A few years ago, I bought a 1980’s prom dress off eBay but it doesn’t fit over my rack; it finally occurred to me that I should just dress up Sam and Steph in that and my all-purpose tutu. So I spent yesterday doing just that.

;

I figured Green Man’s Tunnel would be a good location, because it’s grunge-y and abandoned, and hello – The Green Man lives there. Steph’s boyfriend Kian came with us and he really triggered that small “Mom” alarm that’s hidden inside me by doing the sorts of dangerous things that teenaged boys are born to do. Every once in awhile, he would say things like, “Hey, I have an idea” and I would find that I was spontaneously bracing myself.

He was, however, the most polite teenage boy I think I have ever met, and even carried all my shit for me. Good pick, Steph!

Meanwhile, Henry wouldn’t come anywhere near the tunnel with us because he thought the police were going to show up. So he just walked up and down the road looking like a walking sandwich-board for Megan’s Law. I was a little pissed because he’s my designated lens holder.

I lost sight of him eventually and became convinced that he was fishing in the creek across the street.

After I took the first few shots by the creek, I realized Henry was creeping in the background and had to yell at him to leave, which made him hate his life even more.

God, I really needed that.

Here are some of my favorite photos, which you might be expecting if you read the title of this post. I’m not motivated to do much else today.

Not even roller skating!

I haven’t had time (or available suckers models) to take pictures lately. Hoping to change that tomorrow. I think I’m trying to do too much when I only have two arms.

I’m really whiny today. MY BACK HURTS AND I HAVE A HEADACHE!

THE PENGUINS ARE LOSING TO THE STUPID SABRES! I DISLIKE SUNDAYS! WAH.

Hi, hello. Merry Sunday. Have some photos that I took this weekend.

Someone get me on a Wacky Worm, STAT. (The sleaziness of that statement will never get old.) This is pretty much how I looked all week: morose with a general feeling of malaise. I’m getting better, though. I can almost eat again without feeling seasick! (No, I’m definitely not pregnant, don’t fret.)

Chooch ran into this Star Wars display at Target and is suddenly really feeling Valentine’s Day.

Marcy & Chooch’s Art Class.

Again, I say: fuck off, winter depression! There is too much to look forward to.

***

Coming up: a post (with video!) where I wanted to fight a 13-year-old girl to defend Henry’s honor, and more of Henry’s answers to your questions on the “Harangue Henry” post. Woo, this blog is so full of substance I can hardly stand it. (Sarcasm 101.)

My Lame Bio

Lots of roller skating funnery to blog about, but first I got some photos to dump.

Breakfast Brats

Had breakfast with Tommy & Jessy. I’m so glad to have those two around again. It’s nice to have “family days.” Meanwhile, Chooch the Creep took eight pictures of Tommy with my phone.

1 of 8

After breakfast, we went to Trax Farms so I could fawn over the apples. Henry is trying to get me to understand that apple season is over but I still throw tantrums when I go somewhere and I see the same old boring apples.

“I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT GALAS AND FUJIS! I WANT SOMETHING NEW!”

“APPLE SEASON IS GODDAMN OVER! LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS!”

This is really how Henry and I talk to each other in public: emphatic screams.

AN APPLE CONVEYOR BELT! I want one in my house that goes straight to my mouth. Bitch.

And then I ran my hands lustfully over top the waxy bodies of cheese. God, I love cheese so much it’s painful. Literally.

And then and then and then! Chooch bought me the most awesome ring, the end.

When I first saw this gargantuan Christmas bulb outside of our building, I thought, “Fuck, I hate Christmas.” But apparently when Nate saw it, he thought, “Fuck, I love Indiana Jones.

” So per his request, Sandy facilitated a quick photoshoot yesterday at work featuring Nate as Indiana Jones and Sean as an evil elf. I was told to show up with my camera, so I did.

These are just some of the things we do in lieu of working.

I wasn’t back at my desk for more than 5 minutes before one of my co-workers came over and said that she was surprised security didn’t chase us away because only “firm-approved” people are permitted to take pictures out there.

Thank god Nate made me a post-it badge that says “The Law Firm-approved Photog” under my name. TRY AND STOP ME NOW.

We went back to Union Dale yesterday, this time with a fully charged camera battery (apparently our spare is dead forever) and I had a moderate level of success this time.

I was still a big pouty bitch and yelled at Henry a lot because obviously it’s his fault that I am an amateur photographer. (Blame Henry 2012 pins coming soon!

) I am mostly satisfied with the results and now willing to admit that perhaps I need the Xanax hookup.

Janna and I took Chooch to the playground so Henry could clean the house. It was apparently Dad Day there, presumably because all the moms were out fighting bitches over Black Friday bullshit.

One of the dads was super cute so suddenly I didn’t mind too much that my kid was begging me to push him on the swings.

Anytime someone new would arrive, he would rush over to them and start his interrogation, demanding to know the kid’s name and age. He waked back over to us at one point with Jack (3) and Jack’s dad, who had already been acquainted with Chooch as evidenced by the way he casually said to his son, “Riley wants to play with you Jack, go ahead.

”

I don’t know where Chooch gets it, because Henry and I surely are not socialites.

Then I got to witness Janna’s Special Olympic attempt at hopscotch and laughed so violently that I almost puked up the two apples I had previously eaten. (Tell me what your favorite apples are; I’m trying to eat them all.)

We actually talked about apples a lot at the playground, but you’re probably not surprised. I think Janna was tiring of the subject; she did, however, alert me to that fact that some places offer apples tastings so I will be researching this phenomenon soon.

Later, Henry took us to Pizza Hut, which is one of my least favorite places but Chooch got a certificate for a free pan pizza through the Book It program at school. Our waiter was some mentally-arrested man who was dying to tell someone that a lady, in the throes a Black Friday hysteria, pepper-sprayed other shoppers in some state that is not ours.

So he told us and none of us cared.

But Janna at least pretended to.

Chooch was begging for quarters for the claw machine, but I dared him to eat hot pepper flakes first, so he licked the top of the shaker which I think is even more gross so I gave his stupid ass the quarters.

Friday Night Ice Cream Club!

Henry had his own ice cream club with Marcy and it sickens me.

Later in the night, Henry picked up his mom who was spending the night since she’s watching Chooch today. The Penguins game was nearly over, with like, three minutes left in the third.

We were up 6-3 and his mom was sincerely concerned that we might lose. Then I gave her a glass of wine and she started divulging all kinds of stories about her past lovers and also some scintillating tales about Henry’s ex. Henry wanted no part of that little wine fest. I love buzzed Judy.

And now Henry and I are en route to Cleveland, where we will be gorging on greasy gourmet grilled cheese at Melt with our friend Jason and then heading to the House of Blues for the last night of the AP Tour. I’m so stoked to see Sharks again.

If my blog remains un-updated for more than 2 days, please assume that Henry purposely drove our car over a ravine.

It was pretty stupid.

My goal for 2012 is to kidnap/marry Jonny Craig. And also buy a better camera and learn how to use it.

During the pie party on Saturday, I was able to snap a few pictures of Sandy’s little girl, Elena. I’m looking forward to doing it again, with her Halloween costume, so then she too will hate me like all other kids do (including mine).

Later, I might write real words on here! I was going to last night at work, but I was too busy listening to the hockey game. And um, working of course.

I know blogging shouldn’t be a chore, but goddamn—-I woke up today and just the thought of all the stuff that happened over the weekend made me feel so exhausted. I guess that’s a sign that it was pretty successful! So while I have the pie party and an awesome night at Castle Blood with Henry and my new friends Rick and Tammy to frenetically type out, I wanted to first share some photos I took of my friends Lauren and Lindsay’s kids yesterday. I was really honored that they wanted me to do this, because I’m no professional, and even more excited when they suggested a cemetery locale. You know how I love me some boneyards.

We did some regular autumn-ish shots and then they got to change into their Halloween costumes. Some of those ones were shot on my mom and aunt’s street (where Lindsay’s parents also live so we all just parked in their driveway, lest my aunt come flying out of her house with a broom and a shotgun). Oh look, here are some of the photos now.

Dean & Olivia: Any kid with pink streaks in her hair is cool in my book, but now I miss my own pink streaks. I think she was scared of me at first (most kids are) but by the end she was posing and then demanding to see the shot on my camera’s screen. Total diva!

Anthony & Tiffany: Tiffany is Chooch’s female counterpart. She loves horror movies and was all excited for a second when she thought the pond at the cemetery was full of piranhas. She was mad toward the end of the second cemetery shoot because it was supposed to be scary but it wasn’t. I mean, Henry was lurking in the background—wasn’t that creepy enough?

These kids did great. Two hours, three locations, and one wardrobe change and they barely bitched. It was at least 80 degrees and I was sweating my ass off, so I can only imagine how hot they were in their costumes. The only one whining was me, though. (I have a low threshold for discomfort, plus Henry was there and his presence always exacerbates the bitch-baby in me.)

Then I spent the day panicking that I fucked it all up, because that is how someone with low self-worth rolls. (Or stumbles, as it were.)

Now, I have to get back to putting things in jars for my murder desk. Ciao for now.

[The final shots can be seen here]

In between Chooch’s extreme divo antics, we actually had a pretty good time at the Evans City Cemetery last Sunday, even though every ten minutes found me asking, “OMG are we going to get yelled at?” every time a random person would approach.

It always turned out to be a fellow zombie enthusiast though, some having traveled as far as New York and Tennessee. Wendy was about 4 seconds away from developing a Facebook friendship with one of the creepier of the graveyard tourists.

Zombie Guy Smiley

This is pretty much all Henry did the whole time: stood around with a stupid smirk on his face, playing Words with Friends and being of little assistance.

We dined on Burger King, post-boneyard romping. Andrea was intrigued by the “zesty sauce” I got with my onion rings, because the Burger Kings in California have apparently not caught on to this condiment craze.

She tried it and immediately deemed it “too zesty.” Maybe her palate is just “too pedestrian.”

Then we were treated to a long, obnoxious ride home because Chooch lost the magnet to his Drawing Thing pen back in the cemetery and had nothing to keep him busy but the sound of his whiny bitch-factory voice. Besides Andrea going back to California, that was probably the lowest point of the whole weekend for me.

I’m working backwards here, but I couldn’t wait any longer to post these. This definitely turned out to be my favorite cemetery photo shoot ever.

Chooch could have stood to be more cooperative (children! ugh), but it was overall a really fun day. Wendy even came out to spectate and then wound up a victim. Meanwhile, Henry leaned against the car for most of the time, playing Words With Friends and being annoyed.

It was awesome!

[Majority of the makeup effects were achieved using My Pretty Zombie cosmetics. Look for the limited edition Zombify set coming soon!]

Me: “I said to myself, ‘I’ll just watch one episode of The Lying Game and then go for a walk,’ but the next thing I knew, I was halfway into the third episode. That show is so good.”

Henry: “Wow. Your life is just so full.”

***

I know I should be spending my newly child-free days doing productive things while Chooch is in school, and perhaps one day that will happen. But right now, I’m having fun doing, well, nothing.  And to celebrate that theme, here are three pictures from my Epic Double Amusement Park OMG So Much Fun Day that I had on Saturday, because I just don’t feel like doing the whole “word” thing right now. Maybe tomorrow—I don’t think I’ll have any tween shows to catch up on tomorrow.

Speaking of free time, since I’ve got it by the DD-cups, if there’s anything you ever wanted to know, wish I wrote more about, etc etc, feel free to fire away. Even if you’re a lurking hater who’s been dying to hate. The stage is yours. And now, I’m going to take a walk around the neighborhood and pray no one recognizes me as that asshole who posted their picture on the Internet. And also? This might be one of the last days to lather up in  suntan oil.

I’m going to miss that smell.

I’m going to miss summer.

(But Henry is definitely not going to miss suntan grease smeared all over the steering wheel.)

(These are the companion photos to this post, which I wrote while still in Gatlinburg. I miss Gatlinburg. Also, I have not been able to go back and check out all my horrendous typos borne from a writing-derelict like myself using a PHONE to blog.)

In the AM:

It was all downhill from here. (Except that it was uphill.)

Not very peaceful with a Damien-caliber 5-year-old shrieking about how bad he hates you. Yay, parenthood.

Literally in the clouds.

I wish I had video of this. He would have lost a ton of fans.

Henry is not very strong so this was very short-lived. And besides—THE KID IS FIVE, HE HAS LEGS THAT WORK, LET THE FUCKER WALK ON HIS OWN.

God, he is so spoiled, something I know nothing about.

There were signs everywhere warning about bears. If there were any bears around that morning though, Chooch’s fucking big mouth certainly chased them away.

The infamous (by this point) Clingman’s Dome.

 There was a group of girls up there from China and randomly, some hiker came out of the woods and was like, “Oh I speak Chinese” and started showing off his linguistic skills. Within 3 minutes, they were all Facebook friends with him.

(No seriously, I watched them all pull out their phones and have a friending spree.) I felt like we were interrupting some intimate reunion, plus Chooch was still being a candy-assed cry baby, so I snapped a few hasty pictures and we left.

By the time I was taking this picture, the Chinese girls were all giggling behind me, having their picture taken with the creepy hiker.

Seriously, what are the odds.

In the PM:

Lunch at Mellow Mushroom, after a decidedly not-so-mellow morning.

Like he almost deserves this.

Go the fuck to sleep.

I just found out that one of my co-workers is going to Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge soon so now I hate her.