Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 17:24 I just taught Chooch how to do somersaults. That should keep him busy long enough for an accident to happen. #
• 08:40 Shit. Debbie Gibson was such a good dancer. #
• 08:52 A Cure video came on VH1 Classic & my tantruming child instantly smiled, yelled ROBERT & sat down to watch. Like a shot of Lithium. #
• 11:11 My non-voting mother has taken to texting my brother threats to sway his decision. She also told him she’s going to kill me. #
• 14:00 I almost had an anxiety attack voting. My lips still feel numb. I was so afraid I was going to fuck up. I need some bourbon. #
• 14:01 And my stupid polling locale didn’t have any of those commemorative I Voted stickers. They should really give out gifts. Like Puddin’ Pops. #
• 14:02 On the brightside, I only had to stand in line, inhaling old people fragrance, for three minutes. Good ol’ Brookline. #
• 14:21 My brother broke his hand & our loving mother said “that’s what you get for voting for Obama” and proceeded to laugh at him. #
• 14:37 Chooch, holding up a single Runt: “What’s this?” Henry: “its what mommy is, but with an ‘r'”. #
• 22:49 Less talkie, more workie. #
• 23:18 What is that I’m feeling? Hope? I had forgotten what that felt like that. SILLY. #
• 05:25 Respect – that’s also something I haven’t felt in a long time. #

• 11:14 Celebrating post-election by fighting at the zoo w/ my conservative mate. If there hadn’t already been a show called Good Times……. #
• 12:22 Its sad that in the year 2008, the zoo wouldn’t have some food choices for their vegetarian friends. #

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• 17:14 My mom bragged that she converted three ppl to mccain’s side thanks to bulletins on MySpace. Did I mention my mom’s not registered? #
• 02:17 I wish I had an assistant. Well, one that doesn’t bitch at me, and one that doesn’t live 4 hrs away. Otherwise, I’d have two. #
• 08:03 I am also hiring for the position of personal sundae artist. #

• 13:42 why do all the good people live so far away. #
• 14:34 there should be halloween porn where trick or treaters have to reach into zombie vag to get candy. #
• 14:51 I placed an Alchemy request on Etsy for a Lost Boys-themed quilt for Chooch and the bids have been pouring in. #
• 14:51 This is either going to wind up amazingly awesome or a hokey disaster. #
• 15:06 twitpic.com/j5uu – Chills courtesy of my death row penpal #
• 19:05 HI I’M TRICK OR TREATING AFTER ALL. #
• 19:11 I might’ve changed out of my heels first. #
• 19:23 Someone on this street is utilizing a chainsaw. #
• 19:37 Someone gave Chooch a Ziplock bag of pennies. Tasty. #

• 22:20 Whenever I consider dumping Henry, I always remember his adequacy in the soup-making dept and suddenly, I’m hugging up on him. #
• 22:50 I just confided in Henry my mission to avoid crossing bridges and he alerted me that I’m “living in the wrong city for that.” NO SHIT. #
• 10:42 Little gets me as amped as hearing “Easy Lover.” #
• 10:52 Trying to get henry to buy me a big rusted chain at flea market. He said no the first 2x and is now ignoring me. #
• 11:14 I guess selling scary religious pictures isn’t in vogue anymore. How will my bathroom shrine ever be complete. #
• 11:19 I’m inspired by all the ass cracks I’ve seen here. Liberating. #
• 11:34 Henry is about to come to blows over snackbooth line-cutting. But a man can call me a cunt and he waves it off. #
• 11:46 twitpic.com/jla6 – An entire wristful of holy shit for only a dollar. #

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• 15:17 Oh thank fuck, I won the ebay auction for a Canadian-made gas mask. CLOSE ONE. #
• 20:10 Coming home to the Chiodos re-issue and a Lubitel temporarily made me hate life a little less. But tomorrow’s a new day!!! #
• 11:12 I want a nanny for xmas. Or my own apartment where I can live alone. I might even consider a jail cell. #
• 15:23 According to a one “Hammerin’ Hank,” I am a bitch of the highest order. And he disagrees with the title of my blog. #
• 21:39 twitpic.com/iozy – “Ma, I color’d yous a pitchur oh yes I did” #
• 21:47 twitpic.com/ip1b – “I sell this on Etsy now, mommy?” #
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• 15:10 Just the other day, I wrote in my diary how I couldn’t wait to drive to work in a snowstorm. My diary, the genie. #
• 19:12 Me: “I like creepy stuff.” My boss, double-fisting the sarcasm: “Orly? Because I couldn’t tell.” #
• 09:07 Sitting next to my son as he wails I HAVE THAT??? I HAVE THAT! HERE PLZ at every commercial on Nickelodeon is better than breakfast. #
• 09:11 YES CHOOCH you can have the Hannah Montana Stylin’ Head. I’ll even throw in a training bra, I’m so nice. #
• 11:28 Thank you, Jerry Maguire, for lassoing my child’s attention long enough for my stress level to drop a point. #
• 11:32 Thank you, Jerry Maguire, for teaching my son to chant I’M FUCKED. #

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• 17:07 My boss just noticed my Michael Myers ring, stepped back and said “girl, ur scaring me. Like, I’m afraid ur gonna chop me up or something.” #
• 17:18 Do not list new items on etsy & type descriptions w/ a toddler on your lap, lest u want ppl to think English is ur 2nd language. #
• 20:09 My co-worker suzette said I’m too sweet to be a whip-cracker and I said “yes ma’am u sure is right. I is an angel.” #
• 21:08 Henrys bitching bc our waitress is doting on me and ignoring him. “She probably thinks I’m a celebrity,” I said. “It happens.” #

• 13:45 Me, upon Henry’s arrival: “Chooch is in the land where assholes lie.” Henry: “Oh, in your room?” #
• 16:33 Just yesterday I was like “you know, I could go for a nice paper cut on the knuckle.” Today, God answered my prayer. Blessed be. #
• 18:11 It smells like a scene kid sleepover is a’brew!! #
• 19:59 Perhaps if my co-biller wasn’t on the phone so much, this wouldn’t be taking “so long.” #
• 12:33 Sometimes I feel that if not for Henry, I’d be comatose behind a dive bar w/ a needle sticking out of my arm, like, every Friday nite. #

• 13:00 me: “are all kids this whiney and insistent?” Henry: “Yes, and so are 29-year-olds who sit beside me.” #
• 16:11 Took Chooch to the Castle Blood no-scare walk thru where a 60+ vampire blatantly stared at my chest. Wanted: shower & antiseptic soap. #
• 17:01 Erin’s living hell defined: sitting next to HENRY at King’s with a fucking FOOTBALLl game blaring above my head. #
• 17:02 Chooch just called it “shitball”. Yes, son. That is correct. #
• 18:53 About to get massacred on the hill and no one else is here. #
• 19:15 This place is run by very scary people, including a shrill ticket lady named Vicky. #
• 20:29 Just witnessed a trucker saying goodbye to his woman and Henry mumbled “wish that was me” #
• 20:52 I feel like I survived a bus-tipping with the other six ppl who stood in line for an hour with us. #
• 20:54 Henry gave me a hairy eye-balling for my interpretative dancing to 3oh3. IT WAS HOTTTT tho. Dancey dancey whut. #

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• 15:16 i made a new etsy shop just for my dumb peetchurs. A sign that i should reconsider college. tinyurl.com/6f4h6t #
• 17:51 If I was a dog, I’d be tenderly licking my balls right now. #
• 22:46 twitpic.com/hijk – Being overly dramatic about the cold weather. #
• 23:46 Henry has secret hooker case studies. #
• 23:57 Me: “where do u masturbate?” Henry: “in the front yard. STOP TWEETING ABOUT ME.” #
• 11:33 Today, chooch learned the detrimental consequences of ricochet. #
• 12:58 twitpic.com/hkzj – Watching Lost Boys sans vampires, aka License to Drive. #
• 16:48 Henry had scissors in his hands today and I honest to god flinched. Never start a fight w/ a man holding scissors, brainiac. #
• 17:15 I’m going to be in Buffalo in two weeks and I need to find some shit to desecrate. Or at least, a good vegetarian restaurant. #
• 00:22 tonite i managed to walk up my pitch-black driveway to the house w/o socializing w/ any roaming cracked-out “neighbors.” Henry was proud. #
• 00:27 when i reference hookers, i’m merely referring to myself. #

• 08:40 I really want the next High School Musical to be Trade School Opera. #
• 09:12 I wonder how difficult it would be to book Laurie Berkner for my funeral. #
• 10:15 I’m paralyzed by the blood of Christ. And all that cat urine I shot into my veins this morning. #
• 11:17 If I start now, I might be able to get Chooch to speak with a natural, yet subtle, Slovak accent. #
• 11:18 It’ll make my adoption via gypsy caravan story more believable. That and the tambourine I’ll glue to his hand. #

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• 13:58 I will never understand why some ppl bother to have cell phones when they NEVER answer them. #
• 13:58 Yes, I’m talking about YOU, you douche whistler. #
• 16:28 Visiting my g-ma at the nursing home. In the fish tank, there are 2 fish eating a dead fish. Morbidly awesome. #
• 16:46 Visiting grandma = incredibly awkward. If it wasn’t for Chooch, I don’t think she would have wanted me to come. #
• 00:27 I guess I’m just not living unless I’m tearing out hair in frustration. #

• 12:07 Chooch acts like he’s going to kiss me but really he just wants to use my cheek as a napkin. Fucking precious. And syrupy. #
• 12:45 Corporal Cusser just fed himself soap. #
• 17:04 One of the drivers said he saw me at the flea market. Fucking fabulous. Hopefully it was one of the 3963 times I was being a queerbo. #
• 20:52 I hope that lady isn’t going into the craft store. They close at NINE! She’s going to get reamed. #
• 21:13 twitpic.com/hcob – Henry is a professional gift wrapper. He can tie bows with his tongue. No, he really can’t. #
• 21:18 But he can curl ribbon with his weener. #

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:44 I just sold my first photo! Now I will quit my job and travel the world in a beret. Literally, in a beret with a paddle. #
• 20:37 My boss discovered how easily scared I am. “Its fun all day” he said. #
• 10:46 Walked in on Chooch in his pooping corner and he yelled MOMMY GO! and then literally snarled, “Asshole.” #
• 14:13 Chooch wants to be David from Lost Boys. He already has natural fangs but finding a trench coat is futile. #
• 21:13 Today on my commute, I spied a man standing in front of a portajohn next to the baitshop, fiddling with his fly. It was hot. #
• 23:30 Blake and I attempted to sculpt henrys hair into a hott scene coif while he was engrossed in computer stuff. #
• 22:27 Tonite I learned that janna is not my bff, female chainsaw wielders are the meanest, & using a fake name doesn’t fly in haunted houses. #
• 11:19 I should have emancipated myself when I had the chance. #
• 11:30 I think some guy just pointed a bazooka at me. #
• 11:55 Chooch found the Hotwheels motherlode at the flea market. #
• 12:10 One of these days I’ll remember to bring enuf $ to the flea market to get me a sword. #

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• 13:57 Picking pumpkins is perplexing. #
• 14:43 Chooch woke up in the middle of the nite, pointing at the attic door & saying SCARY SCARY! I KNEW there was something sinister up there. #
• 16:06 I’m always scared when the first thing my boss says to me is “hi do u have artistic abilities?” #
• 16:24 Its like ppl look at me and declare: Now THAT girl likes poster board. Give her some Sharpies! #
• 17:29 The Republicans at work are talking about how they survived 8 yrs of Clinton. LOLSIES. #
• 21:38 I’m learning how to do things without Henry’s aid. Such as boxing my leftovers without dumping it all in my lap. Its a long road. # 
  

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• 11:28 @buenomexicana I’m pretty sure that was in a poem I wrote in 7th grade. #
• 21:47 Pubic plantation. #
• 01:53 I’m glad customers are so thoughtful to leave the bass bumping in their idling cars as they go into my neighbor’s house to buy drugs. #

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• 11:24 Today I will walk around making melodious fellatio sound effects #
• 13:48 Breaking News: Marriage Fails Madonna. Dow what? War huh? Election who? #
• 01:13 shouldn’t be writing things at 1am when i’m giddy and sleep-deprived. should be prank calling ppl instead. #
• 01:17 is vic there? #

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• 12:42 I need a sidekick. One that doubles as the voice of reason. #
• 13:31 @buenomexicana sidekicks don’t live 5 hrs away. #
• 15:23 I want to spray paint HOLY SHIT on the bathroom wall but I can only imagine how Henry will react. All the more reason to forge ahead. #
• 15:51 The bait shop has a poster of the Marlboro Man adhered to the storefront. #
• 15:52 I leave early for work so I can stalk a bait shop. This is what my life sans college has been reduced to. #
• 15:56 Wish the bait shop would stalk ME. Though I think if I come here often enough, I’m bound to witness a murder. #
• 16:43 The AP lady says she likes Mondays bc its a chance to start fresh. She’s the kind who’s likely to wind up gutted & strung from a tree. #
• 20:45 Dm fondabruises THANK YOU!! The coupons came today! #
• 23:28 What kind of shoddy restaurant doesn’t offer PIE???! #
• 23:30 When our waitress said “we have a lovely dessert menu” she was either being sarcastic or talking about the font. #
• 23:46 twitpic.com/flxi – THIS douche is here again. #

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• 11:35 Bank teller caught tailend of my convo where I said “splash some blood on the dress, rip the ends up a little”. #
• 11:35 With wide eyes she told me to have a nice weekend. #
• 11:36 I guess she knew I wasn’t talking about a halloween costume #
• 22:18 My all-time favorite haunted house didn’t open this year. Will shed blood from my wrist in its honor. #

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• 11:06 Still wanting to donate some of my calf muscles. #
• 12:16 I think I found the perfect prom dress. #
• 13:02 http://twitpic.com/fwgp – Like they’ve never seen a menu before. #
• 15:35 Aside from henry & I breaking up for the 3262nd time & my grandma going to the hospital, this weekend was the limit, like really swell. #
• 20:11 My bro and his friends have been stealing shit from my mom’s neighbor’s yard and hiding it in her garage. She thinks she’s going to jail. #
• 20:30 23: amount of times my mom has referenced YouTube, MySpace, and BlogTV in the 20 min I’ve been here. #

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• 16:33 So obsessed with bait shops. Want to interview bait shop owner. Do not know why. #
• 10:17 I want to start my own bowling team. #
• 10:17 Is bowling hard to learn? #

• 13:41 How did I never learn how to cut a goddamn apple? #
• 09:46 Accidentally lingered on Barney for a second too long. Chooch yelled “hey who’s that?” b4 settling in to watch, big smile on face. FUCK. #
• 11:56 My devil & angel aren’t perched on my shoulders; they’re sumo wrestling in my brain. #

• 10:29 Just whiddled a fiddle from a dead man. Now to find a nun to play it. #

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• 12:51 A stationwagon just drove past and Chooch yelled HEARSE. #
• 13:43 Some lady just asked “omg is that jimmy buffet?” Yeah lady. Playing for 15 ppl at the apple fest in Small Town, PA. #
• 13:53 twitpic.com/eqtb – Certain this mans dinner will probably be decomposing flesh. #
• 14:09 We’ve been here for over an hour and there are no masticated apple delicacies lounging in my belly. #
• 15:03 Looking at cute elderly couples, I wondered if henry & I would last that long, then realized he’ll be dead long before I turn elderly. #
• 17:42 I hate that my family has never tried to get to know me. Apparently, I’m not a good time-investment. #
• 18:19 Henrys homemade soups are the chains by which I’m bound to this relationship. He should open a soup kitchen. #  *********
• 10:40 I’m going to be photographing a local hiphop group because apparently I’m not satisfied until stress causes my brain to smoke. #

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********* I’m not lying. Henry throws a bunch of root vegetables in a pot, makes them fornicate with some barley and vegetable stock, and the next thing you know, the thickest, most comforting October slop is delivered in my very own kitchen. Henry also makes a fabulous pumpkin soup; it’s so delicious that I almost wanted to use it as an enema. Maybe minus the cinnamon croutons, though.

I’m trying to get him to open a soupery. A soupfé. A souptessen. All the desserts would be in soup-form. They could look like their famous soup counterparts, like  French onion, and served in those little pot things with marshmallow melted and draped over the top like cheese. Or clam chodwer could have clams, but they’d be suspended in molten white chocolate and nougat instead, topped with chocolate oyster crackers.  

Will be meeting with a construction team soon.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 19:42 My boss has a Richard Marx ringtone. I can’t front though, I’ve been known to power lip-sync to some Hazard #
• 11:18 Shilling Halloween cards to the willing: tinyurl.com/4mdbjk #
• 16:34 Was just told I can keep a book at my desk for when its slow. Heaven, I think I’m feeling you up right now. #
• 17:44 My boss asked me why I’m so dudded up. I had to doublecheck to see if I accidentally put on my Versace sheath and Manolo Blahniks. #
• 17:44 Nope, just jeans and boots. #
• 21:52 Henrys watching iCarly with a smile on his face. #

• 09:54 Desperately seeking: secluded cabin to escape to. Preferrably in woods that are home to chainsaw-wielding psychopath. #
• 17:07 Blake just gave me a piece a gum and said “since my dad doesn’t buy you anything.” #
• 19:37 About to go on hayride. Blakes nipples will protect us. #
• 20:20 Fuck, Michael Myers. You get me hot every time. #
• 20:44 My kid just called Jesus an asshole. #
• 21:38 Chooch sure can quiet a restaurant. #
• 21:44 I make janna sit next to Chooch. That way, when he screams asshole, ppl think she’s the shitty mother. #
• 22:17 Why’s everyone q-tipping their dickholes over these shitty fireworks? Happy fucking birthday already, Pittsburgh. #
• 00:37 The age difference between Henry and me has seemingly doubled. #
• 11:47 We’re taking Captain Vulgarity to the apple festival. I’m bracing myself. #
• 11:53 A lot of apples are going to get their feelings hurt today. #

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• 15:30 Drugfreeworld.org commercials make me want to die, motherfuck. #
• 17:21 I get praised a lot at my job. The Leo in me purrs. #
• 20:34 My boss calls his girlfriend “babydoll”. OH, HENRY!!!!!???!! #

• 12:43 “That’s great, Erin!” “Good job, Erin!” “I love you, Erin!” – phrases that will cause the earth to implode if ever uttered by my mom. #
• 15:54 Blog comment from Craig’s mom + big fat rainbow en route to work = two great nightmare negators. #
• 02:29 It seems I work with a herd of republicans. They’re all hoping Palin doesn’t fuck up at the Debate. I laughed. #
• 02:38 What, my tweets don’t rate, Twitter? #
• 09:55 I had a dream that ben jorgenson was my boyfriend and we made out A LOT. #
• 10:00 Maybe its a sign that I need to dump henry for a scene kid. One of legal age. If those exist. #
• 11:46 My son is a professional pop-up book demolisher. #
• 11:57 Chooch just pointed to an ad for Girls Next Door and asked in earnest, “I goin’ there?” He’s earning his Man Badge early. #

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• 19:16 This Sunday shaped up to be not so bad after all. A lapdance from a clown could make it even better, but who am I to beg. #
• 12:08 Considering hiring some orphans to clean my house. I’ll pay them with porridge and promises. #
  

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• 14:23 Makes me feel like a kid again. #
• 16:24 The AP lady at my job has the kind of fake sweet voice that makes me think she smokes cigars and eats babies when she leaves here. #
• 17:40 Spent an hour listening to guys talk about apple pie flavored moonshine. WHO WANTS SOME? ME. #
• 17:41 And then tried to explain what kind of music I like. #
• 19:45 Sick again. They should name a medicine after me. #
• 21:18 We accidentally bought a lamp with a touch sensor. Chooch has turned it into a strobe light.
  buy zithromax online buy zithromax generic

  #

• 12:15 I do not have the will nor the patience to be a mother when I’m a sick. No, YOU serve ME, son. Go fetch mommy the bourbon. #

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• 14:04 You know how when you bash someones head with a cinder block, it sounds like cracking a hardboiled egg, but amplified? Yeah, me neither. #
• 14:06 I wonder if henry resents that blake is a billion times more awesome than him. #
• 15:23 We’re here. And it has balloons. #
• 15:39 Blake: all italian ppl do is eat food and listen to accordian music. #
• 17:35 Blake, to me: “you should go to where my mom works. The fries are good.” Yeah, let me just walk right in. #
• 17:39 We are at kings and I’m making janna ask for separate checks bc she’s not a part of this family. #
• 18:01 Janna keeps ogling my slaw and chooch is fisting salted fruit. #
• 21:12 Henry sent me 2 the store 2 get cookie ingredients. Thankfully Janna & Blake came also 2 ensure I didn’t get makings 4 a bomb instead. #
• 22:17 We’re making cookies. Mine are the vagina monlogues while blake and janna focus primarily on STDs. #
• 22:22 “Here 15-year-old, find pictures of STDs.” “OK.” #
• 22:31 Thought Blake said “let’s have a race 4 abstinance” but it was “earl grey is 4 assholes” This was right after he & Janna argued abt HPV. #
• 22:33 I looked at the computer screen and thought, “wow THOSE stds are pretty!” but apparently Blake moved on to looking at gauges 4 his ears. #
• 22:44 Henry just came home, saw batch I made. “I told u these cookies spread!” I said: “oh I didn’t know what that meant” #
• 22:48 NOW WE’RE HAVING A TEA PARTY. Henry just asked “what, are u guys having a big gay tea party?” #
• 23:21 twitpic.com/dlfg – New fall style #
• 23:29 Blake: I’m gonna make this penis bloody as fuck. #
• 23:33 twitpic.com/dlhu – Henrys bleeding ‘gina. #
• 00:00 Janna’s eating anal discharge. #
• 10:58 Its amazing how Saturday can be so awesome and then Sunday has to go and suck dick right from the start. #

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