Today is the anniversary of…that day, and my new thing these last several years has been to celebrate my Pappap instead of moping / feeling sad / being depressed. He was only part of my life for 16 years, so it’s really nuts for me to grasp the idea that I’ve been living life without him longer than with him now. Damn. I can only hope that I have even half that much of an impact on someone’s life one day!

Anyway, here are three photos featuring my Pappap over the years!

This had to be us at Kennywood. I wonder what ride it was?! Henry suggested Jack Rabbit at first but I honestly can’t imagine being game to ride a rollercoaster at that age – maybe, though?? The station looks too open though, so then Henry suggested the Little Dipper. It was open until 1984 and this photo was probably from 1983 so maybe! But…I doubt it.

This may have been pre-Erin Pappap! That’s him and my MOMMY in their Gillcrest pool, which was one of my favorite places of all time. My Pappap’s pool in the summer, absolutely nothing was better. I would give anything to go back to the mid-80s for one sunny July afternoon, honestly. My Pappap didn’t go in the pool much by the time I was born, but he could ALWAYS be found sawing logs in a lawn chair.

In fact, he had his own lawn chair that no one else dared use, and I will never ever ever ever forget us attempting to normalize a Pappap-less world by celebrating someone’s birthday or some summer holiday by having a cookout/pool party like we used to, and my dad laying back in The Lawn Chair and BREAKING IT, causing my aunt Sharon to completely melt down. It was baaaaad. She wouldn’t let anyone touch the chair, it just pretty much stayed out there like a wrecked relic, making us all miss better times.

When I say my family collectively handled my Pappap’s death poorly, with handsome amounts of dysfunction and enough trauma to last several lifetimes, I’m actually downplaying it. None of us mourned his death like healthy people. I was (am??) scarred for years and years afterward to the point where I used to not even be able to THINK of him without bursting into tears, let alone talk about him like a functioning human with normal emotional health.

It was really hard when Chooch was a baby too, because I spent so much time bobbing around in my feelings, wondering if my Pappap knew that Chooch was here, wishing that Chooch could know him, needing his stability in our life.

But…I think I reached a point where I feel that he would be proud of me, and that he would approve of how I have been living my life (well, maybe starting within the last 10 years, lol). And that makes it easier for me to think about him and smile at the memories instead of sob uncontrollably.

OK enough for the heavy hoo-haw, here’s a totally groovy shot of my grandparents and people I don’t know (actually, both of those men bookending the shot looked very familiar to me though and their names are on the tip of my tongue). Is this the 60s? Early 70s? Not sure, but grandma, your hair! Woof! My grandma had some AMAZING hairstyles over this years and this was not one of them. Nope.  Anyway, I feel like this was from a group vacation. Bahamas, perhaps. I think they used to go there a lot. I could ask my mom but I think she still gets upset when he comes up so I try not to talk about him too much with her. I don’t know. His death really fucked us up. You wanna talk about the glue holding a family together. We felt that.

Sorry, I didn’t intend this to get heavy! I am not sad or depressed today. I’m fine, and just wanted to share these but then the thoughts started and now here I am analyzing an irreparable situation that shouldn’t have went down the way it did, but here we are!

I am happy to report that about 90% of the shit stowed away in the attic has been sorted / pitched / donated / neatly stored. It feels SO GOOD, like the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. I finally, after 35 years, felt it was the right time to throw out the boxes of penpal letters I’ve been, let’s face it, HOARDING. I did keep some from various prisoners, strictly for the LOLs, and I considered keeping the ones from ALISHA OLMSTEAD but after she SNUBBED me on Facebook several years when I sent her a message like HI WE WERE PENPALS ALL THROUGH MIDDLE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL AND HAD A WRITING CLUB TOGETHER AND MADE SLAM BOOKS FOR EACH OTHER HOW COULD YOU FORGET ME I felt there was no reason to hang on to those, since most of them were probably just her gushing over JONATHAN BRANDIS AND CHRISTIAN BALE anyway. (Newsies and Ladybugs were here favorite movies, lol ok.)

I even threw out photos of bad times, bad people. Typically, I would keep everything like this because I am a memory pack rat, but pictures of Psycho Mike got ripped up, a picture of me at McCoys sandwiched by two QUEEN CUNTS who I wouldn’t care at all if I found out they were dead sorry but that’s real talk also got thrown out but now I wished I had ceremonially set it aflame first. Oh well.

A card from Christina – bye bye.

A weird ass letter written to a still in utero Chooch from a crazy lady from Philly who I knew from LJ – balled up and slam-dunked into the garbage bag.

It was cathartic. Like being reborn. I am ready for this new era.

Anyway, there were tons of things from my past that were unearthed and definitely are staying, some of these things I’m even going to keep out instead of hiding away in a box.
I found this peeled apart Polaroid of my best doggo Dazee and me from what appears to be 1995. First of all, LOVE THAT LOOK ON ME LOL. I’m pretty sure I also lined my lips like a fool back then too. Also, I went through a weird red hair phase – not ginger but like maroon somehow??

I just know that my mom HATED it haha.

Ugh but man, my old bedroom, how I miss thee. Also, you can blame my mom for my persistent itch to spray-paint every piece of furniture that crosses my threshold. She started it by spray-painting my bedroom set purple and yello!

I’m not kidding when I say that in one fell swoop, I pulled four of the most life-changing books out of a box. These four books are forever favorites, I can look at each of them and be transported to very specific eras of my most formative years, right down to where I was when I was reading some of them.

For instance, I still lived in South Park when I read Wait Until Helen Comes and it terrified me. Both Ghost Story and the Sins of Rachel Ellis were books I found in my Pappap’s house, presumably either my mom’s or aunt’s when they were young: Rachel Ellis is probably why I ended up with an old guy, and I have a VERY SPECIFIC MEMORY of reading part of Ghost Story when I was in high school, sitting in the living room which we rarely used, home alone on a bright, sunny summer day, and getting full-body chills because this book scared me so much. Peter Straub quickly became one of my faves after that and I have always wanted to re-read this one but am so worried that I won’t like it as much now that I’m older and rarely affected by a horror novel.

And The Westing Game taught me to put bourbon on a toothache. Literally one of the greatest books of all time. I suggested that Chooch read it for a book report in grade school and as much as he wanted to NAYSAY, he admitted that it was fucking fantastic. Just one of the best books ever and all kids should experience it.

Then Henry found a leftover invitation from Chooch’s 1st birthday!! 

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Henry and I worked so hard on those and I don’t regret it at all. Best Son only turned one once, after all!

We are so close to being done with the attic space.

I will share more photos of the progress later this week but for now, here’s Drew timidly venturing up there for the first time since this overhaul began and seeing THE DEADLY DISCO BALL OMG.

On that note, I have to go. I finished my rewatch of Laguna Beach (I can honestly say that I appreciate Kristin so much more now that I’m an adult LOL as if I wasn’t already a grown up whenever this show originally aired too but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN) and am now onto my first ever rewatch of the Hills, as well as the Whitey Port reaction videos (hat tip to Megan for suggesting those!).

Man, I miss this era of TV a lot a lot a lot.

Billy, we got some straight up JAMS to listen to together today. During my work day, I tend to put on “retro synth” playlists on YouTube. Most of it is instrumental which is good for me because I need to con-cen-trate on what I’m doing or I will get yelled at.

Probably not, but maybe. You never know. A passive aggressive call-out, at the very least.

Anyway, I need to have background music on to block out the perpetually shrieking children next door, but if I play kpop, then I get way too into plus my ears will start subconsciously perking up every time I hear a word that I recognize and then I feel compelled to look up the lyrics to see if I was correct, and it’s just a whole thing that will deter me from the work at hand for a solid 10 or 20 or sometimes longer if I’m at that point inspired to get up and see if Give Me Five Thailand also has a cardio workout to the subject song.

See what I mean? I can’t Kpop and review engagement letters at the same time.

But synth is wonderful because it puts me in a very relaxed, comfortable zone. HOWEVER, every so often, a song with vocals will pop on that stops me dead. Here are some of the recent ones that I have been fully fucking with.

And this last one especially made me call out HENRY BRING ME MY ROLLER SKATES. It has become a sensation at work, too! Even GLENN liked it!

This is bigly inspiring me to want to have a party.

OK, it’s Friday night. An exceptionally annoying work week is officially behind me. Your girl is about to drink some wine and make a playlist for a party I will probably never actually move forward with because I am lazy and constantly distracted but at least I’ll have a sick playlist.

You know how when you reach the levels of STRESSED THE FUCK OUT that you can hear your blood bubbling? That’s where I am this week. To calm down, I opened up my blog archives and allowed myself to get deep down into my Korea-feels. I love the photos in this post so much and wanted to post it again, also because I am too stressed and irritated to construct new content, even the shitty, bare-minimum kind that you’ve come to expect here. I think this is now the THIRD time I have reposted this since 2018 but I D G A F. MY BLOG MY RULES. WAH.

We woke up early on a Saturday morning and set off for some palace-touring. As I mentioned previously, our hotel was in a great location, and we were able to walk to several of the Five Grand Palaces of Seoul! Probably would have been a faster/easier walk if we weren’t following Henry’s lead, but….as Henry said, “WE GOT THERE, DIDN’T WE?!”

Wow, tough guy.

I wanted to start with Gyeongbokgung Palace first, but Henry was all, “my way or the highway” or some other Dad-ism, so we went to Changdeokgung Palace first.

I know, it’s hard to keep the names straight! But the one that starts with a G is like, the most popular one, I guess.

In hindsight though, our crazy walks are something I look back on now and laugh about. I miss it! We saw a lot of crazy shit this way and it reaffirmed that we definitely were better suited sans itinerary. As much as I loved the European adventures I went on as a kid with my family, it was so much better not to be tied down to a group agenda and panicking every day because you’re close to missing bus call.

For this trip, we had a list of things we wanted to do, and we played it by ear. Sometimes we didn’t know what we were doing until after we woke up that morning! It was slightly stressful for me at times because I’m an undercover control freak, but I quickly learned to just go with it and maybe that’s why we managed to make it through our Korea pilgrimage with minimal fighting.

Donhwamun Gate, the largest of all palace gates. Get on Donhwamun’s level, other gates. 

According to Wiki, this Palace literally translates to “Prospering Virtue Palace.” It was the second palace to be established after Gyeongbokgung, which is the one I wanted to see first but that’s OK Henry, fuck up the chronological order!

The original palace was built between 1405-1412 but burnt down during the Japanese invasion in 1592 and again in 1623 but each time it was rebuilt, and the reconstruction remained true to its original form. It’s incredibly humbling and sobering to be walking around grounds filled with so much history and tragedy.

Chooch might have a future as a Walmart greeter, you guys.

We got there early enough that it wasn’t flooded with tourists yet. Look at the mountain peeking out back there! I believe that’s part of Mt. Bugaksan. One of the things I didn’t know about Korea until I started marinating in a KOREA 101 bath is that Korea is like, 70% mountains! And almost everywhere you go in Seoul, you can see them. It’s one of the things I loved so much about this city, that no matter how urban and cosmopolitan it feels in one direction, if you pivot another way, you’ve got a mountain looming over you, or a Palace’s ancient presence behind you. Seoul has everything. Seoul IS everything.

Injeongjeon Hall

This is the throne hall, where all The Big Events took place back in the day, like coronations and poisonings probably.

This is the inside of Injeongjeon Hall.

I bet lots of scary people have mingled under those chandeliers.

And now please enjoy some gratuitous spring flower shots:

The spring buds were like celebs, man. There were some cherry blossoms that you couldn’t get anywhere near because of the throng of older people with their tripods and huge lenses.

It was so deserted in this area that I was afraid we weren’t supposed to be there. Those trees though.

I was so glad that Chooch got to experience all this history! He was really into it.

This was before ancient Korean spirits possessed Chooch and me and gave us the ability to lacerate Henry’s feelings with our hunger-driven words.

Because we would never normally be mean to Henry.

Lol.

I had to go for my annual wellness test this morning at work, and when the lab tech was getting ready to take my blood pressure, he said, “Just think about things that make you happy.” And immediately, in my mind, I was walking the peaceful grounds of Changdeokgung again.

When I was digging through photo boxes in search of good shots of my Pappap’s house to use for my Christmas present project, I found these that I must have taken in the 90s on one of my last trips to Europe with Sharon.

I’m mildly amazed at the amateur photojournalistic quality of them (minus that broad’s hand cameo in the left-hand corner, lol). Most of my old vacation pictures are such trash, especially the earlier trips when I was 9-11 and taking pictures of castles from a bus window. I can’t believe my grandparents actually paid to get that shit developed (and got doubles?). These must be from Italy, but I can’t remember from where or when.

LOOK AT THAT BROAD!!! I need to frame this. It’s too good to not be in a frame. That lady must have been such an icon.

There was this one night in particular where I can remember having a huge fight with Sharon and screaming, “I’M GOING OUT WITH SOME OF THE PEOPLE FROM THE GROUP AND YOU CAN JUST STAY HERE IN THE ROOM AND ROT!” because she was such a stick in the mud when it came to socializing with other people on the tour with us, but I think that was a night from the last trip she and I took together (the ONE WITH STEFAN LOL) and I’m also pretty sure we were in Lucerne when I went off with some of the other people and I felt like an actual grown-up. (I think I was probably 17.)

Sometimes it’s surreal to me when I come across these old pictures or have a quick flashback of some vignette from a foreign city. It was so long ago but also feels like no time has passed.

I’m eternally grateful that I was given these opportunities to explore such beautiful, historical places as a kid, but I would definitely prefer to experience it again now as an adult, with Henry and Chooch. Sharon was…oof.

(Oh, I’m sure there will still be fighting, though lol.<
)

NO ONE ASKED, but I’m doing it anyway because my life is dreary and rollercoasterless right now.

You guys, riding roller coasters has been like, therapy-adjacent for me over the last several years.  It is maybe the most dorkiest thing I have going on and I truthfully do not give a single shit because falling down the rabbit hole of coaster manufacturers and CoasterTube has been SO MUCH FUN and truly elevated the experience of riding roller coasters in general. Like, before my first ride on T-Express at Everland in 2018, I was a casual coaster rider at best. I was definitely more into dark and flat rides.

I can’t believe that prior to 2018, I had no idea what Rocky Mountain Construction was. OR EVEN B&M. I don’t even think I knew who manufactured Steel Phantom/Phantom’s Revenge, let alone knowing that there were TWO manufacturers!

And just like Kpop, this is something that we all enjoy as a family (well….Chooch is not so into Kpop anymore but still likes Korea in general).

2022 was full of so many coasters, and new-to-us parks, too! Henry and I even went to parks just the two of us numerous times too, like on a date kind of! (Kennywood 3x, Cedar Point, Waldameer.)

Before I get into the coasters, here’s a list of all the parks we went to in 2022:

• Busch Gardens Williamsburg
• Seaworld Orlando
• Universal Studios Islands of Adventure
• Busch Gardens Tampa
• Fun Spot Orlando
• Fun Spot Kissimmee
• Carowinds
• Kennywood (at least 7x I feel like?)
• Cedar Point (3x)
• Six Flags New England
• Waldameer
• Michigan’s Adventure
• Sylvan Beach
• Morey’s Piers
• Six Flags Great Adventure
• Hershey
• Mt. Olympus
• Six Flags Great America
• Dollywood

I *think* that’s all of them!

And now for my Top Coaster Experiences of the year! I’m considering the whole entire experience, not just “wow this is the greatest coaster ever” because if we’re being honest, Steel Vengeance is probably still my #1 coaster but EVERY EXPERIENCE TRYING TO RIDE THE FUCKER HAS BEEN MISERABLE. First of all, it’s located in one of the busiest parks in the country so the wait time is always absurd. Second, it’s a maintenance nightmare. Almost EVERY SINGLE TIME WE HAVE BEEN IN LINE FOR THIS, IT HAS BROKEN DOWN.

So no, Steel Vengeance will not be on this list. And it really breaks my heart!!

In no particular order, other than maybe the order in which they were ridden, here is my list with POVs!!

1. Pantheon – Busch Gardens Williamsburg: I literally tried to tell this story to anyone who would listen when we came back from the trip. My mom totally cut me off when I tried talking about it the night we had cake for Chooch’s birthday because I guess she thinks this shit is so boring, lol. BUT NOT YOU, BLOG. Anyway, Pantheon had only been open for about a month when we rode it and you might think, “You ran all the way to this ride, almost passed out, only to be told it was down for testing and then proceeded to wait for 2 hours in line waiting for it to open, how was this a good experience?” IT.JUST.WAS. It made that first ride (first train of the day, front row!) so much more meaningful and memorable. We became pals with the ride ops, shared knowing laughs with the other people in line with us, collected inside jokes like Pokemon. It was such a highlight of our spring break trip and the coaster itself is PHENOMENAL. There is nothing else like it.

2. MAKO – Sea World Orlando: You guys is this my favorite hyper? I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE?!!? Hilariously, we thought this was Chooch’s 150th or 200th (I forget) coaster but of course his spreadsheet was wrong and it ended up being some kid coaster, lol. Anyway, this is making the list because toward the end of the night, the ride attendants let us stay on for like 3x in a row (and we probably could have cycled this even longer but dumb Henry was waiting for us off-ride because it was time to leave ugh).

3. VELOCICOASTER – UNIVERSAL: Yeah, this is a top 5 / top 3 coaster for me, fam. It is pretty much flawless. The queue was LIKE A WELL-OILED MACHINE, it kept people moving through so smoothly. The locker system? Mwah. The theming? Perfection. THE RIDE ITSELF? MIND-BLOWING. This was one of the coasters I was legit worried about when planning this trip because I thought for sure the lines would be out of control, but the longest we waited for this was probably 45 minutes. We rode it MULTIPLE times, front row, back row, in the morning, afternoon, night. Every single ride was ridiculous. Speechless. Believe the hype.

4. Iron Gwazi – Busch Gardens Tampa: Our spring break trip was really so fucking hype, I still think about it all of the time, especially this RMC MASTERPIECE. Ask me on a certain day and I might just say that this is my favorite coaster, not Steel Vengeance. (Actually, it’s neither of them because something changed for me this year and we will get to that shortly!) This coaster blew my mind. I can’t even explain it but I want to make a pilgrimage to Idaho and kneel at the feet of everyone inside the RMC headquarters. Honestly. It’s crazy because this POV looks like it runs so slow but in actuality it feels like this thing is trying to fucking kill you. Like, it has no right to do the shit it does.

5. Great White – Morey’s Piers: You guys. Riding an iconic wooden coaster that literally goes out over the beach in Wildwood, while Morey’s Piers is closed to the general public, and the only light is courtesy of the fucking moon? Uh, yes this is going to make it in my Top Whatever List of 2022. SUCH A VIBE.

6. El Toro – Six Flags Great Adventure:  Our luck with El Toro has been awful but three times was definitely the charm last August when we went to Great Adventure and FINALLY got to ride this. NUMEROUS TIMES. Honestly? This coaster was not even running to its potential* but it was STILL a crazy-good experience. Painful? OH FUCK YEAH. I had a wicked bruise on my elbow for days after. But true coaster psychopaths ride this bitch. The ride ops are fucking nuts. The station is CHAOS. Every fucking moment I spent on this thing was an experience. I will never ever ever forget the madness of musical seats, fighting to get a spot on the last train of the night. It was us and our people. Every single motherfucker in that station that night was CRAZY. I felt crazy, too! I had so much adrenaline from these cycling night rides that it was hard for me to even go to sleep that night. What an experience.

*(it actually got shut down ONE WEEK LATER after a bunch of riders got injured when it hit a POTHOLE in the track, way to care for your rides and patrons, Six Flags. I hope that Six Flags does the right thing and fixes this baby so that it can reopen and provide SAFE RIDES like Intamin intended. Also, I should note that this is basically the sister coaster to T-Express in Korea, the coaster that turned me into an enthusiast!!)

OK and now for my KING, my BAE, my OPPA. I truly believe this is my forever #1, especially after this season.

PHANTOM’S REVENGE. HOMEPARK PRIDE. I have raved about this steel god enough times on here that you have to know by now. I want out of town friends to visit me so that I can take them here and make them ride this because it is SHEER JOY and there is no other coaster like this in the world. It makes nearly every enthusiast’s Top 20/Top 50 list and it makes me so proud.

It just never gets old. The track is now purple, but here is an older POV. It doesn’t do this thing an ounce of justice.

Well, that’s all for today! Please, if you feel like it, tell me what your favorite coasters are! What’s your home park? Favorite park? Best coaster memory? I love reading these things!

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The Blogging Manual tells me that this is the time to reflect on the past year and do recaps out of pure narcissistic indulgence. I’m off work today and it’s dreary outside, so why not?! We’ll talk about my favorite road trips in this one, and perhaps later I’ll come back and tell you about my favorite coaster experiences?!

2022 was pretty decent. Covid has definitely made me appreciate every little thing, and that mentality really boosted my feelings toward the trips we took last year, even the ones that maybe someone would look at and deem as “so mid” because it wasn’t a tropical locale or Europe, but an amusement park in the upper mitt of Michigan or some strange small town in Indiana.

Anyway, here are some of my favorite trips from 2022, in no particular order except that the Spring Break Trip is totally uncontested as #1:

• The Spring Break Roller Coaster Trip: For a trip that ended up being a last minute Plan B to the Plan A itinerary that would have had us going through Texas and Missouri, this ended up being the week that I relied on in my memories to get me through shitty days. It was jam-packed with some of the most fun days I have ever had as an adult, and we even mostly got along famously as a family, which is unheard of when you put the three Oh Honestlys in a car together for any length of time. This had us going through Virginia, where we spent a day at Busch Gardens Williamsburg, and then the bulk of the trip had us in Florida for Universal Studios Islands of Adventure, Sea World Orlando, Fun Spot Orlando, Busch Gardens Tampa, and Fun Spot Kissimmee. We spent a day in St. Augustine before continuing on home, making a pit stop at Carowinds in North Carolina, and then Kennywood for opening weekend the day we got home. It was action-packed, exhilarating, and supremely fun. I loved that trip so much!!!

• Michigan for Bill & Jessi Time!: With vaccinations and boosters making things sort of more safe (???), I was desperate to see some of my friends, especially the ones who live outside of Pittsburgh. Bill and Jessi are those friends who you can pick right back up with after years of not seeing them and it’s like no time has passed at all. It was SO GOOD to see them after all these years (I think 2018 was the last time??) and were so appreciative that they made time for us. I especially loved exploring Ypsilanti with them! I’m hoping that we can host them again here in Pittsburgh soon. I have wanted to take them to the Bayernhof for years now because I think they would appreciate the kitschy vibes and feel like we would have a hilarious time there! Or the Mattress Factory?!?! They have been here to visit us so many times but it’s usually for Chooch’s birthday parties so we never really get to show them around that much.

• New Hampshire for Alyson & Ryan Shenanigans!: I hadn’t seen Alyson IRL since 2014 and after years of writing “Hopefully next year we’ll get to hang out again!” in all of my Xmas cards, I knew it was time to finally get serious about it. Perspective is wild, man. I don’t want to waste any more time not seeing my friends!! I was so glad that Alyson and her husband Ryan were game for a hangout. One of the weekends that were free for them happened to be my birthday weekend! Chooch was in Mexico at the time and I knew that staying here for my birthday would be utterly depressing. Dude, not only was it amazing to see Alyson again  (I freaking cried!), but meeting Ryan was wonderful! What a chill, kind man! We had the best conversations, delicious food (they made me soondubu jjigae for my birthday dinner!!!), leisurely nature walks, hilarious diner hangouts…it was amazing. I think this feeling was what that dumb Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul book means?!

• The Slickly-Planned Excuse to Meet Two Members of Chooch’s Mexico Squad: I originally had several other ideas for Labor Day Weekend, but then while Chooch was in Mexico, he became part of a “squad,” and some of those kids live near Chicago. Also near Chicago is a Six Flags that we had never been to, and also kind of near there is Wisconsin Dells, the place I have wanted to go to ever since Henry and I drove through it on our way home from a music festival in 2004ish and had a huge-ass fight because we were broke AF back then and he said “NO WE CANNOT STOP HERE, WE ARE DRIVING STRAIGHT HOME!” and then I made him pull over so I could sit in the back because I didn’t want to be near him anymore. Sounds so unlike me, I know. I was v. immature back then.

• Six Flags New England for Memorial Day!: Another new-to-us park! We hadn’t been to Massachusetts since….2013? I  think? Granted, we didn’t do much of anything there aside from the park, but we did some time in parts of Connecticut, and I got to hand-free a chipmunk in the Black Squirrel Park!! We had a lot of fun at Six Flags though and it was just nice being in a different area for once.

• WILDWOOD!!!!: This weekend was pretty insane. We went specifically for the Morey’s Piers Coastin’ By the Ocean coaster enthusiast event and it was SO MUCH FUN. But we also hit up Six Flags Great Adventure and Hershey Park on the way home. I won’t say it was the perfect weekend because I felt 100% sleep-deprived and had a ton of moody moments at Morey’s, and Hershey was soooo mid as usual, but there were still more bright spots at Wildwood to counteract the mood swings, and Great Adventure ended up being FUCKING AMAZING after we had two so-so visits in the past.

There were so many other little weekend trips that happened and they were all wonderful! We went to Cedar Point twice, the aforementioned Indiana Beach, Newark twice which is not that great BUT we went for Stray Kids and NCT127 concerts so that made it 100% worthwhile, and Dollywood! I have to give Henry credit (grudgingly, of course) because these trips are not the least bit leisurely. There is so much driving involved and to be honest, I do not help with that very much lol. And then once we get to the destination, it’s non-stop running around theme parks, making strategic plans to beat crowds, getting totally busted on wooded coasters. It is A LOT and I am truly so lucky that Henry is ok with this kind of chaotic lifestyle. I mean, I don’t want to BRAG, but I think I kind of have a fun family. :)

I also want to include the aforementioned “Chooch’s Mexico Trip” here even though I wasn’t there because it was so cool living vicariously through him, waiting for CIEE Instagram and email updates, trying to piece things together by visiting (NOT STALKING LOL) the friends he made on Instagram. I’m just sincerely relieved and grateful that Henry and I were able to make this happen for him, although Chooch did most of it on his own by getting an academic scholarship. Plus, he got a transferrable college credit out of it, and an A in the Spanish course he was taking while there, so I whole-heartedly feel that it was worth it even though I was scared to death of sending him to another country alone, as a 16-year-old, during a pandemic. I think this is something that he will keep close to his heart for the rest of his life, even though if I say this to him right now, he’ll probably vomit and ask me why I’m suddenly saying “sincere mom things.”

I don’t think I ever recapped his last week there because by the  time CIEE sent the email update with pictures, he was already home and showing me the “real” pictures and regaling us with stories about the Girls Gone Wild-type shit that was going down behind the scenes. One of the girls got kicked out and lost her college credit because she was sneaking out to go to clubs and then skipping class, lol.

Chooch already had a hearty lust for travel but this definitely solidified that in him. He is obsessed with geography, and has memorized every country on the map along with their flags, just for funsies. I hope he studies abroad in college, too!

****

Hopefully, 2023 will be full of more trips, big and small! I always hesitate to put things out there because of my ever-present fear of JINXING myself (looking at you, Euro Coaster Trip 2020 that was corona-canceled, lol), but we do have a big trip planned for next August with Coaster Crew. They’re doing a 9-day Nordic trip full of amusement parks in Denmark, Norway, and Sweden. We have already been paying into that so hopefully it happens!  I take nothing for granted anymore, though.

If you read this whole dumb thing, thank you for being a real one and I hope your 2023 is full of all the best things! If anything, this post got me to crack down on my category / blog post organization so I think everything is now properly filed away for easier access?! Blogging is tough.

The first time we went to Tennessee was back in 2011, with our good friends Bill and Jessi, who invited us to tag along on their vacation and subsequently causing us to fall in love with the area! The three of us woke up early one morning in an attempt to do some mountain shit. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I think the sole reason was because my beloved Roadside America app had suggested a place called Clingman’s Dome and it sounded super spacey and weird, so I wanted to do it. I mean, it was only an overlook thing that required a mild hike to reach, but it was still something to do.

I just had no idea that Chooch was going to have such an adverse reaction to this area! He was throwing such a huge fit (“My legs hurt!” “I’m tired!” “CARRY ME, WAH!”) that we were sincerely afraid he was going to alert any neighboring bears to our presence (though I imagine they’d probably have fled the opposite direction, take me with you, bears).

I was cruising through my old Flickr album for the 2011 trip last week, to stoke the nostalgia for our upcoming return, and when I saw the below picture, I thought, “Golly, gosh darn, wouldn’t it be a real barrel of laughs to recreate this shot with Chooch who is now 16 and taller than both of us?”

I posted it on Instagram as sort of an interest check but also to put it out there so that Chooch and Henry would have less room to decline my latest demand. I love doing that to them. “BUT I ALREADY TOLD THE INTERNET!”

We went to breakfast first on Monday with the intention of then driving straight up into the Smokies. EXCEPT GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS. The fucking ONLY ROAD that takes you into the mountains was CLOSED. I went into a tailspin over this. Henry immediately pulled into the Smoky Mountain Visitors Center while I basically cried and Chooch sardonically murmured, “Aw, that’s too bad. I was really looking forward to having  my picture taken. Shucks.” Henry was checking the GPS for alternatives but there was NOTHING. The GPS map even showed that the road was blocked off! The day before, there were high winds in the area so Henry guessed that probably a lot of branches and debris were covering the road and needed to be swept off.

I DIDN’T CARE! I JUST WANTED THE STUPID ROAD TO BE OPEN!

“Go inside the info building and ask them when it will open!” I wailed.

“They’re not going to know,” Henry mumbled, looking for something shiny to distract me.

THAT IS LITERALLY THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF AN INFORMATION CENTER, TO HAVE PEOPLE INSIDE THAT ARE PROVIDING INFORMATION!

I was just about to lose my mind when I glanced at the GPS map and noticed that the “ROAD CLOSED” thingie was no longer showing up on the map, so I whipped around to look out the rear window at the actual road and sure enough, the barricades had been removed!

I was screaming! Henry and Chooch were sighing!

The drive to Clingman’s Dome took about 30 minutes or so but it was so nice because hardly anyone was on the road. I think only about 3 cars had made it in front of us when the road opened so it was as nature intended.

What a huge difference from Saturday, that’s for sure. I believe only 2 cars were already in the parking lot of Clingman’s Dome trail as opposed to the 50+ plus the line of traffic going down the mountain that we ran into on Saturday. Has an empty parking lot ever been so beautiful.

Unforch, another big difference was that the weather on Saturday was BEAUTIFUL, sunny and totally hoodie weather. But on this day, it was drizzling/snow-misting, windy AF, and around 30 degrees (but felt like 20 degrees).  Chooch of course was only wearing a hoodie over his t-shirt, AND SHORTS, and Henry and I just had on light jackets. This was 100% hat and gloves conditions, people.

But I wasn’t leaving without the damn picture, so we set off onto the trail at the same as an Indian family. We had only been walking for about 3-5 minutes when we all collectively realized that, “HOLY SHIT, THIS IS THE SPOT.” I mean, it was pretty much exactly the same, even the log was still there. And then I started cracking up because you’d have thought we’d had been legit hiking the side of a rugged mountain for hours the way Chooch was reacting in 2011. But nope – just three minutes!

I pulled out the camera to take the shot, BUT HENRY BROUGHT THE WRONG LENS. So, this time it was me throwing a tantrum and Henry angrily stormed off to retrieve the correct lens. Meanwhile, three of the older members of the Indian family had cried UNCLE and were making their way back. One of them stopped and kindly asked if we needed help and I said, “Oh, no thank you. We’re just waiting for—-” and I blanked, not knowing how to refer to Henry!? “—our friend.”

He nodded and kept walking, but honestly, I’m sure Chooch and I looked like suspish hooligans, loitering on the side of the trail like we had just found a geocache of drugs and gold bars and Elvis’s molar.

Henry came back, jammed the lens into my person, furiously shrugged off his jacket, lifted Chooch up over his shoulder, and hoarsely hissed, “TAKE THE FUCKING PICTURE.”

I mean, it does look like the same spot, right?? I was actually shook that we found it.

Look at Henry so far ahead of us, lol. He was DONEZO after this. It’s been 5 days and he’s still bitching about his back pain. Oops. But, at least we made the memory!? RIGHT HENRY?

Oh shit, the hilarity of the comparison of these two pictures carried me through most of the drive home. I just kept going back and looking at it and cracking the hell up. I want to say that I can’t believe they went through with this, but c’mon.

I knew that they would.

You knew that they would.

They knew that they would.

Pardon moi if I have already mentioned this, but last winter, the new jackass priest at the church across the street put up a sign prohibiting people from parking in the church lot overnight. This presented an issue because that’s where a bunch of us on this block parked because our street is notorious for hit-and-runs. I mean, if you’ve even casually read this blog or followed me on Instagram over the years, you have probably known about at least one incident. In fact, Henry was even interviewed about this on the local news!

As you can see in the picture below, there are two driveways for four duplexes to share. House #3 has two residents and SIX cars. SIX!!! Two of them are FREE CANDY vans that don’t run and are just rusting in the back, a minivan that used to be permanently parked in the church lot was moved behind House #1, one was being stored in the garage of House #2 while the house was vacant, and then two of them are actually used daily.

The people who live in House #7 are just as bad. One of their cars is literally a Yellow Cab minivan. They also had a bunch of cars that were broken down and being “stored” in the lot across the street, in addition to someone’s extremely noisy work van (we’ll get to this in a second), so it’s actually no wonder the priest flipped his shit.

OK, now please familiarize yourself with the cast of characters as detailed below:

1. Multi-unit house not affiliated with our set of duplexes (they have a different landlord). Residents include Chooch’s friend Marky who lives there with his grandparents, some older lone guy who recently broke his knee and fell in front of our house at 1am after getting out of the hospital and Chooch, unbeknownst to us, went out to assist him; a…strange older couple who we never have had any interaction with but Hot Naybor Chris refers to them as Johnny Cash and Buttcrack (her ass crack really does make an absurd amount of appearances). For the sake of brevity, we will henceforth refer to them as JC & BC.
2. There used to be a couple from Kentucky who lived here and the cops were there so much, they should have been helping with rent. Tons of domestic issues. They were smoking with Marky’s mom and stepdad one night and caught their couch on fire. The husband reminded me of Johnny Craig. Anyway, they’re gone and now Rob* is moving in.
3.  HNC and his wife who hates the squirrels and is the Pioneer parking dictator.
4. The coolest people on the street!
5. Henry’s older son Blake and his fam.
6. Two older brothers. One is George and I don’t know the other guy’s name. They are nice enough but they did have an Oz sign in their yard for this last election, so. I think the daughter of one of them lives there too? She owns a boutique on the Boulevard and seems cool. They also have a cool dog named Zeus. Overall, no issues with these people but we also keep our distance all the same.
7. Chooch’s nemesis Larry and his wife. She seems sane. I think she is also somehow related to one of the brothers next door to them? Daughter, maybe? I also think that their young adult son and/or daughter has been living there too?
8. IDK, seem normal, no interaction
9. IDK, seem normal, no interaction but it’s worth mentioning that this is the unit where my favorite ex-neighbor ROBIN used to live.
10. Jackie’s house, has been there since before I moved in back in 1999. Not a rental unit. At this point, me, Jackie, and two other non-rental houses on the other side of her are the OGs of the block.
11. The yellow lines that HNC’s wife had painted on the curb because she can’t pull out of the driveway if people park too close. If you park over the yellow lines, she will call the police on you. She did that to one of my old neighbors, but that was probably also because she was black. Sigh.

*OK, we’ll start this with a backstory about ROB. When I moved here in 1999, Rob and Jackie were married and had a son named Brandon. I think Brandon was somewhere between 10-12 and he was a little punk, if we’re being honest. I was 20 when I moved here and Brandon and some other neighbor kids glommed on to me IMMEDIATELY. I kind of became the resident babysitter, except that I wasn’t getting paid. But it wasn’t all that bad. I always had friends here with me and we would play with the kids in the yard. Brandon could be a super dick though and to this day, I am still convinced that he broke into my house through my basement in 2001 and stole an entire CD rack from my house. Even when I confronted Jackie about it, she didn’t deny it on his behalf, just said that if he did it, she unfortunately had not seen any of the CDs in her house. I was actually JUST thinking about this other day too when the whole Hoobstank topic came up because the night I was robbed, I was at the Dave Navarro show at Metropol and Hoobastank opened for him. I was with my friend Wonka and as we were leaving, the singer of Hoobastank (they were not well-known at all yet, no radio “hits”) was handing out samplers. Never one to pass up a CD sampler, I of course took one and I went to walk away, the singer called out, “Wait! Don’t you want me to sign it?” So that is why I have a signed Hoobastank CD in my collection, OK? God.

Then Dave Navarro said hello to me and let me take his picture as he was getting into his car and I floated home on Cloud Nine….only to see that the glass of my basement window had been broken.

Meanwhile, Brandon’s dad was the Street Drunk. Everyone knew Rob. He’d get hammered and like, stand in the middle of the road naked. There was this one story I had heard about how he was getting on a plane shortly after 9/11 and started screaming about terrorists and had to be dragged off the plane.

Rob and Jackie live far enough down the street that I haven’t had much interaction with them over the years, but Jackie has always been very kind to me and we still say hello to each other in passing. I have to laugh though because there used to be a kid that lived next to her who Chooch and Marky used to play with and for some reason they would always go in Jackie’s backyard and then she would yell at them. Chooch haaaates her to this day and calls her The Witch but if you ask me, this was just karma for all the times her dumb kid would darken my doorstep.

I guess it was about a year ago, I kept noticing that Rob was in and out of Larry’s house (House #7). I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but it somehow came up in conversation when Henry was talking to HNC one day that Jackie had kicked Rob out and gotten a restraining order against him SO HE MOVED IN WITH LARRY. Oh, I bet Jackie fucking loved that, still having to see his ass every day.

So then the NEW PARKING DECREE was issued and Rob, no longer having a driveway, had to start squeezing his noisy-ass work van onto the  street. Now, this is city parking and no one can “claim” that a particular space is theirs, as much as they want to. Most people just bitch about it quietly but NOT HNC’S WIFE. All it took was Rob parking his van ONE TIME in front of HER HOUSE for her to straight-up threaten him with a baseball bat. I’m not joking – it was a whole fucking confrontation and I have it on video. This was in April.

Things got pretty quiet on the parking front for a while. In fact, I eventually realized one day over the summer that I hadn’t seen Rob’s van in a while so I figured he must have moved, but then I quickly moved on because I didn’t actually care that much.

Two weeks ago, Henry and I were getting in the car to leave and HNC was fiddling around with one of his broken rapist vans. I asked him how he was doing and he groaned, “Oh just lovely. I’m getting a new neighbor. DEAD ROB.”

“Dead Rob?” I asked, not following.

“Yeah, you know, Rob from down there? He died then came back?* Anyway, his mom up to died and he sold her house and now he’s moving in next door to me.”

*(UM NO I DIDN’T KNOW THIS??? I GUESS THAT’S WHY HE DISAPPEARED FOR A WHILE? WAS HE IN REHAB OR SOMETHING?)

“I haven’t told Ruth yet,” Chris went on. “She’s not going to be happy.”

Then I immediately remembered their April altercation and had to chew on the inside of my cheek to keep from squealing. I managed to wait until Henry and I  pulled out of the driveway before LEGIT CACKLING over this. If you don’t know, HNC’s wife is like Pioneer Enemy #1. There is not a person on this street who has not suffered her wrath. I try very hard to tread lightly even though I want to confront her so bad every time she calls the squirrels bastards.

So HNC had to remove his spare car from the empty house’s garage since IT AIN’T EMPTY ANYMORE, FRIEND, and now street parking got a bit trickier because Rob has two cars that he needs to park on the street since HNC takes up the entire bottom of the driveway (we’re so privileged and grateful that he cleared enough space for us to park our two cars, thanks so much for providing us with space that we’re already entitled to according to our lease, but mmmm).

If you please go back up and refer to my handy illustration, you will see that there is a WHITE CAR parked in front of HNC’s house, owned by Johnny Cash and Buttcrack. Now, legend has it that HNC asked them nicely to kindly start parking their car farther up the street, more toward their own house, so that HNC can park the car that he actually does drive in front of his own house. Allegedly, they said they would and I guess they did so one or two times, but then reverted back to parking in front of HNC’s house. HNC says it’s because they like the convenience of this spot in that it enables them to more easily make a U-turn when leaving? This is such a wild rationale to me. I mean, that reason just seems dumb.

So HNC (or Ruth, I dunno – I wasn’t there) had to ask them again. Now, this is where things get curious to me because whatever happened next caused JC and BC to go over to HNC’s house on Monday afternoon. I was sitting at my desk working and Henry had just walked out the door to go to THE STORE when he called me and said, “JC and BC just walked up to Ruth’s house, get ready.” So of course I whirled around to look out the window. From my vantage, I couldn’t see JC because he must have been too close to Ruth’s front door, but I could see BC, who was standing on the sidewalk casually slurping on what appeared to be a milkshake.

Then I heard GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! *SLAM* GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! *ANOTHER SLAM* and then JC & BC retreated. Henry had just reached our car in the lot (we still park there during the day until the sign changes and says that we can’t) and said that he turned around in time to see JC lurching and slurring (Henry’s imitation of this was priceless, honestly) and Ruth slamming the door. “I guarantee she calls the cops,” Henry said when he called me again from the car.

Several minutes later, cop shows up. I was desperately trying to hear what was being said but there is never a reprieve from the traffic on this fucking street. But I could tell that Ruth was crying and she was obviously explaining the parking situation to the cop. Then the cop walked over to JC’s house. Henry was home at this point, and I said, “Fuck it, I’m going out there.” I mean, I wanted to know. And I didn’t want to rely on whatever secondhand nonsense HNC was going to give to Henry later.

Ruth was fucking shaking on her porch when I walked over. Rob, in the process of moving in, also came over to comfort her, which I thought was decent considering she had just threatened him with a baseball bat six months ago. But then as he walked away, she looked at me and said with total contempt in her tone, “And you know where HE came from” and pointed down the street toward Larry’s house. I’m actually surprised she didn’t spit at him as he was walking away. Good ol’ Ruth.

But then she went back to be being shook and told me the story:

She was in the kitchen baking a pumpkin pie (this was a key element to the story, apparently, because I have heard her tell the story so many times now and it always starts out this way) when she heard a light tapping. She assumed it was Rob hanging up pictures next door. Then suddenly, JC is storming into her house, lurching at her and slurring angrily (her imitation of this sounded just like Henry’s, like someone who had just woken up from oral surgery had immediately gone to a haunted house and was trying to scream with a mouthful of gauze and novacaine. She said that the only reason her door was even unlocked was because her daughter was on her way over. And I get it, a Monday afternoon, broad daylight, you don’t really think twice about unlocking your door in preparation for someone’s arrival. I can’t fault her for that.

But how fucking horrific, to be in your kitchen, listening to the radio and baking a pie, when some fucking drunk derelict comes bursting into your house?? And I am in no way condoning this, but it begs the question….what was the actual impetus of this? Like, what EXACTLY was said to them over this stupid parking situation that caused the guy to be that angry (he also seems a bit off too, to be frank) that he is going to walk right into your house when you don’t answer?!

There are missing pieces here. Or…maybe he’s just that fucking weird that this seemed OK to him??

Anyway, the cop came back over at this point, so I excused myself and went back into my house.

“WAS ROB HOLDING A SHOT GUN???” Henry asked me.

“No, it was like, a vaccuum cleaner from the 80s,” I clarified, and that became my favorite part of the whole debacle. I can’t explain it, but I get big Beetlejuice vibes from Rob and him loitering on his porch with a vaccuum nozzle while in the middle of a neighborhood dispute is exactly the image I want to use on the imaginary cover for the straight-to-video VHS tape of this volume of the Pioneer Tales.

After the cop left, I went back over to Ruth’s because I genuinely felt bad and wanted to give her my number in case anything like that happened again. She invited me in and went through the whole ordeal again in depth and man, the image I have in my head of this weirdo pushing his way into her house, ugh. Shudder City.

A short while later came another explosion of expletives outside. I looked out the window just in time to see Ruth’s daughter Ashley rushing through the yard, screaming, “IF YOU FUCK WITH MY MOM AGAIN, I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU” as her husband was trying to hold her back. Then about an hour later, ANOTHER screaming match happened. I tried to get this on video but of course, fucking traffic and also there is no good vantage point from the inside of my house to be able to capture what goes on over on that side of the yard. But this time it sounded like both Ashley and her husband and both JC and BC were screaming threats and insults at each. Ashley and her husband kept sneering at them for being alcoholics and saying things like, “I can smell the booze on your breath from over here!” and then the cops showed up again, this time because JC called them and said he was assaulted by Ashley’s husband which I’m pretty sure is not accurate, but ok.

Later that night, Henry and I were telling Chooch about everything he missed when he was at work. I was reminded of the time when I first moved in and there was a guy named Paul who lived in House #5. People were constantly mistaking my house for Paul’s, peering into my window and calling out, “PAUL!” and I’m like, “Nope, next house.” Paul was basically like an eternal frat boy and was probably definitely selling drugs too, because he was very popular and always had people coming in and out. I told Chooch about the time that I had just gotten into bed for the night and stupid Jeff, my then-boyfriend, hadn’t shut the front door all the way which I found out when we were laying in bed and heard the front door open.

Then, footsteps.

The fridge opening.

Beer bottles clanking as they’re being put into the fridge.

Then, footsteps on the stairs.

Jeff, manly as he was, was straight-up cowering behind me in bed.

“Paul?” a stranger’s voice called out from the midway point of the steps.

“No, wrong house,” I replied.

“Oh fuck, I’m so sorry!”

Footsteps more frantic now, fridge door opening, beer bottles being removed, front door closes.

“Oh my god!” Chooch said.

“Yeah, it was scary and weird,” I laughed. Because I wasn’t murdered that night, so I can laugh.

There was also this one time when I had several friends over and we were all sitting outside drinking some shitty Smirnoff Ice probably, when some people got out of a car and started walking down my sidewalk toward my porch. We were all sitting on the sidewalk and these randos just like, stepped over us and kept walking.

“Watch this,” I mouthed to my friends, and then counted down 3….2….

The randos walked right onto my porch and opened my front door.

“Wrong house!” I called over my shoulder. “Paul lives down there.”

Paul still lived there by the time Henry had moved in with me, so he is also aware of this legendary part of Pioneer’s past. We shared some more Paul stories with Chooch and then briefly wondered whatever happened to him.

And then the next day, this happened?!

Highly doubt they were trying to reach THAT Paul, but still spooky!

I was telling some co-workers about this and how you know, once Paul moved away, random strangers stopped walking into my house and BOY, SO GLAD ABOUT THAT, DOT DOT DOT.

PART 2, TOMORROW.

My brother Corey and I were traipsing down Memory Lane the other day when I referenced the time that my childhood best friend and I were “professional junior bridesmaids.

” Corey was like, “Whoa whoa whoa, back up.  I don’t remember this??” To his credit, he was like 2 years old at the time and too concerned with drinking “strawbeddy” milk to notice his teenage sister walking down aisles in pink taffeta.

(Was it taffeta?)

(Do I even know what taffeta is?)

As I was filling in the missing pages of this chapter of the Kelly Family Story for him, it made me realize how actually fucking ridiculous this whole thing was. Let me tell you about it.

The year was 1992. My aunt Susie was planning a wedding with her fiance, Mark (he was fucking awesome, btw, and played in a cover band called Le Chic!). I don’t know whose idea it was, but I somehow got locked in as “junior bridesmaid.” And because my BFF Christy was basically an honorary family member to the point where my Pappap once offered to take her to Europe with us but her parents said no (I was sad!), she was also offered a supporting role in The Wedding.

If you’re reading this and you know me personally, you will remember that this was basically the impetus of what would become a lifelong fear of food / eating disorder / etc. for me because I was a preteen FATTY and my grandma made sure I was aware of it. God forbid I should ruin Susie’s wedding with my fat ass registering seismic activity as I Stay Puft’d my cankles down the aisle. So this was also the year that I became exercise-obsessed too. I was on Slim Fast (yep, at 11! Ask me about the lingering effects that had on my psyche) and working out with Denise Austin and Gilad every day. I remember feeling awesome at the last fitting when my dress had to be taken in, but also thinking that I was still fat.

Speaking of the FITTING, some memories I have of that:

• being pissed because the adults got to drink champagne;
• obviously hating Susie’s choice of dress for us (and let’s be honest, it was probably my grandma’s choice);
• the saleswoman’s name being Rosemary but calling her Rosethorn behind her back because she kept sticking us with pins;
• maniacally singing “Pop Pop Goes the Weasel” (some inexplicably popular pseudo-rap song that was v. popular in 1992?!) in the back of my grandma’s car after leaving the dumb bridal shop to the point where my grandma legit lost her shit and yelled at us. God first, I’m fat then I’m annoying on top of it all.

Fast forward to the wedding. I was 12 by then, I think?

Corey asked who even was in the wedding and all I could remember was Susie’s friend Lori was a Girl Scout (no, not like, in her youth – she was STILL a Girl Scout somehow? I can’t remember what the deal was but I know that Christy and I were majorly side-eyeing each other over this, back when we didn’t know that side-eyeing was a thing) and had once dated former Pgh Penguin Phil Borque but back when he was in the farm league.

Interestingly, my mom was not in the wedding party (she probably opted out because anything that puts even a background spotlight on her is not my mom’s jam) and either was Sharon, the eldest sister, but this is not shocking because Susie and Sharon hated each other.

Luckily, I found these pictures. I have no idea who any of those dudes are or the first lady, but the blond is my cousin Zita: former lingerie model and former girlfriend of former Red Wings Chris Chelios. Lots of hockey…connections in this wedding party.

Susie and Mark have since divorced but Susie is still married to that hairstyle. (Not even knocking her – that coif works for her. I literally can’t imagine her with any other hairstyle. It’s her signature!)

But where this gets kind of weird is that my cousin Zita’s brother Chris (also my cousin, obvi, but also has the distinction AND HONOR of being my godfather) was also slated to get married that year, two months after Susie. So he’s at the wedding with his fiancée, you know, and someone on that side of the family thought it would be adorable if Christy and I donned the dresses again for a second strut down the aisle, this time at the wedding of Chris and Laurie.

I mean, I barely knew Chris, if we’re being honest. Super nice guy, but our families didn’t like, hang out. And Christy CERTAINLY didn’t know him! But yeah, OK. Sure. This is normal. We will be in your wedding too! Wearing the same dresses! Knowing NO ONE in the wedding party!

This wedding was actually kind of fun though. I have a strong memory of getting into the limo after the ceremony to go to the reception. The wedding was at some really nice church downtown, I think? I don’t know, but the reception was at the Embassy Suites near the airport, and I remember it being fancy AF. So, we’re in the limo, right? And all the adults are popping the champers and just, you know, popping off in general too. And this one groomsman, he was really starting to get loose in the limo and the lips, and he looked at me, gestured at me with his sloshing glass, and said, “Your aunt Susie is A BITCH!” Christy and I were like, “Ooooooooooh!!!!!” Anyway, he went on to tell us that he was IN LOVE with her in high school I guess, and she broke his heart or something, I don’t know, but Christy and I were sure to report back to Susie on this later.

The other thing I will never forget about this wedding was that the bride’s younger brother looked like a young Mario Lemieux (hockey again) and Christy and I were LUSTING.

At the reception, we mostly just ran around letting everyone wonder who the fuck we were, but at one point Zita snagged us. She was with her then-boyfriend, some much-older rich guy. She joked that we would also have to be in their wedding. “It’s going to be in Bermuda! We’ll fly you there!”

They never got married, and Christy and I never got another gig as the Pinkies. Probably for the best considering NEITHER COUPLE made it to their 10th anniversary.

OMG when I unearthed this picture, I involuntarily lurched into full-body cackling. No, listen, Linda. Linda, listen. You have no idea the significance of this. June 1992, weekend road trip to Lake Chataugua for Liz’s birthday, accompanied by our other pal Kim; Liz’s parents and younger sister, Jane; and their golden retriever whose name I honestly cannot believe I momentarily forgot.

But before I tell you, can we first appreciate my denim shirt from Merry-Go-Round (probably, I’m assuming – that was my favorite place to shop in 1992 and also where I would later discover Cross Colors and Karl Kani and undergo a full-fledged lifestyle change which is something that probably doesn’t sound like me AT ALL), my TWA travel bag from a previous trip to Europe with my grandparents (UGH I WISH I STILL HAD THIS) with my vacation journal tucked like precious cargo in the front pocket, MY BANGS AND STUPID BUMP-THING THAT I ALWAYS DID (also, this was my SECOND PERM as if getting ONE PERM wasn’t enough for an entire lifetime and beyond), and in my hands is my Walkman which has one of two cassingles in it: “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men, or “Damn…” by Sophie B. Hawkins. When I say those are the only two songs I listened to over and over that weekend, I am being sincere and without an ounce of hyperbole, not even a spittle of exaggeration.

(OK, I also listened to the “Damn…” b-side A LOT too.

OK OK OK, so this picture cracked me up so hard because this was the day that my all-time favorite non-word was accidentally created.

Basically, Jane meant to say “probably,” but then she said “smrobably” instead. That’s it – that is the whole fucking story. Something that took exactly one second to enfold has made this much of a lasting impression on me that I THINK ABOUT IT SO OFTEN and even sometimes say it without even thinking! If I recall, Jane got pissed at some point because we wouldn’t stop saying “smrobably” and then she and Liz got in a fight about it and also this was the weekend that I learned what “unilateral” meant, through the context of Liz’s mom yelling at her for making unilateral decisions.

And then there was the whole PANOVISION debacle that is also something that I think of A LOT. Basically, it rained the whole time we were at Lake Chataugua so we decided to go to the movies at some point. I can’t remember what else was playing but it must have been really dumb stuff for us to unanimously agree to see Far and Away (or maybe it was just Liz who chose it and this was the impetus to the infamous unilateral decision dressing-down??), the very forgettable Cruise/Kidman movie.

Kim was like going off the rails, gushing about how this was going to be so exciting because it was filmed in PANOVISION, so then Liz and I were like stoked too and the whole time we were watching it, I kept waiting for something to happen? Like, something pano-y? BUT IT JUST LOOKED LIKE A REGULAR MOVIE!?!? Ever since then, I notice the stupid “Panovision” logo at the end of like, EVERY MOVIE IN EXISTENCE, and it reanimates my annoyance all over again.

I texted this Lake Chataugua picture IMMEDIATELY to Henry with the caption “smrobably” and he was like, “???” WHY, AFTER 21 YEARS, CAN HE STILL NOT ACCEPT THAT THIS IS BASICALLY A CORNERSTONE OF MY LINGUISITIC HISTORY, A STAPLE IN MY VOCAB.

(I think he’d like to put a staple in my tongue sometimes when I get on these smrobably kicks.)

OMG SHOULD I GET A SMROBABLY TATTOO. SMROBABLY.

(Wait, did we spell it “smrobably” or “smrobly”???)

I took a casual dive in the photo vault again the other night and this time landed in the Wildwood stash!

Always stoked to share pictures from the best time of my life, sigh.

My grandma looks like she actually loves me here! Probably because it was before I got fat, ugly, permed and braces.

(You think I’m kidding – lol.)

Dude. I have the most vivid memories of this boardwalk ball pit. I looked at this picture last night and literally felt like I was in the balls again. IN THE BALLS.

Being the most cute. Can you tell that Gizmo is in my lap!? Super quick back story: My aunt Sharon (mom’s oldest sister) never came to Wildwood with us. It was always just my immediate fam (ugh when RYAN was born and started tagging along) and my grandparents. But on the morning we were leaving for this particular summer’s trip to Wildwood, she presented me with a white box that had holes poked in it the top. She told me not to open it until we got there, and I was DYING, YO. Every time we hit a bump, whatever was inside would squeak and I was so certain it was alive.

This was the year that Gremlins had come out and Sharon had taken me to the theater to see it.

I was 4 and it was SCARY to me so we had to leave once the gremlin action started. But then I was like, “Never mind I want to go back” so she took me back to see it again and this time I made it through the whole thing and never walked out on another movie again until Dolores Claiborne in the 90s. (I was with my then-friend Keri and we were like, “Why isn’t this movie ending? How long is this movie?”)

I had Gremlins on the brain for a GOOD while that year and was 100% positive that Sharon had found me a motherfucking mogwai. I mean, it had to be that, right?

Well, technically it was, but man was I disappointed when we got to Wildwood and I ripped the lid off the box only to discover that it was not actually a living, breathing mogwai but a stuffed Gizmo that squeaked when shaken.

I clearly loved it though, considering he’s in like every picture of me on the piers, lol.

My mom looks very excited to be co-holding Gizmo.

LOL this would have been my dad’s first time at Wildwood with us. ALSO OMG BED BUGS! I have no recollection of ever playing that but certainly remember that it existed.

Happier times, haha.

This picture must have been the next year’s visit because that baby is RYAN UGH (j/k I like hm now) but I’m including it here because of my dad’s interesting early 80s attire. I can promise you that if we were able to pan out right now, you’d see that his shorts were essentially hot pants. And he probably had socks up to his knees.

Well, happy Friday! I’m about to go and erase this past week from my brain – it was long and annoying.

Today is my Pappap’s birthday. He passed away in 1996 and while I miss the HELL out of him every single day, I did eventually reach a point where I was able to stop crying about it at a pin drop and actually enjoy the memories I have.

I acquired a shit ton of photos from whenever we were cleaning out my grandparents house in 2016. I still haven’t hone through everything but I like to rummage through the boxes every now and then. I decided to do that tonight to get some photos of him to post on here and I ended up pulling out a stack from one of our vacations in 1990. I was so wrecked-looking for a long time as a kid and these pictures of me are awfully cringey but it’s time for me to stop caring about that because – well, who cares!

I’m glad this is the stack I drew because I have been thinking a lot lately as we plan our family trip for next summer about how my Pappap (and Aunt Sharon, also featured prominently in the upcoming photos) instilled a strong love of travel into my life. I think he would be happy to know that Chooch is here now and is exactly the same way. I think my Pappap would have been wild about Chooch, honestly.

Anyway, please enjoy this random collection of my brace-faced, knotty-maned, chubby-cheeked adolescent self; my Pappap and Sharon’s disdain for posing for the camera; and a lot of European locations, some that I can’t exactly pinpoint all these years later – sorry!

Get ready for some signature Sharon scowls…

On this trip, we did London, parts of France, Italy, Switzerland, and Germany, I believe. Maybe Amsterdam, too. I would have to consult my old vacation journals and they are in a large trunk which is a pain to open. So we’ll just have to pretend that my memory is tight.

To this day, when I think of the Spanish Steps, I think of the fanciest McD’s I’ve ever visited. I wonder if it’s still there/as nice?

!

I look like I’m crying but this was one of my favorite places when I was a kid, except that there were GIANT spiderwebs inside that bridge and that always scared me. I hope that I can go to Switzerland with Chooch (and Henry, I guess, lol) one day!

I guess Sharon must have taken this picture; I love it a lot.

That green was a choice.

I mean, I hate that I’m about to say this, but Shron really should have smiled more. She was so pretty. Also, seeing those coach buses in the background have me stoked for our summer 2023 trip that better fucking happen because we’ve already paid for some of it and I fucking swear to god there better not be another lockdown. It will be our first time as a family traveling with a group and I’m so excited because I love group tours!!

My pappap was probably ranting about how we had to pay for each pat of butter.

My grandma was a difficult person to travel with.

We’re probably walking off yet another ear-beating from my grandma here in Venice.

I wonder what he was talking about! That one lady is like, “NO FUCKING WAY, YA GOTTA BE SHITTIN’ ME!” in response to whatever tale had him gesticulating like so. You know how kids are always like SO BORED to be sitting with a bunch of adults at a dinner table? I was the opposite – I fucking loved sitting with my pappap because he always had interesting things to say, he always ended up being one of the most popular people on all of our trips, and I felt like A FUCKING GROWN-UP sitting there drinking my hot chocolate (which was usually disgusting Ovaltine in these hotel restaurants) with my plump pinky finger extended.

HNNNNGGGG.

Anyway, I’m glad I never burned these pictures in a hobo fire of shame and I think it’s time that some more of these old shots see the light of day. I was lucky to have had the opportunity to make these memories, even though they weren’t always as idyllic as you’d think. At the end of the day, it was time spent with my pappap and I will always treasure, today especially. Happy birthday, Pappap!!

If you’re reading this, would you like to see more vintage photo dumps like this? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS. Lol.

Henry, Chooch and I visited Castle Blood last weekend and had the most amazing time as always! It felt, to this dumbo blond anyway, to be even more challenging this season. If you don’t know, Castle Blood isn’t just your run-of-the-mill cheap jump-scare, blood&gore animatronics, chainsaw-finale haunted house. This place is full of the snarkiest collection of undead you will ever encounter at a haunted house. You don’t just get pushed through like sheep either – you stop in each and every room and have real interactions with the denizens, wherein you have to solve puzzles in order to earn one of three talismans.

I am blown away every year by the creative and ingenuity that goes into planning these challenges and the accompanying scripts. If ever you want to be knocked down a peg or five intellectually, this is the haunt for you! Some of these challenges have sincerely had me boarding the Struggle Bus straight to StüpVille, and this year was no exception. First of all, Chooch and I are too stubborn to work together so he kept taking over and wouldn’t listen to me, and then Dead Weight Henry just stood there contributing fuck all.

My eyeballs thought that this picture turned out OK at the time, but nope. Anyway, this is Chooch with one of our favorite denizens!

I still want to donate to have my name put on the crypt wall, but I haven’t decided what name I want to use. OHHONESTLY? APPLEDALE? It ain’t gon’ be ROBBINS, that’s for sure, lol.

Somehow, we managed to acquire all three talismans no thanks to Henry’s refusal to participate, Chooch’s bull-headedness, and my brain essentially shitting the bed. I am definitely starting to feel my age lately because I can’t retain simple instructions – someone tells me what to do in the simplest of terms, and I immediately have to turn to someone else and ask, “Wait, what am I supposed to do?” This happened a few weeks ago at another haunt where the ticket-ghoul told us to walk up the steps and do something and as soon as I got to teh second time, I hissed, “Wait, what?” and Chooch was like, “OMG are you kidding me.”

I was feeling extremely nostalgic after we left last Sunday so the next day, I pulled out my old haunted house journals and photo albums to collect some ancient artifacts. If my records are correct, the first time I went to Castle Blood was in 1996 with my mom and best friend Christy. It was one of the original locations, and I remember standing in line in a room full of horror movie memorabilia and autographed pictures of people in the biz like Tom Savini and George Romero (probably – my memory is not that grand anymore, remember? I JUST TOLD YOU).

This picture must have been from the second time we went, when my friend Lisa came and my mom’s friend Debbie. I really miss that shirt I’m wearing BUT NOT THAT HAIR CUT.

I’m cracking up at the fact that I actually took my 35mm camera with me to haunted houses in the 90s and the actors were, I guess, just like, “Yeah sure” when I would giddily ask to take their pictures.

That’s a whole mood.

We learned that for this season, the Castle has actually incorporated some of the old costumes, like this one, as a throwback!

My friend Chris has served in the role of Professor Scrye for 25 years now, so this picture is definitely from more than 25 years ago! I can’t believe how long I’ve been going to Castle Blood – so long that I have the honor of calling many of the denizens (including the famous Gravely Macabre) my actual real life friends. If you would have told me that when I was a teenager in the 90s, I would like, “DUDE, NO WAY!” and then put my yellow Aiwa Walkman back on, blasting a mixtape that no doubt had at least 9 Bone Thugs songs on it mixed in with Gino Vannelli.

Please enjoy some ticket stubs now.

I’m sure I must have missed a season or two, and I know that 2020 was definitely a sit-out for us (I can’t remember if they were even open – I think they were but I was scared to chance it), but I have been around for nearly every season, multiple moves, cast changes, and eventually even started going to the no-scare matinees once Chooch came onto the scene:

Baby’s First Castle Blood Walk-Thru!

Getting to attend the Friends and Family Event one years was basically my crowning achievement! I remember going to work and bragging about it and everyone was like, “Wow, you have such a charmed life.”

I will never ever ever ever shut up about Castle Blood. It’s such a unique and spooky alternative to the corporate haunts out there. If you are someone who loves haunted houses but can’t get any friends to go with you because they’re scared, please suggest this one to them because while it is spooky (it’s located in a former funeral home, for God’s sake), it leans more toward the gothic Addam’s Family vibe. You *will* get heckled and belittled by the undead residents, and you *will* have your intelligence put to the test (literally), but you will have so much doing it. Get some co-workers together for a team-building experience! Take your kids/neighbor’s kids/grandkids/random kid from the corner for the matinee event!

Just trust me. Go get your tickets here. And tell them that Oh Honestly Erin sent you! (But if you tell BORIS*, he probably won’t care!)

*(MY FAVE. HE IS SO MEAN TO ME AND I LOVE IT.)

You guys! Baby’s First Coaster Enthusiast Event! I was so giddy when we strode right past the “SURFSIDE PIER IS CLOSED FOR A PRIVATE EVENT” sign with the air of people who BELONG and went to the guest services counter to register. I couldn’t have imagined any place better to attend our first coaster event than at my beloved Morey’s Piers! I had watched some videos from coaster YouTubers who attended this event in the past and it just looked so cool and casual.

Immediately, one of the Morey’s guys called out to me from behind the counter, “Are you the reason I keep seeing those shirts all over the Internet?” and I was like, “I HAVE BEEN SEEN BY A MOREY’S PERSONNEL!!

” He was so cool too!

Then I noticed right next to us was a coaster vlogger whom I follow on Instagram and sometimes watch his videos so I had to elbow Henry and he was like, “Ok. Cool.”

Anyway, here was the agenda!

So the reason why this is so cool is that the piers don’t officially open to the general public until noon (Adventure Pier opens at 2pm) so from 9:30 to noon on Saturday, we had free reign of the rides listed up there for special ERT (early ride time / exclusive ride time).

We were the first train of the day on the Great Nor’easter – a trainful of true thoosies! It was a really cool experience because, and I mean this in the best way possible since I’m talking about myself also, but to be a true coaster thoosie, you gotta be a little bit psycho! So imagine a trainful of us assholes, totally screaming our lungs out and just LIVING FOR IT.

And goddammit, this is STILL the best Vekoma SLC IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Literally the ONLY one worth re-riding. Morey’s Piers puts so much TLC into their rides and piers, and their ride operators are just TOP NOTCH – it really elevates the experience.

Oh I should mention that last year, Henry didn’t get a wrist band (we weren’t there for the event last year, this was just a regular day) so the only things he rode was the Great White once and the carousel once. This time, he got to ride everything!

I kept calling Dante’s Dungeon “Dante’s Inferno,” which IS a ride but just…not one at Wildwood. Chooch mocked me which is basically his sole purpose in life these days.

I love love love me a darkride.

Chooch was “not scared” at the real life person who comes after you at the end. They totally got me, though!

Runaway Tram is such a fun family coaster! You would never know it by Henry’s stoic stance.

Now, brace yourselves for a series I like to call Before the Tilt-a-Whirl Tilted and Whirled Our Breakfast.

Me, on the cusp of realizing that Chooch is taking bursts.

Me, starting to sense that something is wrong.

Me, desperately asking for my phone back.

WHY DOES HE TROLL ME SO HARD I HATE IT.

Chooch and I went back for more Nor’easter rerides before ERT ran out.

We walked right onto the front, and then they let us re-ride on any unoccupied row of our choosing and the backrow was open so we snagged it! I realized that the front is waaaay rougher/more intense than the back. The back is where you want to sit to get a nice, smooth ride where you can walk off without your brain feeling scrambled!

Gathering our bearings after a ride on It, which is like the Claw ride that is so ubiquitous in traveling carnivals. It’s fun but WHOOO BOY between that and the Tilt-a-Whirl all before 11am, it was a bit much for me and my baby stomach.

OK, that made me sound like I was alluding to pregnancy. That ain’t it.

Um, OK Boardwalk King.

This was before my WHERE IS MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT, YOU PROMISED ME THAT I WOULD GET MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT IN WILDWOOD / lack of sleep / probably a bit of dehydration breakdown that would happen later that evening. Who, me? Throw a temper tantrum? Pfft, never.

The last thing we did for this portion of the ERT was the Zoom Phloom which we didn’t ride last year and I can’t remember why now – either it wasn’t running or we just didn’t care?? But I am here to tell you that if you are a log flume aficionado, and even if you’re NOT, do not skip out on this. First of all, don’t worry about getting drenched. I mean, yeah, you’re gonna get a little wet but not like, excessively so. Plus, if you’re on the boardwalk in the summer, your ass is gonna dry up REAL QUICKLIKE.

But look, this log flume has an amazing layout where it weaves around and interacts with the waterpark slides and the Great Nor’easter. It’s REALLY cool in that way. And after one of the drops, it literally puts you through a tunnel under the boardwalk while UNDER THE BOARDWALK plays around you! It’s not the Bruce Willis version sadly (aka the BEST version) but it’s so wonderful, nevertheless.

I couldn’t stop gushing about this!

Then at noon, everyone gathered for a group picture.

Numerous shots were taken and I have been OBSESSIVELY checking the Morey’s Piers socials but nothing has been posted yet. I am desperate for a copy of this picture because if you know me, you know that I love being a part of a group and even though I hate having my picture taken, I am ALL ABOUT THE GROUP PHOTOS.

We had a bunch of free time after that, which I loved because I would have been sad if we were back in Wildwood with no time to soak up all the boardwalk vibes.

I didn’t get any Polish Water Ice last year and it was on my agenda this time around because I had a vague memory of Kennywood possibly offering something like this back in the 80s, to the point where I could imagine how this was going to taste and it was 100% the same as in my taste buds’ imagination! Henry and I shared this because even though I always think that I can house something all on my own, chances are my belly will step up and remind me of my limits.

Random Henry Shot.

Chooch passed on the water ice and opted instead for boba.

We went to a really sad arcade inside the Boardwalk Mall. It was…really sad but also full of character. The elderly lady running the place seemed like a true Boardwalk installation. Someone came to visit her, presumably her daughter (?) and brought their dog, who the elderly lady later told us was named Boardwalk Bob. I LOVED THIS WHOLE PORTION OF THE DAY.

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

GOD LOVE HER.

PROTECT THIS BOARDWALK BROAD.

Well, I think I will end the first portion of day 1 here.