stored in golden chalices? Beer steins? Don’t tell me cobwebbed mason jars. #
• 22:26 I refuse to read nursery rhymes to Chooch. He wants to know about Georgie Porgie, he can go out & buy himself some Hooked on Phonics. #
• 22:32 twitpic.com/okf12 – Henry’s speed reading it to him, but that’s mostly so no one will notice he can barely read. #
• ***
• 13:35 I just speedbagged myself in the face. It was a refreshing wake-up but maybe next time I’ll just stick with a spritz of ice water. #
• 14:10 On the phone w/ Henry, he goes, “Ok gotta go, looks like Chooch is gonna fall off a pole.” I KNEW they’ve been going to strip clubs w/o me. #
• 18:28 I’m trying to eat my SOUP and Alisha won’t stop looking at me and laughing. Let me eat my SOUP! #
• 19:09 Alisha is obsessing over Thailand and keeps asking me questions, since I’ve recently emigrated from there. #
• 19:50 Alisha is dying for some blood cockles cooked with prik peppers. #
• 21:47 HENRY PUNCHED MY THIGH IM FILING FOR A PFA! Or buying a gun. HENRY PUNCHED MY THIGH IM BUYING A GUN! #
• 22:55 Oh Penguins, your power play unit makes me drowsy. Not that the Sharks was any more invigorating. #
• 23:58 3/4 of me wants to turn off this hockey game, but I’d feel so fairweathered. It’s devastating to watch, though. #
• ***
• 00:44 TRAINWRECK. #
• 12:09 Henry: “Look at the palm tree.” Me: “Is it real?” Henry: “Yes, because palm trees are red and plastic.” #
• 12:17 Outback should give out commemorative tshirts w/ their awesome blossoms. “I just fought in a war & all I got was PTSD &a shitty onion thing.” #
• 12:29 We’re en route to Ligonier, PA. The last time I was here, Henry & I nearly fought to the death, but I guess that’s just like any day. #
• 16:19 If I lived in the countryside, I better have a long ass driveway. And a lantern. And a helicopter to get me to the city. #
• ***
• 11:30 Hay look @ the dumb! Legwarmer’d Octopi: Recently, this really great girl named Barb.. bit.ly/2AeENS #
• 12:05 Um. I feel like Henry and I didn’t fight ONCE yesterday, but how can that be possible. #
• 14:24 Henry: “For all the things I do for you, you should just be on your knees all the time…..praying that I don’t leave you.” #
• 16:13 Can anyone spare $400? I need to buy a puppy. I mean, bills. I need to pay bills. #
• 17:23 Called Henry while he was at the store & tried to get him to say hi to our cat Marcy. He WOULD NOT & I’m outraged. #
• 22:13 GO BLACKHAWKS GO! #
• ***
• 05:34 Things I Learn From Chooch @ 530am: He wants to hammer snakes to trees like picture frames. And mosquitoes are bitches. #
• 12:17 I hate that I catch myself humming mindlessly to the Fresh Beat Band. THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT THEY WANT. #
• 18:19 Why do I have to be the ring in which my kid tortures the cat. I’m about to throw a fit to get them to back the fuck out my space. SHIT. #
• 18:28 Me: “I hated Operation when I was a kid. I used to kick it & throw it against the wall.” Henry: “So you haven’t changed. At all.” #
• 19:11 Seriously hoping the #Pens don’t make me cry again tonight. #
• 19:26 Please let Chris Bourque score tonight. Hell, please let ANY Penguin score tonight. #
• 20:18 Billy Guerin is playing like a hooker with a chronically dry vagina. Must be so frustrating. #Pens #nhl #
• 21:31 If I hadn’t had a glass of wine, this latest #Pens blowout would hurt way more. #
• ***
• 10:52 If I ever saw a real tornado, I’d pee my pants and push Henry into it. Then after that, I’d push him into the tornado. #
• 11:25 twitpic.com/p4a90 – Isn’t it pretty though, @skyspun?? #
• 14:41 When Henry asked him for a kiss, Chooch scoffed, “Guys don’t kiss!” O.o I didn’t teach him that. #
• 15:02 Yay, that’s me! RT @EtsysDarkSide: RT @grigiodesign feature of the week!somnambulant grigiodesign.blogspot.com/ #
• 17:05 Well, it only took 2 months, but I finally finished Alisha’s birthday present. Maybe now it can count as a Xmas present, too. #
• 18:55 Henry’s not interested in art because he doesn’t understand it. #
• 19:11 8 seconds into the #Caps game, and Semin scores. And then punches the glass in some little kid’s face. #
• 19:12 And as I was typing that last tweet, Islanders came right at Theodore with a retaliation. Fuck I love hockey. #
• ***
• 00:09 As a coach, how do you stand there watching your team lose by EIGHT GOALS and not stick flaming bamboo spears into their assholes? #
• 11:49 I am not a factory. #
• 12:30 My son slept with a spatula and 12 cents last night. #
• 14:03 I can’t stop calling my kid Bitchy Luongo and when will he understand that bananas need more than 10 minutes to ripen. Get a life, Bitchy. #
• 14:12 twitpic.com/p95sf – “Jason [Voorhees] put a rope over that kid” Original drawing by an underroo’d Bitchy Luongo. #
• 14:48 I tried to cut Chooch’s hair but then had to stop because it was starting to look like he did it himself. #
• 16:50 My friend Lauren wrote on Henry’s wall in honor of Veteran’s Day, and I honest to god almost made myself puke from laughing so hard. #
• 17:16 Alisha, please hurry and get off the trolley so we can go have our taco orgasms. For real. And also because I have to pee. #
• 17:19 Alisha is precisely a minute late at this point. Rude. #
• 17:21 OMG walk a little slower, Alisha. #
• 19:31 I just had a delightful date with Al isha. Even the quail fetus dripping down my thumb was pleasant. #
• 19:48 Watching hockey should NOT make my fingertips numb. #
• 20:00 Fucking FINALLY! And that’s how a goal is scored! LET’S GO PENS!! No shutout for Brodeur! #nhl #pens #
• 22:07 I just ran all the way up a steep hill because rape paranoia set in. #
• 22:14 So the guys I thought were going to hogtie me? Turns out they’re very nice guys. happy ending! (But not THAT kind.) #
• 22:20 I could never be a streetwalker. Crossing that off the list RIGHT NOW. . #
• 23:16 I’ve never understood the phrase “dollars to donuts.” I’m maybe too dumb. #
• ***
• 05:55 Today I’m learning to shoot a gun. Hope some Witnesses come calling. Also, I should probably get a gun. #
• 09:44 Someday I’ll tell the harrowing tale of my coffee foibles and how Alisha saved me with packs of Via. #
• 09:54 Don’t forget! Today is To Write Love On Her Arms Day bit.ly/3E6sOH #
• 12:10 I appreciate that people want me to learn of their Erin-centric anger via Facebook, but tweeting it will get the point across quicker. Duh. #
• 12:37 Chooch won’t let me write love on his arm because he hates love. #
• 13:00 Today Chooch’s name is Polka Dot Cuddles. He loves it about as much as any death row inmate would. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Apparently LoudTwitter is down again so I got to do these all by hand, which was exactly how I wanted to spend the last 30 minutes.  

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:28 Anytime I see George Parros, I think I’m watching vintage #NHL footage from the ’70s, god love him. #
• 16:26 If you strummed my nerves, death metal would likely blow your face off. #
• 16:48 I’d stab my way through a wall of altar boys to get to sushi. #
• ***
• 00:19 I’m constantly glimpsing Leatherface’s silhouette in the frosted window of my front door. Exhilarating. #
• 10:24 Me: “Hockey’s on tonight!” Chooch, gesturing disgustedly to NHL TV: “Um, it’s ALWAYS on!” #
• 14:52 Jack o’lanterns would cower in fear if I were a dude.
• 19:40 Henry’s spent the last 10 minutes sniffing potpourri. How un-Service of him.
• 20:32 “Don’t try to be like me.” “Why would I want to be an asshole?”
• 23:02   Chooch is recording From Dusk Til Dawn. Just what he needs, a Tarantino language enhancement.
• ***
• 00:33   Leave it to a girl fight on MTV’s RR/RW Challenge to lure @awoodhick into the room.
• 10:15 Nothing like a little Better Than Ezra in the morning to crush my spirit by reminding me of better days!
• 18:13 I’m not normally one for Facebook games, but Roller Coaster Kingdom has my time & attention hog-tied. Nice vaca for my brain. Send me gifts!
• 18:40 I love how irritated SOME PEOPLE get when I won’t take anything for a headache. It’s not like I COMPLAIN a lot.
• 22:10   Three-year-olds make the worst messengers. Totally a “duh” statement, but just putting that out there.
• 22:15 I know I’m old when every haunted house I’ve gone to this season gave me a headache for a parting gift. Tonight’s haunt was worth it.
• 23:52 Henry did a batch of 27 pendants while I was out tonight. Can only imagine what he’ll want as payment. Sometimes being a ho sucks. GET IT.
• ***
• 00:10   Not much has changed in 8 yrs. I still beg Henry for gifts, just now they’re for Roller Coaster Kingdom.
• 15:00 http://twitpic.com/mmhiy – Progress: custom children octopi, almost done.
• 15:02 Chooch just came downstairs and said, “Daddy said, ‘You’re bad just like your mother!'” & we both laughed.
• 17:08   Nothing good can ever come from an ass lingering in your face.
• 20:14 In looking for a Sharpie to draw on a pre-carved pumpkin, the only one Henry found was an orange one. Oh ho ho. Also, #Pens look dead.
• 22:29 My #Pens-related cheers of exuberance are slightly more raucous with the aid of spiced apple wine. Henry does not approve, I’m sure.
• 21:24 #Pens win in a shootout. Now I can go shoot up. Or, you know, weave a rug.
• ***
• 10:45 It’s always a contest to see who got the most sleep.
• 12:34   Never let Henry fill out the info for your fantasy hockey team unless you want a misspelled name.
• 12:37 Today I found out that Chooch hates my blog and Facebook because they’re always in his way. :/
• 15:08I love it when I realize I’m subsconsciously crying while listening to certain bands. No really, I love it. It’s like an enema for the soul
• 15:11 Why can’t I ever be with Henry when he sees people fucking in a car.
• 16:55 Spent the day making mix CDs and wishing Matt Duchene was my little brother.
• 17:11 Me: “I had a dream about an amusement park.” Henry: “I’m not surprised.” Fuck you, Roller Coaster Kingdom, for making me predictable.
• 17:34 Oh but I could sit here fisting a blob of Play-Doh all day. As long as it doesn’t get messy, but when has fisting ever been clean.
• 18:36 About to go on a haunted hayride w/ my friend Cinn. (Black) magic happens every time we get together so hopefully no one’s barn burns down.
• 22:59 Cinn dropped my half of a Snickers on the ground and gave me her sanitary half instead. That is true friendship.
• 23:08 I expect @cantcme99 and @saucalisha to eat filthy candy for me from now on.
• ***
• 00:39 After keeping haunted houses for 14 years (dork alert), I still maintain the small ones are best. Fuck the glitzy $18-ticket cattle herds.
• 00:45 Haunted house journals, is what that last tweet should say. I’m drunk off wine and NHL On The Fly, boy-eeeeez. Fuck the Flyers!
• 10:57 8 yrs together and Henry still serves me scrambled eggs without Ketchup. It’s relationship-rethinking time.
• 11:07 Trying to share new music w/ Henry, he goes “Bitch, fuck your music” and shoved me down the basement steps, where I gave music a blow job.
• 12:34 If you ever want your day ruined, come to my house & Henry will get right on that.
• 15:08   Alisha was scared during the daylight walkthru of Castle Blood. We’re stopping at Wal-Mart so she can buy new underwear. :/
• 16:27 Henry’s reminiscing about all the times I’ve punched/attacked him &I’m in tears from laughing. GOOD TIMES.
• 16:42 Constantly reminded of why I hate the Steelers.
• 17:13 Alisha just said she doesn’t need to have an imagination with me around. That means we’re best friends & she’ll eat dirty candy for me!
• 17:19 Chooch asked me to tell him a story abt Henry pooping his pants but every scenario I could think of involved Henry’s ass & giant weeners.
• 20:07 I feel like a prerequisite to being in the Mob should be serving time as a Philadelphia Flyer. #nhl
• 22:08 I wish Devil-centric threats had an effect on my child. But thanks to my friends giving Marcy her nickname, he thinks Satan is a cat.
• ***
• 11:26 Chooch, upon learning that some girl on TV is named Paige: “Paige, like on Degrassi?” Shit, I’ve molded him well.
• 12:42 I don’t think not wanting drug addicts/dealers around my kid makes me a bad person. Kicking blind babies, maybe.
• 17:43 I’m looking for homemade deep conditioning techniques (besides ejaculate) that are foolproof for a ‘tard like me. Plz help.
• 20:29 Chooch wants to be himself for Halloween & if asked what he’s supposed to be, he’ll say, “a motherfucker.” Perhaps I’ll sit this one out.
• ***
• 00:56   If you ever want to see Henry jump& squeal like a pussy, tell him a spider’s abt to crawl up his leg. Or a new Sweet Valley book is out.
• 01:42 @starkeepr I’ve tried the cum conditioner before. I can’t remember if it worked, I was too busy feeling awkward since it was ur dad’s.
• 01:50 I miss the days when the radio didn’t make me sick of Death Cab For Cutie.
• 15:59 Henry uses the same password for everything, except Facebook. I just found out today. Wtf kind of sham of a relationship am I in, anyway?
• 16:39 Tired of all the “omgits[blank]” usernames I see everywhere. Is no one original anymore? Oh wait, I already know that answer.
• 18:05 MTV’s Disaster Date would be better if the contestants actually endured bodily harm &/or amputation/death. I’d sign up Janna so fast.
• 19:13 hoping to see Ovie do something fancy tonight. Like maybe a celebratory goal-scoring Tarzan swing off Hartnell’s ginger fro. #nhl
• 19:42 I get serious heart palpitations whenever I email a photo of a custom painting to the customer.
• 20:44 I love watching the Capitals play. Even more, I love imagining Hartnell crying carrot tears every time the Flyers lose. (I hope they lose.)
• 21:08 I might volunteer to be a clown. And then immediately ask to be paid.
• 22:17 There are quite a few dancers on SYTYCD that I already can’t wait to go home.
• 22:20 No really. Let’s NOT cross our fingers for Paula Abdul to join the #SYTYCD judging panel.
• ***
• 01:44 Well shit, I can’t kill myself until I have enough knee socks to finish my noose. Send me some?
• 02:16 I’m thinking I should start scratching DIE into peoples’ pictures again. Perhaps after I go to sleep, though.
• 12:09 Has too much kazoo ever driven a person to kill? Because I feel as though I’m en route.
• 14:00 Just heard Malkin be referred to as “the Russian kid” on NHL Live.
• 16:55 Glad Chooch waited until now to pick a costume that requires a trip to the hardware store & a 100 hrs of manual labor. Godspeed, Henry.
• 17:11 Henry wants to shave Chooch’s head, stuff him in a robe, jam some flowers in his fist & send him off as a Hare Krishna. Oh, desperation.
• 19:34 Henry may be a cocksucking, heavy-footed, unfunny, dirty sock-litterer, but that douche can make a mean pot of soup.
• 19:51 And suddenly, Henry feels good about my pick of Kunitz for Extra Attacker. #nhldorkery
• 20:55 Please do not take this hat trick away from Crosby.
• 20:58 A Chooch Tale: “My puke spilled, into my mouth, but I dranked it back down, like this [insert hearty swallowing sound effect].” The End.
• 22:00 YAY EXTRA ATTACKER!! #pens #nhl
• ***
• 01:32 Almost just agreed to let Henry practice acupuncture on me, where the fuck is my head. Almost beneath a wreath of ice picks, that’s where.
• 12:08   http://twitpic.com/ne9pc – Perhaps he could just be a gamer for Halloween.
• 12:29 Nothing beats sitting on the couch and receiving an anal violation from a Happy Meal toy.
• 14:50 My kid is fucking exhausting every goddamn costume idea I have. I’m giving him one more hour to decide, or NO TRICK OR TREATING.
• 14:52 FUCK, PARENTING IS HARD. Doesn’t he know he’s trick or treating to jack off mommy’s Reeses Cup addiction??
• 21:06 I only hope that “om nom nom” gets buried in the vernacular landfill sometime very soon, next to the rotting corpse of “I can haz.” FUCK.

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 17:05 If someone said you looked like a 60-year old sociopath who hasn’t washed her hair in a year, would you think it was funny? #
• 21:58 Hay look @ the dumb! my bloody-nosed life:  I’ve been out and about the past few da.. bit.ly/4wYQKQ #
• ***
• 18:27 I’m so very twitter apathetic today. Good news for you, though! #
• 18:59 Chooch just informed me that he threw a potato at Henry because he’s a bitch. It’s good to finally have an ally. #
• 22:06 Hay look @ the dumb! October Chooch: I wish Chooch wore a different flannel every day. I l.. bit.ly/L9e06 #
• ***
• 14:01 What the fuck kind of name is Caillou anyway. #
• 14:03 Chooch said he wants Jason Voorhees to get his knife and kill Michael Myers. My heart done broked. #
• 14:57 A trio of drunks just paved over the gorge that was evolving on my front porch, then they ashed in it. Love this rental property. #
• 20:39 I have a very odd child. Must take after Henry, for real. #
• 22:09 Hay look @ the dumb! Exclusive Blog Ho Pendant Sale: This is just for my blog-hoes, you kno.. bit.ly/miKhw #
• ***
• 11:54 In an attempt to give Appledale some lovin’: bit.ly/3JzpE9 #
• 14:21 Me: “Why don’t you sit down?” Chooch: “I can’t. I’m wearing a shirt.” Duh. #
• 15:57 I’m certain my neighbors wear boots made of cinder block, Andre the Giant’s DNA, and complete inconsideration for others. #
• 16:00 Chooch, seeing a hair loss ad: “Daddy needs that.” Me: “He’s not losing his hair.” Chooch: “Let’s make him lose his hair.” I’m so on that. #
• 16:15 Tavares, Tavares, Tavares. #
• 18:58 Started to tell Henry that he’s useless to me; we both choked on laughter over the sheer absurdity of it. #
• 19:07 Every time Henry dresses Chooch, he winds up looking like he just staggered home after a three day bender on a couch in Brooklyn. So scene. #
• 19:59 Henry just texted that some lady told Chooch to have a good night, & Chooch said, “I d on’t want to have a good night.” Attitude! #
• 21:28 Watching the Penguins on the power play is seriously making me drowsy. #
• 22:07 Hay look @ the dumb! “Little Black Backpack” sentiment strum: 1999: First Octo.. bit.ly/2ZPyUS #
• 23:47 Johnny Bananas continues to grow as a cocksucker from Challenge to Challenge. He’s up to King Kong dongs now. #never2old4MTVreality #
• ***
• 00:09 DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON BREAST IMPLANTS. Or else you’ll have to ignore me. Like @awoodhick does. #
• 10:54 Just scrolled quickly past 5 separate Facebook status updates in a row boasting Bible passages. Nothing like being molested by scripture. #
• 11:16 @polarbearclub That seriously made me love you even more. #
• 11:17 #mileystaydeleted. #
• 11:18 just voted “No. twitter is better off without her” on “Do you want #mileycomeback ?” vote too ➔ bit.ly/qoagr #
• 13:12 I don’t know why people always think I have an attitude. I’m like, so nice. #sarcasmornot #
• 12:59 Chooch is trying to insinuate that the red hair bitch on Fresh Beat Band is my gf. He’s singing “Mommy loves a GINGER” & I might punch him. #
• 13:55 It’s always nice to know I got fans on Death Row. #
• 17:37 I was just called a fucker dumbass. I’m humbled. #
• 22:04 Hay look @ the dumb! Hockey : This is a reminder why I love hockey, posted mainly for my ow.. bit.ly/13Qbz9 #
• ***
• 00:31 Don’t front like you don’t want to be watching the new #Degrassi episode, Henry. I hear your appropriately timed chuckles. #
• 00:36 An awesome photographer on flickr whom I really look up to favorited one of my photos & said it’s “just perfect.” I blushed for really real. #
• 01:04 Degrassi makes meth look so appealing. I might need to walk three doors down to Robin’s lab. #
• 10:11 Well. At least my three-year-old son asks me how I’m doing. #
• 17:37 I was just called a fucker dumbass. I’m humbled. #
• ***
• 12:46 CRUXSHADOWS up in here. #
• 13:09 twitpic.com/kzi5k – Chooch & his fucking computer games. #
• 14:22 Just found out I’m going to a hockey game on December 5th, and that’s quite alright by me. #
• 19:37 I’ve successfully convinced Chooch that Sergei Gonchar is his dad. He just saw a fight & yelled “Did that guy hit my Daddy?!” #fantasyhockey #
• 19:44 Guys, we know you’re all jelis of Letang’s perfectly tousled locks but a high-sticking isn’t going to make him spill his beauty regimen. #
• 20:11 I think Henry just told me he loved me, in some roundabout way. #
• ***
• 00:18 Remember when my cat Nicotina was staring at me and Henry’s not a napkin? #
• 00:46 I’ve always disliked all the parts with Debbie. #
• 12:24 Came downstairs to find Chooch watching Adventureland. On Pay Per View. “I saw it & I wanted to watch it,” he reasoned. I’m like, “Ur 3!” #
• 12:58 Going to take pictures of Henry’s family. This shouldn’t be awkward AT ALL. #
• 20:05 TRUFACT ALERT: @saucalisha’s favorite album in high school was RIVERDANCE. I have evidence before me, in her own handwriting. #
• 22:27 Dunno why ppl feel compelled to YouTube themselves walking thru Halloween stores, but Chooch watches them all in bed. Every night. #
• 22:34 twitpic.com/l7hpz – He just taught me how to navigate around YouTube on Henry’s phone. Scary. #
• ***
• 01:52 rofl I just pistol-whipped a baby lol j/k n/m #
• 10:33 Hay look @ the dumb! Art Promo: Caesura: The sun was beating down on them that day like a .. bit.ly/G1yFI #
• 10:44 I’m a little sore today from when that albino pushed me down the cellar steps; & the trepanning that happened later was awkward at best. #
• 11:55 Chooch is getting his 1st taste of Killer Klowns From Outer Space but all he cares about is the ice cream truck so far. #
• 17:51 Proof I need a break: caught myself using the complete opposite word of what I wanted FOUR TIMES today, in blog posts, emails, & stories. #
• 18:15 Always choose a safeword for your partner that is upward of 15 syllables to get the most pleasure from their pain #ruleofrelationships #
• 19:39 I get such a kick out of it when @awoodhick forwards my angry texts back to me. Oh memories, you know? #
• 20:10 Holy shit, Billy fucking Guerin. #
• ***
• 01:52 I fear getting offed by a basement-dwelling maniac while emptying the litter box. Hopefully I die doing something cool. Like macaroni art. #
• 11:23 New Freaky Feature is Coral from Tiny Tragedies/Tiny Tiara. She’s fantastic& now’s ur chance to find out 4 urself! bit.ly/32baCs #
• 11:55 Confirmed : The Troy and Kwame hey day is donezo. #
• 14:51 Finally found amazing local wedding photographers that meet my ridiculous standards. @awoodhick, you can propose now. #
• 15:23 WHAT, Henry used to play FOOTBALL!? Oh my sides hurt from laughing. I wonder if he knows Madden NFL doesn’t count. #
• 19:25 Oh my god I love my kid. The whole world is his stage, even when he’s tripping over it. I wish I was half as entertaining as him. #
• 21:17 How have Henry and I lasted eight years together with diametrically opposed pizza palates. #
• 22:21 Serves me right for glancing at Facebook before watching the Hell’s Kitchen finale. Owellz0rz, at least it was the person I wanted to win. #
• ***
• 13:28 I just thanked my kid for letting me use the computer long enough to pay my phone bill. Something’s not right about that picture. #
• 14:25 SHIT. My fake weener fell off & I can’t find it. #
• 14:34 I lost the words to Patty Cake. They’re probably off somewhere with my fake weener, playing jacks. #
• 16:02 Henry and I just took a drink at the same time. Soul mates! #
• 16:52 I know, the concept of turning right on red can be a real brain buster. #
• 17:46 I’m eating pre-show pie from a cardboard box & Alisha has returned to her roots by giving her ketchup a hearty pepper-dandruffing. #
• 17:47 OK fine, upon eating a french fry dipped in Alisha’s ketchup concoction, I’m here to report that it’s ok. #
• 17:53 I love it when I’m out with Alisha and strangers constantly feel compelled to chat with me. It makes her so angry & that makes ME glad. #
• 18:39 Nearly moved to tears by Of Machines. Even though the singer is dressed as Wolverine. #
• 18:41 But the mom in me desperately wants him to stop swinging the mic. Oh honey, please be careful. #
• 19:05 Was quickly reminded of how dickish Jonny Craig is in person. Newsflash Jonny – you’re not that famous. #
• 20:47 I’m glad I paid to hear the people next to Alisha sing out of tune. #
• 21:32 Let me tell you about excruciation: sitting at a club while the Penguins are in a shootout & I can’t watch. #
• 21:39 Old school Dance Gavin Dance, shit yes. #
• 21:52 ALISHA ELBOWED MY BOOB & PENS WIN & DANCE GAVIN DANCE IS SO OMG-YAY. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 13:02 Alert the media: I’m walking in a shoe. A SHOE. Not a flipflop. A SHOE. Praise the motherfucking LORD. #
• 14:07 I haven’t hit anyone with my car in awhile. #
• 14:23 On my way to have lunch with a friend I haven’t seen since high school. Nervously excited! Hope I don’t puke on her. #
• 18:31 At Halloween store, some dude was all DONT TOUCH to his kid. Damn right – that’s MY job, as I knock shit off the wall. #
• 18:38 Any bitches come to my house this Halloween dressed as Hannah Montana, they’re getting egged. No – punched. Parents beware, Erin don’t play. #
• 19:41 Imagining Henry playing volleyball back in his “younger days” & I keep cracking up. He loves when I make a mockery of his past life. #
• 20:45 Fuck, this weather is so good. It makes me want to set my porch ablaze with jack o’lanterns. #
• ***
• 10:31 On our way to Lakemont, trying to fix Henry’s hair while he’s driving. A hobo was dancing on the side of the road. #
• 10:33 We just passed Mistakes Motel, where Henry was conceived. #
• 10:39 I’m being kicked out of the front seat!? #
• 11:58 Just got A Look while dancing to Mayday Parade. I’m in the meanest car. #
• 12:47 Made a pit stop at the Mallocup factory outlet. It was anticlimatic and Alisha wouldn’t ask for a restroom, choosing instead to whine. #
• 12:56 Upon stating I want to walk down the aisle to “Easy Lover,” Henry goes, “and I hope I’m sitting in a pew watching.” #
• 14:00 Yes that’s me, the mom that dropped her kid out of the Scrambler. #
• 14:37 Just rode the Skydiver twice in a row because I enjoy torture porn simulation. It feels like Bathory just did a number on my thighs. #
• 14:39 I think Corey just spit out a tooth. #
• 15:01 People are judging me based on my socks. #
• 15:10 twitpic.com/hh4ga – WHAT?! #
• 15:14 Riding something called the Twister right after eating a wine slushie is about as genius as it sounds. I spit on @saucalisha. #
• 15:27 Corey made up his life-changing personal narrative in public speaking about his &qu ot;Uncle John” who “died of brain cancer.” HE’S SO MY BRO. #
• 15:54 Alisha: “Why do we always end up on our backs together?” #
• 16:13 Corey, regarding Lakemont’s mascot: “he kinda sticks out.” #
• 16:20 twitpic.com/hhh3d – Uh, I just got snubbed by a guy in a lion suit. #
• 16:26 Henry just likened me to a big doll on a stick. I don’t know what that means but it can’t be good. #
• 17:54 Glad I found a new boyfriend at Lakemont because I’m pretty much not speaking to Henry for like, the rest of fore ver. #
• 18:20 At dinner. Apparently only Corey and I are conversing with each other. Not tense at all. #
• 19:55 Trying to convince my son that a hug is my hands around his neck. #
• 20:41 I don’t want to go to the drive-in strip club for fear of it defecating on my image of hot naked girls going all Tawny Kitaen on my car. #
• 23:58 America, can we stop allowing homogenous bands like Theory of a Dead Man top the charts? Next, Miley Cyrus will have her own show! Oh, wait. #
• ***
• 13:37 Why did I just KICK A BALL with my gimp foot? Oh, because I’m mentally challenged. I deserve the pain. #
• 13:49 Whaled a ball at Henry. It ricocheted off his elbow and slammed me in the face. Lady Luck is not spreading her legs for me today. #
• **
• 00:24 Hopefully I have the foresight of wearing lavender on the day I’m murdered. Something about the purple/red color combo is pleasing to me. #
• 00:48 My hair is now the color of black cherries. I’m afraid Chooch will freak out in the morning since I was blond when he went to bed. #
• 10:27 do y ou love Mozart? do you love monsters? bit.ly/4fcuIL via @addthis #
• 10:39 Lady Gaga succeeded in bringing me nightmares. Which only makes me love her more. #
• 13:20 Chooch just sculpted a cemetery out of clay. It made me so proud I cried, wtf. #
• 18:44 I AM NOT CHILDISH, HENRY!!! #
• 23:07 Henry’s eating Frosted Flakes and watching Gossip Girl with wide eyes. #
• ***
• 00:44 All I want for Christmas is for Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson to have a child together. Set that shit up, Santa. #
• 10:14 Hay look @ the dumb! Bloglovin’ & Mozart: Do you use Bloglovin’? Well, now you c.. bit.ly/3TzhGn #
• 12:21 Had a very unsettling pregnancy flashback. I’m surprised pregnancy isn’t the plot of more horror movies. #
• 13:52 Trying to figure out if my latest compliment via Etsy was back-handed. #
• 16:12 Henry is one motherfucking mouthy hair colorist. #
• 21:02 Henry, getting pissed off while dyeing my hair: “I’m just going to dump this whole bottle on your head & Alisha will have to come fix it!” #
• ***
• 14:28 twitpic.com/hyffg – New hair. So tired of blond blond blond. #
• 15:52 Some ppl have astounding ways of showing me how “important” I am to them. #
• 18:48 Henry won’t buy me heart sunglasses. He srsly holds me back. I’m going to start e-dating again. #
• 20:57 Earlier this evening, I shared a cigarette with two 16 year olds in a parking lot. Henry was not amused. #
• 00:28 Best Real World reunion show ever. Emilee was worthless on the show, but she fucked this reunion up the ass with a fat drama dong. #

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