May 252012
Dec 072011
My friend Brandy is always busting out cool crafts and other projects on her blog, so I asked her to do something holiday-ish to share on here with you guys. I’m no crafter at all, but even I was inspired to take a trip to the craft store/fabric store/Goodwill/Dollar General (seriously we never have any crafting supplies in this house; just art shit) and try this out myself (with a TON of help from Andrea, who has a lot of patience, probably because of all those saints that she prays to. I’m starting to do that now too. It’s like a new game for me!). I will post about our experience later, pictures included (but no blood smears; that’s all dried up by now).
***
I was beyond thrilled when Erin asked me to do a DIY post for her blog. At first I was overwhelmed with fear because Erin is such an excellent writer that I was certain that I would fail.
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Not much time had passed before I came up with a pretty decent idea that I thought would make a good fit though. The pictures suck but I’m not a professional photog (I just pretend to be) so just go with it. I should give you little back story first, I’m not a big fan of Santa Claus. In fact I hate the fat asshole and that concludes the back story. I thought about horrible things I could do that would involve me doing harm to him and a voodoo doll was the obvious option.
I don’t want to offend anyone because I know how loved and adored Santa is to most of the world but I’ve learned to move on quickly when I have those kinds of feelings. You don’t have to perform all of the rituals and French or African litany that generally ensues and you can even skip sticking it with pins all together and just use it as an adorable decorative piece. But if logic takes over you’ll realize that Santa “isn’t real” and that creating a voodoo doll for him won’t matter anyways.
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Your kids may even like it to use after Christmas for when Santa (or YOU) don’t buy them what they really wanted. It may even come in handy for the average spinster when Santa doesn’t leave that hot stud on her doorstep like he “promised” he would.
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(Ed.Note: This was one of the parts Andrea did for me last night because she didn’t want me handling a glue gun.)
Thanks for having me! Happy Pricking!
-Brandy
Nov 122011
I always say that if it weren’t for Barb, I probably wouldn’t have lasted very long at The Law Firm; she made me feel welcome from the get-go, showed me all the ropes, and by the end of the my first night it became extremely clear to me why she’s pretty much everyone’s favorite in that department. Since April 2010, she has quickly become one of my favorite people of all time and has let me cry about my asshole family to her on countless occasions, which skyrockets her out of the plain and ordinary “co-worker” category.
Barb seemed surprised when I asked her to contribute, but I don’t know why! She’s been such a big supporter and never makes me think that is just “some dumb blog.” She understands that it’s a part of me and she doesn’t make me feel stupid for it. When she used to sit directly behind me, she would read it and laugh super hard out loud, which would make me quietly proceed with a power fist gesticulation.
Here are her picks!
1. Interview with the law firm*I believe this was the first entry I read after Erin let me in on the fact that she writes a blog. Wow, I thought, as soon as I read the first entry. This girl has got TALENT! I became hooked after the very first time and am still fascinated by it all. Sometimes dark, often humorous, even sometimes a bit sad, but always worth a daily fix. Erin is an amazing writer who can evoke all kinds of emotions from her readers. With apologies to Forrest Gump, I think this comparison holds true: “OHE is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get.”
*[Ed.Note: I wonder how many times Barb has said “Oh, you poor thing” to me since that day. A sickening amount, I’m sure.]
2. The Big Angry Blow Me (a/k/a The Vehicular Imblowlio)
3. Where My Cat Is ALmost Van Gogh’d
4. What Poor People Do For Fun
5. The Zoo: Why Do I Torture Myself?
Anything that involves Chooch’s capers. Erin likes to pretend that he gets on her nerves and he’s hard to handle and she finds being a mom tough, but through all of the stories, her love for Chooch comes out one way or another. She just writes about things that all parents go through but that most of us are afraid to say out loud.
[Ed.Note: I randomly chose #3-5 because Barb couldn’t make up her mind and was whining about not wanting other posts to feel less loved.]
Nov 112011
So here it is: the Big 4. It seems like it’s been so much longer that my life has been out there for all to see. Oh it has, ever since Erin started live journal sometime in the early 2000’s.
From the very beginning she has known that “I DO NOT LIKE MY PERSONAL LIFE OUT THERE”. But that didn’t stop her from posting about me. Now comes the 4th birthday of OHE and she asks me to think of 5 posts that I find are my favorite, that seems easy enough, but then I also have to write about them (another thing I hate, Writing) and post it as a guest blogger. Sounds fun and exciting to someone who hates to write, and I have been putting it off since she asked me to do it.
Unlike most of you who read OHE I happen to be in almost every post, except the ones that involve Jonny (I hope I spelled the asshole’s name right). I have had pictures posted of me in a dress, tutu and makeup. (Almost forgot the wiener pics, my favorite.)
She pretty much posts everthing I do or say that would make me look bad or embarrass the fuck out of me.
Examples: Christmas Eve, Part 2: Henry’s Big Gay Secret
You would think this would have nothing to do with me
She just loves my service years, and not for good.
I have only cracked the surface of my life altering embarrassing moments that she has exploited to the fullest. So you see why I have such a hard time picking 5 posts that are my favorite for the 4th birthday of OHE. I don’t think I could narrow it down to that few, but according to her I don’t read it. Do I really have to read something that I live day to day, sometimes that very same day, sometimes a week later?
Yes, I do have to read it, not daily like she wants me to, but I do get around to it eventually. Usually after she starts whining and hounding me to. I wouldn’t miss reading how I made her life a living hell or one of our many trips that suddenly have things in them that I don’t remember happening that way. Granted she does write about the good stuff but who wants that, that’s boring.
Man I hate to say this in an open forum where it can be seen by all and will be here for ever (A lesson Erin has not yet mastered and if she does, people will stop reading). But I have gotten used to all the ridicule and embarrassment that she puts me through on a daily basis, my life being out there for everyone to see and read about. There is only one reason that could have happened, that I could become numb to it all:
Because over the past 10 years Erin has become my best friend and love of my life. So here is to many more years of Henrying for all to read.
Thanks for reading
Nov 112011
I have known Alyson since, what? 2005 at least. We met on LiveJournal and she came all the way from New Hampshire for my baby shower a year later. I’m grateful to have had several chances to spend time with her over the years and we’ve been kicking around the idea of planning a winery trip next year, which would be amazing on so many levels. She has been a constant source of support and encouragement for me, in all aspects, not just writing; and she is also one of the few people I have met in my life who understands what it’s like to listen to music and feel like your entire body and soul is a giant cavity being swished with bourbon, and that going to a show is like our version of fucking Sunday mass.
It’s a huge honor that Alyson took time out to write this for me.
***
So, I have been thinking about your greatest hits, and I am finding that the ones sticking in my head the most are the ones in which you write about your Pappap, the ones in which you attend shows and Warped Tour, and the Christina ones because you are so completely real about the giant fuckshow that friendship was, without blaming anyone. You just tell the truth. In that one and in everything you write.
I re-read the Pittsburgh Warped Tour one and was like, wow. This one.
I love your posts about music. Your passion for music runs so deeply, it hurts, and you make us feel your pain, and it’s beautiful.
Also, the Manuel ones make me laugh to the point of tears. Your writing always makes me feel something; it was your writing that made me want to know you, after all.
1. An Old Person’s Perspective of Warped Tour: A Boring Interview with Henry J. Robbins
2. Henry’s Downhill Battle Mountain
3. The Christina Chronicles: The Worst Memorial Day Weekend, Part 1 – The PB&J
(I randomly chose those two on behalf of Alyson as an example of the music and Christina categories.)
Nov 102011
I’m totally honored that Dusti wanted to contribute to my little dog and pony show I’ve got going on this week. I met her by chance via a Craigslist ad I placed in 2008 looking for victims to animal mask-up and photograph, and ironically, she was a Castle Blood denizen at the time.
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I instantly knew she was someone I wanted to know, and she was the only person I kept in touch with after the Photo Shoot That Never Came Close To Happening.
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It only took 4 years, but we finally met up for coffee a few weeks ago after years of e-cordiality. I’m happy to call her a real life friend. Thank you for making me a little misty-eyed before Chooch’s parent/teacher conference, Dusti!
***
I’m not actually sure how long I’ve been reading your blog. Our paths crossed on LiveJournal pre-2007 (obviously), and I’d have lost you to WordPress were it not for the joy of RSS feeds. (Your LJ name* bewildered me a little, but I loved you anyway.) (And your LJ is older than mine by 5 months or so. We may have to have a girl fight over that.
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I’m not sure yet.)
(*Vagynafondue, ya’ll!)
*Anyway*. This all means I’ve been sitting at my computer watching your online evolution. But my gut reaction to, “What do I love about Erin’s blog?” is, “The photos!” (You were expecting to hear, “The inmate penpal stories,” weren’t you?) But it was your Mad Photography Skillz that made me initially contact you in ’08 (oo, you almost mentioned me in your blog yay! The Chuck Saga).
Anyway. I friggin’ love these. And I friggin’ love that you’re someone that has kept animal masks in your trunk Just In Case. And I continue to hope that someday you will put me in a ridiculous animal mask, too.
Bunny Mask:
https://www.ohhonestlyerin.com/
When Animals Wed:
https://www.ohhonestlyerin.com/
Mmmmmmmonkey:
https://www.ohhonestlyerin.com/
Bunny in the Cemetery:
https://www.ohhonestlyerin.com/
And this is probably my all time fav post (and I don’t remember if anyone else has listed it and if they haven’t I don’t care I’m doing it again so there)…
Undead Abduction:
https://www.ohhonestlyerin.com/
Whilst I love your amusement park posts and of course your haunt reviews, it’s the photo stuff that I remember the most.
You’re wicked talented.
(..Shut UP. You ARE.)
Nov 092011
I’m so glad that my blog waited until the week of its fucking birthday to break. There are error messages galore and I’m sure this is somehow Henry’s fault.
Blame Henry ’11.
(Which reminds me, I still need to make those buttons.)
Anyhow, while I’m at work decompressing from a long day on a juror panel (I didn’t get picked, but that’s a story for later), I figured I would round up the posts that some of my friends have picked as favorites and share them on this here blog. You know what’s nice? Not having shit to do. Thanks guys, for doing all the choosing for me!
***
1. The Gingercrack House : picked by Chris, my new haunted house friend!
My first exposure to OHE was a link to your blog about Trundle Manor about a year ago when I was researching TM in one of those “how the hell don’t I know about this place already” fits. I enjoyed the insight as well as the writing style.
Then came the first Castle Blood Matinee article, which I still think is the best thing that has ever been written about us. The “hyperbole that rings true” struck a chord in all of us and we literally couldn’t wait for a visit that year. (I write a lot for the attraction and am VERY nit-picky when somebody else puts something in print, and this one raised the bar for all other articles.)
Omitting anything personal in the blog due to bias, I would say that my favorite things are the fair/amusement park trip reports because they relate so well to what Kari and I do in our spare time and the adventures play out in a similar manner. The stand-out exception to all of this is the “Gingerbread Crack House” story, which I loved from start to finish and wish that I had been so clever as to come up with that particular gem of an idea.
2. Alisha’s Secret & Turning Religious : picked by Brandy, whose blog you should be reading.
I can’t tell you exactly what it was about this post but when I read it I was instantly hooked. and I can prove it with this post. It’s been a little over a year now that I’ve been reading your blog; one good thing to come from Blog Frog.
The following 3 were chosen by my brother, Corey:
3. From the Photo Album (totally forgot about this)
5. The Cure Pilgrimage, Part 2: Pat’s Pizzeria
6. ROBIN : this was chosen by the inimitable Sandrababy, who inspired the second part of it in the first place.
Well, why don’t you just take me to a buffet and ask me which is my favorite dish?! My dear, every one of your posts shines by itself. Even when you expound more than once on a particular subject, I find you are never repetitive. Do you realize how difficult that is to accomplish in the often unforgiving world of writing? Quite simply, I adore you. I adore your family. I adore your art. I adore your superfunk nail designs. Just…everything.
Oh, alright. My favorite LJ post was when I asked you to make Henry take a pic with your cracktastic neighbor (the one with the Bozo hair), AND YOU DID. How I laughed. How I still laugh! Poor Henry.
7. If You Ever Wanted To Induce a Heart Attack : picked by Kara, because she laughs so hard she pees a little every time she reads it, so now I want you all to picture Kara with a soggy crotch as you read this.
Happy birthday, little blog.
Nov 082011
I met Andrea through an Etsy street team, but I always thanked my blog for luring her in. I use it as a friend-capturing device to make people believe that I am really this cool broad from Pittsburgh and then by the time they realize that I’m pretty boring and average, if not wildly whiny and ditzy, in real life, IT’S TOO LATE. THEY’RE ALREADY IN MY WEB. I AM FEEDING FROM THEIR STOMACH CAVITIES RIGHT NOW.
Anyhow, Andrea has been such a big cheerleader for my blog and whenever I get down about it, she gives me a good dose of Tough Love; a kick in the ass via text message; and sometimes, if I’m lucky, a care package of new My Pretty Zombie eyeshadow colors and gummy body parts. Being able to call her a friend is one of the best things that came from this blog.
She has been supremely busy out there in California, yet still made time to dig through for some of her favorites. Thank you, Andrea! (Everyone thank her! God!)
***
Andrea’s favorite Chooch story.
According to Andrea, this is a good cross-section of my BRILLIANCE, you guys. Take that, absentee SAT-score.
“That one where you almost hooked up with that Chucky guy,” I believe is how Andrea referred to this one.
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Fun fact: the actor who played Andy in Child’s Play actually found this blog post and we’re now Facebook friends because of it. Even though I was practically sexually harassing him via the Internet. Good to know I can get away with that shit.
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4. How Not to Talk to Strangers In a Cemetery
5. Bullying, Chooch and Mommy-style
This is Andrea’s favorite one of all time. I could write a post that would lead to me befriending Lil’ Wayne in real life, which would then lead to me setting him up with her on a blind date and that would inevitably lead to a marriage full of shiny gold grills, facial tattoos and gratuitous jock spritzing and she would still say, “No, the one about you and Chooch being assholes is still my favorite.”
***
And don’t forget to come back at the end of the week to sign up for the Oh Honestly, Erin giveaway, which will include 5 full-size jars of My Pretty Zombie eyeshadow and one blush (your choice of colors)! If you’re a dude, you should still go for it. I’ll have a painting and a set of my zombie notecards in the mix too, plus other stuff which I have yet to decide. Besides, you might look nice with some lavender lids.
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Nov 072011
I’ve been friends with Janna since sixth grade. SIXTH GRADE. She’s always been one of my few “IRL” friends who supported my blogging efforts (habits?), but fear could have something to do with that. Next to Henry, she probably knows me better than anyone else, so I’m honored that she chose some of her favorites to share. Especially considering I drag her through the mud nearly as much as I do Henry.
So without further ado, here she is. Thank you, Janna!
***
Picking my favorites from this blog was not an easy choice because there is SO much good stuff here that Erin has written over the years. Eventually I was able to narrow my list of favorites down to five. I’ve got to say it was fun to read far back to the beginning of this blog to remind myself of some of the early stories and rediscover those baby Chooch pictures.
I wanted to have one of the short stories in my list because these were so well written and enjoyable to read. Out of Erin’s short stories, (which she needs to write more of), I picked Franklin’s Bar. I think a lot of my explanations for my favorites are going to hard for me to verbalize other than “I just thought it was great”. This story is great. As with many, if not all of the stories Erin’s written, the last few lines are the best. They’re something twisted and funny and dark and make me finish the story laughing. Well, the whole story is that stuff. This is my favorite line(s) from Franklin. “Back then, if you would have told me that Franklin’s was where I’d meet the man I was going to rape, I’d have laughed at you. Then kicked your ass.”
I was there, believe me, it was lame. BUT the way Erin wrote about it made the thing way way WAY more interesting than I ever observed it to be. So why I like this post and added it to my favorites is basically the amount of sarcasm used to describe things that make me weeze with laughter to this day.
(Though the whole entirety of this trip is amazing.) Again, I’m going to have to go with “This thing is just great” because of my lack of ability to really explain why I love this. I guess I really enjoy the details and comedy in Erin’s story telling. This trip is a great example of that. Two things mainly stick out for me- trying to get Henry to give directions over the phone “Henry: What are you near? Me: A black lady in really high boots.” and the description of that motel make this post completely awesome.
I can tell from the writing (and personal knowledge) how much these memories are important to Erin. I love it not only because it’s nostalgia for me, but I can see how much this stuff means to her.
I picked one of the photo posts to be part of this list because, just like the short stories, the pictures are an important part of this blog. I chose the post with the pictures of Andrea and Chooch in the cemetery. Not only are they ridiculously fantastic, I LOVE these because of the story that they show.
Nov 052011
On October 24, 2007, I left LiveJournal (where I was affectionately and rather grotesquely known as “vagynafondue”) and started Oh Honestly, Erin. It was scary, leaving a comfortable home for my writing after 6 years, but I felt it was time to move on, to claw my way out of the pigeon-hole, and to hopefully reach people outside of the members-only club that is LiveJournal.
It took me awhile to find my voice again, and WordPress caused a thousand knockdown-dragouts between Henry and me, but now I can’t imagine writing anywhere else. I don’t even know for sure if many people still read this thing, I know I lost a lot of my old LJ friends when I jumped ship, but it’s OK. Because it’s a part of me like a bad coke habit and I only see future possibilities, Henry exposés, and late night benders on the horizon.
With that, I’ve asked some of my friends to pick a few of their favorite OHE posts from years past, which I will be highlighting all week. Because maybe if people see that my friends actually read this shit, it will seem more legit. Otherwise, if left up to me, it will be a post full of county fair bullshit and Jonny Craig videos.
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(Henry even said he would pretend like he knows how to read by choosing some of his own favorites. I’m not holding my breath on that one; blue never did look good on me.)
And if any of you have any personal favorites, please leave a comment and let me know. It would be like a virtual birthday cupcake for me.
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And make sure to stop back at the end of the week, because there will be a “thanks for reading this shit” giveaway*. I felt bad that I dropped the ball on that last giveaway over the summer since, you know, my grandma died. But you forgive me, right?!
(*I promise to try and make it worthwhile.)
My friend Casey (formerly of the band Joke Flower) is here to kick things off. Thanks, Casey!
An Open (Love) Letter To Oh Honestly, Erin
Hello, Oh. How are you today?
On this occasion (your 4th birthday!), I wanted to let you know what you mean to me and how important you are in my life.
I know we haven’t been acquainted for a vast amount of time, but every moment I’ve spent with you has been precious to me.
I’ve been asked what my favorite parts of you are. How am I to answer this? I may as well be asked my favorite song, book or film.
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It’s an impossible question to answer, for they are far too numerous!
Of course, I have been with many blogs in the past (haven’t we all?), but never have I laughed so much, or felt so at home, as when I’m in the warm embrace of your (often sarcastic) words and (frequently macabre) images. From the artistic beauty of blossoming zombie friendships in the cemetery, to the perfectly placed, exquisitely timed “motherfucker”s; from hilarious tales of law firm shenanigans, to images of Henry The Elder surrounded by gigantic, bright yellow cocks…each new missive becomes my favorite!
But I can’t even say that zombies, giant yellow peenz and “motherfucker”s define my love for you in themselves. You have also taught me so much. Through your words and pictures, I have discovered that Jonny Craig, although unquestionably talented, is a supreme douchebag; I have been introduced to the infinite joys of the wondrous Wacky Worm; I am now convinced of the timeless genius of Robert Smith and his merry band of minstrels, THE CURE. (TOLHURST!)
Oh, when I immerse myself in you, it’s like venturing into a small, warm room (perhaps like a closet) that’s full to the ceiling of treasures, just waiting to be discovered.
So, I just wanted to wish you the best of all possible birthdays, and I look forward to spending many more days with you, enjoying your endless charms.
In short, I love you lots like tater tots!
Yours truly,
Casey