(I originally typed Heresy Park in the title and now I want there to be a Heresy Park that sounds really fucking raise-the-pitchfork amazing.)

This post is mostly going to be about ROLLER COASTERS because that’s all we rode that day, but first I want to say that when Chooch was updating his dorktastic Coaster Credit spreadsheet to add all of the Hershey coasters, he realized that he left out every single coaster from Dollywood somehow, which means that the coaster in Lake Compounce that we thought was his 100th was actually his 107th or something like that so now we have to sit down and try to organize everything by date to see what his actual 100th coaster actually was, maybe something from King’s Dominion? WHY ARE WE SUCH LOSERS.

Shall we begin? After the loooooong pandemic hiatus, our first coaster was none other than Hershey Park’s brand new hyper coaster, Candymonium. It actually opened last year, along with several other highly-anticipated coasters, and as tempting as it was to still go to parks last summer, we decided to wait and it was EXCRUCIATING!! I couldn’t watch coaster videos for most of 2020 because I was so fucking depressed and choking on FOMO.

Candymonium is right by the entrance and any coaster expert will tell you to immediately go to the back of the park and work your way through it that way to avoid long lines, but for this one, the wait was about 30 minutes when we got there and I was like “No, we are mounting this motherfucking NOW.” Henry was being a bitch-boy about getting a locker for his man-purse and finally just yelled, “JUST GO WITHOUT ME” – why does he do this shit to himself??

Thoughts on waiting in line for the first time since 2019:

• still hate it
• still makes me yawn uncontrollably
• Chooch doesn’t talk to me
• dorky white families still play Heads Up like no one is around them
• BUT OMFG I’M IN LINE FOR A ROLLER COASTER!!!!

The line moved pretty steadily because they were running three trains and the ops were pretty efficient, so I couldn’t complain too much. However, I noticed that even though each row seats 4 people, they were sending trains with just two people in some of the rows so I wasn’t sure if it was because they weren’t mixing groups due to Covid restrictions, but then I realized that no, people are just assholes and groups of two were purposely sitting in ways that prevented other people from getting on with them, because later in the day, we rode Skyrush twice with other people in our row.

DON’T BE THAT ASSHOLE!!! Get in and move all the way down so other people can get in after you! Jesus fucking Christ!

Also, I think the same song was playing over and over the whole time we were in line. Also #2, there was a young sister and brother duo in front of us who were fake-fighting the entire time and it was SO FUCKING ANNOYING and a very quick reminder that I hate being around people and I wish that social distancing was still being enforced while standing in line, because that little fucking boy almost fell into my 87 times and it wasn’t until we were almost at the station when the older sister finally said to him, “BE CAREFUL THERE ARE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU!”

Wow thanks. At the very end.

Thoughts on Candymonium?

• super smooth
• a nice first coaster of the pandemic
• kind of underwhelming though

We rode in the back on our first ride, and the front on the second ride. We are usually Backseat Riders, but I will say that the front row was better on this one.

Anyway, while we were on the break-run, waiting to come back to the station, we saw Henry walking like a Man on a Mission.

“HE HAS SOMETHING!” Chooch cried, and we were straining to see what it was.

Turns out he splurged and for the first time of our lives, Bench-Warming Dad bought us Fast Lane wristbands!!! Of course he went for the cheapest tier which meant we could skip the line once on all coasters and a selection of flatrides, and it is a REALLY good thing he did that because those lines were wicked. In fact, after we got off Candymonium, the wait time had shot up to 170 minutes.

No. Thank. You.

The next one we rode was Great Bear. We opted not to use our wristbands for this one because the line was pretty short (15-20 minutes) and we wanted Henry to ride it too since he didn’t get the Fast Lane for himself. Those things are exorbitant, it’s actually criminal. Why can’t all parks be like Disney?? Disney has the greatest fast pass system in the whole fucking world. You’re already paying $$ for the ticket, plus $$ for parking, and you’re inevitably going to spend $$ on food, so why the fuck should these asshole themeparks make you pay $$$ extra to ensure that you’ll get to ride things that you ALREADY PAID FOR. And all it does it make the general queues move even slower. Set up complimentary fast pass reservations for the best, most popular rides, and let people get to select a time for 3 or 4 of them. One time use. Bam. Not everyone can afford to pay $99 extra per person to do this!! Luckily, Henry had his “FOR FUN TIMES” cash on him and was like “Well, hard-saved cash, it’s now or never.”

And thank god he did this because the day would have been even worse (I mean, it wasn’t a TERRIBLE day but it could have been!).

Anyway, I was happy to have Henry in line with us because now I had someone to talk to since Chooch is 15 and everything I say is so dumb or if he doesn’t hear me, he spits, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU” in the most disgusted grunt ever. I AM SO TERRIBLE TO BE AROUND, YOU GUYS.

Great Bear is an unsung hero!!! Holy shit, I fucking LOVED this coaster! B&M inverted coasters are so much fun to ride in the back because you literally have no idea what is coming next and everything was a pleasantly surprise. I laughed through the whole ride!

By now, the park was P-A-C-K-E-D and lines were spilling out onto the walkways. Chooch and I used our Fast Lane to ride Skyrush, except that when Chooch scanned his wristband, it lit up red. The young and very ambivalent girl working the Fast Lane gate said he would have to go to customer service, but he quickly said, “I think it’s because I scanned it twice.” She didn’t even question him and let him slide right on in.

So we ended up only having to wait about 5-10 minutes from there, and was it worth it? Um, no? This fucker is painful. And I knew that too from all the dumb videos I watch but I was like, “Well, these videos are all made by sissy-lala men who think everything hurts because they are so precious, so I’m sure I’ll be fine.

BITCH. This motherfucker KILLED MY THIGHS. It felt like I was simultaneously stung by Murder Hornets and being whipped by the rosaries of 5 nuns. It was RELENTLESS. I couldn’t even tell you if I enjoyed this fucking ride, to be honest, because I was in tears of pain by the end and could barely breathe.

Skyrush more like THIGHCRUSH. Fuck you.

Sooper Dooper Loop was next and it was basically just Baby’s First Upside Coaster. We stood in the regular line for this because it was so short, figuring that if we liked it, we’d be able to come back later and use the Fast Lane, but nah. The best part was watching the geese hang out along the water while waiting in line.

I probably would have thought I was hot shit for riding this as a kid in the single digits, though.

Comet was next – just your classic smaller scale woodie, and the line was outrageous. We used our Fast Lane (the girl didn’t even make us scan it, just asked, “did you buy them today?” and then let us through) and lemme tell you, once was enough. Also, GIGANTIC BEES were buzzing around when we sat idly on the brake run for a solid three minutes it felt like.

*Break from riding to argue over food*

It was around this point that I realized we could track our lines on the Hershey app so we could see which rides we had left for the Fast Lane. It had all three of our names on the account when I accessed it, but the word “Activated” was only next to my name. So this explained why when Chooch scanned his on Skyrush, it came up as red. And thank god that girl on Comet didn’t make us scan them or it wouldn’t have worked there, either! So now Henry was all LET ME SEE THAT because of course I must have been doing something wrong since I’m a natural dumbo, but after examining the app, he was like, “WE WILL JUST GO TO THIS FAST LANE KIOSK AND ACTIVATE IT” but it wouldn’t scan Chooch’s barcode.

We had to walk all the way back to the entrance plaza so that Henry could go and talk to a real person inside the Fast Lane building. They were in there for quite a while, but Henry said it was OK when they came back. We started to walk away and after several minutes, something made me check the app again. Now, it said “activated” next to Chooch’s name, and NOT MY NAME. Henry was like, ‘IT IS PROBABLY FINE’ and I said, “Look, bitch, they took my Fast Lane account and applied it to Chooch and now I don’t fucking have one.” Because Chooch’s Fast Lane had Skyrush taken off of it, when he didn’t actually “have” a Fast Lane at that point.

So back we went, through the mass of traffic-jammed baby strollers (seriously, baby strollers ruin everything, leave your fucking babies at home lol no I’m serious), back to the Fast Lane building which now had a line because some douchebag guy WITH A BABY STROLLER was there to collect all of his pass holder perks so he was tying up one clerk, while a family of n00bs was making another old man clerk explain in GREAT DETAIL the differences between the two Fast Lane options (NOT ROCKET SCIENCE: one can only be used once at a selection of rides; one is UNLIMITED – OMG do you have a CHART to explain that? A whiteboard?!). Meanwhile, NOAH THE 19-YEAR-OLD MANAGER was sitting behind his computer screen with an ultra-relaxed and bored posture, languidly counting money while the line continued to grow. I could feel the bubbles popping as my blood was brought closer to a boil.

We had a very kind but flustered woman helping us and I felt extremely bad for her because, LONG STORY SHORT, Noah had to come over and offer his completely blase managerial assistance (literally the way he ever-so-slowly rose from his chair and sighed on his way over made me want to punch him in the nose). Essentially what happened was that HE FUCKED IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE so the woman had to sort through all of the receipts from that day looking for both mine and Chooch’s so that NOAH could re-activate them PROPERLY this time, and the whole fucking time she looked so defeated as she continuously apologized to us while NOAH let her take the fall.

FUCK ALL OF THE NOAHS IN THE WORLD, SINCERELY.

Also, let it be known that shit was straightened out the second time because I was in charge of clearly explaining the sitch because GOD ONLY KNOWS what bullshit nonsense Henry mumbled on the first try.

Apparently, they were having trouble with this all day though because we heard some dad tell the Fast Lane guy on another ride that everything was screwed up, they paid for the Fast Lane, go ask Customer Service and that was enough for the Fast Lane gate keeper to lift his arm out of his puddle of ennui long enough to unfastened the chain and grant them entrance.

So maybe there was some type of computer glitch. I will give them a pass on that, especially considering all of the Fast Lane attendants were so quick to let people through regardless. BUT I WILL NOT EXCUSE THE BULLSHIT BEHAVIOR OF NOAH AND HOW HE TREATED THAT POOR LADY WHO WAS TRYING SO HARD (way harder than his fuckboy ass) TO FIX SHIT FOR US.

And! They gave us a “bonus” ride for any ride of our choice, which is how we were able to ride Skyrush a second time later in the day and I tried to cheat the system by raising my feet onto the toes to bring my thighs up higher when the attendant came around to push down the lap bars, to prevent them from stapling me. JOKE’S ON ME THOUGH because even though I earned myself some wiggle room, as soon we descended that first hill, the lap bar came down one more click on its own, successfully stapling me in and ensuring that I would have another joy ride in the Iron Maiden.

Fuck that ride so hard! I’m glad I got the credit because I don’t think I will ever ride it again unless I strap a ring of maxi pads under my jeans.

Here’s part of Storm Runner which was closed and I was REALLY SAD but also prepared for this because I follow Hershey on Instagram and they have been trying to get a part for this coaster since last year. I heard it might open on Memorial Day weekend so MAYBE at some point in the fall, I will MAYBE consider going back but right now the thought of returning is not very appealing.

If you’ve ridden one boomerang, you’ve ridden them all, but if you keep a spreadsheet of every coaster you’ve ridden, then you still have to ride it. Ugh. This one was at least less terrible than the one in Lake Compounce, but man, there is something extremely terrifying about that first lift hill. I can’t even remember what this was called, but it was like “Name of Coaster: Sponsored by Name of Corporation” which I thought was tacky.

Hold on. I’ll look it up.

Sidewinder: Presented by Penn State Health.

Cool story.

Oh! When we were in line for this, one of the ride operators kept running back and forth past us, and then Hershey EMTs arrived with their big ass cooler of supplies and we were like WHAT IS HAPPENING because they were still sending trains. Turns out some older lady was like, overheated or having some kind of spell because they had her sitting on a stool while they applied ice packs to her and took her blood pressure. It was exciting to watch. I mean, because she clearly wasn’t dying! She was sipping her water and seemed like she was OK, leave me alone!

I mean, Wild Mouse is Wild Mouse. Nothing to really say about it except that while we were in line, some DAD completely waded through the landscaping and then scaled a wall just so he could join his family in line in front of us and I would have REALLY CAUSED A STINK over this except that they were already going to need to be in two cars anyway so it didn’t affect us.

Across from the Wild Mouse was the Wildcat, a woodie that turned out to be unexpectedly fantastic. There was about a 20 minute wait and we couldn’t use our Fast Lane on this because the regular line started PAST the Fast Lane entrance so it was pointless. So basically, even if the queue was full, using a Fast Lane will still have you waiting 20 minutes, which doesn’t seem very Fast Lane-esque to me.

I was trying very hard all day to not let people piss me off that day and I was doing a pretty fine job, I think, until this ride. I kept hearing wet slurping behind me. I knew there was a couple in their late 20s / early 30s behind us and I was like, “OMG ARE THEY MAKING OUT” and then became convinced that this is what was happening. Eventually, I stole a glance over my shoulder, and nope, it wasn’t that at all. The Discount Duff Goldman part of the couple was eating Dippin’ Dots. WHO EATS DIPPIN’ DOT THAT LOUDLY AND WETLY? Oh, I was in so much aural pain.

Chooch and I bonded over this later. The anguish over other people’s mouth sounds is truly something that never fails to unite us.

The only other coaster Henry rode all day was Lightning Racer because the line was not long at all. Chooch decided he was going to ride by himself so he crossed over to wait for the opposing train. We tried to align ourselves so that we would be able to race each other but he couldn’t get anyone to go ahead of him, so he ended up riding on the cycle before ours which was a bummer because WE WOULD HAVE BEATEN HIM!

Lightning Racer was so good! It has cemented itself up there as one of my favorite racers – it’s definitely better than Kennywood’s Racer (although that one is iconic because it’s a Mobius loop and also vintage at this point) and that shitty one at King’s Island, but I also REALLY like Gemini at Cedar Point and Racer 76 (I think??) at King’s Dominion. There is a racer coaster out in California that got the RMC treatment so I’m sure if I ever got to try that one on for size, it would be an easy #1!

However, Lightning Racer had a TUNNEL and I love when coasters have TUNNELS and I scream-laughed, “UNEXPECTED TUNNEL!!!!!” in my Bobcat Goldthwait bray as we cruised through it.

I actually wish we had ridden that again before we left.

The other coasters we rode that I have nothing really to say about was Trailblazer, which was just a mediocre family ride, and LaffTrakk which is an indoor Crazy Mouse-type of coaster similar but inferior to Kennywood’s Exterminator and also, even with Fast Lane, we waited for a solid 45 minutes and this was 100% not worth it. The queue was all indoors and it was so fucking hot in there that I getting pretty swirly.

I guess the only other notable thing, coaster-wise, was that when we were waiting in the loading area for our second ride on Skyrush, there was a group of Chooch-aged boys in front of us who thought it would be cute to chuck candy over the railing at their mom, who was waiting below with other family members. They thought they missed so they ducked back in line, leaving Chooch standing there alone, looking like he had been caught red-handed. The loading station for Skyrush is elevated so we were several feet above ground level making it easy for them to not be seen from the ground when they moved back from the railing. Their mom made an “I’m watching you” gesture to Chooch and he nearly melted into the ground lol.

Anyway, that concludes my titillating review of Hershey. I feel like it can’t always be as shitty as it was on this particular day because I have legit never heard anyone complain about it, so sorry Covid–but I’m blaming you!!

Stay tuned for my Knoebels recap because we also went there that weekend and, spoiler alert, IT WAS THE PERFECT DAY.

I have sad news. Well, sad news for me. You probably won’t care (who are you anyway, hello out there?). My dear friend Jiyong, whom I met via the Hello Talk language exchange app in 2019 – actually it was about three years ago to the date! – is moving back to Korea next week. We lost all of 2020 due to Covid obvi and my 한글 process suffered greatly but I mostly just missed seeing my friend every week, inevitably spilling my coffee, and just having really amazing conversations about cultural differences and getting to know each other.

I do not make true friends very easily (acquaintances, yes!) and she quickly became one of the VERY FEW people I had consistent contact with. So when she told me a few mths ago that she and her husband are leaving Pittsburgh, the tears squirted out. Still though, I am SO HAPPY for both of them!

Very grateful that we both had the incredible opportunity to receive the vaccination because that made it possible for us to safely have one last hang out (hopefully just here in PGH and not forever!). Jiyong asked me to take her someone cool and I couldn’t think of a better place than the Mattress Factory, which, in a way, reminds me of Korea because of the super outrageous and trendy sunglass company, Gentle Monster. Their flagship stores are basically Mattress Factory, but add sunglasses for sale.

Oh man, I had such a fun time sharing my favorite Pittsburgh place with her!

And if she hadn’t been there with me, I’d have never known that these are actually very old Korean coins!

It was also blessedly not crowded.

Afterward, we got some burritos at El Burro and ate them on a bench at a park across the street. It was a really great but extremely bittersweet day!

Oh! And I asked her if we ever make it back to Korea (henry says we will!), if we can go to the Han River and have a picnic because it’s something we always wanted to do but the process of ordering food (you can literally order ANYTHING and have it delivered right to you ANYWHERE, because Korea is the delivery capital of the world!) and she said YES OF COURSE and I am so excited to have a real life friend that I can visit if I ever make it back there.

Then her husband came to pick her up and he had a huge box of Korean snacks for me!!!! Omg what a beautiful day. I am going to miss Jiyong sooooo much, though. Who else will insist that I repeat the dreaded “려” sound over and over until I sound at least fairly coherent?! (That was not one of my favorite days with her, lol!)

Ugh goodbyes are literally the worst. I even let her hug me twice that’s how you know the sadness was real.

OK listen, Linda. I know what you’re thinking: wow, Erin was such an avid avoider of all of the things during the pandemic and now suddenly it’s cool to go to an amusement park? Listen. Listen, listen, listen. We made reservations in advance, knowing that Covid-restrictions were still in place and that Henry and I would both be past the 2-week point of our second Pfizer dose by then. And then it worked out that Chooch was able to get his first dose before we went so he was at least partially vaccinated. I was starting to feel OK about this.

But then.

The dumb CDC announced the new lax mask rules, and almost immediately after that (i.e. two days before our trip), Hershey was like GREAT NEWS, NO MASKS REQUIRED FOR OUR VACCINATED GUESTS.

Oh boy, the honor system!

In America!!!!

And I get it, HIPPA or whatever other legal bullshit prohibits places like this from requiring guests to show their vaccination cards as proof but DAMN I wish they would have! Give us a special wristband or something, you know? But instead, all three of us wore our masks for the entire day because I do not trust my fellow Americans and because Chooch still would have had to wear his anyway so we wore ours along with him out of solidarity. We are nice parents sometimes.

Another thing to note is that we, for some incredibly strange reason, have never actually been to Hershey Park (well, Henry was there when he was 10 and they probably only had, like, those peddle scooters and a Ferris wheel back then) and I have a vague recollection of also being there very briefly when I was very young because we 100% went on the Chocolate Factory ride which is separate from the amusement park, and I think we may have just walked through the park while I cried because I wanted to ride stuff and for some reason THAT WAS NOT HAPPENING THAT DAY.

So I’m not sure if the crowds we experienced that day were normal, but for a park that was allegedly running on like 75% capacity because of Covid, the hoards of people were poppin’ off. The picture above was taken after we left, but the entrance was just a gigantic, fluid, undulating mass of bodies when we got there 30 minutes before the gates opened AND SURPRISE, barely anyone was wearing masks. Luckily, we got behind the coolest, least annoying family: two dads and their two young kids, all of whom were decked out in head-to-toe Adidas and the kids were wearing Keith Haring masks. YOU KNOW I HAD TO GIVE COMPLIMENTS WHERE COMPLIMENTS WERE DUE! This caused us to have a nice, low-key civil rapport which is all you can ask for when you’re crammed into a mess of “lines” with thousands of strangers.

We saw them again later and when I pointed them out, Chooch made the universal I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ALSO STOP TALKING TO ME IN PUBLIC disgusted face/shoulder raise often performed by American teenagers.

Before we got to the park that day, I declared out loud that I wasn’t going to let myself be bothered by the general population that (Henry laughed out a sarcastic “Ok.”) and following that same POSICORE mindset, I’m also going to focus more on the good shit about the park rather than the bad, because I am 99.9% positive that Hershey Park is not always like how it was last Saturday, which was: super fucking crowded with two of their most popular rides closed. I never hear anyone complain about Hershey so I have to believe that all of this was a combination of vaccinated people tryna live their lives, Hershey dropping their mask policy, the pandemic causing the park to be understaffed, and season pass holders showing up in droves to collect their swag and free cookies.

Most importantly, we got to do what we love so much: RIDE FUCKING COASTERS.

Before I get into that, let’s look at pictures of us frumpin’ around the park, being THOSE LIBS IN MASKS.

(Also, I’d like to point out that Chooch was chatting away on some dumb Dischord server thing pretty much all day and we barely talked at all in any of the lines and that’s pretty depressing.)

Me: Go stand by the statue of that dude…whoever the fuck that is.

Chooch: Uh….it’s literally the Hershey guy? But ok.

Henry only rode two coasters all day. This was one of them,

Henry always managed to capture me at my BEST ANGLES. Ugh.

This whole area was a FUCKING TRAFFIC JAM all day.

And we got to take a carouselfie!!!! I panicked when I first looked at this picture because I thought my underarms were flabby AND creped but then I realized that it’s actually part of Henry’s horse, lololol ugh. How I yearn for the day when I’m not completely preoccupied with my weight.

What you can’t hear is Chooch hissing, “WHAT???? WHICH PARENTAL PLEBE DOST DEIGN TO SPEAK TO ME?”

THIS WAS MY RIDE.

My favorite area was the Frontier Land part or whatever it was called.

In my next post, I will recap the rides we rode (all coasters, no time for anything else!), but I will end this with some non-ride observations:

• The soft pretzels were REALLY GOOD (especially the jalapeno ones!). We’re not “full meal eaters” typically when we go to amusement parks unless it’s a smaller park which allows us to live our lives more leisurely. Hershey Park is notorious for their gluttonous milkshakes and while I would have LOVED to fuck with one of those, I also…wanted to ride aggressive coasters.
• We were REALLY harried since it was our first time and didn’t really get to explore much but my initial impression was that the park was not very picturesque. I actually hated the entire area by the entrance because everything around Candymonium is dirt and it gives off construction site-vibes. Hopefully if we go back (I’m sure we will – we’re missing two coaster creds!!), we will have more time to really take everything in and also explore the ZOO, yes, there is a ZOO there!!
• The chocolate chip cookies tasted like childhood and I was in pure bliss as I scarfed them down. Henry and Chooch were like, “Eh, these taste basic” but then they ate more than their fair share so hope they enjoyed their basic shits that night.
• I saw the same lady with face tattoos (and not “face ladies” as I originally typed…) in the same spot twice, which was weird, like did she move at all that day? But it also reminded me of this and I laughed to myself, except it was out loud when Henry and Chooch were walking ahead of me so I was literally laughing alone and some people side-eyed me.
• ANOTHER PARK THAT MAKES YOU PAY FOR PARKING. How is this acceptable?! How are they not already making enough money off of us?!!?
• I didn’t actively hate anyone that day (I mean, aside from Henry and His Nose-Whistle).
• They seemed to have some good flat ride options that I would like to sit on next time.

Drew and Penelope were bitching about how I don’t post about them enough so here is a CAT PHOTO DUMP god they’re so pushy.

I have an entire weekend of amusement parks to recap but catch me posting pictures of cat instead. IT’S MY BLOG AND I’LL CAT-POST WHEN I WANT TO.

They both still prefer to drink their water out of people cups.

I’ve created monsters.

Someone’s happy to have her chair back! (It used to be in the living room but we moved it to the back porch after getting a church pew, and then Henry took the whole thing apart because he wanted to restuff it and whenever he says he’s going to do something, it usually takes a few months.)

I should be relaxing back here with Penelope and one of my many Asian Read-a-thon books but THERE ARE CHILDREN PLAYING/SCREAMING/YELLING/CRYING on the other side of that wall SO NO THANKYOU.

I yawned when I looked at this picture.

Probably I should go to bed soon. Chooch does REAL, IN PERSON SCHOOL on Thursdays and Fridays and my dumb ass thought it would be a nice motherly thing to drive him so he won’t have to take public transportation (do not even get me started on how LUDICROUS his school’s bus situation is; they’re lucky they’re such a good fucking school or I would have been like JUST CHOOSE A DIFFERENT SCHOOL FOR HIGH SCHOOL THIS IS DUMB). Anyway, it’s such a drag, not because there’s traffic (there isn’t) or because it takes a long time to get there (it doesn’t), but because he is SUCH A JERKY, SULLEN TEEN IN THE MORNINGS and I feed off his negativity and then come home and want to set things on fire. Last week, I came home and danced* to the new NCT Dream song “Hot Sauce” for approx. 17 minutes until I realized I was smiling and not looking to commit arson anymore.

*(By dancing I mean jumping up and down and shadow boxing while screaming YEAH THAT’S OUR JAM to the cats, PICTURED ABOVE.

)

Ever the hardest working artist in Korea, Taemin wasn’t about to sit around in the weeks leading up to his military enlistment and has instead gifted us with a mini-album and new MV.

NO ONE does it better than Taemin. The fact that he never looks the same in any comeback, continues to glide along that gender fluidity tip, could dance better than your fave even with his limbs bound, AND pours those dreamy vocals into our ears at the same time?

! LEGEND.

Also, that opening piano solo was in my head all day it was bothering me because it sounded very reminiscent of something that I love and it finally occurred to me on the 87th listen that it has Chiodos vibes to it GOD ONLY TAEMIN COULD WED MY LOVE OF POST-HARDCORE WITH KPOP.

Actually, now that I’m thinking about this, there is another older song of his where he sounds like the singer from another post-hardcore band I love, Artifex Pereo.

I think my past life in the Warped Tour scene was all part of the plan to lead me to Taemin.

Herein lies the second half of the books I read in April. May they rest in peace.

8. The Ex Talk – Rachel Lynn Solomon

The premise of this one sounded so PROMISING: two rivals at a radio station are forced by their shady-ass producer into pretending to be exes in order to host a new show called The Ex Talk, in hopes of saving ratings. The rival arc didn’t feel very fleshed out to me but I really did like both of the characters and when they inevitably fall in love (not a spoiler), I had already been shipping them.

I read contemporary romances occasionally as a palate cleanser and they usually do the trick because I go into them with the lowest expectations possible, lol.

9. The Leavers – Lisa Ko

HEAVY. This wasn’t an easy read but it was rewarding. We follow the story of an undocumented immigrant Chinese woman who may have abandoned her young son in NYC (I think he was 10 or 11 at the time?) and we watch as he’s eventually adopted by a fairly well-off white couple and is forced to assimilate in a new town and school while wondering wtf happened to his mom, and we get to find out in the mom’s own chapters.

I just thought this was a wonderfully written deep exploration into family and race and I cared so much for Polly, the mother, especially.

10. Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars

Oh man, what a quirky, sometimes uncomfortable, coming-of-age fantasy romp of a trans Asian girl who runs away from an abusive household. There were parts that made me laugh out loud, but also moments of transphobic violence that quickly stomped you back down to reality and reminded you that while this book may be wildly and fantastically written, the underlying conflicts are very, very much rooted in reality.

My favorite parts were the letters she wrote to her little sister.

11. The Other Americans – Laila Lalami 

The way this book is set up reminded me a bit of Miracle Creek. It revolves around a Moroccan immigrant who is killed in a hit-and-run, which is initially written off as an accident but his daughter is all HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE and start pressuring the police to investigate. She gets her own chapters, the deceased father gets his own chapters where we get to learn more about who he was when he lived in Morocco.

The mom gets her own chapters, as does the lone witness – an undocumented Mexican whose wife is all YOU NEED TO TALK TO THE POLICE and he is all I DO WANT TO GET DEPORTED.

I really loved how this was written. It was a slow burn of a multi-character study, culminating in the finding out exactly what happened that night and why.

If you’re a decent human being, it will have you seething about racists more than once.

12. The Wife Stalker – Liv Constantine

Just a domestic thriller. It was OK. I don’t feel like recapping it because I have literally no thoughts or feelings, but I guess I could say, “This would be a nice book to read on the beach.”

13. Everything, Everything – Nicola Yoon

This is a quirkily-written YA book about a teenage girl with some rare disease that keeps her confined inside the house with only her mom and nurse allowed near her.

I figured out what was going on pretty early and it got VERY FAR-FETCHED toward the end, but it was entertaining and endearing (of course there is A BOY) and I fucking cried in real life while reading it in the car on the way to the Columbus Zoo last month.

The nurse was the best character and I was obsessed with her.

14. Milk fed- Melissa Broder

UM…Melissa Broder is my new obsession. Her writing is so my style. This book was SO WEIRD, and sad, and funny, and creepily erotic that I was screaming out loud during some parts of it. It was also relatable in a way because the main character’s (Rachel) life is driven by a crippling obsession with counting calories brought on by being fat-shamed as a child by her mother.

Now, Rachel’s in her early 20s and the book starts off with her therapist recommending a 90-day detox from her mother.

Around the same time, the boy at the froyo store – who never questions the Rachel’s insistence on never filling the cup past the top and her staunch refusal to add toppings – is replaced one day by his sister, who pressures Rachel into splurging, which sets Rachel into a bingeing spiral of doom. I FELT THAT.

Anyway, this book is much more than that and I want to recommend it to everyone but I have a feeling it won’t be for everyone but if you do pick it up, prepare for some uncomfortable fantasies and super fucking real moments. I mean, her other book is about a woman who fucks a fish, so…

15. Before the Devil Breaks You – Libba Bray

What a way to end another reading month of April. I cannot recommend the Diviners series enough (Henry just finished the first book and is hooked!). It’s set in the 20s, the characters are so fleshed out and each one adds their own flavor to the story, the writing is perfect (not too hokey for a YA fantasy series and not too try-hard either), and the banter IS SO FUCKING QUICK AND WITTY. I highly highly highly recommend the audio book for this series because it’s narrated by January Lavoy and she is MASTERFUL at voicing these characters. She breathes so much life into each one of them!

Anyway, this book has Umbrella Academy vibes, government conspiracies, a bit of history woven in for the Realness, some spooky goodness, believable love lines, and a bunch of teenagers with super diverse backgrounds coming together all found family-like.

SAM IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER. EVIE IS HENRY’S FAVORITE CHARACTER.

I AM TRYING TO GET JANNA TO READ THESE BOOKS.

Greetings from the car ride home from Elysburg, PA! This weekend was one of many Firsts Since Pre-Pandemic Days, such as: FIRST AMUSEMENT PARK(S)!! But we’ll get that in a later blog post.

The other firsts: EATING INSIDE A RESTAURANT. I realize that both of these things were technically possible before but none of us felt comfortable pushing our luck with no vaccine and soaring numbers.

Things are finally starting to seem like they’re getting better (hopefully??) so we’re making our entrance back into society I guess.

This whole weekend was set in motion several mths ago when one of my oldest Internet friends (as in – we met in the late 90s on Darkchat!) Eresbet sent me an IG message and asked me if I wanted some of these awesome antique carnival toys that her mom collected. Of course I said yes because that’s my aesthetic but mostly because it was an opportunity to finally meet her! It’s crazy because I remember we had even talked on the phone occasionally back in the day, as in: the days when I wasn’t scared of talking on the phone!

We met her at the Soda Jerk diner after leaving Hershey Park yesterday and I was so nervous because hello, I haven’t had to be social in a long time and even before that, my social muscle does not flex very often.

But I feel like it went swimmingly!! She brought her daughter Lana with her and we got to sit in a big round booth which I love and the waitress was so nice (I missed waitresses!!!) and I got to chug diner coffee and eat my veggie panini as soon as it was brought to me instead of driving around and looking for a place to sit outside and eat, and I got a stomachache from a delicious chocolate milkshake and the conversation was easy and comfortable! I am typically the living embodiment of the sweating emoji in these circumstances but this time I felt like the sunglasses face.

Why do the people I get along so well with aways have to not live in Pittsburgh??

Chooch accused me of saying “yeah I’ll meet you but you have to bring me toys.” Also, he claimed the carousel.

Then we drove for a bit to accomplish another First since the pandemic happened: CHECKING INTO A HOTEL!

Henry came out to the car after checking in and gave us the room key and presumably directions to the elevator and we were like Yeah Yeah Ok Mmm and walked away from him. Inside the lobby, we assumed that we had to walk down the hallway because we didn’t see the elevator anywhere.

“Oh this door must be for the stairwell,” I said when we reached the end and still had yet to uncover this mystical elevator. But when I pushed it open, it just went out into the back parking lot.

As we Tweedled our way back toward the lobby, we saw the elevator just as Henry oafed his way through the doors with all the bags.

“What are you two idiots doing?” he asked suspiciously.

“We couldn’t find the elevator,” I said.

“I told you where it was!” Henry cried, and now we had the attention of the ladies at the desk.

“Oh, I stopped listening before that,” I shrugged.

“We didn’t know where they were going or we would have helped!” the one lady said.

“I told them to come inside and turn left,” Henry sighed.

“No left turn was made,” the one solemnly lady said and I am still internally cracking up over this. NO LEFT TURN WAS MADE.

Meanwhile, Days Inn is in the process of remodeling this property and im not sure if anything is going to be added but our room had a gigantic area of open space, it was really crazy. For our first hotel since December 2019, I have no complaints! It was clean & comfortable and the way that lady at the front desk so seamlessly inserted herself into one of our signature family squabbles made it way more memorable.

Another emotionally exhausting week, coming to a close. Let us celebrate with a photo-dump from my phone and WELL I DON’T KNOW, five things!?

1. In the Words of My Dad…

I think about this a lot, but it’s funny how similar I am to my dad considering he’s not my biological father. I guess living under the same roof as him for…14 years I think (???) really influenced me. Nature vs. Nurture. Etc etc. He gets super obsessive about things, little things like certain ice cream flavors that will have him pulling a U-y to tail a Reinhold’s delivery truck culminating in an UNDER THE COUNTER ice cream deal in the parking lot of a school.

But now that I am an Older Person, I find that I am also talking like him, in that I sound like a dorky 1950s white man drinking a dorky egg cream in a dorky soda shop not realizing the enormity of his dorkitude.

Except in this case, it was not a soda shop but a cafe in Brookline that I swung by on the way back from my morning walk on Monday. I’m very contrary in the fact that while I usually savor silence in a public place, sometimes I also feel frantic about filling it. And on this particular day, the silence was overwhelming as I stood there waiting for the barista to finish making Chooch’s latte (sometimes I’m a sweetheart of a mother and will bring something back for Chooch depending on how I feel at that given moment, like: did he piss me off at all yet that day, did he use a tone I didn’t appreciate, did he make me FEEL LIKE AN UNCOOL MOM….you know the drill). I needed to say something, and FAST.

Behind the counter is this giant glass contraption that looks like someone was assigned the task of making a four foot tall Days of Our Lives hourglass but then ate some shrooms and wound up with a swirly mess of beakers and tubes instead. I always look at it when I’m at this joint, but on this day I felt INSPIRED TO INQUIRE.

“Do you guys actually use that thing or is it just decoration?” I asked, jutting my chin toward it because I had no idea what it was called.

The barista glanced at me to see what I was referring to and said, “Oh, we use that. It’s how we make our cold brew.”

And then, in the most DORKIEST, THIGH-SLAPPING, CHOKING ON ENTHUSIASM VOICE OF ALL, I exclaimed, “MAN, I’d like to see that in action!”

Man. I’d. Like. To. See. That. In. Action.

Such a Dennis Kelly thing to say. So over the top.

Then she said, “Oh it’s not very interesting. It moves very slowly.”

I just stood there awkwardly, wind sucked out of my sails, and she asked, “You asked for almond milk right?” And life went on.

I still don’t know what that thing is called.

2. Chooch the Half-Vaccinated!

When the vaccine was approved for ages 12-15 this week, I kept refreshing all the various pages waiting for appointments to be available. I was able to snag one for Chooch for yesterday!

He was annoyed that I wanted to take a picture BUT IT IS A BIG MOMENT, OK. Note that he got the worst band-aid out of all of us. I got that weird UFO thing and we all know that HENRY got the best ones out of everyone.

Chooch sincerely didn’t care though. He basically showed no emotion at all because he’s 15 and has none, although he did express mild interest in watching the vaccine being pushed into his arm. I sadly wasn’t there to witness this though because I was working motherfucking LATE SHIFT which hopefully will be over for me at the end of summer but who knows.

Anyway, I posted this picture of Chooch on Instagram and ONE OF MY FAVORITE BANDS LIKED IT because OH YEAH THEY FOLLOW ME.

Yes, I screenshot this bitch 5 seconds after it happened. I live a very full life.

Anyway, we are going to the first amusement park since 2019 tomorrow so I feel better knowing that Chooch is at least 1/2 way to ClubVaxx.

3. The Subject of Selcas

To the horror of many, I am trying to post more selfies and also attempting to stop being so rigid and averse to having someone else take my picture, which is why I have been asking Chooch  to take some of me occasionally if I’m wearing a cute shirt or whatever. I’m doing this because there are YEARS UPON YEARS where I shied away from the camera in general and only shared very curated selfies because I am/was so self-conscious and vain, but now there is like….no evidence of my existence.

First of all – I’m not perfect. I’m not a model. But…that’s not a secret?! So, I’m trying to have fun and live my life and share more so that one day Chooch can show his family pictures of GRANDMA having fun at an amusement park or whatever instead of being like, “Here are 8734984739823 pictures of me and yr granddad (GrandHimMan??) at Kennywood but none of PRINCESS GRANDMA because she wouldn’t let us take any of her because she FELT FAT that day or HER GRAY HAIRS WERE STANDING OUT TOO MUCH.”

Like, get over it, Erin.

P.S. Selca is Korean for selfie OMG I TEACH YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

4. WHEN WENDY MET BUDDY

Wendy stopped by my house yesterday to drop off Chooch’s birthday present and of course she had stuff for me too, LIKE  THIS ACCURATE COFFEE CUP!!

It was exciting because aside from Blake & Haley (who had no reaction to the changes to the house) and the Landlord and his appraiser (SEE #5), no one has really been here to see the changes we made! I was very happy to show Wendy all of the stuff we did around here in the past year, especially the kitchen! BUT the best part was right as Wendy leaving – she opened the door and said, “Oh! The squirrel is here!” And sure enough, Girl Buddy was camped out in front of the Bistro, noshing casually on her peanuts. She adjusted her position slightly so that she could look up at us.

“She’s not even running away!” Wendy said, “this is so cool!”

“Yeah, she’s very accommodating,” I explained. “She lets us use the porch as long as we don’t get in her way.” And then I got to show Wendy how I hand-feed her walnuts! In my head, I was like, “COME ON BUDDY, TAKE IT – DON’T MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE” and thankfully, she took the walnut from my hand because if she hadn’t, Wendy certainly would have reported back to the rest of the group at work that I’m a liar.

What I think is the funniest though is that both of my cats were at the window, watching Wendy get out of her car and as soon as they saw that she was walking up our sidewalk, they bolted at breakneck speed. Yet Buddy was just like “‘Sup” when she saw Wendy. Lol.

Brief intermission to drool over the latest batch of Sugar Spell pints: Funfetti Chip, Mother’s Day Mudslide (POSSIBLY MY NEW FAVORITE?), White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake. OMG.

5. THE HOUSE TOUR

On Mother’s Day, HNC called Henry to see if he got an email from the landlord re: BRINGING AN APPRAISER OVER. Henry was like OMG OOPS MISSED THAT EMAIL and yes, it’s true, an appraiser was scheduled to come over the very next day and I started panicking, not because the house was a wreck because it’s almost always presentable now that we essentially started from scratch during the pandemic and uncluttered the fuck out of it, but because DOES THIS MEAN HE IS GOING TO TRY AND SELL AGAIN??

This happened a few years ago and it was so scary because we were 100% in no position to buy a house and you guys, our rent for half of a house is ridiculously cheap. Like, I had no idea how cheap it was until people around me started looking for apartments to rent in the city and told me what the average rent is and I was like OMFG I COULD NEVER AFFORD THAT, WE HAVE TO LIVE HERE FOREVER.

Now we ARE in a good position to buy a house but I don’t FEEL LIKE IT right now??? I’ve talked about this before and it’s super boring so let’s skip this part of the story.

I wanted Henry to ask the landlord what the meaning of this was but he was all calm about it and said HE IS PROBABLY JUST TRYING TO TAKE OUT A LOAN OR SOMETHING CALM DOWN but hahaha do you know me? The next morning, I had my monthly check in with Wendy at work and instead of saying hello, I blurted out I AM SO STRESSED OUT. Anyway, Henry had to come home during his delivery route and park his big ass Faygo truck across the street in the church parking lot because I threatened to not open the door for this lady, so per usual, Henry had to come home and be the adult for both of us.

The LANDLORD was in tow and I was like OH THIS IS FUCKING GREAT because he hasn’t been in this house in actual years so he didn’t  know that it looks like a literal clown car of interior decorators came in here and turned the joint into a Crayola box.

I took refuge in the bedroom, pretending to be ON A WORK CALL, while Henry waited at the front door. I knew JUDGEMENT DAY had come when I heard a woman scream, actually scream, “OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS!!!!”

Chooch, who was in his room “in class,” poked his head out of his door and made a face like, “and you were so worried.” Henry said the landlord didn’t really say anything, but also didn’t seem angry that we painted so much (we’re technically not supposed to paint) and if anything, he was probably happy that we made his dumb property look so good and impressed the appraiser.

She did have to come into our bedroom while I was on MY WORK CALL and I am such a bad actor, I just stood there in the middle of the room with a dead phone up to my face, while she waved and mouthed, “YOU’RE FINE I JUST HAVE TO PEEK, I’M NOT TAKING PICTURES!” She seemed really nice and now I’m kind of sad that my weird reclusiveness prevented me from actually talking to her and enjoying all the compliments she was apparently SHOWERING HENRY WITH.

When I heard her ask him, “Are you the artist of the house?” I almost dropped my WORK CALL act and slid down the steps headfirst to insert my ACTUALLY….into that moment.

Then I heard Henry ask the landlord, ever so casually, if he’s trying to sell the places again and Landlord said, “No no no! I’m just looking to get some seed money to acquire more property.” THANK FUCKING GOD. I did not want to be looking to buy a house with a landlord-lit fire under my ass.

And I will leave you with pictures of THAT BABE WONHO because he has really been flourishing since we brought him home in January!

Look at those new leaves!!

I remembered I bought these pjs the last time I was in KOREA DID U KNOW I WAS IN KOREA I WAS IN KOREA.

KOREA KOREA KOREA.

Look don’t think I don’t already know I’m fucking obnoxious.

But anyway. The pjs. I bought them in HONGDAE and then promptly forgot about them but then I saw a picture in my KOREA PHOTO ALBUM on Flickr which I definitely only look at once a day and thought wow those pjs would look nice in my kitchen.

Unfortunately, no one else was home today to wear them in my stead. Sorry.

I was planning on recapping the remaining books I read in April but then Wonho went and dropped the official MV for my favorite song on his new album and I was like STOP THE PRESSES and now I’m writing here today to not tell you to read books but to WATCH THIS VIDEO AND SUPPORT OUR (ex)MONSTA X BIAS Wonho because he has worked so hard and been through so much these last few years and this SONG IS FIRE. I usually am averse to Kpop collabs with Western artists but who this Kiiara broad is (my friend Veronica and I both had to google her lol), she really complements Wonho on this track and I approve. Thank god he didn’t go the Halsey-route, ugh.

Speaking of Henry, he was making greeting cards last night while mumbling Dad comments about Top 40: Machine Gun Kelly has a song that doesn’t sound *too* bad until Halsey comes on & she ruins it & then he has another song that sounds exactly like that one but it’s with someone else.” I want Henry to start a music zine.

This all started because I was on Instagram and saw that Avril Lavigne commented on Britney Spears recent post (of course I follow Brit!!!!) and I was like “But is that really Avril, I thought she was dead*” so then I fell down the rabbit hole of Avril’s Instagram and saw that she has a song with Mod Sun which made me die because he was such a Warped Tour hanger-on back in the day and I think he was part of Jonny Craig’s “entourage” even until they had a falling out. Now it appears he might be dating Avril? I couldn’t tell and got bored with it pretty quickly but not before also seeing that she also recorded a song with MGK which is what prompted Henry’s MUSIC CRITIC outburst.

Also, Avril looks the same so are we sure she wasn’t in a cryo-vat all these years? “Ew she still has that nose,” I scoffed and Henry just looked at me like, “why wouldn’t she.”

Anyway, Henry likes this Wonho song and I think that he is OK with Kiiara.

P.S. OK curiosity got the best of me and I googled: YES MOD SUN AND AVRIL ARE DATING LOL WHAT. Also, here’s a picture of him back when he was Jonny Craig bootlicker:

Oh hello, here I am to talk about my Mother’s Day, 2021. It started out BLAH – we were tentatively going to take a mini-road trip to some state park in WV to get away from the 100% rain forecast here in Pittsburgh, but I woke up FEELING LIKE A HORNET. I think I just have this bad habit of expecting the worst on any holiday because I just assume that Henry and Chooch will fail me (to be fair, they usually do lol).

I came downstairs like a little bitch, haughtily declined Henry’s offer to make me breakfast, and instead showered all of MY GOOD ATTITUDE upon the cats and squirrels, a/k/a MY REAL FAMILY.

When I opened the door to refill Buddy’s Bistro (that’s what I call the crate that doubles as a squirrel shelter so they can nosh on their peanuts and sunflower feeds with a roof over their little furry heads when it’s raining), I noticed a plain white envelope on the doorstep:

LOL Henry is such a dork. And I know it was Henry who made it because of the half-assed punctuation. I was still in A MOOD so I didn’t give him a reaction right away. LOL forever a b-r-a-t.

When I was younger, I could steady be in a bad mood for like, days. Nay, weeks. But the older I get, the more tiresome it is! I only have so much energy and I need that for exercising and going on copious walks, not scowling and hissing at everyone who dares to look at me.

Sigh. My edge is really getting dull as I age.

Then Henry said he was going to Lowe’s and I was like THAT IS DUMB until I realized he was going to FINALLY check out different options for what he needs to finally finish my subway sign – he was originally holding out for plexiglass but the price HAS NOT gone down at all thanks to the pandemic making it a hot commodity. I opted to go with him because it was raining so hard and I was too depressed to stay home and also I wanted to get a new houseplant because it’s Mother’s Day and that seems like something a Mother would treat herself with, right? I got this big’gun pot of California Elephant Ears and named him SETH.

Because of The O.C.?

California?

No?

I was annoyed the whole time we were at Lowe’s and the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better at that precise moment was boba so we went to Squirrel Hill because I wanted Kung Fu Tea but they were CLOSED for MOTHER’S DAY but it was OK because Pink Box is across the street and even if that was closed too, there are like 4 other places on that street alone that could have curbed my boba cravings and we also ordered vegan sandwiches at Allegro and went for a short stroll in the rain while waiting for it so that was nice I guess.

Came home and Chooch was like “OMG LOOK! IT’S A MOTHER! ON HER DAY!” and then thrust a homemade card at me which made me laugh because he signed it Sincerely.

I like being his MUM even though he eats in his room which breaks HOUSE RULES but whatever I guess let’s all just whatever we want, ugh.

Meanwhile, I told Chooch (and Henry because Chooch never does shit on his own) that all I wanted for Mother’s Day was the ability to be able to work out to my beloved Jacki Sorensen aerobics tape that I have been unable to use in what feels like 20 years almost because it’s a VHS and Henry was like I CAN DO THIS and was trying to find a VCR to borrow so that he could convert the tape to a computer file and put it on a USB so that I could use the Roku to play it so he asked Hot Naybor Chris who probably thought Henry found his old VINTAGE PORN stash and needed a VCR to have a viewing party and he said he would see if he could find one at his camp whatever that means but then Henry was in the attic looking for something completely unrelated and found my old VCR that we didn’t know still existed!!

So I was able to work out with Jacki last night while wearing my beloved Jacki shirt that my mom got when she attended the actual Jacki Sorensen Danceathon in 1984 at the old Civic Arena!!

I have been a BIG FAN of Jacki Sorensen ever since the 90s when I found my mom’s old VHS of one of her aerobics workouts and even tried to make some of my friends workout with me in my basement when they were sleeping over and I was DRUNK (maybe it was THIS NIGHT???).

The tape came with me (as did the shirt) when I moved out in 1998 and over the years, I used it as sparingly as possible because I was so afraid it would just snap one day. Now that everything in the world seems to be on YouTube, I would check every now and then to see if anyone ever uploaded it but NOPE, NEVER NOT EVEN A LITTLE CLIP.

Then I was doing a walking workout on this one guy’s channel that I really like and one of the songs he used was this one:

I SCREAMED. This song is used in one of my favorite segments from that damn Jacki Sorensen tape and it was at this point where I found the VHS, slapped it on Chooch’s desk, and said, “ALL I WANT FOR MOTHER’S DAY IS FOR YOU TO FIND A WAY FOR YOUR MOMMY TO ENJOY THIS AGAIN.”

“What even is this?” he murmured and then promptly forgot about it because he has teenage dementia.

So I had to coax it out of the recesses of his memory and finally, to Henry he said, “Oh yeah. She wants some weird tape converted to a DVD or something” and no, THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID, but OK close enough.

And Henry made my wish come true yesterday and I was SO HAPPY and also I still cannot do the “Tom Jones” move which is in like every segment almost. But who doesn’t love a workout that warms up with Barbara Streisand and cools down with Barry Manilow?!

This is what the VHS sleeve looks like but god only knows what happened to mine over the years, it probably disintegrated at some point in the attic:

And that was my Mother’s Day.

P.S. It just now occurred to me that Kung Fu tea had some sort of Mother’s Day promotion happening via their app that I was prepared to take advantage of but then they were closed because it was Mother’s Day. What kind of shady fucking mother-crushing shit is that.

Last fall, I bought this charming circus-core shirt from Unlogical Poem, thinking that I could wear it on my first day back to the office if that happened over the cooler months. Um, obviously that did not occur. So, aside from one work video call during which absolutely no one commented upon the adorableness of said WHIMSICAL BLOUSE, I have never had a chance to wear it. And this bitch cost some coinage! So since my hair looked halfway ok today and the temps were unusually chilly for May, I used the upcoming FORGOTTEN HOLIDAY in this house, otherwise known as MOTHERS DAY, to coerce my LOVING son to be my photographer. It took a whopping 60 minutes out of his day and he was such a bitch about it.

I grabbed some “props” on the way out of the house because yes these things are always in reach. Chooch was excited because the elastic of the party broke as soon as I put it on so he thought this meant we could leave but I was I WILL FIX THIS and as I struggled to tie knots in the elastic, I sang my dad’s favorite tune, “They Don’t Make Things Like They Used To,” accidentally leveling up in the BECOMING AN ELDER game of life.

Fuck.

I told Chooch to “try and get some interesting angles” because he was so busy texting that every time I was like HELLO I AM READY, he would barely even look at what he was doing when he lifted up my phone in his other hand to snap the picture. It was pretty annoying and I think 15 year old Chooch is my least favorite edition so far.

Fun fact: these pictures were taken in the Union Dale Cemetery, which is where we used to have all of our traditional Xmas Day picnics before relocating to the Homewood Cemetery which is closer to Pink Box, where we like to snatch up from DELECTABLE ASIAN BUNS.

Another fun fact: Shortly after this picture was taken (another of Chooch’s super flattering “interesting angles,” Chooch pointed out that I had a huge dandelion stain on my chin, like A BIG PEE STREAK that would not come off no matter how hard I rubbed it with my sleeve so of course he was like OH WELL LET’S GO SO SAD. To be fair though at least he pointed it out because Henry would have just let me continue standing there having my picture taken. I mean, he’s taken pictures of me before where I had food in my teeth or my mascara is smeared and he has said literally nothing do you know why it’s because he barely looks at me long enough to notice.

SAY I’M WRONG, HENRY.

I took this one myself because Chooch was making me nervous. Also, I bought that ring a long time ago, like over 10 years ago, at the Mattress Factory and then lost it for many years and recently found it in the bathroom closet and I was so happy but I still don’t wear it very often because the ring part is wood and it looks like it could break at any moment.

Those fucking dandelions. My nose was burning and running all afternoon because of them!!

Wow, more jumping.

Me: What should I do? This?

Chooch, not even looking: Yeah. Sure.

SO FORLORN. I probably thinking about all the roller coasters I didn’t get to ride in 2020.

My friends Kevin and Lizzy sent me this old ass book several years ago!

This is my favorite one because I look content and I wonder if that’s what I really look like when I’m reading a book but Henry and Chooch will probably tell you that no, Book Erin is angry and scowling because she hates being interrupted.

I just really love this shirt so much!!!

I think this one is also a very accurate REAL LIFE depiction of me because I am in a constant state of UGH WHY ME I’M SO BORED UGH and can often be found half-collapsed in ennui, like I just fainted onto a couch.

I don’t know why I kept trying to make this hand-monocle pose a thing but it really wasn’t working and Chooch kept glaring at me.

Jillian Michaels trained me to jump so now I try to jump whenever possible to make her proud. For you, J-Girl.

Some car was slowly cruising by at this moment and I felt like a real dumb stoop.

Another selfie was Chooch was too busy texting his friends that he gets to see in person now at school yet doesn’t talk to apparently.

Oh, these tree pictures were real fun and Chooch and I didn’t fight at all.

I took this of him so he could see what I wanted and do you think he got the idea? NOPE. He just started screaming about how this was all a ruse for me to take his picture after he EXPLICITLY stated that he didn’t want his picture taken. BOO HOO.

Literally was in the middle of talking here but I liked how the rest of the picture looked so oh well, when does my face NOT fuck up a picture. Keeping it.

Oh well. As Phil Collins would say: THAT’S ALL.

I read 15 books in April. Some were super shiny gems! Some were just OK pebbles good for tossing into a pond.

1. Oona Out of Order – Margarita Montimore

I really wanted to love this book about Oona, a girl who wakes up in a random year of her life every New Year’s Eve. It starts in the early 80s, at a New Year’s Eve party in her friend’s basement, when she’s….18? I think? About to turn 19? I can’t remember, but because we start the book with her as a sprightly young thing, we get to suffer through her freaking out each time she wakes up as a much older version of herself when she’s internally still a young adult.

I should have known that I wouldn’t like this because “time travel” tropes NEVER WORK FOR ME. Probably because I’m a dumbo who just can’t understand and/or follow along but the whole time I just wanted to know: why. Only her mom and one other character in the book know that this happens to her and they try to protect her from doing stupid shit but I just could never really get a good feel for anyone in the book and thought that Oona was actually quite unlikeable but I don’t think that was the intention. I’m not just saying this because I stan Korea but the best fucking character in the book was the Korean American guitar teacher she has in one of the timelines and that plotline is just completely tossed aside. Good job, Margarita Montimore. Dumbo.

Oh also she’s super rich because of time travel / stock market, etc.

Cool cover, tho bro.

2. On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous – Ocean Vuong

My heart is aching at the very memory of reading this tragic, heartwrenching, poetic, violent, painful, sweet book written as a letter from a Vietnamese American son to his mother, who cannot read. I’ve seen a lot of people complain that it lacks a plot, but it’s literally about…life. It’s a book of personal reflection. This is a tough one to explain because it’s SO EMOTIONAL and left my face slick with tears multiple times. If you want action or a neatly packaged plot-climax-closure, then skip this.

But if you’re looking to feast upon some exquisitely crafted turns of phrase while having your heart fisted because you’re a glutton for punishment, then don’t just pick this book up, but grab the audio to really elevate the experience, as it’s narrated by Vuong himself.

One review on Goodreads summarizes my thoughts perfectly: “The author didn’t write this book; he opened his heart and just let it bleed all over the pages. Reading it cracked mine open and turned me inside out.”

OMG my sinuses are burning just thinking about the emotional journey this one took me on, lol ugh help.

3. The Dutch House – Ann Patchett

Maybe the best book I read in April? I kept putting this one off because I think I assumed it was going to be some dry, historical fiction but then I FINALLY read the synopsis (only after hearing someone rave about how the audiobook is narrated by Tom Hanks) and I thought, “OK. Maybe.”

HOLY SHIT, WHATTA RIDE. I cared so deeply for the brother and sister that this book revolves around. It’s from the POV of the younger brother, Danny, and spans the course of five decades, with THE DUTCH HOUSE firmly at the center. The Dutch House was the name of the grand estate Danny and Maeve’s father purchased for the family in the suburbs of Philly, but the mom hated the house and one day, seemingly out of the blue, leaves the family. The dad eventually remarries a woman who seems to be more into the house than him, and then eventually kicks out Danny and Maeve. They, Maeve especially, spend most of their lives obsessing over the house, and it becomes a habit for them to park their car outside of it and just…watch.

So many things about this book immediately called to mind my grandparent’s house, which Corey and I affectionately called “Gillcrest” or “116” to the point where I have often thought about getting the numbers 116 in a heart tattooed on me somewhere. And the relationship of Danny and Maeve was so real and pure, it made me so happy that Corey and I are talking again because this book probably would have destroyed me otherwise.

(I’m crying right now, lol.)

This was a solid 5 stars for me. Reading it along with Tom Hanks (when I do opt for audiobooks, I usually have the book too so I can read along) enhanced the experience because I could picture everything in my mind, like watching a movie so thank you Tom, for elevating Ann Patchett’s beautiful story to the next level. I love this book so much and I don’t often re-read things but I think this one deserves to be read more than once for sure. MAYBE AS A BUDDY-READ WITH HENRY!?!?!?

4. The Upstairs House – Julia Fine

Oh this was a weird one!! A story-within-a-story and also one of the most creative and interesting takes on the haunted house trope that I’ve experienced (haunted house tropes are my faves but I have read some really shitty ones!). This is a giant metaphor for post-partum depression and I thought it was executed skillfully and thoughtfully. It’s told from the perspective of Megan, who has just given birth to her daughter, and almost immediately she becomes haunted by the ghost of Margaret Wise Brown, a children’s book author. I loved this! Some of the chapters in the book were about Margaret’s relationship with poet/actress/socialite Michael Strange. I didn’t realize it at first because I’m an uncultured dumbass, but both of these women were real, not fictional, and the author’s note at the end even encourages readers to explore more of their works.

If you go into this expecting a legit horror story, you’ll likely be disappointed. But I thought it was poignant, candid, and laugh out loud funny at times. Julia Fine is a wonderful writer and this really worked for me. Maybe because I can remember how fucking nuts I felt after having a baby.

5. The Honey-Don’t List – Christina Lauren

Sometimes I need to break up all the hard, emotional reads with a nice, light, quirky romance, and Christina Lauren books always seems to do the trick. Nothing revolutionary here, just a good, entertaining novel about the unraveling of a famous DIY couple’s marriage and their assistants (Carey is the wife’s assistant and James is the husband’s) trying desperately to keep everything from publicly imploding. Of course, Carey and James are like oil and water, AND OMG NOW THEY HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER, GROSS.

It was cute and light and perfect for what I needed at the time.

6. The House In the Cerulean Sea – T.J.  Klune

Why did I put off reading this book for so long?!?! Oh, I know why – because I mistakenly thought it was middle grade. IT IS NOT. This is the purest, most magical, precious adult book about FITTING IN and FOUND FAMILY that has ever been written, I am not kidding. It was charming, sweet, funny, sad, JUST PERFECT.

It’s about an orphanage of misunderstood magical children and the caseworker who is assigned to spend a month there and basically write the report that will determine the future of the orphanage and the children.

My friend Sadishika called it “Umbrella Academy but make it wholesome” and I can see that! I mean, I gave it five million stars, so…

(Also, Henry read it  before me and kept saying, “WHERE ARE YOU IN THE BOOK? WHERE ARE YOU NOW? HOW ABOUT NOW? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE CHARACTER WAS? WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE?” Henry really liked it, lol.)

7. Foolish Hearts – Emma Mills

This is totally YA but I enjoyed it so much! Apparently it’s a retelling of Midsummer Night’s Dream but I am not well-versed in Shakespeare so probably even the most blatant nods were lost on me. However, I really liked the protagonist, Claudia, and really rooted for her. It just gave me all-around good, swirly feelings and actually kind of made me miss high school a little bit too.

Someone on Goodreads recommended it for “ppl who would kill Voldemort in a fuck, marry, kill game” so do with that what you will.

*(Is this even right, I don’t FRENCH. I KOREAN. Barely.) This week has really been an emotional whirlwind and I am glad to have reached the end. Here is an assortment of FIVE THINGS that happened or are just ON MY MIND (what little I have left of it!).

1. Unmasked Entitlement

Chooch and I went to Target on Saturday and, more than an entire year into the global pandemic/Great Face Mask Debate, I saw my first display of anti-mask’ing entitlement in real time.

SCENE: Front of Target, at the bargain bins (SOMETIMES THEY HAVE CUTE CONTAINERS THAT I CAN USE AS PLANT POTS). 

Some Broad, sans mask, breezes out of the bathroom. She could be anywhere from her late 20s to late 30s – it’s hard to tell with all the FAKE TANNING and BRONZER seared to her puckered face. She is wearing MARBLED LEGGINGS and a t-shirt, PROBABLY EITHER COMING OR GOING TO A SPIN CLASS. Her hair is a choppy bob, BLEACHED AND CRISPY. She has the gravely voice of someone who has been smoking since puberty and screams at her husband a lot. Not white trash, but more…fake rich trash.

Target Lady, middle aged and looks pretty NO-NONSENSE, like she has put in her time of raising numerous children over the years and is not trying to TAKE SHIT from anyone, especially ENTITLED TARGET SHOPPERS WHO PROBABLY ROOTED FOR THE INSURRECTIONISTS. “Excuse me, you need to put a mask on,” she says to Some Broad.

“I’m just going to be in here for a minute,” Some Broad fires back as she strides past Target Lady and me, heading straight for the Starbucks kiosk. The way she said it was coated in sardonic friendliness and I was like OH SHIT because I know that passive aggressive masked-belligerence tone, usually paired with a stiff smile and GLARING, SQUINTY EYES.

Don’t mind me, just standing here smelling the $3 candle jars….

“Well, you still need one,” Target Lady called after her, standing akimbo behind her sanitation station.

“Then bring me one,” Some Broad shouted snottily over her shoulder as she entered the Starbucks kiosk.

I’m standing there, barely putting any effort into my candle-sniffing ruse at this point and openly spectating, wondering how this will play out.

At first, Target Lady looked like she was going to concede defeat, but then mostly to herself she said, “You know what, I WILL,” and she snatched one of the blue disposal masks from her cart and marched over to the entrance of the Starbucks area. “Here you go,” she said, holding out the mask. But SOME BROAD would not budge from the Starbucks counter. She simply held out a limp hand, standing 15 feet away from Target Lady, forcing Target Lady to enter the Starbucks area and bring the mask ALL THE WAY TO HER.

Then we had the strained “THANKS” and “MMMMMM” exchange, at which point Target Lady turned and stormed away. We made eye contact as she walked past me and I said, “I am so sorry that you had to deal with that” and she was just like “YOU KNOW” with an eye roll. Meanwhile, SOME BROAD (who, now that I play this back in my mind, I’m not even sure she even put the mask on?!!?) proceeded to ask the Starbucks barista, “what kind of iced coffee do you have.”

Are you fucking kidding me. But, I guess getting people to read menus for her helps her achieve the next level of Ultimate Entitlement.

I just really hate people like that. Even if she is fully vaccinated (to give her the benefit of the doubt), we are still required to wear masks inside and this is not an attack on any fucking freedom, I’m so goddamn sick of it. Like my friend Todd said after I told him this story, we were told forever ago that we have to wear shirts when we go in stores, and that has been  going just fine. What’s one additional TINY PIECE OF FABRIC even matter in the grand scheme of things? Is that what you really want to expend energy fighting for? I’m just so sick of selfish Americans.

Imagine the life Some Broad probably leads. I bet she got into her FORD EXPLORER and went home to her suburban McMansion, put on some Kate & 8 reruns, heated up a Lean Cuisine. and trolled her ex’s Facebook. Dumb bitch.

2. Genesis Sibling Night

My bro Corey texted me last week to tell me that GENESIS is coming to Pittsburgh and thank god he told me because I am so disconnected from the Western entertainment world that I honestly had no idea. We both signed up for the verified fan presale and were both selected, so we got the opportunity to purchase tickets three days before the general sale and BOY WAS I NERVOUS. Big concerts are so fucking stressful to buy tickets for, I hate it so much. And I haven’t had to do this since the SuperM concert in 2019!!

But I like that Ticket Master is all “let’s fuck those bots up their stainless steel assholes” by having legit fans verify themselves and use special links and codes in order to get tickets. IT WAS STILL STRESSFUL THOUGH!!

I took one of the team and offered to do the purchasing since Corey wasn’t going to be home when sales went live, and I was sweating gumballs, to quote my grandma. First, it was saying my code was invalid then it was mad because I was leaving single seats stranded or something and that was a new thing to me, and then when I finally secured two seats and went to pay, it stayed on that “HOLD TIGHT WHILE WE VERIFY YOUR SEATS” screen for like 10 minutes before TIMING OUT and dumping me back into the seating chart page.

I was screaming!!

BUT. I was able to get two slightly better seats because of that.

Floor seats were outrageous, but this was the next best thing, as far as I could tell from the tiny dots I was looking at!

So, five years after THE HOUSE ON GILLCREST drama, my brother Corey and I will be seeing for the first time the band that I think we both grew to love from all the time we spent at our grandparents’ house growing up. The “Invisible Touch” album is definitely the soundtrack to my kitchen! When I listen to that while muddling through my breakfast preparation in the mornings, I feel like I could conquer the world.

All I know is that if/when Tonight Tonight Tonight is performed, I am going to lose my fucking mind.

3. Buddy & the Babies

Remember when I mentioned the other day that we discovered Girl Buddy wasn’t actually pregnant but that she HAD ALREADY HAD THE BABIES? Well, she’s been bringing them around every day now and they are so fucking cute. They look more like pre-teens because they apparently don’t  leave the nest for several months, so she likely had them sometime last fall maybe? Beginning of winter? I don’t fucking  know, I didn’t go to college for Squirrelogy! (Though it feels like I’m currently enrolled.)

Ignore the mess – I have to sweep the porch like 87 times a day because of these brats. They are so messy!!

4. More Vintage Vacation Journal Fun

Literally no one requested this but here is ANOTHER PEEK INTO 10-YEAR-OLD ERIN’S VACATION JOURNAL.

The brother in question was not Corey, but my other brother Ryan. I no longer hate him, don’t worry!!

5. SAY IT AIN’T SO, KWANGSOO

Henry and I don’t watch Running Man regularly anymore (my ADD is off the charts these days)  but when I saw recently that Lee Kwangsoo is stepping down due to health reasons, I actually cried real tears. He is one of my favorites! Henry and I were just recently watching some clips on YouTube and laughing our faces off – that show is so fucking funny, even if you’re not Korean, the humor still comes through and Henry and I have both laughed until our stomachs hurt while watching some of these episodes, and it was largely because Kwangsoo IS SUCH A FUCKING CHARACTER.

I’ve mentioned it on here so many times, but Running Man was one of the first shows I started watching when I got into Korean culture and it will always be so special to me. During both of our trips to Korea, there were numerous times when Henry and I would be like DIDN’T RUNNING MAN FILM HERE?!? and get so giddy over it. (Well, I would get giddy Henry would just say “heh” and move on with his life.) And when I taught myself the hangeul alphabet, watching Running Man was like unlocking so many doors in my mind because suddenly I could read the names on the name tags, and even some of the words on  the screen!

For those who don’t know, Running Man is a variety show with a fixed cast (Kwangsoo was one of the OG members) and usually they will have celebrity guests on, too. The ones with BIGBANG are the BEST, obviously! It’s called Running Man because in the beginning seasons, the shows would culminate in a huge game of tag, essentially, where everyone would have to try and rip each others’ name tags off.

Anyway, Kwangsoo was the “maknae” (youngest) of the cast and the abuse he endured was hilarious and also painful to watch at times! This show really takes a physical toll on all of the members and I hope that Kwangsoo spends his Running Man-less time taking care of himself and getting some much-needed rest. But oof, he will be missed. :(

And for your Friday Night Viewing Enjoyment, here’s a compilation of some of the best tag elimination / chases over the years! Seriously, this show makes me laugh so hard. America could never have a show like this.

When Pittsburgh Public Schools originally announced that kids who were not put in any of the mandatory ‘back-to-school’ groups (i.e. kids with special needs, kids with poor virtual attendance, I actually don’t know because Henry is the one who read those emails not me hahaha), the rest of the kids had the option to return to school in May for a hybrid thingie (two days in school, three days virtual). Chooch was like NAH I’M COOL THANKS. So we opted out. But then I started to panic. Did we make the wrong choice? Would it be better for him to return, even if it is super late into the year, just so he can get the feel for a school that he has only been inside of once (for orientation that happened literally two weeks before everything shut the fuck down in March 2020)? So Henry contacted the person in charge to tell them that we changed our mind and that Chooch would be returning to in-person.

Today was the first day for that to happen, so Henry took today and tomorrow off work to ensure that we get him to school smoothly because I cannot be trusted with such a daunting task and we have no idea what bus he’s supposed to take because the STUPID PORT AUTHORITY WEBSITE WAS DOWN. Yes, he has to take regular public transportation to this school which is so fucking stupid but that’s what happens when there is a shortage of school bus drivers because people apparently don’t want to work I guess???

I decided I would go along for the ride because I’m late shift today and wouldn’t it be SO NICE if Henry and I had A BREAKFAST DATE AFTERWARD?

But first, we had to get Mr. Miz(rable) to school. I thought it would be fun for Henry and I to both walk him to the front door of the school, Chooch ensconced in a parental posse, but he wasn’t too KEEN on that suggestion. Instead, we had to park halfway down the block and release him into the wild.

Chooch’s school is pretty much on the University of Pittsburgh campus, so it was actually very reminiscent of the times Henry would drive me to class when I was at Pitt and I would basically roll out of the car and hide behind a bush until it was safe to come out. God forbid anyone think my DADDY was dropping me off at school!

After we dropped him off, we went to Polish Hill and walked around for about 30 minutes, waiting for Kaibur Cafe to open at 8:00am. It was pretty cold this morning and Bitch Baby Henry was only wearing a t-shirt (and pants, don’t worry) so he was like OMG I AM SO COLD and I was like “Bitch, maybe check the weather once in a while, that’s why I’m wearing a sweater.”

See also: in our weekly team meeting at work, the common topic is ALWAYS WEATHER so that is usually how I know what to expect, like the time I said a few weeks ago that it was going to snow and Henry was like BULLSHIT and I was like OK WAIT AND SEE and then it snowed and I was like THANK YOU, WEEKLY TEAM MEETING.

Henry was such a little cunt about sitting on this horsie. “UGH IT’S COLD AND WET OMG I’M SUCH A PUSSY BITCH NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT I CRIED FOR MY MOMMY EVERY DAY WHEN I WAS IN THE SERVICE.”

Here in my hand please find a copy of “The Dead Hour” by Denise Mina which I plucked from a Little Free Library moments before this photo was taken. IT BETTER BE GOOD because I had to carry it around with me for the rest of the walk.

I’m sure Chooch is fine but I kept saying “DO YOU THINK CHOOCH IS OK” every three minutes. I mean, he’s a pretty social kid and pretty much immediately made a group of friends last fall and I think at least one of them is also starting back IRL today so I was like, “DID YOU TEXT DANIIL AND TELL HIM YOU’LL MEET HIM AT LUNCH OR WHATEVER” and Chooch just glared at me so I’m not sure what that means, but we at least took him to get his hair cut last night (super last minute, true to form) so he won’t be walking down the halls looking like the Partridge Family today.

He refused to take his Frozen hand sanitizer though so Henry to give him a normal one.

Wow, so artful. But also, I can see my work building and I’m kind of sad. But also kind of still not ready to go back? LOL, I’m such a hypocrite, forcing my kid to go back to real school (“It’ll be good for you to slowly immerse yourself back into a routine!”) while I’m over here panicking about when we’ll get the official OK to return to the office.

I would like to make a cute mosaic on our front porch I WONDER IF THE SQUIRRELS WOULD LIKE THAT.

Then we ordered our food at 8 and had to sit in the car while waiting for it because it was chilly outside and some dumb guy walked by pushing a stroller, dog on leash, toddler trailing behind. Henry said, “What do you think that kid’s name is?” and with no hesitation at all, I blurted out, “Zephyr.” So then Henry kept laughing which was off-putting because he never laughs at anything I say because only MANS IS FUNNEE, and he kept hoping the guy would call his kid so we could find out but he never did but also he looked the kind of dad that would say, “SONNY BOY” instead of the kid’s name.

Then we brought our breakfast home and I’ll tell you, my vegan tofu scramble sammy was good but not $13’s worth of good.

And now I will walk to the post office and then eventually log onto work while doling out duties for Henry because STAY AT HOME is my FAVORITE HENRY. And hopefully Chooch checks in with us at some point?!!? I forgot to yell “DON’T GET BULLIED!! MOMMY LOVES YOU!!” out the window when he got out of the car UGHHHH.