Whenever I say, “OMG I MISS KOREA” I can promise you that Chooch has probably already said it three times more than me that day already. Don’t get it twisted though – I’m still Korea’s #1 stan up in this Brookline hanok, but Chooch is some kind of homesick for Hanguk.

I think it’s primarily the bibimbap though. He talks about the bibimbap he had during the DMZ tour at least three times a week like it’s his religion.

Since I didn’t have any plans Saturday afternoon, I decided that we should have a family lunch at Nak Won Garden so that Chooch could finally satisfy his bibimcraving. Nak Won is a traditional Korean restaurant and not some fancy/trendy Asian fusion joint,  so eating there kind of sort of feels a little tiny bit like being back in Seoul and my heart actually stung. I just want more than anything to be back there, you have no idea.

I also want to have the confidence to speak in Korean to the woman who owns this place, but I always end up just smiling like a dumb mute and mumbling, “Thank you” in English instead. I am literally the worst.

Chooch is such a bibimbap hipster. He was all, “I mean, it was ok, but it wasn’t nearly as good as that bibimbap I had at the DMZ….” and then he got all dreamy-eyed and caught up in a gochujang flashback.

Afterward, we went to Squirrel Hill to see “Parasite.” I didn’t think Chooch would want to go but then he really didn’t have much choice because we didn’t have time to take him home first.  In the end, he ended up being obsessed with it and watched YouTube videos about it that night.

It was just awesome seeing familiar faces from some of our favorite k-dramas here at home, in the theater. It was SO GOOD. Please go see it and try to avoid spoilers. I don’t see many movies in the theater, so you know it has to be something special.

Afterward,  I suggested continuing the theme of Korea Day by getting some 빵 at Sumi’s Cakery, a Korean bakery down the street from the theater. 

“Is it really Korea Day?” Chooch ask, slurping on his bubble tea.

“I mean, yeah, I declared it,” I shrugged.

“Oh I thought it was like actually Korea’s independence day or something,” Chooch said.

When we came home, Drew and I watched our favorite Korean cat YouTube channel, CreamHeroes. Henry doesn’t like when we watch it because he thinks it encourages my manic cat personality.

Then I followed along on Instragram as Taeyang and Daesung were discharged from the military so now we have 4/5 BIGBANG members back! (Seungri has yet to enlist but he’s retired from the entertainment industry because of the accusations/witchhunt against him but I have hope that his name will eventually be cleared and maybe in time he will be ready to come back and BIGBANG can be five again.)

One of the hashtags was #dope_discharge_congratz because Taeyang is notorious for wishing people a happy birthday by saying “dope birthday congrats” and I just can’t stand it, the most adorable hashtag ever.

And then Henry and I finally finished watching the k-drama “Romance is a Bonus Book” which we started months ago and was SO GOOD but I am terrible at finishing things in a timely manner.

OH! And I did an hour of Kpop cardio. It was an A+ day. Super daebak. Let’s end this with a BIGBANG video because I need for them to come back, you guys. I need it.

I just want to be back there already. Someday, I hope!

When I first started looking at information on Lake Compounce, their “haunted graveyard” was an optional event so if you just wanted to go to the park without doing the haunt, you could. I thought that would be a good way to get Henry to agree to, um, extending our road trip because he is a Halloween Scrooge and just doesn’t enjoy haunted attractions that much (“no one ever tries to scare the old guys!” he whined once, so there’s the truth).

But then on the way there, I went to their website to buy the tickets and that option was gone. Now the tickets were one price, and it included the haunt. Henry grumbled about this because he’s a tightwad who is always trying to save a buck, but….

TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW.

When we got there, there were little day-glo clown vignettes set up here and there and I was like, “Oh wow, I’m so glad we paid extra for this.”

Was this it? The Haunted Graveyard?! It was just a small plot of land dotted with tombstones, and apparently there were several scheduled performances of “Thriller” over there during the course of the night too.

It did make for a really cool photo op, though!

Eventually, we found the area where the actual haunt was. Our tickets said that our time slot was 9:30, and we almost didn’t stay that long because it was SO COLD, but then I was like, “Well, it’s included in our ticket, and it’s not that crowded here, so we might as well just go and check it out.”

HOLY SHIT. Thank god we did, because this ended up being the BEST haunt we went to all season, maybe even the last several seasons. In some little amusement park in Connecticut, no less!

We only had to stand in line for about 15 minutes, where I was harangued by a clown who was obsessed with questioning me about my jacket. Do you know that I have had this jacket since…maybe 1999 or 2000? And this was the first time anyone has ever made Cruella DeVille comments?! And it happened again inside the haunt when someone growled in my ear, “How many dogs do you have?” and I missed the perfect opportunity to say, “I brought two of them here with me.” Then a butcher said he wanted me and mooed, haha.

I’m getting ahead of myself though! The organization of the line outside of the haunt was fantastic – they split everyone into corrals so it kept the line moving faster. There was an older couple in front of us (the guy reminded me of Nicholas Cage and had really dorky commentary throughout) and a larger group of friends behind us so I was originally worried that there were too many of us. The lady at the door of the “church” was like, “Enjoy your 45 minute walk through” and we looked at each other, like, “There is no way we’ll be in there for 45 minuutes” BUT WE WERE and every single second of that time counted. I have to save the details for my haunted house journal but the Haunted Graveyard took us through a myriad of different scenes and themes, and each one was filled with scare actors who gave a shit about their roles.

It was le magnifique, you guys. I was sweating by the time we got out of there, and also, the large group we were paired with was hilarious without being annoying and I loved them.

I asked Henry the other day what his favorite part of the weekend was, and without hesitation he said, “Being there with you” JUST KIDDING he said, “The Haunted Graveyard.” That is really saying something!!

Now, please enjoy some photos of our time at Lake Compounce once the sun went down.

Y’all know we can’t go to a park without a carousel selfie.

We didn’t like Henry’s attempt so we got back on again after it stopped. “Who even re-rides the carousel?” Chooch mumbled.

Us, clearly!

Chooch always takes the best ones so we put him in charge.

But that means we have to take the whole “Chooch’s Carousel Photo Package” which always includes a picture of him patting his horse’s butt and usually a close-up of him forcing himself to have triple-chins.

There were only two downsides to the whole experience at Lake Compounce: it was really cold and I was woefully underdressed (I only let Henry get this close to me because I was that cold) and the s’mores stand, which cost us $12 for two s’mores while a group of morons shuffled around behind the flames, half-assedly toasting marshmallows, running out of Hersheys bars and then leaving their station without telling the customers what was happening, and then serving up s’mores that had no semblance of gooey, melty, campfire goodness. I took one bite out of mine and gave it to Henry. “I’m not wasting calories on this,” I said, and then pouted for a few minutes but I recovered quickly because everything else about the park was so nice and inoffensive.

No line-jumpers!

No weirdos!

No broken down rides!

They even had this county fair food trailer thing that apparently was seen on Stranger Things, Season 3!

The kiddyland area was closed for the season, but it was appropriately clown-themed and I was obsessed.

WTF lol.

DID YOU KNOW that Lake Compounce is the oldest continuously-operated amusement park in the US? Well, now you know, thanks to my blog and my mediocre Wiki-reading skills.

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I love riding the little cars in amusement parks to begin with, but it’s even better during the Halloween season!

I’d like to go back sometime during the summer and see what the park’s like during the day, maybe ride some water rides, but I think we got a pretty good feel for Lake Compounce during our 6 hours there last weekend and I would definitely recommend it, ESPECIALLY if you’re a ho-bag for wooden coasters like myself. Boulder Dash is just really on another level and I would even say it’s worth the price of admission—I think we paid $32/person because we had a $5 off code, but prior to the day we were there, I saw on their website that you could pay $29.99 if you were only going to the park and not attending the haunt, so I’m not sure what their regular season deals are like. Plus, it’s in a general proximity to other parks, like Dorney in Allentown, PA, and Six Flags New England in Massachusetts.

Another unusual thing is that there was no one there that pissed me off. Usually, at every park, there is THAT ONE PERSON that acts a fool in line or makes loud nose-noises or whatever I deem offensive at that point in time. And then naturally I see them 87 more times throughout the course of the day. But I guess Connecticut has OK peeps.

(Except for that Sandy Hook motherfucker. We passed signs for that town on the highway and it made me incredibly sad.)

Goodbye, Lake Compounce!

After we left, we drove for about an hour and stayed at some Super 8 in Danbury, and the hotel itself was actually fine and clean but since Henry is the king of waiting the last minute to book a room, the only thing they had available was a room on the smoking floor and Henry took it, thinking it would be fine, but my whole entire overnight bag still reeks of cigarette and I had to mouth-breathe until I eventually fell asleep because it felt like the pillow was smothering me with smoke.

I really liked the blue walls, though…?

We already had decided to go to Dorney Park in Allentown during the first weekend in November, because it’s included in our Cedar Fair passes, still open for Halloween festivities, plus we were on a quest to get Chooch to 100 coaster credits by the end of the year. This was a pretty easy one to convince Henry of, because Allentown is only about a 4 hour drive.

But you know what’s only another 3 hours away from that?

LAKE COMPOUNCE in Connecticut!

My reasoning was that we were already going to be out “that way” so why not tack on a second park!? Henry was like, “THEY ARE NOT CLOSE TO EACH OTHER AT ALL.” But I just kept nagging and harping and whining and then I had that really Bad Halloween which wasn’t even really that bad but you know me, Queen of Hyperbole.

  Finally Henry declared defeat and so we went to Lake Compounce on Saturday, yay!

I’m a spoiled brat!

The reason I wanted to come here is all because of one roller coaster – Boulder Dash. It always comes up in various lists for the best wooden coasters and everyone knows wooden coasters are my favorites. But then Chooch apparently watched a video about Boulder Dash on his own, so he started to bug Henry about wanting to go here too and Henry was convinced that I put him up to it (I didn’t, but that’s definitely not something that’s beneath me); sorry, Henry, you live with two coaster enthusiasts. You lose.

Anyway, we rolled up to the park about 30 minutes before they opened at 5:00pm and there were only about 20 other people there. This was our first time ever coming to Lake Compounce, so I wasn’t sure what kind of crowds to expect, but as it turned out, it never really got very crowded as the night went on and most rides were a complete walk-on.

Some young guy in line with us had on navy pants imprinted with sail boats. Oh, Connecticut.

Chooch wanted Boulder Dash to be his 100th coaster, so we had to go on two other coasters first.  Phobia was first on the list and we were the very first ride of the day! And we were the only people on it too which was creepy. This coaster was pretty much exactly like Tempesto at Busch Gardens Williamsburg and I forgot how terrifying it is.

Even Henry rode it because I think he’s going through some sort of midlife crisis where he’s trying desperately to be more a part of our lives and less of a bench-sitter? I mean, he even has his dorky safety-strap for his glasses just so he can ride coasters with us, what a team player.

Ugh, the second coaster of the evening was Zoomerang, the park’s Vekoma boomerang. We were also the first people to ride this one, and Chooch and I were the ONLY ONES ON IT which made it all the more terrifying. Henry sat this one out because he knew it was going to be a rough one, and boy was he smart to do so. This piece of shit was so rattly and jerky that I was honestly unsure if we were going to make it around for our return trip to the station.

I posted this on Instagram and my friend Veronica was like, “Girl you know it’s true” and a more perfect comment has never been crafted.

But yeah, there’s a fun fact for you guys! Who knew?!

OK, finally it was time for Chooch to snag that #100 so we ran over to Boulder Dash which was honestly the only ride in the park that had any semblance of a line that we had to stand in. Chooch and I immediately got in line for the back row because back row is the best row, le duh.

This was a bucket list coaster of mine and I couldn’t believe I was getting a chance to ride it! Boulder Dash is famous for being a terrain woodie – the lift hill is flush with mountain. On the way up, you have beautiful views of the actual boulders that dot the terrain, and the rest of the ride is practically a collision-course down and around the side of the mountain. Hence the name Boulder Dash, y’all.

I definitely felt out of control on it, and the train seemingly jumps the track through the entire ride so the danger-factor is there in full force.

This wasn’t my favorite wooden coaster but it’s definitely earned a spot in my heart for being unique and just flat out wicked!

The sun was already starting to set so it was hard to get any pictures of Boulder Dash, but you can see part of the track on the hillside over there.

We rode it 4 times that night – twice in the back, once in row 5, and I think the longest we stood in line was probably 25 minutes when we wanted to sit in the front seat. I always recommend the front row for night rides, because there is really nothing like seeing an expanse of utter darkness whirling past you, totally throwing off your orientation and bearings.

I think the peak ride for me was when Henry and I rode together in the back at night and the climax of Zedd’s “Clarity” was playing in the station when we came back in. I was so pumped!

Also freezing. It was very cold in Bristol, Connecticut on that November night and I needed approximately 4 more pairs of socks and to swap out my cute-yet-thin cow-print jacket with an Alaskan parka.

When Chooch and I were in line for the front, he decided TO TAKE OFF HIS JACKET to prove to me that it wasn’t that cold and I was like “YOU ARE CRAZY AND ALSO EMBARRASSING” because it was fucking knit-hat weather that night, you guys. I was kicking myself for leaving my gloves in the car (Henry said I wouldn’t need them!!) and here’s my weird kid flexing his hot blood in line for a roller coaster. Everyone there was bundled up but then I stupidly pointed out that some kid who was currently in the train waiting to go was only wearing a t-shirt, so that inspired Chooch to ROLL UP THE SLEEVES OF HIS SHIRT SO IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS WEARING A TANK TOP. I can’t with this stubborn kid. I just can’t. He kept his shirt like that during the entire frigid ride in the front seat too.

Anyway, here he is on his 100th coaster! Also, I was too cold to put my arms all the way up. And could Henry look any angrier?

One of the times Chooch and I rode without Henry, there was a young couple in front of us in line and the girl said to the boy, ‘I appreciate you” and then was trying to get him to wear her gloves because she was so concerned that he was too cold. I remembered this last night and was telling Henry about it.

“I was like, ‘WTF is happening right now.’ It was so weird.”

“It’s called LOVE,” Henry spat and then gave me his signature “what is wrong with you” look that, now that I think about it, everyone seems to keep in their back pocket, ready to slap on, when they talk to me.

Chooch thought the left seat of the fifth row was the best for some reason, so he rode there alone while Henry and I waited for the back. I don’t know what he’s doing in this picture – pantomiming putting on exam gloves?

The only other coaster at Lake Compounce is Wildcat, a smaller, family-friendly woodie. It was….OK. Not as rough or painful as I thought it would be, but it also didn’t have us running back in line either.

Henry thinks he’s so cool.

I really liked Phobia a lot, and it was a walk-on every time we rode it (one of the times they let us just stay on). But I think Boulder Dash was just wonderful and it was a solid, classic #100 for Chooch!

Going to amusement parks became so much more fun once Chooch finally came around to the idea of keeping track of his coaster credits. Now it’s like a game, one that even Henry likes to play!

Hey guys, remember that time SWAT woke me up at 6am when they set off a flash bomb in my then-neighbor “Ned”‘s side of the duplex?

Well, here’s an update on him.

I still think his dumb girlfriend framed him!!!!

It’s definitely that point in autumn where winter is thrusting its pelvis on the horizon, because all I want to do is come home from work, put my cozy clothes on, and watch TV.

I had the day off on Monday which wasn’t that awesome because I also had my consultation with the periodontist and if you are a regular reader or like, talk to me in real life, you know that this is the reason I had been struggling to get my most recent X-ray from my former dentist which never happened even though they called me at work on Friday (the audacity!) and basically said it kept bouncing back with a tone that insinuated they felt this was my current dentist’s problem? Like, bro, maybe send a smaller file?

Whatever. I couldn’t stand the back-and-forth anymore so I just gave up and went to my appointment Xray-less.

My appointment wasn’t until 11:30 so I had all morning to pace around my house, wash dishes while staring out the window into a flashback sequence of my days skipping through meadows and splashing in babbling brooks while having healthy gums, wailing at the cats about how I’m dying of gum disease…you know, the usual things that people do before leaving for whatever appointments.

When I arrived, I immediately felt OK with the receptionist. She was normal and didn’t talk down to me like the broad at Former Dentist. I was taken back almost immediately (another thing that never happened at Former Dentist – I used to sit there for over 30 minutes, reading shit magazines) and within minutes of sitting down in the exam chair, the periodontist came in, asked me how I was doing (“Well, I’m here, so….not great” I answered while wringing my hands and he laughed), told me to call him Bob, did an exam and assured me that I was not dying and that he was going to get me all fixed up with another deep cleaning that will be done right this time. He promised me that the condition of my gums isn’t as bad as I thought so I immediately relaxed and WOW was I carrying a lot of tension over this in my shoulders!

Oh! And he took a brand new Xray, free of charge, and told me that he’s had problems in the past getting Xrays from FORMER DENTIST and I thought this was interesting because she rudely recommended other periodontists when she found out I was going to him. THERE IS SOME OF KIND OF DENTAL DRAMA GOING ON THERE.

So that part of my day off ended up being OK but now I have to wait for them to talk to my insurance or whatever behind-the-scenes bullshit happens before I can get anything scheduled so now I’m back to panicking again and dreading what’s to come because I’ve had one deep-cleaning already and it was AWFUL. However, it was a hygienist that did it and not to knock her because she was actually the only good thing about visits to Former Dentist, but I feel like having an actual gum specialist doing it this time has got to be better right? RIGHT?

Anyway, back at home, I was now doubled over in pain with cramps which I hardly ever get but that’s how you can tell that I was genuinely super-stressed out that day because wow, did it exacerbate it. So I laid on the couch and started watching last season of the Walking Dead, because I stopped at the first episode last year because my cable is dumb and was like, “Sorry, you have to pay to watch these episodes On Demand even though AMC is included in your cable package” but now the whole season is on Netflix so fuck off, Comcast.

Goddamn, I’m really glad that I didn’t fully give up TWD like I kept threatening because I fucking love Season 9! I’m almost done with it (how you know I’m ready to hibernate – I start binge-watching things) and now Henry is craning his neck and trying to see what’s going on while he’s sitting at his work bench (a/k/a the dining room table) making greeting cards, which is hilarious because he stopped watching this show way back in season 4, I think. But now it’s all, “Who’s that, where’s Rick, look out.”

I had been craving a viewing of Bram Stoker’s Dracula ever since we were at Cedar Point in September and that score was playing at one point during their Halloween event and I felt SO NOSTALGIC. I kept telling Chooch that he should watch it, that he love it, it’s so good, Winona Ryder’s in it, etc etc. He made it approximately 30-45 minutes into it because declaring, “This is boring” and peacing out. I was so offended, like I was Francis Ford Coppola himself. Or Bram Stoker.

When this movie came out, I was the same age as Chooch and I loved IT SO MUCH. I still have the soundtrack! Annie Lennox’s “Love Song For a Vampire” still gets me all choked up! I know this because I made Henry keep the movie on for the duration of the ending credits so I could hear it and see if it still made me cry. YEP. YEP IT DOES.

I thought Gary Oldman was THE GODDAMN SHIT because of that movie.

What else.

Oh! Super M collaborated with Korean Air and made a new safety video for them and now I am desperate to go back to Korea because we used Korean Air both times and loved it but now it’s clearly even better!!

That plane!! Ugh I miss Korea. I really hope I get the opportunity to go back again. ON THAT PRETTY BOY PLANE.

I’m also still kind of tired from the weekend, what with the time change, and also because we drove like 7 hours to go to Lake Compounce in Connecticut and then Dorney Park on the way home on Sunday, and this is how I can tell I’m no spring chicken anymore, because I was all whip-lashed and after that and still feel drowsy just thinking about it.

It’s fun doing these road trips with Henry and Chooch though. Henry actually slipped the other day and said that he likes going places with us so I quickly started firing off suggestions for other places we can do and he was like THAT WAS NOT AN INVITATION TO PLAN MORE TRIPS.

Don’t worry – I haven’t stopped fighting for Silver Dollar City. I am determined to get there during Thanksgiving!

I made popcorn earlier and burnt it so bad that giant tufts of smoke came billowing out of the microwave when I opened the door, and Henry started bitching about the stench as soon as he walked through the front door when returning from The Store.

(Honestly, how often do housewives go to The Store? Because this motherfucker goes like every other day! Shouldn’t he just spend the week clipping coupons and then getting everything in one fell swoop during one trip?! How does it work?! I have no idea! I used to get my groceries at the gas station down the street before Henry moved in with me!)

Nothing that exciting has happened this week aside from the news that my teeth aren’t going to fall out. Work has been quiet. The trolley commute has been uneventful. Today on my lunch break walk, I briefly thought a baby tree was a dead lumberjack being held up by a stick and I screamed a little while on the phone with Henry and he was like, “…………???????????????” so I sent him a picture of the tree and then he was like, “??????????????????????????????????????????????????”

Look, my eyes are very strange, OK.

When I came home today, I happened to glance at Instagram and saw that one of the girls from KpopX – Rachel – passed away and I am really sad about it even though I didn’t know her personally. She was in all the old KpopX workouts back from 2015/2016 when I first started following their YouTube channel, and she was my favorite instructor. She was so pretty and seemed like she had a great personality. A few years ago, the leader of KpopX posted on Facebook that Rachel had leukemia, and she stopped showing up in new videos. I’m really sad but I am glad she isn’t suffering anymore. :(

This was one of my favorite routines that she’s in. She’s the one with long hair and bangs (in the video’s thumbnail, she’s the one in the middle):

And now it’s after 11PM and I wish to go to bed, so goodbye.

What’s a road trip without a stop at some obscure, dilapidated roadside attraction? We had about an hour to kill on Saturday because Lake Compounce didn’t open until 5 pm, so I convinced Henry to finally take me to Holy Land USA in nearby Waterbury, Connecticut. And by “finally,” I mean that I suggested we stop there once in 2013 when we were on our way home from visiting our friend Alyson in New Hampshire and he said “N-O.”

But you know me and odd religious things. Gotta see ’em all!

(Ex: Ultraviolet Apocalypse; Giant Mary, Museum of Religious Statues; Troy Hill Relics.)

Chooch, who had his headphones on for 99% of the trip, was like, “The fuck are we?” when we rolled to a stop at the crest of a hill in what appeared to be a Mexican part of town (I kept begging Henry to stop at one of the Mexican markets so we could get candy but he was like NOT TODAY so I guess the next time we’re driving through Connecticut? Henry has no jams.

I guess this place was built in the 50s and was meant to be an actual, booming religious theme park. Were there going to be rides though? How can you have a theme park without rides? I wish this place had taken off because I could have sold them my plans for the Crucifixion-themed restaurant I’ve wanted to open for like 20 years now – The Rusty Nail. (Side of Pontius pilaf anyone?)

Up until 2013, the land was possessively presided over by a group of nuns called the Religious Sisters of Filippi Greco who got all nuts anytime they were approached by people who wanted to restore it, but apparently they could be bought for $350,000, which is what some car dealer and the mayor offered them on June 20, 2013. So I guess now those goons own the place and so far, all they have managed to do was replace the cross with a new and larger lighted cross, and I guess they cleared away some of the weeds or whatever.

I found this picture when scouring the Internet for more information on what this place was like in its heyday and I found this picture:

I 100% would NOT recommend crawling inside any of the structures that are still standing at Holy Land. Chooch made me look inside one of the windows and I had so much trepidation, expecting to see the jaw of a cat and Satanic symbols in dried blood, but there was nothing – just dirt and cobwebs.

Thank god.

Although I can’t rule out that there weren’t any demonic spirits swirling about. That’s where I would loaf if I was Satan’s relative.

The whole area was so scraggly and ugly. Someone’s comment on Roadside America said to check for ticks before getting back into the car so then I began obsessing about ticks and Chooch was like, “We’re wearing pants and long-sleeves, and it’s November. I think we will be fine.”

Thank god Henry wasn’t there when I was spiraling-out about ticks (he walked a different direction than us, and then went back to the car to look at Reddit probably) or else I would have received sedation in the form of a Hencyclopedia diatribe about ticks.

The view of Waterbury from the summit of Holy Land, USA.

Chooch slipped on a rock and almost slid down a hill by the cross and then denied it when I was standing right there and saw it happen with my own two eyes, and then wondered why I was all, “NO WAY, MISTER NIMBLE” when he wanted to scale some treacherous pile of rocks a few minutes later, so I kept imitating him slipping on the rock and it’s a wonder I haven’t won any awards yet for excelsior parenting.

I looked inside the Tower of Babel, expecting to see the remains of a Devil’s Night sacrifice, but all I saw was an empty water bottle.

NOT EVEN ONE BEER CAN!

Rando key.

Several other people showed up while we there, with the intent of casually poking around just like us, so Henry was less concerned about trespassing at that point. He is a big follower of warning signs. Like, if I ever wanted to just completely shut myself off to him, a strategically-placed “no trespassing” sign would easily get the job done.

THAT IS ALL I’M SAYING.

We walked back to the car, where Henry was casually leaning against the hood, scrolling on his phone like a teenager, when Chooch decided he needed to go geocaching and then got tangled in the bare branches of a tree and fell on another rock, so that was cool. If anyone came back with ticks, it was that careless dumbass.

I mean, Holy Land USA was a cool place to stretch our legs, but unless you’re a HARDCORE Roadside America app user and obsessed with marking sights as BEEN THERE, then I wouldn’t necessarily recommend going too far out of your way to visit this run-down plot of ruins.

Wow hey hello ok—let’s try something new here. It’s 6:07am and we just left the house for Connecticut and normally I would have the unbridled desire to live blog but I am also behind in recapping my totally not-that-exciting life so I thought, hey, let’s just combine the two. Henry’s being an angry mute right now and Chooch has his headphones on so chances are I won’t have much to live blog about anyway so let’s just jump right into last weekend’s roundup.

On Saturday, I met up with Jiyong and gave her some cookies from our G-Dragon Military Discharge Event at work and she was like O-M-G and immediately took a picture of them. I mean come one they were pretty spectacular!

We talked about nicknames at this language session. She has a great nickname (JangJong) but mine is just either ERINKELLY (ugh) or EK (this one is OK).

We have been meeting at this one Panera lately because it’s the most study-friendly but I think I am going to have to suggest a new place soon because their staff is just not great and the process of getting a coffee drink is tedious now that they hired this older woman who has no clue what’s going and talks loudly about the eye surgery she just had.

While I was with Jiyong, Chooch was at home spectating the local Halloween parade and conning candy off the shopowners.

When I got home, he started rapidly talking about his favorite part of the parade. “The dad was Hopper, the mom was Joyce, the daughter was Eleven, AND THE DOG WAS A DEMOGORGON. IT WAS SO CUTE AND I DIDNT TAKE A PICTURE BC IM DUMB.”

He’s distressed about this.

LIVEBLOG: we just left the Holy Sheetz at 6:50am and I’m now properly roadtrip breakfasted. Also, Sheryl Crow is a person I never really cared for.

I’m trying to stop saying “hate” with so much wanton abandon because I have realized over the last three years that there is really only person I actually hate in the whole wide world and that would be Donald Trump (not my President) so I should really reserve that word for just when I’m talking about him.

Speaking of not saying hate…

After my meetup with Jiyong, Henry, Chooch and I went to the Sewickley Haunted Church which has become our tradition over the last 5 years now I think? We just really like it: it’s cheap ($8), fun, and actually kind of scary too but the kind of scary that makes you crack up afterward.

It’s always interesting to see how they’re going to handle the line-formation, because it seems to change every year. This year, they had a giant U-shaped line of chairs set up, with three large tables in the back of the room. When we arrived, all the chairs were filled so the line coordinator (?) placed us at a table with another family. Then, as more groups were being let into the haunt and seats were freed up, we were moved into the chair queue. It was bizarre but perfect for anyone who hates standing in line, except that 75% of the people there could not grasp the concept of moving down as chairs were freed up. IG was hilarious but Henry was so aggravated about it. There was some vampire lady who was attempting to maintain order but she had her back turned when new people walked into the room, breezed right past the other line coordinator and took four empty seats near the entrance to the haunt?!?!?! All because a bunch of morons didn’t move the fuck down!! I was so mad about it but honestly we only waited for like 20 minutes anyway so whatever.

As usual, we had a good time and keeping with the theme of being behind on blogging, I am woefully tardy with my haunted house journaling today. It’s pathetic how much hand-writing cramps my hands these days!

LIVEBLOG: Henry just flipped out because GPS said we had 8 hours and 57 minutes until our arrival but I said, “I looked it up like a million times and I swear it’s only like 6ish hours away” so then he realized he had selected “no toll route” – 6 hours and 18 minutes to go!

The next morning we woke up early and drove to Sandusky, OH because I had the brilliant idea that we should go for the last season so that Chooch could try to get Maverick as his 100th coaster. I kept checking the forecast and it said it was windy so I did research and it was like “here are rides that usually close in these conditions” so I was prepared for some shit to not be running that day except that we got there, waiting for early entry, were let in with the general riffraff because the staff wasn’t even looking at passes and people were literally squeezing around the barricades like goddamn escaped circus animals, so that was great but ended up being a moot point because nothing was running for early entry, and then 90% of the coasters weren’t running all day, so…

Someone on Twitter was like “what’s open for early entry?” and someone replied “the gates.” Accurate!

I know CP can’t control weather but their public relations is pretty shitty and they were giving no updates as the day went on. I put a moratorium on it after about two hours, when only a handful of flat rides and Wicked Twister were running, and some jerk ride op watched Chooch and I standing in line for the kid coaster for like 15 minutes and waited until we were next in line to be like SORRY U NEED A KID TO RIDE and we were like WOW ET TU, KID COASTER?! Everything was letting us down! The dumb candy store didn’t even have the good sugar cookies.

Thankfully, we didn’t have to pay to be there so we decided to just leave and make the most of the otherwise decent day. I mean, it wasn’t raining or anything and once the sun came out, it was a really lovely day to drive around and enjoy the fall foliage assuming that we are the type of the family to do such a thing.

We stopped in some little Ohio town (Vermillion) to eat lunch and of course everything we found on Yelp ended up being closed because all humans but us fast on Sundays, but then we spotted this place called Old Prague Inn that looked visually pleasing to me because I love old world European bullshit. The menu outside said that had:

LECZO

They had veggie burgers – not great ones, but the kind you expect from a small town diner, and I was just grateful they had the option at all because all the other places I found didn’t even have grilled cheese without meat and yes I’m aware I could have ordered it sans meat but the point is that I was angry and you can’t reason with a hot head.

Also when things like this happen and I fly off the handle, I realize that wow I must really be bottling a lot of shit in during the week when I’m busy being “Professional Erin.”

We had a really good waitress, and the joint had one of those fancy jukeboxes that can play almost anything and it had free credits on it so Chooch was tripping over himself to get to it before any of the other patrons…none of which showed any signs of interest in requesting songs.

I was a little nervous, wondering what he was up there so thoughtful requesting, because you never know what weird shit 13-year-olds listen to on their own time when their moms aren’t funneling Kpop down their ear-pipes.

As he slid into the booth, the opening notes of Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time” filled the diner and he looked so pleased.

“Is this what he requested?!” I asked, and he smugly nodded. So random. The next song was “Come On Aileen” which he also requested because he’s obsessed with it now thanks to “Perks…”

The we gorged on strawberry shortcake and caramel apple pie and it was soooo satisfying and completely turned the day around.

Thank you, Oh Boy. I don’t really understand your secret Oh Boy sauce, but everything else really had it going on. I would be a regular if we lived in whatever town that was.

You guys. PAPRIKASH. I guess we were in a big Czech-populated area of Ohio?! I have never seen the word “PAPRIKASH” so much in my life!

LIVEBLOG: It’s 7:40 and we just passed a billboard for Penn’s Cave. I blurted out, “Are we ever going to go there?!” because it’s tradition for me to ask and tradition for Henry to murmur, “I don’t know” before going back to contemplating how to get out of the next road trip.

Creepy vending machine broad.

We stopped at approximately 27 rest areas on the way home and at every single one, Chooch was panhandling for quarters.

“I told you I don’t have any! Do you think they just generate in my pockets?!” Henry cried and then we had a sidebar conference with the sole agenda of: When Will Our Child Outgrow Claw Machines.

Somehow, Henry’s pants did generate quarters though because at one of the stops, he was like, “Actually…” and that’s how Chooch ended up with three bouncy balls which he hurled against the wall while we waited for Henry to go to the bathroom. He was doing it so aggressively though like he was playing racquetball and passersby were glaring at me for not being a better parent but sorry, that’s because I was in the process of stalking some guy who looked like if our Castle Blood friend Ricky was a big Willie Nelson fan.

“Ok let’s go,” Henry said, back from the bathroom.

“We can’t. Mom’s waiting for some guy,” Chooch said, slamming the bouncy ball off the wall.

“What guy?” Henry questioned, but by then I was too giddy to respond in anything more than Bobcat Goldthwait barks so Henry just sighed and attempted to steal the bouncy ball from Chooch he was actually starting to get sweaty that’s how hard he was playing with this dumb toy.

Yeah Boy!

Then we went to another rest area and he was there too!

On the way out of that one, we were walking through the parking lot when I heard someone cheerful call out, “ERINKELLY!!” Now look, only people from a certain era of my current job call me this, because it stems from when there were two Erins and an Aaron in the office. Some people from that time still work there so it’s inevitable that I still get called that, but there were other people from that time that weren’t so great and I still twitch at times when I’m called “ERINKELLY” because I can hear those other people saying it in their condescending tones and it always reminded me of “Cinderelly Cinderelly!” If that makes sense.

So I got kind of tense, wondering who it was that was calling me ERINKELLY in the middle of a rest stop parking lot in Ohio, but it ended up just being my friend Mary! She used to work in our department but moved to a different department several years ago (Jesus, actually about 7 years now I think?!). Anyway, it was a pleasant surprise! That Sunday had really shaped up to be something good.

Oh, and apparently none of the coasters started to run at Cedar Point until around 4 or 5. What a terrible way for them to end the season. :( I only found that out from irate tweets from people who were there. The official Cedar Park socials were too busy announcing various sales at the gift shops.

I think that about wraps up last weekend so now we can just focus on RIGHT NOW oh boy!

8:27am: Let it be known that I just offered to drive for an hour and Henry stoically waved me off like I just suggested that I join him on the battlefield but that is no place for a woman.

I got coffee at Sheetz (second Sheetz of the day) and usually I tolerate it but it’s not great; however, this cup of coffee tastes super reminiscent to Mister Donut so I began lamenting the fact that they all turned into Donut Connection and now I don’t even think they’re around anymore?! I hated Donut Connection because it was so modern (well, for the 90s) and one of the best parts of Mister Donut was that old, 1950s orange dinette feel it had plus it reminded me of my Pappap.

One time in high school, Psycho Mike took me to Donut Connection for Valentine’s Day. He had a coupon for a free coffee and donut which he used for himself and I had to buy my own, so that was really cool.

11:40am: Guys you’ll never believe it – Henry actually let me drive for 2 hours. I kept offering and he would say NO like a big whiny bitchboy because that way he can complain later on about how I never drive. Anyway, he slept for the first hour and it was glorious because I got to fly along like I used to in my youthful days when I wasn’t dating a professional driver who refuses to be a passenger. Then he woke up and was all OMG SLOW DOWN THE SPEED LIMIT IS 55 YOU ARE DOING 80 GOOD LORD THIS IS A DOUBLE FINE ZONE DO U KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS THE FINE WILL BE $1000 AND YOU WILL PROBABLY GET ALL OF THE POINTS ON YOUR LICENSE!

God, go soak your hemorrhoids, Hank.

Anyway, I just pulled over at an Exxon somewhere past the Promised Land which I thought was going to be a BibliCOOL theme park but it’s just a regular state park I guess. Henry used the unisex bathroom before me and left the seat up so that was cool. When I yelled at him he was like, “It was already up!”

“well you could have put it down when you were done!” I screeched.

And he said, “I wasn’t touching that thing.”

Wow, so leave it for me. Awesome. Maybe next he can procure himself some donuts and eat them in front of me, too.

OMG henry is trying to explain exit numbers to me and I kept saying OK COOL I GET IT COOL but he just kept talking and it’s hard to believe sometimes that he doesn’t teach drivers ed at the community college.

We’re in some town called Port Jervis which is apparently entirely under construction and Henry almost hit a kid on a scooter and then pulled out into oncoming traffic so I was like WOW MAYBE I SHOULD GO BACK TO DRIVING but Chooch said he was more scared when I was driving bc I kept asking what the speed limit was and still did 90.

12:02pm: At this place for lunch and STEELY DAN is playing. Also, Henry dropped his phone on the waitress’s foot.

Chooch just sent our friend Alyson a message to see if she wants to meet us at Lake Compounce tonight because it’s like 2 hours from her. She recently posted on Instagram that she ate a cinnamon roll so he said, “She just ate a cinnamon roll so she should be good to drive.” OK, Chooch.

STAHP. This place actually had a really delicious veggie burger and PURPLE SLAW and now America’s You Can Do Magic is on and I’m in love with this town. Also, bathroom decor on point:

I’m fairly certain our waitress hated us. I tried to compliment the place on their hearty veggie burger (lol) and she was like NO when I asked if it was made there, and then THANKS when I said it was really good.

I could have eaten it plain without a bun or anything.

Our Meanyburger visiting his home.

Of course Arlene & Tom’s has a babbling brook behind their restaurant.

1:48pm: The town of Newburgh, NY is really under Henry’s skin. He saw a CASH ONLY sign for the toll road and panicked that it won’t take EZ pass so he detoured through this town to use an ATM and people here could definitely stand to enroll in Henry’s driving school, also we’re back on the highway and there’s a big MUST HAVE EZ PASS sign so Henry is ready to explode. Lol.

But look how pretty!

Also:

Lol.

2:47pm People are passing us on both sides because Henry is driving below the speed limit. He is the worst.

3:18pm: After a million years, Henry finally brought me to the Holy Land, which is this dilapidated religious “theme park” from the 50s on a hillside of Waterbury, Connecticut.

I’ll do a separate photo dump of this another day. Right now we’re sitting in the car at the gate of it while Henry looks for a hotel and Chooch is crying because he can’t find a stupid geocache and also because he slipped on a rock but is denying it.

Well, I guess I will hit PUBLISH on this piece of shit blog post because we’re almost to Lake Compounce!

Per tradition, I used my floating holiday for Halloween (I always request it off at the beginning of the year, as though I’m actually racing anyone for that day) and I was prepared to just stew in my general creepiness, watch some horror flicks, maybe design some new cards. But then all kinds of annoying things happened right away, setting the tone, and then my day just stayed shitty and annoying to the point where I declared in front of witnesses (actual people, and not just the cats for once) that I was done celebrating Halloween. Let’s recap in bullets because I’m still too annoyed to even bother paragraphing.

• For the first time EVER, I didn’t have any last-minute costumer alterations to perform on Chooch, which was a miracle. He created his costume all on his own, with a tiny bit of help from Henry (only when it came to measurements).  But then that night I was laying in bed and in true Erin fashion, I had a last minute idea that would add a bit of SNAZZ AND PIZZAZZ to the costume. “Don’t we have a spare doorknob somewhere?” I asked a slumbering Henry. “I know I’ve seen a spare doorknob…” and then I found it because our house might be a dumpster of chaos, but there’s a system to the madness. “Before you go to work, can you attach this doorknob to the left side of his costume?” and Henry mumbled and snorted, so I was like, “Cool, goodnight.” And he actually heard my commands because the next morning, we found the costume with the doorknob added to it, but IT WAS ON  THE RIGHT SIDE NOT THE LEFT and have you not learned a thing about me? I am a Halloween pageant mom. This sent me OVER THE EDGE to the point where I considered complementing Chooch’s costume by going as Jack Nicholson’s character from One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest. THIS WILL MAKE SENSE LATER. Anyway I blew up Henry’s phone with texts calling him a moron and worthless and Chooch was like, “This is fine though, no one will notice” and then he left for school before I had a chance to burn down the house with my psychic rage.
• Then, at 8am I called my dentist’s office to see if I could swing by and grab the copy of the Xray that my old dentist was supposed to send to them BUT OH GUESS WHAT THEY DIDN’T HAVE IT. They were like, “Hmm it doesn’t seem like they sent it, can you call them and double check?” and like, NO but I guess I WILL because I HAVE TO. I called the old dentist and got their answering machine, so I waited an hour and called again and still got the answering machine so I assumed that they were closed and left them a borderline irate message about how it’s been two weeks and my new dentist doesn’t have the records they were supposed to send and I NEED IT FOR AN UPCOMING APPOINTMENT ON MONDAY GRRRR. Anyway, they called later that day while I was exercising and I don’t stop exercising for phone calls, sorry. So their rude ass receptionist left a smarmy message saying that they emailed the xray to my new dentist on OCT 15 and that I would have to call and check with them again so I called the new dentist and the receptionist even checked her spam folder but it wasn’t there!
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  She was so nice and apologetic and I was like “Look, it’s not your fault those other people are making this is chore” so she verified their email address and told me to tell them to email it again which meant I had to have another shitty conversation with Lady Snark and she was like, “HOLD ON” and literally put me on hold before I had a chance to give her the email  address and when she came back, she said, “YES WE SENT THESE ON OCTOBER 15 TO THAT SAME ADDRESS BUT I GUESS I WILL DO IT AGAIN” and my god, I hate that place so much. By this time it was 4pm and I just didn’t care anymore. I had no ounce of fucks left in me to call my new dentist back to see if they got it.

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  I just couldn’t. (UPDATE: Old dentist called me AT WORK this morning and said that when they resent the xray it was bounced back to them and it’s the correct email address so maybe they’re just idiots who are trying to send a too-big file!?!?!? Of course, the new dentist is closed today.)

• The mail came. I was excited because a pin order I placed over the weekend was delivered! I bought a Regan/Exorcist pin and these cool Redrum shoelace charms which took me forever to put on my shoes and then I realized that I HAD ORDERED THE BLACK NICKEL VERSION AND THEY SENT ME THE NICKEL NICKEL VERSION!!!!!

• Also in the mail was a 15-page court document because my grandma’s estate is being sued and of course my name, along with my brothers’ name, are all over that shit, so I had heart palpitations and the Pukes after that.
• Then, Janna texted me and said she was in the area and wanted to stop by and get the cookie dough etc that she purchased from Chooch’s dumb school fundraiser. Henry asked Haley if she would keep it in her freezer because we didn’t have room in ours, so Chooch went over to get it. When he came back, he said, “Oh and heads up, Blake didn’t know this was Janna’s and ate a piece of the cheesecake but don’t worry because he put some cookies in there to make up for it” and this would have been another Seinfeld-esque episode in our lives where, hahahaha, something dumb happened to Janna, EXCEPT THAT THE CHEESECAKE WAS FOR JANNA’S FRIEND SO I FUCKING LOST MY SHIT because how goddamn embarrassing! JANNA’S NAME WAS WRITTEN ON ALL OF THE BOXES SO I AM LOST AS TO WHY BLAKE THOUGHT IT WAS OK TO HELP HIMSELF. Then Janna arrived in the middle of WWIII, just dropped right on into our Den of Domestic Hostility from a helicopter rope, right as I was declaring that I was DONE CELEBRATING HALLOWEEN.

Honestly! The last several Halloweens have been so dumb! I QUIT! I stan Arbor Day now!

The one constant positive of the day is that the Halloween franchise was playing on TV all day throughout all of my stressful dentist phone tags, bad mail, and verbal evisceration of Blake. I did also make some new cards for non compos, so it wasn’t a total wasted day.

****

Meanwhile, the weather was shitty and rainy all day, which was apropos since Chooch was once again going to be swathed in cardboard, but I tried not to fixate on that too much. I was just really happy that at least I didn’t have to do any last minute bullshit with his costume. I just threw some gray eyeshadow on his face to give him the appearance of facial hair, armed him with an emergency poncho, and then let him go off with his pals.

Apparently, one of their teachers told them they’re too old to trick-or-treat and that made me mad. I feel like if a school-aged (including high school) kid wants to put on a costume and have some fun that doesn’t involve drugs and vandalism, then I will gladly give them candy if they come to my house. MAYBE EVEN TWO PIECES. Kids don’t get to be kids for as long as we did, so let them have this night for god’s sake.

Chooch has a really strong grasp on “crazed.”

Honestly, this was the only great thing of the whole day, seeing Chooch bask in the fact that he made his own costume. And you guys, the rain held off!

But back at the Murder House, I had decided that I was still in too bad of a mood to deal with kids, even though I did run to CVS earlier to buy my midnight hour collection of picked over candy. We live on a main drag in our neighborhood so even in good weather, we only get about 20 kids. It’s depressing, really.

So I employed Trudy’s help in passing out candy:

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Anyway, I called it – 4 trick-or-treaters. And they were all one family, so literally just the one opportunity for Trudy to shine. And she succeeded in making the little girl in the group cry. I was hiding behind the door, because that was the whole point – slowly open the door from the inside and let them take their own candy from Trudy’s basket. So I had to fling the door all the way open and yell, “WAS IT TOO SCARY?! I’M SO SORRY!” while Henry was in the background mouthing off his catchphrase: “Good one, Erin.”

The parents swore that it was OK and the dad was fucking loving it. He actually was telling me ways to make it even scarier. “You should put a hand in the basket so it grabs people” and then he was trying to see everything else in my house (I mean, to his credit, there is a lot to take in) but I was like, “OK bye now.”

And then Henry and I sat in the dark, with horror movie scores blasting from a Bluetooth speaker, for two hours. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. BUT NO ONE ELSE CAME. I kept peeking through the curtains, pacing up and down the sidewalk, flicking the porch light off and on to draw attention, but our block was mostly deserted all night.

A few kids appeared here and there, but they would only go as far as the halfway house up the street, then turn around and go back.

Does my house have a reputation?! REALLY, KIDS WILL GO TO THE HALFWAY HOUSE BUT NOT 3021?!

Two older-teenaged girls, not in costume, walked by at one point and I tried to get Henry to call them over.

“Yeah, a 55-year-old man, yelling ‘Come here!’ to underaged girls. That’s a good way to get the cops here,” Henry said around a frown.

“Well…maybe the cops want candy,” I started to suggest, but then I quickly laughed that idea off because HAHAHAHA I HATE COPS AND WOULD NEVER GIVE THEM CANDY.

By the end of the night, I had finally calmed down a bit. I did some relaxing pilates and then watched The Blackcoat’s Daughter which was a bad idea to watch right before bed, but…Halloween.

*******

Earlier today, on the phone with Henry: “We should let Chooch have a Halloween party next year,” I suggested.

“I thought you weren’t celebrating Halloween anymore?” Henry said snidely. Ugh, I hate when he actually listens to me.

I think that King’s Dominion really flies under the radar with the general public. Its coaster lineup is definitely worth the trip no matter where you live, and we had no qualms about driving 7 hours to stuff our asses on rides like Dominator, Intimidator 305, and Twisted Timbers.

Let’s talk about Twisted Timbers first, because this was my most anticipated ride and the first one we ran (fast-walked – running is against park laws at King’s Dominion!) to on our first day. You might know by now that I am an RMC fan girl through and through and it JUST SO HAPPENS that this is an RMC! Originally, the park had a wooden coaster called The Hurler, which was themed to Wayne’s World back when Paramount owned the park. I never rode this (this was my first time here), but from what I heard, it was painful, rough, and just all-around not great.

Then Cedar Fair decided to give it the RMC treatment, which means that they hired Rocky Mountain Construction, now notorious for refabbing pieces of shit woodies and turning them into mind-bending works or engineering wonders, to come in and re-track the damn thing, converting it to steel and adding in elements that are just inexplicable, even after you’ve experienced it for yourself.

The theming on this was meant to insinuate that something had fallen from the sky, like a meteor, into the middle of an apple orchard, which was like, strange. But I appreciated that the queue had some shit in it and wasn’t just like a slab of asphalt (that was my only gripe about Kentucky Kingdom – their coaster collection is INSANE but they have absolutely no theming and the park just isn’t very attractive). We had to wait about 30 minutes for our inaugural ride, so it wasn’t utterly bad, considering this is still a pretty new ride for the park.

My initial review was, “……OK. That was….good.” This is my 4th RMC and the other three are real forces to be recognized with: Storm Chaser, Lightning Rod, and Steel Vengeance. I think Steel Vengeance (Steve<3) is my #1 but I only got to ride it twice. Lightning Rod is definitely my #2 but could go back to #1 RMC for me at some point, we’ll see how much Cedar Point fucks us next season. And Storm Chaser is #3 because it is just sheer insanity, so forceful, actually scary.

If I hadn’t already ridden those three, I think I would have been way more impressed with Twisted Timbers.

But, this was only my first ride, and we would go back the next day and revisit it.

But first….

Intimidator 305!

OK, I shouldn’t like this ride because it’s themed after some Nascar dummy, but I like the Steel Curtain and that’s so fucking Steelers-themed that the only way it could be even more Steelers-related would be if the track was modeled after Ben Roethlisberger’s intestines.

God I hate football so much.

Anyway, this beast is a hyper, which means is stands at over 300 feet. I daresay, I liked it much better than Millennium Force and after riding it, I now get why the enthusiasts call Millie “Millennium Forceless” – Intimidator is so much crazier and I had such wicked greyouts each time I rode it that I was actually concerned I might pass all the way out, lol.

(We were telling Janna about this the following weekend and she was like, “IS THAT GOOD?!” Lol, what a n00b.)

I started referring this bad boy as “Daddy” for the rest of the weekend and it made Henry uncomfortable I think, but possibly less so once he realized that I wasn’t calling him Daddy.

Because, um, that would not be something I would do. Ever.

This kid was literally one of the slowest ride operators I have ever watched. This picture is from day 2, but he was also there the night before, when Chooch and I made a very poor life choice by deciding to get into the line for the front row, which has its own queue and I don’t really get it because the back seat is by far the best, however – we wanted that dramatic front-row night ride.

And that is how we ended up standing in line for 90 minutes (maybe 2 hours??) for a ride that only had a 30 minute standby time for every other row. The line didn’t look that long, OK? And it probably wouldn’t have been so bad if ride ops weren’t slower than Trump’s reading comprehension skills and we weren’t behind a quad of ultra-annoying boys who I would guess to be 9th graders

The people behind us were like, “THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA WHY DID WE GET IN THIS LINE” but honestly, at the time, it seemed like it would be OK because the main line was moving so quickly and the line for the front seemingly only had about 50 people in it and they were running two trains…

But goddamn it was so slow. I would place a large portion of the blame on the riders though because it was insane how many people just don’t follow directions. “Oh, there aren’t any bins here in the station? OK well, I’ll just hand all of my shit to the ride attendant – OMG the ride attendant won’t take my personal belonging and claim responsibility for them? ARE YOU KIDDING?”

Yeah seriously. So then all the restraints have to be unlocked because of one dumbass who has to now try and stuff all his shit in a pocket or whatever, and then all of the restraints have to be RECHECKED by two employees who do not believe in living a fast-paced life and are clearly mistaking this ride platform for a Louisiana bayou on a hot summer day. They were professional meanderers.

Chooch was so angry and kept saying, “Let’s just slip under the railing and get back in the regular line” but I wouldn’t budge. We had already wasted enough time in our quest for the front row and BY GOLLY I was going to slam my fat ass in that seat and enjoy the sensation of the wind drying out my contacts.

And it was worth every goddamn second we stood in line. There is nothing better than a motherfucking night ride on a roller coaster, especially one as threatening and, well, intimidating as Daddy. This ride is EVERYTHING.

Meanwhile, Henry wasn’t even concerned that we had been engulfed in the bowels of a passenger queue for nearly 2 hours and was just like, “Eh, I figured you chose the front row,” and shrugged it off. He was probably just happy to sit on a bench and read Reddit threads about wives being caught cheating on their husbands in Costco parking lots.

DADDY!!!!!

We rode it several more times the next day and I honestly cannot say enough good things about this ride. In fact, Henry made it onto an earlier train than us, and actually got back in line to ride it again afterward! And when he realized that he would be able to snag the second row right behind us, he actually RAN to claim his spot.

This is a first. Henry NEVER runs. Especially not at amusement parks! I think we’re like actually becoming a real family now or something. All of this bonding we’ve been doing has practically turned us into the Waltons.

(They were wholesome, right?)

Stupid Nascar shit.

Anaconda was pretty forgettable but I thought the ride itself was really striking. The colors were so vibrant and I liked that it was basically hovering over top of some weird swamp area.

Look at it!

We only rode this once, but the thing that sticks out the most to me is that we had a super annoying family in line behind us who let their kids do gymnastics on the railings and that the guy in the queue next to us had really cool Nikes that looked like the 1980s in shoe form so when we got off the ride, Chooch worked up the nerve to approach him and ask him what style they were and the guy had to actually look at the bottom of his shoe to answer him and now I already forget what they are but they started with a P I think in case you’re really like, “OH NO DON’T LEAVE US HANGING OVER THESE MYSTERY SHOES.”

Racer75 was MY SHIT. After riding the Racer at King’s Island, I had very low expectations for this one, but it was an airtime machine! It was so much fun, and we rode it at night so you can see Intimidator looming in the distance and it was really menacing and, you know, intimidating.

Even Henry was like “THIS WAS A GOOD RIDE. I LIKED IT.”

Apparently, it was recently retracked which explains why it was so smooth. The only downside is that they were only running one side so the racing element was missing, which was a real bummer. It wasn’t running the next day either so maybe they just shut down one side after the regular summer season? I DO NOT KNOW. I DO NOT RUN A PARK.

The next day, we were there for early entry and only one old man was able to beat us to Twisted Timbers, but then a handful of fast lane douches encroached on us and made it to the front row before us. I think we ended up being on the third train of the day because we insisted on trying out the front row while it was still early and the line was short but of course that’s where all the fast lane douches went too. Henry thought he was so great because he got in line for the third seat and was like, “BYE SUCKERS” when he got to ride before us. Whatever Henry.

This ride was so much better than the day before! So much so that we got off and walk-ran right back on and got the back row this time. We unfortunately were in line with some know-it-all coaster enthusiast who was like, “Just so you know, the fifth seat on the left side of the blue train has tighter restraints than any other row” and then kept talking about all the times he’s been on Steel Vengeance and in my head, I was like, “WHO ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO?” He had a dumb hipster beard so I immediately discredited everything he was saying.

Anyway, after three rides on this bad boy, I can now say with much satisfaction and confidence that it is a GREAT RIDE. It has wicked airtime, barrel rolls, trick tracks, hangtime – it was worth the drive to Virginia and makes me do some daydreaming about how Kennywood could add an RMC to their lineup. I don’t think they would give any of their current coasters the RMC treatment since they’re all legit classics, nor would I want them to, but it would be so amazing to see how RMC could work with the limited space and crazy terrain that Kennywood has, much like they did with Lightning Rod at Dollywood. Can you imagine a quad-down hugging the side of a West Mifflin ravine??

I’m not a super big fan of floorless coasters but B&M’s Dominator really won me over. We only rode it twice – once at night in the back row, and once first thing in the morning on our second day (it was the only ride aside from the kiddy coasters that opens right away) in the front row with Henry, and I have to say, I enjoyed both rides very much!

And here we have Chooch and me on the backseat of Racer75 on our second day!

In total, we rode every coaster except for the dumbest of the two kiddy ones, so: Twisted Timbers, Apple Zapple, Grizzly, Flight of Fear (which Chooch hated at King’s Island but loved at King’s Dominion even though they’re identical but this one didn’t break down three times while we were in line, so maybe that’s why), Backlot Stunt Coaster, Avalanche (a really cool bobsled ride but not as fun as Flying Turns at Knoebel’s), Intimidator 305, Dominator, Woodstock Express which killed my knees, and Anaconda. This brought Chooch’s coaster count up to 97! So if this weekend pans out right, he should have 100 in no time. Fingers crossed!

So many new songs have been released over the last week, keeping my playlist fresh, yo. So today, I’m going to dump several of them on this bitch-blog, because there is like a handful of you that actually enjoy when I do this, according to my blog stats, lol.

OK, here we go, some glorious kpop that you can ride into the weekend with.

1. WINNER – SOSO

Oh yes, daddy, bring that Winner comeback over here to mommy. I love them so much, and as much as I liked their last two comebacks, I’m happy to have this mid-tempo slow-burner, you know? Also, Mino can rap in my face whenever he wants.

2. TAEYEON – SPARK

Sadly, I think this might be the only girl on this week’s list, but—TAEYEON. In case you don’t know, she’s from the legendary Girl’s Generation, and her solos are strong and elegant. I love her so much. Stan Taeyeon, you guys. (Also, I hope my favorite Kpop fitness channel, which is actually from Thailand, makes a routine to this song!)

3. TXT – RUN AWAY

I still haven’t gotten to the point where I’m ready to straight stan BTS’s little brothers, TXT, but this song is SO GOOD. I love the retro party beat – it makes me ache for Friday nights at Spinning Wheels. This will get stuck in your head, I promise you.

4. MONSTA X – FOLLOW ME

They released two videos this past week but the other one is really depressing (good, but sad!) so I’m posting this one instead to keep things upbeat ’round here because basically everything sucks in the world.

5. SUPER JUNIOR – SUPER CLAP

Henry’s ult group! Very few groups out there are as fun as SuJu. (NEVER FORGET WHEN WE SAW THEM ON A SIDEWALK IN NYC!)

If you watch this video, allow yourself to fall down the Super Junior rabbit hole – you won’t be sorry (sorry sorry sorry).

Fun fact: one of the member’s has the most difficult name in the world to pronounce (Ryeowook, but don’t let that romanization fool you) and no matter how many times Jiyong tries to walk me through it during our language exchanges, my tongue just doesn’t want to cooperate, and if you ever pass me on the streets of downtown during my lunch break walks, you might catch me chanting his name over and over which basically just sounds like I’m having an epileptic seizure.

6. D-CRUNCH – STEALER

OK, this wasn’t just released this week, but I wanted to include it because there was just news that they were supposed to perform the other day in Kuwait and their concert was canceled when Kuwaiti authorities heard rumors that the group was gay. 

So let’s give their videos tons of views to support them. <3!!!

7. WAY-V – MOONWALK

OK, this is my favorite song on the whole list, I am so in love with all NCT units, and I’m so happy that Way-V has been given three chances to shine this year since their debut. Chinese kings! Plus, my ult NCT bias is in this group – Ten! I can’t wait to see him in a few weeks with Super M!!!

***********

DID YOU LIKE ANY OF THESE?! LET ME KNOW. I’m starving for e-interaction. (Not real life interaction, though. Please don’t call me or stop by.)

After taking photos of Wendy’s daughter a few weeks ago, I decided that I should try to use my dumb camera more often because that shit wasn’t free. So I waited until Chooch got nice and cozy at the computer Sunday evening and then said, “Oh yeah, I want to take some portraits of you, go put on something presentable.”

He was thrill-to-the-e-d.

Over the summer, Chooch went to the pool with his pal Marky and I was like, “DON’T FORGET TO PUT ON YOUR SUNSCREEN!” and he did that know-it-all scoff that he does all the time now that he knows it all, and then SOMEHOW, even though he SWEARS he put IT ON, he got the worst sunburn OF HIS LIFE (his back was lobster-red except for two perfect hand-prints on his lower back, so now I know his method of applying sunscreen). Anyway, the sunburn on his face was so bad that he looked like Freddy Kreuger when it was at its peak nastiness, to the point where I wouldn’t leave the house with him because he was so embarrassing.

Yeah, I’m that kind of mom.

So, that was awful, and now he has a veritable constellation of freckles on his cheeks to remind us of the awesome parenting job we’re doing.

“When I get my first paycheck, like at my real job not the one I’m getting next year as soon as I turn 14 and get a permit, I’m going to a home store and buying a chair. One that I have to put together!” Chooch (13), dreaming bigly.

Here in the Erin Photography Studio, we keep it real and leave the lint and cat fur on the wardrobe.

There was some dumb couple walking their dog and gawking at us like they’re never seen a mom barking orders like, “LOOK MOODY! STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, WHO CARES ABOUT TRAFFIC! I WON’T FEED YOU TOMORROW IF YOU DON’T COOPERATE!

YOU’LL SLEEP ON BROKEN GLASS TONIGHT, BUDDY BOY!!!” at her portrait subject.

We got this corgi shirt in Harajuku and I don’t want him to ever grow out of it because it’s amazing. He also wore it on school picture day and I hope he didn’t ruin the picture with a dumb smile but TIME WILL TELL.

“It’ll be fine – if a car comes, it will probably see you and stop.”

My favorite thing about taking pictures of Chooch is that he always resists but then  2 minutes into it, he’s all, “OH MOM, TAKE A PICTURE OF ME OVER HERE! TAKE A PICTURE OF ME PARKOURING! TAKE A PICTURE OF POSING NEXT TO THIS SPORTS CAR!

” and then I’m always like, “NO THAT IS STUPID. STAND LIKE G-DRAGON WOULD STAND, LIKE YOU’RE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN OF MONEY AND CHOCO PIES.”

On our way back to our house, we saw Bob and the neighborhood Corgi celeb, Spencer!

I explained to Bob what we were doing, and he suggested that Chooch get his picture with a real Corgi, and Spencer happily obliged. Those two are soulmates.

And that has been my blog post of pictures and words.

I was just lamenting to Henry that this October has flown by so fast and didn’t even feel that autumn-y to me. Maybe it’s because we didn’t do many daylight October things, like going to the pumpkin patch or whatever the fuck LL Bean families do when they all dress in matching flannels and post pictures on Instagram with fame smiles that make it seem like their faces are going to melt like a box of Crayolas next to a kerosene heater as soon as the picture is taken.

But hey, speaking of kerosene heaters, I whine every fall/winter about how badly I want a kerosene heater because we always used them in my house when I was growing up and they’re so comforting to me; I miss those slosh-slosh sounds that would happen whenever I bumped into it (which was a lot because I have a balance problem). I googled and couldn’t really find any super adverse environmental effects but I am admittedly a Big Dumb when it comes to these things, although I try my very best.

Anyway, Henry finally bought one and suddenly, it’s like being back at my parents’ house again and I love it so much. However, I was really worried about the cats.

“Oh don’t worry. The first ones to burn themselves will be you and Chooch,” Henry said dryly. So far, the cats keep their distance, although Drew has learned that if she lays nearby, it will keep her toasty and she gets very concerned when we shut it off before leaving the house/going to bed (safety first!). She sits nearby and stares at it with sad eyes because her robot friend no longer has fire in his belly.

I think we’ve pretty much wrapped up the haunted house season too because we won’t be home this weekend, unless we can make it to one on Friday night. But I have to say, my heart wasn’t 100% in it this year. Aside from Castle Blood, there was no real standout haunt this year (most of them had their moments though) and I think I’m just being mopey because I miss the days of going with big groups of friends. Aside from Janna, none of my other friends really consider this fun, and none of Chooch’s friends are into it, and Blake and Haley are parents now, so it’s kind of missing that spark. Plus, they are so expensive, that it’s almost criminal!  $25-$30 for something that you’re going to spend most of the time standing in line for, and then 30 minutes (if you’re lucky) actually being inside. You could go  to an amusement park for around the same price, get the haunted house treatment AND ride roller coasters for around that same price.

Oh my god, am I getting old?

Regardless, Janna, Chooch and I went to Demon House last Sunday night because there’s always a Groupon for that so it only cost $26 for both Chooch and me, plus we got a free beverage ticket and the chance to ride on the most annoying shuttle bus full of screaming high schoolers. Janna was like, “That one girl behind me was SO RUDE” and I said, “Oh that was a grown ass lady behind you, and yes, she was a real cunt.”

We were the first ones off the bus, first to get our tickets, and the first group to go inside! I LOVE BEING FIRST! I WAS BORN TO BE FIRST!

Anyway, the house was fine. We went with an older couple who were very inoffensive and decent (I apologized to them in advance because we can be a bit much sometimes as a group), and we all got to have a tarot card reading before the actual haunt started. Mine was about how there is something deep in my heart that I want to do for myself and that I should put myself first for once and do the thing that needs to be done in order to make myself happy, and we all got a big laugh about this afterward because I always think of my own happiness above others, so…..

Actually, only before Henry’s happiness. I can be a fake philanthropist when I want to be. (I.e. when I want attention, oh snap.)

Details of the haunted house will be saved for my haunted house journal, but believe me when I tell you that you’re not missing much.

Afterward, we redeemed our free beverages. Chooch and I each got lukewarm hot chocolate but JANNA got apple cider that she acted like was a cuppa molten lava so we had to sit for an eternity and wait for her to daintily blow on it, but luckily Demon House was playing “Halloween,” so we sat in the little outdoor theater area and I thought Chooch was going to have a rage stroke when some bitch about his age strode in (OH SHIT, LAURIE STRODE) and casually said, “Oh! It’s ‘Friday the 13th’!” I had to grab his arm to keep him from popping up out of his seat and confronting her.

But really…HE HAD EVERY RIGHT.

So that was fun.

On the way home, I pulled over in Monongahela so that Janna could take pictures of this pizza place that she saw ON FACEBOOK (probably).  I mean, the decorations were cool though.

Chooch stayed in the car, completely oblivious to what was going on because he was watching crap on his phone, but when we got back in the car, he cried, “WERE YOU GETTING A HELP WANTED SIGN!?”

“Oh my god, you guys are still doing that?” Janna asked with just a smidge too much incredulity in her tone for my liking. By “doing that,” Janna is referring to the very lucrative money-making app Chooch and I use called Job Spotter where you submit pictures of help wanted signs for points and each point = a penny. Then you can cash out whenever you want for an Amazon gift card. Right now, I’m at $55 (I’ve already cashed in twice, and I’m also kind of lazy so I accumulate points slowly) and I’ve been thinking of cashing in again because I really want to buy the cats more toys (I’m pathetic) but now I think I also might want to invest in A WEIGHTED HULA HOOP because I accidentally found a YouTube channel for weighted hula hoop dance workouts and they look like something right up my alley.

Hey speaking of Korea (oh, we weren’t talking about Korea just now? Well, now we are), I received an email last week from a co-worker in our Melbourne office. All it said was, “Erin can you read Korean?” and I was like, “READ, yes. UNDERSTAND, not always, lol” and then I panicked because what if she wanted me to translate something boring, like something work-related, but instead she sent me a screenshot of a video and said, “Can you tell me what the name of this tea is? I’ve been obsessed with finding out” and THANK THE LORD, that was an easy one. So I quickly responded with not just the name, but also the website and became an instant hero, an overnight sensation, the department MVP.

I should have known that it was my friend Sandy who recommended my services!

This Jennifer Aniston resurgence (not that she ever went away, but you know what I mean) has been making my heart so happy. I was so excited to see her on Instagram and I haven’t started watching her new show yet but I will do so eventually, I promise, Jen. I was reading an article last week on the trolley about how she set a Guinness World Record for most Instagram followers accumulated in a certain amount of time or whatever (OK, I was glossing over the article) when I suddenly had this old memory pop into my head where Henry and I were at this couple’s house for NYE in 2005 and I remember this distinctly because I was pregnant, miserable, and also slightly concerned that these people actually wanted my not-yet-born baby. Anyway, Jennifer Aniston came up in conversation and I mentioned that I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and I just loved her so much, when they both interrupted me with throat-noises of disagreement and one of them had the audacity to say—OUT LOUD—that she had a horse face?! I was so motherfucking pissed off, you guys, you have no idea. I had an actual argument with them over this was Henry, I don’t know, slept in a recliner with a paper plate of cheese and salami balancing in his chest probably, and apparently I’m still so mad about it that my eyes began to sting with RAGE-TEARS on the trolley that day at the very memory of this shitty moment and NOTICE that I did not , refer to these people as FRIENDS.

Well, this is all I care to share for today, Monday October 28, 2019.

Wrong! One more thing. Now that G-Dragon and T.O.P. are both out of the military, I hope we get another GD&TOP collab, even though T.O.P. has said he doesn’t want to make a comeback PLEASE COME BACK TO US.

I’ve been counting down the days for G-Dragon’s military discharge, well, since February 27, 2018 when he went in. Haha. I knew that I wanted to do something to celebrate, but that aside from Janna and those two that live with me, I probably wouldn’t be able to get anyone to join me. Lame!

But then last month, my work friend Margie was showing me pictures of cookies that her daughter Shannon made and they were so GOOD. Shannon went to school for this and is skilled at cake and cookie decorating, so then the antique oil lamp above my head lit up and I yelled, “COULD SHE MAKE G-DRAGON COOKIES?”

Margie shrugged and said, “Probably. I could ask her.”

So I ran to my desk and found an image for her to base the cookies off of, and Shannon came back and said YES.

And this is how it started: a way to drum up some business for Margie’s daughter while also celebrating G-Dragon, because what better place to have a party for him than at THE OFFICE where people could be forced to join in!?

So what started out as 2 dozen G-Dragon cookies to be causally laid out on the snack table at work turned into Henry making “G” and “D” cookies and also the Peaceminusone (GD’s clothing line) one-petal-missing daisy cookies.

And then I needed to make GD photocards for my co-workers. And a “Welcome Back” sign. I managed to find the leftover sheets of craft foam that we used in 2007 for Chooch’s first birthday invitations, and while I was cutting out letters, I decided that Henry should go to the party store and grab a “G” and “D” balloon because that would make it look cooler and also I didn’t feel like cutting out more letters.

Then I was like, “WE SHOULD ALSO GO TO THE ASIAN MARKET AND GET KOREAN BEVERAGES” and Henry was like, “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY” like I had just hired some goon to baseball bat his knees or something.

Basically what I’m saying is that, in typical Erin-fashion, it turned into a Thing.

During one of my order-barking phone calls, Henry mumbled that this was almost as involved as the Pie Party which I opted to stop having because “they’re too involved.”

“I don’t care! Our king—”

“—YOUR king,” Henry calmly cut in.

“—is coming back and this has to be perfect!”

And then Henry gently reminded me that it’s not like he’s ever going to know we did this but I don’t care. I have so much love for G-Dragon, his music pulled me out of a dark place, and I like doing things like this! I also thought it would be a fun thing for my co-workers, even though they’re not into Kpop, to end the week with some treats and frivolity.

Henry spent Thursday night baking the rest of the cookies, and then we took them to the office, along with all the drinks, because there was no way I was going to be able to carry all that stuff on the trolley. Plus, I had some various memorabilia to take in as well.

I woke up extra early yesterday morning and got to work an entire hour early so that I could start decorating. Marlene, who works an earlier shift, was like, “Oh hello, what the hell?” and then I had to explain to her what was going on and she was like, “……….” but she happily helped Margie blow up the G and D balloons and made sure everyone knew it all day long!

When Henry was at the store procuring said balloons, he texted me: Gold or silver?

I thought it was pretty clear but I texted back, “Gold for our king.”

“Your king,” Henry replied.

As I was spreading everything out on the table, Margie was just like, “Wow, OK…” because I might have failed to mentioned that this had morphed into a Big Thing in my head and I needed to execute it exactly as my visions showed or I would never be able to live with myself.

This is what it’s like being a Leo.

DID YOU KNOW GD IS A LEO TOO??

I even wore my special Lip Service dragon blazer that I bought when I was 18 and kept for 22 years even though it didn’t fit me for 20 of them. Thank you, Jillian Michaels, for helping me fit into it again or else this day wouldn’t have been as elaborate!

Margie let me borrow one of her sunflowers to put in the empty G-Dragon iced tea bottle (BIGBANG used to be the spokespeople for a Chinese brand of tea called Nongfu Spring and I went crazy trying to collect them all, you have no idea) and I put my GD heads-on-sticks in the other bottle. Then I filled my GD bowl with Korean peanut balls (such a great snack!), which I made Henry buy specifically so I had something to put in my GD bowl.

Oh, and I brought in my GD painting too!

These are the Peaceminusone daisies — icing cookies is hard and I hate it!

After an hour, I was satisfied with the spread, so I sent out the department email letting everyone know that there were cookies in celebration of GD’s military discharge. I purposely left Glenn off the email because he’s mean to me about these things and kept yelling, “No one cares!” every time he heard me at Margie’s desk talking about it.

Each photocard had some information about GD on the back and I was super pleased to see that they were mostly gone by the end of the day!

It was so much fun watching people’s reactions, especially the ones who I don’t talk to much because they had NO IDEA what the fuck was going on. The one guy was like, “Wait, what is kpop?” and I was like, “OMG LET ME TEACH YOU, GRASSHOPPER!” I saw him come back to the table later, laugh to himself, and then grab a cookie.

I was moderately concerned that our boss would be not thrilled that I did this without asking her, but I swear to god it wasn’t going to be all this at first and the it just spiraled and by then I was in too deep and didn’t want to say anything to her. But then Jeannie walked in and was like “OH MY GOD” and I was like, “Shit…..is it too much?” because this is the table that our boss uses for her snacks and I totally usurped her territory.

“No, it’s actually really impressive,” Jeannie said. And then she reminded me that I have done way more questionable things in the past without getting in trouble, so she thought I should be fine.

“You mean like when I had my desk decorated like a serial killer’s office for an entire month and someone complained that it was a hostile work environment?”

“Yeah, that’s one example,” Jeannie laughed, and then walked away without taking a cookie or a photocard!!

Guys seriously, the piece de resistance. Shannon did such an amazing job! Hilariously, no one would touch anything on the table for a good hour after I sent the email because they didn’t want to mess it up. This platter of Jiyongs (GD’s real name) looked so adorable, and they tasted even better!

I wanted the G and D cookies to have Asian flavors, so Henry went with black sesame shortbread and matcha (with white chocolate chips) shortbread. They were OK but honestly their only purpose was to display his initials, lol.

Nate was really into it.

And the our boss arrived and I was like, “OH GOD OH GOD” but after a second, she just started cracking up and then she said, “I can’t stand it” and went to her office. However, she did go and tell Glenn to come look at it and I was like, “NO SUE! HE’S NOT INVITED!” UGH!

Of course he happily took a cookie and a pear juice, but I made him pose for this picture as payment. What a jerk.

Into it.

Later in the afternoon, Megan took some “mingling” pictures so I could prove that people cared, lol.

I got some texts and emails throughout the day from co-workers who were either off or working from home and they were actually sad to be missing this! It warmed my heart. I love GD so much and I know he’ll never know that some random broad in America made her coworkers celebrate his military discharge, but I was so excited about it and I cannot just sit alone with excitement exploding out of my heart — I need to share it with people and I feel super appreciative that I work in a place where this can happen.

Even the mail room lady—Betty—was like, “OK WHAT’S GOING ON HERE” and then me, Carrie, and Marlene filled her in and she was skeptical at first because she knows I’m the girl with the weird foreign candy and doesn’t trust me (she said she wants to know where I get my candy so she can give it to her grandkids so that they won’t like candy anymore, lol) but the more she looked at the GD table, the more intrigued she became.

“I’m going to look him up when I get back to my floor,” she said.

But then came down later and asked, “What is that man’s name? Johnny D?” and there was a unison of “G-Dragon!”s through our quadrant. So she was like, “OK, I’m going to remember that. G-Dragon.” And then as she rounded the corner, I heard her walking away, chanting, “G-Dragon. G-Dragon. G-DRAGON. G-DRAGON.”

Jana came out of her office and said, “That was my favorite part of today!”

It really was super adorable.

Betty came back down later and decided she was ready to take a cookie and a melon Milkis. Then she was like, “And who painted that?” pointing to the G-Dragon portrait.

“I did,” I said. “That’s how much I love him.” So now Betty is basically my manager, even though I’m retired from art.

You guys, I love my co-workers. Even when Missy was like, “I like that song with Halsey, is that BIGBANG?” committing the biggest party foul, even bigger than when Sue invited Glenn! When Missy said that, Carrie was like, “Hnnnnnggghhh” because she knew I’d get bent out of shape, lol.

Megan and me! Also, I realized 3/4 of the way through the day that I never changed out of my tennis shoes, way to violate the dress code, Erin.

Here I am with Carrie, holding my G-Dragon bowl.

I’m just really proud of it, OK?!

I don’t know if you can tell, but I was also wearing a DG pin and my red bull clip that came with my VIP package for his 2017 solo tour!

Speaking of, let’s pause and watch this video Henry took of the highlight of my whole life:

I was two heads back from the barrier during this and my legs shook so bad that Henry had to take my phone and record for me. I was a MESS.

I had the photocards displayed on my BIGBANG candy tray that I made and that MY CAT DREW BROKE so now it looks like shit because Henry glued it back together with weird, gummy glue.

I guess Glenn feels dumb now since people clearly cared!

All of my favorite G-Dragons. I loved his “FXXK It”-era green hair image the best.

Oh, and if it was any wonder, I was also wearing my GD socks yesterday.

Then last night, I watched all the live streams of Jiyong’s official discharge and felt ALL THE EMOTIONS (I’m crying right now thinking about it). I don’t know what the future holds for BIGBANG with Seungri retired from the industry and by that I mean chased out for something that wasn’t even proven but we won’t get into that here because it makes me so angry, and TOP alluding to the fact that he no longer wants to perform. But Daesung and Taeyang get out of the military next month, so we’ll see. If anyone can save BIGBANG and YG Entertainment, it’s G-Dragon.

I wish I could have been there. Welcome back, King!

Well, this was supposed to be last Friday’s “Friday Five” thingie but I’m a scattered mess inside that head of mine. So let’s try this again for today, I guess. Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve used a similar Friday 5 title in the past. Oh well.

THAT TIME I WAS A PAWN IN A GAME OF DENTAL CHESS

Remember when I missed my dentist appointment last year and panicked and then had to go and find a new dentist because I could never show my face there again? (Oh, you would have just called, apologized, and scheduled a new appointment? WELL AREN’T YOU RATIONAL AND BALANCED.)

Well, my new dentist (the one I think I have a crush on) referred me to a periodontist. Dentist #1 did x-rays two years ago so Dentist #2 said that we could probably get away with just using those rather than deal with insurance blah-blah, so I was like, “Fine I guess I will call Dentist #1 and get my records.” Dentist #1’s office was like, “Yeah you have to come in here and sign a release for that.” UGH.

So I went in there last week, hoping to sign the thing and flee, but as the receptionist was pulling up my records from the filing cabinet, a lady was sitting at a computer in the corner and apparently had been listening so she pulled my records on up the computer and exclaimed, “This xray is from two years ago! Why do you want this!?” and that’s when I realized that it was The Dentist so now I had to actual FACE HER and tell her that my new dentist had referred me to a periodontist and thought we could get away with using them and she was like, “WHO IS THE DENTIST” and I was like, “BITCH WHY” except that really, I meekly mumbled his name and then she asked me who the periodontist is and when I told her, she sucked in some air through her teeth and exchanged an “oh boy” look with the receptionist, prompting me to ask, “What? What? WHAT?” until she finally shrugged and said, “Well, I don’t like to talk bad…OK he’s just…not that GOOD” and I was like, “……” and then she was like, “Would you mind if I gave you my own referrals?” and I was like, “WTF is happening here” because the vibe got SO HEAVY AND ELECTRIC like everything else in the world had just stopped and now this strange dental dance was playing out in front of me.

I let her give me some referral cards and then of course this sent me into a spiral because WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE and it was already so difficult to get a consultation to begin with and that appointment is coming up in two weeks and OMG I HATE ORAL ISSUES. Meanwhile, the receptionist was all, “So, why are you leaving us anyway?” and it turned into this super uncomfortable “it’s not you it’s me” routine and I was sweating and tugging at my collar.

Then I got home and it occurred to me that Dentist #1 is the reason I have to go to the periodontist in the first place because one of the procedures they performed on me was apparently inadequate and I have to have it done again. UGH.

IT’LL JUST TAKE 2 SECONDS

A few weeks ago (because that’s how behind I am at blogging!), we were just hanging out after work when someone knocked on the door. I fled immediately, as I do when there comes a knock upon the door. From my perch on the steps with our cat Drew, who also runs when she hears the sinister knocks of villains, I heard Henry saying, “I’m making dinner right now.” And then he repeated it. And then again. And again. And each time, whoever was at the door kept saying, “It’ll just take 2 seconds.” I was like, “Shit, who the fuck is at the door being so persistent, is Chooch selling cookie dough again?”

Turns out, it was some guy from Direct Energy and instead of just saying “No” or “I’m not interested,” he lead the guy on by making it sound like he just didn’t have time to talk to him right now, so when he finally shut the door on him, the guy CONTINUED TO STAND ON OUR PORCH and I know this because I could see his creepy silhouette and I was angry because I wanted to come back out of hiding and drink my coffee which was getting cold on the coffee table.

So Henry sighed, came back out of the kitchen, opened the door and said, “I’m cooking dinner” and the guy was like, “It’ll only take 2 seconds” and JUST LIKE THAT the whole weird door-to-door energy song and dance picked right back up. I was like JUST SAY NO, BRO and Henry finally got him to leave and I said, “Haley was outside on her porch the whole time, why didn’t he just go and give her his spiel?” So Henry then lectured me because the only reason these people come to our house is that I’m constantly coerced into signing up for things.

Then Henry acted SHOCKED when he CAME BACK an hour later, but he never told him NO! This time, Chooch was home and answered the door and the guy was like, “Your dad told me to come back after he made dinner” which was FALSE but ok so Chooch was like, “HEY HENRY GET DOWN HERE AND TALK TO THIS GUY” but Henry was like, “Not gonna.”

I’m in the kitchen washing dishes and I look out and see that the guy is still standing on the porch. I told Chooch, “Tell that guy to leave” and he was like, “NO HE’S NICE AND I FEEL BAD” so I told Chooch, “Look, just do what all of us adults do in these situations – lie. LIE THROUGH YOUR FUCKING TEETH, SONNY BOY. GOD WILL FORGIVE YOU.” Chooch told the guy that his dad wasn’t home and the guy repeated, “He told me to come back after dinner” like that’s an actual time on the clock, but Chooch was like, “OK cool but he’s not here, so…” The guy said, “OK buddy, I’ll just go and do something else and come back.” NO PLZ DON’T! (He didn’t. Yet.)

I’LL TURN THIS DAMN BUS AROUND

One day after school, Chooch super-casually me that there was an incident with the bus driver on the first day of Gifted. Chooch has gifted every Friday, but it’s off-site at the Gifted Center so the students from his school that attend that program get shuttled there on a school bus. “So, Trevor and I were just talking and apparently the bus driver thought it was ‘too loud’ so he pulled the bus over and yelled at us.” Chooch said that they made “HNGGGGGH” faces at each other and then apologized. But then, at the end of the day, the students from Chooch’s school were stranded because the bus driver never showed. They had to wait for a back-up bus to arrive and when they got back to their school, the principal off-handedly mentioned that the bus driver from that morning didn’t show up BECAUSE HE QUIT.

“BECAUSE OF YOU!?” I cried.

“I guess,” Chooch shrugged. “He was really mad that morning and was yelling about how we were going to have to spend all year together.”

“Exactly how loud were you talking?!”

“I don’t know, like this…” and then he demonstrated a raised-voiced conversation similar to a businessman trying to talk over top of a woman in the boardroom, but something tells me there is more to the story than that.

Anyway, a few weeks later, that bus driver came back and Chooch said that he and Trevor are “super quiet” around him now.

Why am I having Billy Madison visions?

Oh, here’s Penelope.

THE LIFE-CHANGING ESSAY

Well, here’s another tale about my son because, friendly reminder, I’m a mom.

The other night, Chooch and I were out on a walk when he mentioned that he has to write a three-page essay about a moment that changed his life. So I’m walking along, mind swimming with all sorts of instances involving me and my awesome ideas and super fun parenting, thinking that maybe he’ll choose the moment he went to the DMZ in Korea or the time the singer from Emarosa got him to crowd-surf at one of their shows when he was like 9, or the moment he realized he loves math.

“So I knew right away—” he started, and I’m like, “Oh here it is! This is going to be so profound!”

“–that it was the time I watched that episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ where Lily is a loud chewer because that’s when I realized that OMG I hate the sound of chewing! Honestly, there are times when I sit in the backseat during road trips and cry.”

Um.

OK.

But three pages though?

Anyway, he changed it to the moment he went from the general population opinion of “yay rollercoasters” to the coaster enthusiast battle-cry of “HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT’S AN RMC IBOX, GOTTA GET THAT COASTER CRED, HOLD MY SLUSHIE.”

So, we’ll see how that goes.

I get so excited when I’m watching a K-Drama and see a place I’ve been! Shout out to the DDP, what what.

HUBERT FTW

Last Saturday, we were en route to a haunted house and passed a spot where there used to be a mini-golf place, which got me thinking about how my ex, Psycho Mike, and I were obsessed with playing mini-golf this one summer, I think it was 1997 when I was 17/18. We liked it so much that we tried to go every mini-golf place we could find in the—-wait for—-Yellow Pages. Sometimes this would bite us in the ass because we’d drive all this way and it wasn’t a mini-golf place anymore, but you know, who has time to call ahead, amirite.

Then I remembered the time that I brought my old pet Pacman frog, Hubert, to play with us. I had a little portable aquarium for him and it was probably terrible to tote him around but I was a dumb kid who had no business raising a frog.

“Anyway,” I told Henry after taking a big breath because you’ve probably never heard me tell a story but I get really excited and start speed-talking. “Hubert ‘won’ and Mike got so pissed!”

Henry took his eyes off the road long enough to toss me a concerned frown.

“I KNOW RIGHT??” I screamed, but turns out, Henry was frowning about the part where I brought my frog to play mini-golf.

(Seriously though, Mike was SO ANGRY and I remember fighting about it for the rest of the night because that’s the kind of great fucking boy I was dating, and this is not a domestic violence joke but the truth: I probably for sure dodged a bullet by getting out of that relationship.)

Later that week, I felt inspired to dig around my old stuff to see if I still had the scorecard because, since mini golf was our game, I kept all that shit. And yep, still have it, stapled to a journal that he and I shared which honestly gave me PTSD-shakes when I opened it so I should probably burn it or drop-kick it off a bridge but: the environment, and also, I am a memorabilia packrat.

Don’t ask why I called myself “Bitch” other than I was 17 & dumb and also a pretty big bitch.

At work earlier this week, I was telling Todd this story because he LOVES Vintage Erin yarns.

“I have a picture of the scorecard for proof,” I said, scrolling through my camera roll.

“Oh, I believe you!” Todd laughed. “Taking a frog to play mini-golf definitely sounds like something you would do.” He then went on to say that he’s also not surprised that I was a mini-golf maniac, since there is always something I’m 100% gung-ho about.

And oh boy, was I gung-ho about mini-golf. Now I can barely stand it.

OMG I HOPE THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN WITH KOREA?!

HENRY RIDES ALONE

Being a family of three makes going to amusement parks kind of annoying because someone always has to ride alone (lol usually Henry, come on now). Usually, we try to arrange it so that we’re at least all riding at the same time, which involves basic math and sometimes social skills when you have to ask the people behind you if they want to go ahead so that you can match the riders with whatever line your other party is in. Such a hassle!

However, we counted incorrectly when in line for Grizzly and Henry ended up going on the train after us and was surly about it because, for some reason, the line for this was SO SLOW. Operations were awful, one of the ride attendants was wearing an eye patch and we thought it was for Halloween but Henry said he saw him take it off and his eye was all fucked up, so that’s cool.

People were bailing the whole time we stood in line for this, but we were committed because Henry expressed interest in riding it and he NEVER suggests deviations from my airtight amusement park agendas.

Agendae?

Agendi?

Agendas.

Also, some asshole kid behind me had NO concept of boundaries and his parents certainly didn’t care to teach him, so he kept jabbing me in the back with his faux-hawk so when it was our turn to ride, we waved smugly at Henry as our train departed the station and then I don’t remember a single thing about the ride because my little dickhead son pretended as though my phone fell out of his pocket and I didn’t know he was joking until the end of the ride so I spent the whole duration screaming ARE YOU SERIOUS until I eventually burst into tears.

Anyway, I think this ride awakened something inside Henry because, after that, he didn’t try to ride anything with us anymore – he just went and sat where ever he found an empty seat instead of trying to line up with whatever seat we were in line for.

Henry’s Journey To Independence.

Here’s our favorite manservant standing alone to ride Racer 75. He had some kind of camaraderie with the guys behind him and wouldn’t tell Chooch and me what was going on which I thought was rude and I hate it when Henry has interactions with people that don’t involve me. I monitor him pretty tightly and I need to know these things so that I can someday in the future twist them around into some accusatory pretzel of paranoia.

By the next day, he was fully emancipated from Chooch and me and rode Twisted Timbers once in a seat that we didn’t want him to sit in and then again on a train that we weren’t even on! HERE HE IS WITH HIS NEW FAMILY.

(Side note: the guy in front of him was the sweetest! He was talking to us when we waited for the  gates to open Sunday morning and has gotten Chooch all gung-ho about Planet Coaster, but true to dude-form, he was subtly condescending when we were talking about the new ride at Hershey and I said, “It’s called Candymonium” and he said, “Yeah…I’m not sure what it’s called” because I’m a GIRL and like most places in life outside of Girl Scouts and Planned Parenthood, THERE IS LITTLE ROOM FOR BROADS IN THE COASTER COMMUNITY but that’s OK I’ll just surf my way out on a wave of testosterone.

Later, we rode Intimidator and Henry was like, “Deuces, you losers” as his train pulled out of the station while we were still in line for front row (the back is arguably the best row but you gotta sit in the front too at least once for the experience), leaving Chooch and me gaping in his wake. We were still in line when he got off the ride and he actually walked all the way around and got back into line, and even RAN when he realized that he could snag the seat behind Chooch and me right as the train was loading! HENRY IS BECOMING…SOMEONE WHO GETS EXCITED!

JANNA’S FUTURE HUSBAND

OK how to even start this story. Well, I guess it starts the same way they all do: I became obsessed with this one YouTube channel that features a group of guys who go to amusement parks and carnivals and vlog about it, but sometimes, the friend of one of the guys shows up and for some reason, I have really taken to him.

In an effort to keep my blog out of search engines, let’s just call him Fleece Radkins.

Now, Fleece sometimes shows up in the vlogs of his friend, Flint Yesvac. Their home parks are King’s Dominion and Busch Gardens Williamsburg, and actually, one of the Busch Gardens vlogs was the first time I saw Fleece. I liked him because after every ride, he would stoically and confidently state, “That’s my favorite ride in the park.”

So then Janna was visiting one time and Chooch was like “JANNA WATCH ME PLAY FORTNITE CAN I HAVE YOUR GAMING COMPUTER” and I was like, “JANNA CHOOSE AN NCT127 BIAS AND WATCH THESE ROLLER COASTER VIDEOS!” so I showed her one of the vlogs that featured Fleece and yelled, “ISN’T HE FUNNY” and she was like, “I guess?” and I was like, “OMG JANNA LIKES FLEECE!”

And then Chooch abandoned Fortnight in an effort to help me harangue Janna mercilessly like any other Saturday night in Hell House and we decided that we needed to hook them up.

So the first step, naturally, was to find him on Instagram. I did, but his profile is private and he doesn’t have a lot of friends so I didn’t want to request him.

“I feel like he’s much too young, though!” Janna pointed out, which means that she was at least considering it.

Anyway, on our first day at King’s Dominion, we were walking to Grizzly when Henry casually asked, “Hey, wasn’t that one of the guys in those videos you watch?” and I was like, “Huh? Who? Where? Why?” because I am the most unalert when it comes to other people while I’m walking. I mostly keep my eyes on the ground so that I don’t trip.

However, when I turned around to look, even from the back and with eyes as jacked as mine (and I do not mean jacked as in muscular, my eyes are basically saggy orbs that are close to serving as just facial decoration) I recognized one of the passersby as FLEECE RADKINS.

“Holy shit!” I screeched to Chooch, and we were frozen, watching him walk away with his group of friends.

“Was it really him?” Chooch asked, and there was only one way to find out: CHASE HIM SUPER STEALTHILY AND STARE AT HIS FACE FROM CLOSE RANGE.

We caught up with him just as he walked up to the Wayside Grill, so I stood right next to him and said, “HMMM, LOOKING AT THE MENU” while,  you know, looking at the menu. Then Fleece walked away and sat down on a wall while his friends stayed in line, and at that point, I was 99.9% confident that it was him so I made Chooch pose for a fake picture.

FLEECE RADKINS, ladies and gentlemen!

I sent the picture to Janna.

She was a bit less enthused than I expected her to be. I guess I wanted her to be upset that she wasn’t there but she seemed pretty flippant about it, what a bitch!

YOU GUYS, TWO HOURS LATER, WE SAW HIM AGAIN IN THE SAME SPOT!!

Henry didn’t know that Fleece was behind him, so Chooch ran up to Henry and whisper-screamed, “DON’T LOOK BEHIND YOU BUT FLEECE RADKINS IS RIGHT THERE” and I was standing behind Fleece close enough to see that Fleece’s eyes were honed in right on Chooch and he totally had to have known that he was the subject of their DON’T TURN AROUND conversation.

I never did approach the guy because he’s not even a part of that YouTube channel, he’s just kind of like an occasional tag-alonger so I would have felt uncomfortable being like, “HEY I HAVE SEEN YOU IN THREE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE AND I HAVE CLEARLY WATCHED THOSE THREE VIDEOS ENOUGH TIMES FOR EVEN MY BOYFRIEND WHO ONLY HALF-WATCHES THE VIDEOS TO RECOGNIZE YOU CAN I GET A SELFIE?”

Yeah, no thanks.

Back at work (a/k/a The Place Without Roller Coasters), Glenn thought this was such a great story that he made me tell it in our weekly meeting and absolutely no one was shocked that I was stalking some guy that I kind of know from 3 YouTube videos. So, your typical Tuesday meeting.