haunted houses – Page 4 – Oh Honestly, Erin

Haunted House Review: a Chooch Guest Post

chooch, Guest Post, haunted houses, Uncategorized

Nov 162013

GHOUL MANSION:

when we were in line a bloody nurse tried to lick us not daddy though. When we were inside we had to go down in the basement we got separated from henrys beard we had to stand in the dark which we didn’t have to it was all erin’s idea. erin was too scared to move and leave daddy alone I thought she hated daddy!

this dude came and scared us and we said “where is henry?!” and the dude said “I ate him” and we were like “no seriously” he was like “HENNNRRRY!!!!!” Then when we went around the corner after henry finally came back a clown had one of those little horn things and it was like BEEEEEP.

then we had to go up steps and a kid was down there and was like “Can I eat you” and then we finally got up the steps. and then like four rooms later we were walking down this hall then the same kid that was under the steps saying can I eat you and I was like “aw crap” in my mind. and he was like “remember me? I was under the steps! I wanted to eat you! can I eat you alive? can I eat you alive” and then finally we got through that hall and had to go through another hall and that kid was still following us. henry was in front of us and I was like “i’m gonna push you” I said that to the kid, so I pushed him and still I couldn’t get past him.

“I gave a high five to a clown it was awesome I really liked the haunted house”.(:

DEMON HOUSE

Erin got off work at nine picked up JANNA “GOD FORBID” Erin got lost because Henry gave us bad directions mommy scared me bad. Mommy lied to me and said that demon house wasn’t scary. when we finally got there, well we didn’t get to the haunted house yet, we had to drive on a bus because mommy crashed into a tree, just kidding. there was no one there so we didn’t have to stand in line. I brought Murder Victim with me, a stuffed dog.

when we got to the demon house for real we sat by a fire and a dude called our number so we had to go up and he talked to us about something and made janna knock on the door. it wasn’t scary though. it was just a cave. like a fake cave made out of fake stone. it was like a mine. Murder Victim was scared.

Once we got out of the cave we had to walk through a forest and then this clown said “follow me!” Then we heard vrrrrooooooooom three chainsaw guys came out of the forest we pushed Janna into one. Me and mommy went the wrong way one chainsaw guy said “that way.” Then we got to the real haunted house.

I hate writing.

My favorite part inside the house was going upstairs and playing hide and seek when these two people wanted to play hide and seek and they said “if you find ME, you’ll be dead!! If you find HER you’ll be safe!” So we found her. In the second room this guy said IS THIS YOUR MOMMY I was like “yeah who the eff would she be??” He was like “well she’s a terrible mom for bringing you here!!!”

Oh yeah at the end of the haunted house Dr Who was there! He was like ready for time travel? Scream YAY TIME TRAVEL! Louder! YAY TIME TRAVEL! I can’t hear you, louder! So we had to go through this maze thing that wasn’t really a maze he was like GO THAT WAY!

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I like Dr Who.

At the end, Janna god forbid wanted APPLE CIDER but I wanted hot chocolate.

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What a good day for hot chocolate.

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I got to have a glow stick and we sat and watched Ghostbusters first then when that was over we say by the fire. It was really warm. I put Murder Victim on Janna’s lap and Erin was like “where’s Murder Victim?” I was like on Janna’s lap you dumbass! But before that I lost him for real but I got him back.

I liked Demon house I was not scared. Erin and Janna were.

Ghost Lake 10/26: A Chooch Guest Post

chooch, Guest Post, haunted houses

Nov 052013

We drove for like, how long? Two hours I guess. idiot Janna was with us and god for bid Henry put like 40 jackets on me.

when we got in line this BUNNY-DEAD KILL ME it was chasing everyone else BUT then a gas mask dude I wanted the BUNNY-KILL ME and the gas mask dude to chase me but then some dead jester thing came out of nowhere with a stick with a skeleton thing on top and got in my face, slammed his stick with the skeleton into the ground but henry told us to go in line with him because it was shorter and there was this glass window thing in the register and I looked right through it and saw the bunny dude’s face.

so now we’re inside and first came Clown Town. the best of all is The Fog, number 10. Each one was in a different part of the park and we had to walk to each one. and henry and janna were talking about having to pee all the time, that’s all they did.

Me and my 40 jackets.

mommy was scared but nothing was even in there!!! All I saw was when we went into the merry go round I looked to the right and saw these two clowns looking on their phones. iphones, I guess.

haunted hotel Conneaut scared me the most. Mommy told me “ghosts are real” because they are. to prove that ghosts are real, I slammed my right leg on the step! wonder who pushed me mommy or a ghost?? then this ju-on lady just came out of nowhere in this dark room. I saw it first, no one else saw it. it was like gonna slam her hand on my leg but then I did this—hop!

when we were in line after the hotel Conneaut for apocalypse zombie we had to walk on this boardwalk when it ended these two dudes came running at us. I wasn’t even scared. mommy is the one who came running behind janna and henry. then the chainsaw guy came. back to the mommy was running scared part, those guys were like touching mommy and janna and henry but not me at all.

last house on the left. I did not think it was scary, when we went in, we had to go upstairs. this dude had a metal stick and slammed it on the wall and then we went THE WRONG WAY BECAUSE OF MOMMY so then we had to go through a black curtain or something. when we went through the curtains we had to walk through a living room and this girl came popping out of nowhere and said “do you know what the fox says?!” and I was like “a ring ding ding ding ding” and she was like “good job!” and then we came to another guy who said “do you want to know what the fox says?

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it says nothing!” This guy in a pig mask was like on the right of mommy and mommy didn’t even notice it. he was a bloody pig guy, just with a pig mask on.

this was after we walked through Demon House with all the bubbles at the end. After we came out of the Devils Den we passed this kitten named Boots.

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It was cute. The end. Hope you enjoyed! write a comment!

My Favorite October Weekend

haunted houses

Oct 312013

I have very little to complain about regarding this past weekend. Janna made the trek with us to the Conneaut Park haunted house on Saturday evening, but first we made a pit stop at some Italian restaurant in Meadville, which is where Janna went to college.

Meadville, not the Italian restaurant. I’d be pretty fucking pissed if I found out that Janna went to college at an Italian restaurant and hasn’t been spending the last 10 years serving me homemade gnocchi and tiramisu. That WOULD be just like her, though.

I can’t remember the name of the restaurant now, except that Janna kept talking about how amazing their wedgies are, which was funny because wedgies, you guys. Wedgies. Chooch started to feel not so hot during dinner and Henry was not being sympathetic at all because he felt that for sure Chooch was just reacting to the fact that he wasn’t getting his way, but I can’t even remember what exactly was “the way” that he wanted. I actually wasn’t feeling so great either but I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want Henry to be all, “THAT’S IT, I’M TURNING THIS CAR AROUND” even though we were still at the table eating, because I DIDN’T WANT TO GO HOME! I WANTED TO GO TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE!

Meanwhile, Janna was getting prodded in her boob by the waitress.

Henry was being such a fucking sourpuss during dinner, but what else is new. He was actually fine once we got to GHOST LAKE OMG! I’m surprised he even took us there at all since it’s more than an hour away and Henry hates haunted houses because they “do nothing” for him. Ghost Lake turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. I wasn’t sure which direction it was going to go, considering Conneaut Park is in such a sad state of disrepair and barely any rides are operable. But that ended up only adding to the ambiance and allure of Ghost Lake. There were 13 different haunted houses (well, the last one was technically just a ride on the roller coaster, which I politely declined because it was raining and that wooden bastard is scary enough on a sunny day, and actually, two people got hurt on it that very night so there) scattered around the park’s property. Some of them were in legit abandoned houses, and one was inside the Hotel Conneaut which is purportedly haunted. They weren’t all on point, but each one made me laugh and scream AND THE PEOPLE THERE TOUCHED US! Not anything out of control, but they would grab our ankles and shoulders as we walked by which was creepy and I loved it. I’ll let Chooch cover the rest of the details but I just want to add that I got to push Janna like 87 times and then tried to close her into one of those stupid inflatable birthing passages. And she just continues meandering about her merry way.

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I don’t know how she does it. I mean, Henry is really patient but even he loses it constantly and slips into a frown-gown.

Which brings me to Sunday night, when Henry, Chooch and I drove to Vienna, Ohio for our Darkride and Funhouse Enthusiast club leader’s home haunt. First though, we stopped down the street at Yankee Kitchen which was—and I’m going to say something that I would never say because I loved this place so much it makes me stupid—AMAZEBALLS. Yeah, I just wrote that on the Internet and I’m not sorry because this place really was like the freshest, manliest, hunkiest balls that God ever created, dunked into a goblet of motherfucking amazement. And then the Yankee Kitchen offered it as a blue plate special. Only things missing were Flo and Alice. The waitresses were too young and non-waitress-y! But there was an entire line of Olds at the counter and short order cooks who looked like they moved to Vienna from a place where the hills have eyes.

Henry was super irritated because Chooch and I were mocking the cook every time he’d put up an order in the window. Especially after he screamed, “FISH DINNNNNNER!” We were almost under the table in fits at that point, and Henry was doing that nose-flare, widened-eye silent warning thing that he mistakenly thinks scares us but actually only makes us lose it even harder. Get a clue, Henry.

I had a really good grilled cheese and then used the last of the toilet paper in the bathroom when I peed and didn’t tell anyone.

After the home haunt (Grimm Manor, which again, I will let Chooch write about) we drove a few miles away to Sharon, PA for Ghoul Mansion, where I got to flash our Darkride and Funhouse Enthusiasts membership cards at the ticket booth for a discount (we saved $12 total!) while Henry hunkered back into the shadows because he was embarrassed by how elitist I was acting.

We had a tiny bit of a wait inside the Mansion but it was OK because the line-actors were stellar. There was this girl dressed a bloody surgeon and she kept trying to lick Chooch and me. It was disgusting and awesome. I applaud her commitment to her role.

Some bloody photographer made us pose for a picture in the very first room, which I thought was just a set-up for something horrible to happen, and I was right because it turned out to be a real photo and you know I hate having my picture taken, but I thought my hair looked good so I made Henry buy a copy. Also, that coat is my grandma’s from the 1980s. I used to visit her and she would start pulling shit out of her cedar closet for me to take home. I have this really pretty lavender trench coat-type thing that everyone always asks, “OMG WHERE DID YOU GET THAT” and I literally say, “The Cedar Closet” like I know about some secret society boutique. I haven’t been able to wear it in a few years though because HENRY needs to sew new buttons on it. God Henry, you fucking suck.

Speaking of Henry, look at his molester-y side-eyes. I hate him. (No really, we’ve had 87 fights today regarding Halloween and costumes and our marital status.)

Anyway, some asshole in a Jason mask separated Chooch and me from Henry by pretending to do us a favor (there was another one of those stupid inflatable vaginas that I didn’t want to walk through so he offered a “shortcut”) but what he really does was shut Chooch and I into a pitchblack room with the instructions to “GO TO YOUR RIGHT.” Fuck you! I’m not going anywhere! So Chooch and I stood there, holding hands, ALONE IN THE DARK and I almost started to cry (OK, I cried) and I just repeatedly shrieked, “HENRY! HENRY! HENRY!” over and over, as if he doesn’t hear THAT enough. Chooch however was very still and silent.

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Henry said that basically he was forced to walk through a darkened maze alone while the actors weren’t even trying to scare him, and all he could hear was my big mouth from a distance. There was some monster I couldn’t see that was apparently standing right next to us and he kept screaming, “HENRY’S DEAD! I ATE HIM!” and I can’t remember the last time I was so scared and happy all at the same time, maybe the time I realized it was just brain matter and not menstruation on my white seersuckers. Then the monster yelled, “You can have her back now, Henry! She’s annoying me” so we were finally reunited.

Ghoul Mansion I think is going to make it into my Top 3 for the season. I was actually sweating by the time we made it out.

Henry applauds himself for pissing in a portajohn, a real life Bitstrip.

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Seriously, speaking of Bitstrips, I’m not sure what is what more annoying: The actual posting of the Bitstrips or the people bitching about the posting of the Bitstrips. If you have logged into Facebook even once in the last two weeks, you probably know what I’m talking about.

By the end of the night, Henry was completely done with us.

And Chooch was fucking exhausted.

Here’s a video! Henry has a two-second sound byte in this that rivals the beloved NO YOU CAN’T HAVE A SHAKE! line from the “Henry Eating Ice Cream” video of last spring. Oh, memories.

My throat hurt from screaming and my stomach ached from laughing: sure signs of a fucking good weekend.

Haunted Houses 10/18 – 10/20: A Chooch Guest Post

chooch, Guest Post, haunted houses, Uncategorized

Oct 272013

Scaremare

It was at an old bank full of Gangsters. We had to crawl twice. One time we had to crawl like for 2 minutes. I saw a real snake and Mother didn’t see it. At the end the tour guide said ”this is the time you go in one by one” Daddy had to go first he said “F*** IT I’ll go in alone :(“. at the beginning this Old man in the 1920’s like daddy’s age screaming about the Children behind bars. And we had to sing HAHA EAGOR YOU CANT GET US NANANANA then he broke through the bars like THIS: IIII:)IIII. This lady in front of us THAT DADDY LIKED THAT TOLD US TO hide her from the ring around the rosey grandma that told me I stole her cat so she told me to check mommy’s weird purse so I pushed it. I loved the haunted house

THE END

Sewickley Methodist Haunted Church:

Janna wouldn’t go with us. because she got a new kitten named Ted Nugent it was to dumb to leave it alone. At the beginning there was this fake spider from the HALLOWEEN STORE. This guy in a red mask said what’s your name I said Riley mommy said Erin and Henry said Henry The guy in the red mask said Erin more like Smelvin witch doesn’t even make sense BUT IT WAS FUNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYY BECAUSE I WOULDN’T STOP CALLING HER THAT!!! I got to spin the wheel and it landed on door one of death I’d rather go in door two of terror. The guy that was dressed like a girl was from a TV show called Wheel of Fortune named Vanna White. I never even watched Wheel of Fortune. The janitor which wasn’t really the janitor hung himself on a rope and had really big teeth. I loved the haunted church this year!! last year um I forgot what happened last year. i’ll just say it was good. maybe next time Janna wont be an idiot and will leave her kitten TED NUGENT that’ll teach you a lesson JANNA! LEAVE YOUR CAT IT CANT OPEN WINDOWS OR GRAB THE NOB OF THE DOOR!!!

Cheeseman Fright Farm:

In line I had to go to the bathroom. I went in the boys bathroom but there was this like 10 year old and he was POOPING in the stall and the urinal was too high so I couldn’t use it so I had to use the girls bathroom no one was in there. it was awkward.

Michael Myers was chasing everybody in line. the people in front of us were like ‘oh well crap Michael Myers is in line’

the hayride part well I kept saying hi to all the monsters they said hi back. The chainsaw guys kept putting their chainsaws in the hay right by laura she was so scared ha-ha. Anyway look at her face in the picture. Jason was in a tractor and it came out of nowhere from the hay shooting fire out from the pipes. It made me feel hot. well it did! The fire went right in my face. The haunted house part we got out of the hay tractor I guess that is what you would call it, and we were going in through a hay tunnel I realized I was in front and I was like “no no no” so I turned around and squeezed past laura to be in the middle. Mommy was scared because I popped out of nowhere and she screamed AAAHHHH.

There was this guy holding a fake snake but there was a real snake behind him in a tank. He was like “like my cat? wanna pet it?” I was like “oh it’s a cute cat I wanna pet it!” He was like “OK go head!” This girl from a graveyard screamed in my face, popped out of nowhere like a butterfly and I was like “well I can scream louder!” and I screamed, so.

I liked it. I had fun. And that’s when I liked chainsaw guys. Please don’t make me write about the picture with Michael Myers.

How to Haunted House Hop, Oh Honestly Erin-Style

haunted houses, nostalgia, Obsessions, OhHonestlyErin-style

Oct 222013

Hold up, wait up a minute. It’s more than halfway through October and I haven’t already posted 87 times about haunted houses? Shit son, let me stuff the word cannon.

This Halloween season, I have been pretty nostalgic about the “old days.” Way back in the age of flowing flannels and Contempo Casuals (where I would buy all of my slutty “I’m a slut who has money” slut uniforms), it was possible to go to two, sometimes even THREE haunted houses in one night for under $20. True story! It seemed like every last VFW, YMCA and Boy Scout Troop had hoarded enough black garbage bags over the course of a year and used their dues to stock up on slipshod Halloween masks from K-Mart to pull off a “haunted house.” And it may have been hokey and rudimentary, full of blacklit Jason Voorhees masks and “accidental” boob-brushes, but fuck if it wasn’t fun.

In high school, I would scour the newspaper for haunted house ads and then my friend Lisa and I would stuff her parents minivan with our ragamuffin group of friends and proceeded to exercise our god-given vocal prowess. We were Those Kids that everyone else hated standing in line with. And I was That Girl who flirted obnoxiously with Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers, hoping to make my crush Evan jealous. (HE NEVER EVEN NOTICED.) There was the Bethel Park Haunted Yard, Clairton’s Haunted Pool, the Glassport Haunted Fire Station, and then all of the Haunted Schools: Castle Shannon, Victory, the Tri-City Jaycees one that I lost my keys in and then it burnt down (no correlation to my keys). Before there was Hundred Acres Manor, there was Phantoms in the Park and Terrors By the Lake. Before Kennywood had their Fright Nights, Station Square transformed into Station Scare and offered carnival rides just in case all of the fog machines, hyper-jealous boyfriends and diet pills* didn’t get you nauseated enough.

*(What? My weight issues go waaaay back.)

But then the behemoth, corporate haunted houses started popping up and taking over. The ones that pay to have haunted house listings and the Travel Channel call them the #1 Haunted Attraction. The ones that make you wait in line for upwards of 3 hours because OMG WE ARE THE BEST IN THE BIZ SO STAND AND WAIT, JAGOFFS. They pour loads of money into their advertising, production and animatronics, but they lack the true Halloween spirit and moxie that the smaller haunted joints have. Money can’t buy moxie, you guys. I’d rather walk through a haunted trail lit by flaming jugs of moonshine in some hick’s backyard than give those corporate bastards my money, if we’re being totally frank here.

People are usually shocked when I start waxing contrary about the city’s most popular haunted attractions, so I have compiled a list to offer some insight into what makes a “good” haunted house.

Here is the official Oh Honestly Erin Haunted House Criteria:

1. Will There Be Chainsaws?

It doesn’t matter how many times Henry exasperatedly assures me that there are no chains on the chainsaws, the moment I hear that whirring, no matter how far away it is, I am suddenly in booty shorts at Camp Crystal Lake and Jason Voorhees is mad as fuck because I just had sex on a hammock, and where the hell did this adrenaline come from? I don’t know, but look! I can scale the backs of the people in front of me!

Even when I’m standing in line chanting, “I hope there are no chainsaws. I hope there are no chainsaws” the truth is that there better be at least one fucking chainsaw guy who takes his position really fucking seriously because I just gave you $15 to scare the shit out of me, so please, do just that. Henry does my laundry, so what do I care.

*THIS SEASON’S UNOFFICIAL WINNER*: Chainsaw Guy at Cheeseman Fright Farm. It was really cold that night on that bale of hay, and your persistent wielding provided warmth to my shivering extremities. Also, you didn’t give up even when I used my 7-year-old son as a shield. Good for you, Ambitious Non-Hockey Mask-Wearing Chainsaw Guy. You were way better than the apathetic Voorhees-wannabe at Freddy’s Haunts who whir-whir-whirred for approximately 10 seconds before walking away.

2. Will There Be the Possibility of Simulated Horror Porn by Michael Myers?

So, maybe it’s just me, but when I’m singled out in a crowd by some dude who looks like his face got violently bear-hugged by bologna slices and green olives, maybe even corners me and snorts and snarls in my ear, I am REALLY FUCKING EXCITED to be there at that haunted attraction. Especially if it’s a particularly sexy-savage Michael Myers. And for those 30 seconds you’re towering over me with your fake machete and vacant eyes, I promise to pretend that you’re not actually some pizza-faced 17-year-old band nerd. NO, YOU ARE A FUCKING HOT PSYCHOPATH WHOSE EVERY PRIMAL INSTINCT IS TELLING YOU TO KILL ME, BUT WAIT! WHAT’S THAT!? YOU ARE FALLING IN LOVE WITH THIS CHUBBY MOM-BROAD WHO IS SCREAMING HER FACE OFF!

And then I’ll go home and write about it in my haunted house journal and it goes something like this: Holy fuck, I am so hot for Michael Myers! I bet he doesn’t pay that much attention to anyone else in that wing of the haunted maze! When we made eye contact, I think he winked at me but it was hard to see over the strobe lights. AND SPEAKING OF HARD! I’m not sure if that was Michael’s tumescent cock-machete or the Pizza-Faced-Kid-Dressed-As-Him’s satchel of dork dice, but I’m totally probably maybe pregnant now, you guys, right?

Just to really illustrate my alarming Michael Myers crush, my kid wouldn’t exist today if I hadn’t thought his dumb dad looked like Michael Myers when he would wear his stupid blue Weiss Meats coveralls back when we were co-workers in 2001. THAT IS WHAT MADE ME WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM, OK?

Anyway…

*THIS SEASON’S UNOFFICIAL WINNER*: Rich’s Fright Farm Michael Myers. You smashed your fist into the wall in front of me every time I tried to escape and at one point BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEES while Janna stood off to the side, staring at her imaginary watch. I could feel your hot murderous breath on my neck and it was, well, fucking hot. Now your demon seed is sprouting inside my womb. Womb, womb, womb.

3. Will Someone Please Entertain the Fuck Out of Me?

Hi. I just dropped the cost of a concert ticket* down on your haunted establishment, so please prove to me that I didn’t make a mistake. *(What? I like underground bands, you guys.) If you’re charging me approx. $18 for 30 minutes, then I better come out the other end feeling like I just came. I mean, feeling entertained. Ridicule my blondness with your biting wit! Tickle my eyeballs with your macabre decor! Make me follow directions! Engage me! (No really—do you want to get engaged? Because Henry apparently doesn’t.) Pay attention to me, to me, to me!

*THIS SEASON’S UNOFFICIAL WINNER*: Castle Blood, duh. You still never fail to call me out for being a dum-dum. (Remembering three talisman is trying. IT’S HARD FOR ME TO PAY ATTENTION, OK!?) You still make me believe I’m going to be poisoned in Professor Scrye’s lab and turned into mortal mana pua by some convincingly realistic witch. (I don’t know why I picked a Hawaiian food that I have never eaten.)

But let me tell you something about this sanguine estate—if you came looking for chainsaws and robotic corpses hemorrhaging on toilets, queue the Sad Tuba soundbite. This is half past Saw, more toward Nosferatu. Castle Blood’s tagline is “Halloween the way it oughta be” and they mean it. It’s elegant and unique, it’s intelligent and interactive, it’s humble and passionate about the season. I’ve been going to Castle Blood since the late 90s and it’s still just as refreshing and inspiring as it was when I was a teenager. We’ve been taking Chooch since he was a baby (first to the no-scare matinees; he’s since graduated to the nighttime tours) and he loves it because it’s magical while still maintaining a high creep-factor—-plus, sometimes Henry gets presented with a death certificate.

4. Will You Make Me Feel Like a ~~Natural Woman~~ Teenager Again?

As previously mentioned, I long for the old-school haunts of yore. The ones in vacant buildings that charge $12 and under and probably meet the safety standards of a treehouse in 1954. The ones that aren’t mentioned in the obligatory WHAT TO DO THIS OCTOBER newspaper write-up or any of the haunted house listings online. The small haunted house put together by members of a local community and advertise by tacking up flyers in Spirit Halloween stores or sticking bright orange signs in the ground next to the highway. I like giving these people my monies! They know how to crack me up while also making me pee my pants. (I had a longstanding reputation at the now-defunct Victory Haunted School, and every year, from the moment I set foot inside, the “monsters” would start chanting, “Erin’s here! Erin peed her pants!” So fucking obnoxious but I loved every second of it.

If I’m in such pitch-blackness that I need to walk with outstretched arms while simultaneously screaming to no one and everyone that I AM SO FUCKING SCARED OMG WAS THAT A BREAST I JUST TOUCHED, then this haunted house rules. If I’m told, “GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND CRAWL THROUGH THE TUNNEL OF LOVE…OR DEATH!” and I literally find myself scrambling on my hands and knees over top of what I really really really hope are pieces of a CLEAN mattress and I start screaming about how I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO DO THIS! I AM SO SCARED! OW I JUST HURT MYSELF! then this haunted house rules. If the volunteers are so over-the-top with their theatrical lines and fake gunfire that I am literally doing pee-squats from laughing so hard, then this haunted house rules. If I tell the guide that my name is Erin and he decides that “Smellvin” is a better name even though that would only make sense if my name was Melvin, but everyone else thinks it’s hilarious, then this haunted house rules. If some kid pops out of nowhere and freaking feeds me a mouthful of Silly String and even HENRY laughs, then this haunted house rules.

*THIS SEASON’S UNOFFICIAL WINNER*: Ohmygod it’s a tie! Teen Quest’s Scaremare in Mon City and the haunted basement of the Sewickley United Methodist Church. Can we please admire the irony here, that two of this heathen’s favorite haunted houses are Christian-based? IDGAF, these two haunts made me laugh until I almost peed. (ALMOST, I swear!) It was like being in high school again, faced with the threat of falling down a staircase and inhaling asbestos. And the volunteers at these two places had way more enthusiasm than any of the ones anywhere else, especially Terror Town, who apparently pays their actors and that is just ridiculous because for the last two years, their “employees” were relatively ineffective and I’m officially done giving them Henry’s hard-earned Faygo money. Especially after seeing one of those “actors” on Facebook turn her nose up at people who, god forbid, volunteer their time to play zombies. The people at Scaremare and the church in Sewickley had HEART. The church even had a babydoll displayed in a very horrific, decidedly un-Christian way! I applaud them for that, for being able to recognize that it’s OK to be outrageous and controversial in the name of Halloween, and for being so balls-to-the-wall. I actually wish I had the time to revisit both of these places this month. Even if it’s just essentially dropping money into a collection plate. I’m OK with that.

5. Do You Have a Worthy Haunted House Companion?

Chances are, during this season you are going to sometimes be driving great distances and are probably going to get lost at least twice (are you going to a hayride on some jackass’s farm? Yeah, good luck trusting your GPS with that), so you better make sure you don’t bring some douchebag along with you who is going to drive you so insane that you need to buy your first pack of Camel Wides in 7 years at some sketchy gas station in the middle of downtown Sharon, PA. (True story.) And then once you’ve arrived at the haunt, you might be standing in line for an hour at least. DON’T BRING A DUD OR YOU ARE FU-HAHAHAHA-UCKED. I was lucky this year and have gone to haunted houses with quality peeps (and Henry), but I have been pretty unfortunate in the past. Your company can make or break the haunted house experience, especially if you are so fucking over-the-top annoyed at who’s ripping your shirt in faux-fear that you forget about the actual haunted house itself. Did you like it? WHO EVEN FUCKING KNOWS?!

*THIS SEASON’S UNOFFICIAL WINNER*: And the award goes to my good friend Janna. No one handles being pushed and shoved into chainsaw guys with quite the panache as she, nor can anyone tolerate my extreme giddiness with such a steely veil of patience. Except Henry, but he hates going to haunted houses. I like to believe that every time I scream, and I mean SCREAM, “JANNNNNNAAAA LOOOOOOK OUTTTTT!” that I’m actually saving her life for real. And she just kind of chuckles a little at first, but by the end of the night, I sometimes detect some eye-rolling and sighing.

________________________

Those are my unofficial winners because I still have at least four more haunts to attend before Christmas starts shitting all over my fun. And remember, all of this is subjective. The things that I look for in a haunted house might not be the same things that make you scream like Laurie Strode or make popular local radio DJs jack off into each others’ cupped hands. If your haunt isn’t going to be gonzo enough to scare the FUCK out of me, at least entertain me. Make me laugh, make me push Janna into a chainsaw guy, have a hot Michael Myers, make me have some F-U-N if I’m giving you twenty goddamn dollars out of Poor Henry’s wallet.

(And let me just tell you, now that Chooch is brave enough to go to every haunted house with me, October is officially waaaaay more costly than December.)

Some extra tips:

Look for coupons! Sometimes haunted houses will offer them on their website. Hundred Acres Manor usually offers $3 off coupons at Eat n Park or Burger King. (They’re only good on Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday nights, I believe.) And you know, check Groupon and Living Social or have a boss that forwards every single haunted house deal to you like I do. Maybe stop in your local corner pub and gather up enough barflies to qualify for a group rate. Just trying to save you some bucks, OK?
Go on off-nights! If a haunted house is open on a Sunday or Wednesday night—GO THEN! You will beat the crowds and probably have a better victim:monster ratio. Have you ever gone through a haunted house with just the one person you arrived with? SCARY AS FUCK. Real talk.
Try to remember that no haunt is perfect and “bad nights” can be expected. Maybe I went to Cheeseman’s Fright Farm last weekend and had a blast, but you went earlier in the month on a night where they happened to have a lot of volunteer no-shows. Shit happens, ya’ll, and most of it is behind the scenes. This is why I try not to do too much bashing. (And believe me, I’ve been to a few duds this year.)
If you go to a haunted trail after it’s been raining all day, you’re PROBABLY GOING TO GET MUDDY. Don’t be that dickhead who complains about it. Maybe you should have stayed home and watched a Duck Dynasty marathon instead.
Bitching about standing in line isn’t going to make the line move any faster and pro tip: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STUPID YINZER MONOLOGUE ABOUT IT, EITHER.
Pretend that you are actually running for your life. BECAUSE YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

Chooch Guest Post: Haunted House Recap 10/12-10/13

chooch, Guest Post, haunted houses, Uncategorized

Oct 142013

We are outside of castle blood and my face is green for some reason like the green man in a tunnel. are quest today was to find a scull,st0ne and a scroll I got the scull henry got the death scroll and Mommy got the stone. my favorite room was the science room and there was some crazy person in it. i don’t want to say anything about when i saw Katelyn.

Terror Town was not scary I told mommy to go in the back she was scared. Laura was in the FRONT I was in the middle. My ears were covered the whole time because there was screaming and the lady that opened the door for when we go in told us that there was real ghost haunting the place that’s what scared me and this guy called me a chicken nugget and then a pig came over and said ohh a child ghh ghh. HI THIS IS ERIN. I guess it’s my turn to write about my favorite part of Terror Town, which was definitely when the pushy woman in line behind us didn’t get to go in at the same time as us, because we probably would have been giving her and her kids piggy back rides through the whole thing judging by the way they stood so close to our backs when we were in line. I WAS NOT GOING TO LET THEM GET IN FRONT OF US. I HATE LINE JUMPERS!!!!

now it’s back to me at the end of the haunted house there was this guy in a grave yard and he looked like Freddy Kruger

because his shadow had a hat and was crouched down. When it was over I got a lollypop from this guy.

At the haunted trail at haunted hills hayride .com OH MOMMY REMINDED ME ABOUT GOD FOR BID JANNA MET US THERE AND MOMMY AND LOURA TOLD ME TO HIDE FROM GOD FOR BID JANNA. the picture shows a sad clown in my FACE. personal space, NOT. when we were in line we were the first ones in line the lady told us to get in a single file line when we were in the hut there was a cut off real head and told us the rules he said use kind words but I put up the middle finger and he saw what I did. But I was like “oh s**t he saw what I did” And the dumbness begins.

there was a grandma actor she said to me eat this rat tail num num num. And she told everyone else to lick grandfather’s heart but the good thing is that it was in a jar. And she said that she liked ERINS PURSE :tip: everyone says that.

I was so mad because I was wearing my new shoes and it was muddy I was pissed. THEY WERE NEW!!!

Chooch’s Scary Saturday Night: Hayrides and the Green Man

chooch, haunted houses

Oct 072013

Chooch, totally ‘noiding out in line for the hayride.

Chooch and I went to Haunted Hills Hayride Saturday night with Janna and Laura so that Henry could bake like a good boy in peace and quiet. Janna picked Chooch and me up and then, as rain crashed down in torrents, informed us that her tires are really bad and the last time it rained like that was when she wrecked the passenger side of her car. I’m here to tell you that this was way more frightening than the actual hayride.

But first, we went to dinner at King’s because we wanted to see if we could outlast the rain, and also because Chooch and I knew that Henry wasn’t going to feed us since he practically orphans us every time he’s in Martha Stewart mode. Anyway, Chooch and Janna both had to go to the bathroom at the same time, but then Chooch came running back to our booth, almost crying with laughter.

“I ditched her!” he wheezed. “I ditched Janna in the bathroom!” So of course, Laura and I start cracking up too because it’s fun to disrespect Janna and oh my god is this kid mine or what?! Chooch was trying to hide behind this wall-thing and even the waitress was laughing about it because giving Janna a hard time is pretty much universally accepted.

So all of this time is passing and we started to imagine Janna sitting outside the mens room, waiting for Chooch, probably panicking and wondering if he was kidnapped by the claw machine or maybe had accidentally climbed into one of the ovens in the kitchen. Maybe she was frantically scrolling through my Facebook photos, looking for one of Chooch to submit to the milk carton printers that didn’t involve an animal mask or ice cream eclipsing his face.

But then I started to consider that SHE had ditched US. The ULTIMATE ditch, too, because not only would we have to pay for her stupid dinner, but we’d have to call Henry to pick us too since she was our taxi driver for the night. Anyway, turns out Janna wasn’t waiting for him after all. SO WHY WAS SHE TAKING SO LONG, OH GOD THE POSSIBILITIES.

When she came back to the table, she was trying to play it off like she didn’t care we were all bent in half with laughter. “I didn’t expect him to wait for me!” she cried defensively. Oh, how I love to laugh at Janna! And so does Chooch, clearly. He also likes ordering food he won’t eat and then stealing food off Janna’s plate.

Chooch took this picture for his Instagram.

The hayride was just OK, and Chooch, for as scared as he was in line, never stopped casually talking the entire time. He even said he’s not scared of chainsaw guys anymore since I told him that the chainsaws don’t have chains on them, which is hilarious because even though I know this is a fact, I am STILL FUCKING TERRIFIED OF CHAINSAW GUYS.

I was angry because the best part of this attraction is the haunted trail, but it was closed for the night because of the stupid rain. (Which has stopped by the time we left King’s, but I wasn’t about to complain that the trail was closed because I stupidly wore white TOMS. What the fuck is wrong with me?)

My favorite part of the hayride was when Janna got yelled at repeatedly by the parking lot attendant for not following his explicit instructions.

After saying goodbye to Laura (no one cried because we knew we would be seeing her again the next day at the pie party), Janna decided it would be fun to go home an alternate route so that she could take Chooch through (fake) Green Man’s Tunnel in Dravosburg. (Everyone knows the real one is in South Park.) I mean, the road is actually pretty scary even if it’s NOT THE REAL GREEN MAN’S TUNNEL, JANNA. It’s all pot-holed and surrounded by creepy forest and then the tunnel is all foreboding and desolate and you just know runaways get raped there constantly. There was a car in front of us for awhile, but then we lost it when Janna decided to STOP THE CAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TUNNEL WHILE TELLING CHOOCH THE WRONG GREEN MAN STORY AND THEN SHE TURNED OFF HER HEADLIGHTS AND CHOOCH AND I WENT BALLISTIC.

I might have been screaming louder than Chooch but so sorry that I didn’t want to die that night OK?! And oh shit, did Janna flip Chooch’s psycho switch. He was all, “What were you thinking?! Why would you do that to us!?” and I was all, “GO FASTER SO WE CAN CATCH UP WITH THAT CAR I DON’T WANT TO BE ON THIS ROAD ALONE ANYMORE OMFG WE’RE GOING TO PERISH.”

Janna dropped us off around 11 and Chooch left her with some vitriolic parting words before stomping into the house and screaming to Henry about the Green Man and how Janna almost had us killed (that last part might have been my own scream, nevermind). And of course Mr. Watches Asian Horror Like It Ain’t No Thang was conveniently too scared to sleep in his room BECAUSE THE WALLS ARE GREEN OMG, so I let him fall asleep on the couch while I watched TV (sike, I was playing Simpsons: Tapped Out) and Henry pouted upstairs because I yelled at him for not having enough things baked. But first, Chooch used my phone to text Janna:

I guess that’s what he gets for ditching Janna at the King’s bathroom!

Before I went to bed, I took Chooch’s phone out of his hand and saw that the last thing he was doing before falling asleep was Googling “cats.”

I teased him about this in the morning and he said, “Well, I wanted to look at something that wouldn’t give me nightmares!” Then he proceeded to immediately Google “Green Man.” And at the pie party later that day, he interrogated almost everyone on their knowledge of the Green Man and kept acting shocked anytime someone would say, “Yes, I know of the Green Man” and Janna would have to explain the concept of an urban legend all over again.

Now he wants to be the Green Man for Halloween and I had to listen to him ramble on and on and on about this morning on the way to school: WHY DOES HE ONLY HAVE ONE EYE?! WHAT KIND OF CANDY DOES HE LIKE?! WHAT DID HE GET STRUCK BY AGAIN? I’M GOING TO TELL EVERYONE AT SCHOOL ABOUT HIMMMMMM! GREEN MAN GREEN MAN GREEN MAN GREEN MAN!

Thanks, Janna!

Lizzie Borden Palate Cleanser

cemeteries, chooch, ghost hunting, haunted houses, New England Tour of Terror, nostalgia, Obsessions, small towns, Tourist Traps, travel

Jul 012013

I’m going to veer off schedule here for a minute and share the pictures from our tour of the Lizzie Borden house in Fall River, MA. After an entertaining breakfast at AlMac’s Diner where I had Portuguese bolo and will consequently never be satisfied with a regular old English Muffin ever again, we stopped here on our last full day of vacation.

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Chooch was pretty fucking stoked to say the least. The kid has grown up in a house where serial killer greeting cards are made, what do you expect?

Henry and I stayed over night here back in 2002, but it was worth the return trip for us, too. Mostly to experience it all over again with Chooch, who knows the legendary story and has watched countless YouTube videos about the house. However, when we walked into the gift shop to pay for a tour, the tour guide behind the register looked a little skeptical at these two assholes toting a 7-year-old child to a murder house.

But then Chooch sprawled out on the couch in the waiting area, mimicking the crime scene photo of dead Andrew Borden, and the tour guide widenened her eyes a bit. “Do you wanna help me out when we get in the house?” At first she suggested that he play the role of Abby Borden, but Chooch quickly said, “No. I want to be the dead dad.”

“How old is he?” one of the three old people in our group asked. I could tell that they too were leery of taking an hour long tour with some brat, but I’d like to think they were pleasantly surprised by the tour’s end.

I mean, come on guys. You know I’m the first person to call my kid out for being a dick. But he was actually super well-behaved and genuinely enrapt in touring the house. I was so proud of my gruesome little brat!

Floral patterns suit him.

The house has changed owners since we were last there. To be honest, I don’t rememeber much of the original tour we got in 2002, other than being a served a plate of cheese and Oreos to snack on while watching some made-for-TV movie about Lizzie Borden, so a lot of what I saw on this day was basically brand new to me. I also feel that the guide we had this time was more knowledgeable.

(Side Note: The guide we had in 2002 was also the summer caretaker and ended up being the only other person sleeping in the house with us that night. He was pretty creepy, but affable at the same time. I posted a picture of him on my blog a few years ago and someone commented, informing me that he had perished in a house fire. So sad! I mentioned this to our tour guide last week—I shamefully can’t remember her name but she was really wonderful—and she said that when the new owners bought the Borden house, they had a really hard time getting him to leave.)

The house was replicated as best as possible, considering they only had black and white photos to go on.

In the dining room, we learned that this is where Abby Borden’s autopsy was done. The guide had pictures of their mutilated bodies and said to me, “It’s up to you if you want your son to see these.”

I asked Chooch if he wanted to see, and he shrugged and said, “Yeah, sure.”

I found out later that I probably should have asked him if he knew what “autopsy” meant first.

While the guide was demonstrating ironing handkerchiefs (one of Lizzie’s alleged alibis), Chooch was chomping at the bit to go into the next room because he recognized the couch immediately. You’d have thought he waited all his life for this one short moment of impersonating some dead dude with a crushed skull and dangling eyeball.

Chooch’s Shining Moment.

The old people on the tour with us laughed uncomfortably during his performance.

We were all clustered in the foyer listening about Andrew Borden’s final moments on Earth; I was standing at the foot of the steps — the top of which was where Abby Borden’s dead body was first spotted prostrate on the other side of the bed in the guest room–with my back to the front door when the mailman began shoving circulars and bills through the mailslot. The new gray hairs I must have amassed in that moment has got to be a staggering number.

Chooch volunteered me to play the butchered Abby Borden, which required me to sprawl ass-up on the floor while Chooch giggled devilishly. Thank god there are no pictures. My ass is much wider than the last time I was photographed in this pose.

This lady knows her shit! We definitely got our money’s worth.

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Borden spirits all up in Henry’s shit!

J/K. I was just really bored in the car. Best use of a bokeh app!

In the corner of the guest room, the actual dress Elizabeth Montgomery wore in the final scene of the Lizzie Borden movie in the 80s is on display. When the guide mentioned Elizabeth’s name, Chooch put his hand up to his mouth and whispered, “Witch!” to me, giving me this faux-serious look. At first I couldn’t figure out why he said that, but then I remembered that the day before, we took him to the Salem Witch Museum and there was a wall of photos of famous witches throughout history, and of course “Bewitched” was one of them.

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The guide we had that day pointed out each picture and gave a brief explanation, and I guess that little jerk was actually paying attention (because I know I barely was). Yay for money not wasted for once!

Actual books that belonged to Lizzie. Check out “With Edged Tools.” LOL right!?

Chooch was really into all the vintage cat figures he spotted throughout the house, and also the creepy trunk of toys that the owner keeps in one of the attic bedroom that is supposedly haunted by random children. Chooch said that’s the room he wants to sleep in when we go back and I was like, “That’s cool, bro. But have fun staying up there by yourself.”

Haunted or not, there is something to be said about standing in a house where one of the most sensationalized double-murders in this country’s history were carried out. I was definitely on edge the entire time while Henry just looked bored (or probably confused because the only way he understands anything is if the cast of Criminal Minds is acting it out on TV for him). Chooch would get fidgety here and there, but thankfully he didn’t do anything overtly dickish to draw attention to himself. For the most part, he honestly seemed like he was interested in what the tour guide was saying, officially making “7” my favorite Chooch age thus far.

When I went back to the gift shop afterward to buy souvenirs, the guide admitted to me that she was a little worried when she saw us walk in with Chooch, and how pleasantly surprised she was at how he conducted himself. I’m so glad she told me that, because as a parent, I’m sure there are times when I think my kid is acting normal but everyone else is thinking, “TAKE THAT BASTARD BACK TO THE ZOO, MY GOD!” My fear is that we’re going to take him somewhere like this and he’s going to break something or cause a general scene by throwing a tantrum out of boredom.

I remember the time when I was a kid, just a little bit older than him, on vacation with my grandparents in Europe. I think we had stopped in Assisi, Italy and, right befor walking into a shop filled to the brim with breakables, my grandma gripped me by the upper arm and hissed, “DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING!”

Aaaaand guess who knocked over an entire display of glass figurines with her purse? GOOD OLD GRANDMA JEAN.

Meanwhile, as the guide was praising my kid’s good behavior, Chooch was in the process of pissing on his shorts in the customer rest room. So, you win some, you lose some.

Can’t leave Fall River without paying our respects at the cemetery!

Stoked for Lizzie!

I really was pleased with how we were able to sneak in educational bullshit on our vacation without it feeling like 5 days of war memorials and dry history lectures. I can’t wait for Chooch to go back to second grade and tell everyone about the shit he did, haha.

Castle blood

chooch, haunted houses, Uncategorized

Feb 172013

Yesterday I went to castle blood for their valentine show and there were a lot of pop-up monsters and jannas fortune didn,t love her and daddy peed his pants!Daddy got yelled at for not turning off his phone and mommy was not awesome the whole time.

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I was awesome the whole time and i got to rip a hart out of a monster and it said i never loved you any way!

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Katelyn (my frenemy) gave me cookies and love potion.

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Today Mommy had to get her dumb fruit and Daddy acted like a idiot who is at work and he knows everything about the weird asian market and it smells like fish in there

They still wont let me get a durian!!!!!

Haunted House Round-Up: 2012

haunted houses

Nov 062012

October fucking flew by and I can’t stand it. Especially since this was hands-down the best October I’ve had since I was in high school, I swear to god. Here’s a shortlist of all the haunts I attended this year, mostly for my own record.

Freddy’s Haunts: Sucked, though it has been so good in past years. This one is totally inconsistent.
Castle Blood: Never disappoints, not even in a brand new location! This one is a goddamn aesthetic feast.
TerrorTown: Awful, total disappointment considering I know what this one is capable of.
Ghoul Mansion: Total psychological mind fuck. Maybe one of only a handful of times I was scared to the point of panic/tears in a haunted house.
Mischief Manor: Used to be my beloved Victory Haunted School. Cost $10 (+tax, wtf) and took about 5 minutes to get through. Rip off. But it’s where Chooch learned to sass the monsters.
Haunted Hills Hayride: This one has been so stupid in years past, but the walking trail was interactive and totally hilarious. And scary. And confusing. I got to shack up with Michael Myers (literally)!
Allen’s Haunted Hayride: Chooch’s first hayride! Always a fun time.
Hundred Acres Manor: Biggest bang for your buck, in my opinion. One of my favorites this season.
Carnegie Haunted Trail: Chooch was Mr. Bravery until the chainsaw guy came and he and his cousin Ean completely left me and Danielle in the dust. I absolutely adore the people who put this one together.
Sewickley United Methodist Haunted Church: Old school! Zero fucks were given that Chooch is only 6 — they went balls to the wall, start to finish, with this one. So good, so cheap.
Carlynton Haunted High School: It was a haunted high school. You get what you pay for.
Delirium: Um, it’s in an abandoned asylum you guys. That alone made it worth it. It was scary at times, but mostly insanely fun (OH DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE).
Shadows: A fairytale-themed walking trail. I think they were understaffed, so I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and try it again next year if they’re back.
Demon House: This one is generally inconsistent, but it was fun this time even though I got lectured by a dead miner for swearing.
Dark Works: A local home haunt. I was so impressed by this, and it was my favoritist. A haunted house, just totally chilling in some dude’s backyard! Incredible. Thanks to Rick and Tammy for taking me there!
Castle Blood matinee: Even though Chooch has graduated to the nighttime tour, he still needs to snag some candy from the denizens. (And see his girlfriend Katelyn!)
West Deer Nightmare: This used to be one of my favorites, but then it went away and new (shitty) incarnations of it kept coming back. But the original has returned and we dragged Chooch to it. It was the only time he legitimately came close to tears and I felt like the Worst Mom Ever. Some girl actually said “Excuse me” to Henry just so she could run down the hall and scare Chooch again. He kept saying, “I hate you, Mommy!” but in the end, he said it was awesome (even after the chainsaw completely chased him to the parking lot), soooo……

Until next October…peace out, Girl Scouts.

Talking on a Bus

conversations, haunted houses, where i try to act social

Oct 282012

Friday night, Seri and I were standing in line for a shuttle that would take us to a nearby haunted house. We were the first people in line, when suddenly a carful of assholes oozed across the parking lot, and I just knew the mom unit of the pack was going to try and plant her mom-jeaned saddle bags right in front of me.

You know who doesn’t play the line jumping game? One Erin Rachelle Kelly.

I made a point of taking an exaggerated step forward, just in case it wasn’t already clear that I was practically fucking the sign that said “Line for shuttle forms here.”

It worked. She took her white trash manners to the back of the line with all the other losers.

About a minute later, the shuttle arrived and I all but charged at it when I saw in my periphery that the assholes behind me were seriously going to attempt to go around me, usurping my head of the line title.

THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OF STANDING IN LINE.

However, I didn’t account for the fact that the shuttle was bringing people back to the lot as well, so when the doors opened, I almost got stampeded.

Look, I’m ALWAYS in a hurry, always acting like I’m trying to escape a burning building. And I REALLY REALLY REALLY like being first in line.

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(For recreational things, that is. Not the dentist or the guillotine.) So I was pee-jigging it up, waiting for the shuttle to unload. I’m not sure what Seri was doing since I had my eyes on the prize (read: the front seat of the shuttle), but if I had to guess, she was probably wishing for a copy of 50 Shades of Gray to bury her face in, because that would be much less embarrassing than being associated with the Type A line stander.

Meanwhile, some asshole KIDS were encroaching my jurisdiction.

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They were now standing to my side instead of behind me. I knew that as soon as the last motherfucker stepped off the shuttle, these brats were going to make a run for it.

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NOT IF I RAN FASTER.

Last person exited the shuttle and I stuck out my arm like I was going to clothesline these dick kids; while bounding up the shuttle steps, I had direct shoulder-to-shoulder contact with one of them. One of the adults they were with snagged them by the backs of their hoodies, otherwise they might have trampled Seri, who I may have accidentally left behind in my haste.

When Seri fell into the front seat next to me, she shook her head.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not letting KIDS cut in front of me!” I cried.

“Gosh, Erin. You’d be a great example for my preschool class,” she laughed. And then, “Would you rather substitute for a preschool class, or high school?”

I didn’t even hesitate.

“Oh, high school. Totally. They’re practically my peers. I could talk to them about Jonny Craig.”

Oh, Jonny.

When we arrived at Demon House, I all but pushed Seri out of the seat so we could get off the shuttle first.

Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, Part 2

ghost hunting, haunted houses

Oct 262012

Babes!!!

When we first arrived at the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum last Sunday evening, we only bought tickets for the haunted house and the flashlight tour of the morgue. “Most people come back and buy tickets for the second tour after they’re done with the first,” the ticket booth lady told us. And sure enough, once the flashlight tour was over, Seri and I exchanged knowing looks; it was pretty clear we needed to take the other tour, too. God are we suckers.

I really liked that older couple up there in that picture! They were also in our group inside the haunted house and the old man was gracious enough to hang back after Seri and I got disoriented inside the foggy maze and I screamed, “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE US, WE’RE LO-HAWHAWHAWHAW-SSSST!” Andthen his wife-person handed us glossy advertisements for the joint after the wheelchaired ticket taker refused to relinquish the ticket stubs for the second flashlight tour. (I really thought I could fool him the second time around.)

We stayed inside the main building for this one, which would eventually land us in the Experimental Therapy ward. My Boyfriend In A Hoodie unfortunately did not join us for this tour. The Camera-Happy Couple did, though. Thank god.

The nurses would pass the patients cigarettes through this hole. If I were Henry, I would take me back to that place and pass me an engagement ring through that.

Henry would never think of something that romantic.

This picture accurately depicts what the world looks like to me without my Big Green Glasses. I took this picture because our guide told us that another guide had a tour up there (it was a ghost-hunting tour), and there was distinct activity coming from beyond those doors. When the guide suggested they check it out, the whole tour retreated to the stairwell and left her up there alone. WTF!? What a lame fucking group.

So our guide got us all amped for that, only to continue walking in the opposite direction! What the hell!?

One of the experimental therapy exam rooms! In addition to the standard shock therapy practices, this asylum also got all up in some eye sockets by administering trans-orbital lobotomies. I was totally into this part of the tour.

I was dawdling at the rear of the group in an effort to get a picture of this lonely wheelchair that would have such a great home with me, when a loud, staccato cry rang out in the next room where most of the group was.

There were two stairwells and numerous doors in this area; the sound seemed to have come from the left, away from our group, perhaps either from the stairwells or back in one of the other rooms. It was totally obvious that everyone heard it, people were shifting around nervously, but not one person said a thing about it. Not even the guide. So I chalked it up to someone coughing or a squeaking shoe, but later Seri backed up my original thoughts by swearing, “No, I heard it too. Everyone heard it. It totally sounded like a bark!”

Clearly, we need to go back there.

Right after that, we entered another section of the floor, where our guide told us a story about some poor man whose whorebitch wife admitted him to the hospital for alcoholism, where he met his untimely demise in the men’s room after some asshole who actually deserved to be there stabbed him 17 times. The guy was able to drag himself to the nearby nurses station before bleeding out on the floor.

Of course, Camera-Happy Couple had a field day posing candidly for each other by the latrines.

(Who am I kidding? I probably would have done the same if I wasn’t terrified of my picture being taken because I’m the fattest fatty who ever fatted.)

Looks cozy to me.

This was an area that was renovated in an attempt to capture the original feel.

Adding a portrait of angry soldier-types make even the chilliest abodes seem homier. It’s good that they tried to cheer up the patients through art.

Supposedly, some people have taken pictures of this mirror and have spotted other faces in the reflection. I got really excited at first because it looks like there is a face with glowing eyes in the righthand of the picture below, but I think that’s probably just Seri.

Her eyes are always glowing with fire and brimstone.

And that concludes our tour of the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum.

When Seri dropped me off at home, it was past midnight. I poked my head through the passenger side door and said in a sing-song voice, “Hopefully we didn’t bring anything back with us. You know, like ghosts.” I let that sink in for a second, and then sang out, “Goodnight!” as Seri’s face filled with horror.

She loves when I do that to her late at night when she has to drive home alone. I’m a good friend!

Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum: Part 1

ghost hunting, haunted houses

Oct 252012

I absolutely could not be happier with the way this Halloween season has been chugging along. I’ve gone to a ton of haunts, from hayrides to trails to church basements, and those are stories reserved for my haunted house journals. However! Seri and I went to one in a lunatic asylum in Weston, WV on Sunday, and then took an optional flashlight tour of the premises afterward, because we figured why not? I mean, our adventures are scary enough (some kind of fucked up shit always happens to us, even when we’re just hanging out at the high school track) but who doesn’t need a little paranormal immersion in their lives. The haunted house portion was a lot of fun—we came out laughing, albeit nervously—but the flashlight tour was definitely creepier. Here are some pictures. And by some I mean so many that I will need to divide them amongst two posts so as not to break the Internet.

The Morgue Tour

There was a guy in a wheelchair taking our tickets. He wouldn’t let me keep the stub as a souvenir!

It was like this:

“But—”

“No.”

“But—”

“Sorry.”

There was an old lady behind us who made a big fuss about it too. I heard her throw down the word “scrapbooking” at one point. Yeah, she went there.

FA LA LA LA LAAAAAWHEELCHAIRS!!!!!!!!

The morgue tour was super creepy from the get-go because we had to walk outside behind the main building to get to the building the morgue was in. On the way, our guide (a tiny but no-nonsense lady who I’m sure I could have made cross in .0005 seconds flat if I wasn’t so distracted by all the broken glass and the desire to push Seri into a big mud puddle) pointed her flashlight to an area behind the building where there supposedly was once an APPLE TREE THAT SOME PATIENT HUNG HIMSELF ON! You guys, you KNOW how much I love apples and suicide! I mean…apples!

P.S. There’s totally someone looking out of that bottom window.

The hallway where the morgue is located.

Casket! Some imbecilic dumbass had the audacity to call it a coffin, which made our guide flip her shit. I can’t remember her name, but I’m REALLY wanting to call her Sally. She constantly used the word “setting” instead of “sitting.” Who’s the imbecile now.

Morgue curtains!

Morgue-y morgueness!

Morgue cleansing corner!

There was one young guy in our tour that I am positive I made a connection with even though he was there with his girlfriend, whom he even mistook me for at one point! And she was way less fat than me, so I took that as a compliment. Sorry, non-fat Erin lookalike. You can write about how insulted you were another day, because right now it’s my time to shine.

So yeah, this guy. He was like 20. But when we were outside waiting for the tour to start, some broad came over and scolding several of us for commingling on the steps when we should have been standing inside the queue. So there were like 6 of us who had to duck under the queue, just as my new boyfriend and his group of people were entering the line from the back.

“I swear we’re not cutting!” I pleaded, and they all said they knew, but when my new boyfriend got closer, he jokingly sneered, “Line jumper!” at me. I took this to mean he wanted to have all of the sex with me against a haunted hospital urinal.

During the tour, he and I were always the last ones in the group, lingering about and taking pictures. Seri claims she didn’t notice, but I think that’s just because she doesn’t want to choke to death on GUILT the next time she sees Henry.

Anyway, he was wearing a hoodie and a hat. It was too dark to ever really see his face.

The haunted house portion of the asylum, while scary in its own right, was a little disappointing because instead of really utilyzing the natural creepy state of the space, they had most of it covered up

I don’t know what this is.

Random carriage.

I kept turning around and taking pictures of the halls behind us. Mostly because I was too scared to keep my back turned on it.

When we were still outside in line, there was a couple standing with us. Maybe they were in their early 30s too, it was hard to tell, but they seemed extremely unoffensive. Until the tour started and the girl-part of the couple went from quiet and mature to obnoxious asshole before the guide even started pointing shit out. We weren’t even out of the lobby yet and it was already photo bomb city. These mothers were in my way in every fucking room, acting all posey-posey for each others cameras in front of the morgue sink, a broken window, an exit sign. THEY WERE GODDAMN EVERYWHERE I WANTED TO TAKE A PICTURE. I could have pointed my camera at Seri’s ass, and that girl would have had a sudden urge to have HER picture taken there, too. And she kept posing like she was at the fucking beach. And she was wearing stupid boots.

And she was just a stupid twat, OK?

I can also tell you that she is a big Heath Ledger fan, because maybe I have big eavesdropping ears and probably not because she told me herself.

There’s one room that’s haunted by a little girl named Lily. Numerous paranormal groups have witnessed her playing with toys and balls in there, but I was too busy wondering how I could steal her baby doll without my soul becoming demon dinner.

I really want to point out that those streaks are probably spirits! But I don’t feel like being a douche today.

Balls.

My boyfriend and I had another cute little encounter by this door. I did my cute little “You have no idea that I’m really a Black fucking Widow” giggle.

I feel like maybe I missed out on a lot of the historical facts of the morgue tour because I was too busy fixating on my lust for the guy in the hoodie and my hatred for the Photo Bomb Couple of the Year.

Castle Blood: Glimpses

haunted houses

Jul 222012

It’s amazing how much progress has been made on the new Castle Blood digs in the last two months since we last visited. I’m so excited for the haunt season to commence!

Henry’s all annoyed because I walked away with more ideas for our future dining room.

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But Ricky said he would help, so there Henry.

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(Last night I put some bids on antique embalming fluid bottles to use as vases.

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Worst case scenario: I’m gonna have the coolest tree house in Brookline.)

Of course Henry had to flaunt his handiness. Wouldn’t be the same otherwise.

Castle Blood Sneak Peek!

haunted houses

May 252012

Maybe you already know that Castle Blood is one of my all-time favorite, can’t-miss haunted houses, but if you didn’t already know, Castle Blood is one of my all-time favorite, can’t-miss haunted houses. I think there were only 2 or 3 Halloween seasons that I didn’t make it out there since I first started going when I was 16. (DAMN! Sixteen years ago.)

(And probably you’re thinking, “Why is this broad writing about haunted houses in May?!” Keep reading.)

Castle Blood is undergoing a makeover, which includes a brand new location for 2012! This location, an old library in Monessen, PA, will serve as the temporary digs for the Castle, after which the denizens and decor will mosey on down to their future, permanent abode, also in Monessen.

Gravely MacCabre graciously invited me out last weekend for a sneak peek of the new soon-to-be Gothic space. (I let Henry and Chooch come too, God forbid.)

Gravely was at the old site, loading up carfuls of decor and props to be sent to the new place, where our friends Chris and Dawn (whom I hadn’t seen since the Trundle Manor Halloween party since she has the nerve to live in dumb Canada!) were doing all sorts of heavy-lifting.

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Essentially a shell yet to be filled, I still insisted that Dawn give us the grand tour of the building, during which we had to heavily rely on our imaginations to picture what the new Castle Blood experience will entail. (This means Henry basically blacked out and drooled, probably thought about maps and buying more Vidal Sassoon for his unkempt McNichol-locks. “Uh-maj-uh-nayyyyy-shun? Wot’s that?”)

Transvestite Little Mermaid mural in the childrens section of the old library, which was scary enough in itself. There were also Teletubbies in there. I shivered.

During our visit, a revolving door of denizens arrived with more stock to be moved into the new building. I didn’t recognize anyone sans graveyard makeup and prosthetic facial slabs until Dawn would point them out by their Castle Blood names. (This was also the first time I had ever seen Dawn without her makeup on too! It was exciting.)

Eventually, Dawn reluctantly said that while she would love to stand around with me and talk about how fantastic I am, she had better get back to work. I know Henry was itching to flash his blue collar, his foot was experiencing phantom pallet jack twitches, and the fact that Dawn was wearing work gloves was definitely giving him a manual labor boner, so the next thing I knew he was marching past me with a dead pirate balanced on his shoulder. Chooch decided he wanted to help too (which is a surprise since he’s basically Little Erin when it comes to doing things for other people, especially things that require lifting and being a good person), and actually took his role very seriously. He made me hold a cup of water, which he’d pause and chug from theatrically, I guess to show everyone how hard he was laboring, I don’t know. Holding his water was really asking a lot from me, since I was so busy standing around, taking pictures, and doing what I do best: generally getting in the way. It was truly my time to shine.

OMG I wanted to swim in this.

Chooch thankfully didn’t bust anything. He was even entrusted with glass lanterns at one point and I almost had a mom-stroke.

Chris pointed out that this was basically just Henry doing his regular day job: lugging beverage.

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And then everyone talked at length about Henry’s awesomeness and I almost vomited. HENRY HENRY HENRY!

Chooch is absolutely obsessed with Castle Blood now, even moreso than he had been. I think he really enjoyed helping out that day, and getting to see what it looks like before all the magic happens. As soon as we came home that day, he immediately made me go to their website for him, which he pored over for quite some time and talked excitedly about wanting to have a part in their no-scare matinees. (I believe what he said was, “Yeah. HELL yeah.” when asked.)

The next night, I came home from the movies and he proudly showed me the Castle Blood mascot he crafted.

“Is that a weener?” I asked exasperatedly.

“No. It’s his….zipper,” Chooch stammered. “Yeah, it’s totally his weener,” he eventually conceded.

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I was about to lecture him when I remembered that he’s only like this because of me. Dammit.

***

Even though this is essentially an end of an era for Castle Blood, I do think it’s exciting to see what will rise from the proverbial ashes. I know that they’re going to own it, totally make it their bitch, because that’s what a cast of haunt-loving geniuses do. And let’s be honest, Gravely could make a shanty under a bridge into a world-class haunted attraction, and would probably even find a role for the hobos living in it.

I have a feeling that the future of Castle Blood is going to be bloated with Really Great Things (and hopefully another celebrity appearance by Alex Vincent). October can’t come fast enough!

(P.S. In the end, I actually carried THREE WHOLE THINGS from a car into the building! I find it hard to believe that no one patted me on the back.)

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