Canada was the better team, in every way. Sid will always be golden, especially here in Pittsburgh.

Fuck Trump, Fuck Kash Patel, and fuck every single man on Team USA who made us, once again, a laughingstock on the world stage. God forbid normal Americans get 2 weeks to enjoy the Olympics in peace without that motherfucker making it all about himself, being insulting, name-calling, spreading misogyny and hate.

That game was so hard to watch that I had to go on an aggressive walk afterward. I was fuming, and that was before all the locker room bullshit. I hated that team going into this and now I’m just like “fuck hockey” in general. Heated Rivalry did all that hard carrying to get new fans tuning into NHL games, all for Tkafucks and their cohort to put a sour taste in everyone’s mouth while sucking up to “Dad.”

I’m so pissed too because I had been only on the periphery of hockey (just the Pens) for the last handful of years, then just when I allow myself to re-debut as a crazy fan again (honestly, I didn’t miss the stress that’s for sure), one of the first things I learn is how grossly MAGA so many of these men are. It just makes it really hard and honestly, it takes the fun out of it.

Canada, I’m sorry.  You deserved gold. Hockey is still your sport. Fuck Matthew Tkachuk.

That’s all I have for today. Still stewing.

Some things I’m thinking about today:

CARDAMOM BUNS

• Pittsburgh having no good places to get good cardamom cinnamon rolls (spoiled by Scandinavia).

THE BLACK QUEEN

• The Black Queen is touring for the 10th anniversary of Fever Daydream and I got tickets for the Cleveland date in May!

NIRVANNA THE BAND THE SHOW THE MOVIE

• Thanks to Chooch, I am fully obsessed with Matt Johnson and Jay McCarrol now. I can’t remember that last time I was THIS STOKED on a movie, maybe not since THE PUFFY CHAIR and if you knew me in my mumblecore era, you know that I wanted to wrap myself up in that movie and take it to bed with me. Nirvanna: The Band, The Show, The Movie is doing this same thing to me. I get easily swept up in music but it takes A LOT for me to practically want to join a street team for a fucking movie. This one just really got into that sweet spot of my brain and has been suckling away on my head juices ever since. It’s so niche. It’s such an odd vibe. It is NOT going to hit for everyone. But the jokes landed for me. Even without knowing anything about these guys and their web series from back in the day – I freaking CARED and was so invested.

GO TEAM CANADA

• Olympic hockey has me so stressed out. I am dreading the mens gold medal game tomorrow. I truly dislike the USA team (the Tkachucks can get Tkafucked) and want Team Canada to win so badly because as a Pittsburgher, I’m morally obligated to root for Sidney Crosby and also I just love their team more in general. I thought I would have a hard time rooting for American athletes this time around but so many of them were speaking up and out and I loved that, it was inspirational and made me feel like maybe the rest of the world will hate us less hearing from these athletes that they love their country but not the administration. That helped me retain some semblance of patriotism for the sake of the Olympics.

KID ROCK, INEXPLICABLY

• In the wake of all the Superbowl half time hullaballoo, Chooch was sending me reels making fun of the ToiletPaperUSA redneckpalooza which inspired me to tell him one of the many FUN FACTS about me which he definitely does not consider “fun” nor anything worthy of the definition “fact.” I’m pretty sure his response was just “wow” so I will share it with my ghost friends here on OHE. But all of this KID ROCK bullshit (literally, when has Kid Rock ever been in the news this much, it’s so fucking weird) sparked a shameful memory in me and I felt like I needed to confide in Chooch who clearly did not think this was anything that major….

  It was 1998. I was 18/19 and clearly struggling to find my identity as we all are at that age, sheesh! I was hanging out with guys who honestly fit the bill of date rapists but my red flag reader was not yet fully charged so all I thought was that they were cool and they listened to bands like KORN and LIMP BIZKIT so I did too by association. I actually genuinely liked Korn for a few years, I’m not too cool for school and can be honest about this.

  That autumn, I had gone to this tattoo shop out in Butler, PA (also known as the place where DONALD TRUMP SQUIRTED KETCHUP ON HIS EAR) and befriended (albeit briefly) the tattoo artist / owner and the piercer. They had invited me to the upcoming KORN FAMILY VALUES tour at the Civic Arena but for some reason, I was busy and couldn’t go (I didn’t have a job then so god only knows what my plans were).

  Anyway, when I told Chooch this, I was like, ‘I WAS SO CLOSE TO SEEING KID ROCK BUT LUCKILY I DODGED THAT BULLET, IT DIDN’T EVEN FAKE-GRAZE MY EAR’ but then out of curiosity, I looked up the tour info to see who else was there – AND KID ROCK WAS NOT IN THE LINEUP! I was telling Henry this and he goes, “Yeah, but he was at that one festival we went to in Wisconsin a long time ago” and, panic-stricken, I cried, “WE DIDN’T ACTUALLY SEE HIM THOUGH DID WE??” Henry laughed and said no. W H E W.

That was my Kid Rock story.

Well, that’s all for me today. Back to micromanaging Henry’s bathroom painting project. One of the paint colors is Pink Pout and every time I have complained or whined about something today, Henry has muttered, “You picked the right paint color” LOL. I pouted so hard in the cemetery today that I did my signature teenage brat fast-walking/stamping back to the car while Henry continued his casual gait yards behind me. (I’m also pms’ing so please leave your HENRY IS A SAINT comments to yourself. – Management.)

Hello, it’s Saturday. Here’s some things.

Earlier today, Henry and I went to see the Stray Kids’ DominATE concert film at the theater. I love love love that a lot of Kpop groups do this because it’s so fun to relive the shows, especially on an otherwise blah winter afternoon. And especially with no Kpop concerts on the horizon :( C’mon BIGBANG, don’t let me down!

Han is still 100% my bias but I unexpectedly walked out with a new bias wrecker – Changbin. That one came out of left field for me.

It feels like it was so long ago when we went to the Toronto stop of that tour!

Stray Kids DominATE, Part2

Enhypen’s concert film is coming out next month and you best believe I will be stuffing my ass into a theater seat for that one too.

In real life concert updates, I bought us tickets to see Clan of Xymox with Past Self in Columbus this April. I have been wanting to see Past Self for a good bit now, and annoyingly – Clan of Xymox will be in Pgh the next night but WITHOUT Past Self. So, road trip it is. Also, I have never see Clan of Xymox but used to enjoy them when I was in my goth phase from 1997-2000 so my old Darkchat persona, Ruby Red, is very much looking forward to this!

Henry is like, “Wait, what now?” LOL. He’ll be fine.

Speaking of Henry, here is a super zoom of him renewing our Coaster Crew memberships which is a good sign because I have been begging him to agree to register us (+Chooch) for their big 2027 trip. I even said that I will shelve my hopeful 2026 Korea trip for this one so…we’ll see, lol. He is constantly reminding me that we are not rich people. BUT WHY CAN’T WE PRETEND LIKE IT. YOLO, FOMO, etc.

Cozy Olympics Time.

This was all I cared about, lol. Hey speaking of Enhypen, one of their songs is being used as Korea’s cheer song for the winter Olympics and Sunghoon was one of the torchbearers. I’m a proud ENGENE <3

I like to send Chooch pictures every night of Penelope sitting with me just to stoke the rage within him.

A beer I had the other night that I really liked! I’m mostly over the beer phase (some of my phases just don’t stick, it’s OK – if ever there is one that I don’t want to stick, this would be one) but we do have that event on Thursday at Lolev and I’m even more excited for it now because Kara and Chris are going too! The first time Kara and I did a vegetarian food and beer pairing together, I was very adamantly anti-beer and now the main reason why I got tickets to this one is because I LOVE Lolev’s beer!

(Um excuse me while I gag myself but I just realized that the aforementioned veg/beer thing was NINETEEN YEARS AGO???)

 Additional thoughts:

This season of Bridgerton is my favorite

Ever since we went to that dumb WWE thing in December and I had to redownload the Penguins app to access the tickets, I started getting live notifications during the Pens games and immediately became obsessed with hockey again and they have a player who is younger than Chooch – I had to really let one sink in

I’m typing this during a particularly gruesome moment of Bring Her Back so I don’t have to look

We’re en route to Philly (BIG SAD FACE) and I need to record this for posterity: before we left this morning, OUR HOUSE BY MADNESS was playing on the radio in our bedroom. Ughhhhhh. (If you read my NYE post, then you know!)

It’s 9:54am and Henry just ate a full Tastykakes pack like there was no tomorrow. Probably didn’t even chew.

Lololol.

12:11pm: An hour left – I finished this book in the meantime which is why I have neglected this boring-ass live blog.

Here are some pictures from our late lunch at Tillie’s yesterday! Chooch requested that we go there and we never say no to a Tillie’s request.

During lunch, chooch made a comment about how Henry “always” leaves leftovers at the restaurant which is hyperbolic but he has definitely done this on occasion! More like leftovers-adjacent but there was this time where we METICULOUSLY curated a bag of taffy from the candy shop at Holiday World only for Henry the Stoop to leave it in the hotel room after we checked out the next morning. (He had put it in the mini fridge, making it out of sight, out of mind!)

And wouldn’t you know it, we were nearly out of McKeesport when Chooch goes, “did you bring the food?” NOPE. NO HE DID NOT. Henry decided to go back and I was like there is no way they kept it, that shits been trashed, but Henry insisted that since it had only been 10 minutes it would likely still be there?! Like there is some “10 minute” guarantee on left behind leftovers?!

No. It was gone. LOL. My friend Chris commented on my IG post and said leaving behind Tillie’s leftovers is a mortal sin – AGREED. You’re the worst, Henry.

12:18pm: Chooch doesn’t have his backpack. His laptop is in his backpack. Awesome!

1:38pm: on our way to a cafe and I think this is the best subway experience we’ve had in Philly ever.

Also some guy was playing Luther Vandross’ “here & now” on his saxophone while we were waiting and I originally thought it was Vanessa Williams’ “Save the Best for Last” – I think something is actually deteriorating (not dethroning like autocorrect assumed) in my brain. :(

2:13pm: Henry said it looks like he’s praying to get away from us wow.

Anyway we made it to Grindcore House!

Satisfying!

Chooch is being so annoying BTW.

3:11pm: made it back to whatever station this is.

Chooch is still being annoying. (Look at his hostage smile?!!) And Henry is complaining. I just look old and tired.

3:42pm: Chooch is looking for his wallet in the car before we drop him off because I can imagine that being another pertinent item he left at home. Henry said something about him being a dick. “Can you please not swear in front of him,” Chooch said before causally saying, “oh there’s my gum!”

Anyway he things his wallet is in his backpack in his room in Pgh lololol ugh.

3:51pm: We just dropped him off and he said “cool bye I’ll see you in Korea I guess.” Wow bye love you too.

oh here are pictures of the Grindcore House bathroom:

And now for the long drive home.

What a nice time with Chooch though, getting to revive our fake rivalry over who Penelope loves most, jokingly telling him to can it every time we fake bicker, watching Season 5 of Stranger Things over Thanksgiving and Christmas and seeing the finale together at the theater. That dumb WWE thing. Seeing Marty Supreme with him at the Hollywood Theater on Friday (such a fantastic but stressful film!!) and sharing Stranger Things memes and theories. I really love that kid. :(

5:06pm: Now we’re listening to the Pens game on iHeartRadio lol. I had to redownload the Pens app to access the WWE tickets from work and in doing so I started getting game notifications again and just like that, sucked back in. I haven’t actively watched since 2017 or so because we got rid of cable and I had no way to watch after that and considered it a blessing for my health because as you may know, hockey was such a blood pressure jacker for me. I have no idea who even anyone is on this team now aside from the mainstays.

5:39pm: Pens made it to overtime with like 14 seconds left!

Henry keeps asking me all these Pens questions and I’m like bro I haven’t paid attention to hockey for the same amount of time as you so how would I know?! Apparently he just wants me to google all of this for him for free. (I didn’t even know who their new coach was!!)

5:43pm: YOOOO PENS WIN IN OT! CROSBY! On that note I’m ending this live blog. 2 hours and 42 minutes left.

You guys. I never thought I would say this, as someone who was so firmly mired in the post-hardcore / Warped Tour / goth scene for so many years, but Henry and I attended the IHeartRadio Jingle Ball in Detroit and had a fantastic time!

Granted, we only went because not only was NCT Dream performing with Renjun who has returned from hiatus (he sat out the US tour they recently did in September and he is my Dream bias, so I was bummed about that) but Wonho, formerly of Monsta X and currently a fabulous solo artist was also going to be there! His first time in the US without Monsta X! Henry knew before I even told him that we were going to be attending our first Jingle Ball because of this.

Aside from Jason Derulo, I didn’t know any of the western artists on the Detroit line up (the line up varies by cities and we very luckily dodged a MEGHAN TRAINOR bullet, as she is appearing at several of the dates) but I didn’t care. I figured we’d stay for Wonho and NCT Dream and then leave.

But then, we were having such a good time, our seats were fantastic, there were no apparent dickheads around us, so I decided that we should stay for the whole thing. We paid enough $$$ for the seats, and if we left early, we’d probably just end up sitting in the hotel room watching Friends reruns.

I will write about Wonho and NCT Dream separately. In this post, I want to just talk about the other artists and how, while a bit of a culture shock to see western pop artists perform (LOL culture shock like I’m not actually American, I’m so fucking annoying even to myself, don’t worry guys – we share the same opinion about this blogger).

The lineup, in order from opening to headliner:

1. Isabel LaRosa
2. Wonho <3
3. Madison Beer
4. NCT Dream <3
5. Jason Derulo
6. Saweetie
7. Teddy Swims
8. Jack Harlow

First of all, the show stared PROMPTLY at 7:30. It was actually borderline jarring because the lights went out and then Isabel walked on stage to the backdrop of thumping bass. I thought this would be like K-Con where there’d be an MC or something that came out first to do their spiel. They did in fact have the local Top 40 radio DJs there, but they came out after Isabel’s set, which…I honestly thoroughly enjoyed. It was definitely giving “sex scene in a student-made horror film that we would have rented from Incredibly Strange Video circa 2002”, that is to say: SEEDY, SLEAZY, CREEPY.

At one point, her hockey jersey came off and she performed the rest of her 4 song set in just a tiny bra and shorts. It was something.

She has a song about “wanting someone older” and the music video for it played on the screen behind her. It of course showed her at a school and her costar was A TEACHER.

“It’s your favorite trope,” I shouted in Henry’s ear and he frowned so hard. He hated all the inappropriate, statutory rapey relationships that peppered the TV series Pretty Little Liars, which we used to watch together, particularly a main story line that involved one of the Liars and her ENGLISH TEACHER. Hooo boy, did that boil Henry’s blood, lol.

(Speaking of, the English teacher was recently in a Netflix Christmas movie with Lindsay Lohan and his girlfriend in that movie was also much younger and there were some “jokes” about that which made Henry frown in disappointment all over again haha.)

Also, I really liked that it was just her and her guitarist on stage. It was minimalistic and somehow still so loud and unnerving.

The more I thought about in the days after Jingle Ball, the more I realized how much I liked this (???) and that it sort of reminded me of the metal-adjacent female-fronted stuff I used to listen to in the early 00s.

Then came Madison Beer after Wonho. I knew A LITTLE about her, like the fact that Justin Bieber made her go viral when she was just 13 and he reposted a video of her singing. And that she was one of the voices for some League of Legends virtual group called K/DA, along with some other broad and two of the (G)-Idle members. So, she’s played a minor role in the kpop realm!

I was SHOCKED by her though because she clearly can SANG and her voice actually had somewhat of an old-fashioned sound to it that I truly appreciated because I’m so tired of these pop girls singing in their fake breathy baby voices a la Halsey.

Did she make me uncomfortable at times? Oh, you know it. Her performance was also sexually-charged but I guess that’s just always been the nature of American pop and I’m so out of the loop that it was like sugar shock.

I guess this song was nominated for a Grammy. I REALLY liked it live, but then later when I watched the video, I didn’t like it as much. But it really works so well as a live performance – I had never heard the song before but when it started, I was fully invested and borderline obsessed. It was dark and thumpy.

I do really appreciate the Jennifer’s Body theme of the music video though, and Jesus Christ she could be Megan Fox’s sister, seriously.

I don’t think Jason Derulo needs any intro! I was seriously shocked that he wasn’t headlining though, because out of everyone, he’s been around the longest and is arguably the most well-known. His set was really energetic and dance-y, and he did a medley of some of his most popular songs too since everyone was really only allotted enough time  to perform 4 songs – he found the loophole lol.

It was during this set though when it occurred to me that it really felt like being in a giant strip club – all of the performances so far (with the exception of NCT Dream, but also even Wonho to an extent lol) were just like living, gyrating, pelvic thrusting billboards for SEX! SEX! SEX! and the only thing missing was poles, honestly. It was entertaining but I think I am officially of the age where I was thankful I didn’t have a young kid in attendance with me.

I’m pretty sure a large portion of the crowd left after Jason.

Then came Saweetie. I didn’t take any pictures of her and my review will be short & s(a)weet(ie):

She is SO BEAUTIFUL. She looked amazing in her adorable little Christmas outfit.

Her DJ was repetitive and annoying.

I guess this is what girl rap sounds like now? Sort of….not rapping, no flow? I was bored with her set (when she was pretending to straddle and ride an imaginary “Big big Santa” was pretty fun though haha) – I grew up on DaBrat and Foxxy Brown so that’s my bar, I guess. Again, just basing this on what I saw that night – I haven’t listened to her in any other context aside from the song she did with IVE last year (which is the only reason I even know who she is).

Teddy Swims was really good but I could never sit through an entire concert of his, I don’t think. All of his songs blended together and I couldn’t stop laughing because he reminded me so much of Christina.

Also, and this pains me to admit but I said it out loud later that night when we were walking back to the hotel, but I still think that the best male singer in North America, maybe even all of the western world, is fucking Jonny Craig. UGH. This Teddy Swims guy has A Voice, but he’s no Jonny Craig. It’s sad because if Jonny hadn’t made such poor life decisions, he could be a household name at this point and not still playing at tiny hole in the wall clubs in his 40s.

But yeah, enjoyed Teddy Swims more than I expected (when I looked up him prior to this and saw the genres he was known for, I scoffed, “YEAH NO I’M NOT GONNA LIKE THIS DOUCHEBAG.”) and at least I can admit this!?

Jack Harlow – whose name I knew but knew nothing else – was the last to perform. He came strutting out on stage alone in chinos and a fucking fitted black sweater like he just left his cubicle in the IT Dept. And then he started….rapping? Is that what that was? I have no idea but all I could think was, “Who the fuck is this white nerd?” You guys, I didn’t like him at all. Henry didn’t either. We were both pulling stank-face until I threw in the towel after two….songs? Whatever you want to call it. I turned to Henry and said, “Yeah, I’m ready to go if you are” and he was like, “TWIST MY ARM” as he practically pushed me out of my seat and into the aisle in his eagerness to never have to hear Jack Harlow again.

(When we were walking up the steps to leave our section, Jack was in the middle of talking to the audience and even that was getting on my nerves. “Oh boy and he’s a talker,” I mumbled and Henry made the “Pffft” sound in agreement with me because Henry always agrees with me unless I‘m pulling a runner at the eye doctor and then suddenly he’s dying on the Bittel Vision hill.)

We had a pleasant walk back to the hotel – there were cops at every intersection so we felt safe to be walking the several blocks back rather than take the hotel shuttle which Henry asked SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT at the hotel for us to just not bother using it lololol. Then we hit up the vending machines before going back to the room and I was SHOCKED that there was nary a Faygo in sight. Detroit!!

Oh, we also walked around the casino a few times because I thought I had seen a sign for gelato in one of our earlier strolls and it made me laugh that we had made at least 4 laps around the whole casino throughout the day and didn’t even consider to pull a lever on a machine. My brother Ryan, a huge Vegas aficionado, would have SHUDDERED TO THINK.

(My last two blog post titles ended in “Things” so I felt compelled to keep with the theme.)

Anyway!!! I woke up so excited yesterday because it was the official “Chooch Comes Home” day! We can’t trust him with basic things so Henry urged him to leave for the airport around noon even though his flight wasn’t until 6ish lol. He texted me around 1:30 to sarcastically thank me because he had made it through TSA super quick and was now faced with about 5 hours to kill hahaha. But I was relieved that he was at least where he needed to be and I could stop worrying about him arriving late and missing his flight.

And yes, I had begun nagging him a full week ago about not forgetting to bring his passport.

Just doing my job!

He randomly sent me this and it cracked me up because ew football. I asked him who took the picture and he said some random guy. Did Chooch actually….ASK for someone to take his picture? Please someone tell me who is this kid, FOR I DO NOT KNOW.

I was practically bouncing myself out of my desk chair all day, in anticipation. I wanted to leave for the airport as soon as I logged off from work at 5:30 but Henry was like HE HAS NOT EVEN BOARDED YET and Chooch was like THE PLANE ISN’T EVEN HERE YET. Boarding was delayed by nearly an hour, which was making me lose my mind.

As soon as Henry saw that the plane was over Harrisburg, he was like, “OK fine, we can leave for the airport now.” YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!

Even though there was an hour delay, he still somehow landed only 10 minutes later than scheduled. I hated almost every single person who walked past us while we were waiting, btw. Just lots of people I could tell that I would hate if I had to:

• live near them
• work with them
• stand in line somewhere with them

Henry was lecturing me about judging books by their cover (OK Mr. Rogers). But then he said, “Look, there’s Mark Madden” and I actually truly do hate that guy, so….see?!?!

(I used to listen to A LOT of sports radio when I was an uber hockey stan.)

As soon as Chooch texted me that he was on the shuttle, I got my phone ready like Dispatch in South Korea waiting for G-Dragon’s airport arrival. Chooch was T H R I L L E D.

View this post on Instagram

There was no hugging or anything like that – Chooch would never. LOL. And as soon as we got in the car, he read us a literal list of demands. Mostly necessities so I was OK with it, but then of course he tacked on, “and an iPhone 16” at the end, lol. Go away.

“I have to write a profile on someone for English while I’m home—” he started to say, to which I interrupted by shooting my hand into the air and grunting, “Oooh! Ooooh!” and he quickly cut me off with a curt, “Not you.”

WOW.

I guess he is going to ask the lady in charge of the Brookline teen center. Even though I am entirely more interesting, but OK.

I made him pose for a picture by the renovated Chooch Wall and when I said, “Ugh, smile properly!” this is what I got. He thought he did it fast enough that I wouldn’t get it BUT I DID and immediately posted it on Instagram much to his chagrin. :D

He had plans to hang out with his friend Isai but I made him watch the G-Dragon/BIGBANG performance from MAMA first and he actually sat through it and made comments like, “Is Seungri going to come out too?” KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THAT WOULD TRIGGER ME. But then when it was the BANG BANG BANG performance and G-Dragon come out with a new outfit on, Chooch goes, “UGH that is totally how he dressed me that one time!” and I knew exactly what he was referring to because I too made the comparison!

Also, Penelope seems mad that he is home. She was legit glaring at him on the steps last night and I said, “That’s because you’re her abuser!” He’s always telling her she looks like a rat and that she stinks!

I can’t wait to barely see him while he’s home!

Considering we were only in FunSpot for 4 hours, there isn’t too much to recap in addition to the ArieForce One gushing I put you guys through the other day. I will say that we had such a nice experience with the FunSpot staff and just the park in general, that I was inspired to email them to tell them so. We’re so quick as disgruntled, jaded humans to fire off complaints at the drop of a hat, but I think it’s very important to send compliments when they’re deserved, as well. I only hope that management shared my email with the staff because they’re the real ones!

I’m gonna do a photodump now, ok? Ok.

I didn’t want to ride this but I was just standing there when Chooch started to walk up the steps so the ride operator was like, “Do you want to ride too?” and I didn’t have the heart to say no. It was no WACKY WORM, but it wasn’t too bad for a kiddie coaster.

I guess.

I thought it was so cool/interesting that the bumper cars are inside the arcade/cafeteria! In general, I really liked the vibe here.

Unsupportive Dad not watching us playing air hockey (I pummeled Chooch, btw).

The color scheme of the skee ball machines (I was so close to creating a tongue twister) was beautiful.

The only annoying thing about the arcade was that we spent 50 cents each to enter some “vortex” thing which only ended up being one of those spinning tunnel illusions. We were in and out in less than 30 seconds and Henry’s mustache curled into a WTF. He really thought he was going to have some “me time” while we were vortexing.

He really thought.

You can see how this used to be a parking lot.

My hair was WRECKED on this day. It never stands a chance in the war against humidity.

Waiting for Hurricane, one of the jankiest coasters I’ve ever ridden.

It actually wasn’t too bad for the first 2/3 of the ride, but I made the mistake of saying, “Oh wow, this really isn’t that bad.” Then all hell breaks loose and it started to feel like we whipping around square corners. Not muh fave.

There were young girls that were screaming maniacally on Riptide, so I started screaming too. Then, when we were walking off the ride, one of the girls said, “I heard you sceaming!” to another girl in her group. But that girl fired back angrily, “That wasn’t me! I don’t who that was, but I kept screaming at them to shut up.”

I did the “looking up and whistling” routine at that point, realizing she was talking about my nearly 44-year-old ass, lol.

Chooch’s eye roll here is everything. 100% Chooch.

No one wanted to go on the ferris wheel but me.

You guys. It was a really great trip. A whirlwind, yes. But I have no regertz. And I can’t wait to see what FunSpot has in store over the next several years!

My brother Corey and I were traipsing down Memory Lane the other day when I referenced the time that my childhood best friend and I were “professional junior bridesmaids.

” Corey was like, “Whoa whoa whoa, back up.  I don’t remember this??” To his credit, he was like 2 years old at the time and too concerned with drinking “strawbeddy” milk to notice his teenage sister walking down aisles in pink taffeta.

(Was it taffeta?)

(Do I even know what taffeta is?)

As I was filling in the missing pages of this chapter of the Kelly Family Story for him, it made me realize how actually fucking ridiculous this whole thing was. Let me tell you about it.

The year was 1992. My aunt Susie was planning a wedding with her fiance, Mark (he was fucking awesome, btw, and played in a cover band called Le Chic!). I don’t know whose idea it was, but I somehow got locked in as “junior bridesmaid.” And because my BFF Christy was basically an honorary family member to the point where my Pappap once offered to take her to Europe with us but her parents said no (I was sad!), she was also offered a supporting role in The Wedding.

If you’re reading this and you know me personally, you will remember that this was basically the impetus of what would become a lifelong fear of food / eating disorder / etc. for me because I was a preteen FATTY and my grandma made sure I was aware of it. God forbid I should ruin Susie’s wedding with my fat ass registering seismic activity as I Stay Puft’d my cankles down the aisle. So this was also the year that I became exercise-obsessed too. I was on Slim Fast (yep, at 11! Ask me about the lingering effects that had on my psyche) and working out with Denise Austin and Gilad every day. I remember feeling awesome at the last fitting when my dress had to be taken in, but also thinking that I was still fat.

Speaking of the FITTING, some memories I have of that:

• being pissed because the adults got to drink champagne;
• obviously hating Susie’s choice of dress for us (and let’s be honest, it was probably my grandma’s choice);
• the saleswoman’s name being Rosemary but calling her Rosethorn behind her back because she kept sticking us with pins;
• maniacally singing “Pop Pop Goes the Weasel” (some inexplicably popular pseudo-rap song that was v. popular in 1992?!) in the back of my grandma’s car after leaving the dumb bridal shop to the point where my grandma legit lost her shit and yelled at us. God first, I’m fat then I’m annoying on top of it all.

Fast forward to the wedding. I was 12 by then, I think?

Corey asked who even was in the wedding and all I could remember was Susie’s friend Lori was a Girl Scout (no, not like, in her youth – she was STILL a Girl Scout somehow? I can’t remember what the deal was but I know that Christy and I were majorly side-eyeing each other over this, back when we didn’t know that side-eyeing was a thing) and had once dated former Pgh Penguin Phil Borque but back when he was in the farm league.

Interestingly, my mom was not in the wedding party (she probably opted out because anything that puts even a background spotlight on her is not my mom’s jam) and either was Sharon, the eldest sister, but this is not shocking because Susie and Sharon hated each other.

Luckily, I found these pictures. I have no idea who any of those dudes are or the first lady, but the blond is my cousin Zita: former lingerie model and former girlfriend of former Red Wings Chris Chelios. Lots of hockey…connections in this wedding party.

Susie and Mark have since divorced but Susie is still married to that hairstyle. (Not even knocking her – that coif works for her. I literally can’t imagine her with any other hairstyle. It’s her signature!)

But where this gets kind of weird is that my cousin Zita’s brother Chris (also my cousin, obvi, but also has the distinction AND HONOR of being my godfather) was also slated to get married that year, two months after Susie. So he’s at the wedding with his fiancée, you know, and someone on that side of the family thought it would be adorable if Christy and I donned the dresses again for a second strut down the aisle, this time at the wedding of Chris and Laurie.

I mean, I barely knew Chris, if we’re being honest. Super nice guy, but our families didn’t like, hang out. And Christy CERTAINLY didn’t know him! But yeah, OK. Sure. This is normal. We will be in your wedding too! Wearing the same dresses! Knowing NO ONE in the wedding party!

This wedding was actually kind of fun though. I have a strong memory of getting into the limo after the ceremony to go to the reception. The wedding was at some really nice church downtown, I think? I don’t know, but the reception was at the Embassy Suites near the airport, and I remember it being fancy AF. So, we’re in the limo, right? And all the adults are popping the champers and just, you know, popping off in general too. And this one groomsman, he was really starting to get loose in the limo and the lips, and he looked at me, gestured at me with his sloshing glass, and said, “Your aunt Susie is A BITCH!” Christy and I were like, “Ooooooooooh!!!!!” Anyway, he went on to tell us that he was IN LOVE with her in high school I guess, and she broke his heart or something, I don’t know, but Christy and I were sure to report back to Susie on this later.

The other thing I will never forget about this wedding was that the bride’s younger brother looked like a young Mario Lemieux (hockey again) and Christy and I were LUSTING.

At the reception, we mostly just ran around letting everyone wonder who the fuck we were, but at one point Zita snagged us. She was with her then-boyfriend, some much-older rich guy. She joked that we would also have to be in their wedding. “It’s going to be in Bermuda! We’ll fly you there!”

They never got married, and Christy and I never got another gig as the Pinkies. Probably for the best considering NEITHER COUPLE made it to their 10th anniversary.

It’s been almost a week since the NCT127 concert and I still haven’t really lost that glorious buzz.

The concert started at 8 so I decided we should leave our hotel by 6:30 because sometimes it can take FOREVER to get inside a Kpop concert. There were a bunch of other NCTzens staying at our hotel also and several of them were waiting for their rides at the same time. Ours came first and I giddily called out, “HAVE FUN TONIGHT GUYS!” and they all happily waved and yelled YOU TOO and this is the difference between Kpop and the other scene I came from because I would have been probably met with a scowl or eyeroll if I had done that to a bunch of scene kids lol ugh. With Kpop, there is no age limit. Young Kpop fans don’t look at broads like me and call us Grandma or assume that we’re just there with out kids. I have never had a bad experience with any Kpop fan (except for BTS fans lol they are the most toxic people, trust).

Our Uber driver dropped us off around 6:45 or so and I was surprised at how short the line was to get in! We opted for the opposite side of the arena this time because it took us SO LONG to get inside for Stray Kids. There were about 8 separate lines to get into 4 doors so it was still not the fastest moving line, but it was ok!

It was drizzling a little bit, but I didn’t care – I’m not delusional enough to think that anyone in NCT was going to NOTICE ME SEMPAI and I certainly wasn’t tryna impress Kpop Dad over there. Haha.

IN THE RAIN, HAIR FRIZZING.

I purposely didn’t bring a bag and Henry only had his wallet so we cleared security in record time.

I hate how shitty the world is. When we were recently there for Stray Kids, the various jewelry and accessories people were being told to remove was mind-blowing. I would have loved to have brought in my Cherry Bomb purse but it has chain straps and I also would have accessorized with my NCT enamel pins but I feel like if you can’t wear a spiked choker, why would they let you in with MINI DAGGERS OMG.

Once we got inside, we (lol, “we”) ran straight to the merch stand upstairs. The line was BLESSEDLY short and I was able to snag the shirt I wanted in about 5 minutes. Much better than standing in that long-ass “early merch” line we saw earlier that afternoon. The line snaked all through the courtyard of the Prudential Center!

You didn’t ask BUT HERE IS THE SHIRT I BOUGHT:

Luckily, I already have an NCT light stick because the guy that was 3 people ahead of me bought the very last one – they took it right off the display and put it in its box for the dude. Henry actually bought me the light stick last year for Christmas because I kept screaming about how I just KNEW NCT127 was going to come here in 2022. Good thinking, Henry, you smart, grizzly ol’ NCTzen, you.

I know it’s hard to see, but this was the crowd of people trying to get in on the other side of the arena! I’m so glad we got lucky with the doors we chose.

So, this is the part where my heart was acting like it was on a bunch of new designer street drugs at a 1996 rave. I was A BALL OF NERVES. You guys, NCT! I was about to see them! LET’S GOOOO! But also, HOLD ON, I’M NOT READDDDDDY!

We had a good while to kill before getting our (very separate) seats, so since I was in a bigly competition with some stranger named Marisol in the FitBit Workweek Hustle, I made Henry do laps around the Prudential Center with me. When I say I know this place better than the hockey arena in my own city, there’s really no hyperbole to be found. Not even a crumb of it behind my molars.

So weird how many times kpop has brought me to this place.

Anyway, we kept seeing the same people over and over, including some of the people who were waiting for a ride outside of our hotel! It’s so strange how once you home in on certain faces, your eyes find mystery ways to find them again and again. I also saw the guy who brought the last light stick about 4 times and every time I pointed him out, Henry acted like he had no idea who I was talking about. At one point, I kept trying to move over to let the person behind me pass because it sounded like they were in a big time hurry and the scuff-squeak of their boots kept getting closer and closer to the point where I was afraid they were going to walk up my back. Finally, I side-stepped in time for a tiny Asian girl in a school uniform and big white boots to pass me in the aforementioned big time hurry. I laughed and said, “I’ll probably see her 87 more times tonight now.”

I didn’t have my wallet so I made Henry buy an Angry Orchard for us to share and he bragged because on one of our cycles around the Prudential Center, she smiled at him and that apparently means they’re FRIENDS now. Mmm. Then we did this adorable photo shoot, lol.

Henry looks like he’s mad to be there (I sent this to my mom and she called me pathetic, I guess because everyone assumes I dragged him there against his will, as if he’s not a NCTzen whose bias is Yuta – HE CHANGED IT FROM JUNGWOO! This is brand new intel!) but he was actually just mad because Ticketmaster is a shady web of scammers so he had to get a really shitty seat one row from the last row possible because it was the only ticket we could afford after I spent …. I don’t want to say it again … on my ticket.

We took one last victory lap around the Prudential Center. I loved seeing all the crazy outfits people put together for the show. One of NCT’s main colors is lime/neon green and this was the dominant color of the night for sure.

Around 7:45 I decided it was time to part ways and take our respective seats. I could tell immediately that my view was going to be obstructed because my section was too close to the side of the stage BUT I was the first row of that upper section so at least I wouldn’t have the token Tallest Person in the Room in front of me.

My ass wasn’t even all the way in my seat yet when the girl to my right IMMEDIATELY said hello. I was like, “OK good a friendly person who is also here alone” so I engaged. I know weird right? But sometimes tiny fragments of my lost personality come back to the surface and inspire the small talk. She is from Boston, her bias is Jungwoo, and SHE IS 17, of fucking course.

“My dad is here, but he’s sitting over there,” she said, motioning to the other side of the arena.

“Mine too!” I cried happily. Then she said her dad’s bias is Yuta and I started to get paranoid that her dad and Henry are the same person.

She asked me who my bias is (“Across the board? Haechan and Ten. Specifically NCT127? Jaehyun.” to which she nodded approvingly) and how long I’ve been a NCTzen (“3 years, but have been following them since 2017.” – for those wondering at home.) and it was fucking wonderful, having someone who speaks my language! I admitted that I’m an old hag and that my main fave is BIGBANG to which she asked, “OT5 or OT4?” and I was honest and said OT5 because give me Seungri or give me death. We talked our faces off until NCT127 came on and you know who didn’t come up once because we’re real Kpop fans? BTS lol. It was a safe place for real.

About 3/4 of the way through the concert, the girl on her other side made contact with her and that girl was only in her 20s probably so my new friend who could be my daughter dropped me like a hot potato and that was fine because SHE KEPT MAKING COMMENTS AND ASIDES about every single thing happening and you know what? I just wanted to stand there and oscillate between weeping quietly and shrieking, “OMFG!!!!!!” every time and to be honest I couldn’t hear what she was saying that well anyway!! Honestly though, everyone around me in SECTION 127 (!!!) was wonderful and I have no complaints (Henry can’t say the same but we’ll let him tell his version another day – he even has pictures haha).

The girl sitting to my left was a SUPER great seat mate – she was so quiet, watching the whole concert through her binoculars and only ever screamed when Taeyong was talking. Oh yeah, and she was also The Big Hurry Girl in the school uniform and stompy white boots who almost mowed me down.

TO BE CONTINUED!

We’re not allowed to use the word “general” at my job so now I feel like a real bad ass, rule-breaker.

Michigan’s Adventure is part of the Cedar Fair group (Cedar Point, King’s Island, Knott’s, etc) and it is pretty much considered the worst park across the board by enthusiasts and general public. But when you’re an enthusiast, you will go to where you need to go in order to add the new coaster credits under the proverbial belt. (I’ve mentioned coaster creds to several different people recently and they all asked the same thing: “what do you get if you collect the most? like a prize?” Nope. Just bragging rights? A beefy spreadsheet? Debt?) And the thing about Michigan’s Adventure that was appealing to us, well, two things:

1. Shivering Timbers, this motherwhompin’ CCI woodie that is like THE TALK of Coaster Town – we will get to that in a separate post;
2. It’s in the same state as Bill & Jessi so we got to visit them!

Michigan’s Adventure is located in Muskeon, MI which is where the minor league hockey team was that then-Pittsburgh Penguins Phil Borque got sent down to during one of the seasons in the 1980s. That was the first time I ever heard of “Muskegon” and pretty much the last time too until Michigan’s Adventure. So I always associate Muskegon with Phil Borque and thought about that a lot the day we were there, and also how back in the 80s he dated my aunt Susie’s friend Lori!!!

Anyway, my first impression was that the parking lot is a nightmare – the park had already been open for an hour and there was a huge line of cars trying to get in. I panicked and thought it was going to be crowded that day, but no – parking was just slow AF. Then the car that parked next to us, OMG I’m getting angry all over again remembering this, the passenger got out and proceeded to stand next to our car, blocking my door, while the driver of his car got out and stood there so that he could slowly and languidly apply sunscreen to her stupid person skin. I was like REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?!!? and then said FUCK IT and started opening my door until it was in danger of hitting the guy. He got the hint and they both moved down so that I could out, but now they were blocking Chooch’s door LOLOLOL OMFG MORONS. Chooch was like, “I’m not playing this game” and just scooted across the backseat and got out from the other side.

Idiots.

Getting into the park from there was smooth-sailing.  My immediate reaction was, “This place is not so bad!” Visually, I mean! We had yet to experience ride ops and customer service. WE SHALL SEE.

(Well, we already saw, but pretend with me that we’re going to find out together.)

…do Henry and Chooch count as friends? I hope so because they’re the only people I ever hang out with!

The Ferris wheel wasn’t running but I liked how it looked here behind the trees.

Let’s talk ambiance: this is a small park, but it’s cute and clean. I love parks that have lakes either next to them or in the middle – this one had really cute swan boats that you can see over yonder!

And I liked that the colors of the benches gave off a 1970s summer camp vibe.

It’s hard to fuck up soft serve (never mind, I’ve seen it done before) and  this one was simple and satisfying! (Although my one small complaint is that nowhere on the signs did it mention sprinkles so we had to ask. I expected them  to say no since it wasn’t listed anywhere, BUT THEY HAD IT! I’m sorry, but soft serve without sprinkles is like grilled cheese without ketchup.)

Stalking us while we were in line for Corkscrew. Then, in true Michael Myers fashion, I turned back around a second later and HE WAS GONE. How does he dip so fast like that? He must have learned it in the SERVICE.

Could this have been the least-worst Arrow corkscrew I’ve ever ridden?? It was smooooth and my head banged not even once. Also, the line was only about 20 minutes long which is appropriate. The longest line we probably stood in was for Thunderhawk, the Vekoma SLC, which was maybe around 30 minutes. Ops were decent here?!

Here’s Chooch ignoring me in line for said Vekoma SLC. I want to note, as evidence to support my earlier claims about ride ops: this one had ONE KID manning the general entrance to  the station, the Fast Lane entrance to the station, and checking the restraints on the left side of the train. ONE KID, barely any older than Chooch. He was getting the job DONE.

Also, I believe this was the only instance of LINE JUMPING we endured all day,  thank god. It was still frustrating though – a whole ass family of 4 or 5 “excuse me, pardon me”ing their way all the way up to the front. Annoying!!!! I wish I owned a park. I would enforce the rules and motherfuckers would be crying.

And probably suing too but we’ll tackle that when the day comes.

I should note that this was the third ride of the day, right after getting in A HUGE FIGHT with Henry on the second ride of the day: the carousel. Who fights on the carousel?? you might ponder. The couple who is 1/2 comprised of a camera-moron whose only task is to take a carouselfie of his family but does it shittily every time and then gets mad in retaliation when the other 1/2 gets mad first, and their offspring just sits there on his pony and endures it because, this is life. This is us.

Anyway, we got off the carousel and I was like LET’S JUST LEAVE but then proceeded to storm off in the opposite direction of the exit. Chooch kept pace with me but Henry was like, way behind. I dipped into the Thunderhawk line hoping that Henry wouldn’t know where we went but apparently he has us chipped because when we got off the ride, he was waiting for us like a dumb creep. Ugh. Then we were Happy Family again and didn’t fight anymore, look at us. That’s growth.

Zack’s Zoomer is a little wooden coaster that had what looked to be a short line but it was one train ops and suuuuuper slow moving.

We got to the station and I realized it was basically just like the Woodstock Express and I was like, “There is no fucking way we’re both fitting in one seat,” but Henry was like, “YES WE CAN” and he stuffed himself in next to me so hard that I felt my hipbone bend, I swear to god. I honetsly can’t believe that the ride ops let us sit together, it was sooo clown car-esque.

Chooch had to wait for the next train and he seemed fine with having a big of PARENT FREE time.

Bye, Chooch. Say “wheeee.”

OMG this fucking janky pile of lumber, lol. When we were standing in line, some really annoying, corny country ballad came on, something about “this is my song,” and I loudly said, “Who even likes this shit??” and Henry started cracking up because the three teenage girls in front of us where balls-to-the-wall lip synching along but I didn’t know because I had my back toward them when I was screaming about it.

I just think that amusement parks should exclusively play 1980s music.

I thought the station was so nice, how they had flower pots hanging over there.

Anyway, this ride was sooooo painful. The first part was great though – you leave the station and wind around into a tunnel and Y’ALL KNOW HOW I LOVE ME SOME TUNNELS. Then you go up the lift hill and get stuck at the top for a minute – at least, that’s what happened to us. Then the first drop is SO GOOD because it was recently RETRACKED so it was smoother than Rob Thomas singing “Smooth.”

But then as you’re going down the hill, you happen to look over to the right and notice that the rest of the coaster is OLD ASS WOOD TRACK and while you’re realizing this, the JACKHAMMERING BEGINS. Holy fuck, this was definitely up there with some of the roughest woodies I’ve ever willingly put myself through. Henry and I were bellowing our chorus of OWs like a couple of fallen angels taking their first waltz along the fiery coals of Hell.

Hey, GCI – bring some more of that smooth-ass track to Michigan, stat.

We didn’t ride this, but I thought the sign was cyoooooot.

Did I say Thunderhawk was the longest line we stood in that day? Scratch that bring it back, because it was actually Mad Mouse. We were prepared for this after watching numerous videos about how bizarre the ops are on this one, plus these damn wild mouse rides are GP faves so they always amass long lines no matter what.

Chooch was being such a baby about having to wait in line! Like we had anything else to do! I think he was really ready to leave because, GOD FORBID, his phone was dying/had died. Here’s a picture of Henry and Chooch talking about block zones and trying to understand why they were only allowing two cars on the course at once.

It really wasn’t that bad, waiting in this line. I think it was probably about 45 minutes (I mean, OK that’s pretty pathetic to wait that long for a wild mouse, but coaster creds make you do some dumb things). And it was actually a pretty decent ride!

After this, we stopped in the gift shop and bought some shirts (um, for one of the smallest, least-loved Cedar Fair parks, they have some great merch!), then made our way out of the park having ridden all of the coasters. Shivering Timbers was the highlight and you can let me fangirl about that in a separate post, if that’s OK with you. Cool, thanks!

Buh-bye, Michigan’s Adventure! You were not nearly as terrible as I had imagined. Hopefully Cedar Fair throws you a bone in the form of a new coaster and we will definitely come back!

Oh ho ho, 좋은 아침 여러분. Henry and I are currently en route to Columbus, Ohio to have lunch at Seitan’s Realm. Here is how that happened:

Every time we pass through Columbus, we want to eat there but it always happens to be on Sunday and they are closed! Finally, I couldn’t take anymore taunting via their Instagram feed so I yelled at Chooch to request off on some upcoming Saturday so that we can feast. Then a few weeks later he was like “I’m off on the 26th” and I rejoiced! But then I found out that he called off for a Pokemon “event” so this is why it is just Henry and me in the car and Chooch is still at home sleeping :(

Anyway it’s 7:19 and we just plied ourselves with coffee, NCT Dream is blaring, and I’m already about to start complaining about contacts. Woo road trip!!

8:55am: what a boring drive, as expected. We stopped at Sheetz for breakfast as per road trip protocol. Nothing interesting happened there at all. Then I listened to a few chapters of an audiobook but it was making me fall asleep (I mean the book is good but combined with being in the car, I was so drowsy).

9:12am time for a Renjun appreciation shout out, best NCT vocalist.

10:26am: Just arrived at Otherworld but our reservation isn’t until 11 so we’re just sitting in the car, you know, same as we’ve been doing for the last three hours.

OMG Henry’s memory of the day is from 2006 when I was pregnant and we were also in Columbus that weekend! The picture is my puke on the bathroom floor of the science center. IMAX & Slurpee was not a great combo for my mucho-prego self lol.

11:28 I live here now.

11:56am: Spent an hour at Otherworld and it was really fun but toward the end, it started to get really crowded so we were glad we left as early as we did and got there before our 11am reservation because this is not the type of place you can enjoy yourself with a crowd.

Henry: Really? Renjun’s Voice?

Yeah, so??

Now we’re on our way to Seitan’s Realm, finally!

12:30pm: finally at Seitan’s Realm!!

THIS IS ABOVE OUR BOOTH!!!

1:06pm: you guys wow. We just left and I will definitely need to write a separate review post thingy but it was so satisfying and I am wrecked that we live 3 hours away.

1:33pm: stopped at Topiary Park. We weee here years ago with Christina but it was rainy that day so I wanted to come back. It was smaller than I remembered and also super cold so we left after five minutes lol.

3:07pm: just peed in the nicest park bathroom ngl.

Some place called Blacklick Park I guess. I needed to go for a walk to digest and henry took forever finding a place and we had many fights.

Artec! Nooooo!

3:26pm this just in: I knew something moss-adjacent that Henry did not: that British Soldier lichen stuff!

That is not my picture but I have vivid memories of this shit being all over the fences along the side of my childhood street – Gillcrest – and I have never seen it since then. :(

3:36: Just stopped at 5 Bean Coffee and got a maple butterscotch latte which is quite delectable but I’m having ordering regertz because they had red velvet on the special menu that I didn’t see at first so I pointed it out to henry but he blew me off and just got something basic like his personality. Ugh.

3:44: we just drove past the gas station where we had to pull over one time on the way home from who knows where when Chooch was laughing so hard he peed his pants and henry was soooooo angry lol.

Meanwhile henry just called the car in front of us a COCKBITE.

4:47: just spent a cool $100 on Kpop pins in one of the pin maker’s shop updates. I also bought a keychain meant to be used as a frame for Kpop photo cards – so if you’re new here, that means that anytime you buy a Kpop album, one of the fun parts of it is finding out whose photocard you got because it’s totally random. Some of the super manic Stans will buy dozens of the albums in an effort to collect all of the photocards. It’s nuts!

But it got me thinking about how everyone was so shocked when I got into Kpop and admittedly I was too but it actually makes so much sense because I am a very obsessive and fanatical personality type. For instance, when I was in middle school, I had it SO BAD for Pgh Penguin Paul Coffey and used to carry his hockey card around with me everywhere like it was actually him. I can remember even taking him to the movies with my friends and giving him his own seat next to mine.

“So really I haven’t outgrown that part of myself at all,” I said to Henry just now, to which he mumbled, “You haven’t outgrown much of anything.”

Wwwwwwwwwow.

5:52pm: Made the mistake of telling Henry I don’t really understand sanctions and he stepped into his MANSPLAININ’ trousers and gave me a Lesson.

Also fuck Putin. What a miserable pathetic gremlin shadow of a man. Go drown in quicksand with Trump please, while grasping onto your tiny peepees.

6:33pm: Now we’re about 15 minutes from home but Son of the Year texted me and demanded an iced coffee so now we’re at Dunkin’ in Bridgeville and I just want to go hoooooommmmmeeee.

Posting this now I guess. What a lame live blog. Ciao ciao for now now.

You guys know I’m like super tightly-wound, right? OK then this next part of the GENESIS night will sound super on brand: So, when I bought the tickets back in May, I opted for the mobile option because I paid $$$ for this shit and am constantly at war with the USPS to begin with. The last thing they need is to lose my GENESIS TICKETS, you know? Anyway, I added the tickets to my Apple wallet a few months ago and noticed that there was no barcode on them like in the past. But then a squirrel probably came to the window and distracted me, so I didn’t think about it again until a few days prior to the show.

“DOES THIS LOOK RIGHT?” I screamed to Henry, who just shrugged and said he was sure it was fine. It didn’t “look fine” to me so I frantically googled “TICKETMASTER MOBILE TICKETS WEIRD HELP” and only found information on how they USED TO LOOK.

You know, with a BARCODE.

To be safe, I made sure I was logged into the Ticketmaster app because the barcode appeared on my tickets there. Then I kept getting all these  intense emails from the venue about the entry process, and learned this was actually a paperless ticket event so I guess I didn’t even have the option to get regular tickets? And then there was the BAG POLICY which had me stressed out too so I tried to make Henry measure my wallet, but he was like, “Um, this is fine. They’re not going to confiscate your tiny wallet” and I was like, “BUT THEY POSTED DIMENSIONS! DOES MY WALLET FALL WITHIN THOSE DIMENSIONS!” and because Henry is a Man who voluntarily took Industrial Arts in high school, he was able to just look at it and say yes.

I hate him.

Even at dinner that night, I was low-key on edge about the ticket thing. When Corey was in the bathroom, I checked my TicketMaster app AND IT WOULDN’T OPEN BECAUSE IT SAID I HAD NO INTERNET CONNECTION. So I was frantically Kakao’ing with Henry who suggested that I restart my phone so I did AND THEN IT LOGGED ME OUT OF THE APP TOTALLY. I literally could not get in to access the tickets so now it was Apple wallet or GTFO.

My only consolation was remembering that it was going to me and about 8465 elderly people in the same boat, and Henry reassured me that there would probably be plenty of people there to help. Who even am I?? One pandemic and suddenly I’m a concert n00b.

I finally admitted my concerns to Corey when we started our walk from Bae Bae’s to PPG Paints Arena but if was also worried about this, he did a great job hiding it. The walk itself was nice and brisk – I knew I was going to cold in that denim jacket but getting a picture of MATCHING SIBLING JEAN JACKETS would be worth it so I only complained a little.

Eventually, we began encountering other GENESIS fans along the way. You could just tell. I mean, one middle aged guy was playing Invisible Touch on his phone and gave us a head nod. Another middle aged guy yelled to us, “I NEED A JOINT HAHAHAHA” as we were waiting to the cross the street and it was so obvious he was only saying it to us in hopes one of us would be like, “OMG HERE YOU GO FELLOW GENESIS FAN” lol.

Anyway!! We finally got to the arena and forget what I said about being so cold because now I was SWEATING in anticipation of someone banging the gong when I attempted to scan my DEFECTIVE tickets. I was on my tiptoes, craning my neck to see if anyone ahead of us had the same-looking tickets and while most people had the barcoded ones from the Ticketmaster app, I did see someone with one that looked like ours. Then we got closer, I saw that the scanner had two options: a spot to hold your phone under to scan the barcode, and a spot up above where you just tapped your phone if you had one of the SCARY NON-TICKET LOOKING TICKETS like we had.

It took all of .0002 seconds to get in and Corey was like, “Honestly, I wasn’t worried at all.” OK COOL THANKS, BRO, GLAD I COULD TAKE ON THE WHOLE BURDEN FOR THE BOTH OF US, LOL.  I was still buzzing after that but then we got in line for merch and my anxiety finally transformed into actual excitement. It’s not easy being me sometimes, you guys. It really isn’t.

Corey and I both snagged a t-shirt (duh) and I also bought an art poster which is my favorite thing to buy at shows and I get so excited when they’re available! I didn’t even care how much it cost. This is pretty likely the last chance we will get to see Genesis (Phil said as much himself) so I was sparing no expense!

This was taken right in front of our seats so you can see that we had plenty of people-free room! If it was a hockey game, we would have been right behind the glass and over a bit to the right of the goal. It was really comfortable! Corey, being a Tall Person, was grateful that he had adequate leg room.

I was so pleased with this picture because the lady who took it for us was really determined to get the right shot. “I got some of the stage in the background,” she said knowingly, and we were both so happy with it!

“Remember when we went to see The Cure and that person took that really awkward picture of us turning around in our seats?” I asked Corey when we sat back down. Of course he remembered, how could he forget? IT WAS SUCH A TERRIBLE PICTURE AND SO AWKWARD TO POSE FOR:

I sent this to Corey after I got home later that night and his response was: Glow Up of the Decade, lol.

We had about 30 minutes to people watch* before the show started and Corey continued to gush over his ample leg room. I looked around and said, “Yep, this is exactly how I pictured it when I bought the tickets, right down to the garbage can positioned right in front of us.”

“Really??” Corey exclaimed.

“No!” I laughed. But that fucking garbage can would prove to be a NUISANCE as the night went on.

*(In case you were wondering, the median demographic for Genesis was definitely 55-70. I knew even I’d be one of the younger people there but I was actually kind of surprised at how few “younger” people I even saw!)

The lights went out a little after 8:00PM and Corey and I were practically foaming at the mouths. I was flabbergasted at how many people were still casually milling about, THROWING AWAY THEIR BEERS IN THE TRASH DIRECTLY IN MY LINE OF VISION, and just taking their good ol’ time getting back to their seats. And you know this was annoying to me because I used the word FLABBERGASTED. I don’t just drop that word down lightly, mmkay Brenda.

Anyway, I truly do not have the words to write a proper review of this show because my emotions are still overwhelming me. First of all, Phil Collins is ill and the fact that he even found the strength and drive within himself to carry out these shows is beyond imagination to me. I mean, what a boss. However, it was extremely sad to see him looking frail, and remaining seated through the duration of the concert. He seemed to be struggling at times with his vocals as well, but just being under the same roof as him was an incredible honor.

I definitely let the tears roll on occasion, but it didn’t fully hit me until the next morning, when I just broke down and sobbed while making breakfast to my usual soundtrack of Tonight Tonight Tonight (seriously, I’m always “Alexa, play Tonight Tonight Tonight” and it’s miraculously one of the few times she will deliver without incident).

I didn’t really hate anyone at this show except for the people who kept walking off and onto the floor during the whole entire show. Like, you can’t wait until later to get another fucking beer? Because the last time I checked, fucking G E N E S I S is up there performing for YOU and you’re just gonna walk out to get another IC Light. Wow. Just, wow. My favorite part was when these dumb fucks would come back and proceed to stand in the open space between our section and the last row of seats on the floor and the ushers were too fucking old and ambivalent to tell them to go back to their seats, so then we’d be staring at the backs of drunk Yinzers for a minute before they regained their bearings and staggered to their seat.

But then there was a middle-aged man and his father in the last row of the floor section and they were so fucking adorable with their father-son air-drumming that it canceled out how angry all the in-and-out beer and bathroom break people had made me. (Honestly though, I know how much those floor seats cost and you better believe I’d be holding my pee until Genesis said “No for real this is it, look, we’re taking a bow” and the lights came on.

For me, the highlights were definitely Tonight Tonight Tonight (I have VIVID childhood memories soundtracked by that song) and Mama.

LOL my attempt at getting a picture of Phil’s son on drums. What a prodigy!

This one time, I was standing in line for a haunted house and decided to assign very specific laughs to my friends for us to perform as we ran through the haunt. My laugh was Tom Hulce’s shrill chortle from “Amadeus” (I WAS SO GOOD AT IT), I taught Janna how to emulate the toe-curling throat scrape of the Sleazy Furnace Guy who had recently made like three appearances at my house around that time and it was just A Whole Thing really, and because Christina is so creepy in general I appointed to them the coveted Phil Collins mirthless laugh/groan from “Mama.” So basically, the best one.

This song just hits every time.

SETLIST

1. Behind the Lines / Duke’s End
2. Turn It On Again
3. Mama (!!!)
4. Land of Confusion (Phil’s intro to this song referenced the current state of the world making this song relevant and there was a video of toilet paper falling from the sky and people marching with face masks on; also I was obsessed with / terrified of this music video when I was a kid, lol)
5. Home By the Sea (I was imagining Phil was shouting SIT DOWN to all of the PEOPLE LEAVING THE FLOOR OMFG SIT DOWN)
6. Second Home By the Sea
7. Fading Lights
8. The Cinema Show
9. Afterglow
10. That’s All
11. The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway
12. Follow You Follow Me
13. Duchess
14. No Son of Mine
15. Firth of Fifth
16. I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe)
17. Domino
18. Throwing It All Away (Watching people throw their endless cans of beer away all night gave new meaning to this one)
19. Tonight Tonight Tonight (!!!)
20. Invisible Touch (PEOPLE WERE LEAVING DURING THIS SONG!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?)

ENCORE

1. I Can’t Dance
2. Dancing With the Moonlit Knight
3. The Carpet Crawlers

It was a wonderful show, you guys, and felt very symbolic that Corey and I got to see them together because it felt kind of therapeutic, five years after the 116 Gillcrest Trauma. Music really does heal, and Phil Collins / Genesis really helped scab over many of our emotional wounds, that is for fucking sure.

****

Henry and Chooch were sleeping by the time Corey dropped me off but I woke them and made them watch several video clips from the night (I took very few pictures and videos) and the very next day, Henry framed and hung my Genesis print because sometimes, he just knows the things that are important.

Action shot of The Hanging. (I actually took this to send to Chooch who was incessantly blowing up Henry’s phone about something stupid and I was like STOP BOTHERING HIM, HE IS DOING HIS CHORES. Kids, amirite.)

OMG *tearing up*

I love this wall! Every framed picture is a print from various concerts. I love collecting these! I have a ton of other ones too but I kept all of these ones together because they are the same size. So now every day, I get to walk past this and smile at the memory of seeing Genesis.

I saw Genesis! <3

I stumbled across this old blog post a few minutes ago and immediately needed to give it a second life because I miss Barb and the shit she says SO MUCH. I also miss being a hockey fanatic.

Alternately titled: Shit Barb Said At the Pens Game, 11/17/15.

Barb texted me Tuesday morning to see if I wanted to go to the game with her that night. I was already en route to work but I was like UM YES?! The only thing that would make me say no to a Pens game is if I was already going to a show that night or extreme illness. I waited until I was no longer in the car with Henry before I texted him: “BTW going to the Pens game with Barb tonight, LOL.” I wanted him to be jealous but instead he was just relieved that he wouldn’t have to come downtown to pick me up from work like he does every single evening because I deserve only the best.

I’m always happy to have the opportunity to hang out with Barb since I don’t get to see her every day at work anymore, and going to a Pens game with her is like the Ultimate Hang Out Scenario. The whole night was amaze: it was Fleury bobblehead night; the seats were fantastic; the PENS WON!; and I got to make fun of nearly everything Barb said all night, which brought back memories of the notebook I used to keep of all the dumb things she used to say when I sat next to her at work. MEM’RIES.

Here are some Barb moments for all you BR aficionados to chew on:

• We were talking about how much Henry resembles Mandy Patinkin (specifically his character on Homeland) and that sent Barb down a Mandyhole. “How old is Mandy Patinkin, I wonder? Let’s Google it. Oh look, he has his own website! He was born in 1952. When was Henry born? OK so that makes him how many years older than Henry….” I was like “I didn’t come to a hockey game to do math, BARB” so we closed that chapter, each content leaving it as “Henry is years younger than Mandy.”
• Then Barb made the mistake of telling me that she got out of bed the other night and made a list of all the TV shows she watches. “Then the next day I saw the list and said, ‘Why did I write this? I know what TV shows I watch’ so I threw the list out.
  buy cenforce online buy cenforce generic

  ” This is the part of the story where Barb, forgetting who she was talking to,  recounted her list to me.

  buy lasix online buy lasix generic

    

• And here’s the part of the night where Barb tells a dumb joke: “Did you know that Fedor Tyutin has a brother named Rutin? Say both names out loud. ROOTIN TOOTIN.”
• Then I thought she asked me if I was on the rag, but she was actually asking if I had the bag that our bobble heads were in. And then that made me wonder if anyone ever even says that anymore? I does seem like something Barb would ask someone, though.
• “You know what I think when I see [Pens coach] Mike Johnston? MILQUETOAST,” Barb muttered with contempt. (It’s true though! He is like, as blank and non-descript as Henry’s t-shirts.)

• Barb was really into this one guy’s pepper pants, so I tried my best to get a clandestine photo as he left the game. Don’t be surprised if you see her wearing her own pair sometime soon.
• “He’s so weird looking,” Barb sneered, pointing to Scuderi’s headshot in the program. “I think he looks like Glenn!” I argued. “Pfft, maybe Glenn’s UGLY BROTHER.” I had no idea she was so  adverse to Rob Scuderi’s face.
• A face she is decidedly NOT adverse to is that of Pascal Dupuis. We talked a bit about how she has feelings for him. She gets really flustered about it, too, so you know it’s real. A few days later, I told her that I told Chooch about this and he was like “What do you mean, Barb has FEELINGS for him?!” and then Barb was all humiliated and also nervous because god only knows what Chooch may do with this new knowledge.

‘

• This has nothing to do with Barb, but there was a moment when I got to be A HERO. As I sat down after we scored the first goal, I noticed something on the ground next to me. I picked it up and asked the lady next to me if it belonged to her. “Oh that’s my INHALER!” she exclaimed. “I could DIE without that!” and then her daughter was all, “THANK YOU FOR PREEMPTIVELY SAVING MY MOM’S LIFE!” and I was like, “No problem, that’s just what I do.” Barb missed this entire exchange because I think this was when she was Googling “where to buy pepper pants.”
• Barb spun many yarns of the days when the glass was lower and pucks where chucked out into the crowd with greater frequency. “One time I saw a lady get hit in the side of the head. Man, was there a lot of blood.” She looked kind of AROUSED by this memory, though.

• Barb took this terrible picture of me and posted it on Facebook but luckily, everyone was too busy fixating on the man behind us to notice my protruding Leno chin. Anyway, that man wound up having the best, most boisterous Ref heckles and he reminded me of the guy who got Kristy and I kicked out of the Pittsburgh Passion game two summers ago. Barb and I bonded with him and his wife later in the game as they openly and loudly complained of the girls behind them who hadn’t stopped talking about everything but the game from the moment they arrived. “I feel like I’m in Charlie Brown Town. ‘Mwahmwahmwah mwah mwah'” We were laughing so hard, and then later Barb was like, “What was he talking about, anyway?” GOD BARB, try to follow along!
• Speaking of errant pucks! One flew into the netting near our seats and Barb instinctively ducked. “I SAW THAT! I SAW YOU DUCK!” some old man ridiculed her as he walked past our seats. “God, tell the whole arena, why don’t you,” Barb muttered. “God Barb, it’s like it’s your first hockey game,” I said, getting in one last jab while she was down.
  buy levaquin online buy levaquin generic

• When Barb was taking me home, she meant to pull into the church parking lot across the street from my house but undershot the entrance and instead drove into the grass. “Oh my god, I”m so sorry!” she cried. “Are you literally apologizing to God since this is His house?” I asked. But she was just apologizing to me, it turns out, probably because she didn’t want this to go on my blog. YOU’RE WELCOME, BARB!

God, what a great night. I got to see Malkin score two goals (I LOVE HIM, HE REMINDS ME OF MY CAT DON; RIP DON), and laugh at all the ridiculous things Barb said.  Thank you, Barb! You’re the best!

Hey word-nerds. I figured I would keep up this book list on here because it’s fun and I don’t have much else going on. I decided at the end of my 2020 challenge that I definitely do not want to read over 200 books again. I mean – that was nuts and I would like to have more time like, watch a k-drama or something.

I think I set a goal of 50, which seems reasonable and not hyper-obsessive. Right? Except that I still have all this momentum and ended up reading 12 books in January regardless, but I am going to make a conscious effort to slow the eff down from here on out, I swear to myself.

Anyway, here are the first 6 books I read in January, which was an “OK” reading month.

1. Pizza Girl – Jean Kyoung Frazier

What a weird little effing book this one was! Every so often, I take advantage of my library’s recommendation service and the librarian this time around gave me some right recs. We follow an 18-year-old pregnant Korean American, out of high school and lost, working at a pizza shop, when one day she takes a call from a frenzied mom begging for pickles to be added to her son’s pizza. Intrigued by this, the girl then goes out of her way to procure  the pickles and after delivering the pizza, she starts to become obsessed with the lady.

This book was so uncomfortable at times, funny, sad — there’s an underlying exploration of grief that I could relate to more than I wanted to, as it becomes clear that the girl never fully mourned the semi-recent death of her alcoholic father.

I don’t know, I really vibed with this and it was a great book to kick off the new year! Also, the cover is amaze.

2.  The Party – Robyn Harding

LOL this book was so bad. In regard to the blurb on the front cover: This was more like if a 12-year-old binged Big Little Lies and then tried to write her own version of it. Every single character was written SO POORLY.  The pizza in the book above had more personality than anyone in this book, which is a shame because it was multi-POV and I usually really enjoy books written that way.

Dumb dumb dumb. I hate being a shithead toward published authors because obviously what have I published, but not only was the plot just….huh??….but the writing was bland and unexceptional. Basically, this is something that a mom would grab at an airport bookstand last minute and forget about by the time the plane lands. Skip this!!

3. Us Against You (Beartown #2) – Fredrik Backman

My friend Eve commented a few months ago and told me that she liked Beartown but she LOVED Us Against You. I thought these were strong words because I LOVED BEARTOWN and couldn’t even imagine how a sequel could best the original.

And then I read it and with saline-swollen eyes and a stuffy nose, I wailed, “SHE WAS RIGHHHHHHHT.” This book is everything. I have since also gotten Janna and Henry to read both and we are like a small little Pittsburgh chapter of the Beartown Bros.

We’re still following Hockey Lyfe in Beartown, most of the characters from the first book are back but we get some new ones too and I can’t stress enough how masterful Backman is at writing characters. Every character has a purpose. Every sentence matters. I sobbed my face off numerous times during my reading journey because the people in this book feel so fucking real to me, my heart aches anytime something bad happens to them.

Drew was actually staring at me with huge concerned eyeballs when I finished the last page because I was legit ugly-sobbing. Like, CRYING OUT LOUD.

You do not have to be a hockey person to enjoy these books. Please read them. A third one is coming out at some point and I am considering medication before I start reading it. Oof.

4. Little Fires Everywhere – Celeste Ng

This one kept getting bumped off my TBR last year but I made a point of getting it read in 2021. By now, you probably have at least heard of this thanks to the Reese Witherspoon Hulu adaptation, which I have not seen.

I thought this book was OK! I enjoyed the references to Bethel Park, which isn’t shocking since the author grew up in Pittsburgh, but overall I didn’t really connect to it like I had hoped to. I read “Everything I Never Told You” last year and thought that one was INCREDIBLE. The emotions felt so tangible to me while reading it and I guess I had expected the same from Little Fires. I think if I had read this one first, I would have liked it more but I did think the plot was super interesting and really gave you a lot to think about (if you read this, I’m sure you will know which side I was on).

I needed more Izzy though. She was fucking amazing. Give Izzy her own story!!

5. All the Birds, Singing – Evie Wyld

HOLY.FUCKING.SHIT. Is Evie Wyld a master at timeline fuckery? Yes, I believe she is. After I read “The Bass Rock” last year, I was really eager to devour more of her words and All the Birds did not disappoint. It’s weird how I can handle the most gory horror, abuse, rape etc in books, but as soon as you start adding “animal stuff” I am like, THIS BOOK IS HARD TO READ. And that’s how it was this. Lots of sheep killing, there are some pretty graphic scenes, but everything matters. It didn’t feel gratuitous.

Like The Bass Rock, this one took me a bit to decode the timeline, but once I did, I kind of sat up straight and said out loud, “Wait…is this…did she really…wow.” It’s just….WYLD. Lol.

I actually need to re-read this one at some point, now that I have a better understanding of the timeline. I love it when you’re reading a book and it just suddenly clicks. This book is a treasure!

6. Harrow Lake – Kat Ellis 

I actually kind of liked this more than I thought I would considering it’s a YA thriller/mystery. The daughter of a famous horror movie director goes back to the town where his most famous film was set, and accidentally falls into a mission to find out what really happened to her mom. Is this something that I will remember years from now? Nope. Did it provide some entertainment via audiobook while I was slogging through a miserable workday? Yeah boi. And that’s really all I can ask for.

We made it to December!! I have to hurry up and get this recap done because I want to do a 2020 FAVORITES list and two of my favorites actually came from my December reads!! Gonna try to bust this out into one post!! Let’s go, Lucy!

1. Watch Over Me – Nina LaCour

Talk about starting the month off on a bad note. This book was pretty awful. Boring. Cold. Flat characters. The reviews I read were gushing over how no one writes sad girls like Nina LaCour, queen or emo and loneliness, etc etc. I got none of that. I got “try hard,” “disjointed,” “boring,” “what a gorgeous cover wasted on an empty book. I felt nothing and at times I even forgot what was happening. Hard pass.

2.  The Black Flamingo – Dean Atta

Fuck yes – I love me some good coming of age / coming out books, add in some drag and I am there for it, Mary. I feel the most emotions when reading about marginalized people finding comfort in their skin and a community where they can spread their wings and really fucking fly. This was an exceptional journey through Michael’s life, starting from his joy of Barbies as a child to flourishing in drag as a young adult. Also, it’s written in verse so if you like Elizabeth Acevedo, why haven’t you picked this one up yet?

I feel like this should be required reading in school. Honestly, if I were a teacher, I’d want my students to read books like this.

3. The Graveyard Apartment – Mariko Koike 

Japanese horror movies are my favorites, so I figured I would enjoy this book. Typical with Japanese (and Korean) horror/thrillers, this one was slow and quiet. Basically, a young family moves to a new, luxury apartment complex across from a cemetery, but there are only a handful of other units occupied. It seems it’s because people just don’t want to live across from a cemetery, but then some spooky shit starts happening and our fam is eventually like “OK, UNCLE. WE’RE CALLING IT. UNCLE” and they decide it’s time to find new digs BUT WILL THE COMPLEX LET THEM LEAVE?!!?

There were some chilling moments but nothing that TRULY scared me. However, I really felt attached to the main family (the dog too!!) and rooted for them so hard to win at the end. And speaking of the end – I genuinely liked it but I wonder if that’s an unpopular opinion…

4. Real Life – Brandon Taylor

I had high hopes for this book because it seemed like something I would like based on the fact that I’m obsessed with books in the vein of The Great Believers, but ultimately it was just kind of a drag. We follow the main character, a gay Black grad student, who has some pretty dysfunctional and toxic relationships with a group of friends, and I just didn’t care about him nor did I care about any of his friends, and he becomes involved with one of the guys in his group who is kind of like his frenemy? And also straight?

Was this just too academic for me? Should I ask Alexa?

5. We Ride Upon Sticks – Quan Barry

It’s been several weeks since I finished this and I still can’t stop thinking about it. Is Quan Barry my new favorite author? Am I considering getting a tattoo to celebrate (and consummate???) my love of the words on these pages? Will I ever get over these characters? Am I currently listening to She Bop on repeat?

YES YES NO YES.

I wasn’t expecting to find what is I THINK the best book I read in 2020 so late into the reading year, but holy-fucking-shit this blew me away. It was also 100% NOT what I was expecting. The synopsis, no matter how many different ways I try to frame it, always comes off sounding like some cheesy young adult romp through an I Love the 80s VH1 special but it’s so much deeper and complex than that. First of all, it’s not YA. Second of all, the pop culture references don’t feel cheap but instead act as a warm fucking hug, like Jane Fonda leg warmers for the soul.

We follow a high school girls’ field hockey team at a New England high school in the 80s. There is some connection to the Salem Witch Trials to the town of Danvers, and so we get some witchy/magical realism action which flows seamlessly through the story so that it’s not hokey at all and only makes us question, “Wait, is this real life?”

We follow, individually and as a whole, each player of the field hockey team, and each one of these kids has a story and identity. There is also some BRILLIANT personification (ex.: one of the girls has stereotypical Aqua Net 1980s bangs with a mind of its own, and also a name of its own: The Claw) and the dialogue is SO SMART that I actually started crying several times not because the story was sad (it’s FUCKING HILARIOUS) but because Quan Barry DID THAT. This is the kind of book that I read and think, “I am never writing again. There is no point. There is only Quan Barry.”

I do not know how else to get you to read this book. But if you’re looking for PURE FUN that somehow manages to weave in social and racial commentary without hurting the flow, you have got to give this a chance. I would love to see this as a TV miniseries, only if it stayed true to Barry’s vision.

6. The Queen’s Gambit – Walter Tevis 

After bingeing the Netflix series in November, I really wanted to read the book because I’m always curious to see how true to the pages adaptations stay. And it was PRETTY SIMILAR. A few differences but nothing too glaring.

So, I know very little about chess and I really had no desire to watch the show until my favorite YouTube couple, Sarah and Kyuho, raved about it. I decided to give it a chance and found it super compelling! I think the fact that it was set in the 60s really kept me hooked too though because I LOVE shows that are set in the 60s/70s/80s. I liked the book just fine, but I don’t think this would have ever been something I would have picked up otherwise. And yes, there were pages upon pages detailing chess moves which was like “zzzzz.” But goddamn, Beth is such an interesting character and I loved reading about her intellectually emasculating dude after dude after dude.

7. One By One – Ruth Ware

I’ve only read one other Ruth Ware book, but there seems to be a common opinion in the book community where her books are very hit or miss. Everyone seems to really love some of her books and absolutely hate others. Having really enjoyed the one book I read of hers earlier in the year, I was curious to see if this phenomenon would be true for me, too.

YEP. This book was so bad. Boring. Predictable. Characters that felt like they were fleshed out by a middle schooler writing a “thriller” in her notebook during study hall which may or may not be something I’m familiar with. Waaaaay too much talk about the stocks of this dumb company that most of the characters work for. A truly lackluster climax. I literally couldn’t believe the same broad who wrote The Turn of the Key wrote this pile of drivel.

Skip this and go read an Agatha Christie novel instead.

8. With the Fire on High – Elizabeth Acevedo

Isn’t this cover beautiful?!!? I had a long time to admire it because I snagged this book from a local Little Free Library over the summer and then proceeded to drown in library books and was in a perpetually race against due dates so this lovely lady kept getting bumped back. But I finally had time in December to tackle it and it was wonderful, as are all of Acevedo’s books. Elizabeth writes characters who are so real, brimming with family values while also craving the independence and freedom to be their own person and follow their dreams, and you will CHEER THESE GIRLS ON.

In this one, Emoni is a teen mom who dreams of being a chef, but she’s trying to juggle the very real priorities that come with being a mom while also working a part time job in order to help her abuela with living expenses, and the stress is palpable.

I always get the audio books for Acevedo’s books because she narrates them herself and it’s just a real treat. I can’t wait for her next book!

9. The Bass Rock – Evie Wyld

I was kind of intimidated by this book, not gon’ lie. There are several British Booktubers that I love and have gotten some great recs from their videos but their book tastes can be admittedly way too…intelllectual? Advanced? Literary? for my pea brain to handle. But they raved about this book all year long and I finally took the plunge.

It was not what I expected! Admittedly, it was a bit difficult to get into at first because there are three different timelines but eventually it clicked in my college drop-out head. We follow three women: Viv, in present day, who is tasked with taking inventory of her step-grandmother’s empty house; Ruth, back in post-WW2 times, who has just remarried and has moved into a large possibly haunted (dot dot dot) house by the sea; and Sarah, who has been accused of being a witch and is running from townspeople in the 1700s.

Violence against women is the heavy theme of this book, but there are still some light moments and humor which really made this story shine. I don’t want to say too much more about it because I walked into this only knowing that it was a gothic novel with some witchiness and ghosts and I think I expected it to be super dry for some reason. I love being wrong in these types of cases! I tried to explain the plot to Henry and he was just like, “ew feminism, boys are best” j/k he didn’t say that but he also had the “Don’t care” glaze over his face so now someone (maybe YOU??) has to read this so we can talk about it and by talk I mean possibly have a comment exchange that goes like “that book was amazing” and “IKR?!?!?!”

This is why I don’t do book groups.

I will probably think about Viv and Ruth forever.

10. Don’t Look For Me – Wendy Walker

This is a thriller. I have lukewarm feelings. Didn’t care much about anyone, all the men were sleazy, WTF was going on with the husband and was it ever explained or did I miss it, there is a small child that I absolutely hated and I don’t even feel bad about it. I’d recommend passing on this one, but it served as an OK filler while I looked for something better.

11. The Hollow Places – T. Kingfisher

WHOA another book that was not at all what I was expecting based on the cover! If you’re looking for true horror, probably skip this one because it’s actually more funny than scary. I heard someone say that the two main characters reminded them of Lorelai Gilmore and Michel and I would agree WHOLE-HEARTEDLY on the Lorelai front but if we’re going full Gilmore Girls comparisons with this, I would say that her sidekick reminded me WAY MORE of Kurt.

Basically, we follow a recently-divorced woman who moves back to her small hometown and moves into her uncle’s roadside attraction-esque museum in exchange for helping him inventory all of his wares. (Think: fiji mermaids, etc.) One day, she discovers a large-ish hole in one of the walls, presumably damaged by a tourist, and she enlists the barista at the downstairs coffee house to help her patch the hole. During this process, they discover that the hole actually leads to basically another dimension, and this part sort of reminded me of The House of Leaves, and I will admit that this part of the book started to lose me a little because it was just a bit sci-fi for me – I hate other dimensions/worlds/portals type of plots because my brain just don’t work that way.

But then as the book progresses, never losing the quirky and quick-witted banter, we come back to the museum and shit gets a bit Wonderfalls-y – do you guys remember that show?! IT WAS SO GOOD AND OF COURSE CANCELED AFTER LIKE ONE SEASON.

I would love to read more books with these characters, as long as it didn’t involve the exploration of parallel universes, lol.

12. Watching You – Lisa Jewell

I typically enjoy Lisa Jewell thrillers but this one didn’t do it for me. Basically, we follow a bunch of shitty neighbors spying on each other and one of them is some 50-ish year old male teacher who didn’t seem all that heart-throbby based on the description but somehow young girls obsess over him and I just didn’t get it at all.

Super far-fetched and just didn’t really work for me.

14. Long Bright River – Liz Moore

Exceptional!! Major trigger warning for drug addition. We follow a cop, Micky, who is searching for her estranged, addict sister while a string of murders are hitting her childhood neighborhood in Philly. We get glimpses into the past too to help us understand how Micky and her sister ended up on different paths and it’s actually heart-breaking to see how close they were, to being nothing to each other because of drugs. Present-day Micky is doing all she can to juggle her job as a cop with being a single mom to a young boy, and when she goes rogue to find her sister, major feathers are ruffled on the police force. Fucking popo.

This isn’t just a thriller or mystery though – this is a literary masterpiece that explores how drug abuse tears families apart. Liz Moore’s writing is really unique, the way she writes dialogue really appealed to me, but above all that, if Obama tells you this was one of his favorite books of 2020, you fucking listen to him and open the damn book.

15. Grown – Tiffany D. Jackson

Be prepared to be ANGRY while reading this. Tiffany D. Jackson is the queen of writing about those hard topics and this one will make you see red. The author claims that this is not low-key about R.Kelly but the similarities are there: a successful Black singer (in his late 20s) takes a young girl under his wing, promising her a music career, and the grooming starts IMMEDIATELY. There’s abuse, rape, gas-lighting, kidnapping – you name it, it happens in this book and it’s sickening because you know this shit is real, this shit happens to girls every day. The most heartbreaking part for me though was how hard her father fought to get her back. (I’m getting choked up as I think about this!!)

The worst part #2 for me was that I could easily picture myself, at 16, falling prey to this same type of shit. If some singer I loved started texting me, are you kidding?? I’d be all over that without even thinking that it was wrong. These men have SO MUCH POWER because they KNOW that young girls aren’t going to think twice, that these girls THINK that they’re grown enough to consent to this thinly-veiled abuse, and I am actually so thankful, as I write this, that I don’t have a daughter but it just means that I have to put in the work as a parent to ensure that my SON doesn’t become a MAN who thinks this shit is OK. Especially when we see it time and time again on TV shows. Teachers and students, mostly. (It happens in the pilot episode of Dawson’s Creek, for god’s sake!) And yeah, we mostly see it happening between men and girls, but it does go both ways! I remember watching Pretty Little Liars with Henry and he was enraged time and time again by this.

“Grown” is an extreme case of this but we know that it happens, nevertheless. Tiffany D. Jackson is an amazing writer.

16. Alice – Christina Henry 

A very (very!!) dark retelling of Alice in Wonderland. That’s really all you need to know. We have a world of murder, violence, and sex with some VERY DIFFERENT portrayals of familiar characters. For instance, the Walrus rapes his victims while eating them.

Definitely not a book to read your kids at night, but DEFINITELY a book for YOU to read if you love the Wonderland world and are looking for a much darker take on it.

I thought it was excellent and also a very quick read. Also, can we talk about that cover?!

***

So that’s it! All of the books I read in December! I ended the year having read a total of 204 books and while I’m always up for a challenge and that was a cool milestone, I am very content to going back to casually reading with no goal in mind!